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Thread: Secular Confessions

  1. #41491
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    Quote Originally Posted by Cosmosmom View Post
    I think that this essay describes the inner conflict I have going on pretty well. http://crookedtimber.org/2013/02/27/...ure-expecting/

    See the thing is, I think I can predict myself pretty well. It's DH I am more concerned about. He's just not a big fan of children. He likes my cousins (they are almost 9 and 11 now) and our friends kids well enough....well most of them. But out in public....the little higher pitched voices and behavior drive him crazy. He doesn't see what the big deal is. Course he doesn't like all dogs but LOVES our dogs and the ones in our families.
    Now his mom says the same thing....she's not one go to gaga over babies or kids and most bug the crap outta her. But she had IF issues and it took 7 years to get my DH....and she LOVES him and was way into him when it was her child. So hard to predict if he's like his mom or if he's just absolutely not a kid person....without being in the situation. And neither of us is very much leap of faith people but more rational and try to plan for and predict everything.

    Grrr. Wish that I would have had the powerball winner and could have just stayed at home and for sure would have gone for it.
    no-one knows what it’s like to have a child, until they have one.
    <<---speaks volumes.

    Jennifer, I know it's hard but I'm sure you've heard before that there are no guarantees in life. None. No matter what you carefully plan for and save, something can happen to alter life as you know it and shift you on a new course. Whether you're ok with being 'leap of faith' people or not is irrelevant really. You kinda have to be to survive this world because absolutely nothing is promised. It might be a source of stress for you or your dh, but stuff happens. I am confident you two will navigate whatever roadblocks come your way. With or without kids.

    And just to get totally cliche, the grass often does look greener on the other side. I try to subscribe to the belief that we're all in charge of our own happiness regardless of what life doles out to us. I believe that and whenever I find myself feeling depressed and hopeless, I remind myself of that.

    Mama to Bobbie 20 ~ Jesi 18 ~ Syd 14 ~ Conner 6
    I'm gonna be a Gramama! Jesi is due 11/22/13


  2. #41492
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    Quote Originally Posted by Smplyme89 View Post
    ETA: I sound like an awful pregnant person/mom right? Ugh..
    You can't be! I'm right there with you, and since I'm all kinds of awesome, how could you be awful? Silly wabbit!

  3. #41493
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    Quote Originally Posted by Suja View Post
    You can't be! I'm right there with you, and since I'm all kinds of awesome, how could you be awful? Silly wabbit!
    You are all kinds of awesome, tis true

    Things are a little crazy, but I'm loving every minute of it My Blog


  4. #41494

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    I don't know... I was a total Coke addict until I hit the two year mark of infertility, and gave it up cold turkey. It took another year for me to get pregnant, and I have noticed NO changes. I've had something like 3 sodas in the last 5 years, and still I'm infertile. Ah well... I'm glad it's had some positive changes for some people!

    Yay Mandy!!

    Myles, she probably noticed your dazed expression and figured you really needed that tea, haha. Sounds like a pretty nice day for you!

    Aw, Jennifer... I'm sorry you are struggling with this now. My guess is that, even if he honestly doesn't like kids, your husband will love his child. With that said...

    I knew for my entire life that all I really wanted to be when I grew up was a mom. I had a lot of experience with kids, from a large extended family that practically lived with us, to neighbor kids that I "adopted", to kids that I babysat, to volunteering in nurseries, and even taking early childhood education classes. I thought I "knew" what to expect (the unexpected, really) and was ready. Ends up, I got lucky, and though Maiya was a very, very, very difficult baby, she's an amazing, fun, easy, well behaved, smart, kind, caring toddler / preschooler.

    AND IT IS HARD. This is all I ever wanted (so naturally, I'm infertile. Sigh...). I had a good idea what I was getting in to. We were ready to have kids. She is easy and amazing. And I still get so frustrated, and cry a lot, and think she'd be better off with a better mom. Even when all the stars align, being a parent is HARD. Even if you can predict your kid, that doesn't mean it's any easier to handle when they've been screaming for 8 hours straight and you have neither slept nor eaten in two days. And no, you can't predict what the kid will be like or do!

    I've always been one, when people ask, to tell them that unless you really, really want a kid, you may as well not have one. I don't mean "you should not have one", but if you have any doubt, and are unsure, then I would certainly not stress about it. If you are happy with life the way it is, and don't feel like a huge part of you is missing, then just enjoy. Kids add a lot to your life. They really, really do, and even those that never ever wanted kids don't usually "regret" having them. But if you're not "missing' something, then my thought is, no reason to worry about adding something.

    Of course I'm not saying to give up, I'm just saying that whatever happens, things will be good either way! <hugs>



  5. #41495
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    I am glad to hear others that are not kid people....feel different about their own. I have a very strong nurture instinct...grew up with my sister calling me other mother. Babysat all the time, including one whose mom was single and a 3rd shift nurse so she grew up with us and had a bed of her own in my room....and I would be the one rocking her at night when she had ear aches (mostly had her weekends and summers).
    My DH is an only child...technically he's got a half brother and sister but they are much younger and were not raised with him. He likes neat and organized and things in their place. I will actually leave stuff around to bug him so he's forced to deal with it.
    We talked before we met in person and he's known forever that I wanted to get married and have kids....actually I was going to be a SAHM and homeschool. But I have to work so that is out. I have always known that he was scared to have a kid....but he REALLY loves me and wants me happy more than anything. He totally went along with the IF testing and trying clomid and acupuncture....and paying for all that. He went through the classes for the adoption and even the paying for the home study and all the fees so far.
    FF 15 years....6 or 7 of which we have been trying to have a baby. And I'm wondering about the whole thing. I think I want one, I think he would prefer the other and I want him happy. I do know that he's NOT into babies. But he definitely really likes my cousin whose 8 and can play video games/computer games with him and likes Legos and baseball.

    It is just so hard to know if you REALLY want something without experiencing it.....no way to know which fork in the road would make you happier.

    Course I really wanted a new puppy almost 2 years ago. I cried and he gave in and we looked and came home with one (had talked about it for a long time though). I regretted her for a while....I loved her but didn't like all that much when all she wanted to do was bite me and mess with my princess Cosmo. Now I just adore my little Molly and cannot imagine not having her.

    Jennifer, 35, DH 36

  6. #41496
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    I can honestly say that I always wanted kids, but I don't know if I would consider myself a kid person. I like mine, certainly, and I like some others, but I can't universally say I like children. There are some things that are neat about them, but there are a lot of disadvantages - most of the really cool things about kids come from either having your own or in being around them in small doses and being able to give them back.

    And I don't think that DH considered kids or ever really thought about them all that much, but he seems to be far better about being able to play with other kids or strike up conversations with them at social events than I am. Maybe it's also because he isn't trying to be social with the grown-ups, or because he isn't trying to watch all 3 of our kids a once, but to give him honest credit I think he's better at it than I am. He is both more critical of the bad behavior of other kids and also more friendly with different ones than I am.

    As for clutter, I hate it. And I hate stickiness, and huge messes, and children who walk around with smears of jelly or snot on their faces. And somehow I can still handle children and I'm not too uptight about it. I keep a travel pack of sensitive baby wipes in my bag at all times and some in my car, and I have them wash their hands and faces after meals and clean up toys before they start on the next one. DH's clutter bothers me way more than the kids' clutter, but of course I have more control over the kids' clutter. With DH, he gets upset if I clean his clutter up.

    I would have thought that DH, not being very patient and not being able to handle a lot of noise or lack of sleep, would have a really hard time with kids, but he has been a really wonderful father in so many ways. We each play to our strengths. He has been really great about teaching the kids about science and nature, and taking them on long hikes, and giving them hands-on experiences that I wouldn't have thought to do. He takes them places I wouldn't think about, like orchid shows and air shows and started the whole model rocket craze in the family and builds Legos with them.

    I occasionally think, after a lifetime of wanting children, that if I could somehow reset myself to become childless and content with that, that I could be a very happy person without children as well. DH and I have a lot of interests that are not so easy to pursue with young children, and although we look forward to resuming them, they are all on the back burner for now. The good thing was that I got the going out dancing and clubbing out of my system early, so I am perfectly happy to stay at home most of the time. And I love sharing things with our kids. That is one of the big advantages that I referred to in my first paragraph--it is so neat having an entourage that is thrilled and enthusiastic about so many things, from watching the smallest ant to smelling a sprig of fresh-cut thyme to watching an airplane in the sky or leaves fall. However, knowing what I know now (and don't get me wrong, I love my kids), I think I could have been perfectly happy with a life without children too, as long as I could have somehow become at peace with the concept. It would have been really hard to stop that yearning and become content, though. I may have always been wondering and waiting and regretting unless I made a conscious decision at some point to stop. And now, looking back, I realize that it isn't what completes me, and and as much as I like being a mom, in another universe I could have ended up living a different life and being okay with it too.

    It's hard to vocalize these thoughts and have them come out in a way that sounds not too weird and rambling or offensive in one way or another. I don't know how many of you know that the main reason I got divorced from my first husband was because he changed his mind and decided he didn't want children after all. That was the deal-breaker for our marriage of 5 years. We talked about it, and he said he would not change back, so eventually we split up amicably. After all kinds of life decisions, it's hard not to picture later on how things would be different. I think about what my life would be like if I hadn't moved to California, if I had been a teacher instead of a nurse, if I had decided to pursue my interest in languages instead of science, if I had kept traveling and stayed in Europe instead of coming back to the US when I was 17, if I had stayed married to my first husband, if I had never had children. So I guess it's not too bizarre that I can picture myself, in retrospect, living a life without children and being fine with it, but before I had children I never thought I could be content without them. I hope that makes sense?


  7. #41497
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    It makes sense to me L. Perhaps it's easy for me to look back and realize I could have been happy and content without children since I have had the urge satisfied. I always knew my whole life I would have kids. It would have been a tremendous hurdle to overcome if fate (or whatever) had other ideas for me.

    I still know it's possible to be happy with or without kids. It's the challenge of getting there if you're dealt what you wouldn't have chosen that's the really difficult part. I'm sure there are people out there that either didn't want children and oops---or maybe had ideals about children that didn't pan out to their expectations. Again, in the end that's all any of us can do is find our own happiness with what we have.

    Mama to Bobbie 20 ~ Jesi 18 ~ Syd 14 ~ Conner 6
    I'm gonna be a Gramama! Jesi is due 11/22/13


  8. #41498
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    I didn't want kids at all. Then after cam I wanted to have a ton. Then after she was potty trained and in school all day I decided I was done. Now that the twins have been born and I went through that I think about more kids and I am turned off by the idea of more. I would like to have more, but waiting for weeks to find out if my baby has a Neural Tube Defect after losing Nathaniel makes my stomach turn. I simply cannot lose another child. I also don't know that I would have the strength to deal with the other problems a NTD could mean for my child. That, and selfishly knowing that I cannot VBAC and not wanting to have another c-section makes me want to be done. But I think about Parker being my last baby and it is hard. I think if I wasn't a single parent I would be happy to be done. But I want the experience of having a baby with someone who wants that baby with me and is there for me.

    I do love being pregnant. I would probably have been a surrogate at some point if I hadn't had the experience with Nathaniel. However, knowing that my chances of having another baby with anacephaly or any NTD are higher because I already had one baby with one I don't want to risk another person's baby.

    I kind of cant stand elementary aged kids. I love Cam but sometimes she makes me want to hide in my closet and cry. She never. Stops. Talking. And the potty humor. Ugh! But overall I'm happy I had kids, even if I wasn't happy about the idea when it happened.

  9. #41499
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    You know, it's very strange. My whole life, I wanted and expected to be a mother. Honestly, though I came from a family where both my parents had advanced degrees and college was the expectation, I could have cared less about a college degree and really wanted marriage, motherhood, and to be a stay at home mom at least while my children were young.

    If life had panned out otherwise, I could be in a very different place. When DH and I became serious enough that I recognized that he was "the one," but that we weren't ready for marriage and I was working a job I hated, I realized my life needed some momentum other than focusing on DH and where our relationship was going. So, I went back to school and stumbled, mostly through blind luck, on a career I absolutely adore (did I ever mention what made me first consider speech pathology as a career? Honestly, I am not kidding, I read a magazine article about a guy who was an SLP in Los Angeles and worked as an accent coach for Hollywood movies. And I though, "That's so cool! I could do that!" Somehow I went from that to specializing in nonverbal preschoolers, which is about as far from Hollywood as you can get. Go figure. And I'm glad that's where life led me).

    Then, once we did get married, and I found a great job that is compatible with having children, and bought a three-bedroom house so we wouldn't have to worry about where to put a kid, we experienced the joys of infertility.

    I am like Jennifer that I often wonder if, after 40 years of being self-centered and doing mostly what I like, how I like, I can adjust to being someone's mom. And I do wonder if it would be less stressful and easier for all concerned - no doubt it would.

    L, what you said about adjusting your expectations was beautiful. I just don't know that I can come to terms with not experiencing motherhood. I know I would be a good mother in many ways. In other ways, maybe not so good. But at this point I am very far from being at peace.

    (And Christina, I get what you are saying, too. I understand).
    Me (40) DH (47) & furbabies * m/c 7/08 4/12 11/12

  10. #41500
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    Quote Originally Posted by CamaLamaMama View Post
    I think if I wasn't a single parent I would be happy to be done. But I want the experience of having a baby with someone who wants that baby with me and is there for me.
    Aww, you're not the first person I've heard that from. I get it.

    Quote Originally Posted by Gwenn View Post
    L, what you said about adjusting your expectations was beautiful. I just don't know that I can come to terms with not experiencing motherhood. I know I would be a good mother in many ways. In other ways, maybe not so good. But at this point I am very far from being at peace.
    I know you'd be an awesome mother. I want that for you.

    Mama to Bobbie 20 ~ Jesi 18 ~ Syd 14 ~ Conner 6
    I'm gonna be a Gramama! Jesi is due 11/22/13


  11. #41501

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    You all are such an amazing group of women. I never knew if I would have kids, or get married. I never planned for a thing. I did think parenting would be super easy for me since I worked with kids from aged 13 on up. But parenting is hard as hell. Honestly, if I hadn't had kids, I'm not sure where I'd be. It sort of saved me from myself. I hate to think I'd still be slinging cocktails and living that lifestyle but i don't know what else would have mattered enough to make me decide to move on.

  12. #41502
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    I would've been perfectly content to not have kids. My life was complicated enough without all the added work and responsibility, and I knew that I would be setting myself for a work that I absolutely would not enjoy. It has proven to be substantially more difficult than I expected it to be, and if I were to be completely honest, I'd say that I have no idea why any sane person would choose to go through this more than once. I totally subscribe to my friend's mom's theory that kids cause brain damage, which leads to more kids.

    I wish I could tell someone whether it is worthwhile endeavor. The only thing I can say is that you will likely make it work (what options do you have, really?), no matter what, but whether you enjoy the process or not, it is a real toss-up.

  13. #41503
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    Perhaps as she gets older, you'll find more to enjoy Suja. There's hope I know you're not saying you don't enjoy her, but rather the work involved. They are two very distinct, different things. As there's less work, just perhaps you'll enjoy the roll of motherhood a bit more. We shall see.

    I admit that I was always terrified of having teenagers, but I wanted the babies/little kids so much I just didn't think about it. All in all, my experience has been overwhelmingly more positive than I feared it would be with the teens. They're girls. There are 3 of them. They've gone through things that no mother ever wants her babes to go through, and that's caused negative ripple effects throughout the family. But for the most part, the every day living with humorous teenagers....it's been a positive one for me. I love their independence. I love their friends. While I might not like all the drama that can surround an adolescent girl, I enjoy helping them figure out how to cope with those things. I feel it's giving them real life skills for later in life. Because let's face it-some people don't grow up and they may as well learn how to deal with immature people!

    Completely off topic, but I remember a while back some of you talking about finding their first gray hair 'down there.' I just did, thought of you all, and plucked it out. I'm part of the older mommy group now, right? lol

    Mama to Bobbie 20 ~ Jesi 18 ~ Syd 14 ~ Conner 6
    I'm gonna be a Gramama! Jesi is due 11/22/13


  14. #41504

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    Jennifer, from your response, it definitely sounds like you want a kid. And one bright side about the way you're going to get one is that you know it will work, right? You are near the top of the waiting list now, right? It will happen! I think part of the difficulty you are having now is where you are at in the waiting game. It's like, the excitement of getting it all set up has worn off, and now all that's left is the anxiety. I can only imagine how hard it is to just wait and not really have any control over the situation... But as I said earlier, don't give up! Even if you mentally "take a break", just leave yourself on the list and it will happen. Maybe when you least expect it!

    And it's funny you say you have no way of knowing which way would make you truly happier... It's true, of course, but I also think it's irrelevant. Your happiness is what you make of it. One path will get you one type of happiness, the other will give you a different type. It's like comparing apples and oranges, both will find you happy, just in a different way.

    Cama (sorry, I haven't been active enough, are we calling you Cama or R or your name, or what?), I'm so sorry... You have been through so much. And you are definitely NOT a bad mom, you are an amazing one!

    Mandy, ugh, why does it seem that the more you want kids, the harder you have to work for them?? You would be an awesome mom, and you deserve these treatments to work. Maybe, if I can get an IUI to work again, maybe I'll have quintuplets, and you can adopt some, and Jennifer can adopt some!! <sigh> Wish I could rid the world of infertility, at least for those who want kids so badly.

    Suja, hopefully things will get easier for you! They really can be fun, if they're not so difficult...



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    Mandy, I think I'm the opposite of you in a way. After being a mom for close to 7 years at the age of 25 I'm not used to doing things for me, when I want to at all. Taking care of the kids alone is hard and I am realizing I need time alone to do my own thing. It's hard going from being a mom that in so wrapped up in the stuff with the kids to doing something for me without feeling guilty. I do think it makes me a better mom when I take time for myself.

    Bridget, this is gonna sound so lame, but it's relieving to hear you have parenting struggles. You seem like such an amazing mom and that you always know what to do. I wish I could be more like that, I don't think I am quite the mom I anticipated being.

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    Using Rachael is fine. Or whatever. I don't really have a preference

  17. #41507

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    Suja, I'm on your page with this whole thing. It's harder than I would ever have imagined and I don't enjoy a lot of it. I love j with my whole being, but that doesn't make the day to day grind any easier. This after yet another crying screaming bedtime that went from 8:45 to 10:30.

    "Any idiot can face a crisis; it is this day-to-day living that wears you out." -Anton Chekhov


  18. #41508

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    I often feel like I am not a very good mom. I am more understanding now of my dad, who was a great person but not a good father. I used to think it couldn't be so hard but I know better now. I just hope I am able to fake it enough for j to feel loved and happy.

    "Any idiot can face a crisis; it is this day-to-day living that wears you out." -Anton Chekhov


  19. #41509

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    For a long time I didn't think I wanted kids. Then one day, after I met my DH, that changed and I realized I really did. They are the best things in my life, but **** is it hard. They fight, they're clingy at times, I have zero time to myself (besides work), but I wouldn't change a thing. Well, except to win the lottery so I could have one or two more I love the little people they are growing into and I love introducing them to new things and ideas.
    AKA Lisa724

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    L, I always adore the way you articulate things.

    R (I’m lazy and I’ll get the spelling of your name wrong if I try ) you’ve been through so much and I can say that my want to never have another C/S was a very strong consideration in my debate on whether to have #2 (than of course, surprise!) and the struggle for my VBAC to come is going to be an emotionally trying time that a large part of me, is resenting having to deal with. I try to keep my insecurities surrounding that to myself because I feel selfish in this regard.

    Suja, I do think that as she gets older (and easier) you’ll enjoy the parenting part more. You are a wonderful mom!

    Chrissy, Um…. all I can do is at your ‘grey hair’ situation

    My husband was much like you Mandy, he always wanted a family, than he met me Poor guy!

    Hubs is undoubtedly a better parent than I. Our parenting styles compliment one another pretty well and for that I am grateful. I am not always as patient as I would like to be (especially here lately) and in those moments he really excels and vice versa. Toddlers in general are draining for me and the whining (oh the whining) gets to me at my very core.

    As a blanket statement, I think that questioning your parenting abilities only proves that you are all awesome moms

    Things are a little crazy, but I'm loving every minute of it My Blog


  21. #41511
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    Quote Originally Posted by Smplyme89 View Post
    As a blanket statement, I think that questioning your parenting abilities only proves that you are all awesome moms
    I totally agree. That's what more experienced and admirable moms told me when I was really struggling with my own parenting tactics as a young mom. I still question myself and feel lousy about some of my decisions/behaviors, but I'm not as hard on myself as I used to be. Realizing perfection is an unattainable goal has helped as well.

    Mama to Bobbie 20 ~ Jesi 18 ~ Syd 14 ~ Conner 6
    I'm gonna be a Gramama! Jesi is due 11/22/13


  22. #41512

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    You guys have no idea what it's like to see you all say that it's been hard for you guys. I honestly thought I was the only one who was having such a hard time with parenting and doesn't enjoy a lot of it. It just doesn't suit me. Remember how I said that I believe childrens' behavior reflects their parents? I see so much of me in him. I wonder why he's defiant and argumentative and then I look in the mirror! I confess today I called a family therapist. I'm done being miserable and making everyone else miserable. DH can come or not but I hope he can. He always said he was willing to come to therapy but the last one I went to wanted to focus on me. I still don't agree with that decision. If this family is going to work, we all have to be in on it. Hugs to all of you and thank you so much for sharing your struggles.

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    Quote Originally Posted by daylilies View Post
    You guys have no idea what it's like to see you all say that it's been hard for you guys. I honestly thought I was the only one who was having such a hard time with parenting and doesn't enjoy a lot of it. It just doesn't suit me. Remember how I said that I believe childrens' behavior reflects their parents? I see so much of me in him. I wonder why he's defiant and argumentative and then I look in the mirror! I confess today I called a family therapist. I'm done being miserable and making everyone else miserable. DH can come or not but I hope he can. He always said he was willing to come to therapy but the last one I went to wanted to focus on me. I still don't agree with that decision. If this family is going to work, we all have to be in on it. Hugs to all of you and thank you so much for sharing your struggles.


    I think you're doing a wonderful job. You recognize there is an issue, and you're being proactive about it. I hope this helps bring clarity and peace (or some, at least!) to your lives. It can definitely work.

    Mama to Bobbie 20 ~ Jesi 18 ~ Syd 14 ~ Conner 6
    I'm gonna be a Gramama! Jesi is due 11/22/13


  24. #41514
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    Quote Originally Posted by missychrissy View Post
    I totally agree. That's what more experienced and admirable moms told me when I was really struggling with my own parenting tactics as a young mom. I still question myself and feel lousy about some of my decisions/behaviors, but I'm not as hard on myself as I used to be. Realizing perfection is an unattainable goal has helped as well.
    This is something I am still working on. Dealing with the fact that everything can't be 'just so' is hard.

    Quote Originally Posted by missychrissy View Post


    I think you're doing a wonderful job. You recognize there is an issue, and you're being proactive about it. I hope this helps bring clarity and peace (or some, at least!) to your lives. It can definitely work.
    I agree.

    Things are a little crazy, but I'm loving every minute of it My Blog


  25. #41515
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    L....that made total sense and was so incredibly helpful. Especially on the areas of clutter and lack of sleep....my DH LIKES his sleep a lot.

    And just seeing so many "not kid" people really loving their own. I don't know that my DH will be THAT into a baby (my dad doesn't care for babies either)....but once he can start teaching kid science things and play legos and games, I think he will like that.

    Yeah I have always planned for and wanted a kid. Actually two but I'm ok with one at this point. I just recently freaked out (not the first time I have done this) because I thought I might lose some hours at work that would have been about $500 a month. Which we could have done ok with just the two of us and the dogs....but omg that would have been tight if we had formula and all the baby/kid stuff added like...oh and extra money for health insurance as that will go up quite a bit when we change to the family plan. My department worked out ok with cuts made elsewhere and not in salary. So we are ok for this year. Our assistant is 62 and would like to retire in the not too far future and I have feeling when she does, we will not be allowed to fill her position. I could do a lot of her job in addition to mine so that would be ok.
    I know that stressing about money and work definitely instigated my freakout.
    I also have a tendency one in a while to try to convince myself that thing B would be better than A because I cannot have A or think I cannot have it. Like the house. It was supposed to be baby or build a house. I picked house (probably because I could control that and have it). Wasn't even a year in the house and there was a really bad new years eve when my friend just had her baby and I had way way way too much alcohol and a meltdown. It was after that we started talking about adoption.

    As far as the adoption, they do say average is 2 years waiting. I know a few people who have recently been matched but it's been seeming to take a bit longer as last year was slower. The people waiting the longest have their letters at the beginning of the book but the birth mom's can look through the whole thing if they want and decide which portfolios to see. Nobody has ever asked to see ours....which happens. Really I would hate to think that it was going out all the time and based off that nobody liked us.
    If a local safe haven baby came up, they ask the couple locally waiting the longest. Far as I know there are two who have been waiting longer than us locally. We actually would prefer a safe haven baby....there have years that four came up and years that none have. I am thinking about trying to get a new picture for the letter sometime this summer and maybe redoing the letter just a bit. I need to add Molly and might reword things a little. And change things like our dog Cosmo is 7 yrs old.....she will be 10 yrs old in Sept!

    I definitely am not pulling us from the agency.

    I never thought of it THAT way (below). I am all about happiness....even way back in college, I was drawn to theories based off happiness.

    Quote Originally Posted by Krystal5 View Post
    And it's funny you say you have no way of knowing which way would make you truly happier... It's true, of course, but I also think it's irrelevant. Your happiness is what you make of it. One path will get you one type of happiness, the other will give you a different type. It's like comparing apples and oranges, both will find you happy, just in a different way.

    ...

    Jennifer, 35, DH 36

  26. #41516
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    Jennifer, ugh money issues One of the biggest stressors in any household, with kids or without. I still have no idea how we're going to afford two in daycare. I know that'll all work out, because honestly, there is no other alternative. I know that anybody who picks your profile to view will love the two of you, no doubt in my mind

    I think K made a great point about happiness. Happiness is all about perception and you will find it, if you try.

    There you ladies go being all intellectual again

    Things are a little crazy, but I'm loving every minute of it My Blog


  27. #41517
    Join Date
    May 2007
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    For real on daycare! I don't even know if we could afford it for just one. Our plan is DH is home during the day and I'm home at night and maybe by the time we got a baby and he/she was not sleeping so much that hopefully his mom would be here and could help him out during the day.

    That is why I said if we had won that powerball, a kid would be a no-brainer. I wouldn't work and we could work me into shape and do IVF or hire a surrogate. Unfortunately that didn't come to pass! LOL

    Jennifer, 35, DH 36

  28. #41518

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    I believe, as well, that happiness is a choice. Of course if there is a chemical imbalance then it's not but since that hasn't been an issue for me, I have always been able to slap myself out of a funk. (Sorry I still can't do paragraphs on my laptop) Daycare is crazy expensive. This brings me to my rant today. As y'all know I homeschool and do home daycare. I look at it very much as my job and am so committed to it. Dbf has been making a habit of coming to me when I am seriously engaged with the children and asking me to help him with something. If I don't do it right away, he gets all pissy. These are projects that he starts, like switching the boat seats out with some other ones her found, putting the siding on the house, hauling...whatever you get the point. And it's not that I say NO. I just say that I am busy but I can help him in X amount of time. So he has been making comments to me as if what I am doing is not important. And it may not look important. But when I put Sawyer down for his nap, that is the time I can fully focus on S and K and if that means we are reading on the swingset...that's my work for the moment. I tell them all day, "When Sawyer naps, we will read from our book." and I can't just not do it after I've been promising it all day. He will say, "Oh yeah, I know, your reading with them. Again. Because you don't do that enough." Wha??? You're giving me sh!t for teaching our kids to read???? And for the past few days, one of the chickens gets out all the time. And I am not sure what dbf is trying to prove but he will come all the way from across the yard, pass the chicken, to come to me where I am with the kids and tell me that the chicken is out and he's too busy to chase it. First of all, I am busy too. Second of all, it's a chicken. They aren't hard to catch. His friend was here the other day when one was out and dbf came to tell me about it and I asked him why he doesn't just grab it and he says that he's not going to chase a chicken (mind you, he's just sitting having a drink now, and I'm still out in the front yard doing lessons with the kids) Do you know what his friends said? He said, "I tell my wife that I pay the bills so she can do the rest." I told him only ignorant arseholes think like that. But dbf didn't say a word and it's just more convincing that he thinks me job is of little value. I would like to add up the 7 years of daycare we'd have needed if I didn't stay home and show that to him. Not to mention that I take care of the rest of the house completely on my own. Oh, and now chicken chaser has been added to my job description.
    Last edited by Bridget; 05-23-2013 at 12:22 PM.

  29. #41519
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    May 2007
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    Dude, you should totally add up the cost of the kids daycare. Give him that number. Plus the number you brought in running your own daycare. Oh and housekeeping. How much that would have cost to hire someone x number of hours a week. I mean he might not think you do enough but you do certainly do housekeeping at least some during the week!

    Jennifer, 35, DH 36

  30. #41520

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    You should add it up. Just to compare, a Montessori school here charges $10,000 a year per child, not including food, after school care, etc. So you are looking at a minimum $100,000 of school fees that you have saved. Not to mention the money you have made taking in other kids. What a jerk.

    "Any idiot can face a crisis; it is this day-to-day living that wears you out." -Anton Chekhov


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