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Thread: Secular Confessions

  1. #13471
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    I was adamant I didn't want to get married when I was younger, and look at me! I've done it twice. I think maybe it was just rebellion against the expected, but certainly my parents never tried to sway me one way or the other.

    I remember as a teenager starting to get really annoyed at my mom. I went from wanting to snuggle with her all the time to hating the way she breathed. I feel terrible for doing that to her, but I don't know how it could have gone any other way (because even at the time I realized it wasn't great). I think we have to be mean as teenagers to give us a little perspective when we deal with them ourselves later.

    I confess I have post-partum depression and have finally started taking medications for it after a week in which I went downhill very fast, spent days alternating between rage and lying in bed and crying, and have been telling strangers that having children is like having too many drinks at a party--it's hard to know when to stop, and by the time you do, it's usually too late. Dh is going out of town for 3 weeks and he was frantically making plans to cancel his trip. I think I'm getting myself under control now, but whew that was not fun.

    Maggie, I'm so glad you posted a new picture and you're back. She is looking so much like a girl now and not a toddler!


  2. #13472

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    Lydia, I had no idea. I confess I was amazed at how you made having young twins and a newborn look effortless when I last saw you. You seemed more on top of it with your 3 than me with just the 1 child. PPD is a funny animal, I guess, in that it can strike a few months post partum? My parents are in town the next 3 weeks, which means I can get away from Bodhi to help you when I'm not working. If you want company while J is away, or someone to watch the kids while you step out a couple hours, or even just a meal, I can do it. I'll contact you offline this week. You're smart to get help when you needed it.

  3. #13473

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    Quote Originally Posted by daylilies View Post
    I confess I've really been kind of freaking out a lot lately. I used to be able to handle stress and recharge to come back and deal with more but lately it just feels like I'm on empty as far as patience goes. DH is not home a lot so things don't get on his nerves as quickly. If I ask Josh to clean up and he takes his sweet time about it I start to get antsy while DH is telling me to calm down, he's just being a kid. I feel like I have to say everything 10 times and Josh doesn't listen until I raise my voice or send him to his room until he's ready to do what I asked. I've been told that you're not supposed to let your kids see that they're getting on their nerves and I feel terrible when it happens. I feel like he's going to grow up with these memories that mom is a biatch and that's not what I envisioned when I pictured parenting.
    I'll bet Josh is a different personality around you than your dh too, which makes it seem look like you're overreacting to things. It's that way for me, and it's really frustrating. DH can get Bodhi to hop in his carseat and let him brush his teeth without a fuss, where it's a battle of wills for me to get our lo to do the same. Don't worry about losing it once in awhile. You're totally human, and it's probably good for kids to watch how we recover from an upsetting moment so they learn to handle their own strong feelings.

    I confess I was a rotten teenager to my mom. The combination of generational, religious and cultural gaps gave me one heck of a superiority complex over her. I made it clear to her almost every day that I didn't respect her. It took me forever into my adulthood to learn to appreciate what a strong, sweet woman she really is. I'm so glad I've had the opportunity to apologize for my cwappy attitude as a teen. And my mom was so graceful about it, she just laughed and said, "Ah, you weren't so bad."

  4. #13474

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    Nice to see you back Maggie and Demigraf!!

    So sorry to hear you are having a rough time Lydia, but it's great that you recognized it and got the help you needed.

    I think I was an anamoly as I was never mean to my mom when I was a teenager. People always tell me that Elle, who is very sweet and nice, will turn mean when she's older and will treat me like I treated my mom. They don't know that my mom and I were very close when I was younger and I was very respectful and mannerable with her. I actually felt sorry for her and pitied her a lot when I was a young girl and a teenager, which is strange, I think I was more in the mother mode than she was while I was growin up. I always wanted to protect her because her family treated her so bad for having 2 kids before she was 18. She was the black sheep of our family and really wasn't the greatest mom, but I loved her and was very protective of her and her feeling and never wanted to upset her because I felt she had enough to deal with besides having to worry about me. She said she never worried about me at all until I went off to college so I think I did my job well and I truly hope that Elle is like me when she gets to adolescence.

    I also never wanted to get married either. I still have conflicting views on marriage. I think was one of those progressive young women as wel as I never fantasized about having a wedding, I saw that as a waste of money. And I saw marriage as legalized slavery for women LOL. I don't think that any more but at the time I just didn't want to be subjugated or controlled by any man. I don't think that marriage is all sacred or anything of the sort to this day but I don't feel like it is legalized slavery anymore.

    Erin
    Last edited by Ky'sMom; 09-13-2010 at 08:48 AM.

  5. #13475
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    Quote Originally Posted by demigraf View Post
    Lydia, I had no idea. I confess I was amazed at how you made having young twins and a newborn look effortless when I last saw you. You seemed more on top of it with your 3 than me with just the 1 child. PPD is a funny animal, I guess, in that it can strike a few months post partum? My parents are in town the next 3 weeks, which means I can get away from Bodhi to help you when I'm not working. If you want company while J is away, or someone to watch the kids while you step out a couple hours, or even just a meal, I can do it. I'll contact you offline this week. You're smart to get help when you needed it.
    I'm pretty sure I've had it since before I gave birth. I have just been not in denial so much as trying really hard to control it with behavioral modification--I'm a strong believer in positive thinking and acting as if I'm happy and hoping the reality will follow the action (which many times it actually will). I broached PPD to my doctor at my six-week appointment and when he told me that he thought it was pretty typical to feel overwhelmed and angry and incapable with three children but he could send me a referral to psych if I really insisted, I decided to see if I could continue to manage on my own, since I was keeping my head above water. By the time I decided that I really did need help last week, I think the acknowledgment led to the breakdown.


  6. #13476

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    Aw, Lydia. I'm sorry. What a difficult time. Do the meds start working right away? Do you feel better? Will DH still go on his trip?

    I never had grand dreams of a wedding. I never knew if I even wanted to get married. I knew I wanted kids but never felt I needed to get married to have them. My best friend and I used to joke that we were just going to get someone to get us pregnant and then never tell them and be single moms together. We both ended up pregnant in Hawaii and brought the guys back to wisconsin with us. Almost every time we have drinks together now we lament on how we should have stuck to our original plan and just left them there.

    I was with Savana and Kai all day yesterday by myself. We did tons of stuff including driving to my cousins an hour away for a bbq. They did not have one bad moment. Not one tantrum. Not one freak out. It was a great day.

  7. #13477

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    Quote Originally Posted by demigraf View Post
    Gee, that sounds familiar. Is your DBF the type to read a parenting book? My DH isn't. Anyway, I have been reading "Easy to Love, Difficult to Discipline" (which is much better than it sounds ) on and off, and even just skimming it has already given me some good direction. The book says we have to first discipline ourselves before we can effectively discipline our children, and I think it even has some exercises for staying in control of yourself while your kid is acting up. The book really hammers home the point that we have to model the behavior we want for our kids. Since DH learns by watching, I find myself treating him in the same way - like I have to model how I want him to parent. I tend to think out loud for his benefit when I'm trying to stay calm and see things from Bodhi's little toddler perspective.

    LOL... It's a juggling act to stay on top of all that behavior modeling while the kid's in mid-meltdown. It's kind of feels like I'm playing chess with two people at the same time i.e. putting myself in the kid's shoes and talking him down from his ledge, while at the same time watching DH watch me parent, and knowing both of them may mimic how I behave in the situation. Us moms should really get an award for pulling off stuff like that, but then it wouldn't necessarily be the best example if we go around and start demanding recognition for what great examples we're setting, now would it?

    Word to all of the bold! I really wish dbf would pay more attention to the details of how I do things. When he sort of tries to do what he hears me do, he says it in such a mean way that it hurts their feelings. They just cry.
    I try to share with him the techniques I use and why and he'll say it makes sense and he'll try to do it sporadically but he has no consistency. Like this morning he kept coming up and down the stairs where Savana sitting at the bottom so every time he came through he'd say, "Excuse me" and she'd have to stop what she was doing and move. She got frustrated and said, "Dad! Stop saying excuse me! I'm using this space!"
    He shoots me a look, because I'd asked him to model manners for the kids and that's what he was doing by saying excuse me. So I guess the look was to show that manners don't work? Who the hell knows. Anyway, he said, "Fine Savana. Next time I'll just say "move" and push you out of the way. Would you like that better?"
    I told him that his ridiculousness was astounding and that no one in this house would push anyone ever no matter what.
    I think if he was ever evaluated he'd be diagnosed with some sort of behavior or personality disorder. I'm no expert but I don't know how else to explain his erratic behavior.

  8. #13478

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    Lydia, I'm glad you're at a decision point, and hope things resolve quickly. You know you have us to talk to...

    I was terrible to my mother as a teenager, but I don't feel poorly about it. She was terrible to me, and she had the adult side of the stick - she could have stepped up. I'll do it differently with my kids, for sure.



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    Quote Originally Posted by demigraf View Post
    And my mom was so graceful about it, she just laughed and said, "Ah, you weren't so bad."
    From her perspective, it probably wasn't that bad. I dunno, for me I guess I expected difficult, hormonal teenagers and so far it hasn't been as bad as I feared. Sure, there are moments, but it's nothing like the horror stories I've heard about. And I guess when the kids do try to hurt me, intentionally or inadvertently, I just know that they're in that 'phase' and that this too shall pass.

    Jess says she's going to move away and not tell me where she lives. I laugh at her.

    Quote Originally Posted by Lydia View Post
    By the time I decided that I really did need help last week, I think the acknowledgment led to the breakdown.
    I'm glad you did seek some help. I hope you find relief soon.

    Quote Originally Posted by bridgetwu75 View Post
    Almost every time we have drinks together now we lament on how we should have stuck to our original plan and just left them there.
    It's not too late to send them both back.

    Yay on the awesome day. Proof that you know what you're about and you're doing it right.

    Mama to Bobbie 20 ~ Jesi 18 ~ Syd 14 ~ Conner 6
    I'm gonna be a Gramama! Jesi is due 11/22/13


  10. #13480

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    I confess I'm getting so irritated by a thread I started in New Moms about c-section rates. I'm wondering why I ever ventured in there expecting an intelligent discussion.



  11. #13481

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    I'm getting irritated by that thread too.

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    I confess I don't think I was that horrible to my mom as a teenager... I didn't always agree with her, and did alot of things behind her back, but never do I remember saying or doing anything to intentionally try to hurt her... quite the opposite really... and still to this day

    I confess thats the main reason I am a closet "secular"

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    My teens mostly think I'm lame. I wouldn't let Bobbie go to Mardi Gras last year. That caused some eye rolls from her, but I don't care. She can go when she's in college (next year! *gulp*!). To hear them tell it, I'm the meanest parent in the world, but actually I'm quite liberal. They've never had a bedtime, I don't tell them who they can and can't be friends with. They can wear what they want. I won't let them color their hair, though...but only because 1) it ruins it and 2) I cannot afford to have 3 of us coloring our hair every month or so. I also think guages are gross, and I fear the two older ones are going to do it as soon as they're 18. Yuck. They can believe whatever they want (religiously or politically) and I don't care if they go for a 2 year degree or masters. They can marry, not marry, have kids, not have kids...those things I don't worry about at all. They can also fall in love with anyone they choose.

    I did just learn that when I let Bobbie be a designated driver for my brother and cousin, they met with a mutual cousin and the 3 adults smoked pot in front of Bobbie. I'm not happy about that, and I will say something to them. Bobbie will roll her eyes and tell me I'm lame and threaten to never tell me nothing ever again as long as she lives.
    Last edited by missychrissy; 09-13-2010 at 12:23 PM.

    Mama to Bobbie 20 ~ Jesi 18 ~ Syd 14 ~ Conner 6
    I'm gonna be a Gramama! Jesi is due 11/22/13


  14. #13484

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    Hey Lydia - I am sorry things are bad. I've been struggling with it all summer, too, and finally went to see a doctor a few weeks ago. Just an awful feeling that I made a really really really big mistake by thinking I could deal with having a child and it is NOT working and I am NOT equipped to deal with this and I am now trapped and there is no way to fix it and if I try somehow to fix it it will get even more screwed up.

    Anyway, I have had a couple of major breakdown days where I had a hard time getting out of bed, too. I hope that we both get back to normal soon.

    "Any idiot can face a crisis; it is this day-to-day living that wears you out." -Anton Chekhov


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    Quote Originally Posted by stash View Post
    I confess I'm getting so irritated by a thread I started in New Moms about c-section rates. I'm wondering why I ever ventured in there expecting an intelligent discussion.
    You didn't expect a running diatribe of the reasons why each person had been induced or had a c-section?

    For me, knowing how the US was so far above everyone else's numbers in the induction/c-section area it made me more adamant that neither were going to happen to me again.

    I don't believe that just because a woman has had a c-section that the next one should automatically be scheduled as such. It really bugs me.

    Mama to Bobbie 20 ~ Jesi 18 ~ Syd 14 ~ Conner 6
    I'm gonna be a Gramama! Jesi is due 11/22/13


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    Quote Originally Posted by katycat24 View Post
    Hey Lydia - I am sorry things are bad. I've been struggling with it all summer, too, and finally went to see a doctor a few weeks ago. Just an awful feeling that I made a really really really big mistake by thinking I could deal with having a child and it is NOT working and I am NOT equipped to deal with this and I am now trapped and there is no way to fix it and if I try somehow to fix it it will get even more screwed up.

    Anyway, I have had a couple of major breakdown days where I had a hard time getting out of bed, too. I hope that we both get back to normal soon.
    to you too. I wish I could make it better for both of you.

    Mama to Bobbie 20 ~ Jesi 18 ~ Syd 14 ~ Conner 6
    I'm gonna be a Gramama! Jesi is due 11/22/13


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    Quote Originally Posted by missychrissy View Post
    I don't believe that just because a woman has had a c-section that the next one should automatically be scheduled as such. It really bugs me.
    ITA..

    I really wish I would have handled both my births differently

  18. #13488

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    Quote Originally Posted by katycat24 View Post
    Hey Lydia - I am sorry things are bad. I've been struggling with it all summer, too, and finally went to see a doctor a few weeks ago. Just an awful feeling that I made a really really really big mistake by thinking I could deal with having a child and it is NOT working and I am NOT equipped to deal with this and I am now trapped and there is no way to fix it and if I try somehow to fix it it will get even more screwed up.

    Anyway, I have had a couple of major breakdown days where I had a hard time getting out of bed, too. I hope that we both get back to normal soon.
    I hope this too.

    The thing about my relationship with my mom is that she really wasn't very accepting of us taking different paths than she wanted. She was a yeller and it was damaging. I was a little scared of her because I never knew how she'd react. Any failure I had made her angry and then she'd be mean. So I never wanted to be around her and it carried over into my adult years. She could never understand why I didn't want to spend time with her and I never had the balls to tell her exactly why. It wasn't that I said hurtful things. I just said nothing. And I was a really heavy drinker and partier all through my twenties. I'd show up to a breakfast date with her with alcohol still on my breath and last nights make up on. She worried and nagged and *****ed so much that I avoided her even more. Once she said to me, "What man in his right mind would want to marry a girl that drinks the way you do?" Ouch.
    Anyway, as she got older, she just wanted to be my friend. But I had moved to Hawaii. She begged me to come home every time I spoke to her. She knew made mistakes as a mom. She felt she struggled with undiagnosed depression. I forgave her completely and without reservation. And the last few years of her life, when I moved home from Hawaii, we were friends. Finally. And now suddenly she's gone. I needed more time.
    Last edited by Bridget; 09-13-2010 at 01:22 PM.

  19. #13489

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    Yeah, but you guys are... RATIONAL. I forget that the minute I set foot out of this room, I enter the realm of lunacy.



  20. #13490

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    Quote Originally Posted by The10Eels View Post
    ITA..

    I really wish I would have handled both my births differently
    All you can do is the best you can do with the knowledge you have at the moment.

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    Quote Originally Posted by missychrissy View Post
    You didn't expect a running diatribe of the reasons why each person had been induced or had a c-section?

    For me, knowing how the US was so far above everyone else's numbers in the induction/c-section area it made me more adamant that neither were going to happen to me again.

    I don't believe that just because a woman has had a c-section that the next one should automatically be scheduled as such. It really bugs me.
    Word to this! I'm living proof! LOL. I remember when I first told my mother that I'd be having baby #2 vaginally and she was adament that I'd need another c/s....proved her wrong! Ha!

    Lydia, just wanted to say that I'm glad you're getting help and I'm sorry you've had to go through PPD. (HUGS)

    I'm late in to the mother conversation, but I'd have to say I was pretty darn good to my mother. Well, both me and my sister were. We were really good kids and I don't think she knows how lucky she was that we were so independent and level-headed...my mother is/was an alcoholic with emotional issues. From her, I've learned how not to parent.

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    Quote Originally Posted by bridgetwu75 View Post
    And I was a really heavy drinker and partier all through my twenties. I'd show up to a breakfast date with her with alcohol still on my breath and last nights make up on. She worried and nagged and *****ed so much that I avoided her even more. Once she said to me, "What man in his right mind would want to marry a girl that drinks the way you do?" Ouch.
    eek...I'd like to think I'd be more tactful, but maybe out of fear and exasperation I could see myself saying something like that to one of my daughters.

    I can't think of any specific examples right now, but I know I've stepped my foot in it at least a couple times over things that really frustrated me. I don't know how I'd cope if I thought one of them was heading for an addiction.

    Mama to Bobbie 20 ~ Jesi 18 ~ Syd 14 ~ Conner 6
    I'm gonna be a Gramama! Jesi is due 11/22/13


  23. #13493

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    Bridget, I was like you. A total handful. But my mom was a complete asshat for her own reasons. She never quite admitted it, but I never asked her to. I know she feels badly about how I was raised, and honestly, I don't care to beat her up about it. She's changed (for the most part) and I am glad to have her as a mama and a friend. That said, I DID have to ask her to stop reminding me of "how difficult I was as a child" recently because it still hurts my feelings. I was a difficult kid in part because the life circumstances she created for me, and the way she didn't support me (she abandoned me emotionally as soon as I started to hit puberty, a psychological issue of her own based on her relationship with her mom). And even if it was ME, the last thing you need as an adult is to be constantly reminded of what a ****er you were when you were young. I was her baby, and in my opinion, as a parent now, she should ALWAYS have remembered that.



  24. #13494
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    That makes me incredibly sad for you Stacy.

    My own relationship with my mom is totally messed up, but it's not horrible I guess. She tries and I don't blame her for having a mental illness when I was little. All that anger is gone, but I feel like I can never have a true mother-daughter relationship with her. I like being with her once a week and I love how she loves my son. Her relationship with him is very positive and strong. I like doing things with her and for her. But last weekend, for instance, she tried to pat my shoulder and tell me she loved me and was proud of me. It made me cringe. I'm not sure why, exactly, but I don't like her 'petting' me.

    Maybe I'm still mean to my mom.

    Mama to Bobbie 20 ~ Jesi 18 ~ Syd 14 ~ Conner 6
    I'm gonna be a Gramama! Jesi is due 11/22/13


  25. #13495

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    I'm sorry you're getting some overreactions to your c-section thread, stacy. It's unfortunate that some saw the link itself as inflammatory and chose to avoid even reading it. What you posted is a fact-based report from the Natl. Library of Medicine/NIH, not an editorial from "The Crunchy Mama's Propaganda Times" or something. It never furthers the dialog to just flat out avoid information. At least hear out the other side, even if you go into the whole thing disagreeing. Maybe you'll learn something, kwim?
    Last edited by demigraf; 09-13-2010 at 03:22 PM.

  26. #13496

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    Dang, you guys were busy while I was gone!
    Lydia I'm sorry you're dealing with PPD. I hope the medicine helps.
    I haven't even ventured in that c section post. I had a c section but I realized I'm a totally different case, having spina bifida, so I didn't even think I could compare myself to an average person who gets a c/s.
    I confess today, we were in the car and DH asked how I felt about our relationship and where it's going, etc. I said something to the effect of "I feel like I've given up and I'm just trying to live with you now" and he said "I hate to say it, but that's basically how I feel."
    It just makes me sad. We don't even have big fights like we used to. It's like we don't even have the energy to fight anymore. I still think about leaving, but I just don't know.
    Something a member here said stuck with me: "my being unhappy isn't a big enough reason to leave" and I've thought about that. Now that Josh is in the picture there's so much more to think about. If it were just me and DH I'd probably leave. But I'd hate to uproot Josh's life just on the possibility that I might find something better. But I also feel like I'm denying DH's right to be married to someone he connects with and has a partnership with. He says it feels like we're two people leading separate lives who just live together. I just want to cry

  27. #13497

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    The c/s thread is seriously bugging me. When one mom said that tons of moms in Ecuador choose a c/s without ever once trying it naturally, but that they are not stupid I thought YES! They are! C/s are sooo dangerous, both to the mom and baby immediately and for the mom in the long run too. It is stupid to opt for major, dangerous surgery for no medical reason. I hope I don't offend anybody, but I seriously cannot look at that any other way. I can understand not wanting to try a vbac, but to want a c/s right off the bat....I just don't get that.
    I didn't think anybody here actually did that (or admitted it), it was just the abstract reference that I saw.

    ETA: from our own APA, here are the risks. Why would you want these without needing them??? I know we all sound like we are kind of on the same page here, so I'm kind of preaching to the choir. But I feel safe posting in here, and I just have to say this somewhere.
    Last edited by intactivstmom; 09-13-2010 at 04:57 PM.

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  28. #13498

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    Quote Originally Posted by daylilies View Post
    Dang, you guys were busy while I was gone!
    Lydia I'm sorry you're dealing with PPD. I hope the medicine helps.
    I haven't even ventured in that c section post. I had a c section but I realized I'm a totally different case, having spina bifida, so I didn't even think I could compare myself to an average person who gets a c/s.
    I confess today, we were in the car and DH asked how I felt about our relationship and where it's going, etc. I said something to the effect of "I feel like I've given up and I'm just trying to live with you now" and he said "I hate to say it, but that's basically how I feel."
    It just makes me sad. We don't even have big fights like we used to. It's like we don't even have the energy to fight anymore. I still think about leaving, but I just don't know.
    Something a member here said stuck with me: "my being unhappy isn't a big enough reason to leave" and I've thought about that. Now that Josh is in the picture there's so much more to think about. If it were just me and DH I'd probably leave. But I'd hate to uproot Josh's life just on the possibility that I might find something better. But I also feel like I'm denying DH's right to be married to someone he connects with and has a partnership with. He says it feels like we're two people leading separate lives who just live together. I just want to cry
    I'm so sorry.

  29. #13499
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    Lydia, I'm so sorry for what you are going through and I'm glad you are getting help.

    Kate, (hugs) about DH. I hope you two can find a way where you can be happy with each other. If not, I hope whatever happens you find what is best for all of you.

    Haven't seen the c/s thread as I rarely venture into New Moms. Haven't been there done that but I agree ... why have major surgery when you don't need it?

    I had a very close relationship with my mom until I was in my 20's, and then things started to get a little harder. She was a very loving mom but a little overprotective and I'm her baby. I think it's still hard for her to let go of me and the older I get, the more we butt heads about that. DH and I have been talking about moving when he gets home and the more I think about it, the more I think it would be good for me to have some space from my parents. I've lived out of town (4 hours away) but never farther away than that and although I planned to move much farther away, I met DH right after and ended up staying in the same town as my parents. I just think we're too close to each other.

    I don't know if you remember my comment about my mother making fun of me a couple of weeks ago? She called the next day and wanted to talk but I didn't really have anything to say to her so she said she'd talk to me again when I felt like talking. I haven't spoken to her since. Dad has emailed and asked me out to dinner and I just replied "no thanks." He emailed last night asking if they had done something to offend me ... this after my telling her at the time it was not okay for her to make fun of me, and also telling Dad by email that I was upset about her making fun of me. Now they wonder if they somehow offended me without knowing it? I've been thinking all day about how to respond to that one. What's worse is that Friday is my birthday and they want to take me out to dinner. With DH gone I can't imagine anything worse than spending my 37th birthday alone with my parents, no husband, no children ... I just do NOT want to go through that. Then again, staying home alone might be worse. I've thought about having a party and going out with my girlfriends but my closest friend is Jewish and it's Yom Kippur and she can't go out. She invited me to temple to fast with her. Maybe I should take her up on it!

    I am wondering myself if I shouldn't see somebody for depression. I'm not ready to take that step yet, but my better judgment thinks it's time.
    Last edited by Gwenn; 09-13-2010 at 06:26 PM.
    Me (40) DH (47) & furbabies * m/c 7/08 4/12 11/12

  30. #13500
    Join Date
    Jun 2006
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    to everyone. There seems to be a lot of sadness for various reasons lately. I read each post and it causes a pang in my heart. I wish I could make it better for each of you.

    Mama to Bobbie 20 ~ Jesi 18 ~ Syd 14 ~ Conner 6
    I'm gonna be a Gramama! Jesi is due 11/22/13


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