Oh yeah - and housekeeping like Jen said. Find out how much a live-in housekeeper would cost and add that to the total. I have to say it again. What a jerk.
Oh yeah - and housekeeping like Jen said. Find out how much a live-in housekeeper would cost and add that to the total. I have to say it again. What a jerk.
"Any idiot can face a crisis; it is this day-to-day living that wears you out." -Anton Chekhov
B, you are greatly under appreciated. I am sorry. I am suppressing a lot of my 'not so nice thoughts' right now in an effort to respect that he is your man.
B, what the ever-living frak??? I... how can you not want to just punch him?
I really do sympathize, though, as someone whose partner occasionally seems to think the stuff I do all day is paltry compared to the important stuff he does ... but this is a whole other level! He knows your daycare is bringing money into the household, right? I can't even get started on the idea that spending time teaching your own children (and playing with them, interacting, etc) is not absolutely vital work. I know you already know that it is. The thing about him thinking you should be the one to chase the chicken - ugh, ugh, ugh. I don't know how you stay sane. You're amazing.
And speaking of amazing, reading through the last couple of pages of convo here has me verklempt. All of you are such extraordinary, thoughtful, conscientious, outstanding people. I'm so grateful you're willing to share your thoughts and feelings and wisdom with each other and all of us. It's really remarkable. And hugs to all in your journeys.
As for me, when I was in college I wasn't sure I wanted to be a mother, but when I unexpectedly found myself pregnant at 24 I was surprised how quickly I adapted to the idea. I felt confident from the first in my ability to be a good parent, and although I've since been humbled in many ways, I'm glad every day that this is my path. I agree with Janet, though, about the nature of happiness. We must find it where we are, and even if where we end up isn't where we thought we would, there is joy to be found in it. Definitely easier to say than live, though. I wouldn't dare to compare in any way with the struggles and heartbreak with which many of you have dealt, but I've been faced with my own sadness lately about a door in my life closing irretrievably. As you know, there are 12 years between my girls, which means they don't have a typical sibling relationship. I never really planned on having another after my first, as a single mom etc... but I really did want more. When we were able to have Noe I was overjoyed, and I've loved every moment of it. From the time she was a newborn, I wanted another fiercely. DH was done. He adores Noe, but just didn't want any more. I asked, we discussed, and he said no. For three years he said no, and then I got sick, and I turned 40, and I felt like yes, the door was closing ... but who knows, right? Life is unpredictable, and maybe ... I'm doing well, my doctor said out of the blue that if I wanted to have another it would be fine ... and dh made the appointment and had his V. I respect his choice. His reasons are valid. I thought I was ok with it, and I've been supportive, but when he had it done the grief hit me pretty strongly, and I've been struggling to climb out of it. Struggling with the realization that the choice is made, it's done, the door is closed. Every day Noe pretends she has a little brother or sister -- her dollies, her little stuffed animals -- and I wish so much I could have given her one. I'm really trying not to feel anger or resentment towards dh about it. It's hard. I feel the emotions and I don't know what to do with them. They just kind of float around and I don't feel like it's fair to dump them on him (he already knows, and what's the point anyway when it's over and done?) but they're just sort of there anyway, this haze of grief and resentment. I feel like it's just going to sit there forever and one day we'll be 70, having sunday dinner, and out of the blue I'll just dump a pot roast in his lap and pour the gravy over his head and say, "i wanted to have another baby, and you wouldn't." And I'll just cry and cry, and hate him for it. I don't want that to happen, but I don't know how to come to terms with it on my own. I suppose it'll just take time.
It is precisely the reason I have not shut the door on DHs desire to have more children. I love being a mom, I do, and I know I will never EVER regret having them. Not having them though, I believe could have been more damaging to my marriage than even an affair. His desire to be a father runs deep and the couple times I mentioned NO children the pain in his eyes showed me what would happen would that be true. He would stay, with me, in all his misery.
I'm on my phone so can't type much, but I just wanted to send hugs to all of y'all. I can say that I am very lucky for the life I have right now. Very lucky. Love you, girls. I'm off to bed now. See you tomorrow. Xoxo
Pepperlu, that is a very difficult thing to be reconciling with and I perfectly understand why you are having those feelings. I wish I knew how best to cope with them, since I really see what you mean about how talking to dh about it may not be productive. Perhaps just one time, if you told him you needed to get it off your chest. And hopefully he would comfort you. Otherwise, I sure hope talking to us about it helps. *pretend I started new paragraph****** As far as dbf, I'm happy to do the amount of work I am doing, honestly. I consider it a great blessing to be able to homeschool my kids. It's just what I want to be doing. I wouldn't say a word about his lack of involvement if he didn't make disparaging remarks. It's just plain rude and it makes me feel like I have to defend myself, which makes it look like I am biatching about what I do. Also, i think our children do suffer from his lack of involvement. But I know that goes without saying in here.
Kate, as far as parenting goes, I had a conversation at work with a parent recently and immediately thought I wanted to share it with you girls (and then didn't). Now is the perfect time.
This mom had a little boy who was really difficult behavior-wise and he was her second child. After we went through our whole report and talked about all the areas he needed some support with, she said (I'm paraphrasing), "You know, my oldest son was really easy. He was the perfect child from day one. He slept well, ate well, never had tantrums, and everything was like clockwork. I assumed I was just an amazing parent and walked around looking down at all the other parents who had kids who were tantrumming and not listening and behaving poorly and not sleeping. Clearly those parents must have been doing something wrong. And then I had my second son, and raised him the exact same way, and none of it worked. I realized I was incredibly lucky the first time around and none of it had anything at all to do with my parenting skills. I'll never judge another mother again."
I think there is a lot to be learned from that. Cut yourself some slack. That goes for all of you!
Mandy, that's a great story. And so true. DD1 was a really easy baby -- great sleeper, great eater, growing well, sweet and happy. I tried not to gloat about it, but I did think I was doing a pretty great job and "eh, this parenting thing's not so hard." And then when she hit about 2.5, she hit some huge snags in her development. Terrible meltdowns, nightmares, night terrors, separation anxiety disorder. Big stuff. And suddenly I was that mom with a kid screaming her head off on the floor of the store, or scratching my hands and arms bloody to keep hanging on to me when I took her to school. It taught me humility in a hurry. Now when I hear a mom saying things like "My kids will never..." or "I'll have control over my kids..." or "You just have to know how to handle them..." I just laugh a little to myself. Their time is coming.
And my second child, knock on wood, is easy-tempered and sweet-natured. And I never, ever take it for granted, nor do I feel like it's anything I've done. Many people have said, when they meet Noe, "You must be a great mom," and I tell them that we're lucky. She just came that way.
I haven't had an easy one. My three have all, and continue to, humble the sh!t out of me.
Thanks for the story, Mandy. I don't think it's my parenting that has caused his behavior but it's my behavior that has exacerbated the issues, if that makes any sense. I feel like if I were able to calmly and rationally deal with his difficult behavior maybe he'd also be able to relax a little bit too.
After all your parenting confessions today, calling a therapist and a couple blogs that made me cry, I feel like I am starting fresh.
I meant to say I saw your link to Josh's Lego Blog on facebook and was so impressed (well, not by the blog - I haven't looked at that yet, but I'm sure when I do I'll love it) but really by the image of you helping him with his blog. So sweet and such a loving mama to foster his interests like that. It's something I'm not sure my mother would have taken the time to do for me when I was Josh's age (had blogs existed back then!)
Thank you! I figure, I'm an internet junkie, he likes Legos, let's make this work!
He loves projects, but the problem is finding one he wants to stick with. He has many books in progress where I write what he wants to say and he draws the pictures. He's writing and illustrating a sequel to The Lorax, for one. A lot of times his project ideas are too grandiose and he loses interest quickly. I think he'll like the blog because he can update it as much as he wants and he won't have to worry about losing it if he forgets about it for a while.
Gretchen, I'm sorry you have all this angst about not having any more kids. It gives me some perspective into what DH must feel. There are times I think we should separate, so he can go marry someone else, and have the dozen kids he wants. Unfortunately, he appears to be entirely too loyal.
I have a friend that had a child, after STC for ages. She was (is) over the moon about it, but her husband is completely ambivalent, and uninvolved. He has adult children, and was done. He agreed to more kids because she wanted them so badly, but near as I can tell, he is just the sperm donor who happens to live in the same house. She doesn't seem to care, but as the kid grows up, I can't help but think that this will have an impact on him.
Like Kate, I'm pretty sure that my handling is making Mira's behavior worse. When I remember to do it the "right way", she is infinitely better behaved, but I either can't summon up that kind of patience all the time, or I forget what I am supposed to be doing. I am entirely convinced that this will not change, and will likely get worse, much worse, over time. Fact is that I have been hoping for years that it will get better, and because of how it has all turned out, I'm fresh out of hope. If I'm wrong, I'd be ecstatic, but I'd rather not get my hopes up in that department.
And Mandy, that's the exact same story my neighbor told me. Their daughter was quite a handful as a toddler/young child, but has matured into a lovely teenager.
Bridget, he just sucks!! You deserve so much better... He sometimes reminds me of my husband, except way more extreme... I hope I don't over step my boundaries here, and everyone else probably already knows, but why do you stay with him? <hugs>
Gretchen, that is so tough... I'm sorry. That's kind of how I feel, except I can't blame my husband. Sometimes I wish I really believed in God so I could metaphorically dump a pot roast in his lap!! And Maiya and Noe are so much alike... Maiya really really wants a baby, too, and it makes me feel so bad for her that she's alone. Maybe we should do time-share on our only children, you can have them both for a week, and I'll have them both for a week, hah!
Well, gotta go tend to my sick kid (oh, I hope this doesn't mess up our camping trip this weekend!!), will try to respond more later tonight.
Kate, I love the new signature picture!
Gretchen, would your husband (and you) consider adoption at all if he changes his mind....or there is always reversal surgery. I am so happy that dh and I are both content with 2. I went back and forth between wanting no kids to wanting 10 kids. When we eventually had one, I knew we needed 2 kids, not for our sake, but for Travis' sake. I couldn't imagine him not having someone yo grow up with.
I can't believe I forgot to post about this here, in the secular forum. And it's a fitting story.
I have these round magnetic buttons on the outside of my cube that I made into a smiley face my first day. It's right next to my name. I'm sure I've mentioned before that my colleague that started the same day as me is fundamentalist-or very close to it. Anyway, last week after I returned from my vacation I saw my smiley had been made into a cross. It really takes a lot to get me hot at work, but I was pretty mad about it. I showed Faye, my manager and a Christian-and she was furious on my behalf. Absolutely furious. I don't know what was said, but I know she was going to address it. Of course, there's no proof who did it but there are only 6 of us that sit back here. Two are pretty vocal Christians and Faye wouldn't have done it.
A couple weeks before that, I nearly said something because the same colleague I suspect made the cross on my cube, came into my area and sat down & told me all about how he was on the 'right but at the right time' because he'd gotten talking to the drive and by the end of the trip he'd 'saved' him. I did tell Faye about that at the time and she asked me if I wanted her to say something. I declined and just let it go but if this sh!t continues, he's going to have huge issues with me. I don't blather on and on about my beliefs. I don't try to convince him he's an idiot for believing fairy tails. He needs to leave me alone.
Also-there's official policy here that we're allowed to display religious ornaments (or whatever they're called) inside our cube/office, but not outside. This was put on the outside of my cube. If the wrong person came down & saw that, not knowing my beliefs, I could have gotten in trouble for it. The jerk.
Chrissy, as an "in doubt" Christian that makes me mad. But it would have made me mad as a "regular" Christian too.
I know a lot of times people find Christians to be preachy, not accepting etc and that just proves it. I know that a lot of the religion is to share Christ with others. But if a person has a different faith I think Christ would want us to be respectful, not anyagonistic.
Chrissy that would have set me OFF. I have major issues with preachy Christians.
Chrissy that is annoying!
Kate, I LOVE the picture.
I am sorry for those not getting what they want or in disagreement with their spouse. That is so hard because it's NOT something you can compromise on. I have told mine many times that if he absolutely didn't want a child, I would give it up and reconcile it....and not be angry with him about it. He/US is my priority and we have had already 15 good years with just the two of us. I think it's probably easier to do having no kids though because I don't totally know what I'm missing. But he's never given me a solid, no. It's always, I don't know, I'm not sure, or the biggie and the one that comes up the most, I'm scared. Change is hard for him....unknown is hard for him.....and he always worries about money.
Suja....don't give up hope. Mira is still so young. My BFF's daughter was not an easy child....and she is very smart which I think made it so much worse. Headstrong, stubborn, tantrums....OMG she was a handful. She got so much better after she started grade school and is a really awesome kid now. I think it was probably about 6 or 7 that she calmed down and knocked it off. Course now she's almost 10 and so they have a few years of peace before the teen hormones kick in!
I think sometimes difficult children get it out of their system early. DD1 is much more sensible and mature than a lot of her friends -- she's still artistic and independent, but there's no emotional drama or issues like lots of kids her age ... and, at least at this point, she doesn't butt heads with us either. No hysteria or screaming matches. I do often think that she had to learn when she was young to handle those volatile emotions, and she's a lot better at it now than kids who didn't have practice.
Which is to say that challenging kids like Mira may even out as their emotions and intellect get more in balance. They may always be feisty, but that's a really positive trait that will work well for them in the future.
Thanks for all of the hugs and positive words on my situation. I know I'll come to terms with it eventually. For me it's difficult having an actual person to blame - when I was sick and having all of the testing and was thinking I could never successfully carry another child, it was a little easier because it seemed like fate. But having it be someone else's will/refusal is tough for me. I don't want to be angry with him, so I need to let it go. Just easier said than done. Janet, I like the idea of sharing our onlies!! Ash, I think about adoption a lot. My mom is adopted so it's close to my heart. I would love to adopt a child close in age to Noe, but dh will not consider it. He feels we're spread too thin as it is, and he doesn't have the bandwidth for adding another person. I understand where he's coming from and I know I have to accept his feelings on it. But I won't say never. Life is strange. We probably wouldn't consider reversal surgery -- dh's brother had it and has been trying to conceive with his wife for years, and there's been a lot of heartbreak and expense involved that I know dh wouldn't want to deal with. He is very sure about his decision.
Chrissy, I'm glad you brought the issue up with your manager. That's so obnoxious! In a way If I were you I think I'd be hoping that he'd just get obvious with you sometime so you can Shut. Him. Down.
Since it's ok for you to have religious stuff in your cubicle, I'm thinking one or two of these bumper stickers might get the point across...
Why do I stay? How can I put it? I like most things about my situation right now. Love that I am homeschooling. Love that I have never had to use daycare. I have carefully weighed the pros and cons of leaving or staying and for right now, staying is best. And I should say that he is not all bad all the time. I do love him.
Chrissy, wtf? I'd be highly annoyed. Talk about passive aggressive!