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Thread: Secular Confessions

  1. #40621

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    Josh sometimes doesn't want to go out in favor of having more "screen time". One time he was with us and my in-laws and they asked if he wanted to stay longer and he said "I really want to go home and play on the xbox". He ended up staying longer anyway. But he hasn't played on the xbox in months and hasn't mentioned it since that day.

    I'm honestly kind of glad he wants to spend less time with my in-laws. They are not really nice people and I don't think they have his best interests in mind. MIL told us she would come see him in his Lion King performance and that day she had a tiff with DH and she didn't come to see the show. He was looking for her the whole time. It was very sad.

    Good luck with your appt. L!

    Bridget, I agree with what Myles said about what your MIL said to you.

  2. #40622
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    3andMe is offline Every day is a gift. It's just... does it have to be a pair of socks? Hopelessly Devoted
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    Bridget, that email is just Grrr. I appreciate that she is hopefully trying to communicate with you and (perhaps in a way) apologize to you for some of the difficult moments on the trip, but it still sounds passive aggressive to me. I will write more later if I can.

    I have a lot of dinner/laundry and dishes to put away/kid care, and I have to turn my computer off because it's too hot here (I have fans going in every room right now and it's 78 degrees and the computer is just contributing to it.

    I have about 50 small tadpoles swimming around like crazy. I love my new doctor. He is awesome. I'm glad I picked someone who noted that he like science fiction in his profile. I don't know if that helped him be a little more cool, but it was a better indicator than the doctors who had a laundry list of things patients had to do in order to be better patients.

    Gretchen, I have some things to respond to your DH and his mandate about no screen time for you, too, when I think of it. I'm noting this now so I can remember later. My DH went through a phase like that also. He got me a book called The Berenstein Bears and Too Much APA. Just kidding about that, but I can sympathize and I can share how I talked to him about it.


  3. #40623
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    B, I think she's acknowledging that her behavior wasn't the best and she is trying to open communication about that. Being vulnerable isn't just a scary thing for some people, but if they're not used to it they don't always know how to express themselves. If it were me, I'd try to continue the dialogue but I'd do it on the phone rather than email. That way she can hear you and your sincerity.

    She just might be one of those that feels a grandmother's job is to be a disciplinarian. I've seen the type. If she was raised that way, she really wouldn't know any better. Some encouragement from you just might give you both a lot of relief. It sounds like she does care about her relationship with you and the kids. I'd give her the benefit of the doubt and look at this as an olive branch. Let her know that grandma loves and fun are all that's expected. She might not realize it's as simple as that.

    Mama to Bobbie 20 ~ Jesi 18 ~ Syd 14 ~ Conner 6
    I'm gonna be a Gramama! Jesi is due 11/22/13


  4. #40624

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    Suja, how is Pan doing?

  5. #40625

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    Kate, I can't believe your inlaws did that to Josh! That would be very upsetting to me. How immature of them.
    L, so glad to hear you love your new dr!
    And Erin, so nice to see you in here and super happy for you that you had a nice vacation.

    Yeah, I am totally tottering between being really annoyed by that email and really touched by her reaching out. Dbf insists that's her way of apologizing without having to say she was wrong. So here's the email I sent back. Hope you guys don't mind me over sharing here. I've just never had a relationship like this with someone that I have to continue having it with! I feel like I yammered on in the email but didn't know what to take out when I read through it. Oh, and Myles, the last paragraph is basically verbatim what you said. Thanks! lol
    I am sorry to hear that you carry so much sadness from your childhood. It surely is normal for children to get used to the way their mama cares for them. I've made a career of taking care of other people's children so I can assure you it is normal and I find myself cutting off the crusts off sandwiches and buckling baby dolls into strollers for walks because "that's what mommy does" and a comforting routine is good for children. For everyone, really. I like it myself. I hope that I am sensitive to your needs while you are here and I try really hard to foster that bond between you and the kids. I certainly never wish to stand in the way as I had a very special bond with my own grandmother. At the same time, we do have our family ways that are unique to us that are part of who we are. The incident at the end, where Kai was scolded and upset, that was hurtful to all of us. I have always taught the children that they have a right to be alone and they have a right to say stop...even to grown ups. Even to me. I really felt I needed to stick up for Kai in that situation when he asked to be alone. And you feeling like you needed to get out of the house after that, was a perfect example of how we all need to be alone sometimes, to sort out our feelings. I try to give them the respect I'd give a dear friend, especially since they are even more dear than my closest friend!
    I think that the general disorder of our house is hard for you and I'm sorry for that. I do wish for my children to be respectful and kind but I equally wish for them to unafraid to speak their mind, to question authority, to say what they want, to get dirty, to BE children. I do not wish for them to be quiet, or blindly obedient, or go against who they are and what they feel. I think a lot of the sadness and confusion that we carry around as adults has to do with being told as children that who we are is wrong. Sit down. Be quiet. Don't touch it. Don't argue. How awful that feels to be told that what comes naturally to you is wrong? I remember that feeling in school. Rarely were we encouraged to think for ourselves and be wild and learn by diving in feet first, be freethinkers. That is what I want for them. Question everything. Even mama. Never be afraid to speak your mind, especially around those who love you. And I expect great things from them. They depend on me now as they should, and when they grow old enough to be without me, they will be stronger for the fact that I didn't push it too early. I have doubted many things in my life and choices I have made but I don't doubt the way we are raising them. It's the only think I know for sure that I'm doing right. Not that my way is the only right way, but that it is right for us. We are all thriving.
    But the short of it, really, is that you don't have to carry the responsibility of their discipline, emotional development, ethics, and eventual autonomy. That's for Mark and me. You just get to spoil them, give them chocolate and watch too many movies, tickle their backs and read them stories. Which you did, and they loved.
    Here's to our next visit, beachside
    .

  6. #40626
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    Quote Originally Posted by daylilies View Post
    I'm honestly kind of glad he wants to spend less time with my in-laws. They are not really nice people and I don't think they have his best interests in mind. MIL told us she would come see him in his Lion King performance and that day she had a tiff with DH and she didn't come to see the show. He was looking for her the whole time. It was very sad.
    That makes me wanna cry for Josh. How vile are those people?! Goodness!

    Mama to Bobbie 20 ~ Jesi 18 ~ Syd 14 ~ Conner 6
    I'm gonna be a Gramama! Jesi is due 11/22/13


  7. #40627
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    I think your response was very sensitive and well thought out. Let's hope she takes the last to heart.

    Mama to Bobbie 20 ~ Jesi 18 ~ Syd 14 ~ Conner 6
    I'm gonna be a Gramama! Jesi is due 11/22/13


  8. #40628

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    Kate - those people sound so immature and awful. I would limit the time he spends with them too.

    Bridget - that response was perfect.

    Gretchen - it would get my back up to be told when I could get on the computer and how long. I'm afraid I wouldn't be as nice as you are. I would be livid.

    I think the Neti deaths were due to people just using tap water in Louisiana rather than filtered and boiled water. I swear by my Neti pot in the height of allergy season (10 months of the year here) and wouldn't want to give it up.

    "Any idiot can face a crisis; it is this day-to-day living that wears you out." -Anton Chekhov


  9. #40629

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    I got totally freaked out by those deaths as well and my neti pot has been lonely in the bathroom cabinet ever since.

    I need to go back and read because I missed Gretchen's dh setting computer limits!

  10. #40630
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    Poor little Josh. Such petty people, and he is too young to understand.

    Bridget, the response couldn't be more perfect. I hope she keeps an open mind.

    Myles, thank you for asking about Pan. There isn't much good to say, so I'm saying nothing. We're trying out a bunch of meds in the hope that something sticks, but I'm preparing myself for letting her go. I can't stand by idly by and watch as she slowly starves.

  11. #40631

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    Oh, God Suja. I am so so sorry.

  12. #40632

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    I'm so sorry, Suja. This is one of those times I wish I could reach across the internet ... I really hope something works for her.
    -- mom to DD1 1/98 and DD2 10/09


  13. #40633

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    I had "Too Much TV" when I was a kid! Luckily, I'm doing well at keeping Maiya's TV to a minimum (she's watched about 28 minutes in the last 2 months...).

    Wow, L, they hatched already?? I knew they were squirming around an awful lot in there. You'll have to share pictures, Maiya was excitd about those baby frogs, too!

    Gah, I finally get a chance to pop on here and Maiya wakes up crying, for the first time in ages!! She did SO great at her blood draw today, didn't even flinch... But then hubby made her a bit upset about it at bedtime, I hope she's not having a nightmare about it...

    Will try to catch up more later!



  14. #40634

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    Oh, Suja. I'd been hoping for better news. Hang in there, friend.

  15. #40635
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    Suja. I'm sorry.

    Mama to Bobbie 20 ~ Jesi 18 ~ Syd 14 ~ Conner 6
    I'm gonna be a Gramama! Jesi is due 11/22/13


  16. #40636

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    I'm so sorry Suja, that sucks

    Bridget, I think your response is great!!

    Gretchen, My DH is the same way. He's anti internet/ anti facebook, etc. He makes snide comments a lot. Drives me BONKERS. I feel your pain.
    AKA Lisa724

  17. #40637

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    Bridget, that was a beautiful response. Only the most insecure person would take it badly.

    Kate, your MIL is so spiteful for taking it out on Josh like that.
    Last edited by demigraf; 04-23-2013 at 08:05 AM.

  18. #40638

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    I'm sorry Suja

    Yeah, my MIL is quite the piece of work. My FIL isn't as bad but he takes her crap which makes him almost as bad in my book.

    Bridget, I loved your response to MIL. It really seemed to embody you and everything I've learned from you and honestly strive to be more like. (Still working on that...heh) And you did the whole thing without pointing out anything she did wrong.

  19. #40639
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    Suja, many mama!

    B, your response was perfect. My mom took some time to realize where her boundaries were as Grammy. She has now learned that if a situation calls for discipline of any sort, she quite literally steps aside. It is not her place (if I am there of course) to do anything of that nature. She is there for sneaking him food I don't want him to have, playing, and laughing.

    Things are a little crazy, but I'm loving every minute of it My Blog


  20. #40640
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    Suja

    Bridget - you MIL sounds a lot like my mom. It drives me crazy. I do not handle it as well as you.

    Kate - I'm sorry to hear about your MIL and poor josh.


    This weekend I drove from Chicago to Minneapolis with my mom and sister to visit my aunt. I'm going back on Friday, this time by myself with two kids. I'm dreading it! Cameron thinks that a 6 hour drive is a "road trip" but it seems Parker feels that it's torture. I have to agree with him!

  21. #40641
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    Quote Originally Posted by CamaLamaMama View Post
    This weekend I drove from Chicago to Minneapolis with my mom and sister to visit my aunt. I'm going back on Friday, this time by myself with two kids. I'm dreading it! Cameron thinks that a 6 hour drive is a "road trip" but it seems Parker feels that it's torture. I have to agree with him!
    I hope all goes as well as possible! I am with you, I loathe 'road trips'!

    Things are a little crazy, but I'm loving every minute of it My Blog


  22. #40642
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    It only takes you six hours from chicago to the cities? I would think that it would be at least seven. It takes us 5-6 easily to get from our place to MIL's....though she is in the southern burbs. And it's another 90 min to 2 hours from my house to the twin cities.
    Good news is that it's not supposed to snow at least this weekend! LOL

    I like a road trip myself. Going to Cincinnati and Pittsburgh for vacation next month. DH and I both hate flying.
    Last edited by Cosmosmom; 04-23-2013 at 01:47 PM.

    Jennifer, 35, DH 36

  23. #40643

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    Quote Originally Posted by girlwonder View Post
    Gretchen - it would get my back up to be told when I could get on the computer and how long. I'm afraid I wouldn't be as nice as you are. I would be livid.
    Yeah, I was pretty mad about it, and upset, but my feelings are conflicted. How the house is kept up is a bit of a recurring issue for us with some difficulty understanding each others' position, and it was kind of wrapped up in that (he felt like I should be getting things done around the house instead of "wasting time" online). I know I'm not perfect, but it sometimes hurts to be reminded. We have a difference of opinion about what's appropriate use of time, what our roles are with housework and downtime and what we each should be doing at any given moment. I work hard not to focus on his flaws, but he doesn't approach things the same way. I'm more of a "you do you" kind of person, and he gets a little more bent out of shape if things and people aren't quite the way he'd like. He tries not to be a jerk about it, and I know there are lots of times he swallows his resentments, but eventually they come out in some sarcastic way and I end up feeling crappy. I also think I've allowed a bit of a power imbalance to develop in our relationship in this area -- it's complicated, but probably has something to do with him making the money and me staying home (I work at home, but I bring in a tiny portion of our income), and our personality differences, and the fact that I've been open to the fact that I'm imperfect -- I think it makes him think somehow that it's okay for him to harp on it, because I've admitted before that I think I could do better.

    Anyway, all of that has made me unsure of how to approach the issue. I want to say "it hurts me when you put passive-aggressive notes up on the computer pointing out my flaws and saying what you think I should be doing," but since I too have some resentments over things which I try to let go, I'm afraid that stuff would come out and then it would just be a big defensive clusterf*ck for everybody. One thing I did try to do was to bring up the housework issue without pointing fingers -- I wrote down all of the household chores and responsibilities, how often they should be done (with input from him), and then asked him who he thinks should be responsible for each thing. He didn't seem too happy about it -- it's become quite unequal around here but I know he's feeling like he shouldn't have to contribute any more than he does, and he's uncomfortable with the idea of me pinning him down to specific chores. And I did want to do that, because there are a lot of things he used to do around the house that over the years have slowly shifted to become my job, and he gets annoyed when I point them out -- but even more than just getting it down on paper, it's a way of me being able to check all my stuff off the list so he can't use it as an excuse to tell me what I ought to be doing with my time.

    Truthfully, though, the computer thing isn't just about the housework -- he resents me being on it even when everything is done because he just doesn't like it. He will come in and try to make me feel guilty -- "Don't you want to be with your family? Your husband wants to spend time with you." Which of course, I do want to be with them, but dang, a few minutes to myself isn't so bad either. However, I see his point that sometimes it's just a habit for me to sit down and check my mail -- or check up on you all! -- and maybe I should take a look at that habit and see how I can tweak it so it doesn't affect him. But then there's that part of me that wishes he'd just cut me a break. Especially after he didn't do the dinner dishes AGAIN last night after we just talked about it! Guess I should put a post-it note on his after-work beer that says "The kitchen needs you more than this beer does."

    Anyway, L, I'd love to hear more about how it worked out in your household when you have time.
    -- mom to DD1 1/98 and DD2 10/09


  24. #40644

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    Quote Originally Posted by pepperlru View Post
    Yeah, I was pretty mad about it, and upset, but my feelings are conflicted. How the house is kept up is a bit of a recurring issue for us with some difficulty understanding each others' position, and it was kind of wrapped up in that (he felt like I should be getting things done around the house instead of "wasting time" online). I know I'm not perfect, but it sometimes hurts to be reminded. We have a difference of opinion about what's appropriate use of time, what our roles are with housework and downtime and what we each should be doing at any given moment. I work hard not to focus on his flaws, but he doesn't approach things the same way. I'm more of a "you do you" kind of person, and he gets a little more bent out of shape if things and people aren't quite the way he'd like. He tries not to be a jerk about it, and I know there are lots of times he swallows his resentments, but eventually they come out in some sarcastic way and I end up feeling crappy. I also think I've allowed a bit of a power imbalance to develop in our relationship in this area -- it's complicated, but probably has something to do with him making the money and me staying home (I work at home, but I bring in a tiny portion of our income), and our personality differences, and the fact that I've been open to the fact that I'm imperfect -- I think it makes him think somehow that it's okay for him to harp on it, because I've admitted before that I think I could do better.

    Anyway, all of that has made me unsure of how to approach the issue. I want to say "it hurts me when you put passive-aggressive notes up on the computer pointing out my flaws and saying what you think I should be doing," but since I too have some resentments over things which I try to let go, I'm afraid that stuff would come out and then it would just be a big defensive clusterf*ck for everybody. One thing I did try to do was to bring up the housework issue without pointing fingers -- I wrote down all of the household chores and responsibilities, how often they should be done (with input from him), and then asked him who he thinks should be responsible for each thing. He didn't seem too happy about it -- it's become quite unequal around here but I know he's feeling like he shouldn't have to contribute any more than he does, and he's uncomfortable with the idea of me pinning him down to specific chores. And I did want to do that, because there are a lot of things he used to do around the house that over the years have slowly shifted to become my job, and he gets annoyed when I point them out -- but even more than just getting it down on paper, it's a way of me being able to check all my stuff off the list so he can't use it as an excuse to tell me what I ought to be doing with my time.

    Truthfully, though, the computer thing isn't just about the housework -- he resents me being on it even when everything is done because he just doesn't like it. He will come in and try to make me feel guilty -- "Don't you want to be with your family? Your husband wants to spend time with you." Which of course, I do want to be with them, but dang, a few minutes to myself isn't so bad either. However, I see his point that sometimes it's just a habit for me to sit down and check my mail -- or check up on you all! -- and maybe I should take a look at that habit and see how I can tweak it so it doesn't affect him. But then there's that part of me that wishes he'd just cut me a break. Especially after he didn't do the dinner dishes AGAIN last night after we just talked about it! Guess I should put a post-it note on his after-work beer that says "The kitchen needs you more than this beer does."

    Anyway, L, I'd love to hear more about how it worked out in your household when you have time.
    Are we married to the same person? Seriously, I could have written that almost word for word. Except I work and he stays home with the kids.
    AKA Lisa724

  25. #40645

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    Yeah, I'd love to hear too, Lydia!
    That sounds much like our struggle too, Pepperlu. He makes little comments, like walking through the living room muttering, "messy, messy, messy" under his breath but doesn't stop to pick ONE thing up. It's not like it's my shoes and purses. It's the OUR children's belongings. I mean, I am very much of the mindset that if you think it needs to be done, DO IT. Don't tell me about it like I should do it. I do random chores all day! I wouldn't even tell him, "oh, I raked the front yard even though that's YOUR job". How ridiculous. It's our house. Our children. Our life.
    And then he acts hurt that I won't sit and watch a movie with him because I have to clean that house he was muttering about earlier. Sometimes it leaves me speechless!

    Sorry, this was your gripe. Anyway, I feel ya.

  26. #40646
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    Household chores and the like are such annoying stressors.

    Hubs used to have serious issues with my computer time. I could, at times, get involved/distracted with something in the internet world and loose focus though.

    Things are a little crazy, but I'm loving every minute of it My Blog


  27. #40647
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    I think that must be really hard to feel the unequal balance that comes from one person staying at home and the other working outside the home. I admit that if we could ever afford to have DH at home, I would expect the house to be clean so that when I got home, I wouldn't be doing many chores and instead having free time or time with the family. I would probably keep cooking dinner because I like to cook and laundry because I just don't trust someone else with my clothes.

    Dividing up who does what is tricky. It took us a while to get it and even though it's a pretty good balance most of the time, once in a while one of us will get snippity about how the other isn't doing something or how it's being done.

    Not cool though having someone dictate or pick on what you do with your free time long as it's not excessive.

    Jennifer, 35, DH 36

  28. #40648
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    Quote Originally Posted by Cosmosmom View Post
    It only takes you six hours from chicago to the cities? I would think that it would be at least seven. It takes us 5-6 easily to get from our place to MIL's....though she is in the southern burbs. And it's another 90 min to 2 hours from my house to the twin cities.
    Good news is that it's not supposed to snow at least this weekend! LOL

    I like a road trip myself. Going to Cincinnati and Pittsburgh for vacation next month. DH and I both hate flying.
    I live in the NW burbs, like 10 min away from Gurnee Mills/ Six Flags. So not exactly Chicago. I'm closer to the state line than the city.

    I love a road trip, but not with a newborn. Plus, Cameron is a handful in the car. I like to drive with it relatively quiet but she doesn't allow that at all! I don't like flying either, but we are flying to Disney world this summer.

  29. #40649
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    I hated the housework argument with my ex. I swear he thought there was a cleaning fairy that came while I slept. Now that I live alone I have less to do. I do have someone that comes once a week. I'm sick of mopping the floor!

  30. #40650

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    A house can't stay clean with 3+ children all day. I pick up all day and still, it's not done when they go to bed and that's with Savana and Kai being pretty helpful. I'm fine with doing it all, I can handle it all. But I don't appreciate the remarks. Especially because he has a LOT more leisure time than I do and he uses it to work out, watch movies, sleep.
    I have admitted my shortcomings at housework and keeping up with it all, but it's because I am unorganized, not for laziness. I rarely get to sit and relax, which I'm also fine with because I do look at it as my job and I enjoy it and am grateful that I get to be home with my children.
    BUT, if he sees me struggling, or that something isn't done, help me out! Be a goshdarn FRIEND! Instead he takes it as an opportunity to bash me, which frankly I find apalling! That is why it leaves me speechless sometimes.
    And he can expect the same from me.

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