Secular Confessions

[Gwenn]

Oh, I know. Nothing in my life is easy right now.

Okay, after my mother and I had that 20 minute shouting match on my birthday because of the fact that she insists on saying insensitive and hurtful things about my husband's deployment and refuses to recognize that she does so even after I point it out to her, she laid this one on me tonight. She mentioned that her sister's grandson, who just completed basic training, is being sent to Alaska and "might have to go to Afghanistan" at some point in the future (umm ... he joined the military, Mom) and "Wouldn't that be scary?" So I asked her, in a noticeably upset tone, if that was worse than MY HUSBAND being sent to Afghanistan. Her answer? Yes!!!! She sat in front of me and told me it was worse because "Kevin knows what he's doing." So somehow if I'm ever widowed I can apparently take comfort in the fact that he knew what he was doing, and that's totally fine. WTF??? Oh, and my father defended her! Why the he!l would you say that to someone whose husband is currently in direct combat? Somehow the possibility of my cousin's son being sent over there sometime in the future is supposed to be worse to me than the fact that I just spent a week knowing my husband was out on a mission from which he might never return. Thanks, Mom and Dad.

ETA: Whoa ... don't know how I managed it, but I just skipped this entire page and was responding to Kate's comment at the bottom of the last page. Which is why my first comment doesn't appear to be in any sort of context.

[AmeriBrit]

Ah man, Gwenn, that's totally insensitive! That's just harsh...I don't know why people say things like that, especially family as they are sometimes the worst!

[daylilies]

Wow Gwenn! I'm so sorry she said that.
Yes, I think my current therapist thinks that it is depression. It was the psychiatrist that I don't see anymore who said it was bipolar. I took some pills for bipolar and they didn't seem to do much.
I called DH last night. Josh had already gone to bed, but I had been wrestling with the decision of calling them or not all day. DH said they had a good day and that Josh seemed fine.
I woke up at 7 a.m. I'm here without anyone to wake me up and I can't even sleep late. LOL
My mom is getting kittens today! I'm excited.

[missychrissy]

Gwenn, that was just cruel. I'm so sorry they're that insensitive.

Kate I've gone through periods of time where it felt like we had a black cloud over us and nothing would go right. All I can say is, it gets better. I know it sounds trite, but it's true.

[daylilies]

Sometimes I just don't know. I just want to be happy in this lifetime and sometimes it feels like I never will be.

[stash]

Sometimes I just don't know. I just want to be happy in this lifetime and sometimes it feels like I never will be.

Kate, trying one medication and having it fail doesn't constitute.treatment. It will.take time to figure it.out and get it right. Your hopelessness worries me.

I hate to sound all tough love on you, but emotional stability and happiness takes a ****load of WORK and commitment. You sound resigned, and ain't nothing gonna get better if you don't grab this by the ass and shake it. Period.

[newmami]

Kate, have you tried the natural route for the depression? I did instead of the Zoloft (that I took for PPD) and it has worked pretty good for me, makes me feel a little less "gray" about things and be able to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

"I" got lost when my kids were born, I became mom, worker and wife, and forgot to take care of the "me" part, which put a HUGE strain in my marriage and in my self esteem and personal life. Slowly I am trying to get ME back, to do things I want to do for ME... it is hard when you are hard wired to be "perfect" on every role you have, but it is doable

Find something YOU like to do, if the idea of doing daycare makes you happy, go for it!! when you are there, ENJOY what you are doing, don't think about it, just have fun.... make an effort in finding the POSITIVE SIDE of things (I know it is hard, but it can be done) and just enjoy that... Josh making silly faces or silly comments, singing your heart out in the car, a morning coffee... savor those moments and they will make you feel more positive about everything. When Josh starts getting on your nerves, make silly faces, sing a song or make a totally silly comment and burst out laughing, that will distract him from the tantrum and you will get the best medicine: LAUGHTER!!

you know where to find me if you want to talk

[Cosmosmom]

Sometimes I just don't know. I just want to be happy in this lifetime and sometimes it feels like I never will be.

Kate, I am wondering...how to do define happiness? I'm just wondering if maybe the expectation of what happiness is, is too high? In a similar way as to how many of us expect marriage to be (and it isn't all romance, candles, flowers, and passion like the soaps or movies!)....that just isn't realistic.
Four years ago I think....we went to DisneyWorld....that was a lot of fun and happy times. But the reality of my life is that every day isn't at that level of fun and happiness....but there are other things that are fun and induce joy at a different level.
And not every day is like that....some days just plain old suck a**. Bad stuff happens or it's just a gloomy doomy kind of day. But maybe the next day will be better.

[missychrissy]

Depression by its very nature doesn't allow one to enjoy the simple thing in life. Medication can help with that, but it is tricky to find which one will work for you with minimal side effects. Even then, it can take a couple weeks before you really start to notice the difference.

[Gwenn]

Depression by its very nature doesn't allow one to enjoy the simple thing in life. Medication can help with that, but it is tricky to find which one will work for you with minimal side effects. Even then, it can take a couple weeks before you really start to notice the difference.

This. I agree that you sound depressed. I was medicated for depression for about 18 months at one point and while I eventually weaned myself off it, in the short term it gave me the energy I needed to get myself to a place where I was content with my life. But I had no desire to be on it long term.

[missychrissy]

In my house things have turned a 180. I know there's an element of arse-kissing going on because Rich knows he's gone too far, but the fact remains that when he doesn't drink he's a different person. I'd nearly forgotten what it was that kept me with him for 18 years. He's been awake and active all evening....till 9:00 o'clock even!! (that's late for him). He's remembering to take the recycle bins to the end of the driveway. His tone of voice is softer and he speaks to the kids in a kinder manner.

I told him last night that I cannot live with him if he drinks even 1 or 2 beers because just that much changes him into someone I can't stand. I told him I believe he has a problem and that he should seek help for it because I don't think he can stay away from it for any length of time on his own. He didn't say a word.

I don't think he's going to look for help. He thinks he can handle it. I don't know what the future brings, but one thing is for certain...we will not buy a house that I cannot afford to pay for on my own.

[daylilies]

Hugs Chrissy. Even when DH has one or two drinks (which is all he usually has) he's a different person too. I mostly see it when I'm not drinking and he is. It's not a lot of fun being sober around someone who's drunk LOL
Happiness...I know what you mean (Jennifer, I think it was) what you said about Disneyworld. I don't expect everything to be OMG Awesome all the time. I just want to be in a decent mood from day to day and right now I'm not. I'm too busy dreading the next time I have to tell Josh it's time to do something, or the next negotiation we're going to have about mealtime, or what DH is going to ask me for the millionth time (he doesn't remember much of what I tell him, like appt.'s I have, or things Josh or I need to go to in the upcoming week). It's exhausting. I figured out I have lived my life pretty much in my own head up until now, having a very small circle of friends, not many boyfriends (and no serious ones until DH). It's been a huge adjustment having to live outside my own mind, if that makes any sense. I feel like my world has to be a lot bigger now and it's sort of uncomfortable. Having to express my wants and needs to DH, having to cater to Josh's, trying to keep up with DH's wishes for what he wants me to do around the house and the sexual attention he wants (and that I don't want), doing all that while still being my own person hasn't worked out yet.
Do you think when I get home I should do a major overhaul or work in baby steps as far as what I need to change with how I interact with DH and Josh? I feel like I'm ready to jump in with two feet and really work for what I want.
I know it's not easy but it seems so effortless for some people. Some people really love being a mom and wife and feel like it's their life's calling. I wish I did.

[stash]

Kate, it's never effortless. It's a lot a lot a lot of hard work.

[Ky'sMom]

Hugs to you Kate. And this:

Kate, it's never effortless. It's a lot a lot a lot of hard work.

People have often said that I make mothering look effortless IRL, and I usually have to try REALLY hard not to give them a "you are a nut!" look. It is totally hard at times and honestly even though I also think I'm a good mom (not all that great of a wife IMO though) I am not a SAHM type and am happy that I now have a job outside the house and am not one anymore.

I hope everything works out for you. I also left my DH before he was my DH for about 18 months until we reconciled. He made a lot of changes but has recently regressed so I can understand your own issues with your DH. Today my DH actually raised his voice and tried to argue with me because after he told me he may call off work today, I asked if he could put a pork roast in the slow cooker for dinner since we have a parent teacher conference tonight for Ky and I won't have time to cook. He basically blew a gasket thinking I'm taking advantage of him since he cooked yesterday (eye rolling from me). But yeah, basic, niceties would be wonderful from quite a few guys. I also think about leaving my DH. I mentioned leaving him a while ago if he didn't stop being lazy and I am seriously thinking about it. I know petty but really I can't stand laziness and we do have other issues besides his laziness that I just don't mention to many people. It is just exasperating to deal with him at times, he is like a constant 3 year old, and I'm just getting sick of it.

But I hope you can use this time to better yourself, no matter how long it may be or what the outcome will be for you and your DH's relationship.

Erin

[daylilies]

DH and I broke up for a little bit before we were married too, but only for a couple months. We had a major incident that tore us apart. During our "break" he screwed around with another woman. That still really hurts me. But we ended up burying the whole thing under the rug which we tend to do with all our problems.

[MammaMia]

Huge hugs to all the ladies having DH problems.

I confess that I've had the most hellish week ever. Today was better though. I got an A+ on my first college exam. Admittedly it was pretty easy and only worth 1% of our final mark, but I'm relieved.

[midgeend]

I know it's not easy but it seems so effortless for some people. Some people really love being a mom and wife and feel like it's their life's calling. I wish I did.

Kate, it's never effortless. It's a lot a lot a lot of hard work.

This

Hugs to you Kate. And this:



People have often said that I make mothering look effortless IRL, and I usually have to try REALLY hard not to give them a "you are a nut!" look.




Erin

And this

I think it's hard for everyone...no matter how easy someone seems to make it look. I know I put up a very hard exterior to anyone looking in. I don't want anyone to know just how frazzled and totally lost I feel sometimes. But I am, frazzled and lost and feel like crying at the end of the day because I'm just plain tired sometimes.

I've also dealt with a lot of depression in my life, and I completely agree with Stash, that it's hard work, but you have to jump into it and DO IT. I would say that I'm not about baby steps for you. I am like you in that I will pick up a hobby, and lose interest quickly..etc. I think people like us are all or nothing, so you have to make a decision to just up and be done being depressed. Perhaps there is a need for medication? Not all anti-depressants are created equally. I know that medication never worked for me, it always made me much worse actually.

[midgeend]

Huge hugs to all the ladies having DH problems.

I confess that I've had the most hellish week ever. Today was better though. I got an A+ on my first college exam. Admittedly it was pretty easy and only worth 1% of our final mark, but I'm relieved.

Awesome.

[daylilies]

Awesome Sarah!
I kind of want to go home tomorrow. DH has the day off tomorrow, whereas he was planning on going out on Saturday. So I'd have more of a chance to talk to him right away tomorrow if I went home tomorrow. Plus mom has a lot of plans outside the house, doing errands and stuff so it won't be a very exciting day for me here.

[The10Eels]

I confess I took a picture of a lady tonight to submit to people of walmart!!!

[daylilies]

Aw, share!
I never remember my camera when I should!

[missychrissy]

Huge hugs to all the ladies having DH problems.

I confess that I've had the most hellish week ever. Today was better though. I got an A+ on my first college exam. Admittedly it was pretty easy and only worth 1% of our final mark, but I'm relieved.

Congrats!!

Kate, sunshine helps with depression too. If you can get in direct sunlight, I highly suggest it.

[Bridget]

I just came home from my dinner with dad and bro to dbf telling me that our dog, Koa bit Kai. I went to check him but he's sleeping and I don't want to wake him. Dbf says he has as small Mark on his cheek. Koa thought Kai was taking his bone from him, maybe Kai was. Not sure. But he BIT KAI.
I'm kind of freaking out. I don't know what to do. We can't keep him. Can we? We can't. He's normally a sweet, eager to please dog and I love him very much.. I'm just torn up about it. Last week he did growl at Savana when she reached for a puzzle piece close to his face when he was chewing his bone. But it was a low growl and he didn't lash out or anything. I expressed concern to dbf about it but that was it.

I can't risk his biting the kids.

[Gwenn]

Some dogs can be very possessive of food/bones. It may be that Koa just doesn't mix well with small children although he is a sweet dog. Not a bad idea for you ton consult a behaviorist if you want to try to keep him - I'm going to do that about Gwennie - I don't have kids but when she bit Nero, well I have always called Nero my firstborn and it was like someone had hurt my baby so I know what that feels like.

Sara, congrats on your A+! Awesome! What is the class?

Kate, I think if you'd like to see DH sooner you should do so. Just go with what feels right. I have a feeling you're already beginning to work things out.

[The10Eels]

Aw, share!
I never remember my camera when I should!

[The10Eels]

The friend I was with was all "Do you think its a 'bump-it'?" I almost died laughing

[Gwenn]

Oh ... My ... God ... excuse me, can't type for laughing ...

[AmeriBrit]

LOL! Wooow! Oh, how I miss Wal*Mart!

[missychrissy]

omg-that picture is hilarious!!

Bridget, I'd try to see if there are any behavior training classes available.

[missychrissy]

Rich & I had a good talk last night. He insists he can stop drinking on his own. I don't really believe him, but I'm resigned. I have to wait out our current lease anyway, and I'm still not going to agree to buy any house that I cannot afford on my own.

For whatever reason, he believes me now that I'm done and he said beer isn't worth losing me. I don't know if he believes me fully about how bad he is when he drinks, but whether he agrees with me or not I think he's finally clear that I'm not willing to live with it.