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Thread: Secular Confessions

  1. #41071
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    Quote Originally Posted by Suja View Post
    Mandy, I went back and added, which is why you missed it. My nephew's birthday is at the end of the month. He is in Northern New Jersey, so the city wouldn't be hard to get to. If you are going to be there a few days before, and able to meet, I can try to extend my stay.
    I'll let you know when I iron out the dates with my parents. My last day of work for the school year is May 24 so that would work for me. Depends what their plans are.
    Me (39) DH (46) & furbabies * m/c 7/08 4/12 11/12

  2. #41072

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    Rotties are so cool. I like their personalities. I've met some American bulldogs too. I have to confess I'm a "soft hair" dog person, though. When DH and I were looking for dogs to adopt, I just couldn't bring myself to fall for a dog that had short, coarse hair. I'm also not a small dog person, so while we were open to just about any breed or mix, we were fairly limited in that we were essentially only looking for big soft fluffy dogs. We met some sweet Catahoula leopard puppies, and a giant German Shepherd at the pound who was really cool and totally dwarfed me when he stood on his hind legs, but the coarse hair really became a deal breaker for me. Good thing too, because it turned out I'm allergic to dogs, and the coarse haired ones trigger the worst attacks.

    It's 3:20 right now, and I'm super stressed about the sleep thing. Fantasy play didn't work tonight. He was the captain of a submarine, and everything was great with filling the water tanks to dive and clearing seaweed kut of the propeller all that. But the second I started to make a move out of his room, he'd start to cling and cry. Then he'd basically throw a tantrum when I'd leave. It was tough because DH & I both had to work. I think I created or worsened this behavior. B was already sleep-resistant and starting to protest it more loudly since March. Then, as I mentioned, when DH was out of town all last week, I just did the easy thing and slept w/ B in his bed the whole time. So he got used to it all last week. I know all I have to do is lie down with him to get him to calm down and fall asleep, but the way he's acting lately, to lie down with him feels like giving into a tantrum. I don't know what the right move is. I just told B up front I love him but am not coming in if he has a tantrum, then I let DH be the one to go in his room and soothe him. B just spent a near hour shouting/wailing/shrieking/kicking for "Mommy! Mommy!", above DH's voice. I stayed in my room, listening, feeling like a jerk for not going in there, but letting DH handle it like we'd discussed. It's finally quiet, but I think everyone's nerves are shot.

    L, don't feel responsible for The Magic Treehouse. It's obviously my fault for not pre screening them thoroughly. And besides, they're cool stories from what I've heard. Plus I don't know what B will find too scary. He's totally engrossed while he's listening, only for the bugaboos to hit him later.

    I will definitely check out ALL your links. Thank you for sharing them. As you can tell, I take a lot of ideas and recs from this thread. I may have to try lavender spray as well.

  3. #41073

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    Suja, Dad's had all 3 types of skin cancer on his face and arms. Years of navy, I imagine, out on the ship in the open air all day every day, before sunscreen.

    Myles, are you both totally opposed to staying with B until he falls asleep? It sounds like he just needs you right now, for whatever reason. You might never figure out the reason but it won't last forever. Some experts would even say that eventually, just knowing the option is there is comfort enough. Obviously there are a lot of different theories on nighttime parenting so just throwing mine in the hat! I feel awful to hear you guys struggling so much.

    My big dirt patch in the front yard is growing grass! I never thought I would literally watch grass grow...and get so excited about it.

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    Bridget, we used to do photodynamic therapy here. The kind we used required people to stay out of the sun for 30 days afterward, and they had to wear hats, glasses, gloves, etc. even when riding in a car behind glass. It was an amazing treatment for people who might otherwise have to get surgery or be subject to many more procedures and the possibility of developing cancer (we used it for a precancerous condition).

    Here is a good page explaining it and the different types of PDT: http://www.cancer.org/treatment/trea...ynamic-therapy

    We don't do it any more just because the doctor who specialized in it left to go to another hospital.

    I have to clock in now, but I hope that helped.


  5. #41075
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    I second, third? Bridget running the Secular ‘commune’ daycare.

    Speaking of daycares I forgot what a hassle it is finding one. DH and I talked about switching Nolan to a ‘regular’ daycare, right now he’s being watched by a family friend. Sometimes I think he needs more interaction (though she does watch one other boy his age). My Cloth Diaper question keeps getting met with “Cloth, what?” Ugh. Or “shouldn’t he be potty trained by now?”

    Than of course asking about rates for newborns just reminds me precisely how poor I am, what exactly would be the point of me working if I am giving you half of my net income Anyway, rant over!

    Bridget how exciting about the hens!! Organic chicken feed is news to me! I have no idea what we feed the chickens, I know it is an all vegetarian meal, but mostly they just eat whatever bugs they find and I haven’t heard of that treatment that your dad is getting. I’ll also second the sick of washing diapers bandwagon Nolan was starting to do so well going on the potty, but all of a sudden he’s not interested anymore. If I ask him he just tells me “No, want my diaper”

    Myles I am so sorry you are having such a hard time with sleep B Sleep issues are THE worst and there is no one answer – unfortunately. I wish I had some useful suggestion but all I can offer is

    Things are a little crazy, but I'm loving every minute of it My Blog


  6. #41076
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    Quote Originally Posted by Gwenn View Post
    Sorry, I missed this first time around. Niece's high school graduation is June 7 and her brother's middle school graduation is two days earlier. So it would be in that timeframe but those days of course would be unavailable. I haven't made definite plans yet but my parents offered to buy me a ticket and my BFF said I could stay with her (and I haven't seen her IRL since said niece was an infant). I know a couple other APA / former APA mamas live in the tri-state area. I don't know how much socializing I can squeeze in but it would be really fun, especially for a secular meetup. I just have to figure out about car rentals now. I also don't know my parents' timeframe in detail either but know they are also planning to connect with old friends while they are there.
    We could pick one day/time & all of us 'in the area' meet together. That would be easier for you to fit into your schedule, and give us all an opportunity to visit

    Quote Originally Posted by demigraf View Post
    B just spent a near hour shouting/wailing/shrieking/kicking for "Mommy! Mommy!", above DH's voice. I stayed in my room, listening, feeling like a jerk for not going in there, but letting DH handle it like we'd discussed. It's finally quiet, but I think everyone's nerves are shot.
    Awww I've definitely been there. I do think sometimes it's best to have the other parent handle the situation though. Otherwise, it will just continue indefinitely. I wish I had more helpful advice. I feel for you.

    I just accidentally let all 3 of Shannon's dogs in her house. They're mischievous little devils!!

    Mama to Bobbie 20 ~ Jesi 18 ~ Syd 14 ~ Conner 6
    I'm gonna be a Gramama! Jesi is due 11/22/13


  7. #41077
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    Bridget, here is some more info http://vsearch.nlm.nih.gov/vivisimo/...ynamic+therapy

    I am of course a fan of the smaller dogs but not the tiny ones. My perfect dog size is around 25 lbs. Cosmo has a soft coat. Molly is shaggy but hers is coarse which we didn't expect. It's weird because it will get almost greasy like and really stiff if it's been a few days since brushing but as soon as I brush it, it's fairly soft. I like Cosmo's softness but she has to get professional haircuts. Molly has never gone to the groomer and only had trims around her eyes by me. And her coat is cool because it's almost waterproof. Both go out in the snow or rain and Molly dries off super fast and easy.

    Jennifer, 35, DH 36

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    Myles, can you just stay with him, and when he's getting a little drowsy, step out for a minute to go to the bathroom, come back in, then go back out for some other reason, stay out for a couple of minutes, etc.?

  9. #41079

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    Quote Originally Posted by Bridget View Post
    Myles, are you both totally opposed to staying with B until he falls asleep? It sounds like he just needs you right now, for whatever reason. You might never figure out the reason but it won't last forever. Some experts would even say that eventually, just knowing the option is there is comfort enough. Obviously there are a lot of different theories on nighttime parenting so just throwing mine in the hat! I feel awful to hear you guys struggling so much.
    I honestly don't know. Nothing feels right, if that makes any sense. I can usually parent by intuition, but it's so hard to be fighting a battle on two fronts - on the one hand trying to be a responsive parent when your child needs you, and on the other hand, trying to avoid reinforcing/rewarding some seriously bad behavior. And DH also is pressuring me to allow him to try to soothe B, because he takes it personally, of course, that B is rejecting him when DH is right there willing to lie down with him, rub his back, etc. It's just a tough situation all around.

    Quote Originally Posted by Suja View Post
    Myles, can you just stay with him, and when he's getting a little drowsy, step out for a minute to go to the bathroom, come back in, then go back out for some other reason, stay out for a couple of minutes, etc.?
    The way it plays out with B, is that for him to fall asleep peacefully (at least at the moment), I need to be in his bed, preferably with his head crushing my arm, his leg wrapped around me, and his finger plugged into my belly button. Any attempt to rearrange our bodies gets met with a very forceful (sometimes pretend) cry. So I either have to stay there until he truly falls asleep, or deal with him waking himself up more from more protesting.

    I think this whole thing started back in March when we went to Nicaragua, and he started sleeping in the same bed with us during the trip. I get that if he wants to sleep with us, he's getting something he needs out of being with us, but he doesn't sleep well already, and he sleeps worse when he's bed sharing. Again, there's that tension between needing to be responsive parents and trying to do what's good for him on a physical level. He averages 8 hrs of sleep when he's got a parent in bed with him, and 10 hrs of sleep when he successfully sleeps on his own. And when he's only had 8 hrs of sleep, he also tends to reject his naps, which turns into epic cases of the crummies, where I can see he's physically in pain from needing to sleep. I feel like a crappy parent either way.

    Bridget, I'm so sorry to hear about your dad's skin cancer. I never knew about his history. And with your experience with cancer in your family, it must touch quite a few nerves for you. I hope this latest therapy brings some resolve to his issues.
    Last edited by demigraf; 05-07-2013 at 10:58 AM.

  10. #41080
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    That's a really tough situation Myles. But you are not a crummy parent. Not by a long shot. I do hope you find that balance that works for everyone really quickly.

    Mama to Bobbie 20 ~ Jesi 18 ~ Syd 14 ~ Conner 6
    I'm gonna be a Gramama! Jesi is due 11/22/13


  11. #41081
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    You're not crummy, Myles. That would drive me nuts having him poke me in the belly and all that. I hate when Travis gets in our bed because he sticks his knees right in my back...then starts snoring loudly. I get over-stimulated very easily by being touched too much.

    Confession time-we just bought Travis an ipod touch for his 5th birthday....I think I might be making up for the things I never had as a child. LOL

  12. #41082

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    I agree you're not crummy Myles. To make you feel better and to make myself look kind of bad, I will admit that I am a horrible little kid (like 3+ years old) "I'm-scared" sort of mom. I think because I get extremely tired and just don't want to deal with it and I will say that they should stop being scared and go to bed. Horrible I know, but I also reinforce that if anything/anyone is bothering them such as monsters, or in Ky's case as a 4-6 year old a "giant evil owl staring at him through the window trying to steal his soul" that if they are really there when I come in that I will kick their ass because I don't want to keep being up. Odd, but it always helped both my kids. Elle frequently says she is afraid of nothing at night because Mommy AND Daddy will kick the butt of whatever is messing with her lol. Ky was still afraid of the evil owl, oddly enough we were speaking of this fear of his just yesterday and he told me that there really was an owl outside of his window but admitted that it was a statue of an owl across the street on the old school near our house. DH is much better at nighttime fear handling than I am. He was scared a lot as a kid at night so is very empathetic, much moreso than he is about anything during the day that happens.

    Chrissy good to hear you are having a good time visiting Shannon!

    And I would be willing to come visit Suja too! It would be fun. We are thinking of visiting the DC metro area maybe next year to visit my cousin who works for the mayor's office there. She cracks me up with her tales of her sex crazed Russian roommate (she has videos of the girl getting busy on the couch) and how she (my cousin) viewed that situation as proof she is too old for a roommate so she has recently rented a new place. She also tells of of the craziness that goes on the mayor's office and how dramatic the change is for public officials when they get in private.

    Erin
    Last edited by Ky'sMom; 05-07-2013 at 06:19 PM.

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    LOL, Erin! I was going to quote the giant evil owl trying to steal Ky's soul as having me in hysterics, but the videos of the Russian roommate having sex kind of trumped that if it's possible! Too funny.
    Me (39) DH (46) & furbabies * m/c 7/08 4/12 11/12

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    You should have seen the videos Mandy. They were outrageous!!! My cousin said she would just pick up random guys and bring them home. One of them approached my cousin for a threesome! And that was the final straw. My cousin is pretty cool, but is also very conservative in dress, speech, appearances, and behavior so just her being in that situation was hilarious enough for me. No one believed her so she videoed the girl. She said Russian Roommate told her that she (Russian Roommate) saw sex as liberating so had to have as much as possible and waking up at night to go pee, my cousin frequently found strange men in their apartment and was frightened. She once had to call one of her male friends to kick one of the guys out because he wouldn't leave when she asked him to and was drunk and the police was taking too long to come.

    Just a crazy situation for her. She is much happier now paying out the wazoo for DC rent and living by herself.

    Erin

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    Quote Originally Posted by Ky'sMom View Post
    You should have seen the videos Mandy. They were outrageous!!! My cousin said she would just pick up random guys and bring them home. One of them approached my cousin for a threesome! And that was the final straw. My cousin is pretty cool, but is also very conservative in dress, speech, appearances, and behavior so just her being in that situation was hilarious enough for me. No one believed her so she videoed the girl. She said Russian Roommate told her that she (Russian Roommate) saw sex as liberating so had to have as much as possible and waking up at night to go pee, my cousin frequently found strange men in their apartment and was frightened. She once had to call one of her male friends to kick one of the guys out because he wouldn't leave when she asked him to and was drunk and the police was taking too long to come.

    Just a crazy situation for her. She is much happier now paying out the wazoo for DC rent and living by herself.

    Erin
    Oh, man. So crazy!
    Me (39) DH (46) & furbabies * m/c 7/08 4/12 11/12

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    Quick update. According to preliminary pathology, Pan's nasal tumor is papillary adenocarcinoma. Only treatment option is radiation, 12-20 sessions, and she would have to be knocked out for it. If she were a young dog, we'd do it, but what do we achieve by putting a 12 year old Great Dane through that? We'll just work on keeping her comfortable and eating for as long as possible. Given how little she is eating (I had to syringe feed her again today), I suspect she won't make it much longer.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Suja View Post
    Quick update. According to preliminary pathology, Pan's nasal tumor is papillary adenocarcinoma. Only treatment option is radiation, 12-20 sessions, and she would have to be knocked out for it. If she were a young dog, we'd do it, but what do we achieve by putting a 12 year old Great Dane through that? We'll just work on keeping her comfortable and eating for as long as possible. Given how little she is eating (I had to syringe feed her again today), I suspect she won't make it much longer.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Suja View Post
    Quick update. According to preliminary pathology, Pan's nasal tumor is papillary adenocarcinoma. Only treatment option is radiation, 12-20 sessions, and she would have to be knocked out for it. If she were a young dog, we'd do it, but what do we achieve by putting a 12 year old Great Dane through that? We'll just work on keeping her comfortable and eating for as long as possible. Given how little she is eating (I had to syringe feed her again today), I suspect she won't make it much longer.
    I am so sorry.

    That was the reason we made such a quick decision to have Nero put to sleep when the time came. He was the most food-obsessed dog I have ever known (which is saying a lot) and we just couldn't imagine how much pain he must have been in to turn down food. We will be thinking of you and Pan.
    Me (39) DH (46) & furbabies * m/c 7/08 4/12 11/12

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    So sorry, Suja.

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    Oh, man, Suja. That must have been so hard when you walked thru all the scenarios in your mind to come to that decision. I'm so sad for you. Please give Pan a hug for me. I know any dog of yours would be very attached to you and must feel your sadness. I hope you guys fit some more happy times in the time you have left.

  21. #41091

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    Erin, you make sex addiction (usually a very sad topic) hilarious! I have some very sceptical thoughts about the whole "sex is liberation" rhetoric.

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    Suja, I'm so sorry to hear about Pan. It is never easy to make a decision like that, and your post cast me back to two different beloved pets of mine that I had to say goodbye to. I'm very sorry.
    -----------------------

    Quote Originally Posted by demigraf View Post
    Erin, you make sex addiction (usually a very sad topic) hilarious! I have some very sceptical thoughts about the whole "sex is liberation" rhetoric.
    What if you are held in bondage and you meet someone with very strong... muscles, and with precise, jackhammer-like skills, the ropes break apart and you are liberated simply by the sheer force and ability? What would you say then? Still skeptical? Okay, well, I'll take your word for it. But it happened to me. Really.


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    Quote Originally Posted by 3andMe View Post
    What if you are held in bondage and you meet someone with very strong... muscles, and with precise, jackhammer-like skills, the ropes break apart and you are liberated simply by the sheer force and ability? What would you say then? Still skeptical? Okay, well, I'll take your word for it. But it happened to me. Really.
    Somewhere in there is a story waiting to be written. And I would like to read it.
    Me (39) DH (46) & furbabies * m/c 7/08 4/12 11/12

  24. #41094
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    Suja, I am so very, very sorry.



    Quote Originally Posted by demigraf View Post
    Erin, you make sex addiction (usually a very sad topic) hilarious! I have some very sceptical thoughts about the whole "sex is liberation" rhetoric.
    Agreed.

    Quote Originally Posted by 3andMe View Post
    What if you are held in bondage and you meet someone with very strong... muscles, and with precise, jackhammer-like skills, the ropes break apart and you are liberated simply by the sheer force and ability? What would you say then? Still skeptical? Okay, well, I'll take your word for it. But it happened to me. Really.
    oh my!!

    Mama to Bobbie 20 ~ Jesi 18 ~ Syd 14 ~ Conner 6
    I'm gonna be a Gramama! Jesi is due 11/22/13


  25. #41095
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    I was getting so sad there for a moment that I had to be outrageously silly to counteract the weepiness that I was experiencing there.

    I cannot precisely say that I have ever been literally liberated by sex.

    Mylah, btw, I meant to reiterate again (I've said it before in here, but it's been a while) that some of my most miserable parenting experiences have been while trying to get my kids to sleep. I have spent countless hours with children bouncing on me or poking me or waaaahhhing, or me trying to hold them still, or shhh-ing them, or me bouncing them, or quietly non-engaging them, or lying still with them afraid to move a muscle in fear that they'd arouse just enough to start the whole cycle again. Even now, whenever I get up to go to the bathroom in the night, I tiptoe in fear of hitting a creaky board and waking up S. and spending time getting him back to sleep.

    I do not really give in now. If I let them sleep with us tonight, they'll wake up earlier and more of them will come in the next night, and it will be a work day for me. I comfort quickly and usher them back to bed. I will stay with them if they need extra TLC, but I pretty much have to be matter-of-fact about it and this is from someone who bed-shared with the twins until 2 1/2 and S. until he was a year old (he didn't like it as much). Vacation is different, certainly, but I go back to the home rules when we get back, and I don't give in because it just makes it that much harder the next night. I do it with sweets, too. There are special occasions, but if I start giving them treats all the time, they start asking for more and more and more.

    But I'm offering my own experiences--I found it helpful (and liberating!) to know of moms that I liked and respected who did sort of the same thing. Who bedshared but who also ended up setting boundaries eventually, since bedtime was becoming so unpleasant for all of us. It was hard to come to a place where it felt entirely comfortable, since it was kind of one extreme to another, but I realized I had been setting a lot of boundaries and routines in the bedsharing arena anyway (lights out, quiet, etc.) so it didn't come as a big stretch to go to their own bed and do the same routine and then have an add-on after that. I stayed with them until they fell asleep for months after they were in their own bed. I still stay with S. until he's asleep, but I can go in and out briefly if I need to, or even put away laundry in the same room. I don't have to lie down with him. White noise helped a lot. The tot clock helped a lot (the clock that turns blue when it's bedtime, yellow when it's wake up time). Relaxation CDs helped occasionally, more now when they're older and actually want something to help them sleep. I used to have a sticker reward chart for getting ready for bed and going to sleep, with a prize at the end of the week. That helped, sort of. Keeping a dim light on helped.


  26. #41096

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    Popping in to let Suja know I'm so very sorry Big hugs my friend
    Karen (28), DF (28), DD (3), DS (2 months)


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    Huge hugs Suja, I'm sorry the prognosis isn't good.
    AKA Lisa724

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    Suja I'm so sorry.

    Jennifer, 35, DH 36

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    Suja I am so sorry mama

    Things are a little crazy, but I'm loving every minute of it My Blog


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    All these sleep issues are scary! I mean I knew about it with babies but not older kids. So different from how we were raised. Bedtime was 8pm until I was 13. We never slept with the parents, hardly ever even went in their room. They didn't lie down with us....we had twin beds. No elaborate bedtime routines. Pjs, brush your teeth and go potty and off to bed. If we came out and tried to pull stuff, we just got mom with a firm mom look and a quick, no go back to bed. If sick or a special once in a while weekend thing....we got to sleep on the couch with the TV running. I had a couple of VHS tapes with bootleg disney movies and a couple full of Peanuts cartoons that we would watch.

    Jennifer, 35, DH 36

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