07-01-2013, 11:37 PM
I left the house with the twins to drop off our youngest for preschool this morning and didn't end up getting back home until 5 PM. We just kept finding stuff to do. We were at one playground and there was a mom sitting on the ground and she beckoned me over and asked if she could beg me for a favor. She said she'd just split her shin open to the bone and she was going to need sutures. She was on hold with 911 but in the meantime she was just holding her hand over her wound and blood was seeping through it and she also didn't have her purse with her since she lived only a block away. I grabbed a Maxi pad out of my diaper bag and told her to hold it over the injury and DS and I trotted over to my car to get my first aid kit. We gave her a simple field dressing and found out she was a paramedic and the kids milling around her were twins, too. I ended up patching her up enough that she felt able to walk back to her house and drive herself, since she didn't think an ambulance would have car seats, although I'd offered to go get her car seats and take her and her kids to the hospital.
That was our excitement for the day. A lot of the day we spent wandering through rose gardens.
I've been following with interest the conversation on rewards/punishment, but I'm too tired right now to put much of a coherent thought together.
07-02-2013, 07:34 AM
Omg L! What a crazy situation. How did she do that? Thank goodness you were there with a maxi pad!!
07-02-2013, 08:16 AM
I am really enjoying this conversation. It is a learning experience for me being that Nolan is still so young and generally speaking (when we aren't having a meltdown) he is actually pretty compliant.
I think most of my parenting struggles actually stem from me and my issues.
Things are a little crazy, but I'm loving every minute of it My Blog
07-02-2013, 08:27 AM
That is true for most of us. I am doing some soul searching myself, in that regard. For me it comes down to an issue of unconditional love. Of course I feel that for my children but do they feel it? Did I feel it from my mom? No. ch may be why I lied to her during most of adult life because to disappoint her felt like losing her love. And I think I was heading down a path of making my kids feel that there are conditions to my affection, in small subtle ways. I will share more later from some things I have been reading, mostly for affirmation and inspiration, anyone is interested.
07-02-2013, 09:14 AM
07-02-2013, 09:21 AM
07-02-2013, 09:39 AM
I'm considering keeping a list of things where we do reward/punishment, to see what if any can be just let go. I'd like to think that I'm only doing that with things of importance, but probably not.
There are some things where I can be lenient, but the fallout can be significant. For instance, if I didn't insist, she will not take a shower (it's 11:00, she has been out for two hours, and OMGSTINKY!). She won't sleep until after 11:00, wake up by 9:00, and be whiny/cranky/tantrumy the whole day the next day (und so weiter). She'll pick at food, be hungry half an hour later, and insist on junk (even if it is her gummy vitamins).
07-02-2013, 10:32 AM
07-02-2013, 10:39 AM
I'm curious if Josh is really headstrong or if I just don't know how to deal with him, because if I let him not brush his teeth one night, I'll forever hear about "But you didn't make me do it that one time!" That's why, as much as I want to give him choices, I have to make sure there are no negative effects if he decides to make that choice every time. He will have cavities if I don't insist every day that he brushes his teeth. And I'm not able to just say "oh well" if he goes to bed crying because I made him brush his teeth, because it negatively affects me as well.
Speaking about natural consequences, most of Josh's decisions actually affect me more than him and I'm having a hard time having that "oh well" attitude. He might not care if he drags his feet getting ready for the bus and I have to drive him (which never happened yet, but just as an example), but I do. What if in the future I work or go to school, and he decides to miss the bus because he actually prefers if I drive him? Then I get the negative effects of being late for work or school and he gets no consequences.
Not to mention, DH would never get behind not having any rewards or punishments for things. He claims the reason (or a big one, anyway) he dropped out of high school was because his parents decided to stop rewarding him for doing well.
I think it sort of occurred to me, while reading through your posts, that we take away things Josh doesn't consider rewards. Taking away story time at bedtime probably doesn't look like taking away a reward to him. It looks like we're messing up his routine. I should probably stop doing that at least.
We got a rewards chart app the other day that keeps track of chores and bad behavior. You can assign stars, points or a monetary value to each chore and put a negative amount for bad behavior. We've only been doing that for a few days but I think that helps. We used to have a reward chart for good behavior at bedtime, which has improved, but we still have our bad nights!
I think the problem is mostly with DH and me. It occurred to me when we took Josh to the therapist last week. The only thing I could really come up with that was inappropriate behavior was that he doesn't listen well. You need to tell him to brush his teeth (for example) 5 times before he'll go do it. The rest is just stuff that can be grating on the nerves but isn't really "bad behavior".
07-02-2013, 10:51 AM
07-02-2013, 11:22 AM
You know, I think that we overthink this stuff. Neither of my parents ever said 'I love you'. Ever. Yet, it never occurred to me that they might not. They showed they cared, by the way they acted. Even when I was being punished, I never doubted that it was for anything but MY good, and that my parents wouldn't have bothered if they didn't care.
07-02-2013, 11:43 AM
I suppose some kids just say this without thinking, but Josh has said he doesn't think I love him when I punish him. And I say it all the time. I guess kids have different reactions to being punished. My husband says that when he was punished he never repeated the offense. He was smacked though and I don't support that.
07-02-2013, 11:46 AM
07-02-2013, 11:54 AM
07-02-2013, 11:55 AM
I do have to agree that actions speak louder than words Suja.
ETA: I am finding this conversation to be a difficult one. There is not much I can say, that doesn't come across as... bitter.
Last edited by Smplyme89; 07-02-2013 at 11:58 AM.
Things are a little crazy, but I'm loving every minute of it My Blog
07-02-2013, 12:10 PM
Christina, In case you didn't know, bitter is okay. I've been extremely fortunate in having what appears to have been an idyllic childhood (it sure as heck didn't feel like it at the time). Others are not so lucky. It speaks volumes about the character of the people who endured, and survived.
07-02-2013, 12:11 PM
07-02-2013, 12:18 PM
07-02-2013, 12:22 PM
07-02-2013, 12:24 PM
I am not trying to find perfection, but when I see that something is not working I will change it. And the whole reward chart/punishment/taking things away was not working. Too much negative. Too much reward seeking.
Kate, that is how I feel about the bedtime story. A routine that ingrained is like a promise.
07-02-2013, 12:39 PM
07-02-2013, 12:47 PM
I don't know about 30, Chrissy, but they will, by the time they're 40, for sure! I don't think that even the most mature and level headed of teenagers really understand fully how much their parents do for them.
07-02-2013, 12:49 PM
07-02-2013, 12:49 PM
07-02-2013, 12:59 PM
I do take away story time. As in, Mira has a choice in when she goes to bed. If she goes to bed early, she gets basically unlimited # of books/stories (usually, up to 3 of each). The later she chooses to go to bed, the fewer books/stories she gets. If she goes to bed after 10, there are no books or stories, because it really is just too late. Stories are a huge incentive for her to go to bed at a reasonable hour, about the only one.
07-02-2013, 01:17 PM
07-02-2013, 02:01 PM
Yes. None of us can be perfect and sometimes, no matter how hard we try, we will be a disappointment to our children. And, to be completely honest, there will be times they disappoint us as well. We still love them, and they still love us, but I absolutely agree with Chrissy that kids and teens don't understand our challenges, fears, struggles. I think that's how it should be, because it's not their burden to bear, but I'd be lying if I said I didn't wish occasionally that my teen had an inkling of how hard i work to be a good parent and how difficult and frustrating it can be. I do believe she knows how deeply I love her, but showing unconditional love has always been easy for me. I am certain that I'm failing her in other ways that she resents now, or will resent when she's an adult.
Originally Posted by missychrissy
-- mom to DD1 1/98 and DD2 10/09
07-02-2013, 02:03 PM
I've found the discussion on rewards interesting, but I haven't had a lot of time to post here lately, especially with being on my phone most of the time when I log on to here. Discussions like that deserve the key board for typing out one's thoughts. Around here, we have really spiralled out of control lately with the asking for a reward for every little thing. Travis will do something silly like snatch a toy from Cash and I'll tell him off, so he'll hand it back and then will say, "I did something good; can I have a treat?" Rich finally said enough is enough, so we've been trying to wean ourselves off the indulgence of treats. What I've started doing is dishing out points to him since he loves games where he scores points like Sonic the Hedgehog. In the morning he starts off with zero and when he does something good, I'll remind him that his points are going up. Some times he runs up to me and says, "I've done 3 good things this morning, so how many points do I have?"
On a totally different topic, Travis had his first ever play date with someone from school, and he had a great time. I'm really proud of him. I was never allowed at any school friends' houses when I was growing up and always felt awkward around people, and I don't want the same for Travis. He had a lot of fun and wants to go back again. I feel like I'm making up for all the lost time I had growing up by making friends now. It's funny comparing what I'm like now to what I was like as a child....I'm very different!
07-02-2013, 02:18 PM
Mira had her first play date on Friday, and it went so well, she threw an absolutely massive tantrum when she had to leave, and cried all the way home. I told her that we'll ask them to come over, but she doesn't want them to come here, she wants to go there and sleep with Sophia (her classmate's sister, who is 6 years old). I don't think we'll be asked back
Last edited by Suja; 07-02-2013 at 02:30 PM.
07-02-2013, 02:22 PM
Haha. Travis nearly did the same. He got his angry voice and was like, "I don't want to go home!" but I diffused it by saying, "Let's have a treat when we get home." I know, I know...see, bad me with the food rewards again! He asked if he could go back again tomorrow, but I said we'd have his friends over next time at our house once school is out for the summer at the end of July.