Of course it's not horrible! You need to take care of yourself in order to be a good mom. It takes a lot of strength and self awareness to recognize and admit when you need help. So you may feel really lost right now but you are on the right path.
I hope you can talk to your therapist. I hope you find answers.
I know how scary it is. Every time I think about/thought about leaving dbf, I was overwhelmed with all of the changes and choices that would have to be made after the initial decision.