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Thread: Secular Confessions

  1. #41251

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    Forgivable, L. I don't think any less of you, and I only feel sympathy for your tiredness. Super-!

    Cama- I heard nosy parker from Suja, so maybe we should ask her! LOL.

  2. #41252

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    Hi ladies. Sorry for my sporadicism (if that is a word, the red underline is telling me that it's not but, meh, who cares!) around here lately.

    I have been "thinking too much" probably for the past few months and just consumed with things floating around in my head. I forget to mention I did not get into the schools I applied to earlier this year. I didn't think I would, so it was not a let down or anything like that, so no sorry's needed. I have been invited to attend some MBA Q/A sessions as a result of speaking with quite a few people in our area in regards to grad school, and will be going to GA Tech tomorrow to look into doing an evening MBA. I don't know if I want to go there so I hope I get some good information, but I had decided upon applying to the other schools that if I didn't get in I would look into expanding my knowledge base for my current position so I am looking to focus on supply chain management, logistics, and operations with an MBA. My current position is government and we are going through some shake ups in regards to government procurement for HUD in that my current certification may not be relevant soon, so I would like to learn more about private sector procurement especially in technology and manufacturing sectors and I have concluded that an MBA from a reputable school with a good network will be of great service to me with these career endeavors. This portion of my "too much thinking" is not all that bad in that I like thinking of learning new things and challenging myself career-wise.

    Unfortunately my DH has been working my nerves a whole lot. I have shared with you all that my DH is a trip and that even though I love him deeply he is exasperating for me to deal with so I have always known that eventually I would get sick of him and leave him. He has been a major source of stress for me over the past year and a half actually and it seems he will respond to my very plain, direct, logical request for a while and behave accordingly, then revert back to his old behavior. Oddly enough, even though he still works my nerves personally, I have come to really focus on him and his speaking to our son. He is a lot like the way some of you ladies described your families in that he rarely, if ever says anything positive about our son. And that wouldn't be so bad except he had gotten to a point recently where he was repeatedly telling Ky that he "acts like he is retarded/an idiot/dumb" and so I have had to blow up on him and it has done some damage for us, but I am not going to stand by and let him abuse my child. I actually wanted to physically hit him and as a last ditch effort, I have agreed that we can go to some marriage counseling. I did calm down with him and really explained how he, DH, was physically abused by people in his life as a boy and criticized constantly. Granted, DH is not physically abusive but he is super hyper critical, he, like your DBF Bridget, likes to complain constantly about me cleaning, he takes it further and complains about my looks, my skin, my parenting, my personality, my humor, my friends (or what he considers my lack of friends IRL as I only have about 2 close friends), my "squareness" (in that I don't drink or party), and he goes on and on and on. Even though I had a rough upbringing, I was always told by relatives, even my mom many times and she was not that great of a mom, that I was a very unique, wonderful, intelligent, beautiful person. I have never been called an idiot, or stupid, or dumb, or retarded and it is just amazing and angering to me that my own husband would even utter such words to my wonderful, unique, intelligent, beautiful son. And I have been thinking and shared with DH that it is really getting to me, his criticisms as I have been questioning myself and it has even made me take a step back and realize that he is causing me to critique my own self much too much and I feel that my confidence has started to be eroded, only a slight bit (as I think I am the sh*t if I don't say so myself), but especially in regards to the way I look as I am really trying to take it slow to lose the 30lbs I gained when I was so stressed out at my last job and just try to train myself to eat better and slow down in all aspects of my life. And him criticizing me so much has hurt me very deeply, it really opened my eyes to him criticizing Ky and it made me feel like I am not protecting him enough. Ky thinks his dad feels he does nothing right, he is always saying his dad will "yell at him" about practically everything and horrible as it is, he is right, his dad does yell too much. So I did have a heart to heart with DH and he has stopped for the past month. I am considering leaving him, very much past considering actually and if he doesn't change his critical behavior I feel for him because he will be heartbroken. FYI, DH and I usually get along really good and he is usually good with both the kids, he is only an ass probably 15% of the time, when he used to be one about 40% of the time, so he has gotten much better, but he was never like this with Ky and Ky is getting to an age where he needs a lot of attention, much more now than when he was a baby, he is becoming a young man and I feel I have to nurture him and ensure he remains confident in himself and his abilities and if I, someone who most consider vain, can start to erode my own confidence under the critiques of this man who by all measures has more faults and failures than all of us ladies put together, so he has no right to criticize anyone IMO, I can only imagine how him criticizing an always wanting to impress/please 11 year old boy could cause said boy's confidence to be murdered and I will not allow it to happen. We spoke about 5 weeks ago, DH and I about this, and I confess that I have been watching/listening to DH like a hawk around Ky as any sort of out of the line criticism on his part will probably lead me to take rash, immediate actions.

    Like the great Myles alluded to on a previous page - hows that for a confession!

    Sorry Suja for the long paragraph. If it helps, I love your internet personality and have never seen you as scary or brash. You actually remind me of my IRL personality, but people do think I am mean and "blunt" IRL, so go figure...


    Erin

  3. #41253

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    Erin, I just saw that you posted, but I don't have time before dinner to read it - will come back for that.

    xxx edited out!xxxxx

    I don't know - the flirty stuff is making me uncomfortable. And I guess I am annoyed with him because he had the better part of 7 years to make a move and at any point in those 7 years he could have made an effort to ask me out, but instead, ten years later he is flirtily messaging me when my dh is out of the country? Not that he would know that last part, but it's making me feel more uncomfortable about this whole thing. Ugh
    Last edited by girlwonder; 05-15-2013 at 12:29 AM.

    "Any idiot can face a crisis; it is this day-to-day living that wears you out." -Anton Chekhov


  4. #41254
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    I'm sorry about your DH, Erin. You are strong, and I'm so glad you're standing up for Ky.

    Myles, if a hairless cat is part of the deal, I don't want to be a super villain. I'm kinda skeeved out by them.

  5. #41255
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    Whew! Finally caught up with three pages of mega-posts!

    Some random thoughts (as I'm sure most of what I intended to say is completely gone):
    1. Myles, you wrote that post from your iPhone? Seriously? You wrote that post from your iPhone?
    2. Suja, of all the "secular" girls, I vote you most likely to be a Bond Villain. Because you're just cool that way.
    Honestly, you do come across as intimidating and as I am shy, IRL I might have been afraid to get to know you. I am SO glad I did get to know you online, because you're totally worth it. And not scary at all. But I promise I won't tell Bond that.
    3. I socialize with very few men. Because I work for the school district, men I see regularly (meaning more often than every two weeks or so) are limited to:
    -the school psychologist assigned to my site, who is 60ish and extremely quiet. He smiles politely when we pass each other in the corridor, listens intently when I have conversations with his SLP partner who is a friend of mine, and very rarely inserts a wickedly humorous comment that I never in a million years saw coming. 99% of the time he is a total professional.
    -and our janitor, who is about 80, deaf as a post, and spends most of his interactions trying to determine why people unlocked various gates that he now has to go lock. I listened to a lengthy rant the other day about how one of my colleagues had the temerity to be at work at ten minutes to six on a Friday night. How DARE she? Didn't she know he had to lock up the building after she left? Clearly he had to report such conduct to our administration.
    Otherwise, the only men I see are parents of the children I evaluate, and I don't have ongoing interactions with them. Ooh, and today we got to see a couple of paramedics. I think Gayle was more excited by that than I was.

    All of that a long-winded way of saying that because I have so little interaction with the opposite sex, I think the opportunity for me to fall into something like an emotional affair if I DID ever come across someone who interested me might be that much greater because the opportunity would be so rare. Because of that, I tend to be careful about my relationships with the men in my life. I would feel the same way about DH. But I think if I worked in a profession that was male-dominated, it would possibly be different for me in that I would have regular interactions with guys who I might find attractive and interesting, but had practice in just keeping it at a friendly/professional level. I don't get that practice. In short (err...long), I would be leery of random emails from exes wanting friendship or similar. Kate, your situation in particular does sound off-putting.

    Erin, I know you must have put a lot of thought into your situation with DH. I am sorry you have reached this point and hope it can come to a better resolution.

    I'm sure there is much more I meant to say, but it is gone.

    As for me, we had a lot of drama today. A coworker stopped by to ask me a question about some paperwork and was dizzy and shaking. She said she had to put her head down between her knees, and when we offered her some water, she had a hard time holding the cup. I called our school nurse (RN) and asked her to check out my friend, and she insisted we call 911. So as mentioned above, we got to see the paramedics. I was actually really impressed with their handling of the situation - slow and calm and got down to her level and just asked her to tell them what was going on. Turned out to be a combination of very low blood pressure and an anxiety attack. They offered to take her to the hospital but she refused and they felt she was probably fine. A whole lot of drama that I didn't need! I worry about her. She is in her 60's and has a history of cancer and kidney disease. She doesn't make a lot of money and her position has been cut for next year so she'll be losing her medical insurance.
    Me (39) DH (46) & furbabies * m/c 7/08 4/12 11/12

  6. #41256

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    I wish I had male friends. The last time I thought I had a male friend it turned out he had feelings for me. LOL

  7. #41257

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    Erin, my heart is broken for Ky! Thank goodness you are such a warrior for him. I can really feel your angst and it makes me angry at your dh. I also can feel the eroding of my self worth at times and I have to give myself a proverbial smack upside the head and remind myself he is full of it. I know you will make the best decision for your family but I hate that you have to face this.

  8. #41258

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    Erin... I'm sorry your DH is so hurtful! Do you feel like it's a difficult decision whether or not to work it out with him at this point? Ky does NOT deserve that verbal abuse. Is Elle affected at all yet by your DH's criticism?

  9. #41259

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    Erin, I'm so sorry that he is being so mentally abusive to Ky. Do you think he realizes that his behavior is not helpful? And does he realize that if he doesn't permanently change it that you will leave him?

    "Any idiot can face a crisis; it is this day-to-day living that wears you out." -Anton Chekhov


  10. #41260
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    I guess I have a reputation to uphold now. And I won't be doing it by chatting up random people in checkout lines. I wonder how a super villain is supposed to act, when she's not being all villain-y.

  11. #41261

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    Suja - I don't think you are villain-y! I remember when I used to do comedy I used to have people tell me that I was scary. I think that people are sometimes uncomfortable with a woman who speaks directly to a problem, who doesn't dance around it or couch it in nice terms to try to soften it. I remember being really puzzled by being called scary or intimidating because I was just normal I thought.

    "Any idiot can face a crisis; it is this day-to-day living that wears you out." -Anton Chekhov


  12. #41262
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    I think that you might be right. And it might speak to how we are brought up to believe people of specific genders should act. I will admit to being more plainspoken online than I am in RL.

  13. #41263

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    I definitely felt that in comedy. I actually had one (drunk) girl come up to me after a show and tell me that no woman would ever go up on stage and talk the way I just did. As if I was just a guy comic in girl disguise? Weird. One guy I knew who was in the scene for a while peripherally (an actor who was hanging out with comedians - not a big name now but you have seen him in several HBO shows in bit parts) who I like a lot told me once that he wanted to ask me out but he was scared of me. And that was that- he never did ask me out. A woman who is unafraid of speaking clearly can be threatening I guess.

    "Any idiot can face a crisis; it is this day-to-day living that wears you out." -Anton Chekhov


  14. #41264

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    Suja, you're not really scary. Just whip-smart. You get to the bottom of things, and you're concise. So I can imagine that if some guy was dithering around trying to flirt with you, you'd put him in his place easily. That could be a little intimidating. It's really a good thing, though. Thanks for the sweet words. I am wonderful, it's true.

    Myles, I'm sure you're right on about the full-time mommy thing stealing my mojo. I know I'll feel better when I'm able to play music again regularly and find my niche here. And I appreciate your reassurance re your dh's job and mine. I don't really worry that he'll cheat on me. We're very happy together, and he's a great family man. I think sometimes I just feel daunted by what he gets to do while I sort of spin my wheels in the mud. Today, for example, I took Noe to dance class, took her and a neighbor boy to the pool, picked up dd1 from school, did some housework. He spent a couple of hours hanging out with Darren Aronofsky.
    But honestly, I know it's silly to compare. He enjoys his work and he comes home happy to us, and he gives himself to us 100%. And I've been handling the more heavy part of the childcare and home load, but soon Noe will be in school and I'll be able to stretch my wings a little, and it'll even out. Thanks for the encouragement.
    -- mom to DD1 1/98 and DD2 10/09


  15. #41265

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    And Erin, I can't say anything better than the ladies above have said, but I'm sorry you're in that position. It's really a tough one. Poor Ky.
    I was in an emotionally abusive marriage. I tried hard to work it out, and if it had just been about me I could have tried longer. But it was when it became clear that it was affecting my girl that I had to say "enough" and get out. It's a terrible place to be -- those kinds of decisions are so hard to make. But you are so smart and sensible and have your head screwed on straighter than just about anyone I know, so if anyone can deal with it in the way that is best for everyone involved, it's you.
    -- mom to DD1 1/98 and DD2 10/09


  16. #41266

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    Erin, I'm sorry you have to deal with that from your husband.

    Katy, now I'm curious who the actor guy is.

  17. #41267

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    I'm not telling! You wouldn't recognize his face or his name - just bit parts in some things.

    "Any idiot can face a crisis; it is this day-to-day living that wears you out." -Anton Chekhov


  18. #41268

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    Oh fine. LOL

  19. #41269

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    I just don't want to mention his name and have this thread be searchable.

    I will confess that I love to eat frozen waffles still frozen, straight from the freezer. I thought JoJo was crazy when she was tiny and she insisted they still be frozen when she ate them but I'll be darned if they aren't better that way.

    "Any idiot can face a crisis; it is this day-to-day living that wears you out." -Anton Chekhov


  20. #41270
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    Quote Originally Posted by girlwonder View Post
    I just don't want to mention his name and have this thread be searchable.

    I will confess that I love to eat frozen waffles still frozen, straight from the freezer. I thought JoJo was crazy when she was tiny and she insisted they still be frozen when she ate them but I'll be darned if they aren't better that way.
    Now I'm curious. I know waffles and ice cream are good. Hmm, thinking I have some waffles in the freezer right now. You might just start a trend!
    Me (39) DH (46) & furbabies * m/c 7/08 4/12 11/12

  21. #41271

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    We prefer the Central market brand Blueberry Buckwheat, though any blueberry waffle will do in a pinch. I don't know how just plain waffles would be.

    "Any idiot can face a crisis; it is this day-to-day living that wears you out." -Anton Chekhov


  22. #41272
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    The waffles in my freezer are actually blueberry. I think they're Eggo, though.
    Me (39) DH (46) & furbabies * m/c 7/08 4/12 11/12

  23. #41273

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    It occurs to me that it might be just that I am really limiting my carb/bread intake and maybe I just think they are good because they are the only sweet bread type thing I have had in the past few days.

    "Any idiot can face a crisis; it is this day-to-day living that wears you out." -Anton Chekhov


  24. #41274
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    Great, my super villain power is that I'm blunt. I suppose I could be mean to Bond on FB and make him cry.

  25. #41275
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    Quote Originally Posted by Suja View Post
    Great, my super villain power is that I'm blunt. I suppose I could be mean to Bond on FB and make him cry.
    If you wear a Sari while doing it you'll fit right in with some of the recent movies. At least in the nonsensical-ness department.
    Me (39) DH (46) & furbabies * m/c 7/08 4/12 11/12

  26. #41276

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    And M can be your ninja assassin, dressed in her not-to-code martial arts outfit. I assume there's pink involved?

    "Any idiot can face a crisis; it is this day-to-day living that wears you out." -Anton Chekhov


  27. #41277
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    3andMe is offline Every day is a gift. It's just... does it have to be a pair of socks? Hopelessly Devoted
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    I looooovvveeee blunt, outspoken women. Not rude women who use bluntness as an excuse to just be mean and get that chip off their shoulders, but people who say it like it is, good or bad. Spinach in your teeth? No fear that you'll go half the day because they're afraid of telling you. Something that you did that they felt was outstanding? They say that, too. Maybe part of it is that I'm not so good at the undercurrents, so I really appreciate people telling me the unvarnished truth, or maybe it is because I'd rather hear the worst than worry about things that may not be true, or find out later that I was oblivious to things that should have been obvious. Anyway, I have not gotten that feeling of intimidation from any of the outspoken women here, nor do I find it less than feminine or less than appealing.

    To much to write and not enough time. I might have to wait until a non-work day. I've been listening to all of you, but my deadline (er, DHline) is calling me.


  28. #41278

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    Gwenn, your day really was dramatic. I hope it's been all-unwind time since then. I'm going to put myself to bed. L has me beat on 2 hrs, but I operated on 4 all day today.

    Speaking recently of "butthurt", mine hurts baaaad because I ran 5.5 miles on my lunch break today. I've kept running since my half marathon last year, but only small distances. Now I'm running a 12k (7.5 miles) on Sunday, and I confess, I'm cramming in the mileage. Not the best approach to training, but upping my miles a bit today will make the long run better. I'll only do a short run on Friday to stay prepped. Hope I can sleep when I feel I might have pulled my groin. :/

  29. #41279

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    Oh yes, and Katy, I think that guy is being a bit forward. You alluded to this already, but the guy has to know that he's rocking your boat, and it's all fine and dandy from his safe perch. And I think I already said it in here before: blatant flirtation crosses a line with me, especially if the guy seems to be intonating that he thinks I'd actually follow through with any of it. Are you starting to feel skeeved out by him, K?

  30. #41280

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    Quote Originally Posted by 3andMe View Post
    I looooovvveeee blunt, outspoken women. Not rude women who use bluntness as an excuse to just be mean and get that chip off their shoulders, but people who say it like it is, good or bad. Spinach in your teeth? No fear that you'll go half the day because they're afraid of telling you. Something that you did that they felt was outstanding? They say that, too. Maybe part of it is that I'm not so good at the undercurrents, so I really appreciate people telling me the unvarnished truth, or maybe it is because I'd rather hear the worst than worry about things that may not be true, or find out later that I was oblivious to things that should have been obvious. Anyway, I have not gotten that feeling of intimidation from any of the outspoken women here, nor do I find it less than feminine or less than appealing.
    I love that, too. All of the really good women friends I've had in my life have had that kind of personality. I really get along well with someone who just says what needs to be said, no apologies. You always know where you stand with a person like that. And yes, the compliments mean a lot, too, because you know they're not bullcrap and there's no ulterior motive.
    -- mom to DD1 1/98 and DD2 10/09


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