Secular Confessions

[AmeriBrit]

to everyone. There seems to be a lot of sadness for various reasons lately. I read each post and it causes a pang in my heart. I wish I could make it better for each of you.

Same here. Sending out some love to everyone who needs it!

I didn't get much sleep last night so I was in a bad mood and shed some tears this morning when Travis got up...today is my first day at home with both boys...my DH is taking the rest of his paternity leave Wed-Fri this week, so it's only today, but man, lack of sleep is hard! I've been ok, though, as I keep telling myself this phase doesn't last that long (if I remember correctly-lol).

[The10Eels]

All you can do is the best you can do with the knowledge you have at the moment.

Thanks mama.. I had knowledge with Charlie, but we were in a tough spot with insurance, etc...

I can't even describe the feeling I had as they were putting me under for my section thinking "I could go to sleep right now, and never wake up... Never meeting this baby that I just carried and loved for 9 months..."

I just don't understand why people would be willing to take those risks without even trying to deliver vaginally...

It just makes me sad. We don't even have big fights like we used to. It's like we don't even have the energy to fight anymore. I still think about leaving, but I just don't know.
Something a member here said stuck with me: "my being unhappy isn't a big enough reason to leave" and I've thought about that. Now that Josh is in the picture there's so much more to think about. If it were just me and DH I'd probably leave. But I'd hate to uproot Josh's life just on the possibility that I might find something better. But I also feel like I'm denying DH's right to be married to someone he connects with and has a partnership with. He says it feels like we're two people leading separate lives who just live together. I just want to cry

I kept trying to type something encouraging from my recent experience, but I just couldn't word it right... I just want to offer and let you know if you need someone to talk to, I'm here.. Just a PM away!

[newmami]

Kate, please remember I am here if you want to talk... what you wrote pretty much describes how I feel about my so called marriage

Sorry to butt in ladies, I love to read in here but I just don't post... I love and respect your points of view, even though I am not atheist nor religious... religion is one of those things that stays out of my life

[stash]

Ah Gwenn, you know there's no shame at all in finding someone professional to talk to, right? It's a simple step, doesn't involve meds, and considering you're feeling very alone right now with DH gone and your parents being weirdos... why would you not? You have a lot going on in your life to have no one to listen and help you think through coping methods.

[stash]

I'm going to sound like a broken record but Kate, you too (with DH). You shouldn't just sit around bearing unhappiness, and I really don't know the background of your relationship, but sometimes, especially after children come, relationships are boring. Dull. Repetitive. It feels like there's no romance and just a lot of routine. It takes a ****load of work to keep out of those doldrums, and no one warns you of that when you're young.

If you're both willing to try, it's worth it.

[stash]

(and psssst Claudia, I always love to see you and you're always respectful... otherwise I only get to see you now when I piss people off in new moms )

[daylilies]

Thanks Claudia, you know I always appreciate your advice.
Thanks Stacy, I know. We've been having the same issues for years. I was one of those people who thought everything would make it better. I thought that us getting married meant a lot. I don't know what I envisioned but it's not what I'm getting. We had problems long before we had Josh. He has held us together but at the same time he has polarized us. But..how unhappy do I have to be to make a life change that will not only affect me but DH and Josh? We have tried and tried to make it work. We try doing things together but nothing is good enough to make us both happy.
We have been to two therapists with the intent of couples therapy and they have both zeroed in on just me, instead.

[stash]

and they have both zeroed in on just me, instead.

And that is not fair. Perhaps you should see someone yourself in ADDITION to couples therapy - not because "you're the problem" but so that you have someone to talk with you is JUST focused on helping you be happy and healthy through this process.

I'm sorry. You deserve a partner who helps you shine.

[intactivstmom]

Thanks mama.. I had knowledge with Charlie, but we were in a tough spot with insurance, etc...

I can't even describe the feeling I had as they were putting me under for my section thinking "I could go to sleep right now, and never wake up... Never meeting this baby that I just carried and loved for 9 months..."

I was put under too, and I really thought Robbie was going to die. He was 29wks, and I was terrified about them cutting him or the anesthesia having a negative effect on him.
I woke up confused, disoriented, and still unable to be really awake because the meds. I kept trying to ask if Robbie was alive and ok, but I couldn't get the words out. I just kept asking if he was born yet.
It was one of the worst, most horrible, experiences ever. Not even the rest of the NICU crap was as bad as Robbie's birth.

Thanks Claudia, you know I always appreciate your advice.
Thanks Stacy, I know. We've been having the same issues for years. I was one of those people who thought everything would make it better. I thought that us getting married meant a lot. I don't know what I envisioned but it's not what I'm getting. We had problems long before we had Josh. He has held us together but at the same time he has polarized us. But..how unhappy do I have to be to make a life change that will not only affect me but DH and Josh? We have tried and tried to make it work. We try doing things together but nothing is good enough to make us both happy.
We have been to two therapists with the intent of couples therapy and they have both zeroed in on just me, instead.

I'm so sorry. As hard as it would be on Josh to have divorced parents, it could be just as hard for him if he realizes some day his parents are not happy and are staying that because him. I don't know if you should get a divorce now or ever, or if you should try more therapy, or what, but I just thought I'd offer another way of looking at things as far as Josh in concerned.

[newmami]

Kate, I agree with Stacy, see a Therapist for YOU and then do the Couples Therapy, that is what we did for a while (until DH decided he didn't wanted to do it anymore)

Thanks Stacy, I do not post a lot, have been quite busy at work, plus I feel like I have no place on APA anymore, considering my kids are older, I am not PG/TTC or anything like that!

[newmami]

Kate, I agree with Stacy, see a Therapist for YOU and then do the Couples Therapy, that is what we did for a while (until DH decided he didn't wanted to do it anymore)

Thanks Stacy, I do not post a lot, have been quite busy at work, plus I feel like I have no place on APA anymore, considering my kids are older, I am not PG/TTC or anything like that!

[daylilies]

I was put under too, and I really thought Robbie was going to die. He was 29wks, and I was terrified about them cutting him or the anesthesia having a negative effect on him.
I woke up confused, disoriented, and still unable to be really awake because the meds. I kept trying to ask if Robbie was alive and ok, but I couldn't get the words out. I just kept asking if he was born yet.
It was one of the worst, most horrible, experiences ever. Not even the rest of the NICU crap was as bad as Robbie's birth.



I'm so sorry. As hard as it would be on Josh to have divorced parents, it could be just as hard for him if he realizes some day his parents are not happy and are staying that because him. I don't know if you should get a divorce now or ever, or if you should try more therapy, or what, but I just thought I'd offer another way of looking at things as far as Josh in concerned.

I was put under too. I always look back and wonder if that was necessary. I was scared and I thought the doctors knew best (which I know now is not always true) so I did what they suggested. (I can see Stacy shaking her head over there LOL)
Anyway, I have tried to move on from that, because while the birth experience is a big event, it's useless to feel defeated because it didn't go as hoped.
I come from divorced parents, although they didn't get divorced until I was 16. I always wonder if they stayed together that long because of me. In fact I'm pretty sure they did. They probably stayed together because I was in and out of the hospital until I was about 12. I'm pretty sure when they felt I was in the clear of that, and a relatively independent person, they went ahead and got divorced. So I know what it's like to blame yourself, and I certainly don't want Josh to feel that way. If we do split up, it was a long time coming. I think we just keep hoping things will get better. And I'm not sure when to give up on that hope.

[stash]

I am SO not shaking my head at you. People erroneously think I pass big judgement all the time. Sure, I'm judgemental, but not in cases like that. It was an emergency. You were scared. I'd probably do the same.

[Bridget]

I think that the realization that doctors don't know everything about health and don't even actually always have our best interests in mind was much like my realization that God isn't real to me.
Seriously though, I blindly followed what doctors told me to do my whole life and looking back it was not in my best interest. With Savana I went in blindly, had the epidural, let them give her formula, let them give her shots, totally trusted that everything they were doing was for the best. It was while I was pregnant with Kai that I started to pay attention more. And it was then that I realized my obgyn was full of **** about a lot of things. Things slowly started to dawn on me and I accepted that certain advice just made no sense at all. Just like the religion I'd been taught me whole life. But even with Kai I was not fully informed. I mean, are you ever, really? I keep learning new things all the time. It gives me anxiety, the more I learn how effed up everything really is.
I always wished I had the chance to do it my way and now I feel like I'm getting that chance.

[stash]

I always wished I had the chance to do it my way and now I feel like I'm getting that chance.

Me too. Dh and I were just talking about this today. Our experience with Jasper totally skewed how we handled Oscar's birth. I don't regret the experience, but I know now that I did what I did (induction) out of fear. We had a well-meaning doctor who gave us stats of complications after 39 weeks that made me feel uncomfortable waiting it out.

I know better now, but I still have such trepidation because of what we're taught by modern medicine. And now, in those last few weeks of crazy what-if stuff that happens in a pregnant brain, I'm freaked by the idea of needing any intervention.

[stash]

And ****head doctor of last week didn't help my mental state much.

[daylilies]

LOL Stacy, I know you're not judgemental, you're just opinionated ;)
I'm so glad you and Bridget are insisting upon the births you really want and I know you guys can do it

[Bridget]

Did anyone see Bill Maher on Leno last night? I never watch night time talk shows but dbf's been working late into the night so I've been enjoying some alone time and just happened to catch it. He's great. I laughed out loud.

[Bridget]

And ****head doctor of last week didn't help my mental state much.

Grrrrr.
I remember when I went in to have Kai and I had to tell them 96786895 times that I didn't want drugs. When the dr came into check me and the nurse told her I wanted to go med free she laughed and said, "We'll see."
That did not do wonders for my confidence.

[missychrissy]

Did anyone see Bill Maher on Leno last night? I never watch night time talk shows but dbf's been working late into the night so I've been enjoying some alone time and just happened to catch it. He's great. I laughed out loud.

I didn't see him on Leno but I Bill Maher.

[Cosmosmom]

Did anyone see Bill Maher on Leno last night? I never watch night time talk shows but dbf's been working late into the night so I've been enjoying some alone time and just happened to catch it. He's great. I laughed out loud.

I didn't see it but I do follow him on FB and cannot wait until his show starts back up again on Friday. DH and I are HUGE fans and even got my dad into it when we saw him two months ago in Waukegan.

[Gwenn]

Ah Gwenn, you know there's no shame at all in finding someone professional to talk to, right? It's a simple step, doesn't involve meds, and considering you're feeling very alone right now with DH gone and your parents being weirdos... why would you not? You have a lot going on in your life to have no one to listen and help you think through coping methods.

Thanks, Stacy, I know that and you're absolutely right. I've done meds before and they worked for a short time then I weaned myself off them on my own and was fine for years. I do think I need someone to talk to more than I need meds.

I'm about to change insurance companies at work on October 1 ... I was thinking that was a long way off but it isn't, really. I wouldn't get an appointment with anyone sooner than that, anyway.

[intactivstmom]

I think that the realization that doctors don't know everything about health and don't even actually always have our best interests in mind was much like my realization that God isn't real to me.
Seriously though, I blindly followed what doctors told me to do my whole life and looking back it was not in my best interest. With Savana I went in blindly, had the epidural, let them give her formula, let them give her shots, totally trusted that everything they were doing was for the best. It was while I was pregnant with Kai that I started to pay attention more. And it was then that I realized my obgyn was full of **** about a lot of things. Things slowly started to dawn on me and I accepted that certain advice just made no sense at all. Just like the religion I'd been taught me whole life. But even with Kai I was not fully informed. I mean, are you ever, really? I keep learning new things all the time. It gives me anxiety, the more I learn how effed up everything really is.
I always wished I had the chance to do it my way and now I feel like I'm getting that chance.

I'm lucky, my uncle is very vocal about how doctors don't care about you and how they all are looking to suck you dry of money. So right off I knew I needed to look into a lot of things, and I thought I knew everything when I was pregnant. I knew I wanted drug free, invention free birthing. And I knew why.

But once I was in that bed with my baby coming almost 3mos too early I would have let the doctors cut off my legs if they told me it would save Robbie. Sometimes I wonder if I really needed my c/s now. In some ways knowing everything I did made it worse. Before I probably could have just been "Oh this happens to everyone all the time, there is no way anything can go wrong with a c/s, these are doctors." But knowing all the risks and knowing how much I didn't want it made it harder.

[The10Eels]

But knowing all the risks and knowing how much I didn't want it made it harder.

This, this, this, this, this!!!!

[demigraf]

I confess today, we were in the car and DH asked how I felt about our relationship and where it's going, etc. I said something to the effect of "I feel like I've given up and I'm just trying to live with you now" and he said "I hate to say it, but that's basically how I feel."
It just makes me sad. We don't even have big fights like we used to. It's like we don't even have the energy to fight anymore. I still think about leaving, but I just don't know.
Something a member here said stuck with me: "my being unhappy isn't a big enough reason to leave" and I've thought about that. Now that Josh is in the picture there's so much more to think about. If it were just me and DH I'd probably leave. But I'd hate to uproot Josh's life just on the possibility that I might find something better. But I also feel like I'm denying DH's right to be married to someone he connects with and has a partnership with. He says it feels like we're two people leading separate lives who just live together. I just want to cry

Kate, I know we've barely spoken yet, but I was sad to hear you're feeling at the end of your marital rope right now. I know it's hard to think about putting your LO through a big transition like the one you're considering. But if you really know that ending it is the right thing to do, I would try to focus on all the things that would improve if you make that change. You'd be happier. There'd be a lot less strain in your life from trying to live with your DH day-in and day-out. Josh could sense he's got two parents who feel optimistic about their situations. Your friendship with your DH could grow as you try to figure out the new terms of parenting one kid in 2 households. And if either of you decide to remarry and have more children, an extended family could be really good for him. There's no reason that Josh can't flourish with two parents who aren't together anymore. I remember growing up as a kid and thinking that my friends whose parents had split up had a more level-headed, realistic, mature outlook on life.

I swear I rarely quote "Easy to Love, Difficult to Discipline" but here I am quoting it a 2nd day in a row. It basically says that your child will be ready for any change that you are truly ready for. If you know you're taking care of yourself and that he CAN thrive in a new situation, then truly you are more equipped to handle his potential upset than he is to handle yours. In preparation for change, it helps to focus on your love, your bond with each other, and both of your abilities to grow and change. His comfort will come with your clarity that you are doing what is best for your family.

I know this isn't the same thing, but here are affirmations I kept for myself while I was nightweaning, and maybe they can help give you some direction with your possible change too:

1. If your child's basic needs are met, you can help him learn that it is ok to be upset and you as his parent will be ok if he is upset.

2. Have a plan, tell him firmly and clearly what is going to happen (i.e. we are going to stop nursing now) and show him you're confident that he'll be alright through the transition

3. It seems that a certain amount of discharging (crying, screaming) is healthy and warrants attention AND sometimes he just needs help directing his attention elsewhere.

I have had success with Bodhi sometimes when I comfort him and am there for her for a bit of crying and then I do something like turn on a light, play a small musical instrument, or even just play with his feet to help him put his attention elsewhere.

There are so many other ways that you can create a positive environment for him to be raised in. In the realm of possibilities, you really could do this, he could do this...

Hugs, mama.

[Gwenn]

Kate, I apologize in advance if it is insensitive of me to post this at this particular moment, but I wanted to share how I was feeling.

DH has been out of communication with me for a few days and just got back and on his computer an hour ago. Just that short time of chatting that we just had has done more to help my mood than anything else could have. He gave me a perspective on the situation with my parents, encouragement and support about something that has been upsetting me on the work front, and just really supportive and sweet. I know I have done my fair share of complaining about him throughout the years and most of it has been entirely deserved, but there is a reason I married him and I've just been strongly reminded of that right now.

[Bridget]

Demigraf, I know that was for Kate but thanks for that post. It spoke to me as well. I love the part about the child's comfort coming with the clarity that you're doing what's best for your family.

And Gwenn, that is so beautiful and wonderful and I love that he does that for you. It must be so hard to be without him.

[missychrissy]

I know my mother was literally nuts so it's not quite the same thing that you all are facing, but when I was a small child I remember feeling relieved when she wasn't around. Sure, I missed her and wanted things to be different, but life without the tension was much better than how things were when she was there.

Whether to stay or go has to be one of the toughest decisions in life. No one is all bad, and letting go of whatever positive the s/o contributes is very daunting.

[demigraf]

Demigraf, I know that was for Kate but thanks for that post. It spoke to me as well. I love the part about the child's comfort coming with the clarity that you're doing what's best for your family.

You're welcome, Bridget. My pals on this board call me Myles (real name's Mylah). I can't say what others may call me.

Gwenn, that was a really nice story you shared. That's awesome.

[daylilies]

Thanks everyone for the words of support and advice. Gwenn I don't think it's insensitive to post your own happiness. I don't want my situation to make anyone feel like they can't share their joys.
Anyway...we talked a little last night, basically just how I want to have a more positive outlook. Since we always seem to be on rocky terms, DH likes to joke around about how I'm going to leave him someday. Well, I've always hated that he does that, and I told him that. I feel like I always have the possibility of divorce hanging over us and that keeps us from being optimistic. It's kind of like how someone (Lydia, I think) mentioned that she had usually been successful at envisioning happiness and eventually achieving it. I want to try pretending that we're happy LOL
I don't know if we are trying to squeeze water from a rock but I guess for now we are going to keep trying.