Secular Confessions

**daylilies** · 10-20-2010, 06:51 AM

I bet that would be an awesome experience for Savana, Bridget. She'd probably always remember it.
DH just took Josh to school. I'm still not sure who's going where or anything. On one hand I want to leave the house and get a clean start but on the other hand I realize Josh is not most of the problem and that DH should be the one to leave. I feel like if I didn't have DH to deal with, Josh would not be such a stressor. But then DH of course wants to keep Josh during this too. I want to find a job and other things and it would be harder if I had Josh. So what do we do?
Chrissy I know what you mean about not being able to make him what I want. I have a framed copy of the words our minister wrote for us for our wedding. It's long but one part of it says something like 'your partner will not be everything you need'. Well basically he's not much of what I need at all. Aside from his great work ethic and planning ahead for retirement and emergencies, I don't really feel fulfilled by him at all.
I've been looking at those words a lot, trying to make sense of them and realizing the words are very meaningful and they fit what I want and that DH is the one who is not fitting into them.
I called my mom a little while ago to see if I could stay with her and she didn't pick up. Either she was still sleeping, or in the shower or something.

**stash** · 10-20-2010, 08:23 AM

That's great, Bridget. I'd forgotten about the daycare. We planned something similar, and birthed in our office suite, which is separate from the house. Lucky for us, I.went into labor as I.was putting Oscar to bed and he was born about 45 minutes before Oscar came looking for me. He woke up to a new brother and a houseful of.midwives.

I.am so excited for you. Birthing Gus at home, on my own terms, was the most amazing thing I've ever done.

**stephmama** · 10-20-2010, 08:43 AM

Kate, I just wanted to pop in and say good luck. I hope you find a way to be happy with you.

**stephmama** · 10-20-2010, 08:44 AM

And Stash, your birth sounded perfect and amazing. I love it when women get the birth they want. It gives me the warm fuzzies.

**daylilies** · 10-20-2010, 08:53 AM

Thanks Steph.

I have to admit I didn't plan this very well. I didn't plan where I was going to go or anything before I broke the news to DH. So we're still sitting here like "Awk-warrrrd...."
My mom isn't answering the phone and I really don't feel like talking to my dad yet...I want to stay in this area so I can still do my church class thing and stay in touch with my counselor and the gym, and be close to Josh, but on the other hand I want to be with my family and they're all 2 hours away. My personal trainer said he could get me a job at the day care at this gym he's opening if I get certification...but I don't have anyone I can live with here and apartments are really hard to come by.

**missychrissy** · 10-20-2010, 10:00 AM

Kate. I wish we lived close.

**newmami** · 10-20-2010, 11:29 AM

I am always lurking here, sorry

Stacy, Gus is adorable!!

he does look like Oscar, I am so glad he is doing well

Kate, I am here if you want to talk

**MammaMia** · 10-20-2010, 11:46 AM

Huge hugs Kate!

I think a separation could be a really good thing for you. Your relationship sounds like it's sucking the life out of you.

Something must be in the air. DH & I have been on the verge of splitting up too. We had a big talk yesterday and cleared the air a bit, and we seem to be ok for now. DH was terrified that I was going to leave. I've been looking at apartments and everything.

I believe he truly loves me, and he keeps telling me that all he wants is to make me happy, but then when I tell him what I need from him (bare basic things), he seems either unwilling or incapable of doing them. I don't get it.

**newmami** · 10-20-2010, 11:51 AM

Originally Posted by MammaMia

I believe he truly loves me, and he keeps telling me that all he wants is to make me happy, but then when I tell him what I need from him (bare basic things), he seems either unwilling or incapable of doing them. I don't get it.

Gosh, I have one of those at home too!!

**Bridget** · 10-20-2010, 12:17 PM

Originally Posted by MammaMia

Huge hugs Kate!

I think a separation could be a really good thing for you. Your relationship sounds like it's sucking the life out of you.

Something must be in the air. DH & I have been on the verge of splitting up too. We had a big talk yesterday and cleared the air a bit, and we seem to be ok for now. DH was terrified that I was going to leave. I've been looking at apartments and everything.

I believe he truly loves me, and he keeps telling me that all he wants is to make me happy, but then when I tell him what I need from him (bare basic things), he seems either unwilling or incapable of doing them. I don't get it.

This! I tell him over and over and over what I need from him and he's constantly telling me he just wants to make me happy but he doesn't know how.
LISTEN!

**demigraf** · 10-20-2010, 12:32 PM

Hi, guys! I just got back last night. We spent the last 3 days on my friend's new farm on the Big Island. We snorkeled, fed the chickens, helped him pick coffee and set up this aquaponic system to grow organic vegetables out of troughs. It was pretty neat. The main source of nutrients for the veggies will be the waste product of about 200 fishies that live in these big tanks.

I have about 10 pages of reading to do to catch up with all's y'all. But I wanted to say once I finish paying bills, updating my resume (I'm temporarily a SAHM again - whoo hoo!), and restocking my shelves with food, I'll be back to chat with you ladies. I thought of you while I was away.

**Bridget** · 10-20-2010, 12:34 PM

Yay! Great to "see" you! So glad things are going well.

**AmeriBrit** · 10-20-2010, 12:56 PM

Glad you're back, demigraf! Sounds like you had a blast!

**daylilies** · 10-20-2010, 03:19 PM

Okay, so we're all married to/with the same type of man! LOL
I finally got in touch with my mom and I'm there now. Mom said DH called her when I was on my way up. She said he seemed "mystified" as to why I'm unhappy. It just boggles my mind.
My personal trainer offered me a job at the day care in the new gym he's opening up, if I can get certified. How does one get certified in child care? My plan right now is to return on Saturday. My mom basically had the same thoughts as some of you; that I need to build my own life. I want to give it a try, because I really want to try every little thing before I completely call it quits. :wave: Sarah! I've missed you around here! And you too demigraf!

**missychrissy** · 10-20-2010, 05:41 PM

Kate, I'm thinking of you. I purposefully signed on to see how you're doing.

In NY you can call the local social services office to see how to get certified for daycare. At least here, they either arrange for the education classes or have a list of them in the area. You could also google search "become daycare certified in X county" in the state in which you live. They should have a list of requirements and most likely some resources for you.

**Gwenn** · 10-20-2010, 05:41 PM

Kate, about Josh, would it help to have a legal separation in place with a custody agreement, or is that too scary a step? I can see you and DH arguing over Josh back and forth and things getting ugly.

Sarah and Myles, I'm so glad to see both of you!

**daylilies** · 10-20-2010, 05:57 PM

I don't know. As it stands now I'm going back on Saturday. With a little bit of space I can already see that I was just too overwhelmed at home to think clearly.
We have quite a few big personal issues from the past that are pretty sensitive and too long to go into here, but DH says he has put them behind him while I still stew over them. I don't know how to let go of anything!

I'm going to try to get that job or some other job. I need to go out and get things and not just wish that something would fall in my lap. I need to sit down and look DH in the eye and tell him what I need.
Thanks so much for checking up on me guys. I already want to go home. I miss Josh. I want to keep trying. Am I crazy?

**Gwenn** · 10-20-2010, 05:59 PM

You're not crazy, and I'd be worried about you if you didn't miss Josh. I hope I don't sound preachy, but things don't generally fall into your lap without at least a little bit of effort on your part to make it happen. I know you'll make things work for the best - whatever that may be.

**daylilies** · 10-20-2010, 06:04 PM

I know, I don't know why I'm living in this fantasy where people would do what I wanted and I'd get my dream job and everything. I understand not everything is easy, but sometimes I just wish *something* was easy, you know? LOL

**Cosmosmom** · 10-20-2010, 06:56 PM

Kate, nothing in life worth having is ever easy.

So I was reading today that the happiest people have a ratio of 3 positive experiences to every negative one. That is only about 20% of the people. That most people focus way too much on the negative that they neglect to even notice the positive experiences in life.

What we can't do is expect someone else to make us happy...it's just not someone else's job.

I really believe that is why I view myself as generally pretty happy....I let smaller things in life make me happy and just don't focus so much on the negative ones (and we all have negative ones). I enjoy little things like hugging on my Cosmo or a sitting on the porch on a nice day or enjoying a TV show or reading a good book.

What kinds of things do you enjoy? I know you've said before it's not politics but not everyone is into that. We all have very different things that we like doing.

I don't think that it's crazy to want to to try to work things out with Dh....who knows, if you become happier with yourself, maybe it would change things at home. I know at least with us...when one of us in crabby or depressed, it really affects both partners...but it works in reverse too, when one is happy, it tends to spread.

**daylilies** · 10-20-2010, 07:01 PM

I don't seem to enjoy much...I pick up a lot of things and get bored. I tried scrapbooking, I was really serious about it for a while but I stopped. I have the blog in my signature, but I don't do that much anymore. I've slacked off with the cooking. I don't know, not a lot of things seem to hold my interest. I have a short attention span for things.

**Bridget** · 10-20-2010, 07:31 PM

Kate, I hope you find what you are looking for. I will say this. When the **** hit the fan with dbf and I, I sort of panicked. We had just bought this house and I told him to fly here now or never talk to me again. Looking back, I wish I'd have taken a few weeks to really consider my options. The initial thought of being on your own is terrifying, no doubt. That said, you should do what you feel is right is for you. Maybe you just needed to clear your head for a minute.

Savana and Kai find a way around everything. I asked them not to use the word hate a few weeks ago. As in, "I hate this shirt". I said it's just much more pleasant to say you don't care for something. Well they kept saying it and when I reminded them again Kai said, "Hate means 'I don't care for'. We changed what it means." Then Savana chimed in with "Everyone's different. Things don't always mean the same thing to everyone." MY LINE. Although I let it go and I think they're over it now. Haven't heard it for awhile.
So now we've been on this huge board game kick and they're both saying I "wan" instead on "won". A few times I've said, "Actually wan isn't a word. The word you're looking for is "won".
"No mom, we invented the word wan. You don't know about it because it's new. We invented it."
The little stinkers don't even let me correct their grammar! I don't know what I'm in for when they are teenagers.

**daylilies** · 10-20-2010, 07:34 PM

LOL
Kids have airtight logic, don't they?

**stash** · 10-20-2010, 07:41 PM

Kate, have you ever been treated for depression? I ask because not enjoying anything and feeling like this.are futile are significant symptoms of clinical depression.

I confess my mom's been here for three weeks and is leaving Sunday. I'm torn because I want my.family and.space back, but it's actually been so nice having her, and having the help. Dh has been working some the past two weeks and she's been Oscar's constant playmate as I get used to parenting two kids.

Sigh.

**Bridget** · 10-20-2010, 07:46 PM

Aw man, Stacy. That is hard. I remember feeling the same way after I had Kai and my mom had flown to Hawaii to be with us. I cried in her arms the night before she left.

**daylilies** · 10-20-2010, 07:48 PM

That's what my therapist thinks I have (depression) but she doesn't prescribe pills. I've been on and off pills over the last couple years for various things but not depression. I'm just not a big fan of the idea of taking pills. I'd rather not.

**Cosmosmom** · 10-20-2010, 07:48 PM

Originally Posted by daylilies

I don't seem to enjoy much...I pick up a lot of things and get bored. I tried scrapbooking, I was really serious about it for a while but I stopped. I have the blog in my signature, but I don't do that much anymore. I've slacked off with the cooking. I don't know, not a lot of things seem to hold my interest. I have a short attention span for things.

But really most people have a variety of things they do. I like to crochet....I will do a decent amount for a while and than not touch a project for months and months. Than I might get into a puzzle for a while until that is finished. Reading I love to do but I might change genres or read a lot for a bit and a little less for a bit.

**daylilies** · 10-20-2010, 07:48 PM

I'm glad you got good help from your mom. It must have been nice!

**stash** · 10-20-2010, 08:02 PM

I'm not suggesting meds, though there's an appropriate place for them. I'm suggesting recognition and treatment...

**3andMe** · 10-20-2010, 08:04 PM

Kate, did your therapist decide that it was depression instead of bipolar disorder? I would still be concerned about making life-changing decisions without ensuring that an underlying mood disorder was at its best state, and I think bipolar disorder is considered to be fairly difficult to overcome with therapy alone. I imagine you have got to be having so many different feelings right now.

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