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Thread: Secular Confessions

  1. #38071

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    Quote Originally Posted by Bridget View Post
    Public tantrums suck really bad. Lately Sawyer has been SO loud. Last night we went out for sushi and he was crazy loud at the restaurant. Luckily we were early enough that not many people were there and the waitresses LOVE him. It's the only place we eat here in town so they see us about once a month. Everytime we are there the two japanese girls who are the owner's daughters try to get him to come to them. He won't but he loves the attention. Last night though, the one said, "Come on baby. Come to me. I have candy." Savana said, "We are supposed to run if anyone ever says that to us!" lol. I was like yeah, please don't say that!
    That's hilarious! I love sushi restaurant ladies (owners, waitresses, etc). It's come to where if they don't fawn all over Bodhi, I'm tempted to give them a bad Yelp review. LOL!

    Suja, I humbly propose that you steel yourself for at least one more public tantrum from Mira in the future. ;)

  2. #38072
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    Quote Originally Posted by Bridget View Post
    First and last public tantrum?? If that's true, you have a doll of child, my friend!
    That's what I was thinking! LOL.

    The chat in here about the crushes has been interesting. I am so boring when it comes to those types of things. DH is the only person I've ever been in a relationship with, so I feel like I'm such a dork compared to everyone else in the world who has had lots of boyfriends. The one and only time I'd say I've ever had a crush on anyone other than him was a guy at work who looked a lot like him. He was also called Rich, which I thought was cute. He worked in a different department than I did (this was back in my office days) and we'd have meetings every now and then to plan the distribution of certain books, etc, and every time I felt like I was bright red because he was so nice looking and charming. One day I went in to work and people were whispering. Then I heard someone say that they had heard that someone by the same name of this guy had died in France while trying to walk to their hotel from a bar. It turned out to be the guy we worked with. He went on vacation to France with a friend and both he and his friend were trying to take a short cut to their hotel from the bar after they had been drinking and they fell off a cliff and died. I remember feeling so sick to my stomach. I had to get up and leave my desk. I actually went over to tell my husband (we worked at the same office at the time) and he had to calm me down. He knew that I thought highly of the other Rich.

    I can't imagine ever feeling the way I do about my Rich for anyone else. He is the best person I have ever known. He sometimes lacks in the romance department, but when I give him a little nudge, he steps up. Everyone who meets him loves him. My own parents seem to love him more than they do me! My mother is always going on about how good he is. And I don't blame her!

  3. #38073
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    Oh, and welcome to Pepperlu and Krystal5! I've seen you guys posting around on APA, so I know you're not newbies, but welcome to the gang, y'all!

    Myles, I think your plan of letting the company pay for you having another baby is just what I would do; well, it is what I did with both my boys! Your e-mail response sounds diplomatic enough.

  4. #38074
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    Quote Originally Posted by Bridget View Post
    First and last public tantrum?? If that's true, you have a doll of child, my friend!
    She's usually very good in public (normally saves tantrums for home), as long as she's not hungry or tired, both of which are easily solved problems. That's why yesterday took me so by surprise - she had napped in school, and she drank all her milk on the way to TJs. I don't know if this will be her last public tantrum, but I hope so, because I was mortified by how she acted.

    One of my problems is that while I have a slow fuse, once I get to the boiling point, it is very, very hard for me to come back down. I tend to brood, and withdraw, which is not really a good thing when one has a toddler. Mira especially is very sensitive to my mood, and I could tell yesterday that she was very confused and upset that I wasn't back to my chipper self once she was done screaming. Although I put in an effort to act happy, I really was not, until this morning, and she'd check in with me from time to time, to see if I was okay. It's a pretty big burden on a little kid.

    Myles, I know that I have control freaky tendencies, with myself mostly. My friends so badly want to see me drunk, but they know it won't happen, because I won't allow myself to lose control that way. And I'm kind of like your DH, in that I do the 'you really outght to know better' thing. It isn't that I don't know she's not even 3 yet, but that I have really high standards for how I expect her to behave, and with Mira at least, I've found that cutting her some slack often leads to bigger problems down the road. For instance, she has been giving DH lip in the last couple of weeks, then has been giving me some attitude, and trying to play us against each other, in some small ways, which, gone mostly unchecked, has likely escalated to her behavior in the last couple of days. So, while I'd like to be a little more relaxed with her, I feel like I can't, or we'd be picking up the pieces later. The good thing though is that DH is a 'suckerdad', so while I'm kind of strict and authoritarian, he's a total pushover, and between the two of us, we're hopefully not screwing her up too badly (she'll likely tell her future shrink that it was confusing because we're such different people, but whatever).

  5. #38075
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    Also, glad to have you on board, Janet and Gretchen.

    Gretchen, I really got a huge laugh out of a 'wilted eggplant' comment you made, referring to your boobs, a long time ago, and that's kind of what pops into my head when I see you post (sorry!).

    ETA: Myles, your response sounds perfect. She might turn out to not be a dangler. We can only hope.
    Last edited by Suja; 01-24-2013 at 01:23 PM.

  6. #38076

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    Now we just have to come up with a proper hazing ritual for Janet and Gretchen.

  7. #38077
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    Quote Originally Posted by demigraf View Post
    Now we just have to come up with a proper hazing ritual for Janet and Gretchen.
    They must dance naked by the moonlight in the snow! Oh, wait...do you guys get snow out that way?

  8. #38078
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    Quote Originally Posted by Bridget View Post
    First and last public tantrum?? If that's true, you have a doll of child, my friend!
    I cannot recall Bobbie ever having a public temper tantrum. Not one. Jesi did have one. Only one. I remember clearly that she wanted these horses so bad (she was 3 and always and still does love horses). I didn't have the money to buy them and said no. Neither Bobbie or Jesi often got stuff for the same reason, so it's not like it was the first time. But she so desperately wanted them she pitched a full fledged screaming fit on the supermarket floor. I picked her up, left the cart, marched out of the store and had to physically hold her in her seat while strapping her in. She's kicking, screaming, and hitting me the entire time. When she calmed down, I told her she'd never get those horses simply because of the way she'd acted when I said no. I told her if she'd been polite about it, there was a possibility she could have gotten them when I later had the money to do so. That was the only public tantrum she ever had...so it is possible.

    Incidentally, she was 12 and we happened across the same horse set in another store. She even picked them up to admire them and I said, "They're the horses you threw that temper tantrum over. I never bought them for you because of the fit you threw." We both laugh about that now.

    Now Sydney? She regularly had public temper tantrums and the threat of never getting that toy she had a fit over didn't work. She'd still try it each and every time. I even got to where I wouldn't bring her with me to the store, but she'd invariably end up having another temper public tantrum. And Conner is even worse. He's the only 1 of 4 that actually threw something (a french fry I think?) in a restaurant and hit another customer. Talk about mortified.

    Quote Originally Posted by demigraf View Post
    Well, hello, there, Gretchen! So happy to see you in here. No, I don’t think it’s silly at all that you fantasize about an attentive doctor. I think I’d be hurt if my hubby didn’t appear concerned about my illness. Could it be, though, that yours is just super-freaked out about it? I have to confess that I haven’t become as involved in the minutiae of my father’s Parkinson’s as I could – well, partly because my mom & sister have their hands all over that pudding , but also - because an avoidance mechanism has kicked in, where I don’t like to think about his suffering and diminishing health. And if I had a big project, it’d be almost a comfort for me to be able to hide in it. When it comes to talking about the disease with my dad, sometimes I stupidly don’t know what to say. I don’t want to sound chipper in any hollow kind of way, but I also don’t want to sound gloomy either. However, if my dad were to say to me, “it hurts that you don’t appear to care enough about my illness to learn about it, to share my worries with me”, I’d sit up and step up my game. Maybe you should tell your hubby how his disengagement makes you feel?
    As an aside: I’m mad at my iPhone because I’d originally spelled the word “spackle” and it dinged the word as wrong. And when I changed it to “spackel”, it didn’t ding me. I now see the first spelling was correct. Fargin’ Autocorrect!

    Bridget, I’m so sorry that M keeps playing that same game over and over with you. Ugh. I can sort of relate. DH & I never quite see eye-to-eye on how much slack/benefit of the doubt we should cut Bodhi, and it always makes me sad if he talks to Bodhi in the “you should’ve known better tone” because no, our child who just got out of diapers really can’t be expected to know better. Perhaps his job will be a good long-term situation in which to ride out your small children’s childhoods with little of his interference. I just have to wonder what M thinks is a good father, and if he thinks he’s living up to his own expectations of himself. Part of my DHs’ shortcomings as a father (IMO) is that he came from such a stern dad, that he thinks he needs to exercise the same amount of control over B, even though he acknowledges that his dad is an a-hole today and he doesn’t want to end up like him. So even when DH is being kind of a dill towards Bodhi, it’s all in the name of being a good dad. Is it like that with M?



    LOL, Suja. I love your no-nonsense self, so don’t go changin’ things up now. (Although I do enjoy the vision of you getting a schoolgirl crush on someone who reduces you to putty, simply because you’re so no-nonsense.)



    Women who flirt tend to be able to pull it off more playfully. Don’t know exactly why. The only parallel I can come up with at this time is the difference between a male strip club and a female strip club. For my sister’s bachelorette party, we went to a strip club in Vegas that was female strippers on the ground floor and “Magic Mike” action for the ladies upstairs. When we had to walk through the first floor to get upstairs, the men in the audience made me totally uncomfortable. They were quiet, looking like they were “trying to play it cool”, and staring at the women like they were trying to will them to go home with them. The women upstairs were just silly and laughing, shrieking like little girls. There are exceptions, of course, and I’m not saying that men are morally inferior to women, but I dunno. Different wiring just makes me less likely to trust a guy if he’s openly flirting with me. In my mind, I guess I think either a) he’s just a flirt and does that with everyone, so why be flattered by it? or b) he’s overtly flirting with me because he likes me, even though he knows I’m attached and ewwww.
    To your second point, I agree that people can get swept away by affairs. People make regrettable mistakes, and cheating doesn’t automatically make them bad people. If your relationship wasn't in a good place at all and hadn't been for quite a long time, though, one would ideally hope that you put the effort into fixing it, confirmed once and for all it was over and initiated a separation before embarking on a relationship with another person. I think it’s not too much to ask for a spouse to have that much self-discipline. At least, that’s what DH & I have agreed on as our exit strategy if it ever came to that. But I get it. Stuff happens. I guess if it gets to the point that stuff happened, it all boils down to what you do to self-correct once the damage has been done, how long you’re willing to carry on a lie, how honest you are with yourself about the people you’re hurting, how much you’re willing to apologize and face the hurt you caused before getting defensive about it. The two recent cheaters I’ve known personally (my sister, and my DH’s brother’s ex-wife) were horrible, self-righteous liars who blamed their spouses for forcing them into their situations, so I’m not in the best place to speak objectively about people who might be perfectly nice folks who just happen to cheat.
    I love your perspective. And I get it. I'm not sure there's quite the category of "perfectly nice folks who just happen to cheat" though. lol As much as I try to remain open minded, I admit to feeling a little less kind than that about anyone that ends up cheating.

    Mama to Bobbie 20 ~ Jesi 18 ~ Syd 14 ~ Conner 6
    I'm gonna be a Gramama! Jesi is due 11/22/13


  9. #38079
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    Quote Originally Posted by Suja View Post
    The good thing though is that DH is a 'suckerdad', so while I'm kind of strict and authoritarian, he's a total pushover, and between the two of us, we're hopefully not screwing her up too badly (she'll likely tell her future shrink that it was confusing because we're such different people, but whatever).
    I'm sure she's gonna be fine. Most couples have one that's 'stricter' and one that's more relaxed. With most kids, it ends up working out just fine. As long as you and your dh can find a common middle ground for the most significant things.

    Mama to Bobbie 20 ~ Jesi 18 ~ Syd 14 ~ Conner 6
    I'm gonna be a Gramama! Jesi is due 11/22/13


  10. #38080
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    Haha, we don't even really have that much snow in northern WI! I mean I can see grass in a lot of my yard right now. Cold we do have though!

    And maybe you will get lucky with Mira. According to my mom, we never did that in public. I heard I tried it once at home and it got me nowhere so I didn't full out tantrum ever again. I personally think that it is good to have high standards and expectations....people, even little ones often give you what you expect out of them. Not always of course. I really dislike naughty kids in public but only shoot dirty looks to the parents who do absolutely nothing....as in totally ignore that their kid keeps pushing my chair or is screaming or whatever. If the parent is trying something...anything at all to remove the child or stop the child or calm the child....those get my sympathy.

    Of course my child will be perfect.

    Jennifer, 35, DH 36

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    Quote Originally Posted by Cosmosmom View Post
    Of course my child will be perfect.
    I think we all thought that....


    I will say, I've had occasion to absolutely ignore my kids in public when they weren't behaving at their best. I wouldn't if they were purposefully knocking their chair into someone, obviously, but depending on the situation sometimes ignoring the negative behavior has a better outcome than jumping at it right away.

    There was a post floating around FB this week that lots of moms shared about "please don't help my child..." climb the slide at the park and stuff like that. Syd especially could be a bit whiney/temperamental in those situations. I would 'ignore' her (keeping an eye out for safety, of course) and give her an opportunity to disentangle herself, climb the slide, or pick herself up out of the mud before rushing right over. I think if I leapt as soon as she had a melt-down, I'd still be doing it at 14.

    Mama to Bobbie 20 ~ Jesi 18 ~ Syd 14 ~ Conner 6
    I'm gonna be a Gramama! Jesi is due 11/22/13


  12. #38082
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    Oh I could see that Chrissy. I'm talking about all full out awful behavior that has been going on a couple of minutes. And it's disrupting others. at least they should try telling the kid to stop it and if not, remove them (for some reason I see this the most at restaurants). At the very very least...they should at least look like they feel bad their kid is disrupting others.
    I don't do much hanging in parks or places these days that attract a lot of kids....but if I did, I would expect to see more of it there. But yeah I have a problem if I am spending $30 a person for dinner and the kid behind me is pulling my hair or rocking his chair into mine. And we don't even really go out to eat that often....and both happened to me in 2012.

    Jennifer, 35, DH 36

  13. #38083
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    Mylah, if you can get a benefitted position with your current employer without losing much take-home pay, I say LEAP at the chance. Your reply sounds great. And the company is a great place to work. What a great opportunity!

    I feel like the Bay Area APAers are just taking over, now. The rest of you have to move out here. We'll just keep talking about the sunshine, going for walks on the beach in January, hikes in the hills in February, feeding farm animals in March, parties and playdates in April, meeting up with Mylah in May, joining together to see Janet in June, group camping trips, etc.

    Actually, as DH and I were driving home from Bodhi's birthday across the Bay Bridge, we both felt sweetly reminiscent, thinking that this was something that we'd done the year before, and might be something we'd do the next year, and it was really nice to feel like we were taking part in what might be an annual tradition that our children would remember as part of their childhoods.

    ---

    My twins never had tantrums. Well, DD had one tantrum that I can remember. DS didn't have any. S has them a lot. My mom thinks he just has to stand out from the crowd, but he has been louder since the day he was born. He's way more emotional than they are, too. I handle him the same way, but he just flips out and there is no controlling him.


  14. #38084

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    All of you people who say your children don't have tantrums are LIARS. lol! I don't even know what to say about that but seriously? Not even when they were 2 and trying to figure out how to communicate with you? All mine have had loads of tantrums and Sawyer has usually one a day when I have to say no to him. Also I am sure my kids have been annoying in public but I've never had someone give me dirty looks. I usually get kinds smiles when they are being cute and understanding looks when they are being crazy.

    Oh and I'm currently sorta kinda eating my words since dbf just told me they want him to do a 20 day trip. oh lol story of my life.

  15. #38085

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    Quote Originally Posted by demigraf View Post
    Katy, totally read it. Sounds like it was exciting (ETA: and perfectly innocent!), and I loved the language you used to describe it.
    I actually found it to be deeply distressing and upsetting, not exciting or fun in the least. But I chose not to act on anything so it eventually went away. I also allowed myself to really think about how much I disliked him and nurtured that as a way to reinforce my non-action. (sorry, I posted something last night that I didn't feel comfortable leaving up so most everyone missed it!)

    "Any idiot can face a crisis; it is this day-to-day living that wears you out." -Anton Chekhov


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    Quote Originally Posted by AmeriBrit View Post
    That's what I was thinking! LOL.

    The chat in here about the crushes has been interesting. I am so boring when it comes to those types of things. DH is the only person I've ever been in a relationship with, so I feel like I'm such a dork compared to everyone else in the world who has had lots of boyfriends. The one and only time I'd say I've ever had a crush on anyone other than him was a guy at work who looked a lot like him. He was also called Rich, which I thought was cute. He worked in a different department than I did (this was back in my office days) and we'd have meetings every now and then to plan the distribution of certain books, etc, and every time I felt like I was bright red because he was so nice looking and charming. One day I went in to work and people were whispering. Then I heard someone say that they had heard that someone by the same name of this guy had died in France while trying to walk to their hotel from a bar. It turned out to be the guy we worked with. He went on vacation to France with a friend and both he and his friend were trying to take a short cut to their hotel from the bar after they had been drinking and they fell off a cliff and died. I remember feeling so sick to my stomach. I had to get up and leave my desk. I actually went over to tell my husband (we worked at the same office at the time) and he had to calm me down. He knew that I thought highly of the other Rich.

    I can't imagine ever feeling the way I do about my Rich for anyone else. He is the best person I have ever known. He sometimes lacks in the romance department, but when I give him a little nudge, he steps up. Everyone who meets him loves him. My own parents seem to love him more than they do me! My mother is always going on about how good he is. And I don't blame her!
    That's awful about the other Rich. Something similar happened here to a fiance of a graduate student. He came to celebrate his fiancee's graduation or finishing up of something big. He'd had some to drink and tripped on a pot-hole in one of our trails that borders a gorge. As un-luck would have it, the fence that lined the gorge edge hadn't been repaired in years (some claim decades) and it was rusted and simply gave way with the weight of his body.

    Quote Originally Posted by 3andMe View Post
    Mylah, if you can get a benefitted position with your current employer without losing much take-home pay, I say LEAP at the chance. Your reply sounds great. And the company is a great place to work. What a great opportunity!

    I feel like the Bay Area APAers are just taking over, now. The rest of you have to move out here. We'll just keep talking about the sunshine, going for walks on the beach in January, hikes in the hills in February, feeding farm animals in March, parties and playdates in April, meeting up with Mylah in May, joining together to see Janet in June, group camping trips, etc.

    Actually, as DH and I were driving home from Bodhi's birthday across the Bay Bridge, we both felt sweetly reminiscent, thinking that this was something that we'd done the year before, and might be something we'd do the next year, and it was really nice to feel like we were taking part in what might be an annual tradition that our children would remember as part of their childhoods.

    ---

    My twins never had tantrums. Well, DD had one tantrum that I can remember. DS didn't have any. S has them a lot. My mom thinks he just has to stand out from the crowd, but he has been louder since the day he was born. He's way more emotional than they are, too. I handle him the same way, but he just flips out and there is no controlling him.
    How the heck did I miss the post about your opportunity Myles? I try so hard to stay up with everything, especially the important stuff like that. I agree with L anyway. Luck!!!

    Your plan for all of us to move out there and join your yearly tradition (yes, I'm inviting myself along) sounds like heaven to me!

    This might sound awful, but there a part of me that was pleased to read about S. I swear Rich & I applied the same rules/attitudes to all our kids, but with varying results. I have ruminated from time to time, especially when Conner is still having temper tantrums at 6 (less frequently, thank goodness!) and I've wondered what I did wrong.

    Mama to Bobbie 20 ~ Jesi 18 ~ Syd 14 ~ Conner 6
    I'm gonna be a Gramama! Jesi is due 11/22/13


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    Quote Originally Posted by Bridget View Post
    All of you people who say your children don't have tantrums are LIARS. lol! I don't even know what to say about that but seriously? Not even when they were 2 and trying to figure out how to communicate with you? All mine have had loads of tantrums and Sawyer has usually one a day when I have to say no to him. Also I am sure my kids have been annoying in public but I've never had someone give me dirty looks. I usually get kinds smiles when they are being cute and understanding looks when they are being crazy.

    Oh and I'm currently sorta kinda eating my words since dbf just told me they want him to do a 20 day trip. oh lol story of my life.
    Am not!! Sorry B...would it help if I told you that while Bobbie and Jesi never had them (aside from the one I described Jesi having when she was 3) they more than made up for it as teenagers? Not that they have had public temper tantums as teens, but their attitude has made up for any sort of grief I could have possibly suffered if they'd been temperamental tots.

    Quote Originally Posted by girlwonder View Post
    I actually found it to be deeply distressing and upsetting, not exciting or fun in the least. But I chose not to act on anything so it eventually went away. I also allowed myself to really think about how much I disliked him and nurtured that as a way to reinforce my non-action. (sorry, I posted something last night that I didn't feel comfortable leaving up so most everyone missed it!)
    I'm sorry I missed it. Now I'm curious...if you care to, you can share with me privately. But if not, that's ok too. I understand.

    Mama to Bobbie 20 ~ Jesi 18 ~ Syd 14 ~ Conner 6
    I'm gonna be a Gramama! Jesi is due 11/22/13


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    Myles - I like your email response. I say send it!

    "Any idiot can face a crisis; it is this day-to-day living that wears you out." -Anton Chekhov


  19. #38089

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    Ash that is such a sad story about the other Rich! I love how you talk about your dh. What a lovely way to feel.

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    M....I liked your reply as well. That would be great to get a FT gig and have another cute baby!

    Katy I was thinking I had missed something too but sorry that you went through something distressing.

    I'm like dying over here to go home. My MIL is here! And DH took off work tonight so they are both all in vacation extended weekend mode. I normally would take off Friday to hang out together and do something.....except we already have two out of five staff off tomorrow. I suppose it is good though in a way for him to get time alone with his mom....generally I'm almost always there and we get along so well that he can get a bit left out.

    Jennifer, 35, DH 36

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    I meant to say only 1 public tantrum for DD as far as I can recall. She's had more than a few private ones, but not too many. DS I can't remember any. And S. has them daily, if not hourly sometimes. Not as much in public, because he gets cheered up by distractions, but he definitely has them. However, even my more mild-mannered children have their own quirks, and my most volatile child has a charm to him that has made him very loveable despite his frequent ear-splitting shrieks and flailing fists and penchant for all-nighters.


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    Mylah, your reply to the email sounds really good. It does seem like it could be a tricky situation, so I think it's good you're treading carefully, but I think your response is great. Good luck!

    Suja, "wilted eggplants!" Ha! I think I remember that post. When I think of you, I think of you in that white sundress number you posted on over the summer, in which you looked fantastic, so that is totally ... not fair.

    My older dd, who is now 15, had ridiculous tantrums from toddlerhood well into her childhood years. We're talking 2 hour, hysterical, bystanders-wondering-if-they-should-call-the-police tantrums. It was like being in a war zone, and we had so many embarrassing public moments (although generally she reserved them for home) that I became pretty much immune to embarrassment, although I always removed her immediately from the scene anyway because I felt so sorry for anyone who had to listen to her. And you know what? She's grown into a great teenager. She's surprisingly mature and sensible -- although she still dresses funny, particularly when she knows she's going to meet MY friends (I swear, it's like something built into teen daughters that they must antagonize their mothers).
    Noe, on the other hand, has never had a tantrum. Really. She does quietly cry on occasion when she's disappointed -- like when dance class is over, or a friend has to go home -- but she's still quite reasonable even then. I'm afraid that means she'll be a terror as a teenager.
    -- mom to DD1 1/98 and DD2 10/09


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    I hope that bodes well for the teenage years for S. I just wish he didn't have to choose his public tantrums to be so, well, embarrassing. The screaming "I want wine!" in the grocery store and trying to grab bottles off the shelf was just over the top. I get easily embarrassed, though.

    A friend of mine used to tell her son, when he was being particularly difficult in public, "I'm going to tell your mother about this when we get home," just to make herself feel a little bit better about it. She liked pretending to be the nanny, just for a minute, so she didn't have to acknowledge anything more to anyone staring at them.


  24. #38094

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    Ha! That is genius!
    By that theory, I will have 3 spectacular teenagers.

  25. #38095

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    Quote Originally Posted by missychrissy View Post
    I think those fantasies are totally normal, especially if you're having medical issues. Without knowing your dh, it's hard to guess why he checks out in regards to your health, but I'm sure it's not due to lack of caring about you. Perhaps it's more to do with the helplessness of it all. Because he can't fix it, he doesn't allow himself to think about it at all. It can appear insensitive, but not be at the same time.
    Yes, I think you and Mylah have something there. I do assume that's at least part of the reason -- that he is scared, and it's hard to know what he can do since he can't "fix" it. When I was having a bone marrow biopsy a couple of months ago, and they were looking for really bad stuff (which they didn't find, thank goodness), I would come across him sitting at his work computer and it was obvious he'd been crying ... but he never came to me and said he was worried, or voiced any of his feelings on the subject. Instead, he would listen briefly when I told him about any new test results or whatever, then say something like "Well, no point in worrying until you know for sure," and then turn on the TV. I can understand if he just didn't want to talk about it, or he was holding himself together emotionally, but the lack of interest and support (never asks me how I'm feeling, hasn't bothered to learn anything about my diagnoses, asks me to do things that I can't do because of health restrictions and then says "oh, right" when I remind him that I'm still not well) has still been surprising and sad for me. Sometimes I feel like he's just annoyed that I'm not better yet. I think sometimes we mothers get that attitude -- especially from children, but from partners too -- because we're generally the caregivers and it's taken for granted that we are the ones who put others' needs first.

    I've talked to him about it several times, but he just says he feels hurt that I don't think he is being supportive, and then he mopes for a couple of hours, and then it's like we never talked about it. At this point, whatever reason he's doing it, I've mostly just decided not to dwell on it or let it bother me. But there are times -- like when I'm laughing at myself about the doctor fantasy thing -- where I have to admit to myself that there's a need there not being met.
    -- mom to DD1 1/98 and DD2 10/09


  26. #38096
    Join Date
    May 2007
    Posts
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    Ok, I would have to say that I would probably laugh if I heard a toddler throwing a tantrum wanting wine.

    I used to make sure that I said something along "your mother" lines when I was babysitting and didn't like it when old people gave me looks thinking she was mine. It wasn't that she wasn't behaving but just that when you are a 16 yr old and have a toddler who actually looks like she could be yours......well old people used to look at me with a shame shame shame kind of look.

    Jennifer, 35, DH 36

  27. #38097

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    Quote Originally Posted by 3andMe View Post
    I hope that bodes well for the teenage years for S. I just wish he didn't have to choose his public tantrums to be so, well, embarrassing. The screaming "I want wine!" in the grocery store and trying to grab bottles off the shelf was just over the top. I get easily embarrassed, though.

    A friend of mine used to tell her son, when he was being particularly difficult in public, "I'm going to tell your mother about this when we get home," just to make herself feel a little bit better about it. She liked pretending to be the nanny, just for a minute, so she didn't have to acknowledge anything more to anyone staring at them.
    That's fantastic. And "I want wine!"? Awesome. Seriously, awesome. Some of those you've just gotta chalk up to "stories to tell at the dinner table someday." If I'd seen you in that store, I'd have felt so bad for you, but I'd have been chuckling on the inside.
    -- mom to DD1 1/98 and DD2 10/09


  28. #38098

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    "Wilted eggplants" is cracking me up over here. Especially because I'm imagining the long Japanese kinds of eggplants. LOL. One of my favorite lines from the movie Victor/Victoria is when Julie Andrews says her boobs are going to end up looking like two empty wallets from years of having to strap them down in her drag costume.

    Thanks everyone for your feedback to the e-mail response. I will send my response at the end of the day.

    Katy, I can see why you thought it was disturbing, and yours is probably the more sane, normal response. I'm sorry to be all, "ooooh. that's so fun..." about it. There is a part of me - the same one that compartmentalizes everything - that would kind of blindly/cavalierly ignore all the warning bells going off in my head if I were to find myself attracted to someone unsavory who happens to be married to a friend I cared about. I'd just laugh about it to myself and think "WTH is wrong with you?", but I honestly wouldn't do much to put the kibosh on my feelings of attraction to the guy. I'd play with it like it's just me being attracted to the handsome villain in a movie. But that's the same part of me that's gotten me into trouble back in the day when I was actually dating some of the men I was attracted to. I always took on more than I could really handle.

    Ash, that is very, very sad about the other Rich. I'm sorry to hear it happened to someone so young, and who probably just out having a good time.

    It kind of reminds me... did you ever see the movie "The Way", directed by Emilio Estevez and starring Martin Sheen? It was one of our favorite Netflix viewings of the year. It's about a father who walks the entire length of the El Camino de Santiago after his son dies his first day on the trail. My DH, who is an avid thru-hiker, loved the movie for the hiking/camaraderie aspect, and I loved it for the fact that it was in a foreign land and you got to see all these beautiful old historic buildings. We really want to make that trek one of these years, although I would push for us to bike the route - seeing as how there's that option - rather than walk it.

    Did I mention that we're going to Nicaragua in about 5 weeks, btw? We used our air miles for it in early December, which was around the time I was not on APA too often. Anyway, lots to plan...

  29. #38099

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    Quote Originally Posted by daylilies View Post
    When I was engaged to DH I was still in culinary school and I was doing my internship and I worked with a guy there. He was extremely friendly and helpful to me since day one and I'd never really been doted on like that (not even by DH who is not really the doting type LOL) and we just had this weird sort of flirtatious work relationship with witty banter and a lot of giving each other a hard time. It wasn't until I'd been working there a year that he confessed he was "in love with me" which I think was actually just a serious case of this "limerence" on his part as well. Although, as you said, the feelings were mutual (except I wasn't exactly in love with him, but I did feel attracted)

    Things got awkward quick after that and I ended up leaving that job.

    Other than that I've not had a serious crush besides Joey from NKOTB. LOL
    a) I thought of NKOTB when I thought, how is "Kate" gonna respond to this?
    b) That must have been a very crazy, confusing time for you. Did you leave the job because of him? Or for other reasons? Have you ever heard anything about him since then? I really thought this was an interesting story!!

    AND ETA: c) I have no idea why I put "Kate" in quotation marks up there. LOL!

    Quote Originally Posted by pepperlru View Post
    I do assume that's at least part of the reason -- that he is scared, and it's hard to know what he can do since he can't "fix" it. When I was having a bone marrow biopsy a couple of months ago, and they were looking for really bad stuff (which they didn't find, thank goodness), I would come across him sitting at his work computer and it was obvious he'd been crying ... but he never came to me and said he was worried, or voiced any of his feelings on the subject. Instead, he would listen briefly when I told him about any new test results or whatever, then say something like "Well, no point in worrying until you know for sure," and then turn on the TV. I can understand if he just didn't want to talk about it, or he was holding himself together emotionally, but the lack of interest and support (never asks me how I'm feeling, hasn't bothered to learn anything about my diagnoses, asks me to do things that I can't do because of health restrictions and then says "oh, right" when I remind him that I'm still not well) has still been surprising and sad for me. Sometimes I feel like he's just annoyed that I'm not better yet. I think sometimes we mothers get that attitude -- especially from children, but from partners too -- because we're generally the caregivers and it's taken for granted that we are the ones who put others' needs first.

    I've talked to him about it several times, but he just says he feels hurt that I don't think he is being supportive, and then he mopes for a couple of hours, and then it's like we never talked about it. At this point, whatever reason he's doing it, I've mostly just decided not to dwell on it or let it bother me. But there are times -- like when I'm laughing at myself about the doctor fantasy thing -- where I have to admit to myself that there's a need there not being met.
    Huh. That's really interesting (the bolded part). I think there's something to that as well. People whom you'd swear are generally good, kind and thoughtful... they're still humans. All of us have base, selfish instincts too, and we betray them when we're put in difficult situations and we're expected to reach down into the better parts of ourselves. I just wish R wouldn't turn it on you when you try to talk to him about it. My DH will do that as well - I mean, reproach me for reproaching him. He does it a lot, actually. Men, right?
    Last edited by demigraf; 01-24-2013 at 05:11 PM.

  30. #38100
    Join Date
    Jun 2009
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    Nicaragua? There is a destination we don't hear about often. You'll have to tell us ALL about it when you return.

    I've been wanting to go to Belize forever. I think Mira will get more out of it if we waited until she is a little older, and can reliably hike. I am considering an overnight camping kind of trip locally this summer, hoping to find some place with a good stream to go fishing and splashing around.

    G, I'm sorry about your health struggles. DH is pretty useless when it comes to that sort of stuff, so I do understand a little, how you must feel.

    I'm so hoping that Mira is getting it all out of her system now, and will be a model child as a teen. I cannot imagine just how hard life would be, if she decided to use her force of will for evil, not good.

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