I don't think I've ever shared a pic of Nero before. Here's the patient:
I don't think I've ever shared a pic of Nero before. Here's the patient:
Me (38) DH (45) & furbabies * m/c 7/08 4/12 11/12
Cuuuute Nero. Is one doggy dominant over the other? Our smaller 55 lb dog is the alpha between the two of ours, but every once in awhile, the bigger one tries to "promote" himself in the ranks by challenging her for her bed, walking in front of her, etc. Then sometimes it becomes a scary brawl, with lots of fang faces and going for necks and such. It's sad when it's your critters that are trying to hurt each other. I hope they worked out whatever they needed to.
I confess I'm thinking of flying to DC for the Jon Stewart/Stephen Colbert rally on Oct 30. I could take a red-eye, go to the rally, get a hotel one night, then take an early flight and be back in SF by 10am Halloween. The ticket is super-cheap on Virgin America right now ($260 out the door) and DH and I made a deal that I'd get a weekend off about 6 months ago. He's off backpacking Yosemite right now, so even more reason for it to be my turn. He's made comments about how it's an extravagance, and for what, but DH doesn't get as disturbed by the news like I do. I think this rally could really be kind of a therapeutic laugh for me. Plus, I love having time to kill in airports and trains. I get to read and zone out. My only concern is that I'll be exhausted, but thankfully motherhood might have been just the thing to train me for a sleepless marathon like this one.
I confess that dbf and I had a knock down drag out fight (just with words) last night after the kids went to bed. It sucked.
I agree Nero is adorable. I wish I had insight, but I'm really clueless about dog behavior and what triggers them. Maybe she is trying to be the alpha female. ?
It was about him laying around all weekend. He worked nights all last week so basically he was leaving just as we were coming upstairs from daycare. He didn't see me or the kids all week. But he slept all day Saturday while I took the kids to the farm and then yesterday he just sat in his reclinder ALL DAY. The worst of it was whenever the kids tried to interact with him he was just a grumpy arse. I cook my meals for the week on Sunday so I did that, did about 5-6 loads of laundry, cleaned the entire house, and kept the kids engaged. I was pissed. More pissed about him not just smothering the kids with attention after not seeing them all week. He's working full time hours for the first time since I've known him and every day he acts like he was beat by a 2x4. (He's always pulled his weight financially in spite of the lack of hours put it in) He's doing a remodel on the school my brother works at. It's hard for me to feel sympathy for him acting like a jerk because he's "tired". I've been tired for four years now.
He says it's my fault he's grumpy because I give him dirty looks AND I basically suck because I don't let him parent his way. Well his way sucks. I'm sorry but I'm not going to let anyone, even their daddy, especially their daddy, treat them subpar.
Ugh, I just don't even like him sometimes. After that argument I just feel nothing but complete disdain.
Last edited by Bridget; 09-20-2010 at 06:09 AM.
I don't know what makes me more angry...his attitude toward his kids, his idea that because he worked all week he deserves an entire weekend off (without any thought to how much work you do 7 days a week), or the fact that he tries to blame you for his sucky attitude.
We kinda had a similar thing going on at our house during Jess's party. The teens were really good with Conner, but when it came time to eat...well, they were teens. They were all lined up with their plates, waiting for their food. Conner was full of excitement and running amok. I called for Rich twice and sent Sydney to tell him I needed him. He wouldn't come. Conner ended up throwing chocolate ice cream at a girl and all over my love seat while I was busying cutting the cake and doling out the ice cream.
I went to the door and saw Rich sitting in a lawn chair bs'ing with his stepfather. I'm afraid I shrieked at him. I was so pissed, not only because he was ignoring me and my pleas for help, but because this is an issue for us at every bday party and get together I have. I understand he's not social and doesn't like the big parties, but he has 4 kids. They're going to have parties. He needs to be an active participant. He could have at least taken Conner outside with him.
Wow, busy weekend here!
Bridget, saw that picture on FB. OMG. LOL The idea of all that mud is so foreign to me. I don't like getting my hands dirty (though I will try to do a garden next summer but I will have to wear gloves). When I was Savana's age, I used to bring a wash cloth outside in case my hands got dirty. (and no I don't have OCD about being clean LOL)
Gwen, wow about the whole situation. It's almost like something out of one of my soaps.
I'm so sorry about Nero! What breeds are Gwen and Nero? I have to admit that is on of my worries about adding a new dog to the family....I think that I would freak if another dog hurt my Cosmo. I wish I knew if she would be happier having a little friend or if she would be happiest just being with daddy and I.
I wish it was the weekend again already...they go by too fast. We got to watch Bill Maher again on Friday, Saturday we went to Minneapolis and did some shopping at Ikea and than visited our friends for a bit. Ikea we got a bookshelf, nightstand and a chair. Visiting the friends was nice and while she is six months pg, she isn't showing a ton yet so it wasn't as hard as I thought it was going to be. Yesterday it was nice...wasn't hardly online at at as we were putting things together, had Olive Garden for lunch, watched the Packer game and just spent time together.
Oh and found out that since I started WW, I'm down 2.5 lbs. Not a lot but I usually don't lose easily and I haven't been following the program 100% every day and am still slowly working on getting exercise in more.
I confess...I don't get these men that don't help at all. My dad is lazy...it's his side of the family they all have a lazy gene or something. I get that, I have some of it myself and have to fight against it. So he's not one to do stuff around the house without being told or yelled at....like cleaning things. Birthdays would have been mostly mom doing the social things. But he would have been willing to go pick up the cake or pizzas at least. And he was the one standing there behind the camera filming things.
My DH, well can't say how he would do a kid or stuff involving kids. (though I did make a deal with him that if he did dog litter, I would change diapers most of the time...he would just have to do it if I wasn't home....since haven't had kids, looking like I made a good deal!) But he was raised by his mom and is a bit of a neat freak. He CARES a lot about the house....in fact we had a huge blow out fight last weekend (my birthday weekend) because of where to put a painting we bought. Nevermind the fact that we can't decide for sure until we get the bookcase together and see which wall it goes on. Basically I don't do any decorating unless we do it together. I don't buy anything unless we know where it is going to go.
The upside to that is while we often do the cleaning together (only fair since we both work full-time and neither of us is in school right now)....there are times I come home and find he did the bathrooms, vaccuumed and dusted while I was at work. Kitchen is my area and laundry is mine though he does help fold his own clothes.
Yeah my mom did warn me that DH's need to be "trained" and not to do everything for him in the beginning or I would be doing it forever. His mom told me the same thing....she started out with her second Dh and would butter his soup crackers trying to be cute and nice....and it quickly became expected that she would butter that a-holes freaking crackers.
I did have a bit of laundry trouble with him in the beginning. He said he had a laundry fairy growing up...he put things into a magic hole in the floor and a few days later they appeared in his room clean and folded and ironed if needed.
Sorry but we don't have a magic laundry fairy at our house. (he lived at home with his mom until he was 26 and we got married) I don't mind do the washing, drying (I hardly ever iron or buy anything that needs ironing) but I for the most part don't fold and put away his things. Towels I do because I like them folded a certain way.
Rich is excellent about housecleaning, cooking dinner, and even being proactive about our kids. He's a little strict (it's the republican in him) and he'll often say 'no' to silly things, but for the most part he's a really great father. The only area where he really fails me is during the parties. I know it's because he's antisocial and having a bunch of people over isn't his cup of tea, but imo that's what he signed up for when we had kids. I wish he'd just do what he's supposed to so I don't have to jump on him when people are over. They probably think we fight on a daily basis, which for the most part isn't the case at all.
I told him that I could let the pure laziness totally slide if he would just show the kids some love and attention. Savana asked him to play this little checker game with her. Well he wouldn't get off his arse and move to the table so it was on the ottoman next to his chair. Soft surface. Tiny checkerboard. Everytime Savana leaned on it, everything spilled. All he did was biatch at her. It was hurting me to watch it. Finally she said, "I guess I really don't want to play this game." I told him he's damaging her self esteem when he does that. Both kids just clamor for his attention and approval. I HATE it. I hate seeing them act desperate for it. And he's so critical based on his own needs that they can hardly ever win.
And the thing about me not letting him parent. He sits there and they're fighting and he yells at them three or four times to stop. Then he finally gets up and takes whatever they're doing and puts it up. They both start screaming and crying. They'd been playing with it for 30 minutes just fine and hit a bump in the road. He doesn't take the time to try to help them work out a compromise because, "They shouldn't be fighting. They need to listen."
So yeah, I step in. I give it back. And I know that's a huge no no in parenting but What he's doing is not kind and it's not fair.
He said he doesn't play with them when he's tired because he's so grouchy he knows he won't be nice. F that. Suck it up and be nice. You're their dad. It's your job to be nice to them even when you're tired.
Sorry this got long. I really hate him right now.
He deserves your hatred right now, imo. I'm sorry if that doesn't help. I'm just at a loss as to what to say that could really help. I've also contradicted Rich in front of the kids over things like that as well. Like you, I hate it but when they're so far over the line I think it's worse to not back the kids up. They need to know they have 1 stable, consistent parent at least.
So back when he was doing that party hosting thing in Hawaii he was NEVER tired or grouchy? I mean part of life is faking it when you need to. I don't always feel like being at work and I'm tired today only sleeping about four hours last night. I would NEVER let on at work though and smile and act nice with my co-workers and especially the patients no matter what.
So maybe I started a bad pattern then, I don't know. It's just stupid now. I work more than full time. Sometimes I feel like he thinks I owe him the world on a silver platter because he moved us over here and bought this house so I could be close to my family even though he did not want to leave Hawaii. But I would have never stayed there. I would have left him. I would have come here alone. Well, I did come alone and he was supposed to follow but he stayed and partied and cheated for awhile before he got here. It's hard to look back at those forks in the road and wonder how different my life would be if I'd taken a different way.
Bridget, your fight with DBF sounds so much like a conversation I had with my friend last week. They live on Maui with 2 sons and her DH works at one of those downhill sunrise volcano bike tour companies. Basically, he works from 3am to 11am and sleeps through the day on most days. He was so wiped out that he slept through his kid's entire 3rd birthday. She knows it's hard for him because that's the only work available to him right now, but instead of being sorry about not being there for everything, he gives her attitude about how much he's doing for the family, as though she isn't busting her butt working at a grocery store and going to school part-time. Maybe women have a gene that tells us we just can't check out from our parenting duties EVER, while men find it easier to just shut themselves off from their kids. Maybe it's a throwback to our hunting/gathering days where the men went off for days at a time in search of food, and they had to develop an on/off switch for their paternal instincts. Or maybe some men are just d-bags.
I never told anyone about this, but my DH was pretty uninvolved in prepping for the arrival of our kid. He planned just one week off after the baby arrived, and he had looked at it as more of a vacation from work and an opportunity to work on building a hydrogen fuel cell for his truck (don't ask). So when the baby came, he a) didn't stay with me the first night in the hospital because he said the hospital pull-out bed was "too uncomfortable" for him, and he was wiped from MY night in labor. And b) he was grumpy at me all week from being torn away from his precious fuel cell to help me learn to breastfeed and change diapers and in general start being a father.
So... you guys gave me the encouragement I needed to go to D.C. I'm booked! It was kind of stressful watching the plane seats disappear before I could grab the lower airfare, and then later seeing hotel prices shoot up while I was reading reviews about all the different hotels. I finally got a decent flight (that changes planes once in each direction) for $255 that goes to the more in-town airport (DCA), and then talked myself up from my price range for a hotel. I wanted a hotel within a mile from the Lincoln Monument, but every time I'd decide to book one, Orbitz would tell me the "changes in availability" caused the price to double. So I finally found a place in Georgetown that's about 1.1 miles away, I'd feel safe walking around to-and-from at night and it ended up being an extra $50 above what I'd budgeted, instead of an extra $100. I'm getting excited, and a little nervous now. I don't know why. I hope they don't cancel the rally. LOL.
I confess I hope the fact that D.C. seemed to be selling out before my eyes means that the rally will be HUGE.
I don't know if this is fair, Bridget, but ever since you mentioned your dbf is 45, I've lost a lot of hope for him. Honestly at that age I don't think there is much you can teach him that will sink in. the old "old dog new tricks' saying, you know.
I'm really pissed off today because I gained back a good bit of weight that I've lost so far. I almost cried in front of my personal trainer when I stepped on the scale. Back to the drawing board.
It just seems like food has one thing or another in it. I'm not supposed to eat too many carbs, but it seems like a lot of low carb foods have high fat, high sodium or no flavor LOL. I mean, I can eat fish all day but that gets expensive (even though we're like 5 minutes away from where they catch the fish) I don't like protein shakes or bars and I'm not a big fan of meal replacement anyway because it doesn't teach you the right way to eat real food. I'm so frustrated.
Bridget, I'm so sorry about your DH. I wish I knew what to tell you, but I kind of agree with Kate that at 45, he's not all that likely to suddenly change his ways unless something dramatic happens to make him see things differently.
About the breed, Nero is a flat-coated retriever with possibly some spaniel thrown in because he has the most adorable white paw with black spots. We were told Gwennie (actually Guinevere but it's too hard to type and we usually just call her by her nickname) was a mix of Australian Shepherd, Mastiff, St. Bernard, and Rottweiler. We thought we was going to be huge, 100lbs plus, but she ended up 55 lbs - actually the dog in demigraf's picture could be her littermate they look so much alike. Gwennie is brindle like a mastiff, and has a small, narrow head like an Aussie but a much larger and more muscular body in proportion to her head. She's solid muscle and very strong for her size. I don't really see St. Bernard or Rottweiler and wondered if she had a different father, but I did get to see one of her 12 littermates and that dog was exactly the same size and shape but had a black coat with white and yellow markings and fluffy like a St. Bernard. So who knows.
There's really now way to know how Cosmo will react to a puppy brother or sister. Before we got Gwennie, we had a little Chihuahua and Nero was so upset when she passed. She was his doggie mommy and he was so lonely without her. When we got Gwennie he was much happier to have a friend around again, but they do get jealous sometimes. They've always been the best of friends until this happened, though.
I kept them separated all last night and finally let Gwennie inside at about 9:30. Nero caught my eye and just looked at me for 5-10 seconds, as if to say seriously? You're letting her back in after what she did to me? Then she tried to sniff him and he just lay there and didn't interact with her.
Last edited by Gwenn; 09-20-2010 at 07:12 PM.
Me (38) DH (45) & furbabies * m/c 7/08 4/12 11/12
So sorry to hear about your doggies Gwenn. We have 2 pits and I always worry that they will hurt each other. They are DHs dogs really, as I really didn't want another dog but I do love the dogs even though they get on my nerves with all the hair and mess they make. They are really nice doggies. But our younger dog is getting to the age when he is getting aggressive. For some reason DH doesn't want to neuter him because he thinks he can stud him out or something, which he'll probably never do.
And Bridgett I agree your BF is kind of old to change ways. I wonder what the F is wrong with him to not realize at his age that he needs to stop acting like a freaking child. My DH is no saint and he works my nerves like no others but from how you describe your BF he is similar to how my DH was about 4 years ago, DH is about to be 38 and man he has had a complete turnaround from the time when we first got together when he was 27, like COM-PLETE-LY. Even his mom and just random friends of his from years ago notice it. He still tries to pull some of that bull of working a lot so he deserves to sleep but it is really rare and he gets a day to lounge around until 4pm on Saturday and I get Sunday so he is generous now and always does his best not to be to rough and mean with the kids when he interacts with them. He can get a nasty attitude at times but is much better than he used to be.
Last edited by Ky'sMom; 09-20-2010 at 09:12 PM.
Ash, is it because you told your sister what he confided in you? Because I think that's okay, for what it's worth. She's your sister. Perhaps he should have found someone else to confide in.
Also just wanted to throw out there that I have no illusions of dbf making any significant changes. I know eventually we won't be together anymore. It's just a matter of time.
Kai said to me last night that he really wants to be a girl when he grows up. When Savana told him he couldn't his little bottom lip started to quiver and his eyes filled and he said he doesn't want to be a boy anymore. I asked him what it was about being a girl that he liked and he said, "Girls get to wear beautiful shiny earrings and boys don't."
I assured him that he could wear beautiful shiny earrings if he so chooses. I'm going to pick up some sticker ones when I get a chance.
I think a lot of people go through life without really consciously making an effort to see what they could do to try to become better people and partners--like getting feedback from those around them and trying to work on improving what they can, and reevaluating periodically. And it makes me sad to think of it, and how many relationships could be improved if people would make more of an effort on a regular basis. And then I think well, for someone who is essentially sort of egocentric anyway, and selfish, what would motivate them anyway?
I love that muddy picture of Bridget's children. When I was 10 we lived in El Paso next to a cotton field. It was hot and we had no air conditioning. We lived in a 3-room adobe house. When we came home from school, my sister and I would strip off our clothes and slither down the rows of corn that were being irrigated, essentially just slathering ourselves in cool, wet, slippery mud. We'd do that for hours until our parents came home. Then we'd get hosed off before being allowed to come inside for dinner.