Secular Confessions

[missychrissy]

Vent alert...

So yesterday was Remy's birthday. A month ago I booked a hotel and a rental car for 2 days so we could drive to chicago, go to the zoo and the aquarium. Well dbf was being a .. well... you get the picture... and said he wasn't going. Well since I'm not 25, they were going to charge me 30 extra per day for the car (on top of the 30 per day I already paid to reserve the car ahead of time). So I drove my old beater 3 hours there and 3 hours back, hoping to some higher power it didn't break down. So yeah, I took my 2 kids, by myself to Chicago, for Remy's birthday. I am beyyyyyonnnnnd annoyed with dbf. Probably a lot more than annoyed. And also, sad for Remy. His dumb daddy didn't even tell him happy birthday when we got home. I think he didn't say anything just to spite ME. Which is completely childish. I think I'm nearing done with him. Just wish I knew how I will be able to do it on my own. I don't make enough to cover all the bills myself, possibly having to uproot my daycare to another location and hope it's close enough to my current place that the families will stick with me. Not to mention the worst part, I know that when/if we split, he'll never come around for the kids unless I force him to. JUST because he is THAT stubborn. He's told me before that we'll (me and the kids) "never see him again." Meaning he plans to take off somewhere. Makes my heart hurt.

great big Why the heck wouldn't he go with you to Chicago? Poor Remy.

To me, it sounds like emotional blackmail to say to you if you leave he's not going to be around. He's telling you he's going to do what he's going to do, and you better suck it up and deal with it or else he won't be there for his kids and it will be all your fault. I'm sorry-that's just wrong and incorrect. HE'S the one that is at fault. He chose not to go to Chicago like y'all planned. If he doesn't have anything to do with the kids, that's on HIM. 100% HIS fault. But honestly, as hard as it may be to think about, if that's how he is now, maybe they'd be better off not having him in their life. He can't promise to do things and then not do them. That's awful.

I'm irritated with him on your behalf. When you think about being on your own, don't forget you'll get child support. He can't skip out on that.

[AbbeysMom]

Vent alert...

So yesterday was Remy's birthday. A month ago I booked a hotel and a rental car for 2 days so we could drive to chicago, go to the zoo and the aquarium. Well dbf was being a .. well... you get the picture... and said he wasn't going. Well since I'm not 25, they were going to charge me 30 extra per day for the car (on top of the 30 per day I already paid to reserve the car ahead of time). So I drove my old beater 3 hours there and 3 hours back, hoping to some higher power it didn't break down. So yeah, I took my 2 kids, by myself to Chicago, for Remy's birthday. I am beyyyyyonnnnnd annoyed with dbf. Probably a lot more than annoyed. And also, sad for Remy. His dumb daddy didn't even tell him happy birthday when we got home. I think he didn't say anything just to spite ME. Which is completely childish. I think I'm nearing done with him. Just wish I knew how I will be able to do it on my own. I don't make enough to cover all the bills myself, possibly having to uproot my daycare to another location and hope it's close enough to my current place that the families will stick with me. Not to mention the worst part, I know that when/if we split, he'll never come around for the kids unless I force him to. JUST because he is THAT stubborn. He's told me before that we'll (me and the kids) "never see him again." Meaning he plans to take off somewhere. Makes my heart hurt.

Oh Liz! Not saying "Happy Birthday" and saying he'd never see the kids again if you split makes me WTH is wrong with him that he would punish his own kids? I wouldn't call him stubborn for that, but the words I have for it are all banned from APA.

And he's still have to pay child support. If you are serious there is an online calculator that figures out exactly what you could expect him to pay.

[Inca]

Uh, he'd have to get a job to pay child support. Yeah, that's an issue there too, but not the biggest one.

And yeah, well he's the one saying he's not happy. I've never told him not to leave. At least not recently, like within the last year or so. I don't think he wants me to "deal with it" really. I genuinely think he's not happy, perhaps even depressed. I used to say " Don't go, we'll work on things" but lately I just don't care and say "Fine, leave. I'm not making you stay. Do what makes you happy." but he doesn't leave, just complains all the time about how unhappy he is here. Soooo whatever.

And the reason why he ended up not going is because he's in a pattern of staying up late, sleeping all day. I really do think he's depressed. But he says he tried to go to sleep the night before (friday night) at 8:30 pm and couldn't sleep. He says he only got a couple hours of sleep and he wanted to sleep in. BUT Hello, I'm the one who didn't get INTO bed until 11pm, then was up multiple times with Seren, and even Remy woke up twice (perhaps in anticipation of going to the zoo and doing fun stuff) so I'm lucky if I got 3-4 hours of sleep, all of which was interrupted sleep. Back to him, if he would have slept in an hour or two, we wouldn't have gotten to the zoo until... 1-2pm (at the earliest) which, the zoo closes at 5 so hardly worth it. I went into the bedroom at 8am and said "I want to leave within the hour" and he flips out saying "I just want to sleep a couple hours quit waking me up" then he changed it to "I'm not going at all" so I said well go get the rental car and bring it back here and we'll go without you. I also gave him other options like "You can sleep in the car." "I'll drop you at the hotel and we'll go to the zoo without you." etc, but he didn't care.

[missychrissy]

I dunno Liz, he sounds selfish to me. I mean, like you said-you barely got any sleep at all. I think all parents go through that and yet we still do what we need to do for our kids. And that doesn't excuse him from not saying happy birthday to Remy. It's one thing to have a sleeping disorder (I have one) but it's something else to take it out on everyone else around him. Especially his own kids. I'm sorry.

[Inca]

Yeah I know. This is the kind of crap I've dealt with for hm, nearly the whole time we've been together. So for a year before kids, we split for 6 months and then got back together and immediately got pg with Remy. So basically around 6 years.

Anywho, I had to vent. I wish I had the magic solution but unfortunately I don't think there is one right now. I'm more of a wait and see kinda person, to see where life takes me. But it's hard sometimes.

[3andMe]

Liz, how incredibly awful. I'm so sad for you and your children, and despite being a complete jerk, also for your dbf. I actually got divorced from my first husband without realizing how depressed he actually was at the time, and thought he had just stopped caring. In retrospect, I don't know how things would gone if I had more insight at the time, and it's hard to force someone to work on a relationship or to try harder when he doesn't even care about himself or his life or anything, much less the people around him.

This whole trip sounds like something that would be almost forcing you to make a decision about the future of your relationship, passively taking it out of his hands. Good for you for going on your own, and I'm sorry that his absence put a sour feeling on your celebratory weekend. Regardless of his lack of sleep, he should have pulled himself up and gone. And he should try to develop a plan for going to bed earlier and getting up earlier if it is affecting his relationships and his ability to do things with his family.

[missychrissy]

And he should try to develop a plan for going to bed earlier and getting up earlier if it is affecting his relationships and his ability to do things with his family.

Yeah, like going without sleep for a day. I can guarantee he'll fall asleep at a 'normal' time the following night. That's what I used to do a lot.

[Inca]

Yeah well one reason he goes to bed so late is because of his mom. She doesn't have her license right now and he has to go pick her up from work and take her home, sometimes around 11-12 at night. Then take her to run some errands, like grocery store, so another hour sometimes. Then gets home and can't unwind for a couple more hours. Then because S sleeps with me/us in our tiny bed (and he's very tall), he doesn't want to come to bed until we wake up and he can have the whole bed for himself. We've discussed getting him a futon or air mattress for his "room/mancave" but never have done it. It really is a viscous cycle. He'd never go to counseling, or get on antidepressants or anything like that. It is moot to even suggest it.

And yeah going by ourselves, really does show me that it IS possible to handle the 2 kids on my own, albeit a bit more stressful without his help. He does help with R's bedtime, and that is pretty much it. Sometimes if I have to run a quick errand (under 30 minutes) I can leave the kids with him. Everything else is on me, like cooking, cleaning etc so I know that him being gone won't really be so big a deal in the grand scheme of things.

But like you it's hard to know where the depression ends and where his true personality comes into play. I mean, I've seen him happy it just hasn't been in a long time. And I do miss that person. I really do want him to be happy so, like I said, if him leaving will make him happy then that is what he should do. But then, he has nowhere to go, aside from his moms, which wouldn't really make things better for him, only different.

[Inca]

Yeah, like going without sleep for a day. I can guarantee he'll fall asleep at a 'normal' time the following night. That's what I used to do a lot.

And yeah, that doesn't really work for him either. Sometimes, yes. Sometimes, no. Basically he didn't sleep Thursday night, maybe a couple hours, or so he says. I don't really know cuz I'm downstairs with the kids, so I don't know when he wakes up because he stays up there til the kids leave. So by friday 830 pm when he said he was trying to go sleep, he SHOULD have been able to sleep, but still couldn't.

[AmeriBrit]

I'm sorry to hear that about your bf, Liz. What a tough situation to be in. (hugs)

We're having a spring cleaning kind of day around the house; I've taken loads of pictures of old baby clothes and maternity clothes to put on e-bay...hoping to raise some funds from the clear-out! We go on our cruise in 13 days! Yaaay!

[Smplyme89]

Oh Liz I am SO sorry mama I can't believe he missed out on his sons birthday I am shocked and saddened for poor Remy. personally I don't give two sh*ts how tired you are, how sick you are, how much you feel like crap missing your childs birthday is inexcusable. Especially when it was something so speacially planned. I can't imagine how hurt Remy must feel in this whole thing.... It seriously makes me want to I've been there as a child, and I can tell you from first hand experience that it hurts.... Many to you mama

[Inca]

Yeah Remy is going to get older and wonder where his daddy was. Actually, his second birthday was at my grandpa's house, he didn't go. Third birthday we went to chuck e yucky, he went (but it was just us 3) but then with HIS family he didn't even go (a different day-dinner) and then this year, obviously no go. He is just... I don't know. Some special breed of person who ... Idunno, doesn't like social situations.

[demigraf]

Liz, I'm so sorry to hear about your trip to Chicago and the way your DBF treated Remy on his birthday. L (3andMe) covered much of what I wanted to say. I also want to give you a hug because I know it's hard when you feel like you're the one constantly having to compensate for someone else's ... weak points... for lack of a better word. You try to be as big about it as you can... chalk it up to his depression, make allowances for it because of circumstances with his mom/job/etc. Those may all be very valid reasons for him to be self-absorbed and not the nicest person, and wherever you cut him slack is generous of you. However, at the end of the day, it's so draining to feel like you're pulling the whole bus, and it'd be nice to have someone who not only shares the load equally with you but steps in on days that you need someone to bear part of your load too. And it's hard when that person is off fighting his own demons. I've been there, mama.

It may make you not want to be there for him as his lover, and I don't think anyone would blame you. But maybe it'll give you strength in dealing with him to think of him as the father of your kids and he'll always need your help in that department; if you can help lift him out of depression, it will make him a better father, the kind who'd say Happy Birthday to his children. And they'd thank you for it if they knew.

Good luck and hang in there, Liz. Happy birthday, Remy!

[demigraf]

I love Abbey to pieces but half the time she is a walking social faux pas... just today she asked a very heavy man with a big belly if he was pregnant like mommy. I tried to cover for her and said "Oh, she says that to everyone because I'm pregnant," but then she corrected me and said "No mommy, his belly is really big. Something's in there." Yikes.

"Something's in there"... Oh no! This made me almost pee myself.

Bridget, you did great yesterday with Savana. Kiddie logic is sometimes so inexplicable, but I know deep down in there, they have their rationales for doing what they do, which is why they can be so adamant about getting what they want. Now if only they were a little better at articulating what's going on in their brains... ;) Guess that's what comes with time and maturity. You are such an accepting mama, and that's one of the things I really appreciate about you.

Mandy, how are you today? I am thinking of you and hoping you're feeling a little better/stronger today than you did yesterday. It's ok if you're not yet, though. That's what we're here for.

[Smplyme89]

Yeah Remy is going to get older and wonder where his daddy was. Actually, his second birthday was at my grandpa's house, he didn't go. Third birthday we went to chuck e yucky, he went (but it was just us 3) but then with HIS family he didn't even go (a different day-dinner) and then this year, obviously no go. He is just... I don't know. Some special breed of person who ... Idunno, doesn't like social situations.

I think this is a topic that I am a bit too touchy about to offer any sort of constructive advice, so I will just say that I am sorry for you and I am sorry for Remy. I hope that he can see beyond himself to his family, and soon

[3andMe]

"Something's in there"... Oh no! This made me almost pee myself.

Something probably IS in there--- an extra large order of curly fries or something.

Speaking of overeating, SUGAR overload on Easter. My sister organized the egg hunt for my kids, and I asked her to minimize the sugar and candy. Then my MIL sent an Easter box for the kids, with baskets and a ton of chocolate and candy for each of them, probably 30 pieces each. I took everything out except four pieces and gave them the baskets. Then we went to my sister's house, and there were tons and tons of eggs to find, and entire bags of jellybeans and whole sugar eggs and chocolate eggs and bunnies and more candy and cookies and cake and other desserts. We let them have a lot, and then put the baskets away for later. Claire had probably 5 cookies, three lemon bars, and a ton of chocolate and jelly beans. A doctor who was there actually frowned at us for putting away the baskets and asked why we were doing so (our kids were not upset about it), and said, "When we were young, it was an all-day sugar fest and there was nothing wrong with it." My dh growled privately to me and said he was mad that this guy was reprimanding him about his parenting and for being responsible. Later on, the same doctor said something to me about it during the lunch, with the same comment about how we all ate candy all day when we were young (he's only a few years older than I am). He brought several giant cookies and more candy for the kids even though we told him all sweets were being provided.

We now have the equivalent of several giant bags' worth of candy up in our closet.

Baby S. fell down and hit his head on our after-dinner walk last night, and then woke up screaming in the middle of the night. I could not tell if it was his normal middle-of the night screaming or if it was head trauma and I should be worried. I checked on him a lot during the night. He's got a big lump on his forehead.

[missychrissy]

Aw, poor baby S I hope he's ok. Goose eggs are no fun.

I'll never understand other people, particularly adults, questioning another parent's choices. It isn't anyone else's business what you allow or don't allow your kids to have.

[Inca]

Liz, I'm so sorry to hear about your trip to Chicago and the way your DBF treated Remy on his birthday. L (3andMe) covered much of what I wanted to say. I also want to give you a hug because I know it's hard when you feel like you're the one constantly having to compensate for someone else's ... weak points... for lack of a better word. You try to be as big about it as you can... chalk it up to his depression, make allowances for it because of circumstances with his mom/job/etc. Those may all be very valid reasons for him to be self-absorbed and not the nicest person, and wherever you cut him slack is generous of you. However, at the end of the day, it's so draining to feel like you're pulling the whole bus, and it'd be nice to have someone who not only shares the load equally with you but steps in on days that you need someone to bear part of your load too. And it's hard when that person is off fighting his own demons. I've been there, mama.

It may make you not want to be there for him as his lover, and I don't think anyone would blame you. But maybe it'll give you strength in dealing with him to think of him as the father of your kids and he'll always need your help in that department; if you can help lift him out of depression, it will make him a better father, the kind who'd say Happy Birthday to his children. And they'd thank you for it if they knew.

Good luck and hang in there, Liz. Happy birthday, Remy!

Thank you for saying all of this. I wish I could type more, but I'm doing so 1 handed.

[Aelith]

I got lucky this year. My MIL and SIL normally ignore anything I tell them about DD (i.e. we don't "do" princesses, but MIL got her a bunch of Disney princess crap for her birthday anyway). For Easter though, MIL gave DD $20 for college and SIL made her an Easter basket with a couple of Sesame Street toys, a book and some (unfortunately non-organic) yogurt snacks. I was really happy they followed our no-candy wishes.

Of course, today, my boss decided to surprise me for my birthday and bring me the grossest-looking cupcakes with mounds and mounds of food-coloring frosting on them (decorated with Smurfs!?) - red, blue and yellow. I said thank you and sent an email to everyone to take them, but no dice. So, I may have to drop them in a garbage on the way home. I feel guilty throwing away food, but these are disgusting.

Gwenn - how are you doing today? I was thinking a lot about you this weekend.

[missychrissy]

wow-what kind of office do you work in? I can't imagine anyone I worked with ever turning down gross cupcakes. I hate frosting-especially the thick buttermilk kind. Much too sweet for me.

Mandy, I'm thinking of you. I hope you're doing ok.

[Smplyme89]

I'll never understand other people, particularly adults, questioning another parent's choices. It isn't anyone else's business what you allow or don't allow your kids to have.

Same here. Especially when you are actually doing the responsible thing

People make comments to me all the time. According to everyone else my ways are going to make Nolan a spoiled, attached, overly dependent little boy. Despite the fact that he self amuses better than most 1 year olds I know and listens quite well 90% of the time

[Inca]

I'm gonna go back and read a few pages. I must have missed something.

And lets see, I got Remy a little bit of candy. But mostly just as bribery for the trip (ok ok, and for me too. I'm a sucker for candy in a bad way) But I admit, if/when Remy got out of hand, didn't listen, etc, it worked rather well to say "Well, I guess you won't get a jelly bean when we get back to the car."

[demigraf]

I kinda miss the days of 1-handed typing, Liz.

L, that was SO not cool that the doctor brought more sweets for the kids. I'm definitely not a no-sugar-ever mom, but I feel it's laudable - not laughable - anytime you make an effort to keep sugar down to a minimum.

Speaking of which... Suja... I responded to your comment about one of my sugar-related posts on FB, and it came out sounding totally b****y the 2nd time I read it. My apologies if that's how it came off too. I've been meaning to say that, but it always occurred to me to communicate w/ you about it while I was in the shower or on a run or otherwise away from the interwebs. Please chalk my snarky tone up to poor comic timing/sensibility and not to contempt or taking your comment too seriously. I was trying to keep your joke going, if anything. Mea culpa!

[Smplyme89]

I'm gonna go back and read a few pages. I must have missed something.

And lets see, I got Remy a little bit of candy. But mostly just as bribery for the trip (ok ok, and for me too. I'm a sucker for candy in a bad way) But I admit, if/when Remy got out of hand, didn't listen, etc, it worked rather well to say "Well, I guess you won't get a jelly bean when we get back to the car."

If it works, it works!!

[daylilies]

It's not letting me go back to page 1017 but I'm gathering what happened through the quotes, and I'm so sorry Liz. I deal with "shortcomings" from DH a lot, but that is a piece of work. Myles, what you said almost brought me to tears. I don't know if I could be that generous in that situation. I've been in some pretty bad depressions but I almost always still wished the best for Joshua even if I didn't care if I woke up in the morning.

I took this afternoon off to go to the dr. again and they think I have pneumonia. They took a chest x ray and should be getting back to me soon. I stayed home on Easter because my head hurt so bad. DH and Josh went to the inlaws. I ate 3 bowls of hot and sour soup.

Josh does get quite a bit of candy but I don't feel bad about it because he doesn't even really like it. He has some for the first few days and then forgets about it. We still have Halloween candy hanging around. DH has been taking a piece to work every day.

J, one of the kids on my bus, keeps sneaking food. He came out of his house carrying iced coffee in a water bottle and a lollipop. I took them from him and later on I turned around and he was eating and sharing peanut butter cups. I honestly don't care if he brings them to school as long as he doesn't eat them on the bus, so why would he bother taking them out on the bus if he knows I'm going to take them away? These kids say they keep getting written up but they don't get punished. It makes me mad. (it's my job to write them up but not to punish them).

[missychrissy]

Why do they have you write them up if they don't get punished?

I hope you feel better Kate.

[Smplyme89]

It's not letting me go back to page 1017 but I'm gathering what happened through the quotes, and I'm so sorry Liz. I deal with "shortcomings" from DH a lot, but that is a piece of work. Myles, what you said almost brought me to tears. I don't know if I could be that generous in that situation. I've been in some pretty bad depressions but I almost always still wished the best for Joshua even if I didn't care if I woke up in the morning.

I concur.....

I hope you feel better

How do they expect the kids to take you seriously if your "write ups" are not being followed with some sort of reprecussions

[Aelith]

wow-what kind of office do you work in? I can't imagine anyone I worked with ever turning down gross cupcakes. I hate frosting-especially the thick buttermilk kind. Much too sweet for me.

I work at a health insurance company, which might be part of it. But I think a lot of people got sugar overload over the weekend, too.

ETA: And I just realized my ticker includes a totally gross cupcake

[daylilies]

Good question ladies!

DH thinks it's in case something really serious happens, like a physical fight, they'll have the paperwork saying the kids have broken the rules before, in case a parent tries to pull "my kid is a good kid though!"

[missychrissy]

Good question ladies!

DH thinks it's in case something really serious happens, like a physical fight, they'll have the paperwork saying the kids have broken the rules before, in case a parent tries to pull "my kid is a good kid though!"

Perhaps, but I still think it leaves the school on the hook because the parents aren't notified of these little indiscretions.