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Thread: Secular Confessions

  1. #14311
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    Quote Originally Posted by daylilies View Post
    Well I need to talk to my therapist about the things I've said to you guys. It's just within the last few days that I've really put my finger on what exactly is wrong. I'm seeing her on the 30th.
    Good, I'm glad you're going to discuss it with her.

    I remember going through a very unhappy period in my life and seeking help with a therapist. She was the one that asked me, "Are you always unhappy, or just when you're at home?" It wasn't until that moment that I realized I was unhappy only when I was with Rich. That was during the period when we broke up for about 11 months.

    At least you were already aware of when your unhappiness was occurring. Rich had nearly had me convinced that it was me and that I was able to be happy away from home because I was faking it in front of other people. He didn't say that in so many words, but that's where my state of mind was at that time. I took 100% of the blame for everything.

    Quote Originally Posted by The10Eels View Post
    I confess I just took a trip down memory lane --

    A year goes by so dang fast.

    Mama to Bobbie 20 ~ Jesi 18 ~ Syd 14 ~ Conner 6
    I'm gonna be a Gramama! Jesi is due 11/22/13


  2. #14312
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    Conner talks more and more about getting a baby. He wants to get one on Saturday. He assures me that he will be a good big brother.

    While I think it's about the cutest thing in the world, there's no way I'm having another baby. I can't tell him that though. I don't wanna break his heart.

    Mama to Bobbie 20 ~ Jesi 18 ~ Syd 14 ~ Conner 6
    I'm gonna be a Gramama! Jesi is due 11/22/13


  3. #14313
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    Aw, Chrissy, that's so cute and bittersweet. I wasn't sure I wanted 2 kids until we had Travis and saw how much he loved other kids, so I couldn't deny him a little buddy. LOL. But 2 are enough for me. My Rich is going to get a referral for the big V soon...if he stops procastinating about it!

    Gwen, your story reminds me of my sister...she seems to attract weird guys' attention...when she goes to WalMart alone, she's always getting offers for helping her to carry her groceries out, etc, by random guys...she hates that!

    Stash, glad to hear things are going well! Have you posted any pics of Gus on here? Does he look like Oscar when he was a baby?

    My update-my tendonitis is still bothering me and now I have an infection under my fingernail and that is throbbing like mad, too, so I just can't seem to win at the minute...and I'm trying to diet but me on a diet is the biggest oxymoron there is...I love food too much to lose weight...

  4. #14314

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    LOL silverstar! Right there with you on the diet thing! I've hit a wall, it seems, and I'm sliding back to my old ways of eating. Too much bready stuff, too much cheese and too much snacking at night. I'm afraid to weigh myself tomorrow. Fingers crossed...
    Sorry about the infection, and tendonitis
    Thanks Chrissy...I'm sorry Rich made you feel like it was just that you're unhappy everywhere. When I think about it, DH kind of says the same thing. And it's true I am generally a negative person but there are things that make me happy. It's just that DH tends to kind of bring it down a little bit. For instance he asked the other day if I wanted to take Josh to Chuck E Cheese with him and that would have been great for Josh but the only thing I could envision was DH getting impatient with Josh and I didn't want to deal with that. It was already a really bad day.
    Can I ask you what happened when you two broke up? When was that? Did one of you move out and how did you handle taking care of the kids? How did you decide you were going to get back together?
    DH makes me feel like all I'm into is new kids on the block and browsing my parenting website LOL and he says he can't possibly find anything in common with me in those parameters. I almost want to show him APA so he can see what we talk about and we could have discussions on those topics, but then he'd see all the crap I say about him
    I know there is more to me than that, it's just hard to explore my own interests when I have to basically entertain Josh all day!
    Oh, and Josh has already told me a few times that he doesn't love me anymore. Is that normal for an almost 4 year old? I thought that phase didn't hit until much later. It breaks my heart. How do I react to that? I've tried to talk to him about it and I've tried ignoring it. Ignoring it usually makes him stop saying it. I'm sure he doesn't quite understand the gravity of what he's saying but I can't help but feel like it's because of all the stress around here. It's just awful.
    Sorry for the long post...

  5. #14315
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    I remember when I was about 6ih telling my dad that I hated him. I can remember so very clearly him saying "join the club" and the sadness in his voice when he said it...I don't think I ever said it to him again. It's just something kids say cause they know it's not nice but they don't really realize what they are saying, especially at 4! Travis is only 2 1/2 and he told me the other day, "I no like you, I like daddy." That was after I told him off for doing something like throwing a toy across the room.

    Daylilies, maybe a trial separation would do you and your DH some good. Try it out and see how you feel (if you can figure out the logistics of it). Life's too short to be unhappy!

  6. #14316
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    Claire has told dh a couple of times "I no love you Daddy" usually when he's trying to put her to bed and she doesn't want to go. It's weird how much more advanced she is at the emotional skills and manipulations. She also is very good at deliberately coming up and giving a kiss and saying "I love you" when she wants something. I think it's a skill I didn't develop until way later than most of my peers, and of course she's not subtle at all, but it's so interesting how it doesn't seem to be a learned behavior.

    ETA: That started at least as early as 2 1/2.


  7. #14317

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    Kai used to tell me all the time that he didn't like me. That I'm mean and yucky. Among other things. It sucks that it hurts but it does even though you know they have no idea the context of what they are saying.
    He grew out of it. Now he calls me a snarky-head or any other nonsense word that ends in head. I also take care of a little girl that tell me she loves me the very second that she sees I've noticed her making a poor choice. She tells me she loves me and I'm beautiful.

    My state licensor was just here and I didn't get written for anything!! The word on the street is that he's a stickler and no one ever gets out without a write up and I've always been written up in the past for minor paper work related things. I'm super happy!!!

  8. #14318

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    Quote Originally Posted by stash View Post
    Hi sorry! I've been lurking and not posting much. Gus is great, fat as a little piggy, and so pleasant it's.almost painful. He's nursing and making contented little sighs right now.

    Bridget, how're things with your pregnancy? When're you due again?
    So glad things are well! My pregnancy is great. Couldn't be better, actually. I feel great and strong. Having some slight worries about who is going to do my daycare after I have the baby but other than that it's all good. I am due end of january.
    Last edited by Bridget; 10-19-2010 at 12:00 PM.

  9. #14319
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    Quote Originally Posted by daylilies View Post
    Thanks Chrissy...I'm sorry Rich made you feel like it was just that you're unhappy everywhere. When I think about it, DH kind of says the same thing. And it's true I am generally a negative person but there are things that make me happy. It's just that DH tends to kind of bring it down a little bit. For instance he asked the other day if I wanted to take Josh to Chuck E Cheese with him and that would have been great for Josh but the only thing I could envision was DH getting impatient with Josh and I didn't want to deal with that. It was already a really bad day.
    Can I ask you what happened when you two broke up? When was that? Did one of you move out and how did you handle taking care of the kids? How did you decide you were going to get back together?
    DH makes me feel like all I'm into is new kids on the block and browsing my parenting website LOL and he says he can't possibly find anything in common with me in those parameters. I almost want to show him APA so he can see what we talk about and we could have discussions on those topics, but then he'd see all the crap I say about him
    I know there is more to me than that, it's just hard to explore my own interests when I have to basically entertain Josh all day!
    Oh, and Josh has already told me a few times that he doesn't love me anymore. Is that normal for an almost 4 year old? I thought that phase didn't hit until much later. It breaks my heart. How do I react to that? I've tried to talk to him about it and I've tried ignoring it. Ignoring it usually makes him stop saying it. I'm sure he doesn't quite understand the gravity of what he's saying but I can't help but feel like it's because of all the stress around here. It's just awful.
    Sorry for the long post...
    There's so much I want to say, I hope I don't miss something.

    The Chuck E Cheese thing-I know exactly what you're saying. When you're already wore out, you don't have much left to properly deal with extra stuff. If you know your dh is going to fail you and become an issue, then of course the idea of going out isn't going to be appealing. It makes sense to me, and I really want you to try to lighten up on yourself. He has a responsibility too, even if he doesn't want to admit it.

    Rich & I broke up 100 years ago It feels that way anyway. I was pregnant with Jessica. There was lots of things that contributed to our split...many, many levels of dysfunction and lack of communication. I was a passionate teen (I was 18 when I had her) and would sometimes throw things at him. Lots of yelling, blaming, poverty, stress...it was very ugly. Splitting up was a good, healthy thing for us.

    During the 11 months, and even just before we split, I did go to counseling. I worked on myself and got to the point where I felt I could be happy and have a great life without him. Believe me, it wasn't easy to get there but I'm trying to keep this post short Rich expressed interest in getting back together and I really dragged my feet. I had gotten my license, completed my GED, attended parenting classes and even a 6-month secretarial program in the time we'd been split up. I fully worked on me and I felt great. Rich & I 'dated' for a while before I allowed him to move in with me (I'd also moved to a better location and got myself a car of my own, when he left I had nothing).

    It bothers me that your dh doesn't feel like you have anything you can talk about on common ground. Does he even try? What about mentioning some things we talk about on here...maybe not say "On my mommy board..." but "My friend and I were talking about Palin, and _______" or whatever subject you find interesting. I know Rich & I have had numerous conversations that were triggered by things I read on APA. Instead of talking down to you about your likes and dismissing them as uninteresting, he can bring up conversation pieces too. Like I said before, he has a responsibility in how healthy your relationship is too.

    It is totally normal for Josh to say that...and yes, it does hurt a lot. Conner has unfortunately learned that saying "I don't like you" has power...so he uses it. I tell him that's ok and that's the only response he gets from me. Maybe it's easier for me because I've experienced this before and I know for certain this phase will pass, and it has nothing to do with how he really feels about you. He's just learning the power of his words and testing his limits with you.


    Mama to Bobbie 20 ~ Jesi 18 ~ Syd 14 ~ Conner 6
    I'm gonna be a Gramama! Jesi is due 11/22/13


  10. #14320

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    Thanks very much Chrissy.
    We're both pretty passionate people about certain topics, but I don't know how to debate and he does. Even though we have that difference, we both (or at least I do) end up getting hurt feelings when we talk about things we disagree on. I know how I feel about certain things but I usually don't know how to put it into words, so if we tried to have a debate on politics, for instance, I would end up feeling confused and/or hurt.
    I feel like we just disagree on too much. Once in a while I just wish we agreed on something. I'm all for debate but I'd just like to say something like "you know, when you send Josh to his room for every little thing, I feel like it sends the wrong message" and have him agree with me and really work on it. I explain to him how I feel about certain things and he seems to get it (he always says I have the say on how to raise Josh) but then I see him doing the same thing that I don't approve of.
    I think I'm getting too far off topic. Today I just pretty much decided I need to bring up the idea of a trial separation. I just realized we have this vicious cycle. Year after year we fall apart around this time, then we make up and manage to get through a year and then it gets really bad again the next winter. It's like clockwork. And it's making me realize maybe things aren't going to change.

  11. #14321
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    I'm sorry. Not every conversation needs to be, or even should be, a debate. I guess using Palin as an example was probably a bad one, especially if you're on different political pages. Rich had republican tendencies, but he will hear me out about specific issues and ends up liberal on each point by the time I'm done It probably wouldn't work so well if he were a staunch republican.

    A trial separation doesn't mean the end. I know it's difficult and scary and there's likely going to be a lot of anger and threats involved, but I think sometimes that's the only way a person can really find themselves.

    Mama to Bobbie 20 ~ Jesi 18 ~ Syd 14 ~ Conner 6
    I'm gonna be a Gramama! Jesi is due 11/22/13


  12. #14322

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    Quote Originally Posted by bridgetwu75 View Post
    So glad things are well! My pregnancy is great. Couldn't be better, actually. I feel great and strong. Having some slight worries about who is going to do my daycare after I have the baby but other than that it's all good. I am due end of january.
    Ugh, but I know you'll figure it out.

    Who's on to look after Kai and Savana while you're in labor?



  13. #14323

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    I know. But I think that if I left for 11 months, 1) DH would not take me back and 2) I probably would not want to include him back in the life I finally made my own, unless he had honestly changed. I want to be with someone who loves kids, who can help me through the issues with Josh instead of just saying "Yup you're right, this phase sucks" or whatever. I need someone who is going to be supportive. I want someone who understands what I want and is on the same page instead of saying "You're the one who sits around all day doing research, you figure out how to raise him" (not in those words, but essentially, I'm the one who goes to the pedi and talks to you guys and the moms at church, so I make all the decisions on how to raise him and he gets to float by)
    Honestly, if I dated again after this, I'd probably seek out a woman. LOL

  14. #14324

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    And no, I suck, I.haven't posted any more than one pic of Gus in my birth month. I'm always checking in on my Droid and uploading is painful. He looks SO much like Oscar.

    He gained a full pound in six days.



  15. #14325

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    Quote Originally Posted by stash View Post
    He gained a full pound in six days.
    Hey, I can do that too!
    Go Gus! Pictures please!

  16. #14326

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    You know, I have to admit, it seems like YOU are really unhappy. Both with DH, and well, with YOU. I think the focus of your effort needs to be whatever it takes to make YOU whole, happy and healthy. Your relationship with your husband, your kid, anyone (even yourself) will follow suit if you can find the space you need for YOU.



  17. #14327

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    Okay here we go try these...






  18. #14328

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    Aww, yes, I do see a little bit of Oscar in those pictures! He's so cute!
    You're right, I am unhappy, but mostly at home. I'm happy (if a bit out of my league) teaching the church class. I'm happy when I'm working out. I'm happy when I'm at a concert, or eating good food, or relaxing with a drink.
    Today Josh was tough all day. He threw a fit in the mall for a good 20 minutes because he wanted to go to the upstairs of JC Penney. I don't know why I chose to fight him on that. I really wanted to get in and out of the mall for some reason and not screw around in home decorating upstairs. I should have taken him home but I really need new jeans (which I didn't even end up finding). I took him outside and talked to him and he calmed down and was a completely different child after that.
    Then he didn't want to leave the gym when I was done and he bit and kicked me when I gently tried to coax him out.

  19. #14329

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    Stacy, dbf is going to hang with the kids while I'm in labor. I don't need him with me. I still have to find a doula but I had Kai pretty much on my own so I know I'll be fine. Gus is perfect.

    Kate the thing that I always keep in my head with kids is that they are so thrilled about life and so ready to absorb everything and learn everything but they have very, very little control in their worlds. Can you imagine how frustrating that is? Dbf and I have this conversation all the time because he forever wants to rush the kids for his own sake and I'm like, "Dude, let them live their little lives too."
    I'm not saying you're like dbf at all but I think we all sometimes get caught up in our own goals and forget that they have little goals as well. Like housewares, for example.

    I also think it's important to make yourself happy. And I know you are afraid of what may happen if you and dh separate but you can't go on like you are. I think you'll be surprised at how happy you can be on your own, with Josh.
    And oh, by the way, hi. I'm pot. Nice to meet you kettle.

  20. #14330

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    LOL Bridget. Housewares. I was like, really? you want to go see the beds? And he's like yahh! Whatever! We did get him a cute Christmas nightlight though. Gah! I couldn't believe they had Christmas stuff out already.

    Okay so, I'm beating around the bush. DH and I have basically split up. I'm supposed to go find somewhere to go tomorrow and DH is going to keep Josh, I guess? I want to find a job, I think. Even if it's small. I don't want to go too far, so we can both still be involved with Josh during this. I think he thinks I don't want Josh! I have expressed how frustrating he is but I certainly don't want to give him up.

  21. #14331
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    Gus is so sweet. Thanks for sharing.

    Kate, it does sound as though you are really unhappy and I agree it's a two way street. If he really isn't willing to attempt to find common interests, even when it comes to raising Josh, it isn't much of a partnership.

    And I agree with Bridget about control. One of the trainings I went to for work I remember the presenter bringing up the "control" issue. For some reason people who work with special needs kids often get caught in this power struggle and will dismiss something a child is telling them by saying "oh, X just wants to be in control." Or maybe that's most people who work with kids in general? As the presenter said, all us want to be in control of our lives and what happens to us. That is normal and we shouldn't discount it. Sometimes having no control is what brings out these meltdowns ... I know I feel that way too when my life seems out of control and deep down I want to react the same way (and maybe I do if the snippy email I sent to a coworker today is any example).
    Me (39) DH (46) & furbabies * m/c 7/08 4/12 11/12

  22. #14332
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    Quote Originally Posted by daylilies View Post
    LOL Bridget. Housewares. I was like, really? you want to go see the beds? And he's like yahh! Whatever! We did get him a cute Christmas nightlight though. Gah! I couldn't believe they had Christmas stuff out already.

    Okay so, I'm beating around the bush. DH and I have basically split up. I'm supposed to go find somewhere to go tomorrow and DH is going to keep Josh, I guess? I want to find a job, I think. Even if it's small. I don't want to go too far, so we can both still be involved with Josh during this. I think he thinks I don't want Josh! I have expressed how frustrating he is but I certainly don't want to give him up.
    I hope this is a good opportunity for you to find what makes you happy.
    Me (39) DH (46) & furbabies * m/c 7/08 4/12 11/12

  23. #14333

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    That makes perfect sense Gwenn. Even when I said "Well can I go look for my pants first, then we can go upstairs" he wasn't happy with that, because to him it still wasn't what he wanted. He wanted to go look at housewares first.
    Thanks...I just hope I haven't chickened out by tomorrow. I need to stay strong about this. No more vicious cycle.

  24. #14334

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    Quote Originally Posted by daylilies View Post
    That makes perfect sense Gwenn. Even when I said "Well can I go look for my pants first, then we can go upstairs" he wasn't happy with that, because to him it still wasn't what he wanted. He wanted to go look at housewares first.
    Thanks...I just hope I haven't chickened out by tomorrow. I need to stay strong about this. No more vicious cycle.
    I just wanted to say you have my admiration for what you've decided. It's very courageous to strike out on your own in a situation like this and you're taking a HUGE step towards regaining YOU.

    You will be okay!

    One of A Kind

  25. #14335
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    Kate.


  26. #14336

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    Hugs, Kate.

    Bridget, will they be in the house? I'm being nosy because the one thing I underestimated was the noise of late labor (mine). We were lucky Oscar was asleep, because even though my mom.was there to care for him, I think he'd have been upset hearing me. And I just wonder how your dbf will parent them through it?



  27. #14337
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    Ah, those are great photos, Stash! He's adorable! Sounds like you guys are doing awesomely!

    Kate, just wanted to wish you luck with your big decision...I'm sure you'll be fine...just take baby steps if ya can!

  28. #14338

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    Quote Originally Posted by stash View Post
    Hugs, Kate.

    Bridget, will they be in the house? I'm being nosy because the one thing I underestimated was the noise of late labor (mine). We were lucky Oscar was asleep, because even though my mom.was there to care for him, I think he'd have been upset hearing me. And I just wonder how your dbf will parent them through it?
    It sort of depends on the time of day of labor. January is the coldest time of year here. Below 0 weather more than likely. We'll most likely be hunkered down at home. I think Savana will probably want to be with me. We watched The Business of Being Born together and she is totally fascinated. I've talked to her several times about how it hurts to have a baby and that I might be loud and upset but that I will be okay. She told my midwives she wants to help catch the baby. We shall see about that one. Kai I'm quite confident if he has dbf's attention he won't care where I am or what I'm doing. He adores his daddy and soaks up whatever he gets.
    I think if all else fails, dbf will take them down to the daycare. It's totally separate from the house and if they put some music on they won't be able to hear anything.

  29. #14339

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    Kate, I'm proud of you.

    I feel worried about Savana. She has so much anxiety. When faced with any decision at all she has a complete meltdown. It's not a tantrum either. It's true dispair. For example, last night dbf was laying with Kai for bedtime and Savana said to me that maybe she wanted to lay with daddy and Kai instead of me. I said ok and then for the next 15 minutes she proceeded to work herself into sobs saying that she couldn't decide if she should snuggle me or daddy. She gets like this most often when it's choosing between doing something with dbf or being with me but it also extends to choosing a toy to buy at the store, choosing a story at night....

  30. #14340
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    Quote Originally Posted by daylilies View Post
    I know. But I think that if I left for 11 months, 1) DH would not take me back and 2) I probably would not want to include him back in the life I finally made my own, unless he had honestly changed. I want to be with someone who loves kids, who can help me through the issues with Josh instead of just saying "Yup you're right, this phase sucks" or whatever. I need someone who is going to be supportive. I want someone who understands what I want and is on the same page instead of saying "You're the one who sits around all day doing research, you figure out how to raise him" (not in those words, but essentially, I'm the one who goes to the pedi and talks to you guys and the moms at church, so I make all the decisions on how to raise him and he gets to float by)
    Honestly, if I dated again after this, I'd probably seek out a woman. LOL
    11 months was what worked for us. Other people stay apart for shorter periods...or even longer. Besides that, and I say this with a great deal of compassion and love, you cannot make your husband fit into the mold of what you want out of a spouse. There's nothing you can do to make him be supportive. I know that sounds mean, but it's a conversation I have with myself too sometimes.

    Quote Originally Posted by stash View Post
    You know, I have to admit, it seems like YOU are really unhappy. Both with DH, and well, with YOU. I think the focus of your effort needs to be whatever it takes to make YOU whole, happy and healthy. Your relationship with your husband, your kid, anyone (even yourself) will follow suit if you can find the space you need for YOU.
    I agree with Stacy too. If you're totally happy and fulfilled, it gives you the energy and the capacity to deal with the other stuff going on in your life with Josh and your dh.

    Quote Originally Posted by bridgetwu75 View Post
    And oh, by the way, hi. I'm pot. Nice to meet you kettle.
    I'm feeling the same way. I tell myself the same things I've said to Kate and I cannot seem to take my own advice. It's not that I don't believe what I say...it's that making those decisions is extremely hard. I know that.

    Quote Originally Posted by daylilies View Post
    Okay so, I'm beating around the bush. DH and I have basically split up. I'm supposed to go find somewhere to go tomorrow and DH is going to keep Josh, I guess? I want to find a job, I think. Even if it's small. I don't want to go too far, so we can both still be involved with Josh during this. I think he thinks I don't want Josh! I have expressed how frustrating he is but I certainly don't want to give him up.
    Great big to you.

    Bridget-I really hope it works out so Savannah can be there. I had toyed with the idea of allowing my girls to be there for Sydney's and Conner's births but I chickened out. If you can do it, I'd be so dang happy for you!!! I'm sure she'd be a great little support person through the process too.

    Stacy-Gus is absolutely adorable.

    Mama to Bobbie 20 ~ Jesi 18 ~ Syd 14 ~ Conner 6
    I'm gonna be a Gramama! Jesi is due 11/22/13


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