Secular Confessions

[missychrissy]

The only thing, really, that dbf does is pay the mortgage and provides for us pretty well in general. As far as doing thoughtful things...never really.
Funny story. I've been really bugging him to get an enclosed area in the back yard to keep the dog because as it it now we let him out the front where the kids play. He's not ever out there while I'm out with daycare kids but the point is he poops out there. And fall is coming so leaves are around and even though I clean up the dog poop every single day, I seem to miss a random turd and then one of the kids steps in it and it's nasty. So I've been biatching about that big time. Yesterday we go out, and as always I ask the kids to wait while I do a dog poop search. I'm standing in the yard with a rubber glove and plastic bag when dbf comes out and says, "Oh, I was just coming out to clean up the dog poop. Didn't even know you guys were out here." (Because me and 5 kids went outside totally quietly, right?) So he stands there, watches me pick up the poop and then says, "Do I even get a thank you for being nice enough to come out to help you out?"

"Thank you for watching me clean up the dog poop."
He didn't really talk to me for the rest of the day. Because that was so mean that I said that. This is my life folks.

The thought would have crossed my mind to rub his face in the dog sh!t. I wouldn't have done it, but I definitely would have thought it.

Rich & I had another discussion tonight. I explained my concerns and at the end of it all he said, "well maybe we should just get divorced then." He didn't say it like he was angry. It makes me wonder...is he not happy either and just staying with me because 'it's the right thing to do'? Like I said before, I have no doubt he loves me very much, and I do love him and probably always will. But that doesn't mean we should be married.

[Cosmosmom]

I'm about to have some wine myself AFTER I get off here. I got into some trouble a while back about drunk APAing. LOL

One question though....how is it that those of you all who have DH issues still DTD (and some I would consider A LOT) and some even end up pg?

I like mine a lot (but it's not the romance running in slow motion butterflies it was 10 years ago) the vast majority of the time, we are pretty happy together and have learned to enjoy many of the same things and being together....yeah we are LUCKY to see 3 times in one month. 1-2 would be more average. I know for a fact timing has been an issue in the past for at least some months over the past 3 years....but we have had a number of months that were great timing back when I was charting and doing opks.
I do know part of the problem is we work different shifts so most days only have 1.5-2 hours together and usually that is for dinner. We rarely sleep at the same time in the same room.

[maggie]

Hey Maggie!

I'm so glad you posted a new grown-up siggie picture! I was going to tell you the last time you checked in, but I didn't know when you'd be back! I think she's grown up almost a year since the last time I saw her! Not a toddler anymore!

Okay, I'm backing slowly away from the exclamation points. It's good to see you.

!!!!

I know, she is so big and hilarious these days. I tried to post a different picture, actually, but I couldn't resize it. I got dumb, I guess. technology=bad.

Alright, two posts & two glasses of wine means time for bed for me. !!

[The10Eels]

I confess.............. I'M TIRED!

We attempted a sleepover for the girls again last night, and this time it went off without a hitch! (unless you count Audrianna not getting under the covers, soaking through her diaper, then waking up crying because she was so cold, and soaking wet....)

Then I had to work this afternoon until close, and get to go in at 645 am to open..................... ugh



I confess someone stole the ONE tomato that our plant produced this year.... It just ripened enough to pick yesterday/today.. My mom went to pick it to have with dinner, and it was gone...

[Gwenn]

Maggie, it's great to see you posting. You should try it sometime sober! (Not saying you're posting inappropriately, just saying we miss you here and would love to hear from you more often).

Ashley, that sucks about stealing your tomato. How sad.

ITA about cleaning up after DH's messes. They are always so much worse than my messes I just don't even want to think about them. Why is it men are incapable of cleaning as they cook? I just really don't understand that one.

It's my bedtime now. I can only hope to have visions of emus dancing through my own head. Far better than some alternatives I can think of!

[MammaMia]

Hey guys!

Maggie!!!

I'm back but probably won't be around too much. I have too much school work to do.

[stash]

Oh heck, Lydia, I don't think I could possibly take you the wrong way.

I'm astonished that I'm close to the end here. I am so ready. So many women friends talk about mourning their last pregnancies and maybe maybe I'll do that layer but honestly I don't think so. I'm done. I've experienced this quite enough, thanks.

Up taking a bath at four am because Oscar had an allergic reaction to pineapple last night and slept in my bed. Mostly ON me all night and about half hour ago I gave up trying to pry him off me so I could sleep...

[Bridget]

Ash, are you sure an animal didn't steal the tomato?
Chrissy, I'm so sorry. Were you surprised when Rich said that? Now what?
Maggie, I love it when you come on here!
Stacy, what kind of reaction did O have? I'm so excited you're so close to the end too!

And Jennifer, I can only assume you're talking about me when you wonder how the women with dh problems end up pregnant since, well, that's me. Though it seems like it, we aren't fighting every second of every day. And I like having sex. He's here. We're pretty good at that part. It's not the first time I've had sex with someone I wasn't totally in love with. So that's that.

[daylilies]

I just wanted to say I'm glad I'm not the only one guilty of drunk APAing

[midgeend]

And Jennifer, I can only assume you're talking about me when you wonder how the women with dh problems end up pregnant since, well, that's me. Though it seems like it, we aren't fighting every second of every day. And I like having sex. He's here. We're pretty good at that part. It's not the first time I've had sex with someone I wasn't totally in love with. So that's that.

I just wanted to say too, that a lot of times in relationships that are rocky...the sex is one part of it that works, and works well. I know that when DH and I fight, nothing helps to put the pieces back together better than some intimacy.

Chrissy - so what now? Do you think you two might seek out some counseling?

Stash - I'm sorry you were up in the middle of the night. The super late night/early morning insomnia is part of what will keep me from having another baby.



I too am guilty of having a glass or two of wine some nights, and then I'm always really tempted to post...and I totally erase everything most of the time It's never a good idea to D&P for me.

[AmeriBrit]

Yeah, I've only 'ad 'alf a glass of wine, and look at the mess I'm in!

LOL...this post reminds me of how my MIL texts me...she is English, though, and a lot of them do drop their H's....and R's...but that's another story...lol

Speaking of accents, I get a kick out of how my son talks...he's so Yorkshire and not much Southern at all...today he was shouting, "I'm ova ee-uh..." LOL...but he does drop the "g" off the end of "ing" verbs so I know that bit is me....any how!

Maggie, glad to see you post...we miss your wisdom around here!

Stash, I know what you mean about being done with pregnancy...I'm finished birthing kids and I'm glad of it!

Chrissy, sorry your Rich is being a ding bat. Do you 2 ever get some time alone without the kids? Maybe a date night is in order? I dunno..I'm no good with relationship issues.

[Cosmosmom]

Bridget you weren't the only one I was thinking about...I have seen that happen before.
Or even on TV or whatever you see a couple fighting and than suddenly they are going at it. I just don't quite get that...when we are fighting that is the last thing I want and it takes a while for that to go away.
And when we aren't fighting and having a great time with each other, more often than not instead of hey lets go fool around, it's more like hey lets order a pizza and watch (young and the restless, star trek, dexter, battlestar gallactica, six feet under...whatever it is we are watching).

This whole working different shifts is hard. I'm up for the day and he's in bed since he got home from work at 7:30 and on top of it this is a mandatory work weekend...every 4th weekend he does 12 days straight.

And I sort of think that if I don't do anything, I know I can't get my hopes up every month. If we do and it's looking decently timed, I get my hopes up even though I try not to....we are unexplained infertility....

[stash]

Bridget, sore itchy throat, and SNOT. I'd have thought it was just a cold, but he's had a topical rash from pineapple in past. I forgot and put some in carrot cake yesterday. Bad mama.

And Jennifer, honestly, I have a great relationship with my husband, but even when we're fighting we have sex... more often than you mention with your dh. I think you'd find that that statistically, 1-2 times a week is closer to average, which is really plenty of sex to get pg even if you're not actively ttc.

Gah my issue right now is that because of my gbs I can't have sex, and we both want to. The alternatives are boring after a week or two. :p

[3andMe]

Rich & I had another discussion tonight. I explained my concerns and at the end of it all he said, "well maybe we should just get divorced then." He didn't say it like he was angry. It makes me wonder...is he not happy either and just staying with me because 'it's the right thing to do'? Like I said before, I have no doubt he loves me very much, and I do love him and probably always will. But that doesn't mean we should be married.

I think you should definitely ask him, and talk about it and figure out where he's coming from. When my first husband started quietly talking about divorce after we realized we were probably not going to get back to agreeing on whether or not to have children, I just went along with it. It wasn't until a couple of years later that I found out he was trying to discuss worst-case scenarios with me instead of coming up with a plan. He was scared of a divorce, not wanting one. Obviously there were communication issues.

Every once in a while dh and I go through these painful periods where we take everything the wrong way. You know, like how you can meet someone who can make a sexual innuendo out of anything? Well, couples can go through periods where every piece of communication is an insult or a slight or a sign that they're not responsible enough or aren't doing something right. You can read everything the wrong way, if you try hard enough, even a simple "Hi, how are you?" The book I was reading discusses this, that couples who are having difficulties don't see the friendly or peace-keeping overtures the other one makes. When observed by the researchers, the couples missed most of them or took them the wrong way.

I hate it when dh and I get like that. We've gotten better and better at recognizing it and dealing with it sooner as the years have gone by, and he's gotten better and better at listening to me when I tell him I only mean the best for him and he should always try to err on the side of assuming the good vs. bad explanation for whatever he's trying to take the wrong way. I'm always kind of oblivious about subtext so I'm usually not making assumptions in the first place.

One question though....how is it that those of you all who have DH issues still DTD (and some I would consider A LOT) and some even end up pg?

The most sex I've ever had has been in troubled relationships. For me, it was the main or only way we connected. At least we had that in common. My ex-fiance and I (thank goodness for the ex) DTD probably 300x more often than with my dh. It was the only part of our relationship that worked, and it blinded me to the rest of it. Not saying that's what's going on with everything else, but sex is only a minor part of a relationship. Sure, sexual problems can manifest if you have relationship problems. But sexual compatibility can keep a relationship together through a lot of problems.

[3andMe]

Edited because I wasn't just talking about me. I'll save this one little thing, though:

However, once you get out of the habit of DTD, it's hard to get back into it. It feels all awkward and weird.

[daylilies]

DH and I still have sex even though I barely enjoy it anymore. We'd have even more problems if I didn't put out once a week or so. I think I could really live the rest of my life without having sex with DH again but we could be in the middle of a divorce and DH would still want to have sex with me. It's not about him wanting me, it's about him needing sex. (at least that's what I think)
On an interesting side note, I had another dream about being intimate with another man whose identity I don't remember. (I had a very similar dream a couple weeks ago). And I was turned on.

[missychrissy]

It's totally normal to have those kinds of dreams. Even when everything was going well, I had a weird sexual dream about the bus driver. It was hot, but when I woke up I was like 'wtf?' I don't find him attractive or anything.

Jennifer, I do like my husband and he has many great qualities. I don't talk about them much, because...well, I guess I talk about the negative more. When I'm working at the counter, he'll often come up behind me and hug me, maybe whisper in my neck. He's always telling me I'm beautiful-like at least 1x a day. If we have an argument, or a discussion like last night, when it's all done and over with he'll just stand there holding me and tells me he loves me. Plus, well...it is something that works very well for us. It doesn't matter how mad I am or even if I have a headache, he makes sure I always enjoy myself. It's very hard to say 'no' to the offer, even if I'm still a bit miffed at him.

[Gwenn]

DH and I are also part of the infrequent sex club, and it's something I'm also very uncomfortable talking about. For a while before we started TTC it was about once a year, literally. When we decided to TTC it obviously increased but not as much as I would have liked, more like 1-2x per month and we would have arguments because he would want to know exactly when I was fertile but he was always frustrated when I tried to explain how temping and OPKs work. It's one of the reasons I gave up temping and charting as too stressful. He always enjoys it when we do have sex, and so do I, but he was also about 40-45 lbs overweight for a while so I suspect something similar to Lydia's situation was happening here, and also when he was drinking he had no interest. We've never had drunk sex because when he drinks (or drank, as I believe that is in the past), he drinks to excess and then he can't.

On the visits I had with DH while he was in Florida training, we averaged 2-3 times per weekend and we have never had sex that often, even when we were first together. It was like a second honeymoon. For one thing he is much healthier as he's lost a lot of weight and is working out daily, but aside from that I asked him what happened and why we let sex get away from us and he thinks it was mostly habit. We both want to make sure we keep up the increased frequency when he gets home.

Wow ... there's a confession for you. I really don't talk about that.

And Chrissy, sorry I missed responding before. for your issues with Rich and I really hope you can work things out. Even when things with DH and I have been at their roughest, he has always been my best friend and I just never would want to be without him. It sounds like you and Rich are friends like that as well and I hope you can find a way to make things work for the best for all of you.

ETA: Jennifer, the month I got pregnant with the little bean I m/c, it was just a matter of timing as well. It was the only time we DTD that month, and it was so late in the month I never even expected I was fertile. Go figure, that was the only time I have ever conceived that I know about for sure.

[3andMe]

I just read an interesting article about sexless marriages from Elle magazine. They are not uncommon, but they are not talked about.

[AmeriBrit]

My DH and I have only ever been with each other; when we got together and started getting jiggy with it, I thought to myself, "dammit, I can't believe I've denied myself this pleasure for so long!" If I'd known sex was as good as it is at an earlier age, I would have been a teenage ho for sure! I do think that I must have been a teenage boy in a previous life since my sex drive and humor seems to match that kind of profile!

[stash]

Honestly, I can't see NEVER having sex and having it be healthy. It can't be the focus of your relationship, bit without it, or some semblance of it, you become roommates.

Oh, and I was that teenage ho.

[daylilies]

I was a ho for a year in college, but the funny thing is I never got off from sex until I met DH the year after that. I just did it for the attention. A lot of wonky stuff was going on with me my first year of college and I guess I slept around so I'd feel like some positive attention was being paid to me.

[stash]

Yep, I had a crap home life in high school and made up for it looking for love in all the wrong places. It extended into my midtwenties.

I still look back on that time with fondness and amusement, though.:p

[Bridget]

I was pretty much a ho through my twenties.



It was fun.

[missychrissy]

If I were single, I'd probably be a ho.

[missychrissy]

On a serious note, I did try to bring up the divorce topic today and Rich just shut down. He says he doesn't want one. What I see happening is us riding out our current lease and me looking for houses on my own at that point.

[daylilies]

How long is your lease?

[stash]

If he doesn't want one, he needs to stop childishly threatening.

[missychrissy]

How long is your lease?

Till August '11. I already plan on looking for a place in March or so. I figure if I find somewhere before August, I'll ask them to let me out, but if they don't I'll just pay the rent for a few months.

If he doesn't want one, he needs to stop childishly threatening.

He didn't. It's hard to explain, but I he said it after I listed my litany of things that make me think about divorce, and he said kinda sadly "I guess we should get a divorce then." It's like he said that because he thought that's what I wanted to hear. I was the one that brought it up...he never has.

Who knows, maybe that is what I wanted to hear, because it didn't upset me.

[stash]

Ah, okay. Honestly Chrissy, it sounds like you're at the end of your rope and have been for a while. The sense of resignation and complacency when you talk about it is what clues me in. If there was still something left to work on, you'd have some passion about it... angry, sad, annoyed, something.