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Thread: Secular Confessions

  1. #42811
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    Myles....congrats on the new car. I remember you talking about having a hard time deciding. That is interesting how you think about decisions or taking action. In a way it remembers me of my DH. He is sooooo slow to decide things or take action...it was why it took so long to get married, get another dog, get a house. I have to warm him up to big changes or things.
    Actually it is the reason why I was talking to him about dogs now. It's a way for him to know that I will want a new dog and get him used to the idea. Cosmo will be 10 in less than two months and I really really really hope she's got five more good years left. But yeah I obsess on if she's limping or walking stiff and she's on three medications. Though she's lost over 3 lbs and I'm hoping for maybe 2 more....so hopefully that helps her. And I really notice all the new white in her face....her face used to be mostly black.
    I just know me and I found when we first started waiting for a baby that having Molly as distraction was fantastic. I try hard to focus on the positive instead of negative....so like to think in terms of someday new puppy vs someday lose Cosmo.

    Jennifer, 35, DH 36

  2. #42812
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    Quote Originally Posted by demigraf View Post

    Chrissy, I feel like I'm repeating myself here too, but with regards to your situation, sometimes it's hard to know what to do because you don't have enough data ...yet. And you can say to yourself, "I'm fine doing nothing right now. I can sit back and observe. And I'll know what to do when the next step is obvious to me." Sometimes it's a difficult decision because you don't have all the information you need yet to act decisively. I often take an overly long time to take action, and it drives people crazy who are watching me agonize over something that may seem obvious to them, but I will say that when I finally do make a big decision, I'm always glad I waited because I have some critical factor I need to move forward without doubt. Recent examples of this include finally buying a car after 9 months of shopping around for one and putting an end to those intense letters I was getting from that guy. My point is, when the time comes to act, it'll feel right to you because it will feel like there were no other options that came close to that one.
    This makes sense, and it's something that I tell myself as well. I guess my fear is that perhaps I hang on too long. I know there were clear red flags 5-6 years before I actually moved out but I held on anyway. The last 2 years were complete misery. It sorta snuck up on me though...when things first started falling apart, they were big at the time but nothing that clued me in to the fact that we were doomed. Maybe I'm dense. Maybe sometimes these things start out small and snowball. But my fear is wasting another 2 years being clueless I'm in a doomed relationship.

    Not that I have any thoughts/feelings like that now with John, but like I said I wasn't thinking/feeling like Rich & I were doomed when things took a turn for the worst. I do remind myself that when things started going south, we had nearly 16 years in and a 4th child on the way. I had to think about the kids and not be selfish. With John, I do give myself permission to be selfish and won't hang on that long. I don't think. :/

    Not really expecting any answers, but just spelling out some of my circular thinking.

    Mama to Bobbie 20 ~ Jesi 18 ~ Syd 14 ~ Conner 6
    I'm gonna be a Gramama! Jesi is due 11/22/13


  3. #42813
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    We talked. I'm going to try to get back into my garden, and my volunteer work, two things that make me happy that have fallen by the wayside. He is going to rebuild his relationship with Mira, so he can take her off my hands long enough for me to actually do that stuff. Right now, she will only be where I am, go where I am, to the point where I can't even go to the bathroom by myself, even with DH in the house. That will have to change.

  4. #42814
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    It's never too late for new beginnings. Good luck Suja & family! I think it sounds like a great plan. You are still you, even after being a Mommy.

    Mama to Bobbie 20 ~ Jesi 18 ~ Syd 14 ~ Conner 6
    I'm gonna be a Gramama! Jesi is due 11/22/13


  5. #42815
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    Quote Originally Posted by Suja View Post
    We talked. I'm going to try to get back into my garden, and my volunteer work, two things that make me happy that have fallen by the wayside. He is going to rebuild his relationship with Mira, so he can take her off my hands long enough for me to actually do that stuff. Right now, she will only be where I am, go where I am, to the point where I can't even go to the bathroom by myself, even with DH in the house. That will have to change.
    That sounds great! I think it is important that we (parents) still have things that we do because WE want too.

    Things are a little crazy, but I'm loving every minute of it My Blog


  6. #42816
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    Quote Originally Posted by missychrissy View Post
    This makes sense, and it's something that I tell myself as well. I guess my fear is that perhaps I hang on too long. I know there were clear red flags 5-6 years before I actually moved out but I held on anyway. The last 2 years were complete misery. It sorta snuck up on me though...when things first started falling apart, they were big at the time but nothing that clued me in to the fact that we were doomed. Maybe I'm dense. Maybe sometimes these things start out small and snowball. But my fear is wasting another 2 years being clueless I'm in a doomed relationship.

    Not that I have any thoughts/feelings like that now with John, but like I said I wasn't thinking/feeling like Rich & I were doomed when things took a turn for the worst. I do remind myself that when things started going south, we had nearly 16 years in and a 4th child on the way. I had to think about the kids and not be selfish. With John, I do give myself permission to be selfish and won't hang on that long. I don't think. :/

    Not really expecting any answers, but just spelling out some of my circular thinking.
    Chrissy, we all live and learn

    Things are a little crazy, but I'm loving every minute of it My Blog


  7. #42817
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    I have put in a volunteer app at the local shelter. Their commitment is only 6 hours a month for 6 months. If I didn't have a monkey attached to my behind constantly, that would be something I could do with one hand tied behind my back. They only screen apps every two months, and I missed the July cutoff, so I'll have to wait for that until September. I've been off again, on again with the Shepherd rescue. I guess I'll get back to doing home visits, evals, shelter pulls, and transports.

  8. #42818

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    That's awesome, Suja. I think some really positive things came out of that discussion.

    Chrissy, don't kick yourself for ignoring red flags in the past. Red flags are still just signs that something could potentially go wrong. They're not certain indicators of what's to come 100% of the time.

  9. #42819
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    Chrissy given the history with Rich and all the kids, I think that had you been quick to leave, you would always wondered what if and could it have worked if you had just done x or y.

    Suja....that sounds good. That is a fear of mine with a kid....that kid would want me all the time over DH. Mostly because it would really bother him. It bothers him how much Cosmo prefers me. Enough that I made strong effort to not bond as strong and hard and fast with Molly. If we were watching TV, I encouraged him to hold her while I held Cosmo. Or for a long time she was sleeping with him during the day but at night she was kenneled instead of sleeping with me. But really it was just a lot of encouraging them being together instead of my swooping in all the time. I'm actually kind of glad that nursing is not an option....this way DH can participate equally even in things like feeding our baby.

    Jennifer, 35, DH 36

  10. #42820
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    Quote Originally Posted by Cosmosmom View Post
    Chrissy given the history with Rich and all the kids, I think that had you been quick to leave, you would always wondered what if and could it have worked if you had just done x or y.
    You guys are right. Thank you.

    Mama to Bobbie 20 ~ Jesi 18 ~ Syd 14 ~ Conner 6
    I'm gonna be a Gramama! Jesi is due 11/22/13


  11. #42821
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    Of course we are Chrissy! Really though hindsight is always 20/20. It's easy to look back and see where maybe a different decision could have been made or maybe a different route taken. At any given time we can only take what we know right now and make a decision. Especially big decisions. And well sometimes small decisions. Example for me would be soda. I was off pop for over 18 months and just fine....really closer to 2 years. I decided to start drinking it again and it was a huge mistake. Exactly when I did that was when I stopped losing weight and started gaining it back. There is a reason I was supposed to not intake carbonated drinks and I am fairly sure that helped stretch things more than it should be. Still drinking it too. Would like to stop but man it's so yummy. And even though I drink diet, I keep reading that is just as bad as regular in terms of triggering hunger and metabolic syndrome. And yet I sit here with a freaking diet mt dew. Oh I do wish that I could go back and change that seemingly small decison to start having pop again.
    Last edited by Cosmosmom; 07-15-2013 at 12:35 PM.

    Jennifer, 35, DH 36

  12. #42822
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    I think, generally speaking, kids go through phases of who they want 'more'. Right now, for us, it is me. I think it is mostly because I am pregnant and it does upset DH, but honestly I think it is good for him. It's forced him to be a more active participant with Nolan and to include him in things in a more conscious manner.

    Things are a little crazy, but I'm loving every minute of it My Blog


  13. #42823

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    Just checking in here. My computer crashed at home and I just haven't bought a new one and this site is not easily navigable (is that a word? probably not but who cares) on my Kindle Fire. So I mostly stick to lurking you all out on FB, those who are friends. I am going to try to get a new computer before school starts - which is WAY too soon as school starts here on 8/5/13. It seems like the summer just started. I am dreading this upcoming school year as I will be switching Elle's school to our state Pre-K so I don't have to pay full tuition for her at her current school. She is sad to be leaving, but most of her friends aged out of her class since they are going to kindergarten anyway and she has been sad about them being able to go to kindergarten and how she can't go to "big school." She will have to wait another year. So this year will be hectic for us as her new school will be out of the way versus her current school so we will have a hellish commute.

  14. #42824
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    3andMe is offline Every day is a gift. It's just... does it have to be a pair of socks? Hopelessly Devoted
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    I navigate on my Kindle Fire just fine. That's really weird. I just hate typing on anything that's not a real keyboard.


  15. #42825
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    Erin! Heeey! That's glad that you mention going back to school; we're only just getting out this week! We get 6 weeks off and go back in September.

    I thought I'd log on to the laptop and catch up while I can. I was thinking of watching my cool zombie French show "The Returned" while I typed this, but I realized that I have to actually stare at the screen and concentrate when I watch that show since I don't speak French and have to read the subtitles! If any of y'all are looking for a cool show to watch, this is an excellent show. It's not like zombies like that eat your brain, but more about people who have been ressurected from the dead for no apparent reason...it's really creepy and cool. It's original title is Les Revenants.

    I'm sorry I'm never good at dishing out the relationship advice, ladies. I was just talking to Rich last night about how I feel like a kid when I'm around most people when they are talking about relationships because I am so inexperienced. I can't relate to a lot of the issues...and for the longest time, my view on life has been black and white. It's only been in the past few years since having kids that I feel like my eyes have opened to see the grey areas that have always been there (but that I've failed to see because I like things to be in their little good/bad boxes).

    I am really starting to feel very sad about leaving my job to start this course. This is my last week. It's funny that this time last year I was upset because I was thinking about going back to work and now I'm upset about leaving work. I have made such good friends at work and my job has never felt like 'work.' I love what I do and feel so fulfilled by it.

  16. #42826
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    Quote Originally Posted by 3andMe View Post
    I navigate on my Kindle Fire just fine. That's really weird. I just hate typing on anything that's not a real keyboard.
    I navigate fine on my phone, but I'm the same about needing a keyboard...and I hate autocorrect!

  17. #42827

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    Ash, hugs for feeling sad about leaving your current job. I know you're doing it for something else that's great around the corner. But change isn't always easy, especially when you're walking away from something you enjoyed. You can always find your way back there, if anything.

    Erin, saving in tuition will be worth it, and Elle is gonna thrive in her new pre-K. With her little personality? Don't even doubt it!

    Bodhi seems to want me and DH close to 50/50. DH is more fun, more hands-on. But I'm the lenient one. And of course, I'm mommy. So it goes something like... daddy=good time/mommy=comfort.

  18. #42828

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    Myles, that ratio is pretty much exactly how it works in our family, too. DH is so much more fun than I am, so she just loves spending time with him... but when it comes to booboos or toothbrushing or middle of the night cuddles, I'm the preferred parent. And like pp said above, I also think kids go through phases. For a while it seemed like DH was Noe's bright shining star, and I was the drudge. But just lately she's been wanting me more. So I think it swings around according to age and needs.

    Suja, I'm sorry you're feeling like a pruny, bitter crone. And I totally get it. It can be really easy to get into a funk when you're not doing anything that really feeds your soul. I'm so glad you've taken some steps in talking to dh and starting back into volunteer work. I've been in that funky space too for quite a while, but I'm looking at taking some steps as well. I'd love to hear more about what everyone else does to feel fulfilled.
    -- mom to DD1 1/98 and DD2 10/09


  19. #42829
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    Hmm, maybe I am kind of simple but I don't really do anything I think to feel fulfilled and it's not something I seek out. It's just not a need or urge I have or something I think about. I'm much more inclined to seek out happiness and that tends to be things like hanging out with DH, the dogs, watching TV, reading, being with family, doing things to the house or around the house.
    At work I get satisfaction when I help someone find exactly what they were looking for....I especially enjoy helping patients and nurses.

    Jennifer, 35, DH 36

  20. #42830
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    I think I've mentioned it before, but I am, for all practical purposes, a single parent. Mira will not do anything with DH that doesn't involve me. I think the reason is that he is so busy conquering the world, he is always distracted when he is with her, and not really listening/paying attention. Their interaction is often such that she'll go 'Daddy, daddy, daddy, daddy... DADDY' and then he'll respond, and chide her for raising her voice with him. He loves her to pieces, but does not have time for her. He shows his love by working like a dog and making oodles of money, when he would do so much better to come home at a decent hour, turning off the iPhone, and just spending an hour playing with her. The other problem is that he is quite strong willed, and tries to get her to do stuff HIS way, even stupid **** that doesn't matter at all in the grand scheme of things, and you know how well that's likely to go. He gets frustrated because a 3 year old is totally thwarting him, and she is frustrated because he makes mountains out of molehills.

    When he does shut out the outside and focuses on her, he is a wonderful playmate. He has a great imagination, and tells amazing stories. He is totally willing to get silly and goofy. It's just that he doesn't do it often enough.

    It's weird that Mira's horoscope says (not that I believe any of it) that she will have an especially close relationship with her mom, and a contentious one with her dad. So far, that's true.

  21. #42831
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    Quote Originally Posted by Smplyme89 View Post
    Mandy my heart aches for you and I can’t help wishing that there was something ‘real’ that I could do for you. Anything. Adoption is beautiful and we talked about it extensively. My husband was also resistant to foster-to-adopt which would have been the only way (money wise) we would have been able to adopt.

    A part of me feels really guilty about this pregnancy. It sounds horrible, but it’s true. Going from thinking I would never have kids, to lucking out getting pregnant with Nolan on Clomid, and than jumping to a whoops pregnancy has been hard for me to accept, especially knowing so many mamas who have/are still struggling
    Please, please don't feel guilty. We all live our own lives and I know you are such a fabulous mama to Nolan that I am happy for you and your new little one, planned or no. Pregnant or not pregnant, that doesn't change my situation. Appreciate what you have and that will make me happy. I know you have struggled.

    Quote Originally Posted by Suja View Post
    We talked. I'm going to try to get back into my garden, and my volunteer work, two things that make me happy that have fallen by the wayside. He is going to rebuild his relationship with Mira, so he can take her off my hands long enough for me to actually do that stuff. Right now, she will only be where I am, go where I am, to the point where I can't even go to the bathroom by myself, even with DH in the house. That will have to change.
    I'm so glad.

    Quote Originally Posted by AmeriBrit View Post
    Erin! Heeey! That's glad that you mention going back to school; we're only just getting out this week! We get 6 weeks off and go back in September.

    I thought I'd log on to the laptop and catch up while I can. I was thinking of watching my cool zombie French show "The Returned" while I typed this, but I realized that I have to actually stare at the screen and concentrate when I watch that show since I don't speak French and have to read the subtitles! If any of y'all are looking for a cool show to watch, this is an excellent show. It's not like zombies like that eat your brain, but more about people who have been ressurected from the dead for no apparent reason...it's really creepy and cool. It's original title is Les Revenants.

    I'm sorry I'm never good at dishing out the relationship advice, ladies. I was just talking to Rich last night about how I feel like a kid when I'm around most people when they are talking about relationships because I am so inexperienced. I can't relate to a lot of the issues...and for the longest time, my view on life has been black and white. It's only been in the past few years since having kids that I feel like my eyes have opened to see the grey areas that have always been there (but that I've failed to see because I like things to be in their little good/bad boxes).

    I am really starting to feel very sad about leaving my job to start this course. This is my last week. It's funny that this time last year I was upset because I was thinking about going back to work and now I'm upset about leaving work. I have made such good friends at work and my job has never felt like 'work.' I love what I do and feel so fulfilled by it.
    Eek! I actually go back two weeks from today. Positively dreading it. But I agree with you, it's fulfilling so it's not like going to work to flip burgers.

    That zombie show sounds good. Maybe I can catch up on my French while enjoying a good zombie show!

    Mylah, somehow I deleted your quote but DH mentioned that "Who Moved My Cheese?" to me years ago. LOL!
    Me (39) DH (46) & furbabies * m/c 7/08 4/12 11/12

  22. #42832
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    Aw Ash ((hugs)) It must be hard, especially since you're enjoying it so much.

    Mama to Bobbie 20 ~ Jesi 18 ~ Syd 14 ~ Conner 6
    I'm gonna be a Gramama! Jesi is due 11/22/13


  23. #42833
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    We have who moved my cheese in the library...and it still gets used. Another one we have is give em the pickle. Not that i have actually read either book....I read very little in our collection. LOL I'm so much a fiction reader. I have 20 pages left in the newest Dan Brown book......

    Jennifer, 35, DH 36

  24. #42834

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    Sigh. I am feeling sad and mad right now. We are taking a trip this summer and we had planned to stay with one of my besties from college who I haven't seen since maybe 1993 or so. She has a guest house that we could use. We sorted it out several months ago. Then I contacted her yesterday and she said that she lost track and accidentally scheduled her son's birthday party that one night we are supposed to stay there (we had actually agreed on TWO nights, but it seems she forgot that part too). We are welcome to come and stay but she can't really hang out with us because of the party and then the next day she has a funeral to go to in the morning so can't really hang out then either. DH is saying I should feel so upset about it, but I feel as big as a flea right now. If the situation were reversed, I would have at least put in in my calendar! I don't want to stay there because I feel like we would be a burden and I don't want to not stay there because then I feel like I would look like I was being *****y and nit-picky and self-important because she isn't making time to see me. We were supposed to spend two nights there, then drive to a town about two hours away to have lunch with her sister who was also a good friend in college. Now that will have to be moved to a different day if we do it at all - because at this point I haven't heard from the sister at all. Ugh. It's all a mess.

    So I don't know what to do at this point. If we do stay there, I will feel pretty uncomfortable the whole time and will want to leave ASAP because I don't want to be a burden. If we don't, then I will have a really hard time thinking of us as friends anymore because she didn't bother to put me in the calendar. I know I am probably over-reacting and will wait to respond until tomorrow, but my feelings are really hurt right now.

    "Any idiot can face a crisis; it is this day-to-day living that wears you out." -Anton Chekhov


  25. #42835
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    Can't blame you. I'd just send a note saying that you are sorry for her loss, it seems like she has a lot going on, and that you hope to catch up next time you're in town.

  26. #42836

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    I would also do.as Suja said and I would be upset too! It should be a big deal to have an old friend come to stay with you! Not something to slip your mind. I am sorry you are hurt and justifiably so.

    I am going to sound like a sh!t but I have really found myself in parenting. It is fulfilling for me. I did not really care much about much outside of when the next party was, until I had kids. I am, like Suja, pretty much parenting alone. I used to feel angry about that but not anymore. Instead I sort of immersed myself in it. Not that I would mind having a night out with my girlfriends, mind you. But it's not in the cards right now so I just keep telling myself that I will have time for that when my kids are older.

    I am about ready to scream at some of the things a cousin of mine is posting on fb today. George Zimmerman guilty/not guilty aside, that boy was a CHILD. I don't see how people can be so heartless and brainwashed.

    It is SO hot! My thermostat reads 86. Savana and Kai came up as a United front wanting to sleep with me because of creepy thought. Uh...not in this heat. I will sit on the floor below your loft bed until you fall asleep.
    Last edited by Bridget; 07-15-2013 at 09:28 PM.

  27. #42837
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    Kate, I would be hurt and upset, too. I agree with what Suja suggested.
    Me (39) DH (46) & furbabies * m/c 7/08 4/12 11/12

  28. #42838
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    I would be upset too. I mean a funeral is one thing....kind of hard to plan those, you know? They always come up at the worst times. But the rest of it, yeah it would bother me and I think I might rework my trip.

    Bridget, I could have said that you would say that! It's obvious to everyone I think that being a mom is really fulfilling to you. I mean at least yours makes sense. I felt kind of shallow...um yeah I don't really think about being fulfilled...I just like to play with my dogs and watch TV and buy stuff for the house. In college I was all about thinking deep thoughts and being all academic....I mean I was a philosophy major for crying out loud. Now, I just want to read fun stuff like James Patterson books and watch Dexter and a bit of reality TV.

    I haven't followed the case that closely but wasn't surprised since most people on TV seemed to think based on law it would be what it was Sunday. I'm just glad to be on the jury...in some many cases, I think I would have a hard time convicting unless it was flat out 100% obvious and I think that is rare in court cases. 17 is a hard age because in some ways a child and minor...and in many other ways not.

    OMG Bridget, do you not have air conditioning? I have it at 71 inside and am still somewhat warm in a tank and capri pj's. I'm just crossing my fingers for some rain but not bad storms because my grass is looking awful even with sprinkling over the weekend.

    Jennifer, 35, DH 36

  29. #42839

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    Well she just pm'ed me her number and wants me to call her tomorrow so we can "figure something out." So now it will just be awkward no matter what.

    "Any idiot can face a crisis; it is this day-to-day living that wears you out." -Anton Chekhov


  30. #42840
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    Bridget, no AC? Our temps are supposed to hover around 100 by mid week. Mira has been yelling at me to make the sun go away already, and we haven't even reached it just yet!

    I am really fortunate in that most of my friends and family are like minded. Where we differ, we can at least talk about stuff like grown ups. I wouldn't hesitate to unfriend people over stuff like that.

    It's no secret that I don't find parenting to be inherently rewarding. No instant gratification, that's the problem, and sometimes, no gratification, period.

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