Secular Confessions

[girlwonder]

Oh yeah - and housekeeping like Jen said. Find out how much a live-in housekeeper would cost and add that to the total. I have to say it again. What a jerk.

[Smplyme89]

B, you are greatly under appreciated. I am sorry. I am suppressing a lot of my 'not so nice thoughts' right now in an effort to respect that he is your man.

[pepperlru]

B, what the ever-living frak??? I... how can you not want to just punch him?
I really do sympathize, though, as someone whose partner occasionally seems to think the stuff I do all day is paltry compared to the important stuff he does ... but this is a whole other level! He knows your daycare is bringing money into the household, right? I can't even get started on the idea that spending time teaching your own children (and playing with them, interacting, etc) is not absolutely vital work. I know you already know that it is. The thing about him thinking you should be the one to chase the chicken - ugh, ugh, ugh. I don't know how you stay sane. You're amazing.

And speaking of amazing, reading through the last couple of pages of convo here has me verklempt. All of you are such extraordinary, thoughtful, conscientious, outstanding people. I'm so grateful you're willing to share your thoughts and feelings and wisdom with each other and all of us. It's really remarkable. And hugs to all in your journeys.
As for me, when I was in college I wasn't sure I wanted to be a mother, but when I unexpectedly found myself pregnant at 24 I was surprised how quickly I adapted to the idea. I felt confident from the first in my ability to be a good parent, and although I've since been humbled in many ways, I'm glad every day that this is my path. I agree with Janet, though, about the nature of happiness. We must find it where we are, and even if where we end up isn't where we thought we would, there is joy to be found in it. Definitely easier to say than live, though. I wouldn't dare to compare in any way with the struggles and heartbreak with which many of you have dealt, but I've been faced with my own sadness lately about a door in my life closing irretrievably. As you know, there are 12 years between my girls, which means they don't have a typical sibling relationship. I never really planned on having another after my first, as a single mom etc... but I really did want more. When we were able to have Noe I was overjoyed, and I've loved every moment of it. From the time she was a newborn, I wanted another fiercely. DH was done. He adores Noe, but just didn't want any more. I asked, we discussed, and he said no. For three years he said no, and then I got sick, and I turned 40, and I felt like yes, the door was closing ... but who knows, right? Life is unpredictable, and maybe ... I'm doing well, my doctor said out of the blue that if I wanted to have another it would be fine ... and dh made the appointment and had his V. I respect his choice. His reasons are valid. I thought I was ok with it, and I've been supportive, but when he had it done the grief hit me pretty strongly, and I've been struggling to climb out of it. Struggling with the realization that the choice is made, it's done, the door is closed. Every day Noe pretends she has a little brother or sister -- her dollies, her little stuffed animals -- and I wish so much I could have given her one. I'm really trying not to feel anger or resentment towards dh about it. It's hard. I feel the emotions and I don't know what to do with them. They just kind of float around and I don't feel like it's fair to dump them on him (he already knows, and what's the point anyway when it's over and done?) but they're just sort of there anyway, this haze of grief and resentment. I feel like it's just going to sit there forever and one day we'll be 70, having sunday dinner, and out of the blue I'll just dump a pot roast in his lap and pour the gravy over his head and say, "i wanted to have another baby, and you wouldn't." And I'll just cry and cry, and hate him for it. I don't want that to happen, but I don't know how to come to terms with it on my own. I suppose it'll just take time.

[missychrissy]

B, you are greatly under appreciated. I am sorry. I am suppressing a lot of my 'not so nice thoughts' right now in an effort to respect that he is your man.

It gets harder to do as time goes on. Sorry B. I can't help but think you deserve better than that.

[Smplyme89]

And speaking of amazing, reading through the last couple of pages of convo here has me verklempt. All of you are such extraordinary, thoughtful, conscientious, outstanding people. I'm so grateful you're willing to share your thoughts and feelings and wisdom with each other and all of us. It's really remarkable. And hugs to all in your journeys.
As for me, when I was in college I wasn't sure I wanted to be a mother, but when I unexpectedly found myself pregnant at 24 I was surprised how quickly I adapted to the idea. I felt confident from the first in my ability to be a good parent, and although I've since been humbled in many ways, I'm glad every day that this is my path. I agree with Janet, though, about the nature of happiness. We must find it where we are, and even if where we end up isn't where we thought we would, there is joy to be found in it. Definitely easier to say than live, though. I wouldn't dare to compare in any way with the struggles and heartbreak with which many of you have dealt, but I've been faced with my own sadness lately about a door in my life closing irretrievably. As you know, there are 12 years between my girls, which means they don't have a typical sibling relationship. I never really planned on having another after my first, as a single mom etc... but I really did want more. When we were able to have Noe I was overjoyed, and I've loved every moment of it. From the time she was a newborn, I wanted another fiercely. DH was done. He adores Noe, but just didn't want any more. I asked, we discussed, and he said no. For three years he said no, and then I got sick, and I turned 40, and I felt like yes, the door was closing ... but who knows, right? Life is unpredictable, and maybe ... I'm doing well, my doctor said out of the blue that if I wanted to have another it would be fine ... and dh made the appointment and had his V. I respect his choice. His reasons are valid. I thought I was ok with it, and I've been supportive, but when he had it done the grief hit me pretty strongly, and I've been struggling to climb out of it. Struggling with the realization that the choice is made, it's done, the door is closed. Every day Noe pretends she has a little brother or sister -- her dollies, her little stuffed animals -- and I wish so much I could have given her one. I'm really trying not to feel anger or resentment towards dh about it. It's hard. I feel the emotions and I don't know what to do with them. They just kind of float around and I don't feel like it's fair to dump them on him (he already knows, and what's the point anyway when it's over and done?) but they're just sort of there anyway, this haze of grief and resentment. I feel like it's just going to sit there forever and one day we'll be 70, having sunday dinner, and out of the blue I'll just dump a pot roast in his lap and pour the gravy over his head and say, "i wanted to have another baby, and you wouldn't." And I'll just cry and cry, and hate him for it. I don't want that to happen, but I don't know how to come to terms with it on my own. I suppose it'll just take time.

You are such an undersatnding person and I hope that you find peace and even happiness in this

It is precisely the reason I have not shut the door on DHs desire to have more children. I love being a mom, I do, and I know I will never EVER regret having them. Not having them though, I believe could have been more damaging to my marriage than even an affair. His desire to be a father runs deep and the couple times I mentioned NO children the pain in his eyes showed me what would happen would that be true. He would stay, with me, in all his misery.

It gets harder to do as time goes on. Sorry B. I can't help but think you deserve better than that.

I would never want to over step my boundaries and tick B off, I think she could totally kick my a$$ :hide:

[MashedUp]

And speaking of amazing, reading through the last couple of pages of convo here has me verklempt. All of you are such extraordinary, thoughtful, conscientious, outstanding people. I'm so grateful you're willing to share your thoughts and feelings and wisdom with each other and all of us. It's really remarkable. And hugs to all in your journeys.
As for me, when I was in college I wasn't sure I wanted to be a mother, but when I unexpectedly found myself pregnant at 24 I was surprised how quickly I adapted to the idea. I felt confident from the first in my ability to be a good parent, and although I've since been humbled in many ways, I'm glad every day that this is my path. I agree with Janet, though, about the nature of happiness. We must find it where we are, and even if where we end up isn't where we thought we would, there is joy to be found in it. Definitely easier to say than live, though. I wouldn't dare to compare in any way with the struggles and heartbreak with which many of you have dealt, but I've been faced with my own sadness lately about a door in my life closing irretrievably. As you know, there are 12 years between my girls, which means they don't have a typical sibling relationship. I never really planned on having another after my first, as a single mom etc... but I really did want more. When we were able to have Noe I was overjoyed, and I've loved every moment of it. From the time she was a newborn, I wanted another fiercely. DH was done. He adores Noe, but just didn't want any more. I asked, we discussed, and he said no. For three years he said no, and then I got sick, and I turned 40, and I felt like yes, the door was closing ... but who knows, right? Life is unpredictable, and maybe ... I'm doing well, my doctor said out of the blue that if I wanted to have another it would be fine ... and dh made the appointment and had his V. I respect his choice. His reasons are valid. I thought I was ok with it, and I've been supportive, but when he had it done the grief hit me pretty strongly, and I've been struggling to climb out of it. Struggling with the realization that the choice is made, it's done, the door is closed. Every day Noe pretends she has a little brother or sister -- her dollies, her little stuffed animals -- and I wish so much I could have given her one. I'm really trying not to feel anger or resentment towards dh about it. It's hard. I feel the emotions and I don't know what to do with them. They just kind of float around and I don't feel like it's fair to dump them on him (he already knows, and what's the point anyway when it's over and done?) but they're just sort of there anyway, this haze of grief and resentment. I feel like it's just going to sit there forever and one day we'll be 70, having sunday dinner, and out of the blue I'll just dump a pot roast in his lap and pour the gravy over his head and say, "i wanted to have another baby, and you wouldn't." And I'll just cry and cry, and hate him for it. I don't want that to happen, but I don't know how to come to terms with it on my own. I suppose it'll just take time.

I just wanted to offer hugs. I am in a similar boat although not as finalized. A big part of me wants another baby, but I know DH is done. We haven't had a serious discussion about it but I know he feels that way. A part of me is done too, but part aches for another baby even though I have two beautiful ones. DH is pushing me to get rid of baby stuff around the house and I already resent him for that.

[AmeriBrit]

I'm on my phone so can't type much, but I just wanted to send hugs to all of y'all. I can say that I am very lucky for the life I have right now. Very lucky. Love you, girls. I'm off to bed now. See you tomorrow. Xoxo

[Bridget]

Pepperlu, that is a very difficult thing to be reconciling with and I perfectly understand why you are having those feelings. I wish I knew how best to cope with them, since I really see what you mean about how talking to dh about it may not be productive. Perhaps just one time, if you told him you needed to get it off your chest. And hopefully he would comfort you. Otherwise, I sure hope talking to us about it helps. *pretend I started new paragraph****** As far as dbf, I'm happy to do the amount of work I am doing, honestly. I consider it a great blessing to be able to homeschool my kids. It's just what I want to be doing. I wouldn't say a word about his lack of involvement if he didn't make disparaging remarks. It's just plain rude and it makes me feel like I have to defend myself, which makes it look like I am biatching about what I do. Also, i think our children do suffer from his lack of involvement. But I know that goes without saying in here.

[Gwenn]

Kate, as far as parenting goes, I had a conversation at work with a parent recently and immediately thought I wanted to share it with you girls (and then didn't). Now is the perfect time.

This mom had a little boy who was really difficult behavior-wise and he was her second child. After we went through our whole report and talked about all the areas he needed some support with, she said (I'm paraphrasing), "You know, my oldest son was really easy. He was the perfect child from day one. He slept well, ate well, never had tantrums, and everything was like clockwork. I assumed I was just an amazing parent and walked around looking down at all the other parents who had kids who were tantrumming and not listening and behaving poorly and not sleeping. Clearly those parents must have been doing something wrong. And then I had my second son, and raised him the exact same way, and none of it worked. I realized I was incredibly lucky the first time around and none of it had anything at all to do with my parenting skills. I'll never judge another mother again."

I think there is a lot to be learned from that. Cut yourself some slack. That goes for all of you!

[pepperlru]

Mandy, that's a great story. And so true. DD1 was a really easy baby -- great sleeper, great eater, growing well, sweet and happy. I tried not to gloat about it, but I did think I was doing a pretty great job and "eh, this parenting thing's not so hard." And then when she hit about 2.5, she hit some huge snags in her development. Terrible meltdowns, nightmares, night terrors, separation anxiety disorder. Big stuff. And suddenly I was that mom with a kid screaming her head off on the floor of the store, or scratching my hands and arms bloody to keep hanging on to me when I took her to school. It taught me humility in a hurry. Now when I hear a mom saying things like "My kids will never..." or "I'll have control over my kids..." or "You just have to know how to handle them..." I just laugh a little to myself. Their time is coming.
And my second child, knock on wood, is easy-tempered and sweet-natured. And I never, ever take it for granted, nor do I feel like it's anything I've done. Many people have said, when they meet Noe, "You must be a great mom," and I tell them that we're lucky. She just came that way.

[Bridget]

I haven't had an easy one. My three have all, and continue to, humble the sh!t out of me.

[daylilies]

Thanks for the story, Mandy. I don't think it's my parenting that has caused his behavior but it's my behavior that has exacerbated the issues, if that makes any sense. I feel like if I were able to calmly and rationally deal with his difficult behavior maybe he'd also be able to relax a little bit too.

After all your parenting confessions today, calling a therapist and a couple blogs that made me cry, I feel like I am starting fresh.

[Gwenn]

Thanks for the story, Mandy. I don't think it's my parenting that has caused his behavior but it's my behavior that has exacerbated the issues, if that makes any sense. I feel like if I were able to calmly and rationally deal with his difficult behavior maybe he'd also be able to relax a little bit too.

After all your parenting confessions today, calling a therapist and a couple blogs that made me cry, I feel like I am starting fresh.

Well, there is always more to be learned and good for you for reaching out. I hope you do get a fresh start.

I meant to say I saw your link to Josh's Lego Blog on facebook and was so impressed (well, not by the blog - I haven't looked at that yet, but I'm sure when I do I'll love it) but really by the image of you helping him with his blog. So sweet and such a loving mama to foster his interests like that. It's something I'm not sure my mother would have taken the time to do for me when I was Josh's age (had blogs existed back then!)

[daylilies]

Thank you! I figure, I'm an internet junkie, he likes Legos, let's make this work!

He loves projects, but the problem is finding one he wants to stick with. He has many books in progress where I write what he wants to say and he draws the pictures. He's writing and illustrating a sequel to The Lorax, for one. A lot of times his project ideas are too grandiose and he loses interest quickly. I think he'll like the blog because he can update it as much as he wants and he won't have to worry about losing it if he forgets about it for a while.

[missychrissy]

...I realized I was incredibly lucky the first time around and none of it had anything at all to do with my parenting skills. I'll never judge another mother again."

I think there is a lot to be learned from that. Cut yourself some slack. That goes for all of you!

Awesome story. And very true. Bobbie and Jesi had the same economic status, the same parenting styles, the same clothes and everything. They are night and day from each other.

I feel like I am starting fresh.

That is a good thing.

[daylilies]

Is this new picture too big?

[missychrissy]

It's too cute! That's for sure!!!

[daylilies]

I fixed it! And thanks

[Suja]

Gretchen, I'm sorry you have all this angst about not having any more kids. It gives me some perspective into what DH must feel. There are times I think we should separate, so he can go marry someone else, and have the dozen kids he wants. Unfortunately, he appears to be entirely too loyal.

I have a friend that had a child, after STC for ages. She was (is) over the moon about it, but her husband is completely ambivalent, and uninvolved. He has adult children, and was done. He agreed to more kids because she wanted them so badly, but near as I can tell, he is just the sperm donor who happens to live in the same house. She doesn't seem to care, but as the kid grows up, I can't help but think that this will have an impact on him.

Like Kate, I'm pretty sure that my handling is making Mira's behavior worse. When I remember to do it the "right way", she is infinitely better behaved, but I either can't summon up that kind of patience all the time, or I forget what I am supposed to be doing. I am entirely convinced that this will not change, and will likely get worse, much worse, over time. Fact is that I have been hoping for years that it will get better, and because of how it has all turned out, I'm fresh out of hope. If I'm wrong, I'd be ecstatic, but I'd rather not get my hopes up in that department.

And Mandy, that's the exact same story my neighbor told me. Their daughter was quite a handful as a toddler/young child, but has matured into a lovely teenager.

[Krystal5]

Bridget, he just sucks!! You deserve so much better... He sometimes reminds me of my husband, except way more extreme... I hope I don't over step my boundaries here, and everyone else probably already knows, but why do you stay with him? <hugs>

Gretchen, that is so tough... I'm sorry. That's kind of how I feel, except I can't blame my husband. Sometimes I wish I really believed in God so I could metaphorically dump a pot roast in his lap!! And Maiya and Noe are so much alike... Maiya really really wants a baby, too, and it makes me feel so bad for her that she's alone. Maybe we should do time-share on our only children, you can have them both for a week, and I'll have them both for a week, hah!

Well, gotta go tend to my sick kid (oh, I hope this doesn't mess up our camping trip this weekend!!), will try to respond more later tonight.

[pepperlru]

Is this new picture too big?

Didn't see how big it was before, but it's so cute! Love it!