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Thread: Secular Confessions

  1. #39931
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    Yaknow, if we go by photos, I'd say that I wasn't very liked :-) There are tons and tons and tons of photos of my brother as a baby, and a handful of me. One was a technology issue, the other was that - shall we say that I was rather homely looking, whereas my brother was all chubby and pink with curly hair? But, there might be something to it, that they were not there for a significant chunk of your baby-hood, and you more closely bonded to another mother figure, so you both had some level of ambivalence towards each other.

    I have a quick question for you guys. Do you let your kids lick the bowl/spoon when you're baking, and the stuff has raw eggs in it? I do, and I sometimes feel like maybe I'm endangering her welfare or something. OTOH, I do it all the time, and don't feel at all like I'm taking a risk.

  2. #39932
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    Suja, you have pictures of your baby self on Facebook. "Homely" is not a word that comes to mind. How about adorable?

    And for what it's worth, I regularly licked the spoon when baking growing up. I suppose I could have caught salmonella, but somehow I managed to survive. I would do it with my kids.
    Me (39) DH (46) & furbabies * m/c 7/08 4/12 11/12

  3. #39933

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    I often think about my relationship with my parents. We're not that close but we do get along well most of the time. I just feel like usually there's not much going on in my life that my mom can relate to. Only recently did she stop being practically hostile about my love for NKOTB and actually start talking to me about them-asking me about the shows, telling me when she saw an article in the paper about them, things like that. It's like she finally accepted that it wasn't just some silly thing and that it's really important to me. I just feel this pull towards it. I went to their new album release party a couple nights ago. I wasn't excited about it to be honest, I mean I didn't think it was going to be anything special but in the end I was so happy that I went. They just have this amazing positivity that makes me feel all warm and fuzzy.

    Anyway.

    Most of my family is a professional something or other and I have always felt like the black sheep, not having a career. My uncles are in music, my dad use to own a recording studio, then he was a technical writer, my mom went to school for massage therapy and did that for a while and then she became a realtor and after she decided that infringed on her personal time too much, she was an admin assistant for the company. I just feel like my family thinks I'm, not a failure, but just kind of boring for not doing anything with my life. But then at the same time they question my decisions to go to school or to change careers because they worry about the money or lack thereof. It's like I can't win.

    Anyway, I'm not sure I can even compare my childhood to that of a "normal" family-my mom wasn't even aware that I had spina bifida until I was born and as soon as I was born I was whisked away to Boston for emergency surgery. I just can't imagine having such a huge surprise sprung on me. And I think, what if they'd been poor? No insurance? Not near any good hospitals? How do you make that work? And I can't imagine, even having those luxuries, having to deal with that with no notice. So I tend to give my parents some slack in some of the areas I think they could have handled better.

  4. #39934

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    I just recently read somewhere that not licking the spoon from raw batter was actually more of myth. But who knows where I read it. Could have been The Onion. Just kidding. We are spoon lickers and cookie dough eaters.

    I think I have to agree with the other ladies that I think for some reasons our parents were more guarded with their emotions. I know my parents loved me fiercely but honestly I went through a period where I wasn't even sure my mom liked me. I used to say that to my friends. That I know she loves me because I'm her daughter but that she didn't actually like me as a person. She just seemed pissed off so much of the time. I don't remember her being very affectionate but she showed her love in other more neurotic ways lol. My aunt and I (her sister) were just discussing this weekend how she was very obsessed with us children when we were young adults, to the point that it was not good for her health the way she worried and probed for information. I think we kept things from her because she could be so abrasive and relentless in her opinions, and the more we kept from her, the more she worried and obsessed. Vicious cycle. I think that I truly realized how very much she loves me when I moved to Hawaii and she would ask me every single time I talked to her when I was coming home and people would tell me how all she talked about was how much she missed me. When my brother moved to Hawaii with me for a few months (things didn't work out for him on the island), her and my dad took him to the airport and held each other in the parking ramp, sobbing, for an hour. My mom said it was one of the few times she saw my dad cry.

    Well hello Bridget's therapy session. Dbf is like, "Are you crying???"
    Why yes I am.

  5. #39935
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    Bridget.

    I've actually had to work hard to respect different parenting styles and ways of interacting with children. I see all of you wonderful ladies as models, and I have my own memories and watching my sister and brother parent their children to draw from. I knew intellectually that different groups are different, but coming face to face with certain groups was a growth experience for me. In particular, Native American parents tend not to engage with their children. When they do speak to their children, it tends to be when telling their kids what, or what not, to do. They don't necessarily sit down and play with their kids and actively teach them skills. They also take a very, very laid back approach and tend not to worry much about their kids' development. It's hard for me because the advice I tend to give in terms of how to help their children talk more goes against their whole interactive style. It seems like more often than not, parents will listen respectfully, nod their heads, and walk out the door. Whether they even enroll their kids in the services we offer, much less try out some of the suggestions I make, tends to vary from one parent to the next.

    It's a big contrast to the sterotypical "soccer mom" type who wants their kid in therapy RIGHT NOW because he doesn't say his S perfectly at two years old. I deal with that, too.
    Me (39) DH (46) & furbabies * m/c 7/08 4/12 11/12

  6. #39936

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    That must be very frustrating. But why would people like that bring their kids to you if they're not so concerned with their development?

  7. #39937

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    Oh yeah, and the salmonella in eggs is a very rare thing. I mean people put raw eggs in their shakes sometimes (which I would never do, but still)

  8. #39938
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    Many of the Native American families I see were referred to us by the child's Head Start teacher. I suspect in some cases Head Start flat out tells the parents they need to have their child evaluated, and if they don't they can't keep their child in the program. There is a Head Start on one of the reservations near town.
    Last edited by Gwenn; 04-01-2013 at 07:27 PM.
    Me (39) DH (46) & furbabies * m/c 7/08 4/12 11/12

  9. #39939

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    Ohh. I really admire you for being able to handle this kind of stuff.

  10. #39940
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    Well now that I have outted myself as a lurker and the conversation is about parents I will join in.



    I have been thinking a lot lately about my mom and how I really don't want to be like her as a parent. When the babies were born and Parker was admitted to the NICU she couldn't believe that when I got discharged I didn't just go home. I was a preemie and my mom came every few days to drop off milk and stayed home other than that. I was at Parker's bed up to 13 hours a day. Doing the feedings, changing him, learning his PT and feeding therapy, etc. Cameron stayed with my mom about 6 weeks and since she has come home I see a huge difference in her self esteem. My mom is a harsh person to a little kid. I don't want to be like her at all. But some days I feel like I am closer than I think.

  11. #39941
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    It's a learning process. I'm getting there.

    I guess,the greater point I was making with that was that even though these parents seem disinterested, they (most of them) really love their kids, even if they show it in a very different way. There is always that same small percentage that is abusive or neglectful that you see in any population, of course, but they are the minority.
    Me (39) DH (46) & furbabies * m/c 7/08 4/12 11/12

  12. #39942

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    Quote Originally Posted by Gwenn View Post
    It's a learning process. I'm getting there.

    I guess,the greater point I was making with that was that even though these parents seem disinterested, they (most of them) really love their kids, even if they show it in a very different way. There is always that same small percentage that is abusive or neglectful that you see in any population, of course, but they are the minority.
    Oh yeah, I know what you were saying. I just can't imagine not being totally invested in his development. But at the same time I know he'd probably be just fine if I were less invested. Most things have a way of working themselves out unless it's a serious problem.

    Hi Cama!

    I think we all end up a little like our parents, in some ways. I see my mom in myself sometimes and my dad too. And it's scary. But we do have control of things like how we parent.

  13. #39943
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    Raw cookie dough grosses me out. Absolutely we do not eat it or lick the spoons. In fact, I wash my hands after cracking an egg because I suck and end up getting egg on my hand and the edge of the bowl/counter.


    I had the opposite experience. My parents tried and planned for me and the whole family life was all about me and my sister. Always vacationed as a family, ate dinner as a family, mom was always really involved in our school, they attended our concerts (unless dad had to work as sometimes he was on 2nd or 3rd). My entire life is on film...first few years were on super 8 that they have now converted to DVD. By the time I was about 4, my dad was recording me on VHS. A fairly good amount of pictures of us too. They played with us...especially dad. He used to let us "do" his hair but we couldn't cut it or spray hair stuff in it. He had longer hair so we could braid or put little ponies on him. LOL He used to sit down and race us when we were doing timed practice tests for math.
    Even though there were times when money was tight, we always had clothes that fit and were nice and flattering (maybe not brand name but as much in style as could be). I needed braces, got them. We always had nice rooms that were decorated really cute and matching stuff in them. Probably why I'm so obsessed with having a cute matching nursery.
    I always give my mom a lot of slack....she is really bossy and a my way is the only way kind of person....but I know a lot of that is losing her mom at 13 and pretty much raising my aunt. I think that she wanted to give us what she didn't have (she did when she was little before her mom died).

    That said, even today's moms annoy my overprotective mom. She is a girl scout leader for my cousin and the helicopter drama mammas are driving her nuts. Most of which are not too far off in age from me. The girls in the troop are like 11 yrs old....not like they are first graders.

    Jennifer, 35, DH 36

  14. #39944
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    Quote Originally Posted by CamaLamaMama View Post
    Well now that I have outted myself as a lurker and the conversation is about parents I will join in.



    I have been thinking a lot lately about my mom and how I really don't want to be like her as a parent. When the babies were born and Parker was admitted to the NICU she couldn't believe that when I got discharged I didn't just go home. I was a preemie and my mom came every few days to drop off milk and stayed home other than that. I was at Parker's bed up to 13 hours a day. Doing the feedings, changing him, learning his PT and feeding therapy, etc. Cameron stayed with my mom about 6 weeks and since she has come home I see a huge difference in her self esteem. My mom is a harsh person to a little kid. I don't want to be like her at all. But some days I feel like I am closer than I think.
    I think that would be particularly hard, going through all that with your son and yet knowing your mother didn't do the same for you and didn't understand the choice you made. another generational thing, I am sure, but I know it would hurt.
    Me (39) DH (46) & furbabies * m/c 7/08 4/12 11/12

  15. #39945
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    Quote Originally Posted by daylilies View Post
    Oh yeah, I know what you were saying. I just can't imagine not being totally invested in his development. But at the same time I know he'd probably be just fine if I were less invested. Most things have a way of working themselves out unless it's a serious problem.

    Hi Cama!

    I think we all end up a little like our parents, in some ways. I see my mom in myself sometimes and my dad too. And it's scary. But we do have control of things like how we parent.
    Hi!

    I should probably introduce myself as Rachael for those of you who don't know me/remember me from when I was first on apa.

    I really can't believe how big josh is now!

  16. #39946
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    Do you prefer your real name or your screen name? I know some people don't care, and others are trying to reduce their "googleability."

    and I'm Mandy.
    Me (39) DH (46) & furbabies * m/c 7/08 4/12 11/12

  17. #39947
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    Quote Originally Posted by demigraf View Post
    It just struck me that I might have missed a critical window to bond with my folks. They're nice people, but I don't feel attached in a hugely emotional way. I hope this is making some sort of sense.
    It makes sense to me. I definitely have that sort of feeling with my mother, but with her being psychotic (on and off) throughout the first 13 years of my life, that kinda makes sense.

    With my dad, I felt both distant at times and extremely close (daddy's little girl) at others. He's quiet and reserved and not openly affectionate generally, but as I grew up I learned to recognize he loved us very, very much. I'm sure as much as I love my own kids.

    I will admit that we've done things vastly different with Bobbie and Jesi than we did with Conner so far. A lot of it is the economics have changed drastically, but we've also aged/matured and learned lessons as well. And then there's the whole thing about Conner being a different person. What worked on his sisters doesn't always work with him. I've caught some flak. The older girls especially think we were too hard on them at times. And maybe we were. It wasn't because of lack of love/affection/or bonding on my part though.

    I do think it's normal on some level for parents to love their kids more than kids love their parents. At least after the age of 10 anyway.

    Quote Originally Posted by Suja View Post
    I have a quick question for you guys. Do you let your kids lick the bowl/spoon when you're baking, and the stuff has raw eggs in it? I do, and I sometimes feel like maybe I'm endangering her welfare or something. OTOH, I do it all the time, and don't feel at all like I'm taking a risk.
    did it as a kid, let my girls do it, and still let Conner do it. That's one thing I feel pretty confident saying, "You're perfectly fine! Let her lick the beaters!"

    Quote Originally Posted by Bridget View Post
    Well hello Bridget's therapy session. Dbf is like, "Are you crying???"
    Why yes I am.
    Awww

    Mama to Bobbie 20 ~ Jesi 18 ~ Syd 14 ~ Conner 6
    I'm gonna be a Gramama! Jesi is due 11/22/13


  18. #39948
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    Quote Originally Posted by Gwenn View Post
    Do you prefer your real name or your screen name? I know some people don't care, and others are trying to reduce their "googleability."

    and I'm Mandy.

    Rachael is fine, I see Cama and think of DD.

    Hi Mandy.

  19. #39949
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    How is Parker doing?
    Me (39) DH (46) & furbabies * m/c 7/08 4/12 11/12

  20. #39950

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    Mandy, get that dog some kind of fun training, if he's so driven and smart! You can do anything, and it's a ton of fun for both of you, and great bonding. You could do "hide and seek", frisbee, agility, there are so many things.

    I like big, smart, stubborn, strong willed dogs, too. I love Mals, but have never had one. My favorite dog ever (the one in my avatar picture), and therefore my favorite breed of dog, is an Akita. Gorgeous, smart, strong willed, loyal... What's not to love?

    It makes me sad to hear how many don't have good relationships with their parents... I'm with Jennifer, my parents are amazing and to this day we are very close and I love them dearly, and know they love me. My brother and I, and now Maiya, are spoiled rotten by them. I don't just mean financially, but, for example, when I miscarried and the EDD came and went, my mom was the only one who did anything for it. I didn't ask her to, she just did.

    They both played with us (and now with Maiya) all the time, especially my dad. I have very fond memories of both reading out loud with him (he'd read one page, I'd read the next. We got through a few book series, including the Chronicles of Narnia, that way) and him chasing my brother and I around the house in a completely crazy way. We all laughed so hard! And it's so fun to now watch him chase Maiya around that same house and that same hallway...

    Hi Rachel! Welcome. I'm new here, too, relatively!

    As for raw cookie dough... I've bought in to the belief that as long as the eggs come from a healthy source (pasture raised grass-fed hens) they are healthy, even raw. So, yes, I do let her. Not too much, though, because she just doesn't need that much sugar! To be honest, I do use raw eggs, mostly in making home made mayonaise. Yum!

    Speaking of home made... When my dishes are done in the washer, I'm going to get out my mixing bowl and make a practice batch of cupcakes for Maiya's birthday party this weekend. It will be a first for me- coconut flour, coconut oil, and, what I'm most excited about trying, vanilla beans! I LOVE vanilla bean ice cream, I'm hoping this carries a similar flavor to the cupcakes. There may not be any left for her party, haha.
    Last edited by Krystal5; 04-01-2013 at 11:25 PM.



  21. #39951
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    My a-typical migraine is back. It's something I've had only half a dozen times or so in the last 10 years. It literally feels as if I'm being hit upside the head, but it's on the left side and I only remember ever feeling it on my right. It's not as intense as the first onset was (that came so fast and sudden, I actually lurched forward because it felt so real, like I really was struck on the head with a baseball bat). This is the same sensation, just less intense. It throbs 2-3 times a minute. I have not met a drug that can touch it.

    Mama to Bobbie 20 ~ Jesi 18 ~ Syd 14 ~ Conner 6
    I'm gonna be a Gramama! Jesi is due 11/22/13


  22. #39952

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    No, Chrissy! Migraines are the devil. Can you go home? I always needed a cold pack on mt head and a dark room. Started getting them in 3rd grade.

  23. #39953
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    Oh god no. I have too much work and besides, I'd have to call the transportation office for a ride. Cornell will do that for those of us that commute in on public transportation, but it's still a pain in the butt. I have to be in a ball crying before I'll call them to take me home.

    I have the other kind of migraine too on occasion. The one I call normal. That one I cannot get out of bed. I have to have things pitch black and completely silent. I cry and vomit. What I have now isn't so bad. I'm flinching a lot because it makes my eye twitch but it kinda flickers, then goes away for 30-45 seconds.
    Last edited by missychrissy; 04-02-2013 at 06:16 AM.

    Mama to Bobbie 20 ~ Jesi 18 ~ Syd 14 ~ Conner 6
    I'm gonna be a Gramama! Jesi is due 11/22/13


  24. #39954

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    Yesterday bdf and I were discussing how my housekeeping skills have improved a lot over the past year (ok I was mostly talking about how they have improved but let's not focus on the minor details here).
    Anyway, he agreed after only a small amount of probing from me and decided to talk to me about an area I could improve on. (When will he LEARN??) I make a really big mess when I cook. I do. But I clean it up after, not him, so I'm not sure why he insists on riding me about it. So I cut him off and told him that he has mentioned this to me SEVERAL times and one more time is not necessary. And then he's like, "What if I hire someone to train you (???) to clean up as you go along in the kitchen. Would that help?"
    OMG.
    "No" I said. "What would help is if you HELPED"
    He took that cue to walk out the door to go to the gym lol. So I opened it after him and said, "Tell ya what. You find that service in the yellow pages and see how much it costs and we'll put that money towards hiring someone to just go ahead and clean up after me."
    Lol. The things he says sometimes.....

  25. #39955
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    I don't even know how you can laugh at that. I think I'd have thrown a marble rolling pin at the back of his head. You are a saint, my dear.

    Mama to Bobbie 20 ~ Jesi 18 ~ Syd 14 ~ Conner 6
    I'm gonna be a Gramama! Jesi is due 11/22/13


  26. #39956

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    My mom's mother walked out on her and her sister when she was 2 (her sister was 4). She's never gotten over it really. In turn, it made her into the most amazing mother I could have asked for. She is my best friend and has been nothing but supportive and loving over the years. My dad was a good dad, fairly involved, but he had/has a bad temper and always seems to make a scene. We are close, but I can only take him in limited doses. I'm sorry for all of you who had rough childhoods or ever doubted your parent's love for you. Hugs.

    We are batter eaters here, I love it and have no problem letting my kids lick the spoon/beaters.
    AKA Lisa724

  27. #39957
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    Y'all are making me worry even more that Mira will end up all screwed up! I will admit it, I lose my patience with her ALL the time. And there are lots of times when I'm like 'Can I just get 5 minutes of no drama, so I can go to the bathroom in peace?' (she doesn't like it when I have to use the toilet, and let's face it, I have to, at some point during the day, so there is always drama surrounding that). I love her to pieces, but she's a tough little monster to take care of, and always, always, always less than a foot away from me.

    DH has a business trip coming up, and will be away for 3 weeks. In some ways, life becomes a lot easier when he's not around. I feel bad for Mira though; she misses him terribly, and always wants to say goodnight to him (in person; Facetime doesn't work).

  28. #39958
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    I'm a little behind on the convo, but I've talked briefly in the past about my parents. They loved me, no doubt. Did I *feel* loved? No. I don't know that I could pull half a dozen memories where they made me feel loved. THough, in there defense (er maybe not?), I've blocked most of my childhood. Memories bubble to the surface every so often, not usually good ones.

    I struggle to be as much not like them as possible, but it is just that... a struggle. The love I have for Nolan is more than I could ever imagine them having for me. Though, as grandparents, I see them give Nolan that love. Life experience, regret on how they raised my brother and I most likely.

    Welcome Rachael

    Ugh, migraines. They've been bad for me too lately, they are the worst. All I can take right now is tylenol, which does nothing for them. I need to have my iron checked, that's what normally signals that it is low for me. Chrissy

    Bridget, the patience you must have. Or maybe I am just a really b*tchy wife because if DH isn't helping to clean, he isn't getting fed.

    Things are a little crazy, but I'm loving every minute of it My Blog


  29. #39959

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    SCUBJIA! (Now that I know what it means I have to use it as often as possible.)
    My mom's been here this week and I've had no computer time... but from skimming it looks like some conversations I don't want to miss! I need an hour or so to catch up... maybe tonight. I found myself pretty wiped out last night from the leeching, fell asleep in N's bed with her and staggered out all bleary at midnight to fall into my own bed. Feel fine today, though.
    -- mom to DD1 1/98 and DD2 10/09


  30. #39960

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    Oh Bridget, I make a huge mess when I clean too! I dirty every pan in the house sometimes. But it's all because I make the food that DH gets to eat, so he doesn't complain Maybe point that out next time.

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