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Thread: Secular Confessions

  1. #41731

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    C'tina, what you wrote made perfect sense. I think you & I have some of the same issues in the communication realm. On the one hand, my DH tries very hard too. (It sounds to me like you guys deserve more than a D for effort, btw.) On the other, he is pretty uncomfortable about expressing his emotions. He can articulate them ("I'm feeling kinda bummed right now"), but when it comes to showing them, it's extremely hard for him, and it seems like when he's choking back a feeling, it comes out as irritation more than anything else. So when it comes to me talking about my feelings, he has subtle ways of shooing them away and that's almost never constructive. The only emotion of mine he seems comfortable with is when I break down and cry. Then I think he sort of relishes being the 'big strong arms' that I collapse into, but it still stays very superficial. Like yours, I think my DH also suffers from disorganized thoughts. His brother has Asperger's, and I suspect DH has an undiagnosed attention disorder himself. There are times he's trying to make an argument for something, and he'll lose his train of thought entirely and start making a case for the other side of the argument. That's pretty bad.

    And Bridget, with my DH too, I feel like he's constantly just waiting for me to finish what I'm saying so he can go back to talking about what he wanted to talk about. DH is a very “here’s my $#|+” type of conversationalist. I think it comes from growing up in a family of 8 children. All my in-laws are very aggressive talkers, probably learned from years of having to fight over 7 other voices to be heard, and they’re equally aggressive at not listening nor responding thoughtfully before moving onto the next $#|+ they want to lay on you. Often times, DH starts talking and it’s like the train just pulls out of the station. There’s no stopping it. The other day I was asking him the best way to get over to the Golden Gate Bridge at that time of day, and he started giving me this really convoluted set of directions. So I say, “That’s ok, nevermind. I’ll just take the straightforward route.” And he completely didn’t hear me. He just kept going. So I said again, “It’s ok. I’ll just take 19th.” Still, he kept going – turn for turn – with no sense that there was no way I’d be able to remember all that without writing it down. So then I shouted, “Stop!” And finally he stopped, but he was SO wounded by how forceful I had to be. But seriously, that’s how aggressive I have to be to make sure I’m heard.
    Last edited by demigraf; 06-04-2013 at 10:56 AM.

  2. #41732
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    Myles, google "Broader Autism Phenotype." This is NOT a disorder or diagnosis (by definition) but it is a cluster of mild characteristics that are seen much more strongly in individuals who do have autism or Asperger's. BAP is found in siblings and family members of people with Autism. I actually suspect I have it myself. I have the impulsivity and disorganization and even the need to interrupt. I also tune DH out all the time and he gets really frustrated when he is talking nd I'm not paying close attention to every little detail.

    Again - not a disorder. To diagnose autism or other related developmental disorders, the characteristics need to significantly impair aspects of living. So BAP is not an autism spectrum disorder. It's just a cluster of personality traits that show up in family members but aren't bad enough to warrant a label or a diagnosis. Given your last post, wouldn't surprise me at all if he had BAP.
    Last edited by Gwenn; 06-04-2013 at 11:46 AM.
    Me (39) DH (46) & furbabies * m/c 7/08 4/12 11/12

  3. #41733
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    Quote Originally Posted by demigraf View Post
    C'tina, what you wrote made perfect sense. I think you & I have some of the same issues in the communication realm. On the one hand, my DH tries very hard too. (It sounds to me like you guys deserve more than a D for effort, btw.) On the other, he is pretty uncomfortable about expressing his emotions. He can articulate them ("I'm feeling kinda bummed right now"), but when it comes to showing them, it's extremely hard for him, and it seems like when he's choking back a feeling, it comes out as irritation more than anything else. So when it comes to me talking about my feelings, he has subtle ways of shooing them away and that's almost never constructive. The only emotion of mine he seems comfortable with is when I break down and cry. Then I think he sort of relishes being the 'big strong arms' that I collapse into, but it still stays very superficial. Like yours, I think my DH also suffers from disorganized thoughts. His brother has Asperger's, and I suspect DH has an undiagnosed attention disorder himself. There are times he's trying to make an argument for something, and he'll lose his train of thought entirely and start making a case for the other side of the argument. That's pretty bad.
    YES! O.M.G. YES! It drives me mad and he'll forget whether he is for/against something and we'll have to have the discussion all over again. There are a range of (what is the proper term? mental disability's?) in his family. None of which have any official diagnoses, being that (and this is going to sound awful, so awful) I don't think any of them have the intelligence level to recognize anything needs being addressed Half of his brothers/sisters and a good chunk of his cousins are mostly illiterate and the remainder have some range of attention disorder and/or socialization issues like my husband.

    Is it bad that I can't help but worry for Nolan? I plan on having him evaluated when he gets older, regardless of whether I feel he exhibits traits or not. Just for my own piece of mind. DHs 'issues' are mild enough that I think if he had some therapy and help learning to cope he would be so much better off. Especially for the social anxiety that he exhibits. We've been together for 9 years and he barely can maintain a conversation with my mom and aunt, two people that he has had regular contact with our entire relationship. He literally, and I li-ter-ally, does not have a single friend that he has not known since elemtary school. He can't seem to make new connections with people.
    Last edited by Smplyme89; 06-04-2013 at 11:54 AM.

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  4. #41734

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    My husband often talks just to fill the silence. He knows I can't really relate to or follow certain topics such as the computer game he's playing at the moment or a story filled with shop talk about work (he automatically uses abbreviations and terms a layperson would not know) but he yammers on and on just to fill the silence. It bothers me that he feels like silence between us is awkward and not comfortable even though I know we're very comfortable with each other. It actually makes my head hurt to hear people talk non-stop and both DH and Josh do it. LOL

    Myles, at least your husband is comfortable holding you while you cry. DH tends to ignore it unless we're both crying, such as during a tv show or movie.

  5. #41735

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    I have the hardest time focusing when my husband is talking because he is a slow thinker/talker (not that he's "slow") and 95% of the time I already know what he's trying to say or explain. I am super impatient and it is all I can do to not interrupt and finish his sentences. I am a multi-tasker (I can read a book and watch tv at the same time), so I often want to be doing something else while he's talking. Oh and he ALWAYS starts conversations in his head and then randomly starts speaking out loud in the middle of his thoughts, so first I have to figure out WTF he is talking about.
    AKA Lisa724

  6. #41736
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    3andMe is offline Every day is a gift. It's just... does it have to be a pair of socks? Hopelessly Devoted
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    Passion and eroticism require distance, not sameness. The security generated by closeness can cause our mate to feel more like a sibling rather than a lover. Eroticism is about the ongoing expression of desire for our mate. It requires individual sovereignty where I take responsibility for my own desire and arousal, not abdicating my responsibility by placing that burden on my mate. Itís refusing to believe I know my mate and instead choosing to see them as a deep mystery that I could spend 100 years trying to uncover only to still be surprised. Itís not my mate that has to change, for passion to occur I have to change how I see my mate and be honest with myself about who I am
    I don't know if I agree with this entirely. I think it could be partially true, and part of being in a long-term relationship is always being able to keep things interesting for you and your partner. But I still feel that spark when my DH is at his most predictable--when we're at an event and someone says or does something and I just know exactly what my DH will be thinking in response to that. And I raise my eyes to meet his glance across the room and he knows I know what he's thinking. I don't think that is a 'pseudo-intimacy' if I can feel so drawn to him because I know him so well. Of course, there are times I expect him to do something I don't appreciate (like forget to do something I asked, for the third time), and that's predictability that is not a turn-on except for weirdos, but I don't think it's possible to make a sweeping generalization about familiarity being the enemy of desire. Maybe my general love of orderliness has taken over my entire body, though. And also, my DH has a ton of enthusiasm and passion for learning, and his job, and his projects, and when we do get a chance to actually talk we often have new things to tell each other.


  7. #41737
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    Quote Originally Posted by 3andMe View Post
    I don't know if I agree with this entirely. I think it could be partially true, and part of being in a long-term relationship is always being able to keep things interesting for you and your partner. But I still feel that spark when my DH is at his most predictable--when we're at an event and someone says or does something and I just know exactly what my DH will be thinking in response to that. And I raise my eyes to meet his glance across the room and he knows I know what he's thinking. I don't think that is a 'pseudo-intimacy' if I can feel so drawn to him because I know him so well. Of course, there are times I expect him to do something I don't appreciate (like forget to do something I asked, for the third time), and that's predictability that is not a turn-on except for weirdos, but I don't think it's possible to make a sweeping generalization about familiarity being the enemy of desire. Maybe my general love of orderliness has taken over my entire body, though. And also, my DH has a ton of enthusiasm and passion for learning, and his job, and his projects, and when we do get a chance to actually talk we often have new things to tell each other.
    I knew there was something 'off' about that as well L, and you summed it up perfectly. For me, intimacy and passion grew exponentially through the years because of familiarity. And there's a level of comfort there you cannot have. I was totally free to be passionate with abandonment. And maybe that's a quirk with me, but I definitely need familiarity and connection to feel a truly deep passion.

    I knew exactly what you meant when you said you could look at your dh and he'd know you knew. There is a thrill of excitement that generally comes with those little moments.

    Mama to Bobbie 20 ~ Jesi 18 ~ Syd 14 ~ Conner 6
    I'm gonna be a Gramama! Jesi is due 11/22/13


  8. #41738

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    .
    Last edited by pepperlru; 06-04-2013 at 01:28 PM.
    -- mom to DD1 1/98 and DD2 10/09


  9. #41739

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    I get those moments with DH a lot. For all our quibbles and feeling like we're not on the same page, we have a lot of those little moments where we're thinking the same thing or we'll say the same thing at the same time with the same inflection and everything. At the same time, there is no real passion between us. We get each other like any two people who have lived together for 16 years probably would, but I don't feel like we connect on a deeper emotional or passionate level. It's hard to explain.

  10. #41740
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    It's a boy ladies!

    Last edited by Smplyme89; 06-04-2013 at 02:50 PM.

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  11. #41741
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    I'm always asking dh questions to try to find out more about him, and he's all, "I've already told you everything." lol I feel lucky in that our physical attraction is still as strong as our emotional one. I wonder if that has to do with that we were both squares as teens and only let loose when we met each other in our early 20s.

  12. #41742

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    I can kind of see what you guys mean about familiarity. But honestly? It makes me go "Awwww..." like I would to a puppy or want to give DH a big wet one or feel delight that our brainwaves crossed for a moment. (We do feel a lot of affection for one another after leaving a party and know before comparing notes that we hated the same people.) However, it does NOT make me want to throw my DH on his back and make him my personal jungle gym. I suspect sexual history may have an influence on one's sense of eroticism. And that's all I'm gonna say about me where that's concerned.

    I'm curious about what was unsaid in the blank posts above. But share only if you feel comfortable, of course, ladies.
    Last edited by demigraf; 06-04-2013 at 02:45 PM.

  13. #41743

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    Quote Originally Posted by Gwenn View Post
    Myles, google "Broader Autism Phenotype." This is NOT a disorder or diagnosis (by definition) but it is a cluster of mild characteristics that are seen much more strongly in individuals who do have autism or Asperger's. BAP is found in siblings and family members of people with Autism.
    Thank you for this. I wonder, if it turns out he has it, how knowing about this could help him. I will definitely start a-Googlin' when I get home tonight. I wonder if I have it as well. I definitely struggle with attention.

  14. #41744
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    I don't know why it didn't post the first time.... but I updated mine

    Things are a little crazy, but I'm loving every minute of it My Blog


  15. #41745
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    Quote Originally Posted by demigraf View Post
    Thank you for this. I wonder, if it turns out he has it, how knowing about this could help him. I will definitely start a-Googlin' when I get home tonight. I wonder if I have it as well. I definitely struggle with attention.
    You don't have it.

    And how it could help, it's more of an explanation than anything else. There are some strategies you could try (social thinking curriculum, Bridget?). But if he's functioning okay, he's functioning okay. No need to fix what isn't broken.
    Last edited by Gwenn; 06-04-2013 at 02:55 PM.
    Me (39) DH (46) & furbabies * m/c 7/08 4/12 11/12

  16. #41746

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    Oh, wait.... Christina... you know your GIF didn't show up, right?!? I had to look at the filename you tried to link to to realize for you


    IT'S




    A






    BOY!!!!!!!


    CONGRATULATIONS!!!!! WHOO HOO!!!!

  17. #41747
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    Quote Originally Posted by demigraf View Post
    Oh, wait.... Christina... you know your GIF didn't show up, right?!? I had to look at the filename you tried to link to to realize for you


    IT'S




    A






    BOY!!!!!!!


    CONGRATULATIONS!!!!! WHOO HOO!!!!
    I couldn't see it, either. Yay!
    Me (39) DH (46) & furbabies * m/c 7/08 4/12 11/12

  18. #41748
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    I thought it was just my work computer! Sorry ladies!

    Things are a little crazy, but I'm loving every minute of it My Blog


  19. #41749

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    Congrats Christina!

  20. #41750

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    LOL Myles about the personal jungle gym comment. There is not much that makes me want to do that. Women talk about how sexy it is when guys clean or go grocery shopping or whatever but DH has always been a neat freak and loves to buy food and I'm like, this is supposed to turn me on? How about being kind to his child and wife more often? To me there is nothing sexier than a man who enjoys his children or treats his wife like a queen. Too bad for me, I guess...I mean yes he is great to me at times but it's like, he does these grand things for me sometimes and expects to get laid for it, but I would honestly appreciate a day to day kindness more than grand gestures once every few months.

  21. #41751
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    Congrats, Christina! I love having 2 boys.

  22. #41752
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    Congrats Christina! Two of the same is great....you already have the boy stuff and hopefully they will be the best of friends. I was always glad that I had a little sister and not a little brother.

    Jennifer, 35, DH 36

  23. #41753

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    So... my dog Lulu has once again completely grown her bangs in over her eyes, and - perhaps not coincidentally - has started being a defiant little booger. Again. DH has a theory that when she gets all bushy like this, she thinks she's "cool", and feels she no longer has to listen to us anymore. Think there's anything to his theory?

    Her hair is now an inch lower over her eyes than they are in this picture:

  24. #41754

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    Congratulations, Christina!!
    -- mom to DD1 1/98 and DD2 10/09


  25. #41755
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    Congrats Christina!

  26. #41756
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    Bridget, I found out in the middle of Jan and I was due in the middle of march. St. Party's day, to be specific! I said we'd work things out and he wanted to until a week later. Then we went back to the other person. I had the babies about a week after that.

    Parker will be 4 months tomorrow and I haven't heard a thing from him. I'm glad but I'm not.

  27. #41757
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    Congrats, Christina!

    Which reminds me. I'll likely end up with one of the nephews, while SIL is in India. BIL's mom is there, but she can't handle the bickering and fighting, and panics when the younger one cries for hours (he is very sensitive, and his brother exploits that ALL the time). Mira adores the younger one, so we will likely end up with him.

  28. #41758

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    Myles, Lulu is so cute! I bet she thinks she's a little punk with long bangs in her eyes.

  29. #41759

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    Thanks, Kate.

    Suja, I hope having another kid in the house makes things easier and not harder for you. It always seems that way for me. Very nice of you to take him in.

  30. #41760

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    Oh, Rachael, he should be so ashamed of himself.


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