Secular Confessions

[missychrissy]

I get it Jennifer. I don't think either approach is 'wrong' but man oh man, if I worried about money I'd be a crying basket case all the time!!

I used to fret about it actually. And cry. A lot. Somehow, stuff DID work out and I learned it wasn't worth getting upset about. Not that I don't ever, never worry. But I think you kwim.

[Cosmosmom]

LOL Christina! Yeah a big 401K would be a dream! Nice thing for you is that you are young. Time is definitely your friend in saving. I had NOTHING until at least mid-20s except almost 60K in student loans. I didn't even really have my own car....or a job until I was like 24.


Chrissy I do know what you mean. I do wish my DH would just chill out sometimes but what can you do....can't change him...and it's been 14 years! Just learned to work around him. I need to give him lots of warning that a big purchase is coming up. Why I started working on the minivan 7 months ago. He needs at least a year to year and a half to prep for buying a new car. LOL

[Suja]

DH is extremely money conscious. I think it comes from his childhood, being super rich, then being dirt poor because of mismanagement of money by his father. I'm much more laid back about it, and he's always on my case about that.

As for names, I get my fair share of mispronunciations. Sooha, Sooya, Senja, Sunja, ... someone asked me if she could call me Sue, and I told her a flat out NO. It's two syllables. If you can say Dostoevsky, you sure as h*ll can say Suja.

[Smplyme89]

I am definitely the uptight one money wise. I wish DH would learn to forwarn me about purchases that he thinks we "need", but alas he hasn't gotten the memo yet.

Having a 401k is a huge stressor to me. I guess having so much experience with people who didn't/wouldn't/couldn't save for their retirement and than to watch them struggle to live on $500-$600 social security checks pains me deeply I intend on having a 401k for two, that way I don't have to stress about DH finding a job with 401k benefits (the construction field isn't exactly retirement-friendly-centered). I am only contributing 6% right now, but my employer matches that 100% so I am OK with it for now. Hopefully in the next couple of years I can focus more on it

[Bridget]

We were very poor growing up. Not that I ever knew it but my mom told me as an adult that there were stretches of time that we ate strictly what we grew and sometimes her and my dad didn't eat at all. By the time I was in highschool, both of my parents had worked their way up to the top of their companies and we were much much better off. My parents are a true testament to hard work that is for sure.
Me, I have lived paycheck to paycheck my whole life until I met dbf who is very financially responsible. Unfortunately things are rough again as he's out of work after his tendon transplant. But I don't worry. We are smart, resourceful people and I know we will always find a way. We are very lucky that our families, instead of gifts, for any holiday or birthday they put away substantial money for the kids so that is one less current worry for us.
The thing about this guy that is screwing us (B) is that he has loads of money. He married a very wealthy woman he doesn't love (this came directly from his mouth to my ear) for her money. He has no children. Him and dbf ran the business together in Hawaii taking tourists on pubcrawls. Dbf made a webpage long ago and he still makes sales off that webpage even though we don't live there anymore. Well a few weeks ago B asked him to shut down his webpage because he wants to make his own. Of course dbf said no but then yesterday he was contacted by a guy who had purchased 30 tickets asking for a refund because B is now telling dbf's customers that their tickets are not valid. So we are losing all the money from that sale and likely dbf won't be able to continue to sell the tickets. Dbf is angry and rightly so but he's always been angry and envious that B has so much money. I say B probably can't like the guy he sees in the mirror. He's well known for lying, cheating and screwing to get a buck. He doesn't love his wife and he will never have children. What is there to envy in that.
I have begged dbf to let it go. Those feelings are toxic to him I told him the kids and I would live in a one room shack if we had to and that we don't care about that money. (Although lets go back to Hawaii please if we have to live in a shack) I have no desire to be rich. To quote our favorite Raffi song, "All I really need is a song in my heart, food in my belly, love in my family." Sounds hokey but as long as my family is safe and warm and fed and living in a free country, I feel very, very blessed.

[missychrissy]

If you can say Dostoevsky, you sure as h*ll can say Suja.

I'm not sure I can

[missychrissy]

Bridget, does your dbf own part of that company still?

[Suja]

Money is, knock on wood, not a problem for us at the moment. However, we both have concerns about being able to put Mira through good schools, as well as living a decent retired life. Education is *super* expensive even now, I can't imagine what it'll be like in 16 years. Probably a million bucks to go to a decent 4 year college. I've been working since I was 16. I honestly don't want to be one of those people that has to work when they're 80 for financial reasons. If I do work, I want it to be because I want to, and not because I have to, and I would love to be able to be more giving, provide scholarships for kids that really need it, that sort of thing.

[Smplyme89]

I am not even going to begin to imagine that I'll be able to pay for Nolan to go to college. I hope to help, but he'll have to get on the ball and get scholarships like mommy did-for sure!

[Suja]

Unless your kid is an ethnic minority under represented in institutions of higher learning (mine isn't either), or good enough to get an athletic scholarship or something along those lines, they'd be taking out student loans, is my guess. Scholarships that pay for everything is exceedingly hard to find, especially if you're a) caucasian b) male.

[missychrissy]

Cornell has generous scholarship programs. I'm sure all the big schools do. 50% of 'our' kids are here on scholarships. They believe wholeheartedly that no one should be denied an education simply because they cannot afford to go. If the student gets the grades, they have a decent shot. Another thing I learned through working in Alumni Affairs is it doesn't matter if someone donates enough to build a building with their name on it, Cornell WILL NOT show favoritism to the large donors. They're constructing Gates Hall right now (in honor of Bill Gates & his contributions) and he has zero pull in getting anyone accepted here.

[Gwenn]

I'm not particularly money-focused. I worry about it my fair share right now because we are a one-income family at the moment. When DH is working we are very comfortable, but one income just doesn't work for us long term. Still, I do feel that things will work out for the best and we will find a way. My father is all about money and it drove me growing up. I'm just not that way and living with him really turned me off of that attitude. He's much more financially secure than we are, but I'm glad I don't go through with DH what I went through with my dad.

[missychrissy]

One of me & Rich's bigger issues was his instant, "We can't afford it" to any request my kids made-whether they were serious or kidding, big or small. He never had a clue how much $ we had anyway, so he had no idea whether we could or not. It was his own father's knee-jerk answer to everything, so he emulated that. It drove me nuts!

[Cosmosmom]

Eh I would like to help with college, DH not so much. Kind of hard to predict 20 years from now. No plans on paying for all of it though. But I also don't see the need for "top" schools. Or even if my kid will go to university. I wouldn't him (maybe her but most of us think we will have a boy) mind going to the local tech school and becoming a mechanic or plumber.
If our home is paid off and if we are well set for retirement, we will be more likely to help. Otherwise kid might have to wait until inheritance time.

I did have a lot in scholarships every year....and took out max federal loans, and had work study and my parents took out plus loans for undergrad. Still ended up almost 60K in student loans. Might end up paying them off just as my kid starts school. LOL

DH used to drive me crazy....but when we went through a job sudden unexpected job loss, I saw the light in his ways.
I still end up with whatever I want....just some things I have to wait a while for.

As far as retirement, we both have accounts....Dh has a roth he set up while in college since his 401k at work has no match. I have a 401k but only put in 3% as I don't get a match but right now they have a pension. if that changes, I will change that up. But I don't know that I expect to have too long a retirement anyway.....my closest relatives don't have the longest lives. Hopefully not the case for me....but DH's family does a lot better in terms of longer lives.

[Cosmosmom]

I hear those words all the time Chrissy....but at least DH knows what he is talking about since he pays the bills and balances the accounts.

[Gwenn]

Well, it must be officially hot outside. I received an "emergency excessive heat warning" from my state's department of Health. I initially thought it was some type of spam thing, but I hold my license through them and they have my contact information on file. Apparently I'm on some health provider emergency list. Too funny.

[missychrissy]

I saw Shannon posted a pic of her dash temp yesterday saying it was 124 out in Phoenix. I'm sure even I would feel hot then. But I still want to experience it so I can compare to what 100+ 80% humidity in upstate NY feels like compared to 124 degree 'dry' heat. My cousin said it's life feeling a blow dryer blowing on you constantly. I don't think I'd complain though..maybe I would. But I'd rather be hot than cold and I'm cold at least 8 months of the year here.

[Suja]

It was 117 degrees during parts of my trip to the Vegas area. For me, it sucked way worse than the 102 degree, high humidity pea soup we get in the summer.

[Gwenn]

It's like being in an oven, quite literally. I'm surprised if it was really 124, though - the car may have been heating up the air around it. The warning I got said temps from 110-115 in Phoenix which is actually normal for summer here. Phoenix has so much concrete that it's much hotter there than it is here, and the temp gap is growing every year. It was 112 here today, 109 tomorrow. Right now we just had some rain. It's 84 and just amazingly beautiful. There is nothing more incredible than desert rain.

Generally inside a car, the air heats up to 160s or higher when sitting in the sun not running which is why air conditioning is a necessity and not a luxury. Sadly, babies die every summer from being left in the car just for a short time.

[Suja]

Completely out of left field. Did day 1 of the 100 pushup challenge. Did 10-12-7-7-15. I will pay for this tomorrow, I'm pretty sure. My arms have always been a sore spot for me, so it's good to beat them up. At some point, I'd like to have enough upper body strength to do one chin-up.

[demigraf]

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[demigraf]

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[demigraf]

Well done, Soo-ha. ;) (I confess I assumed you were Latina, so that's how I first read your name). Alas, there will never be 100 pushups in my future. I tore my rotator cuff 10 years ago. I was very against having a surgery until basically last month. Saw an orthopedist a couple weeks back, had an MRI. I got a call from her today, saying she didn't see anything operable at this point. But she's getting one last second opinion from her colleague. At the least, I'll prob'ly start physical therapy again. But I'm likely destined to live with this chronic pain/weakness to some extent forever. Please stretch your arms and shoulders after each workout, Suja. For me.

Bridget, that stinks that B is so greedy. You're right. Anyone that cynical can never be happy.

Combined, DH & I do ok with cashflow in the grand scheme of things, but we could be a lot stricter with ourselves and make our money work harder for us. We're both a little too mellow about it. I'm the only one with a 401k for both of us since he's self-employed. We both come from very hard working families that started off poor and emphasized education. Our parents had way superior work/savings ethics than we do today. We're getting better at serious money management, though, while still trying to keep the lax attitude that we can live on very little. I hate being stressed about money, but also hate accounting for every penny (have never balanced a checkbook in my life), so I've always just tried to make sure I have a sizable "cushion" and don't have to concern myself with it. The net effect is that I just deal with mild worries whenever I get too close to touching the reserve.

As far as college goes, I hope Bodhi goes to one of the UC's (like Berkeley, UCLA, UC San Diego, etc) if we still live in-state. We have a modest 529 college fund for him, and it will go a lot farther if his annual tuition isn't the same as the cost of a new Jaguar. The UC schools are reputable enough for me, and -more importantly- affordable, even though they keep hiking up the tuition. I will strongly discourage him from taking out a huge loan if the public university option is available to him. When I started at Berkeley, my tuition was cheaper than my Catholic high school. I just don't want my kid(s) crippled by student loans. DH finished his 2nd degree 15 years ago and made his last loan payment just last month. He took us out for dinner to celebrate. Unfortunately, when kids sign up for large student loans, they still don't have a firm sense of the value of the dollar. $10,000 is already a lot of money for them, so whether they borrow ten grand or a hundred grand, paying it off is just some far off concept. I doubt most kids fully appreciate what they're signing up for.

DH and I still debate whether we'd let Bodhi take out an 80k loan to go to a fine arts or music school, for example. Right now we'd both argue vehemently with Bodhi against it, but we're fairly conservative that way. We've known our share of actors, musicians and wannabe record engineers with huge academic debt and little prospect of ever getting out from under it.

I can't get a hold of you, Molly! I hope you're good, mama. You have my number if you need anything. I have a feeling the next time we hear from you, you'll be a happy family of four. Here's hopin' anyway.

The temps here are still hovering around 60. I'm sorry that my complaint is that I wish it were hotter.

Bodhi fell asleep while I was typing this out. (I'm in his bed.) He was so sweet tonight, and muttered "I love you" about fifty times as he was dozing off. The night terrors are very upsetting for us all. If they're just night terrors, that's the best case scenario. But I would describe them more as "night rages" where he is crying inconsolably and trying to beat me up too. On the web, some say that these rages could be a symptom of bipolar disorder, which runs on both sides of our families.

[Gwenn]

O.M.G. I have a serious problem, for a couple of different reasons. I'm starting my Clomid dosage tonight, which the doctor has always told me to take from days 3-7 of my cycle (today is day 3). I picked up the prescription this afternoon from the pharmacy. I just went to take it now, and when I took it out of the packet (it comes in a bubble-wrap foil thing instead of a bottle) it looked to small to me. I checked the wrapper and it said .5 mg. I take two 50mg pills, and I wondered if I was crazy so I checked an old prescription bottle, that said 50mg. Then we checked the label on the outside of the package, that said 50mg. Checked the foil again, and it said .5mg. I asked DH about it and he said it didn't make any sense for the dosage to be off like that, and then left the room. I don't know what I was thinking, but I guess I figured I must be wrong about it and took the pill anyway, figuring I would call the doctor tomorrow and figure out what was wrong. Just as I took the pill, I noticed that the drug name on the foil wrap said Clonazepam. The medical name for Clomid is Clomiphene Citrate. Clonazepam is an anti-seizure medication - and the outer package from the pharmacist said Clomiphene Citrate. The #$%#$% gave me the wrong drug. So now I've taken an addictive drug that I have no need for, AND I can't start my clomid on time, meaning I may have to miss another cycle. Un-f*Q#$%#-believable. I am so angry right now I want to break something. What if I have a reaction to this? I just don't know where to start right now.

[demigraf]

Oh no, Mandy! I hope you're not having a negative reaction to the wrong med! Is there a number you can call, maybe even poison control to determine if you need to go to the ER? That pharmacist needs to lose his/her job. And once you know you're ok, I'd consider legal action.

[Gwenn]

That's pretty much how I feel. DH researched it and most likely it will just put me to sleep. I asked him if he thought I should call poison control but he didn't think there was likely to be immediate,negative consequences. He also said I would have to prove substantial harm to have any sort of legal case against the pharmacist. I don't know. I'm just mad. And my head hurts and I am a little sleepy, but it's late and the headache could well be from being mad. I do think there needs to be consequences. It nothing else, I am going to file a formal complaint.

[Bridget]

OMG Mandy I am so angry! WTF?

Mylah, those night episodes sound scary. Is it every night?

Suja-hope you are not too sore!!

My kids are up at 6am. UGh. I am so tired of them getting so early and then they are freaking little ornery bears by 3pm. Yesterday they were fighting in the afternoon so badly that I almost cancelled our library trip until I realized I'd only be punishing myself since they are much better on outings than they are at home.

[missychrissy]

Mandy, I'm so sorry I didn't come on last night & see this. I'm angry FOR you! That's absolutely ridiculous to make such a mistake! I hope you and your husband go down there and speak to the head of the pharmacy too. That person does need to be fired. Maybe you should call your dr too and see what he suggests. He may think it's ok to continue as normal, or he may ask you to wait another month. And in my opinion, if you have to wait another month, that's causing substantial emotional harm. That should be worth something.

[raspberry]

Mandy, that is unacceptable!! Is this the same pharmacy that caused you some problems awhile back? I would be livid!!

[3andMe]

Mandy, how are you feeling today? Are you doing okay? You might feel a little bit groggy or hungover this morning, and that would be an expected effect of the sleepiness. It's chemically related to medications like valium and xanax. Definitely file a complaint.