Stash is preggers!? That's awesome!
OMG! Yay Stash! and Silverstar!!
I confess we're watching Unwrapped on food network, and now I really want an italian cream soda!
I confess that I took the afternoon to do some cooking and now have some meals in the freezer - Santa Fe Soup, Sicilian Supper, Hawaiian chicken, and the meat sauce to my favorite lasagna.
Yay, congrats preggos!
SHUT UP!!! STASH?!?!
I confess May and June are amazing birth months!!! How exciting! I'm stalking SOOOO many people.
Ashley - 25, Chris - 27, Elizabeth - 9-22-04, Alexis - 12-19-08
"Reserving judgments is a matter of infinite hope." F. Scott Fitzgerald
Your comment about "rejecting girly things" made me recall this story, which I will forever remember fondly. I was purse shopping with my mother - I think Famous Barr was having a sale. I guess I was tired of fanny packs and was looking at something with a long strap to wear sort of like a messenger bag. I picked one up (I don't even remember what it looked like) put it on my shoulder and took a look in a nearby mirror.
Me: "Man, this makes me look like SUCH a girl . . ."
Mother: "Krista, you ARE a GIRL!!"
We laughed then, and I still laugh about it.
I don't have to worry too much about purses now. For work I'm using a backpack (cause of all the other things I'm toting back and forth), and going out evenings or weekends, my wallet/phone etc gets dropped in the diaper bag.
The #6 guard means nothing to me but I'm gonna guess it is pretty short, but on the long side of pretty short?
It's funny because I like bags. I don't accessorize or have more than a couple at a time but I like them.
I used to have a pretty short pixie cut and wear no makeup but I'm pretty sure DH hated that look. LOL He said "yeah I was so sad when you got your hair cut" and I told him no, it was that short when we met! And he said oh, I'm surprised I kept going out with you. LOL he really hates short hair on girls.
Ok, so, sometimes I don't even know where to start or how I got this bad, but I feel like I am floating through life sometimes, just not giving a crap! Hardly anything gets me excited anymore and when something does it's usually pretty brief and when it's over I'm depressed again. Drives my husband batty! When I was a kid I wanted a good job where I would be respected and looked up to. I still want the same but I'm not sure how to attain it. I don't have an outgoing, charismatic personality and I'm not self confident enough with anything to be a self-motivator, or a leader, and I really wish I could be, but I just don't know where to start or if I'm being unrealistic. I mean if I'm not that personality type, I can't really force it right? But I'm tired of jobs where I'm working under people who have the power to tell me what I'm doing is wrong, when I know it's not, and I'm tired of my mind working in a way that nobody understands and that isn't compatible with the type of job I want (example, I wanted to be a chef but I am not good at organizing or being consistent, which is pretty important to the job)
I feel like I have come so far away from who and what I wanted to be, even 10-15 years ago when I was in high school and college and I liked myself and where I was going. I used to have friends, get excited about things, and wanted to make something of myself. It seems like since I left high school, where it was all right there, I've had a hard time going out and getting it and I've since given up. I want to be a good loving wife and mom but I am just so fed up with everything sometimes it's hard to even try to be nice to my family. DH is not the loving, gentle souled person I wanted to be married to. He's kind of blunt and abrasive and doesn't think before he speaks. His job sucks the life out of him and he asks me about my day or asks me what he can do to help me but it goes in one ear and out the other when I tell him. It hurts my feelings when he's harsh to me or doesn't remember things I tell him. It makes me think he doesn't care.
I just don't know how to get a grasp on what I *am* good at, and work with it. I feel like I keep trying to go too far outside my abilities. I think it's good that I have faith that I can do it, but then it turns out I can't.
I know I need help, and I'm going back to my therapist in a couple weeks. When I told DH, he said "Oh good, more waste of money." Just shows what kind of support I get. He's all sweet and wants to know what will help but then he rejects it.
Kate, I don't have the emotional intensity I used to have when I was younger. When I am happy, it's more just like a sustained feeling of contentment and only rarely is it the huge swoop of joy I used to experience. On the bright side, when I am sad or hurt I don't feel nearly as devastated as I used to, either. I think part of that is just getting older, and I have more experiences under my belt to compare to the things I'm experiencing now. The lack of excitement might be partially due to this phenomenon.
On the other hand, everything I'm feeling isn't numbed by depression, either. It is terrible to have everything muted, gray, distorted by the lack of joy. I've been there too, and it is an awful place to be. I think I recall you were diagnosed with bipolar disorder. Are you taking medications for it, and if so, do you think you're on the right dose? Therapy can do a lot for how to think about things and changing self-talk and giving strategies for dealing with difficult situations (like talking to your dh or finding a fulfilling career), but it is hard to change the underlying chemical issue without specific medications.
I know you've been feeling restless and out-of-sorts lately. I hope you and your therapist and maybe your doctor can help you improve your situation. Let us know how you're doing, okay?
No, I went off the meds when I felt like I was on an upswing. I was doing fine without them and my therapist warned me these things come in cycles and lo and behold it did.
I don't like the pills for a lot of reasons. I don't like the idea of them and I don't like that I'm not suppose to drink at all when I'm on them (which would basically be forever, right?) I know it's probably a bad, immature reason to pick drinking over my well being. But I feel like having a drink helps me relax and cope better than the pills did, LOL
I know what you mean about not having the emotional highs and lows we get in our youth but the problem is I do still feel extreme lows. And I feel extreme highs too but hardly ever. Like, the last time was over the last year when I went to all those NKOTB concerts, met them and met some great new friends and now it's all over. I guess I kind of crashed. LOL
I guess I *want* those huge swoops of joy back. I want to count down the days, hours, and minutes until the next fun thing. I want to anticipate something, feel something other than "Bleh, whatever" but I don't want to have to medicate myself to feel happy. Things always get bad enough where I want to, so I do it, then I hate it, and I stop.
Yeah, those swings are part of bipolar, and a lot of people are tempted (and do) stop taking their meds either because they miss the emotional highs or because they feel good and don't think they need them anymore. Unfortunately, it's something life-long and it's not something that goes away. It is hard to evaluate exactly how things are going and what you need to change if you're doing it from within the grips of an illness, since that can distort a lot of things.
Maybe there is another medication you can try, if you feel so bad on the one you've been taking? Or a combo? If you are genetically predisposed to being depressed, it makes sense to treat it. It's not like you're relying on a pill for happiness. You take the pill to get back to what would be your baseline, and then it's up to you to be happy or not with all the resources at your disposal.
I would also start trying to find things to look forward to, and making them happen, no matter how little they are. A little roadtrip or vacation (that's my motivator). A movie without kids. A nice dinner at home. A new book. A trip to Renfest. Whatever big or little things you like, and start looking forward to them on purpose.
I confess I wrote an email at work to someone named Yelena, forgetting that there were five Yelenas at that office and of course I got the wrong one. I feel so sloppy and unprofessional! D'oh! I have to keep forcing my mind to turn away from it because I ruminate on it at every moment of leisure, like when I'm trying to fall asleep or when I wake up in the middle of the night. This abhorrence of anything less than perfection makes me really good at my job, but I don't like that I can't just let go of stupid mistakes I make.