Secular Confessions

[missychrissy]

I think I'm the only person in the US that doesn't mind jury duty. The closest I came to actually being on a jury though involved my brother's friend, so of course they let me off. I wouldn't have claimed the relationship, but I was afraid if he won his case (he did) and it was later found out that we were acquaintances that it would screw up his case and it would have to be retried. I don't even know if that could happen, but I didn't want to risk it. He lost his arm due to his employer opting not to purchase extra shields to prevent such accidents.

Yay for dh being home!! Celebrate!!

[Gwenn]

I think I'm the only person in the US that doesn't mind jury duty. The closest I came to actually being on a jury though involved my brother's friend, so of course they let me off. I wouldn't have claimed the relationship, but I was afraid if he won his case (he did) and it was later found out that we were acquaintances that it would screw up his case and it would have to be retried. I don't even know if that could happen, but I didn't want to risk it. He lost his arm due to his employer opting not to purchase extra shields to prevent such accidents.

Yay for dh being home!! Celebrate!!

That's horrible.

It's not the jury so much as the way they just drop it on you with absolutely no regard for your schedule. I was reading the info sheet and it said if you lived more than 60 miles away from the court (I don't, I live locally, but just as an example), they would pay for a hotel to stay in the night before. To be paid 4-6 weeks after the fact. Being on call for a week means potentially a week of being in a hotel room but not even knowing for certain how long you would be there or how much to budget for. There are people - I would have been one of them two months ago - that would have been an impossible financial burden for, even knowing they'd be reimbursed.

[Bridget]

Ugh. My girlfriend, her dh and kids came over last night. Dbf was being a jerk all evening. I fell asleep at 11 or so putting Savana and Kai to bed.
It's 1:30am now. I just woke up and both dbf and her dh are gone. And dbf's phone is here. I am sure they went to the bar and now I can't sleep. I can't believe he would leave without telling me. He's no problem waking me at any time for any other minor thing.
I guess his kindness streak is officially over.

[shutterbird]

Ugh. My girlfriend, her dh and kids came over last night. Dbf was being a jerk all evening. I fell asleep at 11 or so putting Savana and Kai to bed.
It's 1:30am now. I just woke up and both dbf and her dh are gone. And dbf's phone is here. I am sure they went to the bar and now I can't sleep. I can't believe he would leave without telling me. He's no problem waking me at any time for any other minor thing.
I guess his kindness streak is officially over.

Whatajerk. Time for YOUR kindness streak to be over with as well.

[Bridget]

Yeah, I'm not feeling especially kind right now. I heard my girlfriend get up so I came out and asked her if she knew where they were. She had fallen asleep as well and had no idea that they were gone. They drank almost an entire bottle of tequila before they left.
It's 3am now. The bars here shut down at 2:15. She just took my car to cruise around town and see if she could find her car, or them. There is no telling what the story could be. We are both feeling incredibly angry and incredibly worried.

[daylilies]

Any updates, Bridget? I hope everything's okay.

[Bridget]

Dbf walked in the door at 4am, without friend's dh. He told her she had to go pick him up because they were walking home and he refused to walk and was laying on the ground on the side of the road.
So she takes off and he starts telling me how he had to care of her dh all night and blah blah blah. I'm asking over and over where they were and what they were doing and he just keeps repeating that he's been dealing with "B" all night. I get no answers. When he realizes I am mad he tells me that I'm crazy, psychotic, demented and I need counseling. Because all he has ever done is love me and try to make me happy. At this point I realize how drunk he is and I just turn around, and go back to bed.
She found her dh on the side of the road and got him in the car where he still is now.
I'm just thinking of things for the kids and I to do so when we get up we can leave the house right away and I won't even have to talk to him.

Can you believe the level of maturity we're dealing with over here? It's a joke. But not a very funny one.

[girlwonder]

I don't understand it.

[stash]

Oh Bridget, what a ****er. I'm sorry. I'm sure you don't believe his drunken ranting about how crazy and demented you are, but if you do at all, just imagine how it would sound if one of us said it to you. Totally ridiculous, which is unfortunately and obviously what he is to you. Grr.

[stash]

Oh Bridget, what a ****er. I'm sorry. I'm sure you don't believe his drunken ranting about how crazy and demented you are, but if you do at all, just imagine how it would sound if one of us said it to you. Totally ridiculous, which is unfortunately and obviously what he is to you. Grr.

[daylilies]

Bridget, that's just ridiculous and unacceptable. I wish I could be a fly on the wall over there sometimes, because I don't understand him. (not that I think I'd see any merit to his comments if I were there, but I just wish I knew what goes through the guy's head.)

[3andMe]

I'm very disappointed in him.

[Gwenn]

Bridget. Unfortunately when people are deep in an addiction they will do anything to shift the blame on the people who are supporting them rather than face the fact that THEY have a problem. I'm so sorry you are dealing with this. This is another thing DH used to do when he was drinking. I would try to call him and he wouldn't answer, and then he told me I had a "problem" because I called him all the time. My problem was that he was off at the bar and never answered the phone. I don't smother him and never have. Where you are really, really sucks.

[intactivstmom]

I'm so sorry that not only did his kind streak end, but it ended with such horrible behavior.

[stephmama]

Oh Bridget, I can NOT believe he said that **** to you. wtf. I would kick his ass!

[Bridget]

I talked to him a little more over the phone today since I got up and left right away this morning. He is sticking to the fact that I am the one with the problem. He says what he did wasn't that bad and I should relax. Last night I told him I just feel like I can never be happy with him because I never know when the next bs is going to happen. That I feel like I just want to see how life would be without him. So that's where he thinks I belong on the crazy train. He says it's "not normal" to talk about leaving the father of your children because he went out for a couple of hours one night.
You see how he twists it around? As if the last few years of his contant lying and episodes of cheating just never happened? As if I'm some crazy chick who doesn't let her boyfriend go out. He's painted such an ugly picture of me. I told him that if he was truly concerned about my mental health, he'd have sat me down and spoken to me about it in a kind, loving way. To come home from the bar and yell it at me in anger is only meant to hurt me and nothing else. It's actually quite cruel.

I am so tired.

[stephmama]

I wish I could really do that.

[Gwenn]

I talked to him a little more over the phone today since I got up and left right away this morning. He is sticking to the fact that I am the one with the problem. He says what he did wasn't that bad and I should relax. Last night I told him I just feel like I can never be happy with him because I never know when the next bs is going to happen. That I feel like I just want to see how life would be without him. So that's where he thinks I belong on the crazy train. He says it's "not normal" to talk about leaving the father of your children because he went out for a couple of hours one night.
You see how he twists it around? As if the last few years of his contant lying and episodes of cheating just never happened? As if I'm some crazy chick who doesn't let her boyfriend go out. He's painted such an ugly picture of me. I told him that if he was truly concerned about my mental health, he'd have sat me down and spoken to me about it in a kind, loving way. To come home from the bar and yell it at me in anger is only meant to hurt me and nothing else. It's actually quite cruel.

I am so tired.

I truly don't think he is in a place where he can see what he is doing wrong. It is 100% him but he is too sick to see it. I'm so sorry.

[AmeriBrit]

Bridget, I'm sorry your bf is being a pinhead.

I confess I absolutely hate how tight my husband is with money. We are in the process of moving and decorating our new house and we haven't bought the new living room suite, curtains or any decorations just yet just because he's freaked out about how much everything costs. I wish I could kick him sometimes.

[daylilies]

Having just bought a house last summer, I know it's totally overwhelming to decorate. I spend scads of money at Target for months and we still don't have a lot of decorations. It's a lot, but it's worth it.
Just don't go for the cheap stuff for the sake of saving money, because it's not great quality and you'll end up replacing it for more money than if you'd just bought good quality stuff to begin with.

[missychrissy]

Bridget. Unfortunately when people are deep in an addiction they will do anything to shift the blame on the people who are supporting them rather than face the fact that THEY have a problem. I'm so sorry you are dealing with this. This is another thing DH used to do when he was drinking. I would try to call him and he wouldn't answer, and then he told me I had a "problem" because I called him all the time. My problem was that he was off at the bar and never answered the phone. I don't smother him and never have. Where you are really, really sucks.

ITA with all this. And Bridget, he doesn't deserve you. He is 100% pure asshole and you deserve better.

[The10Eels]

ITA with all this. And Bridget, he doesn't deserve you. He is 100% pure asshole and you deserve better.

I could not agree more

[Gwenn]

ITA with all this. And Bridget, he doesn't deserve you. He is 100% pure asshole and you deserve better.

I could not agree more

Yes, I agree too. You are too good for him.

[AbbeysMom]

So that's where he thinks I belong on the crazy train. He says it's "not normal" to talk about leaving the father of your children because he went out for a couple of hours one night.

But he didn't just go out for a couple of hours one night. You have a laundry list of posts on APA about the thousands of a**hole things he's done to you through the years you've been with him. It seems like a pretty big problem that he doesn't understand he's been hurting you *this entire time*, especially when you've gone to great lengths to communicate that to him.

And IMO, staying with someone solely because they are the father of your children is not a good enough reason to stay together. If you are with him because you really love him, then I hope he starts acting deserving of your love as soon as possible.

[daylilies]

Guys, I think some crap might go down at the inlaws today. We were invited to their neighbor's party. MIL has gone off the deep end. SIL moved out recently and MIL has been blaming DH for a lot of crap. Saying he influenced her to move out (she's in her 20's!). SIL doesn't speak to her parents anymore because they basically treat her like crap, and MIL is blaming DH for that too. We went to visit SIL at her new place and I guess MIL found out and isn't happy.
She also has zero interest in Josh anymore She never asks to see him anymore and she's a total witch when we ask if she can babysit once in a blue moon.

DH is (finally) sick and tired of her crap and thinks that if she tries to pick a fight today, he might just cut her off.
This might be difficult since she lives like 3 minutes away. But anyway...I hate confrontation and I'm already getting a little bit of anxiety about going over there today. Thankfully I'm not really involved in these shenanigans but because I'm DH's wife I'm sure I'm to blame for something. LOL
So if you could just send out positive vibes today, that would be great!

[midgeend]

I talked to him a little more over the phone today since I got up and left right away this morning. He is sticking to the fact that I am the one with the problem. He says what he did wasn't that bad and I should relax. Last night I told him I just feel like I can never be happy with him because I never know when the next bs is going to happen. That I feel like I just want to see how life would be without him. So that's where he thinks I belong on the crazy train. He says it's "not normal" to talk about leaving the father of your children because he went out for a couple of hours one night.
You see how he twists it around? As if the last few years of his contant lying and episodes of cheating just never happened? As if I'm some crazy chick who doesn't let her boyfriend go out. He's painted such an ugly picture of me. I told him that if he was truly concerned about my mental health, he'd have sat me down and spoken to me about it in a kind, loving way. To come home from the bar and yell it at me in anger is only meant to hurt me and nothing else. It's actually quite cruel.

I am so tired.

It is cruel. He needs some kind of serious eye opener. My DH and I both used to get way too drunk, way too much, and when I got pg with Annie, obviously I stopped. But he didn't. I don't think I ever seriously thought I would leave...but I definitely made it very clear that if things didn't change, that I would have...and I knew that if things didn't change, that I would have to seriously figure out doing just that.

Danny went to some counseling, he was willing to do that, and I think that really helped him, and it definitely helped me. I was also in counseling, separately.

Is that something your dbf would ever consider? He's just abusing you when he gets drunk like that, and then talks to you that way...he needs to see that.

[stash]

Bridget. This has to stop. I know you are tired. I know you are scared. I know the challenges of leaving him (or telling him to leave) are great. But I just don't see any other intelligent choice here. He will only continue to hurt you.

It's not worth talking about his behavior with him. He will only manipulate you. He's wrong, and he knows it. Tell him that, and don't enter into discussions about your mental health with him. There are very clear lines he's crossed here, over and over.

[stash]

Bridget. This has to stop. I know you are tired. I know you are scared. I know the challenges of leaving him (or telling him to leave) are great. But I just don't see any other intelligent choice here. He will only continue to hurt you.

It's not worth talking about his behavior with him. He will only manipulate you. He's wrong, and he knows it. Tell him that, and don't enter into discussions about your mental health with him. There are very clear lines he's crossed here, over and over.

[Ky'sMom]

It's not worth talking about his behavior with him. He will only manipulate you. He's wrong, and he knows it. Tell him that, and don't enter into discussions about your mental health with him. There are very clear lines he's crossed here, over and over.

ITA with this. My own DH is a character and he does say some hurtful things, he even drinks quite a bit, never to the extent that he is falling over drunk or leaving someone though. He used to be kind of mean when he was drunk, he used to smoke a lot of marijuana too, and I actually left him for 1.5 years when Ky was a baby because I was just sick of him. He begged me back and we have been constantly building our relationship over the last 7 or so years and really it is just now to the point where I feel comfortable and don't think about leaving him all the time. I also focus on the good times we have, it is my feeling that there should always be more good times than bad. Though I wouldn't see this particular incident of your DBFs as a deal breaker by itself, it attached to everything else would really have be planning on some sort of change. I'm so sorry that he is just so self centered, and even if he isn't internally, that he portrays such selfishness and unconcern about what you are and his children are feeling and experiencing because of his behavior. I've been there with my DH and even my DH has his moments but afterwards he never blames me for acting the way I do because he knows our history and what I have put up with from him, my DH has said some whoppers and some huge lies and deceived me to the point where I was totally disgusted with him, similar to your BF, I gave him one more opportunity to keep us together as a family and I'm happy that he rose to the occasion and matured finally at the age of 37. DH did this without any therapy, though I don't see anything wrong with counseling, I truly believe that if people want to change their behavior they will do it. They may need ideas about how to do it from a counselor but it is essentially up to them to make the changes that need to be done. I hope your DBF will focus more on himself in regards to his actions and stop being so childish. But I agree to not even discuss your reaction or your mental state, he is the one with the problem(s), not you.

Erin

[Gwenn]

Yes, like Erin's DH, my DH made big changes in his life and he did it without formal counseling. I had been putting pressure on him to change and threatening to leave him for a long time. I believe he wanted to change, but was just not in a place where he could do it. He actually took up Zen meditation and did cut back drinking somewhat. After a couple of months he went on a Zen retreat. He came back from that retreat completely changed. He hasn't had anything to drink since then, it's been over 18 months now and he says he still has no desire to drink. His behavior toward me is completely different. But it was his own motivation to change and if he hadn't done that on his own I could have waited a lifetime asking him to change and threatening to leave and it wouldn't have happened. I would have had to leave otherwise, it was getting to the point where I just couldn't live with him anymore and that point developed very quickly. If your DH isn't motivated on his own to change, it won't happen. It's too difficult.