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Thread: Secular Confessions

  1. #5821
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    Quote Originally Posted by elmobo-n-lexi View Post
    I'm doing the same, except....i'm watching the clock until DH gets home. I swear this last hour just DRAGS on and on and on. I wish he never had to work and we could just both stay home together forever. UGH
    Yeah I love the days when we get to just hang out at home together. Now just need to win that lottery....

    I really should grocery shop after work but I hate driving in the dark and it pretty much is getting dark now when I leave work.

    Jennifer, 35, DH 36

  2. #5822
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    Quote Originally Posted by Lydia View Post
    I confess I've been packing all day today and we're leaving for 9 days in Mexico tonight at 3 AM. I'm dreading the travel days, but I'm looking forward to a tropical vacation with good food and swimming. What are you guys going to talk about while I'm gone?
    Ooohhh! Have fun!!!!

    Jennifer, 35, DH 36

  3. #5823
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    Quote Originally Posted by Lydia View Post
    I confess I've been packing all day today and we're leaving for 9 days in Mexico tonight at 3 AM. I'm dreading the travel days, but I'm looking forward to a tropical vacation with good food and swimming. What are you guys going to talk about while I'm gone?
    We'll talk about you and how jealous we are of you in MEXICO!

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    Quote Originally Posted by silverstar View Post
    We'll talk about you and how jealous we are of you in MEXICO!
    This. exactly

  5. #5825

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    Quote Originally Posted by Lydia View Post
    Bridget, am I understanding correctly that your dbf got drunk and unhappy about you not meeting all of his needs, in the bedroom and out of it? I don't even know what to say about that, except he seems to live in his own world, without a lot of self-awareness or reflection, and only occasionally has a shining moment of generosity to make all the bad times seem a little less miserable. I am glad he's going to a counselor (and I really doubt he's sleeping with her, since they are in a professional relationship with overt ethical guidelines) and I would try to ask him more about what his issues are. Probably not in the same way I said it, though. Maybe you could go together sometime? If he's having difficulties, it wouldn't hurt to insert yourself in a session and provide some input and give some context to his situation, and hopefully learn a little bit more in the process.

    My mom has stayed with my dad for more than 20 years after his affairs, long-term mistresses (sometimes people call him "the man with two wives"), and his disregard, avoidance, and disrespect. She's living out here near me, now, but she doesn't think it's permanent and she still goes home 4-6 times a year. She ends up cleaning the house while he goes somewhere else for the weekend so he doesn't have to talk to her.

    I have asked her why she has stayed with him for so long when he's not very nice to her, and she tells me that when he IS nice, he's so wonderful, and she hopes to be able to see that again. In the meantime, she can see him being charming around his friends, if she's in the vicinity.

    I will support my mom no matter what she decides to do. I have no business telling her what to do with her relationship. It makes me a little sad, sometimes, thinking that if she'd left him 20-30 years ago, when he first started having significant affairs (and yes, I was aware of it even at the age of 7), she might have found a nice man and been happier this whole time. Or she might have been lonely and unfulfilled, too, but she is anyway.

    I just want you to be treated with courtesy and respect. That doesn't seem like too much to ask, but it can be so hard to achieve.

    I'm sorry if this seemed preachy. It really wasn't meant to be, and I have no more business giving you relationship advice than I have giving my mom advice.
    I don't think you are preachy. I actually appreciate you taking the time to say all of this to me. You are right that he is not self aware at all. Every time this happens he feels bad for days and seems to be trying to change only to revert back after a bit. It's such a ridiculous cycle. Just writing this stuff makes me a little disgusted with myself.
    I would go to counseling with him but I don't know when we'd go. We have no babysitters. He also still insists that he's only seeing her because of the short term memory loss. And I was completely kidding about him sleeping with her. It's just that nothing would surprise me anymore.
    That is sad about your mom. I don't have any dislusions of dbf being any kind of wonderful at this point. I feel like he really misrepresented himself to me during the time that I thought we were getting to know each other. He acted like he agreed with so many of my ideals that I now see, in real life, that he does not apply. I honestly do not know where I would even begin to leave him. It's so complicated, as it always is I am sure.
    I think he really wants to be a good person. But I think he will never get there unless he takes a long look in the mirror and recognizes his mistakes. He has an excuse for everything. He never says, "I totally effed up and I'm sorry."
    Where am I going with this? I have no idea. Just thank you, Lydia, for your thoughts.
    Last edited by Bridget; 11-11-2009 at 03:54 PM.

  6. #5826
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    Quote Originally Posted by Lydia View Post
    Bridget, am I understanding correctly that your dbf got drunk and unhappy about you not meeting all of his needs, in the bedroom and out of it? I don't even know what to say about that, except he seems to live in his own world, without a lot of self-awareness or reflection, and only occasionally has a shining moment of generosity to make all the bad times seem a little less miserable. I am glad he's going to a counselor (and I really doubt he's sleeping with her, since they are in a professional relationship with overt ethical guidelines) and I would try to ask him more about what his issues are. Probably not in the same way I said it, though. Maybe you could go together sometime? If he's having difficulties, it wouldn't hurt to insert yourself in a session and provide some input and give some context to his situation, and hopefully learn a little bit more in the process.

    My mom has stayed with my dad for more than 20 years after his affairs, long-term mistresses (sometimes people call him "the man with two wives"), and his disregard, avoidance, and disrespect. She's living out here near me, now, but she doesn't think it's permanent and she still goes home 4-6 times a year. She ends up cleaning the house while he goes somewhere else for the weekend so he doesn't have to talk to her.

    I have asked her why she has stayed with him for so long when he's not very nice to her, and she tells me that when he IS nice, he's so wonderful, and she hopes to be able to see that again. In the meantime, she can see him being charming around his friends, if she's in the vicinity.

    I will support my mom no matter what she decides to do. I have no business telling her what to do with her relationship. It makes me a little sad, sometimes, thinking that if she'd left him 20-30 years ago, when he first started having significant affairs (and yes, I was aware of it even at the age of 7), she might have found a nice man and been happier this whole time. Or she might have been lonely and unfulfilled, too, but she is anyway.

    I just want you to be treated with courtesy and respect. That doesn't seem like too much to ask, but it can be so hard to achieve.

    I'm sorry if this seemed preachy. It really wasn't meant to be, and I have no more business giving you relationship advice than I have giving my mom advice.
    Wow, the situation with your mom and dad would just leave me heart broken for my mommy. My mom and dad were married for thirty something years before he passed away. I know if he had not passed away in 95, they would still be together. Anyway, she ended up dating and meeting another man (with the same name, coincidentally enough) and they were together for 11 years. He helped her through her battle with breast cancer, and while it was rocky for a few years, things had been going wonderfully. The rockiness was periodic during the time they were having a long distance relationship, which was like for the first five years of their relationship. A few months ago he came home one day and said they had "irreconcilable differences" and he wanted her out. She left and moved back to where she wanted to be, but she was so sad because they were supposed to be moving there together. It made me cry when she called and told me the news and now I truly believe my mommy will be dying alone, living in her trailer...at least she's where she wanted to be though. Not too long ago, as she was unpacking her stuff that had been sitting in storage for YEARS because she had sold her house to move in with the ex, she told me "I just never thought my life would be reduced to this." It made me so sad.
    Janeen - 30, Jimi - 42; Married October 21st, 2006;


  7. #5827

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    Quote Originally Posted by Lydia View Post
    I just want you to be treated with courtesy and respect. That doesn't seem like too much to ask, but it can be so hard to achieve.
    This.

    Bridget, I don't know how you arrived at where you are now and I never know what to say or how to say it without looking like a know-it-all or a judgemental jerk, so I don't say anything at all. We all make choices and make deals and compromise to get what we need so I don't presume to judge, but it makes me sad for you that this man seems incapable of participating fully in your shared life. And like Lydia, I hope that one day this man or another will treat you with the courtesy and respect you deserve.
    Last edited by girlwonder; 11-11-2009 at 08:22 PM.

    "Any idiot can face a crisis; it is this day-to-day living that wears you out." -Anton Chekhov


  8. #5828

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    And Lydia, I am so very sorry that you had to be aware of that at such a young age. It must have been difficult/confusing for you, especially later when trying to figure out relationships of your own. As a child of divorce, it took me a really long time to work out what a good relationship would mean for me. In some ways, it would be harder to exist in a situation where nothing was ever resolved, made better, and watching your mom exist in that.

    "Any idiot can face a crisis; it is this day-to-day living that wears you out." -Anton Chekhov


  9. #5829
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    The way I grew up, I thought my life was totally normal. My mom asked me, when I was 7, if it bothered me when I questioned the presence of the mistress that came along on our vacation. I stammered a little and said I guess if it didn't bother her, I could deal with it. She'd been my babysitter, so I was comfortable with her. I've had to consciously make an effort to not date men who are ridiculously distant and hard-to-please, though.

    Speaking of ridiculous, I just read a comment elsewhere that people who spell the word "ridiculous" incorrectly as "rediculous" are just referring to something insanely red. I like that, and I think I'll just mentally insert that whenever I see the wrong spelling. Oh, and if you type it often enough in one paragraph, it looks wrong no matter what.


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    Lydia - Your post about your parents reminds me of two things.

    1) My BFF's very first memory is being at the home of her father's mistress. It hurts my heart that that is the very first thing that she remembers about life...........

    2) My aunt and uncle are still married after his long term affair as well. My aunt lives in Arizona and my uncle lives in Michigan.. (with his mistress...) They have been married over 50 years, and when I asked my mom why they were still married if he is with another woman, and they live so far apart, and never see each other, she responded with "Out of obligation..."

    My aunt has Multiple Sclerosis, and I guess my uncle feels obligated to see that she has insurance, etc (he's a Veteran). So they stay married, she stays insured, and he sends her a check every month....

  11. #5831

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    Quote Originally Posted by katycat24 View Post
    This.

    Bridget, I don't know how you arrived at where you are now and I never know what to say or how to say it without looking like a know-it-all or a judgemental jerk, so I don't say anything at all. We all make choices and make deals and compromise to get what we need so I don't presume to judge, but it makes me sad for you that this man seems incapable of participating fully in your shared life. And like Lydia, I hope that one day this man or another will treat you with the courtesy and respect you deserve.
    ITA!!!!

    Ashley - 25, Chris - 27, Elizabeth - 9-22-04, Alexis - 12-19-08

  12. #5832

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    Have any of you heard from Agatha?

  13. #5833

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    Quote Originally Posted by stephmama View Post
    Have any of you heard from Agatha?
    No, and i've been wondering about her ALOT lately! She hasn't been on in quite a while

    Ashley - 25, Chris - 27, Elizabeth - 9-22-04, Alexis - 12-19-08

  14. #5834

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    All these stories about loveless marriages make me sad...I feel like I may be headed there. But we're really trying. I've been trying to clean better (yeah this is a major hangup for DH and while I feel like it shouldn't affect our marriage so much, I still try...plus it feels good to accomplish something) and I do little things for DH. The other day he complained that Josh ate all the "good" Halloween candy LOL so I went out and bought DH his own stash. Last night Josh went to my inlaws and DH and I went out and had fun.

    I talked to a friend of mine and went over some of the issues and she said instead of doing things because DH wants you to, do it for yourself...like with the cleaning, do it for your own good, then you won't feel like you're doing it as a chore for DH. It kind of made sense to me.

  15. #5835
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    That kind of makes sense Kate.

    My DH is a neat freak. I'm not a slob but not as bad as he is. I drive him a bit crazy but try hard most of the time to clean up. Since we both work, we both clean. I do like having a clean and neat home...but really I do it mostly for him and not so much to make him happy BUT I know that if he is happy MY life is easier and happier.

    After so long with a person, you know their triggers and it's just easier for all if you try to avoid them. And its the daily little things that really do make a difference for us (especially since my DH is not romantic in a soap opera/romance novel sense...AT ALL).

    Jennifer, 35, DH 36

  16. #5836

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    Quote Originally Posted by stephmama View Post
    Have any of you heard from Agatha?
    Quote Originally Posted by elmobo-n-lexi View Post
    No, and i've been wondering about her ALOT lately! She hasn't been on in quite a while
    Ditto.
    I just sent her an email - though if she doesn't have any computer time and that's the reason she's not on APA, then she won't see the email. But I'm giving it a shot anyway. I hope she's OK.
    Krista & Jonathan: Liam, our one and only, born 9 Sep 2008



  17. #5837

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    My DH doesn't care about a picked up house AT ALL. It's almost like he doesn't even see it. I keep it clean most of the time, but the times where it's not, he just could care less.

    Ashley - 25, Chris - 27, Elizabeth - 9-22-04, Alexis - 12-19-08

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    I dont think DH could care less about a picked up house either... As long as there are clean dishes to use... or paper plates lol

  19. #5839

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    Quote Originally Posted by atenielle View Post
    I dont think DH could care less about a picked up house either... As long as there are clean dishes to use... or paper plates lol
    Glad i'm not the only one!

    Ashley - 25, Chris - 27, Elizabeth - 9-22-04, Alexis - 12-19-08

  20. #5840
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    Wish mine were a bit more that way. I can't decorate alone because he cares deeply about how things look and is picky about placement and colors. So any house stuff we have to shop together. Can be a pain! And sometimes he steals my cup or water bottle on me if I get up to use the bathroom (he has gotten better there!).

    Thank god we have pretty similar tastes! LOL

    Jennifer, 35, DH 36

  21. #5841

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    Quote Originally Posted by Jennifer912 View Post
    Wish mine were a bit more that way. I can't decorate alone because he cares deeply about how things look and is picky about placement and colors. So any house stuff we have to shop together. Can be a pain! And sometimes he steals my cup or water bottle on me if I get up to use the bathroom (he has gotten better there!).

    Thank god we have pretty similar tastes! LOL
    Oh now that's a total different story! He actually cares VERY much about the decorations we put up for the holidays. He always have to have input on it and stuff. LOL

    Ashley - 25, Chris - 27, Elizabeth - 9-22-04, Alexis - 12-19-08

  22. #5842

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    LOL, the funny thing is, he doesn't care much about anything else to do with the house, like the decor, or the colors, or the arrangement...just that it's clean!

  23. #5843

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    Dbf used to be really, really anal about the house being a certain way. And I used to keep it our apt in Hawaii spotless but that was only one room! Now I have a whole house and just can't keep up. He knows now that if he wants it that way, he's got to do it himself. I am much busier than him to have the time to keep it up to his standards. So now he's not so picky.

  24. #5844

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    Ms Spy is just fine!

    Awwww, you girls are so sweet!

    Yup, I'm doing A-OK I've sort of taken a mini-vacation from the computer, and its cool how much I've been able to get done. No worries though, Bear and I are doing well, and I'll be back on APA shortly

    Thank you so much for asking, though! I'm blushing.

    ~Agata
    Krista & Jonathan: Liam, our one and only, born 9 Sep 2008



  25. #5845
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    Thanks, sunrider! I was wondering how A is doing!

  26. #5846

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    I'm so glad Agatha is doing well!

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    I confess I used to despise the show Supernanny, but have been watching it for a few weeks now, and alot of what she says makes sense, and I am trying to log it into memory to use later down the road...

  28. #5848
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    Quote Originally Posted by atenielle View Post
    I confess I used to despise the show Supernanny, but have been watching it for a few weeks now, and alot of what she says makes sense, and I am trying to log it into memory to use later down the road...
    The one thing I've learned from supernanny is just to be consistent with whatever you do. I've tried to introduce the "naughty step" for when he throws things; Travis is in a toy throwing phase. He learned really quickly that throwing leads to the step....so, now he goes over and sits on the step and throws toys from it. I don't try too hard with him now because he's so young, but I guess you have to start somewhere.

  29. #5849
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    Quote Originally Posted by elmobo-n-lexi View Post
    My DH doesn't care about a picked up house AT ALL. It's almost like he doesn't even see it. I keep it clean most of the time, but the times where it's not, he just could care less.
    Quote Originally Posted by atenielle View Post
    I dont think DH could care less about a picked up house either... As long as there are clean dishes to use... or paper plates lol
    Jimi definitely cares about a clean house. That must be why he does the majority of the cleaning.
    Janeen - 30, Jimi - 42; Married October 21st, 2006;


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    Ok Janeen.. What is this planet that Jimi is from?! I need to send DH there for some training

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