Secular Confessions

[pepperlru]

Yeah. The other night dh came home from work (around 8 pm) and was acting grumpy. I asked him what was the matter and he said he wished the house were tidier. He then complained that he feels he can't say what he really thinks about it because I get so "defensive." It sort of devolved from there and he ended up saying a few snarky, meanish things that hurt my feelings (mostly comparing our next door neighbors' cleaning skills and tidy house to mine - ouch). The next day I cleaned the house top to bottom, but I also gave him the cold shoulder for three days. I guess he has to decide if having a clean house was worth me not speaking to him.
Also, after working my butt to the bone that day to clean the entire house, while still taking care of the kids and cooking and missing out on some sleep due to being upset, I've ended up sick. It might just be coincidence, but I'm willing to blame it on him a little bit.

[missychrissy]

Also, after working my butt to the bone that day to clean the entire house, while still taking care of the kids and cooking and missing out on some sleep due to being upset, I've ended up sick. It might just be coincidence, but I'm willing to blame it on him a little bit.

I blame him too. It never ceases to amaze me how out of touch working men are with how much work kids really are.

[Bridget]

That's so not cool! I think you have every right to be defensive. How dare he??? Once dbf said to me that he wished I'd clean for his homecoming the way that I clean for when we have company. I just really wanted to throw something at him when he said that. I absolutely get offended when he complains about my housework. HELP me then! I mean, he knows all I do all day is cook, clean, and take care of the kids. He once said maybe I should start buying more prepackaged meals if the cooking was taking away from my cleaning time. AS IF. Sorry dude, but eating healthy and playing with my kids is more important to me than having a clean house. Of course I like having a clean house too but I will not let it rule my life. The thing is, he is always complaining about the way his mom treated him but yet he boasts about how when he grew up she was an impeccible housekeeper.

[missychrissy]

The thing is, he is always complaining about the way his mom treated him but yet he boasts about how when he grew up she was an impeccible housekeeper.

and yet, he cannot see the irony in that? He cannot have it both ways.

[Bridget]

I'm really freaked out right now. My younger brother (28) called me last week and told me this crazy crazy story and I wasn't sure what to think because he does have a history of making poor choices when it comes to drinking and not being totally honest when it has the potential to make him look bad. He told me he met up with a mutual friend of ours for dinner at a bar. They had dinner together and during that 2 hours he had 3 drinks. He's a big dude, 200lbs so this 3 drinks does not effect his much. He then said goodbye to her and headed home. The next thing he remembers, he is wandering around downtown, blocks from his house, with no keys to his car or home. He calls his ex bf, who picks him up and takes him home where he has to break into his house and then he goes to sleep and gets up the next morning and takes a cab to work, still having no idea what transpired the night before. He gets a phone call around noon from a complete stranger who tells him this:
Him and his 3 friends are stopped at a stoplight next to my brother and when they look over at him he appears to sleeping. So they pull over and go to his car, open the door and start to shake him and yell at him to wake up. He opens his eyes, which are completely glassed over and they tell him they are calling the police and he takes off running. So they park his car in an empty lot, leave him a note chastising him for drunk driving. He meets up with the guy to get his keys and the guy completely chews him out for drunk driving and gives him his keys. My brother calls our friend to see what she felt about the shape he was in when he left the bar and she says it was fine, neither of them were drunk. They discuss the possibility of his getting drugged as they stepped outside to have cigarettes while they were there. He took himself to the hospital for a drug test and he just texted me to say that it came back positive for Rohypnol (I don't know if I spelled that right).
You guys! I'm so upset for him. He could have been killed passing out driving like that. What could have been motive for this? He wasn't robbed or anything. Could it have been meant for her? I just don't get it and it terrifies me that these things happen and that it happened to him. Gah. It's such a scary world sometimes.

[daylilies]

Oh yeah, DH is always trying to compare me to his mom, and I'm like, you hated your mom! you ran away when you were 16! and you want me to be like her? LOL

But since I'm not working and Josh is at school all day I've tried to step up the cleaning. I do a load or two of laundry every day instead of saving it for the weekend and I just try to keep up.

I keep trying to impress upon him that when he's on his deathbed will he be more proud that he had a clean house or a happy family? He doesn't get it.

[daylilies]

OMG! Isn't that drug one of those date rape drugs? That is so scary, I don't know what to make of it.

[daylilies]

How did the guy in the other car get your brother's number?

[Bridget]

That's the first thing I asked! The only thing we can figure is that they got his info off his registration and did some investigating that way. The whole thing is so strange. I just got off the phone with him and he is very upset but mostly about the fact that he thinks it was meant for our friend and he actually left before her, leaving her there alone and how horrible that could have ended had it really been in her drink. It all just gives me such a bad feeling.

[daylilies]

That is so scary. (hugs)

[pepperlru]

That is really scary, Bridget. I'm glad it turned out as well as it did, but it's still kind of terrifying to think what people are willing to do. Good for your brother getting a test so he knows for sure. I'm glad he's okay.

Dh was accidentally roofied once (before we were married). He was with a bunch of friends at a bar, some men and some women, and he took a drink that was meant for one of the women. He didn't know how he got home and he was really sick the next day.

[missychrissy]

That's the first thing I asked! The only thing we can figure is that they got his info off his registration and did some investigating that way. The whole thing is so strange. I just got off the phone with him and he is very upset but mostly about the fact that he thinks it was meant for our friend and he actually left before her, leaving her there alone and how horrible that could have ended had it really been in her drink. It all just gives me such a bad feeling.

I have no doubt it was meant for her. Dear god! And if it effected him like that, imagine what it would have done to her? I take it she had no ill experiences herself then?

I don't know what they used to have available 'back in the day' but from my earliest memories I remember my father stressing to never, ever, NEVER leave your drink on a bar. Ever. Not to go to the bathroom, turn your back to it, or for any reason. It was so ingrained in my head I remember one of the first times I ever went out (I was 19, they didn't card ), I was sitting at a bar-height counter with my friends on each side of me, and facing a row of guys we didn't know. We were all talking and getting along, and the one directly across from me started mindlessly stirring my drink. This was before roofies were talked about (at least in my world) but I immediately flipped and insisted he buy me a new drink. I refused to touch it.

[Gwenn]

OMG, Bridget, that is horrifying! I'm so glad both of them are okay.

[demigraf]

Eeks! Your poor brother. And that is so creepy that there is someone still out there slipping rufies into people's drinks. Are the police involved now? I'm relieved that no one was seriously hurt over this. :/

[raspberry]

Bridget that is scary!! So glad everyone is okay.

Someone posted something on their facebook, Suja I think it was you, about my house being messy is a burglar alarm. My house is well equipped ;) The thing is, if I lived alone my house would be much cleaner. But I love being a wife and mommy, and I don't obsess over a clean house. I play with my kid. My paternal grandmother had an immaculate house, you could literally eat off her floor, but she was a mean and nasty person. She judged people by how clean their house was. Seriously. My mother was disorganized and messy, but she was a sweetheart, a true blue friend. I go with the motto only boring people have clean houses. Saying that I am off to clean the house because a friend of mine is coming to stay with us for a few days. Happy Weekend to all!!!!

[missychrissy]

Bridget that is scary!! So glad everyone is okay.

Someone posted something on their facebook, Suja I think it was you, about my house being messy is a burglar alarm. My house is well equipped ;) The thing is, if I lived alone my house would be much cleaner. But I love being a wife and mommy, and I don't obsess over a clean house. I play with my kid. My paternal grandmother had an immaculate house, you could literally eat off her floor, but she was a mean and nasty person. She judged people by how clean their house was. Seriously. My mother was disorganized and messy, but she was a sweetheart, a true blue friend. I go with the motto only boring people have clean houses. Saying that I am off to clean the house because a friend of mine is coming to stay with us for a few days. Happy Weekend to all!!!!

You're a trip!!

It's a generalization, but I think there's so truth in that. Most people I know of with the cleanest houses, especially if they have kids there at all, seem to be nastier. Or, if not nastier, then definitely a lot less fun. As with anything, there's a balance.

I'm really having an awful time-fighting with everyone. Rich & I had a great couple days. And now we're arguing again and both of us have been nastier to each other than we have in a long time. It's like, because we got 'close' on one level, we both got scared and we're going to 'fix' that and make ourselves angry at the other again. Or something. I don't know but Im really having a hard time with it.

And I just lit into Bobbie. She's been slacking on the dishes for two weeks and I haven't said anything. She's let them go 3 and 4 days before doing them. it annoys me, but work is so chaotic the last thing I was to do is get into it with her. I just want to come home and freaking relax. So today there wasn't even a bowl for me to give Conner cereal in and two weeks worth of annoyance simply erupted. She was sick yesterday, and probably still is. But if she'd been doing them all along missing a day wouldn't have been a big deal at all. She's out there crying and doing them now. I feel like crap but at the same time...this is the ONLY thing I ask her to do. She still doesn't have a job. Must I really kill myself all day at work and come home and take care of her too while she's been doing nothing but reading, writing, playing on the computer and watching tv all day long?

[Suja]

That's SO scary, Bridget! Glad he is okay, though.

I haven't really seen any correlation between neatness and nicety. I have by far the messiest house of anyone I know, and probably the least pleasant personality too. My cousins have immaculate houses. You can probably eat off their floors, and they still manage to cook at least 3 meals a day (and separate meals for each member of the family), drive their kids everywhere, plan great vacations, throw great parties, etc. I think the big difference is that they care, and well, I don't care enough to put in that kind of effort.

[missychrissy]

Suja! Gotta love your honesty.

Sometimes I definitely feel like I have the least pleasant personality of anyone I know irl. And I don't really care either. I have a low tolerance for bull**** and a hard time keeping from calling people out on it. I exclude myself from a lot of people, even close family members, because I simply cannot deal with drama. Sometimes I'm forced to cross paths with them and I can generally keep my mouth shut...until something like learning about my grandfather's death on Facebook happens.

[AmeriBrit]

Man, Bridget, that is so scary! He must be so shaken up!

[daylilies]

Chrissy-what is the saying--well behaved women rarely make history?

[missychrissy]

Chrissy-what is the saying--well behaved women rarely make history?

I love that saying!!! Our APA friend KimJ (not sure if she's ever around any more) had it in her email siggy at work one time.

[Cosmosmom]

Yikes Bridget! that is super scary. I mean the obvious thought is that it was meant for her...but any chance maybe he was the target?

I wil say that both my mom and MIL keep a pretty clean house. My mom did stay at home when were little and it was clean even with two kids. We did have to help with it. And both are pretty good moms and nice ladies.
I don't have a kid of course but generally our house is clean. I mean for company we usually do a quick dust, vacuum, clean the toilets and sink (I'm bad about hairspray in the bathroom). But DH and I are both pretty type A personalities and like things really organized. Especially DH gets highly stressed with a messy kitchen. And I just enjoy organizing most of the time. I think we are mostly pretty nice.

It definitely makes a HUGE difference though if the DH helps clean. We generally clean together and if something is bugging him, he will just take care of it. If anything, he probably cleans more than I do. I do the cooking and laundry.

[AmeriBrit]

I am not a person who keeps my house mega clean...I just don't have the time or energy. My MIL and SIL both keep their houses as clean as hospitals and put me to shame, but I just am not in to scrubbing toilets and floors like they are. I really would like to hire a cleaner to come in once a month and DH says that once I'm making a good salary again that we'll look in to hiring someone. The one bit of cleaning that I do do is ironing. I can iron with the best of them!

[pepperlru]

My house is generally clean, but cluttered. I like a clean kitchen to cook in and clean bathrooms, but I don't have a problem with N's toys or books around, my sewing stuff out or folded laundry on the sofa. Our surfaces - side tables, dining table, bureaus - will usually have stuff on them too. I'm not very organized, I'm home all day doing crafts and puzzles with N, and I have a lot of interests and hobbies. I'm one of those people who finds it easier to keep track of stuff when I can see it. Dh is sort of the opposite -- I've never seen him scrub a toilet, but he gets really annoyed at, say, a folded basket of clean laundry that is not put away. That's how we clash. I honestly would really like to be more organized and I'm always trying to get rid of clutter, but I'm not as successful as I'd like because for me it takes a lot of effort. I am a pretty nice person, though, so if you come to my home it will not look like a showroom, but you'll get good food and a comfortable place to talk and be cozy.

My next door neighbors are the nicest people you could ever meet, though, and their house DOES look like a showroom. It always looks like an open house that someone is trying to sell. Plants in pretty pots, a vase here and there, perfectly organized glass jars of spices in complementary colors, but no personal items at all. Very minimal furniture and kitchen items. Last time we were over there, I wanted to ask her "Where is all your STUFF?" She's already told me that she's pretty neurotic about keeping her house clean. Her kids' rooms look like pictures out of the Pottery Barn catalog. I won't even let her see my teenager's room, it's such a disaster. They are really involved with their kids, too -- but both she and her dh work from home, and they seem to have boundless energy. I always tell dh that I don't know how they do it -- which I don't! -- but that was what led to him making a snarky comment about how "you seem to think they're superhuman just because they manage to keep their house clean." That was what led to the cold shoulder.

[Cosmosmom]

Oh yeah a basket of folded laundry sitting around drives my DH crazy. I sometimes leave it out on purpose. Dog toys used to really annoy him but he's gotten to where he can handle one or two on the floor in every room. He cannot deal with it when I dump their whole toy basket (they have a lot of toys) in the middle of the floor. They love it....he doesn't.
What is bad is we usually have at least some dog hair floating around...why we like to vacuum and swiffer before company arrives. Especially since my kitchen floor is dark and my girls have a lot of white hair.

I have said to DH before when he was complaining about my not doing something right enough or fast enough for his tastes....what is wrong with you, you have two broken arms? Or he has said that to me if I was getting on his case for not doing something....when I could have just done it myself.

It is definitely tricky to figure out who does what and when and make sure everyone has a good balance of chores vs relaxation time. We fought a lot when first married! And when we brought home a new puppy.

[Krystal5]

My house is usually a totally disorganized mess. I'm a natural born pack rat, but hate clutter. So, I spend my life both accumulating and discarding stuff. I live in a very small house right now, and I find it makes me want to throw everything away. Including the TV! And yet, somehow, I keep getting more and more and more STUFF. So depending on what's been going on, sometimes my house looks not too bad, but most of the time it's very cluttered.

As for keeping it clean... I try, but I spend a lot more time with Maiya, reading, playing, telling stories, and going out. We're not home very often, and yet somehow we have time to make it a mess, but not as much time to clean up! I keep up on the dishes on laundry, but the rest of it, well... One good thing about having a kid is that we are in a playgroup, and we take turns with who hosts. So, at least I do a very thorough cleaning before and after every time I host!

Bridget, that is really scary... I've heard about such things, but never directly. Makes me sad to know that this kind of stuff really happens... I mean, I've always known it really does, but this just makes it seem more real!

So, I've finally decided on birthday plans! We will do a small party on the weekend after her birthday, and then a large invite-everyone picnic potluck dinner / camping night sometime over the summer (could be as early as May or as late as September, or anywhere in between, not sure yet...). The funny thing is that, after all this back and forth with the weather, that weekend, 4/7, was looking awful the entire time. About 60, cloudy, and rainy. Yesterday, right after I set the plans, the forecast changed to 76 and mostly sunny!

4/6 is now forecast for 78 and brilliant sunshine... I should have done that day! Ah well, 76 and mostly sunny isn't bad. And it's so volatile, I can't rely on it, anyway. I'm just glad to have something decided!!

Watching Les Miserables now... Hubby is so sweet, he's very sensitive!

[missychrissy]

I don't know how to describe my house...for you newbies, I moved out into a slum apartment in May of last year. It's likely not even legal on many, many levels but I just wanted out. There aren't any bugs running around, but I did have a squirrel poke through my ceiling in my living room. I'm hoping to find a better place this summer.

So my actual stuff is nice, but my apartment is definitely low par. It's the lowest I could stand living in, but I'd be too humiliated to invite you all here. I mean, I'd do it but it would definitely be uncomfortable for me to have you see it. I do not like clutter. I do not buy things to 'set out' and look at because I positively HATE dusting. I call that sort of thing "dust collectors" and I hate them. I have very, very few meaningful trinkets here and there. Currently I have nothing hanging on my walls. I have no style, but also my roof leaks so bad that water pours down most walls when it rains hard. So I don't even have pics of the kids up or anything. But me, I don't mind...I'm not into deco at all.

The predominate theme in my living room is geek. I have 4 computers (2 desktops and 2 laptops) and 2 or 3 tablets (1 cheapie for Conner, a Kindle Fire and iPad) plus a large flat screen tv in my very tiny living room. Bobbie pointed out that you can tell a geek lives here because my Scentsy warmer and few little knickknacks are hiding behind all my computers. They're in a neat L-shaped row in my living room.

If you go in my bedroom during the week, there's a 50% chance my bed won't be made and I'll have two pairs of jeans folded on the floor. They're what I wore once but I'm not ready to wash. I wear them 2-3 times before washing, but won't put them back in with the clean ones after I wear them. There may also be a pair of dirty socks...I'm not sure why, but I have a hard time getting them into the dirty clothes hamper. I pull them off before climbing in bed and forget about them till the next day. You may find a used towel on my bathroom floor. It might sit there for 2 days before I toss it in the hamper. The top of my fridge it stacked with things I don't know what to do with. Conner's and Syd's school pics. My checks. Cereal boxes and bagels (I lack cupboard and counter space). I have 3 pair of shoes along the walls in my living room right now. Conner has his cup by his computer that he used all day. I'll either pick it up when I go to bed, or in the morning. I need to sweep...it'll be done (and steamed) before the end of the day tomorrow though since I do at least one thorough scrubbing every week and it's almost always on Sunday. While I scrub nearly every room and dust all my electronics every week, my tv and the stand in my bedroom are sadly neglected. I only see it when I'm busy and then forget somehow when I'm cleaning my room.

My oldest daughter's bedroom looks like she's auditioning for hoarders. Syd's room is empty. She has a huge dresser and her bed in there and that's about it. In one corner is Conner's no longer used toddler bed and toy box full of dinosaurs.

[Bridget]

I never make my bed!
I do clean the house completely every day in my new quest for organization but usually by the time one room is clean, the next one is already being messy. It's great that my kids are old enough to start being legitimately helpful now. I pay them each $7 a week if they help me every time I ask (with no moaning and groaning). I look at it as they are actually normally cleaning up after other children as well since we have playmates every day. I tell them it's "our" school, and that I get paid to take care of and teach these children as well as keep a clean house so if they help me with that, I pay them as well. It's "our" business. The next step is to actually make a budget with the money "we" make welcoming other people into our school. Savana is really into it and has taken on a teacher role and makes worksheets for kids all the time.

However, I do have too much. Like you, Crystal, I am always accumulating and getting rid of stuff. I strive to be a minmalist but also can't pass up cool stuff at goodwill so my goal has not been met. MIL will be coming in a few weeks and i'm sure will make me very self concious about my house, as always. I let it be messy sometimes, including crumbs on the kitchen floor, until the kids go to bed. It's clique, but I am perfectly happy to put down my cleaning to read a story.

[3andMe]

I never make my bed until right before I get in it (and then it's just straightening out the covers so they actually cover me). Partially because DH is always in it for hours after I leave it and he doesn't make it, and partially because I have never gotten in the habit and have a hard time starting.

I also have not found a correlation between a clean house and a kind personality. I have met both really nice and really not nice people with clean and dirty houses. It does not bother me when people have messy or cluttery houses. It does bother me a bit when people assume that people with clean houses must not take care of their children. I keep a fairly clean and minimalist house, but I tend to dislike clutter and I have some pretty good systems for dealing with it. On the other hand, there are areas, like the really beautiful built-in next to our fireplace, that my DH has taken over with his stuff, that I am not really allowed to clean out. After a while, clutter accumulates and I almost stop seeing it after a while until it reaches critical mass or I look at it with new eyes. There are other areas, like the top of our fridge (a place the kids can't reach), and a couple of closets and the filing cabinet next to our computer that are kind of messy.

I just can't go to bed until the dishes are washed, except for that one day last week. The living room gets Roomba'd every night. I sweep and mop the kitchen and bathrooms twice a week on schedule and whisk broom as needed. I wipe off the table and counters after every meal and as needed. The kids pick up toys before we go out and before bed, and put away games before choosing new ones. There are areas of extreme dustiness, though, because I don't dust, and I'm not great about washing my curtains because they're such a pain to take down and put up. I hardly ever clean or sweep in my bedroom. I feel like I just get more and more behind every time I have a major task, like taxes.

I don't feel like my house looks that great, though, because it's been so baby-proofed over the years, and I am in this constant battle with DH over getting rid of stuff (me) and accumulating stuff (him, and all the people that constantly give us stuff) and displaying stuff (the kids want to tape up everything they ever do, which wouldn't be unreasonable except that between them they produce about 50 new pieces of art a day). I was a little shocked the other day when another mom from my kids' class came over and asked if I had a housekeeper. I think it's just easier to have a place for everything.

------------

Bridget, how is your brother doing now? I'm so sorry and appalled to hear about this.

[demigraf]

Chrissy, I have a pile (and separate drawer too) of "wear-again" clothes like you! Something will sometimes sit there a couple months before I wear it again. DH wears something out to dinner once, and it's in the hamper.

Bridget, I'm so glad to hear you pay your littles for chores and will work on budgeting with them. I had the same thing in mind. Now I feel so validated.