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Thread: Secular Confessions

  1. #14131

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    So, you guys, ugh. Major drama over here. My sister has a history of both mental illness and infidelity. She's had to be committed before, and the last time she was caught cheating, I think she sort of faked or at least exaggerated another mental breakdown so everyone would be sympathetic for her. Her DH already forgave her for it that time, and for years we thought she was all better. However, about 6 months ago, she made a comment to me about a male friend of hers and I suspected right then that she was cheating again.

    We are currently renting the house we live in from her. It's much nicer than what we can afford, and she's doing us a favor, charging us half of what she pays in mortgage for it. I had a talk with DH back then about what we'd do if it turns out she really was up to her old tricks again, and we agreed we'd move out (on the basis that we can't be accepting favors from someone who would do something as awful as that). Long story short, she came over last night, distraught, needing to confess to me because this guy won't leave his wife and twin 4 year olds for her and she was heartbroken. The oversimplified version is... I told her she needed to tell her husband, that I think what she did was wrong, and now we were going to move out. That's when she basically whipped out her box of s#!+ and started flinging everything she could think of at us to try to hurt us. You should have heard her; apparently I'm cold for not supporting her, I'm self-righteous, we're too naive to understand her situation, we're lazy for living in her house (you have to understand she had begged us to move there), I married beneath me, her own husband can't stand us, and oh yeah, we're cruel to my parents because we don't pretend to be religious for them.

    She was really starting to say delusional things, and there was absolutely no point in arguing with her. So the last 10 minutes were literally her ranting at us while we sat there waiting for her to be done, saying nothing so she would just leave.

    So now we're looking around for new places to live, and the most f'd up thing? We are going to be sharing a condo in Maui with my parents and her and her DH two days from now to celebrate my parents' 40th anniversary. We're supposed to be posing for family portraits on the beach and having a special time as a family for the sake of my folks. She has made it clear she doesn't want us to say anything to her husband about it ("let me figure out how I'm going to handle it"), and DH & I don't think it's for us to tell him the truth anyway. So we just responded to her 4 e-mails we got from her this morning with 2 sentences: "It's not our place to tell C the truth. However, we will not lie for you about anything."

    She (while getting on a plane with her DH for a wedding on Kauai already) then responded with an e-mail that sounded like her will - leaving 75% of her assets for us. We texted her DH just asking if she was ok. He texted back (having been told by her that we fought with her over the house and my parents) that she's "rough but ok". Clearly, she hasn't told him yet and her suggested suicide threat was another bluff.

    There's so much more that's still going to play out. I have told only 4 other people ever(besides my parents) about my suspicions. This whole thing just makes me sick. I don't know what I'm going to say to my parents, what I'm going to say to her DH when I next see him (he's inclined to believe her negative reports about us). I don't know if I'll have a relationship with her anymore after this. I don't know if she's going to have another psychotic episode while we're on vacation.

    The silver lining, I guess, is that DH & I felt total solidarity with each other during and after that ordeal. And we're a little bit excited to find a place to move again. We might even go back down to Southern CA. We miss our old surfer lifestyle. It's sad that it takes seeing someone else self-destruct to make us realize how goofy and unimportant our fights are.
    Last edited by demigraf; 10-07-2010 at 05:20 PM.

  2. #14132

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    Jaysus, Myles. Just big is all I can come up with. That sound so stressful.
    But cheers to solidarity and the surfer lifestyle. Silver lining for sure.

  3. #14133

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    Think our birth ran us about $4k, with doula and other miscellaneous stuff. But insurance covers it, and that's in comparison to over $10k in hospital...



  4. #14134
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    Myles, that sounds so incredibly stressful but I am glad you found a silver lining. Maybe you and DH will be happier with a change.

    Stacy, I'm glad you had such a great experience with the homebirth.

    I confess there's about a 99% chance of my moving to the other side of the country when DH returns. It's complicated, but he received one job offer and there is a possibility of a second offer which would be DH's dream job. Since he spent two years unemployed while actively looking for work here at home, there's no reason not to move as my job is in high demand and I would almost certainly earn more after a move, as well. Because I work for the school district, while I live here I can't work for a contract agency that supplies contractors to the district and pays substantially more because they can't hire me away from their client. If I move I can go to work for a contract agency with no problems.
    Me (39) DH (46) & furbabies * m/c 7/08 4/12 11/12

  5. #14135

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    How do you feel about moving?

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    I don't really know. I would have moved away years ago if it hadn't been for DH and his old job keeping me here, but now I've lived in this city for almost 25 years and I know it so well, and I have family, good friends, good colleagues, and people in my profession who really respect me so it's hard to throw that away. On the other hand, I miss trees and grass and something inside me has been crying for that for years (I know it sounds silly) and I'd kind of like some space from my parents as well (although 2000 miles is a lot of space). If we went to the place where he actually has an offer, we'd move to St. Augustine, FL where I went to visit him this summer, and we just fell in love with it. If he was to be offered his dream job, it would mean a move to rural Georgia and I'm honestly a little scared of that (no offense, Erin, I know you live in Georgia ... but I'm a Yankee by birth and a speech pathologist and the idea of working with such a different accent professionally terrifies me). I did hear that because SLPs are hard to find in Georgia, they make a lot more than I'd earn either here or in FL but I don't know the South at all. So I really don't know WHAT I think. We would also probably not be able to sell our house because we bought at the top of the market and then it lost value, so most likely we'd rent out our house and rent another house where we move, and I'm not crazy about that idea, either ... although this house needs so much work I'm almost glad to leave it. Oh, and the stalker situation ... very good reason to move. So my emotions are all over the place right now.
    Me (39) DH (46) & furbabies * m/c 7/08 4/12 11/12

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    How stressful Myles. I wish I knew what to say, but when you're dealing with crazy people the worst is bound to happen sometime. I sincerely hope she doesn't lose it during your parent's celebration.

    Gwenn. It may be a good opportunity. I almost wish Rich or I had a good job offer far away.

    Mama to Bobbie 20 ~ Jesi 18 ~ Syd 14 ~ Conner 6
    I'm gonna be a Gramama! Jesi is due 11/22/13


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    I confess I went out with a friend after work, and had probably more than I should have (chocolate cake shots are DELICIOUS btw) and when I got home my mommy fed me oven baked chicken, mashed potatoes, stuffing, and broccoli with cheese sauce...

    mmmmmmmm

  9. #14139
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    Myles, I had no idea. I applaud you for standing up for your principles, and am glad I don't have to consider if I would do the same thing in your situation, because I really don't know if I would be able to turn down such a sweet deal on a nice house. I'm really sorry your sister is being so chaotic right now, and isn't it interesting how it takes a bit of mayhem to make all of the other issues seem so much less significant? That happens to me sometimes, too, and I wish I could remember that without all the drama. Even though I haven't seen you for a while, I would miss you if you left, because I like the idea of having you around and ready to see at a moment's notice.


  10. #14140

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    Quote Originally Posted by demigraf View Post
    So, you guys, ugh. Major drama over here. My sister has a history of both mental illness and infidelity. She's had to be committed before, and the last time she was caught cheating, I think she sort of faked or at least exaggerated another mental breakdown so everyone would be sympathetic for her. Her DH already forgave her for it that time, and for years we thought she was all better. However, about 6 months ago, she made a comment to me about a male friend of hers and I suspected right then that she was cheating again.

    We are currently renting the house we live in from her. It's much nicer than what we can afford, and she's doing us a favor, charging us half of what she pays in mortgage for it. I had a talk with DH back then about what we'd do if it turns out she really was up to her old tricks again, and we agreed we'd move out (on the basis that we can't be accepting favors from someone who would do something as awful as that). Long story short, she came over last night, distraught, needing to confess to me because this guy won't leave his wife and twin 4 year olds for her and she was heartbroken. The oversimplified version is... I told her she needed to tell her husband, that I think what she did was wrong, and now we were going to move out. That's when she basically whipped out her box of s#!+ and started flinging everything she could think of at us to try to hurt us. You should have heard her; apparently I'm cold for not supporting her, I'm self-righteous, we're too naive to understand her situation, we're lazy for living in her house (you have to understand she had begged us to move there), I married beneath me, her own husband can't stand us, and oh yeah, we're cruel to my parents because we don't pretend to be religious for them.

    She was really starting to say delusional things, and there was absolutely no point in arguing with her. So the last 10 minutes were literally her ranting at us while we sat there waiting for her to be done, saying nothing so she would just leave.

    So now we're looking around for new places to live, and the most f'd up thing? We are going to be sharing a condo in Maui with my parents and her and her DH two days from now to celebrate my parents' 40th anniversary. We're supposed to be posing for family portraits on the beach and having a special time as a family for the sake of my folks. She has made it clear she doesn't want us to say anything to her husband about it ("let me figure out how I'm going to handle it"), and DH & I don't think it's for us to tell him the truth anyway. So we just responded to her 4 e-mails we got from her this morning with 2 sentences: "It's not our place to tell C the truth. However, we will not lie for you about anything."

    She (while getting on a plane with her DH for a wedding on Kauai already) then responded with an e-mail that sounded like her will - leaving 75% of her assets for us. We texted her DH just asking if she was ok. He texted back (having been told by her that we fought with her over the house and my parents) that she's "rough but ok". Clearly, she hasn't told him yet and her suggested suicide threat was another bluff.

    There's so much more that's still going to play out. I have told only 4 other people ever(besides my parents) about my suspicions. This whole thing just makes me sick. I don't know what I'm going to say to my parents, what I'm going to say to her DH when I next see him (he's inclined to believe her negative reports about us). I don't know if I'll have a relationship with her anymore after this. I don't know if she's going to have another psychotic episode while we're on vacation.

    The silver lining, I guess, is that DH & I felt total solidarity with each other during and after that ordeal. And we're a little bit excited to find a place to move again. We might even go back down to Southern CA. We miss our old surfer lifestyle. It's sad that it takes seeing someone else self-destruct to make us realize how goofy and unimportant our fights are.
    Oh Myles, I'm so sorry to hear this and I'll call you back tomorrow during naptime if you are around (sorry I was MIA today, long story but we lost one of our cats for good, I'm afraid).

    I seriously cannot believe she would repeat the same mistake again after all the misery it caused. I think you're being way more level headed than I would be (threatening to tell her DH by tomorrow if she doesn't crosses my mind). I'm so sorry that her craziness is still going strong and is infecting your life. I remember you predicting pretty much everything you just wrote but you said you wanted to give her the benefit of the doubt that she'd changed. I wished she had lived up to your hopes for the situation. Huge and remember that if you need a place to stay for the interim we have a huge lonely house out in Texas.

    Hey, what does this mean for your job? Will you wait to move until the contract plays out?



    lost our bean to Triploidy Sep 2010

  11. #14141
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    So sorry to hear about your sister, Myles...families can be so awkward! (Wouldn't it be nice if we could choose them instead?)

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    Some personality disorders and mental illnesses cause people to be promiscuous. I know it can be a symptom of bipolar disorder and when my mother was cycling through that she had episodes of it. Sadly, most of her cohorts were sheriff deputies. She would call them in crisis and they (some) would come over to 'console' her during their lunch breaks. I have vivid memories of it, and it took a lot for me to outgrow my distrust and hatred of police. Even as a child I knew she couldn't help it. Between my father and the therapists, I always knew my mom sometimes couldn't help herself so I didn't get angry at her....but man, did I hate those who were supposed to serve and protect for taking advantage of her. There were 3 or 4 of them that I can remember.

    Mama to Bobbie 20 ~ Jesi 18 ~ Syd 14 ~ Conner 6
    I'm gonna be a Gramama! Jesi is due 11/22/13


  13. #14143

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    Quote Originally Posted by Gwenn View Post
    I don't really know. I would have moved away years ago if it hadn't been for DH and his old job keeping me here, but now I've lived in this city for almost 25 years and I know it so well, and I have family, good friends, good colleagues, and people in my profession who really respect me so it's hard to throw that away. On the other hand, I miss trees and grass and something inside me has been crying for that for years (I know it sounds silly) and I'd kind of like some space from my parents as well (although 2000 miles is a lot of space). If we went to the place where he actually has an offer, we'd move to St. Augustine, FL where I went to visit him this summer, and we just fell in love with it. If he was to be offered his dream job, it would mean a move to rural Georgia and I'm honestly a little scared of that (no offense, Erin, I know you live in Georgia ... but I'm a Yankee by birth and a speech pathologist and the idea of working with such a different accent professionally terrifies me). I did hear that because SLPs are hard to find in Georgia, they make a lot more than I'd earn either here or in FL but I don't know the South at all. So I really don't know WHAT I think. We would also probably not be able to sell our house because we bought at the top of the market and then it lost value, so most likely we'd rent out our house and rent another house where we move, and I'm not crazy about that idea, either ... although this house needs so much work I'm almost glad to leave it. Oh, and the stalker situation ... very good reason to move. So my emotions are all over the place right now.
    Don't think you will offend me at all!!! I am not from GA and really I don't like it here and was planning on moving by 2013 but we found this great school for Ky so I decided to stay for the time being just because of the school. I really don't like it here at all and even though I don't like snow, I'm originally from OH, I would rather move back to the Midwest. But SLPs do get paid quite a bit here because there is such a shortage. Most people in Atlanta are not from Atlanta so you don't have to always fear the accent, but the local accent is horrible and it took me a good year to figure out what everyone was talking about. I was actually thinking of getting a Master's degree in speech pathology for special education because I have always been interested in it, but I don't think I'm cut out for it in a lot of areas. I was surprised at how much money they make here though and the fact that they would basicall pay for my all my student loans if I got the Master's and worked for a local school district for at least 5 years.

    And so sorry you are going through such a difficult situation with your sister demigaf, that sounds very stressful.

    Erin

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    Quote Originally Posted by Ky'sMom View Post
    Don't think you will offend me at all!!! I am not from GA and really I don't like it here and was planning on moving by 2013 but we found this great school for Ky so I decided to stay for the time being just because of the school. I really don't like it here at all and even though I don't like snow, I'm originally from OH, I would rather move back to the Midwest. But SLPs do get paid quite a bit here because there is such a shortage. Most people in Atlanta are not from Atlanta so you don't have to always fear the accent, but the local accent is horrible and it took me a good year to figure out what everyone was talking about. I was actually thinking of getting a Master's degree in speech pathology for special education because I have always been interested in it, but I don't think I'm cut out for it in a lot of areas. I was surprised at how much money they make here though and the fact that they would basicall pay for my all my student loans if I got the Master's and worked for a local school district for at least 5 years.
    Thanks for the feedback. We wouldn't be in Atlanta, DH's potential job would be in Columbus and we'd look for somewhere to live in a small town outside the city. I've heard Columbus is pretty much a military town and aimed at your average 20-something male (i.e. lots of strip clubs and bars, etc) so it's better to move to the surrounding area. Which means I'd be in the small town area and I guess it would depend how many other military families were also there to know how many non-Georgia accents I'd have around me! If we do go out there, though, you and I should definitely meet up!

    I have to say that there are so many good reasons to become an SLP, and the shortage of certified people/job security is a big one. You have to be cut out for it, though ... the job requires enormous amounts of patience and the ability to handle insane caseload sizes (due to the shortage/salary issue). Sometimes I get frustrated as it's a stressful job but it's also enormously satisfying. I truly feel for me it's my calling, but not everyone in this profession feels that way. If you ever do think seriously about it, I'm happy to answer any questions you have. I'd bet you'd be really good at it.
    Me (39) DH (46) & furbabies * m/c 7/08 4/12 11/12

  15. #14145

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    Thanks for the words of support, everyone. It is stressful, but I am doing alright so far with keeping some distance from the situation. DH confided in his buddy about it, and his friend reminded him that what mattered most was our "core unit" - us and Bodhi. And we're still intact, although we are bracing for some big changes again and it's sad to watch my sister take this turn.

    We're still getting strange e-mails from her, cajoling us not to move out, among other whackadoodle things. They take the tone of: "Aw, c'mon, guys. We all said a lot of things we didn't mean that night..." and not one of them mention her cheating.

    Molly, thank you very much for the vm. I'll hopefully catch you over the next couple days. To answer your question, I might let this current gig go. I didn't really want a project management job anyway, and would like to get back to pure analysis. I feel much more vested (and confident) in what I do when it's the latter.

    Lydia, we don't want to leave the area either. There's better support for parents where we live now than there was down South. However, we are talking about Marin & Pacifica to get a little closer to the water. Besides our vacations, we've only been surfing twice since we moved.

    Quote Originally Posted by missychrissy View Post
    Some personality disorders and mental illnesses cause people to be promiscuous. I know it can be a symptom of bipolar disorder and when my mother was cycling through that she had episodes of it. Sadly, most of her cohorts were sheriff deputies. She would call them in crisis and they (some) would come over to 'console' her during their lunch breaks. I have vivid memories of it, and it took a lot for me to outgrow my distrust and hatred of police. Even as a child I knew she couldn't help it. Between my father and the therapists, I always knew my mom sometimes couldn't help herself so I didn't get angry at her....but man, did I hate those who were supposed to serve and protect for taking advantage of her. There were 3 or 4 of them that I can remember.
    That is sad about your mom, but good for you for "resenting the illness and not the person." I have my share of hard-to-love people in my family who can't help themselves, and admit I still find it hard to not get mad. My sister got one bipolar diagnosis, and she's had other shrinks call it something else. Like you and the cops, I'm super grossed out by the guy she's cheating with. He's got 2 young kids and I like his wife a lot when I see her.

    Gwenn - change of scenery + good job opportunities. It sounds like it could be a real win-win for you.
    Let us know your next steps if you decide anything.

    We made it to Honolulu so far. The 5 hr flight went ok. I gave away earplugs to my neighbors to create a buffer of good will around us on the plane.

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    Quote Originally Posted by demigraf View Post
    We made it to Honolulu so far. The 5 hr flight went ok. I gave away earplugs to my neighbors to create a buffer of good will around us on the plane.
    Clever!!

    I do sometimes get furious with my mom. It's extremely difficult and let's face it, we're human. At least for me, emotions can override my brain any day of the week!!

    Mama to Bobbie 20 ~ Jesi 18 ~ Syd 14 ~ Conner 6
    I'm gonna be a Gramama! Jesi is due 11/22/13


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    My brother is a mess. His boyfriend of over 2 years broke up with him after a fight they had. He hasn't returned his calls, texts, emails for 10 days now. A few days ago I told my brother to stop trying to contact him. I know how hard it is but he was just making it worse. I firmly but kindly told him that the ball is out of his court and he needs take a few steps back. He's crying all the time and totally broken hearted. I hate it.
    I just got a text message from him that someone told him they saw his ex out with another guy last night. He's freaking out. He wants me to message his bf and ask him why he won't just talk to my brother. Honestly, I'd do just about anything for my brother but I don't think my doing this will help and I'm afraid it would make things worse. I'm just stalling until I think about how to respond without hurting him.

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    I'm sorta going through something like that right now with my cousin and her husband. About 10 or 11 days ago she up and left her husband of 13 years for an ex-bf of her youth. Her husband calls every evening and I talk to him. He's so brokenhearted and I feel terribly but there's not much I or anyone can do. Rich is getting irritated that I talk to him, but really...what does he expect me to do? I'm not going to ignore him.

    Mama to Bobbie 20 ~ Jesi 18 ~ Syd 14 ~ Conner 6
    I'm gonna be a Gramama! Jesi is due 11/22/13


  19. #14149

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    Myles, what kind of analysis work?

    Bridget that's so hard/sad... Gah what do you say to him? He needs to stop obsessing, but that sounds harsh.

    So, I talked with my mw office this week and my mom and dh and realized there are things about my birth I didn't even SEE. One of the nurses commented (she wasn't there) that I was a champ, sounded like a great birth, and that the mw commented that it looked like a crime scene. I gave birth standing up. My water broke with one contraction and in the next two (less than five minutes total) I pushed out Gus. I guess the sheer volume of fluid and blood hitting the floor (they had pads and towels down) sprayed blood halfway up the wall on a couple of sides. All in our tastefully remodeled addition.

    Why am I so amused and even sorta proud of that?



  20. #14150

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    I confess: I wonder if I am being judgemental by being upset about pics of my newest little nephew, who is 4 months old, getting his ears pierced at the mall. Both ears. I wonder what is the purpose of that but feel that it may just be me being judgemental. Also you can tell by the pics that he is screaming his little head off and his mom and her sister are both smiling and looking all happy and I kept thinking "why in the hell are they happy to be torturing that baby for no reason." I wanted to type it in the comments but felt it better to come here and confess my judgemental-ness.

    Erin

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    Erin - I would probably have a hard time being non-judgmental about that one too...

    and with a baby that young it is hard (sometimes) to tell their gender, so piercing both ears at that age is going to do nothing to help in that area..

    I am waiting until my girls ASK to get their ears pierced... though I do sometimes get a wild hair up my arse to go and do it, but never follow through. It is one of the FEW things B and I ever agreed on parenting wise

  22. #14152
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    I'm not going to say whether you are being judgmental or not. I'll just say that I wouldn't pierce any baby's ears, boy or girl. The rule in my house growing up was that we could have our ears pierced when we were old enough to want it and responsible enough to take care of it (keeping it clean, etc. through the healing process without needing to be reminded). I think that's a pretty good rule and I'll probably go with it in my own home.
    Me (39) DH (46) & furbabies * m/c 7/08 4/12 11/12

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    Quote Originally Posted by Ky'sMom View Post
    I confess: I wonder if I am being judgemental by being upset about pics of my newest little nephew, who is 4 months old, getting his ears pierced at the mall. Both ears. I wonder what is the purpose of that but feel that it may just be me being judgemental. Also you can tell by the pics that he is screaming his little head off and his mom and her sister are both smiling and looking all happy and I kept thinking "why in the hell are they happy to be torturing that baby for no reason." I wanted to type it in the comments but felt it better to come here and confess my judgemental-ness.

    Erin
    Maybe judgmental but I've always found piercing babies' ears tacky!


    Stash, I didn't realize how messy things would be giving birth and this last time, they had a huge bag at the end of the bed when I was giving birth and it fell off and my DH was like, "there was blood and stuff EVERYWHERE!" LOL

  24. #14154

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    So yeah you're being judgemental. And that's okay. Piercing a baby's ears is selfish and silly.



  25. #14155

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    OMG Stash. That's quite the visual! Dbf is more worried about the mess than anything else. He keeps encouraging water birth and I know that is the only reason. Savana got really upset with him when we were watching The Business of Being of Being Born and he said, "Ewww" or something like that. She said it wasn't gross at all and he wasn't being nice. She's the best.
    Erin, it would be hard for me not to judge as well. I don't have a rule about a certain age for ears to be pierced. Savana has mentioned it a few times and I tell her it's up to her. I tell her it hurts when they do it, but just for a few seconds. She always ends up saying she'll wait. If she wants them done before she can fully care for it herself, I'm fine with helping her. Same for Kai of course.
    Last edited by Bridget; 10-10-2010 at 04:50 AM.

  26. #14156

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    I confess that one of the little girls I take care of tries to get all of the kids to pray when they are play eating in the little house area. I try to stay out of it and let them work it out, only reminding them that everyone does thing their own way. The cutest thing happened on friday. I'll start by noting that we do yoga once a week for circle time. So this little girl has two other kids around the table and is telling them it's time to pray and she folds her hands so they both fold their hands and the two kids say, "Namaste"
    The little girl says, "NO! Say thank you Jesus!"
    And they both say, little hands folded, "Namaste"
    She starts yelling, "Say THANK YOU JESUS!"
    Again, "Namaste". And then I stepped in, because she is clearly getting mad, and told her that she could say thank you Jesus and they could say Namaste because everybody does thing their own way. She was not thrilled but the whole thing was very humorous. I'm going to have to try that the next time I find myself in the position they were in!
    Last edited by Bridget; 10-10-2010 at 05:42 AM.

  27. #14157

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    LOL, too cute Bridget.
    I agree with the little boy getting both ears pierced. I can guarantee now everyone will think he's a girl.

  28. #14158

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    Bridget, the mw seriously cleaned it all up before I even noticed it. And I thought beforehand that I might.want to give birth in the tub, but I only spent the first hour of four in there. I got completely fixated on leaning on a dresser in our office living space and you couldn't have moved me from there with a crane.



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    Erin, I would have been judgmental too. None of my kids got their ears pierced till they were older.

    Mama to Bobbie 20 ~ Jesi 18 ~ Syd 14 ~ Conner 6
    I'm gonna be a Gramama! Jesi is due 11/22/13


  30. Default

    SLDFKG;HS;DKFLJNASLDIB=aq

    I confess.. I should NOT wander.

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