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Thread: Secular Confessions

  1. #43651

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    Thank you all. My ability to roll with the punches is actually pretty pathetic. This has just been a really long punch and it's more like I fell flat on my face and then got back up, hah. It took a long time, I've been trying to have kids for 7 years. Also, I've been known to be pretty melodramatic, especially when I'm upset, so don't mind me over here whining!

    Thanks about the video! I'm just glad I got her to even TRY to say it. If we ever go back to her SLP, I'll try to get her to use the proper term, instead of teacher, but no promises, hah. Though, like you said, at least she knows her name!

    Oh man, that would be terrifying!! We don't have very big spiders where I live (these tarantulas are too much of a drive that they don't show up at my house), but when I went to Japan, I had a bit of culture shock with their huge spiders. One time, I went to take a shower, and there was this HUGE spider IN THE SHOWER. I had already changed and everything, and totally freaked out. I didn't want to get help since I was naked (I could have gotten dressed again, but did I mention that I freaked out??), and I wasn't as, um, humane towards all animals as I am now, so I tried to kill it. It was too big to squish, so I turned the water up really high and washed it down the drain. It was too big to fit!!! I still get shivers thinking about that. And, to be honest, I still feel bad about the way I treated that poor spider! ETA: it's actually a lot because of that guilt that I can't stand killing animals now, and why I'm trying to teach Maiya to respect all animals. Don't want her to suffer the guilt I am, hah.

    L, Black Widows?? You should be terrified of those! How did you manage to not get bit??

    Ok, now, here is really trying to look on the bright side! I've been sick, and not taking ANYTHING for it, because I was in the 2ww and paranoid. Well, now that I know that my body is forever "free" from such concerns, I intend to take Nyquil tonight. Can't tell you how happy that makes me, hah. Hopefully I will actually sleep!!

    Just because I'm on the topic of meds... I'll try to look on the bright side here, too. Since I finally connected my awful headaches with the fertility drugs, my doctor is supposedly going to prescribe me something strong for the horrible headache I know is coming. I admit, I am TERRIFIED. Those headaches nearly sent me to the ER when I was on ONE amp. I've been on FOUR amps, and for 3 extra days. Yes, terrified. Please, doc, give me some good drugs!! I've even told hubby that he must stay home on CD 3 of the next cycle (when I expect the headache) to care for Maiya, because I am taking a sick day!!
    Last edited by Krystal5; 10-02-2013 at 12:15 AM.



  2. #43652
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    Janet, I totally get what you are saying about rolling with the punches. My last m/c knocked me for a loop and I'm still not up again. I just needed some time to not think about it at all. It wasn't deliberate ... I just couldn't do it. I haven't even tracked my cycle in the last year. I mean, not even marking down the day it starts. I'm just not going there.
    Me (39) DH (46) & furbabies * m/c 7/08 4/12 11/12

  3. #43653

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    Yes, yes, exactly. To continue with the analogy... I feel like I may be getting back up, but it certainly isn't in the same place I was knocked down from. If that makes sense.

    Though you are smarter than I am, all around. You say you couldn't do it. My problem is, I CAN do it. I can drive myself in to the ground and destroy what I do have, all in an attempt to make it better. So, yeah, instead I have to make conscious decision to give it up and focus on what I do have, instead of striving for what I can't have.

    And I'm so sorry to whine about my infertility when I at least have one kid. I remember my pre-Maiya days, and that side is so much harder. Hugs to you and Jennifer.



  4. #43654
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    Oh, I don't know about that. At least you have made a decision and aren't stuck in permanent limbo.

    I will confess something I haven't told anyone, including DH. My mother told me recently she had saved up the majority of the money to pay for IVF if I wanted. She told me that almost a month ago. I still haven't even worked out whether I want to go there again right now.
    Me (39) DH (46) & furbabies * m/c 7/08 4/12 11/12

  5. #43655

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    Limbo is so hard. So, so hard. You know what is best for you, if or when the time comes.

    And, wow, that is so sweet of your mom. I understand. Very, very well. If it were guaranteed, maybe it'd be worth it. But it's NOT guaranteed. It's about 3 months, lots of physical and emotional drama and pain, for yet another POAS at the end that is still very likely to be negative. Only now you're possibly out that much more money. And that much more heartache. Ugh, Mandy, wish you didn't even have to think about such things! Wish none of us did!!



  6. #43656
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    Yup. And now that I'm 40, the chance of success is only about 25%, which is similar to the success rate of IUI. With no guarantee I won't m/c again if I did get pg. I'm glad you get it.
    Me (39) DH (46) & furbabies * m/c 7/08 4/12 11/12

  7. #43657

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    Yes, the miscarriage factor, UGH. I don't even want to think about that. Obviously. It's funny, when I realized I was spotting today, my first thought was "Wow, I'm glad the beta was negative". Because how awful would it be to go on THAT roller coaster again. A positive test, and then spotting, and the likely outcome. No.

    Definitely get it. <hugs>



  8. #43658

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    It makes me so angry that it's so hard for you guys. The mental anguish on top of the physical pain and suffering. It's just too much.

  9. #43659
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    Quote Originally Posted by Bridget View Post
    It makes me so angry that it's so hard for you guys. The mental anguish on top of the physical pain and suffering. It's just too much.
    I agree

    Things are a little crazy, but I'm loving every minute of it My Blog


  10. #43660
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    Big Hugs Janet and Mandy. It's definitely hard to imagine. I think that I have been lucky in that I have never once been pg or even thought I was. I knew I couldn't handle trying out treatments and such....it was hard enough just trying a few rounds of clomid. And I knew DH wasn't on for IVF, he might have tried an IUI. And he was absolutely certain that the child was either both ours biologically or neither of ours biologically.
    Adoption is kind of a PITA doing the paperwork and classes.....and the waiting sucks, well the waiting and not knowing. I mean if I knew next summer, ok I could do that much easier. There is always a chance that we get a match and she changes her mind which would really suck....but the agency does protect us financially from that (and in WI at least the birth moms can only get so much money out of us) as well as using bridge care. In WI they cannot terminate without going to court and that happens generally 3-5 weeks after the birth.....so during that time, agency encourages bridge care.
    My estimation is that total costs will be 15-18K....depends on how many days bridge care is needed and exactly how many lawyers get involved (depends on birth father and age of birth mom....could be up to four lawyers we pay for).
    We have to have the money up front....but with the 12k something tax credit and the 5K assistance I get from work, I think it might actually be cheaper for me to adopt than give birth in the hospital even with insurance.

    Personally for us the hard part has just been my DH being wishy washy and freaked out. But he's just that way about everything and would have been like that had I turned up pg. Just that had that happened, too late. But we recently had it out and I left it up to him....I was just tired emotionally from the back and forth, should we, shouldn't we, should we, shouldn't we. I mean if it wasn't going to happen, I wanted to know NOW to grieveand work on getting over it. But he said we should do it. So I'm going to start getting the room ready and make it feel more real. Social worker said two weeks ago when I saw her that eventually if patient, everyone gets matched. So I am just going to be the optimist I am and believe that it will happen....either a birth mom will pick us or we get a safe haven baby (they call first the longest waiting families locally....and I am getting up in waiting though my friend would get the call first as she has a couple of months on our wait time).

    Ok so on a way lighter note....I know I have told you guys about the frog that landed on my face, lips specifically, one night when DH opened the front door. But did I mention the centipede? This happened while DH and I were first emailing but hadn't actually met yet. It was like almost 6am and I was pulling an all-nighter writing this paper about how Athena and not Odyssesus from the Odyssey (one of my favorites of all time). I was in my parents basement because that was where dad had the office and computer set up. Suddenly something fell from the ceiling and landed between my boobs. OMG, it was a freaking centipede. I grabbed my shirt and got it in my hand but still under the shirt and ran upstairs where my mom was in the only bathroom getting ready for work. I freaked about a centipede in my shirt and my mom was like, did you take a drug or something? But she helped me get out of the shirt and sure enough, there was the centipede.
    It was sooooo hard to go back downstairs and finish that paper.....though I did get an A on it.
    And when I wrote Dh the story, his response was lucky centipede. Which was pretty funny for him to say that because he is generally a pretty shy guy and not forward.

    Jennifer, 35, DH 36

  11. #43661
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    LOl, Jennifer! Too funny about the centipede.
    Me (39) DH (46) & furbabies * m/c 7/08 4/12 11/12

  12. #43662

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    I have no traumatic spider stories, but I don't like them. I think it was Mandy who said she can handle them in their own territory--I'm that way too. We had three fairly big ones (probably the size of a quarter) living on the outside of our house over the summer and it was interesting to watch them--from inside the house.

  13. #43663
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    We don't have a huge issue with them in the house right now....I mean we get some once in a while but not usually a big deal. Expect even DH got freaked out last year when he was on the laptop at the counter in the kitchen....and a big fat hairy one busted out of the socket for a landline. One of those that are kind of fast and aggressive. Creeped him out.

    Jennifer, 35, DH 36

  14. #43664

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    (shudder) Yeah. Mostly we get little ones or daddy long legs that just chill out in the corner and don't really move. There was the time I was taking a bath and a little one dropped down on a thread in front of me, but that was strangely cute. And a little perverted.

  15. #43665
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    Quote Originally Posted by daylilies View Post
    (shudder) Yeah. Mostly we get little ones or daddy long legs that just chill out in the corner and don't really move. There was the time I was taking a bath and a little one dropped down on a thread in front of me, but that was strangely cute. And a little perverted.
    You crack me up!

    Why did I just think of Little Miss Muffet?
    Me (39) DH (46) & furbabies * m/c 7/08 4/12 11/12

  16. #43666

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    Ha! Perv spider.

  17. #43667
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    Pervy spiders are the worst! I'm fine with any bug or animal when they are outside, but if they come in to my house uninvited, they are asking for trouble.

    There is a radiow program that I listen to on the way to school every morning and on Wednesdays they play a game where they have a celebrity guest prank call one of their contacts from their cell phone. Today's guest was some young girl from a soap opera and she called her friend, pretending to freak out over a badger being in her hotel room. The DJ was in the background making weird noises and her friend actually believed her and thought his noises was the badger. She was freaking out. I laughed so much, which was very much needed because today was one of those stereotypical English winter days. Very grey, wet and cold.

    I should log off and go to bed now. I have a feeling I'll be up in a bit with Travis. I'm sure y'all saw on FB he has a perforated ear drum. I am so tired. Going to school, doing some teaching and doing hundreds of college tasks/reading as well is so tiring! And doing it all in this drab weather is a little depressing. I need a vacation!

    Hugs to you, Janet. I'm sorry things didn't work out this time.

  18. #43668
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    Ash, come on over! Lisbon is warm and dry and sunny!

    Probably won't have internet once we get to Lisbon. That would suck. I'm reading all, not writing much. Hugs to Janet, Mandy, and Jennifer. You guys have dealt with more crap than most do in a lifetime.

    Jennifer, that's very cute, what Tony said. Made me 'Awwww'.

  19. #43669

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    Hugs, Janet. And Mandy and Jennifer. I'm so sorry for everything you've gone through and continue to go through. You are three strong women.

    Janet, if we can manage it time-wise we'd love to go on a tarantula hike with you! The next few weeks are crazy busy, though. Maybe we could fit in a late afternoon weekday! DD had her wisdom teeth out yesterday (all four, impacted, general anesthesia, whole shebang) and she is swollen, can't eat, and in a lot of pain. So I'll be nursemaid for the next few days at least and hopefully recuperate a little over the weekend (last night I had to set my phone alarm for every 1.5 hours to stagger her pain meds, help her with pillows, etc... yawn). Noe has a birthday party to attend on the 6th. Then next weekend we'll be at the river to take the boat back to the marina for the winter. The weekend after that one day will be at our traditional pumpkin patch on the coast, but Noe's bday party is the 26th and we still have only half of the garage remodeled and DD's room in shambles waiting for me to paint it. If I get even half our house together for her bday, it will be a miracle. It's a good thing our friends don't expect perfection.
    -- mom to DD1 1/98 and DD2 10/09


  20. #43670
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    Poor dd.....wisdom teeth suck.


    Suja.....have fun and I hope you share some pics when you get back!

    Jennifer, 35, DH 36

  21. #43671

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    I had all of my wisdom teeth taken out when I was a teenager too. It's much better that way-teens recover much quicker as I'm sure you know.
    Do any of you know someone who did Lasik surgery recently? DH is getting it done soon and he's worried about the down time during which he can't see, and the slim possibility of going blind, since pretty much everything he does requires sight.

  22. #43672

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    Thank you all, always. But, enough of that whining. Now it's time to whine about my baby's first birthday tomorrow! Maiya will be at school. I'm debating heading back to the cemetery we were at when I believe it all ended. It's a gorgeous cemetery, actually a good place to hang out. We had been hanging out there when I felt something change, and if I work out my hCG numbers, that's about when they stopped increasing at a healthy amount. Almost convenient that it happened there. It's also by my hospital, so I'm thinking that I'll swing by and get some forms from Maiya's doctor for her school anyway!

    Would it be weird if we did something? I'm thinking about getting ice cream with Maiya after school, but not telling her why. Just to do something, make the day a little happy. She knows about the baby, but I don't think she needs to be remembering him like this. I don't know.

    ANYWAY. Enough depressing stuff, sheesh.

    Let's talk pervy spiders, that so much more entertaining! Seriously, though, bugs can be so creepy. Perfect discussion for Halloween time! I've always loved that the tarantula migration occurs in October. Great timing!

    Speaking of... Gretchen, what weekday evening were you thinking? It's getting late in the season, so we can't put it off too long. Maiya would LOVE to go out with Noe! I'd like company too. I was actually thinking of this coming Monday after she gets out of school at 12:30. They don't feed her very filling food, so we'll probably have to get more to eat and then head up. Which is better, anyway, since they come out more in the evenings.

    But I know what you mean about being so busy. When our crazy summer stuff was finally over (as of 9/15), I thought "FINALLY! I have no plans AT ALL!!!" Psh, that lasted like, 2 days. Next thing I knew, I had not only plans, but more plans than I could fit in for EVERY weekend through Halloween. And I wanted free time to go do all the fun Halloween stuff! How will I make it all work?? Maybe it's a good thing I only have one kid, I have no idea how I'd handle another kid's worth of stuff to do.

    Ugh, cold, wet England. Not sure I can handle it! You know the book / play / movie The Woman in Black? That's the one we just did at our theater, and since I was crewing, I was there fairly often. They go in to great detail about the fog, and mist, and wetness and dampness. Ah, makes me really want to visit! If you need a break, come visit us in CA.

    And poor Travis! Owie... Hope he heals quickly.

    I'm another that had all my wisdom teeth out as a teen. My mouth is way too small anyway, no way could those 4 giant teeth squish in there. I really needed braces and stuff as a kid, but my parents never went through with it, because *I* didn't want to. What's a 10 year old know, anyway?? Wish they'd made me!!

    I know of a few people that have had Lasix done, but not close people, so while I know it went "well" and they were happy with it, I do not know those types of details. Hope time goes quickly for him and it's done and over before he knows it, and everything is fine!



  23. #43673
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    Kate, I do know someone who had lasik a couple of years ago and had a not-so-great experience. They did her left eye wrong and it needed to be re-done. Then it was dry and she had difficulty viewing a computer screen for long stretches of time for quite a while - a year or so, at least - after the surgery. But I know others who have had it done and say it was the best thing they ever did. I think complications are fairly rare.
    Me (39) DH (46) & furbabies * m/c 7/08 4/12 11/12

  24. #43674
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    Janet, big hugs again. I haven't chosen to celebrate birthdays/milestones, but I'm still aware of them when they pass. If it helps you to celebrate, go ahead and do something special. I agree that I wouldn't explain the why to Maiya, though. Just enjoy something special with her out of the blue.
    Me (39) DH (46) & furbabies * m/c 7/08 4/12 11/12

  25. #43675
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    O.M.G. Really. (And L, I thought of you immediately). Dinosaur erotica: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/ar...r-erotica.html
    Me (39) DH (46) & furbabies * m/c 7/08 4/12 11/12

  26. #43676

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    Yes, I haven't wanted to celebrate either, it's more like I try to distract myself. Last year, on my due date, I took Maiya out to the Academy of Sciences. It's a bit of a drive, so not somewhere we go hardly ever. In fact, that's the only time she's been there! She didn't know why then, either. If she wasn't in school, I'd do something similar again, but since she is, we won't have time. Especially since, right after dinner, we have playgroup. No time! That's why I'm thinking ice cream... Just because. It just feels too much like celebrating. I dunno.

    Though, now I've talked myself in to wanting ice cream! I've been eating pretty healthy, mostly for Maiya's sake, and now that I'm trying to look on the bright side and tell myself "I can eat what I want!" I find myself wanting to eat a lot more junk. Oops... I'm trying to eat healthy for Maiya's sake, me giving up STC shouldn't affect it at all! I'm so weird...

    Still... Anyone got some ice cream???



  27. #43677
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    Mmm. Ice cream.
    Me (39) DH (46) & furbabies * m/c 7/08 4/12 11/12

  28. #43678

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    Right???

    Now I want something really junky. Maybe like, an ice cream sundae. With extra hot fudge. Mmm....



  29. #43679
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    I can have an ice cream in your honor, if you like! LOL.
    Me (39) DH (46) & furbabies * m/c 7/08 4/12 11/12

  30. #43680

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    Oh... What kind of ice cream? I'm trying to sweet talk hubby in to getting me something really awful.



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