Secular Confessions

[3andMe]

Oh, I forgot to tell you, it looks like my credit card theft is one of hundreds from my work. It was not physically lifted, but probably from the site where we have to order our scrubs. It is a huge deal. I had to send a statement to the detective and make a campus police report. We all had similar fraudulent charges for several days in a row followed by a very big charge. I think I got most of my numbers updated. DH wanted to report it to the local newspaper, but I made him promise not to.

One day I woke up at 3:30 AM and spent the next 3 hours working on the newsletter I have to publish by the 15th, and that same day I made campground reservations. And then DD said she wants to have her birthday party in Wyoming with Grandpa, and since we're already having a party there, it was another load off my shoulders. That day was an awesome day. It was just check, check, check, everything accomplished!!!!

[Gwenn]

I always wanted kids, too, and I never really saw myself in a long-term career. But life and infertility had other plans. I am so glad I found a career that I find fulfilling - otherwise I think I might have gone crazy. But even that was sort of a shot in the dark that I found it.

[AmeriBrit]

St. Olaf is a real place?! I thought that was just where Rose from The Golden Girls was from!

I had a full scholarship as well that covered tuition and housing and books, etc, but I only lasted one week at the state university I first attended and was going to major in nursing; it was too much of a culture shock to me, from going to a high school graduating class of 23 to a university population of 10,000. So, I ended up going back home after a week and got a job at a nursing home as a cleaner for a few months and decided to go back to my hometown community college and get my AA in Liberal Arts; from there, I got a scholarship to go to one of the best private colleges in the USA, which happened to be in my hometown as well. I majored in English and got my teaching certificate...then I met Rich and moved abroad and all that education kinda went out of the window, but here I am now back in the teaching game! LOL

DH, on the other hand, got a degree that he never used at all. He got a guitar technician type degree. His parents never pushed him at all and I think it's a shame because he is very clever but has little self confidence. His mom always says her parenting decisions were based on the motto 'anything for an easy life' which I think is so bizarre but it explains why my SIL is so bossy; she is so used to everyone doing everything for her, not questions asked.

So, I will definitely keep an eye on my boys' interests and try to guide them in to realistic career aspirations. I think we did give Cash a cool name, though, so he's going to have to be either a rock star or an actor.

[AmeriBrit]

I always thought I'd have kids but wasn't desperate to have them until I got married. As soon as I met Rich, I knew we'd have kids together. We're finished with our 2, though; I don't think I'd have the energy for anymore than the two we have. Being in the teaching field, I have a high tolerance for kids, especially now that I have my own. I'm not a newborn baby type person who goes all oogly over tiny babies, but I love when they're 2 and up and interact with you.

And that is awesome that you got that much done that one day! I like days like that!

[Cosmosmom]

I always wanted to be a mom too. And didn't have a hard time picturing the dad because well I was only 19 when I got with DH. I also wanted to be a SAHM and homeschool. I wanted a couple of kids and thought I would be done by 32.
Time does change things. Now there have been many times when I was like, maybe it's better to not have them???? And we would go back and forth and back and forth again. I think that we are finally done doing that and committed to having one child.
And there is no way in h*ll that I would stop work now and SAHM now. Not when I make almost double DH and benefits are all though me. Plus I really enjoy my job.
And I no longer have any interest in homeschooling. My city has pretty good schools (now if I still lived in Milwaukee....might be a different story!) and I don't see as healthy anymore to be with just DH and I all the time....and I don't have the time to make sure that he would be exposed to other kids and such like some do.

School....I had a LOT of majors. Geography, international political economy, French, teaching, history....finally settled on behavioral science (combo sociology, psychology and anthropology)...and was just 4 classes from a degree there (was considering grad school for sociology) when I switched to philosophy. That stuck and it was a matter of going on for grad school in that (very male dominated field) or library science. Library science was easier and more practical job wise so that won out.
Than my mom tells me, I knew when you were like 10 that you were probably going to be librarian. Dude....could have told me sooner!

In WI, top two students got state full rides....my school was very competitive and I wasn't going to bother for that. DH came in third. Sucked for him to get so close and end up having to pay it all. And his stepdad was an a-hole and wouldn't help even though he could. Yet he still had to report his earnings and so missed out pretty much all fin aid other than loans.

We stopped paying for lawn service last year. Still had weeds and didn't look so hot. Learning to do it ourselves and really only takes DH a short time to go around applying the stuff with the spreader himself. And it looks the same or slightly better this year.

[Cosmosmom]

LOL St. Olaf, the school isn't that far from me....probably 2-3 hours. But there is also St. Olaf the tiny town in Minnesota that is closer to the South Dakota side.

Anyone ever see this movie? http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1095174/

It's how people (not all but a good number, especially older ladies) talk where I live. I have started getting a bit of that accent. LOL

[Gwenn]

My voice teacher went to St. Olaf College. They have a very highly regarded choral music program. She said that when she was there (back in the 50's) her choir was the very first to perform the song "The Little Drummer Boy!" I always think of her when I hear that song. But the St. Olaf Choir is really good.

[demigraf]

I knew someone who went to St. Olaf's College too! I wanted her sweatshirt because it looked almost exactly like the one that Betty White wore on The Golden Girls.

I got sucked into the comments thread of that article you posted, Suja. It makes me sad when people go as far as calling liberal arts degrees "worthless". Even though I've made some statements in here about how I wouldn't support Bodhi taking out an 80k loan to get a degree in philosophy or underwater basketweaving, I wouldn't discourage him from declaring whatever major he wanted, provided he was doing something else to get a marketable skill and preferrably incurring costs only around that of a public university. The liberal arts make for a more interesting world. I love how one of my BILs - who is an engineer - talks about nothing but Civil War History. Plus, some people actually do make a living with their various liberal arts degrees. I just have a hard time seeing how a $150k Bachelor's degree gives you an advantage over someone who got the same degree for $30k. I'm sure there are some ways, but whoever has the luxury to follow that line of reasoning - whatever it is - is one high roller.

Since a lot of us have been talking about and dealing with our kids' tantrums, I went back and revisited one of my favorite books on the subject, "The Happiest Toddler on the Block". The chapter on "The Fast Food Rule" has helped me a lot with how to talk to Bodhi when he's in the heat of one of his upsets. I thought now was a good time to talk about it. I took some screen grabs from Google Books, which shares excerpts from books, but they're kind of big. Here is an example of one of them:



I have about a half dozen more of these excerpts to post if you want me to. I'll leave it up to you guys to let me know whether you want to see more and thus deal with the extra scrolling.

Oh! And I have some amazing news (well, for me, anyway). I found my wedding ring! It was in the zippered pocket of my wallet. I vaguely remember placing it there now, but have no idea what the circumstances were when I put it there. I'm glad I found it, because I now have more reason to love the ring.

[AmeriBrit]

I've had two upsetting bits of news recently-Don't read on if you are very sensitive-children related!

Someone distantly related to my husband was due with boy/girl twins recently; she carried them to term and gave birth naturally to them, but within hours of birth, the little girl died. They are not sure what happened. And then today, DH was telling me about his boss at work. Her SIL was leaving a kids' birthday party with her 5 year old daughter; the kids had been playing with bubbles and water balloons outside, so the little girl didn't want to leave the party. When the SIL started reversing back, she heard her daugher scream, but she wasn't in the car. She had opened the door, unbuckled herself and had ran behind the minivan and her mom had reversed over her! The mom actually lifted the minivan off the daughter and an ambulance came quick; she had broken loads of ribs and they had punctured her lungs, and it looked really grave for her, but today, she is on the mend and expected to make a full recovery! So, not two bad bits of news because the little girl is going to be fine, but hearing those kinds of stories this week especially after Cash made his escape across our street the other week makes me feel so thankful that my kids are OK and I have to give them extra hugs and kisses often.

[AmeriBrit]

Yay for finding your ring, Myles!

Thanks for posting those excerpts...it's exactly the kind of thing I need to read after having a day like I had today. We ended up going out to the park after the kids had a terrible morning which ended up with me losing my temper (which I absolutely hate hate hate doing!) And the afternoon was much better. But there were still tears from Travis at bedtime because I hadn't allowed him any ice cream since he'd had a bad morning and had not eaten much dinner. I had to stick to my guns on that one because I feel like he's old enough now to understand his behavior has consequences. Out of guilt, I probably will take him to McDonald's after dinner for a McFlurry tomorrow if he behaves (or just wait for the ice cream man to come around!)

[3andMe]

How sad. Hearing about children being hurt or killed or tortured or neglected gets me so much more viscerally since I became a mother. I thought it was because I had a child die myself, but I think it's just part of being a mom. Like, I could comprehend how awful it was when I heard about tragedies, but it didn't really involve me emotionally before the same way it does now. The other day when I was driving to work, I heard awful story after awful story on the radio about children. One was about a 3-year-old who was taken to the hospital and pronounced dead from an accidental self-inflicted gunshot wound. I was listening to that and thinking about our gun conversation, and then the next sentence hit me. "The father, a police officer...." I thought off and on the rest of the day about how horrible he must be feeling, and how his life will never be the same.

There was a recent study that came out that says women who have a child die are more likely to die themselves within the next two years.

By the way, I keep meaning to thank Katy for mentioning RadioLab a couple of times, probably a long time ago. It stuck with me, and the times she mentioned it she talked about interesting subjects. Well, I am newly in love. I figured out how to play podcasts on my phone and then output them through my car speakers, and I have been listening to these podcasts on my commute home, which is far longer than my commute in. It is incredible and fascinating and so polished and professional. It's not just a guy talking about stuff. It's amazing! I have been talking to DH about some of them, and some of the other ones I have played for the kids. DS keeps asking for the airplane and colors ones. DH has listened to all of them as they've come out over the years, as he discovered the magic of listening to podcasts on his long commutes a long time ago, and he says he's jealous of me because I have all of these episodes to look forward to. It's like when someone you know is about to start reading a really fabulous book you've already read, and you're slightly envious of the new world they're about to discover. Thank you!

[Gwenn]

Totally off topic, but I am still feeling super groggy/hungover feeling, I can only assume from the drugs. Not as much as yesterday, but it's noticeable. L, do you know how long that is likely to last?

[raspberry]

Those stories are so sad. Just recently a little kid was hit by a van, they were leaving a softball game. The little boy died. When I hear stories like that I always give G extra hugs.

On the topic of kids and husbands/fathers on our first date my dh and I talked about children. Our first date! I was 32 and I could hear my biological clock a ticking away. I figured he would either stick around or get scared off. ;)

Three weeks after we started dating my beloved dog of 16 years died suddenly. My dh was so sweet and broke the news so gently to me. That is when I knew he was a keeper.

[missychrissy]

I can't guide my kids on what they want to be when they grow up. I just know for a fact I wouldn't have wanted to hear it from my parents. It's such a personal decision to make. I'll listen and discuss, but I don't suggest career options to them. The only rule I've had is that they graduate a 2 year college at least.

I am stressing the point of majoring in something that will pay the bills, and only minoring in the 'fun' stuff that they really, really want to do if it doesn't pay decent. I nearly fell into that trap myself (by wanting to be a CASAC) and now it's almost become a battle with Bobbie. Or it would be, if I pushed harder for her to get away from the arts major and lean toward language (she was obsessed with Japanese and right up until months before she started college was going to go into Asian Studies). Since she was so adamant about art, I suggested she just take a graphic design and see if she liked it because that could earn her a paycheck while she made art in her spare time. I repeatedly told her that if her art took off, she could always quit the other job. She doesn't listen and has gotten an attitude toward me when I bring it up. Since we have so many other battles going on, I've decided to just mention it occasionally but I'm not going to push it. If she wants to accumulate debt and not be employable...well, in the end i can't really stop her.

The more important issue is that she thinks society is going to conform to her ideals. She's gauging her ears. Not only does it look hideous, but there are many employers that won't hire her with them. We've argued (read shouted) about them. We've shouted about her not liking to wear a bra. It's one thing to do that when you're just hanging around the house, but she actually went to an interview that way. When I said that was why she didn't get the job offer, that you always must dress conservatively for interviews, she got pissed at ME! Like it's some rule I've made up. She shaved her head bald. Like, totally bald. I don't know why. Then she complained that the people at work were assholes.

And last but not least, she says she's a lesbian. Fine. Whatever. I don't care either way but she talks about it all.the.time. And I mean-ALL the time. She brought her sisters up to Ithaca one day a few weeks ago and while they were up there they stopped in to visit me. They weren't there long, maybe 15-20 minutes. In that time, Bobbie brought up being a lesbian on 3 different occasions. Whatever we're talking about, she has to always go back to that. I finally asked her, "Who are you trying to convince? Us or yourself?" I honestly don't get it because I've known lots of gay people, and they almost never talk about it. They just are. What my real problem with the whole things is her hours have been drastically reduced at McDonalds. Like, they're only giving her one 6 hour day a week. She's a good worker, so I can only assume she's talked at work nonstop about that and people have gotten tired of hearing about it. They can't outright fire her, but they can make things uncomfortable enough for her to look for another job...which she has, but then she goes to an interview without a bra an gauged ears. This was before she shaved her head.

And she's still in that mode where you cannot say anything to her that is contrary to what she thinks. No matter how sweetly you try to sugar coat something, if you're not in 100% agreement with her, she will lose her ****.

I don't know how much of this is related to what happened to her just over a year ago. I suspect probably all of it. But it's frustrating, and there's definitely been a ripple effect throughout the entire family because of it.

[Smplyme89]

The family saga continues.......

I don't know if I mentioned it, but the weekend before last my mom finally owned up that she was moving out and moving in with Winner-Winner. She got all of her stuff out of the house the past week or so. They bonded my brother out this past Saturday (Woohoo, I guess ) So now my mom, J, J's ex-girlfriend/girlfriend whatever she is (A), and J and A's kid are all living with Winner-Winner.

and NOW the topping on the cake, she changed her FB status to "engaged" I am just baffled, annoyed, and a bit sickened right now. Of course she said nothing to me, but hey who am I??

Anyway... sorry to bug ya'll.... again. I just needed to get that out...

[Smplyme89]

Oh Wow Chrissy. That is just so much to take in. I really, really hurt for you mama. It has to be so hard

[Gwenn]

to both of you. I wish I had some great advice, but I don't.

[missychrissy]

I'm sorry Christina. I can get your mom wanting to move in with him. It happens, for good reasons or bad, all the time. The engagement though? Um, no. I'd be really upset too. And I'd be beyond upset seeing it on FB first.

[Smplyme89]

I'm sorry Christina. I can get your mom wanting to move in with him. It happens, for good reasons or bad, all the time. The engagement though? Um, no. I'd be really upset too. And I'd be beyond upset seeing it on FB first.

Yeah the FB thing blew me away, but I am not surprised that's how I found out they were dating too. Than she continued to lie to me and deny it for weeks. I am just at the point where I don't want to be around her at all. I have to sit there and pretend like I care about whatever the current drama is and i am just tired. Hell the divorce only became final on the 2nd!

Between the lies and blowing me off all the time I don't know who she is anymore. Certainly not my mom. She is free to make her own choices and I accept that, but I weep for the relationship with her that I have lost.

[missychrissy]

Maybe she's just going through some post-divorce phase. Hopefully she'll come around before she makes too much of a mess of her life, and of course her relationship with you.

Dating is one thing, but I'd have been upset about her lying after you discovered and asked her about it. I just cannot grasp the engagement thing on FB. Not at all. She's clearly not thinking right now and perhaps is being a bit selfish. For her own mental health, that might not be such a bad thing. Try to continue to be patient. Like you said, her divorce was only finalized on the 2nd.

I think if it were me, I might have the attitude of "you know where I live" and kinda just let her go do her thing. If she wants to see you, she'll find you. And I'd try very hard to not take it personal if weeks went by without a word.

I don't have any advice for faking enthusiasm. I never learned how and I really can't do it.

[Bridget]

Oh jeeze, where to start.
L, your back yard sounds lovely! I love creating new spaces even though I am not very organized nor do I have knack for it, but doing it for the kids I am good at. I really think a child friendly yard is priceless. Boo on the credit card scammers. Also, I want to look into radio lab but dare I say without fear of ridicule that I don't know what a podcast is. I'm so in the dark ages. I'll be lookin' into that!

Mylah, yes please continue to share. I love being reminded of these things. It's like palm to forehead because I know it and it should be obvious and simple but it's not always so easy in the moment. And YAY you found your ring. That is great news.

Chrissy, that's a tough spot. I know I keep saying this but I was pretty difficult for my mom at that age as well. I bet she felt much like you do now as far as not being able to have a conversation with me without me getting all offended about something. I hate myself for that and it's probably one of my only regrets. All that and I have no advice but to let life be her lesson. She'll figure it all out.

Ash, I agree that hearing stories like that make me cherish even the most difficult moments. "Each moment is precious." has become my mantra lately with a few tragedies surrounding us mostly friends of friends but still close enough to home to keep me up at night. I don't know if I even mentioned here that my older brother's good friend from highschool killed himself a few weeks ago so my brother made a quick trip home to the funeral. Said friend left behind two young daughters whose lives he was very involved in. It was a big shock to his community as he was a firefighter and very involved in the schools and the community in general. So sad.

Christina, I would be very hurt by your mother's actions as well. I'm sorry.

Gwenn, I'm still seething for you over that pharmacy screw up. I hope all those meds are out of your system by now.

[missychrissy]

OChrissy, that's a tough spot. I know I keep saying this but I was pretty difficult for my mom at that age as well. I bet she felt much like you do now as far as not being able to have a conversation with me without me getting all offended about something. I hate myself for that and it's probably one of my only regrets. All that and I have no advice but to let life be her lesson. She'll figure it all out.

I appreciate that because you turned out so well. It gives me hope and helps me to remember to relax and just let things be. I mean, I'll always tell her what I think, but in the end it's all up to her.

Myles, I'm very happy you found your ring.

And L, your post made me smile. Not the part about the credit card. What a nightmare! Keep us posted on who the find the culprit was. It could have been someone at the scrubs office, or their network could have been hacked. There are strict guidelines that businesses must follow if they receive credit card payments. From an IT standpoint, I'm curious to see where they dropped the ball. And because you were hurt, I want someone to have to answer for this. I wonder if the company will do anything to compensate for all the trouble you and your coworkers (and who knows who else?) has endured.

[Bridget]

Gwenn, I responded in the other thread but wanted to bring it up here too. Sawyer is 18 mos and he really has no words. His intonation is very obvious so much so that we can usually tell what he means to say. He also understands what we say to him quite well. But his only consistent words are mom and dad. Now I am thinking I should be mnore concerned.

[Gwenn]

Tell me about how he babbles and his use of gestures?

[Gwenn]

My response to you won't necessarily be the same as it was to the OP in that post ... She said something in the beginning that sounded like a big red flag to me, and later said something different. So I'm not sure if she was unclear, or if I was ... But I don't think Sawyer is regressing or losing skills. That's the biggest worry for me.

[Bridget]

Yes, I noticed that's what you were angling towards.
He babbles with clear intent and I can tell when he is saying something like, "Where did it go?" even though he is not saying those words. He points, beckons, pats where he'd like you to sit, takes your hand to lead you somewhere, waves hello and goodbye. If I tell him to get his shoes he will get them. If I ask him if he is hungry he will go to the kitchen.

[Gwenn]

Honestly, I am not horribly worried. He should have a few more words than he does at this age, but he has a lot of communicative behaviors that are precursors to language so I see no reason to believe he's not on track to start talking. I would just advise to model words consistently (if he points to the ball, ask if he wants the ball, then work "ball" into the conversation 5 times or so to give him the idea that this is what you are talking about). Otherwise, give it a few months. Some kids are just late bloomers but they turn out fine.

[demigraf]

Christina, I agree with what Chrissy speculated about your mom. Her behavior is consistent with what I've seen in a number of newly single divorcees. Some friends of mine found out their father eloped with their mom's best friend less than a year after he was single again. That was 5 years ago and I don't they've forgiven him for it yet. I, too, hope your mom doesn't do anything rash because she's drunk on too much freedom at the moment. It could be one heck of a hangover! I didn't know J had a child with A. So how far apart are Nolan and his cousin in age?

Ash, I'm confess I couldn't even bring myself to fully digest the story you shared, although I did skim it. Thank you for the warning. I carry stories around like that like a little dark cloud over my head for days after I learn of something horrible, so I admit there are times I avoid them, like this instance. Becoming a mom has caused me to become more deeply affected by stories in which children are harmed too.

Chrissy, my heart goes out to both you and Bobbie. She seems in so much pain right now. Hey if she truly is gay, she's one of the luckiest kids in the world to have you as a supportive parent. If you ever want to send her my way to California for a change of scenery for a week or so, I'll look out for her. I am a firm believer of stepping outside your milieu (there's a word I haven't used in forever) to gain a new perspective on your life. I know that sounds too easy, but there is something transformational about going somewhere brand new and feeling like a foreigner for awhile. It doesn't have to be California, but anywhere ... far away from the familiar ... I don't completely understand the mechanism behind it, but I have faith that getting away would bring on an improvement in her outlook and ability to love herself. Is that something you and she might be willing to try some time in the near future?

Erin, didn't want to forget to say that the fact that you like to imagine your Social Security payments going to some sweet little old lady is one of the maybe thousands of reasons that I love you.

Bridget, to answer your question the other day about B's night terrors, thankfully, they're not every night. They tend to occur when his nap schedule is thrown out of whack, like what happened on Sunday. I still haven't shaken the feeling that his episodes are beyond normal. I'm not even sure that they're night terrors. He's responsive to us in the middle of them, for example. And he doesn't seem frightened so much as enraged. Still his episodes are similar to night terrors in that he can't be snapped out of them; he's inconsolable for 20-30 minutes, and he self-soothes after that amount of time. I'll just keep observing him, I guess. It's pretty heartbreaking to see him get possessed like that.

Gwenn, I hope the grogginess has subsided by now.

Well, we're off early tomorrow to go camping 6 hrs away in the wilderness - just me, hubby, Bodhi and the dogs. No phones, no internet. We're meeting up with B's little buddy, Santi, & his family up there, provided we locate each other. I'm bringing a good old-fashioned book. So if you don't hear from me for awhile (and let's face it, I will likely check in with you from the road), have a great weekend. I'll leave you with a few more pages about "The Fast Food Rule", since Bridget said I could.

[missychrissy]

Myles, bless your heart I'll talk to her about it and see what she says. I'd of course 'let' her go. At 19 I think she can make her own decisions. Besides, I'm afraid to argue with her.

[missychrissy]

And my response feels very weak to me...believe me, you made my heart swell & if I weren't at work I'd probably cry because you touched me so deep with your kind offer. You're really something special Myles.