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Thread: Secular Confessions

  1. #42781
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    Quote Originally Posted by AmeriBrit View Post
    I'm so sorry, Mandy! I wish I could say something that would be helpful to you. Have you mentioned before that your dh isn't interested in adoption? What about fostering?

    And I'm sorry you're suffering as well, Janet. Mc are so very hard to move on from. I had 2 between having the boys.
    We've talked about adoption. The problem is the expense. Private adoption is more expensive than one IVF cycle, and we can't afford that, either or we would have done it already. So that isn't an option any point in the near future. The only way that makes sense to me is foster adoption, and DH says flat out he isn't willing to foster. Adoption, yes, but he doesn't want to have to give a child back.

    I was reading up on adoption and for some reason DH has latched onto adopting from China. From what I have read that's the most expensive, most red tape, and longest route to adoption possible. I was trying to explain to him that it would be a 4-6 year wait for a child with Chinese adoption and we'd need to get the money first. He estimated it would be 2-4 years until we could save the money and I pointed out that would be essentially an 8-10 year wait for a child going that route and he didn't even seem to understand why I was upset by that. That just isn't the way to go and I can't make him listen to why it makes more sense to foster-adopt.
    Me (40) DH (47) & furbabies * m/c 7/08 4/12 11/12

  2. #42782

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    I'm sorry, Mandy.

    "Any idiot can face a crisis; it is this day-to-day living that wears you out." -Anton Chekhov


  3. #42783

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    Quote Originally Posted by Gwenn View Post
    Chrissy, I think it's interesting you said that about Rich. Honestly, when you were talking about your most recent argument with John my private thought was that because Rich basically let you do all the thinking for your relationship, and because you were with him from such a young age, you haven't had to practice/learn the art of negotiation with an adult male. Because it is an art and there is a technique to it. I agree with Bridget - enjoy what is good and let it work itself out. You will both learn what works for each other, and it will get better over time.

    That sounds rather critical, but it's critical of Rich, not you.
    I wholeheartedly agree with this. I mean, let's be honest, just the other day I had to bribe my DH to do something with telling him I'd cook him the pound of bacon that was in the fridge. Granted, that was a one time thing, but saying that there's a technique to handling men is 100% accurate.

    Quote Originally Posted by Bridget View Post
    Welcome back, Elly ( do we call you Elly?) Nice to see you here.
    Thanks! Yeah, I go by Elly. I'm here pretty sporadically. I try to keep up, but I've been having a bit of a rough time lately.

  4. #42784
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    We talk a lot, Elly. First rule of this thread is that we all know nobody can keep up with everything that happens in here.
    Me (40) DH (47) & furbabies * m/c 7/08 4/12 11/12

  5. #42785

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    I myself am SCUBJIA (which is our acronym for still catching up but jumping in anyway!).

    Mandy, I'm sorry

    Myles, what you said about loving correctly really spoke to me. I wish I felt that way about DH. It was kind of what I imagined marriage would be, but as the things we don't see eye to eye added up, I kind of lost hope for that dream.

  6. #42786

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    haha, glad to know it's not just me! Though now that I can actually move again, hopefully it'll be a little easier being able to check more frequently.

  7. #42787
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    Quote Originally Posted by Bridget View Post
    So cool that Noe got to go and dh is being thoughtful about your concerns. It is comforting when a person understands your worries instead of poo pooing them. And are you getting to relax?

    Chrissy, if I had any one bit of advice it would be to try not to over think everything. In the end, the two of you may part ways but for now just try to enjoy what's good and let the rest work itself out as it will. Seems silly to end it all just to avoid it ending later. BUT I am no expert on relationships.
    John has gently accused me of over thinking things. I think it's very wise advice Bridget. Thank you.

    Quote Originally Posted by Gwenn View Post
    Chrissy, I think it's interesting you said that about Rich. Honestly, when you were talking about your most recent argument with John my private thought was that because Rich basically let you do all the thinking for your relationship, and because you were with him from such a young age, you haven't had to practice/learn the art of negotiation with an adult male. Because it is an art and there is a technique to it. I agree with Bridget - enjoy what is good and let it work itself out. You will both learn what works for each other, and it will get better over time.

    That sounds rather critical, but it's critical of Rich, not you.
    I didn't think it sounded critical at all, and it makes sense. Thanks. I'm going to have to sticky these and refer back to them when I start feeling like a crazy b!tch.

    Quote Originally Posted by Gwenn View Post


    I don't know if I need to say it, or not.

    I just feel like I'm turning 40 and without the chance to raise a family ... what happens? It all seems so empty. Work is work. I really do love my job but I that can't be the only thing in my life.

    I know the appropriate response is that I need to find something new but really, there is nothing out there that will satisfy that place of raising a family. Like taking up a new hobby is going to be a compensation?

    And I see lots of children. It's not like I don't have kids to interact with on a regular basis. Offering to babysit or spending more time with children isn't the answer, either ... because I already do. It isn't the same when they aren't your kids. Even spending time with my niece and nephews ... they are family, but they aren't my kids.
    This just hurts my heart so much. I wish one of us could help in a real way.

    Quote Originally Posted by Gwenn View Post
    We've talked about adoption. The problem is the expense. Private adoption is more expensive than one IVF cycle, and we can't afford that, either or we would have done it already. So that isn't an option any point in the near future. The only way that makes sense to me is foster adoption, and DH says flat out he isn't willing to foster. Adoption, yes, but he doesn't want to have to give a child back.

    I was reading up on adoption and for some reason DH has latched onto adopting from China. From what I have read that's the most expensive, most red tape, and longest route to adoption possible. I was trying to explain to him that it would be a 4-6 year wait for a child with Chinese adoption and we'd need to get the money first. He estimated it would be 2-4 years until we could save the money and I pointed out that would be essentially an 8-10 year wait for a child going that route and he didn't even seem to understand why I was upset by that. That just isn't the way to go and I can't make him listen to why it makes more sense to foster-adopt.
    What about other international adoption options? Don't ask me why, but I went through a whole bunch of sites on this topic and some countries have a lot of resources, less stringent rules, and are much easier to work with. Although foster-adopting is also a wonderful option. I can see where it could be an extremely painful approach though. It takes so much to take away a natural parent's rights, and the risk of losing the kids back to their bio parents is very real. What a hard, difficult position to be in.

    Quote Originally Posted by EllyD14 View Post
    haha, glad to know it's not just me! Though now that I can actually move again, hopefully it'll be a little easier being able to check more frequently.
    Nah, it's not just you. I'm a post ho & barely know what's going on around here. j/k--I do read up on everything but all of us have periods where we simply cannot respond to everything. What I love most about this group is we're all forgiving when someone has to disappear for a while, and accepting when they jump back in. We've all been through some very, very heavy heartbreaking things and there's always enough available to be there for support. It really warms my heart and I don't know where I'd be today without this group of women. They really rock.

    Mama to Bobbie 20 ~ Jesi 18 ~ Syd 14 ~ Conner 6
    I'm gonna be a Gramama! Jesi is due 11/22/13


  8. #42788
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    Quote Originally Posted by missychrissy View Post
    What about other international adoption options? Don't ask me why, but I went through a whole bunch of sites on this topic and some countries have a lot of resources, less stringent rules, and are much easier to work with. Although foster-adopting is also a wonderful option. I can see where it could be an extremely painful approach though. It takes so much to take away a natural parent's rights, and the risk of losing the kids back to their bio parents is very real. What a hard, difficult position to be in.
    There are definitely cheaper and easier countries to adopt from out there, that is for certain, but you aren't going to spend less than $20,000 even at the cheapest when you consider legal fees, cost of flying to/from the country, etc. I can do IVF for $10K - half the price. And I certainly don't want to stumble into a situation like those Liberian adoptions I read about that were too unregulated and cheap. If you are going to do it, you need to do it legitimately and spend the money. This isn't a place to cut corners, unfortunately. It's someone's child.

    The only other option is a private adoption if someone I knew just happened to have a baby and was totally comfortable with giving it to me. I'm not looking for a situation like that, but if one came down the road you basically would just need to pay the court fees and move on in most cases. Seeking out a situation like that, however, can get very expensive because you are going to spend money to advertise and offer to pay for the mother's medical care, etc ... it's one of those once in a blue moon situations and it's not something I'm going to ever plan on.
    Me (40) DH (47) & furbabies * m/c 7/08 4/12 11/12

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    Quote Originally Posted by daylilies View Post
    I myself am SCUBJIA (which is our acronym for still catching up but jumping in anyway!).

    Mandy, I'm sorry

    Myles, what you said about loving correctly really spoke to me. I wish I felt that way about DH. It was kind of what I imagined marriage would be, but as the things we don't see eye to eye added up, I kind of lost hope for that dream.
    I wonder if very many people have a relationship like that, to be honest. In my case - I love DH very much and there are many things I admire about him, but at the same time there are lots and lots of places we don't see eye to eye and if I had set out to find my "dream" guy who met a set of X criteria, I would never have found him. I don't think most people find a mate who fulfills all their "wants" although maybe I'm wrong. There is a lot of give and take in a real relationship. Ayn Rand may have said that, but I wonder if she truly lived it or if that was just part of her ideology and how she felt the world should be?
    Me (40) DH (47) & furbabies * m/c 7/08 4/12 11/12

  10. #42790
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    First Chrissy...I hope that you work things out. I get that...the first two years I was with DH dating, he did whatever I wanted. I thought that we were just that in synch. Suddenly he was like, no I would rather see that other movie and voicing his opinion and thoughts. I was like OMG. Definitely took some time to work that one out.....and we still butt heads at times even though I would say we are mostly in synch on most things.

    Now Mandy, I get that, I would NOT do foster adoption even though that was how my family got my cousins. But there are thousands of kids who are already legally terminated in the foster system that needs homes. In those cases, reunificaiton with the bio family isn't an option and it would be much less risky for the heart. I didn't consider that because I wanted a baby. And we don't feel qualified to really hand too much in the way of special needs.
    Ok as for China....you could consider the special needs program. My understanding is that they have a lot of kids there and it's a much shorter wait. And many of the special needs aren't really any big deal and often things easily corrected. I didn't consider China much at all because I'm too fat. They put a BMI limit on adoptive parents and I'm over that...my DH might be too.
    I wasn't too concerned about international adoption but I was also only looking at agencies that had established programs in a given country....even better if a Hague country. We started out thinking we were going international.
    As for the cost....the adoption credit helps big time....I suspect you are probably about the same or fairly close to us in income and that is the perfect income for the credit. We have already used part of it for the expenses we paid in 2011 and got that refunded this spring. Pretty much got back everything we have paid so far and have about 7K of the credit left. Depending on how many lawyers end up getting involved at the end, I am thinking that we might end up not paying that much more or about the same as a hospital birth given our high deductible.
    Now the whole adoption thing is for sure a major PITA. It's hard waiting for someone to like you enough to pick you and get all the stuff together. And we know it most likely would be an open adoption where will have some kind of relationship with the birth mom and maybe birth family.

    But I totally get it. I asked if he would be happy at 55 or 60 if we never had a kid or if he would regret it. he thought he would be fine....me not so much. I think it kind of feels like, what is the point of everything if we just end up alone at the end. One of us will die first and the other is alone. And we don't have anyone to leave our money and stuff too. I might not have a choice and have to learn to be ok with it if nobody ever picks us before DH gets done with waiting. But right now the idea of no kid ever....feels awfully empty.

    Jennifer, 35, DH 36

  11. #42791

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    Yeah, I think I had a very romanticized vision of marriage in my head, which is kind of odd since my parents got divorced when I was 16. I really wanted companionship, someone I could look up to and feel connected to, and talk to about things and who'd just hold me when I needed to cry and always say the right thing. Someone who'd be upset with himself if he did something to hurt me and actually learn from it instead of calling me too sensitive. I know now that some of those things are unrealistic but I still dream of the things I feel should be part of a healthy relationship.

  12. #42792
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    That's exactly it, Jennifer ... exactly it. What is the point? I'm turning 40. If I live to be 80, which many people live that long and beyond, that's another whole lifetime of lonely, sterile holidays and just stuck at the same point in my life without any ability to move forward. It's difficult to comprehend.

    As far as special needs ... you know, maybe this will sound strange coming from me but it's what I do for a living. To me, adopting a "special needs" child (and I know the severity can vary considerably - some are relatively minor) is like taking work home with me. I know too well what some parents' lives are like. Caring day in and day out for a child who physically attacks you while wondering who is going to care for him when you are gone. And sad as it may be there are times at work where I have said to G, "You know, I may not have kids, but at least I don't have that." Is that horrible? The truth hurts, I guess.

    I have had this argument with G more than once. Her son was born with a heart condition and there were many times in his childhood he could just as well have died as lived. He made it through everything and died very suddenly in his mid-20's, in the lobby of his favorite bar/club (Myles, the one attached to the hotel you stayed at downtown). She told me repeatedly that you can't guarantee a perfect child, that every child has the potential to have something go wrong with them and they could get hit by a car and have a brain injury even if you start with a perfect baby. But I just want the same chance every parent has, you know? I don't want to go into it from the start knowing there will be a problem. If it happened, I know I could deal with it - I don't believe I would terminate a pregnancy over a birth defect, or anything like that - but I want to sign up for the same things every other parent signs up for.

    That probably makes me a horrible person, but there it is.

    And as for the tax credit - the issue with a tax credit is you can only claim it once you've spent it. If you don't have the money up front, you don't have it. We don't have a chunk of money in savings - with DH not having worked full time in 5 years, our savings is pretty much nonexistant. We aren't in a place to save that much money quickly out of what I make, not without two incomes. And I have no credit - a loan is out of the question. So there you have it. The money isn't there. Yes, I have a good job with a comfortable income, and yes, I have health insurance and I could afford a child. And pregnancy would be covered under my insurance - I wouldn't have to pay for pregnancy care. But I can't afford the cost-up-front to pay for adoption or IVF. It burns when I go to work and I see family after family on welfare having baby after baby that they can't afford to raise. Their babies cost nothing.

    Wow, I'm ranty today. Is there anything offensive I haven't said? Let me know, I'm sure I can offend someone else.

    Seriously, though - while I'm on my soapbox I will add that I am SO offended that "women's rights" and "reproductive rights" in this country begin and end with abortion. What about people who WANT to reproduce? Don't they have a right to have a family, too? Apparently nobody cares about that. Apparently we can all "just adopt." I don't know what babies it is we're supposed to adopt - oh, yes, we're supposed to adopt teenagers out of foster care that have been neglected and abused for the last 15 years. That's right. Because infertility automatically means you are the right person to provide a good home to someone who has deal with years of neglect and abuse.

    Sorry ... I really am ranty today. Now back to my regularly scheduled, polite self who tries desperately not to say anything controversial.
    Me (40) DH (47) & furbabies * m/c 7/08 4/12 11/12

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    Quote Originally Posted by daylilies View Post
    Yeah, I think I had a very romanticized vision of marriage in my head, which is kind of odd since my parents got divorced when I was 16. I really wanted companionship, someone I could look up to and feel connected to, and talk to about things and who'd just hold me when I needed to cry and always say the right thing. Someone who'd be upset with himself if he did something to hurt me and actually learn from it instead of calling me too sensitive. I know now that some of those things are unrealistic but I still dream of the things I feel should be part of a healthy relationship.
    I don't have that, either.

    I think for guys, they have a hard time when they can't do something about a problem. DH has a hard time when I vent because he wants to know how I expect him to fix it. Sometimes you just want an ear to listen to you, you know?

    Like in my above post ... I'm feeling a little insecure about posting that. Yipes.
    Me (40) DH (47) & furbabies * m/c 7/08 4/12 11/12

  14. #42794
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    Mandy, I'm on my phone and can't say everything I want to say, but nothing you've said was offensive. You have a right to feel all those things. I get it- everything you said made sense to me. (( hugs))

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    I didn't see anything wrong with you said either. I actually feel the same way about pretty much all of it. In fact it bugs the crap out of me when I see people say oh I think we might adopt someday or anything else that makes adoption sound like an easy thing like deciding to buy a car or something. And I feel the same way about special needs. Some I can handle. Some I just would much rather not deal with and stay childless. I only mentioned the china special needs because their version is sometimes something as simple as needs glasses....the most common is cleft platte which I admit I know very little about but thought that is generally corrected with surgery. I just never looked that closely because I knew I didn't fit china's requirements.
    My DH would love an older child but neither us feel equipped to handle a lot of baggage. I mean even with dogs, we always went with puppies vs an older dog. I think it's wonderful that people resuce older dogs and kids....but it's not for us.

    That is for sure the downfall of the credit. I mean we paid that money in 2011 and didn't see any of it back until 2013 on the 2012 returns. I don't really know how most people pay for this. I think it used to be common to take out a home equity loan but that isn't an option for many people these days. Some people fundraise, some apply for grants, some borrow from family I guess. It's hard. In some ways it's sucked waiting almost two years but in some ways, it's been really helpful to have this waiting time to save. In 2011 we basically just had to cover the home study and application and first agency fees. The rest isn't due until we are placed. Some agencies encourage girls to go after a lot of help from the adoptive parents....ours doesn't and in WI limits the amount of money that can be paid to them. One of the biggest reasons we haven't looked outside the state.

    it really sucks to live one of the majority of the states that don't have any IF coverage in the insurance policies.

    Jennifer, 35, DH 36

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    Quote Originally Posted by daylilies View Post
    Yeah, I think I had a very romanticized vision of marriage in my head, which is kind of odd since my parents got divorced when I was 16. I really wanted companionship, someone I could look up to and feel connected to, and talk to about things and who'd just hold me when I needed to cry and always say the right thing. Someone who'd be upset with himself if he did something to hurt me and actually learn from it instead of calling me too sensitive. I know now that some of those things are unrealistic but I still dream of the things I feel should be part of a healthy relationship.
    I actually do have that much of the time.....and it still doesn't equal a perfect relationship. There are lots of things I wouldn't mind changing about mine....his temper, not being handy around the house, not being social, lack of confidence, being inflexible and not good with change. Sometimes disagreements start turning into what I call a hurt contest....trying to one up and see who is more hurt. He is very sensitive and I have to be pretty careful with that or he could get super hurt easily. And I agree with Mandy....even when it's a man like my DH who is awfully sensitive and good at listening.....still sometimes doesn't like to hear about problems that he cannot fix or do much about.

    Jennifer, 35, DH 36

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    I know cleft palate is common with Chinese adoptions but to be honest that's a pretty significant special need as far as I'm concerned. My cousin had a child with a cleft palate, and I've taken a course in it. It is corrected surgically, but it isn't one surgery, it's a series of surgeries throughout childhood. They have to wait for the bones to mature and grow in certain areas. My cousin was in and out of the hospital constantly growing up. And in the case of a botched surgery (which you hear about more commonly when the initial palate repair was done by a Chinese doctor) there can be major effects on speech. I've had a couple of cleft palate clients, one in particular who was a middle schooler and his speech was completely unintelligible. He had to communicate with his classmates by typing out what he wanted to say - all because of a poor palate repair. So that's a major special need and in his case a lifelong disability.

    Part of my problem is that I know too much about this stuff.

    Glasses, on the other hand ... most people I know wear glasses. But I would be curious about the extend of the vision loss for a child to be considered special needs. From what I understand the Chinese special needs adoption system sometimes makes conditions sound much less significant than they actually are. And if you don't have a good grasp of what the conditions are you can be led to believe something that simply isn't true (for example, that cleft palate is a simple fix and not a significant issue).

    Now, my cousin's son was a perfect surgery, perfect outcome, and he's grown into a wonderful young man. But his childhood was a major challenge, no doubt about it.
    Me (40) DH (47) & furbabies * m/c 7/08 4/12 11/12

  18. #42798
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    See that is what I was told....oh it's not a big deal and pretty easy to fix. Of course had I considered china I would have have researched it but never did.

    Jennifer, 35, DH 36

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    I've researched cleft lip/palate pretty extensively. I will say, that if I had to have a birth defect and I got to pick which one, I would probably choose cleft palate. Well, nix that, I would choose cleft lip only with no palatal involvement. But it is considered to be an easier fix than many. That said, that doesn't mean there aren't significant problems.

    The other consideration is that when the cleft extends to the lip (as most do), you are dealing with a child with a visible facial deformity. Another thing we put a lot of thought into in my cleft palate/craniofacial disorders class ... humans react more negatively to differences/deformities of the face than they do to any other part of the body. Take one kid with a cleft lip/palate and another kid with a club foot ... it's easier to ignore the club foot but we focus on the face. You can't ignore it. Even in a best case repair, there will be a visible scar and there also will be effects on the nose causing it to be misshapen. My cousin faced rather significant teasing in high school due to his appearance - and, as I said, he had the best case surgical outcomes done by the craniofacial team at UCSF. The last surgery in the repair is generally a nose job, but the surgeons wait to do that one until the bones of the face are finished growing, generally around the time the child reaches adulthood. Which means the facial difference is there for all the awkward years of adolescence. And being teased due to a birth defect is a different thing from being teased because your clothes aren't the right brand or something.

    Add to the fact that depending on where in China the child came from, the surgical repair may not have been done at all, or done outside the timelines recommended for best case treatment, and you have years of speech therapy to correct the effects of speech that arise from years of misdirecting the air flow ... all things being equal a cleft palate in an internationally adopted child is often more difficult from a treatment standpoint than in a case like my cousin who had a stellar surgical team and a family dedicated to follow through at home with speech therapy.
    Me (40) DH (47) & furbabies * m/c 7/08 4/12 11/12

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    Thought this was interesting: a blog post from a woman who adopted a daughter from China with cleft lip palate having been told it was a "minor" special need and then realizing the reality didn't match what she had been told. She said she'd do it again gladly, but did not feel what she was told in any way matched the reality.
    Me (40) DH (47) & furbabies * m/c 7/08 4/12 11/12

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    Mandy, is overseas IVF an option for you? I've heard that there are less expensive options outside, even factoring in the cost of travel.

    One of the issues I am currently wrestling with is that I feel that over time, DH has become all too consumed by money. I understand why, to some extent, because as a child, he saw extreme luxury, and then poverty, but it has turned him into a person I don't like much. And because his personality is much stronger than mine, I feel as if the better angels of my nature are getting squashed. I feel as if I used to be a bubbly, cheerful, person, and am turning into a bitter old crone.

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    I have thought about it and don't think I would end up saving much. akhiker on this site had overseas IVF this spring (and it was a success). I think what she paid was actually a couple of thousand more than what my doctor charges. The IVF itself was cheaper, but the package deal with travel and hotel made it cost more. And that doesn't account for time lost at work which would cost sick days I would use during maternity leave, if I did get pregnant. Having it done locally would add up to less time off work unless I did it over the summer. There's not enough time left in my summer vacation at this point for an IVF cycle and if the money for it falls in my lap, I'm not waiting for next summer vacation to schedule.

    Honestly, my doctor is pretty cost-effective. A standard IVF cycle is just under $10K here. In many places it's $15-$16K so that would make the travel option cheaper but in my case it isn't, at least not judging by the prices I've seen people throw out. Either way, we're talking about money I don't have in cash and I'm on a cash-pay basis so it's out of the question. I don't have enough to fly overseas without IVF, much less with it.
    Me (40) DH (47) & furbabies * m/c 7/08 4/12 11/12

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    I'm sorry for your issues with DH. I get it. I really do.
    Last edited by Gwenn; 07-14-2013 at 11:34 PM. Reason: Stupid edit/reply buttons
    Me (40) DH (47) & furbabies * m/c 7/08 4/12 11/12

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    Quote Originally Posted by Suja View Post
    One of the issues I am currently wrestling with is that I feel that over time, DH has become all too consumed by money. I understand why, to some extent, because as a child, he saw extreme luxury, and then poverty, but it has turned him into a person I don't like much. And because his personality is much stronger than mine, I feel as if the better angels of my nature are getting squashed. I feel as if I used to be a bubbly, cheerful, person, and am turning into a bitter old crone.
    Awww Suja ((hugs))

    Mama to Bobbie 20 ~ Jesi 18 ~ Syd 14 ~ Conner 6
    I'm gonna be a Gramama! Jesi is due 11/22/13


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    I feel like that too.

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    I love you all.

  27. #42807
    Join Date
    Sep 2009
    Location
    Avoiding Work
    Posts
    14,719

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    I am quite behind and just skimming so forgive me if I miss something!

    I would not let DH take Nolan out on a boat by himself. My husband gets distracted very, VERY easily though and he recognizes that (so I don’t think he would ever suggest it). With a secondary adult? Maybe…. He takes him to the river with him (fishing) quite often, by himself though. Since Nolan became mobile he pretty much goes everywhere with Nolan or he’ll keep Nolan so I can go places with myself. The boat? That would freak me out. Just being honest.

    B, your choices to stay are valid. If you are comfortable with that, than who is to say that is wrong. Is it something I could do? No, but just like you – I have my reasons as well. I do hope that he continues to grow as an individual/father/husband in a way that is worthy of you and the kids

    Your ‘feed me’ comment cracks me up. It sounds like something my DH would say because he knows it would never happen in a million years

    Mandy my heart aches for you and I can’t help wishing that there was something ‘real’ that I could do for you. Anything. Adoption is beautiful and we talked about it extensively. My husband was also resistant to foster-to-adopt which would have been the only way (money wise) we would have been able to adopt.

    A part of me feels really guilty about this pregnancy. It sounds horrible, but it’s true. Going from thinking I would never have kids, to lucking out getting pregnant with Nolan on Clomid, and than jumping to a whoops pregnancy has been hard for me to accept, especially knowing so many mamas who have/are still struggling

    Chrissy I will also jump on the ‘you dealt with incompetent Rich for too long’ bandwagon. You will find a flow for the two of you, the relationship between you two is so young (with so much history already) and I know that’s a difficult combination.

    Ok, so mostly caught up (I am so sorry if I missed anything, I try)! I am still dealing with the part time/full time work issue (with DH of course taking no responsibility in making the decision) and than trying to figure out whether I want to just go full time school and finish up by the end of the year or just do part time and finish up in May. It is these times when I hate my husbands ‘go with the flow’ mentality. Oh and of course he quit his job (did I mention that, I think so). It was a good decision, one for both of us. His brother is working on getting a contract for something like 120ish houses (stucco work which my husband desperately wants to get back into) and my husband is the only other person his brother knows who is a plasterer who he would trust to work on projects by himself. So, if business picks up for him – it might work out for us. The small business field is exactly what I want him to get out of though, there is such limited security. BUT I am stepping back, he loves stucco work, and ultimately I need him to be happy.

    Things are a little crazy, but I'm loving every minute of it My Blog


  28. #42808
    Join Date
    May 2007
    Posts
    14,704

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    So after all the talk last week or so about dogs....I think we will eventually probably just get another cockapoo. I was mentioning and showing all different kinds to my DH but he wasn't having most of it. A lot of it is size....he just doesn't want a dog that is more than 30 lbs or so. We are too used to being able to pick them up and hold hold them and he doesn't want a big dog in bed. And there is the litter box....works great for dogs the size we have but too much bigger and it wouldn't really work so well. Both girls go outside but it's really handy to have that if they have to get up in the middle of the night or it's raining really hard or I just don't feel like it because it's really late and dark outside. And it was super easy to potty train with the box vs leashing up and going outside.
    So after all the talking, he's like why not just get another cockapoo....what Cosmo is and what I grew up with (I had two in my family).

    Got my vacation scrapbooked up to Pittsburgh....hoping to finish that this upcoming weekend. Once that project is done, I can get the Molly page made for the portfolio. I'm going to pull out this one page that was kind of filler from my books (two identical ones) and stick in a Molly page. I asked the social worker to send me letter head so I can work on updating my letter. There are 10 copies of that but I also still need to get a new family picture done. I can probably talk DH into that this fall....he doesn't like doing pictures and doesn't want to spend the money for a professional one but we don't have anyone else to take a picture of all four of us. I'm hoping that with a new picture and updated letter, maybe we can catch someone's eye. I mean it's been almost two years....I should be getting the paperwork to update this week. Agency considers our two years next month. My siggie is off a bit there. Nevermind, it was easier to fix the siggie than I thought!
    Last edited by Cosmosmom; 07-15-2013 at 09:27 AM.

    Jennifer, 35, DH 36

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    I can't even think about getting another dog, Jennifer, because that would mean one of mine has passed on and that makes me so sad. I think I might feel a lot like Suja's DH, to be honest, where I don't know when I'll be ready to get another dog. I know my dogs are still less than 10 years old and they have no health issues that I know of, but I'm already starting to obsess over little limps and gray hairs on their coats and whether they're losing their sight/hearing. And I'm looking at pictures of them when they were just two years old and thinking "gosh, how young they looked!" My thoughts have been pretty depressing on that subject recently.

    Mandy, I hope somehow that Kevin would keep the door open to fostering a child and hoping for the best. Can you be fairly selective about the foster child you bring home, and choose one with an extremely low probability of being returned to its biological family? You should never feel reluctant to talk with us about what you're feeling (as I know you know). I, for one, will always be here to listen to your worries and let you know it's so natural to have those feelings of anguish about your future. I'm sure I'd have them in your shoes as well. I understand what it's like to go your whole life with high hopes and expectations for a specific outcome, only to find that it's virtually impossible. And I will also still always try to do what I can to give you hope that you will find a path to happiness in whatever way that take shape for you. I have a feeling I've mentioned this before, but have you heard of a book called "Who Moved My Cheese?" (which - with a dumb name like that - sounds too irreverent for your situation). The book talks a bit about how to find your flexibility when you've struggled towards something for seemingly your whole life only to learn there's no goal, or it's an impossible goal for you, or you realize your priorities have changed. Anyway, don't get me wrong, the book is sometimes insultingly simplistic, but STILL, I found some good affirmations and positive ways of looking at places in my history when I felt great disappointments. It's just a thought.

    Kate, I'm sorry that it sounds like your DH is letting you down in some areas and my stupid citation of Ayn Rand somehow made you reflect on that for awhile. Like Mandy said, everyone lets their partners down in some ways. I can only imagine how I've disappointed Steve these past years. Just remember that Ayn Rand was a weirdo who went around making blanket pronunciations like "there is a correct way to love". And her "correct" way was to have an openly extramarital relationship with a younger man "because their love for each other was intellectually correct" and (if the man's wife's account is true) then proceed to have a freak-out attack when the younger man fell in love with another woman who was neither his wife nor Ayn Rand. At the end of the day, it's very nice to feel your values are aligned with your partner's and you have someone to admire. And it's ok to sometimes have to reach for that feeling a little. ;) Your marriage is better for trying.

    Suja, that's a tough situation with your husband. I don't have all the details obviously, but I think some ways to frame your concerns are "How much is enough?", "What is your success/failure criteria?", "What are the underlying values that you're trying to serve by material wealth?" It could very well be something beneath the surface that he's trying prove to himself, or some deep-seated unhappiness that he's filling with money. It's always touchy when you're asking your partner to examine himself (because there's always that interplay between wanting to change your partner vs. adjusting yourself to accept your partner), but if you can phrase it in ways that give concrete examples of how you and Mira are negatively affected by his focus on wealth, you might actually get somewhere with him. Like everybody's been saying in here recently, if it bugs you, you should talk about it.

    Chrissy, I feel like I'm repeating myself here too, but with regards to your situation, sometimes it's hard to know what to do because you don't have enough data ...yet. And you can say to yourself, "I'm fine doing nothing right now. I can sit back and observe. And I'll know what to do when the next step is obvious to me." Sometimes it's a difficult decision because you don't have all the information you need yet to act decisively. I often take an overly long time to take action, and it drives people crazy who are watching me agonize over something that may seem obvious to them, but I will say that when I finally do make a big decision, I'm always glad I waited because I have some critical factor I need to move forward without doubt. Recent examples of this include finally buying a car after 9 months of shopping around for one and putting an end to those intense letters I was getting from that guy. My point is, when the time comes to act, it'll feel right to you because it will feel like there were no other options that came close to that one.

    Hi, Elly, and welcome to the Secularium!
    Last edited by demigraf; 07-15-2013 at 11:16 AM.

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    And just because I love you girls so much...I'm passing this on from one of my favorite January mamas. (Apologies to L & Chrissy, who can't get any context about their personalities from this photo. )


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