Secular Confessions

[missychrissy]

s <---- That was from Toddler S, who frequently asks to type an s while I'm typing. It's his favorite letter.

Hello Toddler S! That's a wonderful letter

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In a more general sense, I find that if I ignore something and stay busy I too do better. I do fear, however, burying my emotions and not dealing with them and then later having ______ (something terrible) happen. Maybe I'd grow to a bitter old woman? Do you worry about that L? Or do you think that by staying busy and not allowing yourself to focus on things is 'mentally healthier' for you? I'm trying to figure this out for myself in something totally unrelated to anything we've talked about here. Any insight would be appreciated. When I chose to focus and suffer and cry, I tell myself I'm dealing with it now so that once it's over and behind me, it won't become some other issue I have to cope with in my life.

In regards to the shooting, I did see one psychiatrist recommend parents do cry in front of their kids because that teaches them how to cope with their feelings and not bury them. Of course, that's assuming the kids already know. Since yours don't seem to, that's a non-issue. But Syd told Conner so... I have talked to him about it. And cried very, very hard. Many times and sometimes in front of him. The last time he looked at me and said, "Mommy, is it the little kids again?" I'm still in shock and can't believe this is a conversation I've had to have with my 6-year-old. When Columbine happened I obsessed and cried then and didn't miss one news story about it for at least a week. Bobbie was in Kindergarten and I kept thinking...she's going to be in high school soon (I didn't realize how soon). But they didn't have older siblings so they didn't learn about it for years.

I'm rambling now, but my point is that even though I had my girls when I was a teenager, I thought I had most parenting things figured out. I didn't have any idea about school shootings and 14 years later I'm still at an utter loss as to what the 'right' way is to discuss them, what to say...I feel completely out of my league on this issue. Unprepared and inept and probably doing it all wrong.

[3andMe]

I don't think there is any right way or wrong way to cope. I know for me, I tend to turn things over in my mind and dwell on them, and while introspection about interpersonal problems or personal issues or workplace dilemmas may lead to improvements or solutions, spending a lot of time thinking about things that have already happened and that are causing me continued sadness or anguish every time I think of them doesn't do me a lot of good and just makes me feel awful overall. It's not denial. I know it makes me sad. I'm just choosing not to spend a lot of time probing the wounds.

The other thing is that time helps, so it's easier to think about it in small doses as time passes and it becomes more removed. So I try not to think about it except when I can handle it. You may think it's not fair to the children, to the families, to the other potential victims who need people to never forget and to always keep this fresh in their minds, but there are things that can be done (signing petitions, writing to congressmen, etc.) without getting into the very emotional part of it. It's not like I am not thinking about it at all, but I'm not thinking about all the actual heartbreaking aspects of it.

I did this after Esme died. I could spend all day crying, or I could spend all day trying not to dwell on everything about her. The days I didn't think about her all day long were better, but they were totally deliberate, not accidental. I do not think I am going to have some later point when those emotions are going to resurface. If I'm a bitter old woman, it will be for some other reason.

[missychrissy]

That makes sense L. I think I'm going to do that as well. Not push or bury things, but just deal with them in small chunks instead. I'm really making myself nuts...not just about the school shootings either. I think I'm a master at rumination, but I know I can stop it if I chose to too.

Thank you. And your comment about being a bitter old woman for another reason made me smile. Maybe I'm 1/2 way there already anyway.

[Gwenn]

L, I have actually been doing a lot of what you say myself. I stayed completely away from APA and Facebook for several days after the shootings. I am now in a place where I can begin to sort out how I feel and what I think, but I needed some time and space first. I agree, it isn't denial. It's healthy distance. I think you know yourself well and are making healthy choices that fit with your needs.

I've missed you in here, though! Love to Toddler S for me. s s s s s s s

[AmeriBrit]

L, I like your thoughts on how to cope; I am the same way. I think because I don't live in the US, it's not hit me as hard since I am so far removed from the event. I still think about it randomly and get teary-eyed and have to tell myself to not dwell on it, though.

We have just got back from a little get-together that we always do every year with my fellow American expat best friend. She has a little boy who is 2 years older than Travis. The kids played quite well together and enjoyed all the Christmas baking. When it came time to exchange gifts, the trouble started. I had specifically asked my friend what to get her son, but she hadn't done the same for our 2. When Travis opened his, it was a megaphone that altered his voice. He threw it down straight away and started shouting that he didn't like it and that he wanted something else. I was sooooo embarrassed! I told him to stop being ungrateful and to say thank you. He said thank you in a grumpy voice and stomped off, but every 5 minutes, he would keep coming back up to me and Rich and would say very loudly, "I WANT something else...I hate that microphone...I don't WANT it!" We kept telling him to stop being like that. Luckily, Cash loved it and was playing with it. Travis seems to be going through such a bad phase right now and it is making me really upset for him. He has such a temper. I don't know how we've managed to raise such an ungrateful child! I do not want him to be like this. Does anyone have any advice on how I can get through this phase?

Starting tomorrow, I am cutting out the sugary treats. This run up to Christmas has been particularly bad with his Gran and even ourselves indulging his chocolate habit. We already have a sticker chart but don't always remember to review the day with him, so I'll be doing that as well. It has categories for "eating dinner," "being polite," etc. The biggest worry with him is how angry he reacts when something doesn't go his way. He likes to kick the furniture or slap at the wall when he's angry and that really sets me off. I try to be so calm with him but here lately, I have shouted at him (and I am so not a shouter.) I am really at my wit's end with this kid. I am feeling like a parenting failure. *sigh(

[daylilies]

Ash, don't blame yourself for Travis's behavior. Josh is like that too. He wont hesitate to say he already has something or he doesn't like it. I raise my voice with Josh too and I'm not usually like that either. Do you think he'd go to his room and quietly deal with his feelings if you asked him too (before things got too out of control of course). That's something I've been trying to do with Josh. It doesn't always work. In a way it's a good thing he's hitting the wall or kicking furniture instead of hitting or kicking you, though. It is a phase, one of many.

The first week after the shooting was so hard. It only happened a couple hours away, and like someone else said, it was just so easy to picture, since Josh is that age. I actually was afraid to send him to school, and the day it happened was so long, I could hardly stand it. DH was in bed sick and I was watching the story unfold. I couldn't believe it. After it happened we stopped keeping up with it because we didn't want the news on with Josh around and it was so distressing to watch but I am curious if they ever found a motive or what happened to that second person they were looking for in the woods that day. I can't bear to read any news stories about it, still. There's always some quote about the kids being with God now or something else that just makes me angry. It's great if they really are with God or angels or whatever. But they belong here.

A friend from church knows the family of one of the little girls who died.

[missychrissy]

Oh Ash, that would be humiliating and it takes a lot to embarrass me. I hope your friends were understanding (I know I would be, and wouldn't take it personally). I don't know how I'd deal with it beyond explaining how hurtful that is to the people that gave him the gift. Maybe having a few conversations about that (in general) and having him picture how he'd feel if someone reacted that way with a gift he'd given to them. As he gets older, I'm sure that will help him be able to hide his disappointment. I also think it's important for him to know that it's ok to be disappointed with a gift, because it happens to all of us, but it's not ok to behave that way.

[girlwonder]

I'm like you, L. I really can't take too much of the news or it becomes unhealthy for me. I know it's there but I don't want to look at it all at once or I will be overwhelmed and undone. Little bits, and time helps.

Ash, I'm sorry that T is being a little selfish. I guess learning to hide your feelings takes a while. I hope your friend was understanding.

[Bridget]

I commented in your other thread too but try not to worry too much about that behavior. It is not out of the ordinary and with him having such a sweet soul for a mama it won't take him long to learn to be gracious. And as far at the temper, both of my kids at that age had tempers that actually scared me a little. Savana took longer to grow out of hers as she is 7 and just sort of magically changed a few months ago and Kai is already grown out of it at 5. It was the one compliment I heard more than once from their teacher and principal at school, that they carried themselves with grace. I would never believe someone would be saying that to me about them a year ago. But now I do believe it is one of the best things about them. He will get there. It's hard being four. Life can be really confusing at that age. Like WHAT? You told me never to lie and I'm telling the truth! I HATE THIS GIFT!

[Gwenn]

I do think it is a fairly normal reaction at four. Kids are brutally honest and it takes time to learn the "social lie." With as sweet as you are, he will learn eventually. I'm sorry you had such a rough time of it.

[Cosmosmom]

http://inamerica.blogs.cnn.com/2012/...nza/?hpt=hp_t2

This is kind of interesting....fairly similar but I have never heard of her or this incident. Female shooter at an elem. school in 1979.

[3andMe]

I heard of her. I have the Boomtown Rats CD with the song about her, actually, and when I am listening to the lyrics instead of just doing other things, I still get sad. I just don't know her name off the top of my head.

ETA: I didn't know about it at the time--I was just a kid, and grew up with a global ignorance of current events anyway, not having tv, newspapers, and radio except for a few entertainment shows on NPR. I learned about it from a boyfriend who introduced me to the band and mentioned the story behind that particular song.

[missychrissy]

The story seems vaguely familiar...like someone told me about it when I was so young, I thought it was a dream or nightmare. There does seem to be a connection between school or other public shootings and mental disorders. But that doesn't mean that we shouldn't change the existing gun laws. I mean, nearly everyone is related to or knows someone that's mentally disturbed. They haven't all had the same diagnosis. It could be that they weren't seen enough (or at all) or misdiagnosed, but clearly there are many 'disturbed' individuals out there as well as many guns. It's a bad combination.

I was letting Conner shoot zombies on his games. I stopped that. I figured they were very pretend and what could it hurt? But now, I'm not willing to take any chances at all. Maybe it's an overreaction but it won't hurt him any to not play them. I only bought him a Mario Brothers game for the Wii (it better be good, it cost $60!) and that's it. I'm not going to flat out say he can't ever, never play shooting games but I'm encouraging him to play others.

One of my local liberal friends made a good point. We've had games like yard jarts that caused too many injuries to they drastically changed the jarts (is that what they're called? I remember my parents had them but we weren't even allowed in the same part of the yard as them when they played them). Anyway, he said that's what we do when we realize something is too dangerous-we stop making them. It's happened with lots of things throughout the years and people adjust.

[Bridget]

Very simple isn't it, Chrissy. Like what your friend said. If it's harmful, we stop. I agree.

I was chatting with my bff who moved to Hawaii on the phone last night. We recalled when our friend Tracy was killed along with her daughter and 2 others by her boyfriend. A few months after we met up with Tracy's best friend. They were like sisters. We were very surprised that she was able to show compassion for T, the man that killed them. She said she had loved him like family and had no idea he was capable of something like that. She commented how there is nowhere for a person to turn when they feel so overwhelmed and out of control that they want to kill someone. "Where's that billboard?" she said.

[missychrissy]

There's truth in that. I deplore how they act it out, but if you think about the years of anguish and goodness only knows what else goes on inside someone that gets to that point...well, i'd like to stop that as well. For would-be victims but for the would-be shooters as well. I'm not convinced they're not savable, if reached in time.

I'm really irritated with Rich. I've had Conner for every weekend since hunting season. I've been clear that this was my weekend to do my shopping and wrapping for the kids-since I had no other opportunity to do it. It's not that I don't want to have Conner-goodness, I'd rather he live with me. But even if he did, I'd still need at least 1 days to shop and wrap! Rich texted me while I was out and about yesterday asking if he could bring Conner down soon. This was the first I'd heard of Conner coming to my house at all this weekend. I told him sorry, I was out shopping and still had a lot left to do. He then gave me grief about what I did Friday night after work, if I didn't go visiting Santa then. wtf dude?

So after our little back and forth about that, I told him I'd likely have everything finished up by Sunday, so if he wanted to bring Conner down then that would work for me. I figured it would be a few hours, but he brought all his stuff to stay the night. Again, I don't mind having Conner at all but he could have said that's what he had in mind. What if I had other plans? I don't, but if I did I'm sure it would have been an argument and I can tell you right now Rich would turn it into me not wanting Conner. Even though I've had him every weekend for 2 months now. And I'm ok with that-it's the lack of communication that's pissing me off. I really do have at least 2 more gifts to get and wrap and I'm wondering what time he plans on getting Conner tomorrow.

[girlwonder]

Ugh. Just had to run into the grocery store like a slap in the face, there's the new People magazine with all those lovely little faces all over it. I had a hard time keeping it together in the store and have been crying ever since.

[Cosmosmom]

Yeah I was kind of surprised I hadn't heard about it before as I do tend to read the news stories about these things....and on top of it, one of the few women that do this. But I was also literally an infant in 1979. In some ways I find it a bit comforting knowing that it's not something brand new....though does seem to happen more often now but I also pay more attention.

I was reading something that in chicago area alone in one of the past few years...might have been 2010 they were talking about....in one single year there was 700 children shot and of those 66 died. That was what my prof friend was referring to. That many school age children shot in a single year....but they are inner city kids and therefore that doesn't make the news or public outcries for change.

I absolutely agree that things need to change. I have wanted that for years and years. I just feel fairly pessimistic that it will change as I think too many people value their weapons over lives.

[daylilies]

I knew about the story behind that song. It creeps me out!

Josh is just melting my heart these days. I don't know what it is, he just seems so earnest about things and willing to help out others more than usual. I can actually get him to do things without begging, sometimes ;) He is still incredibly challenging sometimes, but the sweet moments in between make it a little easier.

Guess what else! He has his first loose tooth!

[Cosmosmom]

Is the tooth fairy going to come? How much is she leaving these days? I used to get a dollar a tooth and that was like 26-27 years ago. I used to save up my money and buy books at Shopko with it. LOL

[daylilies]

I don't know, I think the first tooth is extra special so maybe like $5 or something. Is that too much? LOL

[Cosmosmom]

I was thinking by the time I have a kid losing teeth...I was thinking of trying to talk DH into 10 for the first tooth and 5 per tooth after that. I mean I was getting a dollar a long time ago. That doesn't go very far now. 2 teeth got me a new kids book (usually was bernstein bears).
I only plan on having one kid so I think that is reasonable. If we were thinking of four kids....that might get too expensive! LOL

[daylilies]

2 teeth at once?? That happens?

I'm a little squeamish about the whole tooth thing...I hope it goes more smoothly than it did when I was losing teeth. I absolutely hated pulling them out so they'd be hanging by a string, the new ones growing in behind them...after that I had braces for a loooong time.

[missychrissy]

I lost 2 within a day or two of each other.

I actually loved wiggling the teeth and even digging them into my gums. I must love pain.

[daylilies]

Augh! I feel a little nauseous.

[Cosmosmom]

Well some did fall out within a short amount of time. But I usually had to save up between a few teeth for what I wanted.
I was a wiggle puller. My sister was the hanging by the string one. So my parents got to experience both. LOL
I lost my last baby tooth when I was 10 and got braces from 10-13.

My mom still has 1-2 baby teeth....I inherited my dad's teeth. Oh my sister had a one we called a pink tooth....the adult one started to come down and took the gum with it.

[missychrissy]

Owie! I remember my brother had one in the front middle that just wouldn't come lose. His two adult teeth grew in behind it quite far and he had an appointment to have that one front/center baby tooth pulled, but he fell on the playground and somehow it got knocked out that way. It didn't damage the adult ones behind, so he was lucky.

Myles-we got your card! Bohdi is such a cutie pie! the sand-man! How clever

No word from Rich. We're having a nice, quiet day here but I have stuff to do. I don't know what time he plans on picking Conner up.

[Bridget]

Savana lost ger front 2 just a couple weeks ago within 3 days of each other. She looks and talks so cute with them missing.

[daylilies]

Aww!

[missychrissy]

How sad is it I'm looking forward to Conner losing his front teeth? My poor little boy has his father's bad teeth. It's absolutely genetic-I didn't do anything different with Conner than I did with his sisters and his teeth are just awful. All his cousins have bad teeth and I'm ashamed to admit, I always secretly thought their parents just didn't care for them right. Conner's dentist told me that it absolutely can run in families...but it was going to cost me 1900 out of pocket to fix them (over 3 grand altogether) so I decided to wait until they became painful for him and we'd deal with one tooth at a time. None of them ever did. If I'm going to put 3 grand in his mouth, though, it's going to be on his adult teeth. I just couldn't see doing it on his baby ones if they were going to fall out anyway. It was a hard decision for me to make though because I feared he'd get teased. One of my coworkers said she had the same thing when she was little and her adult teeth came in just fine and she never had any problems. She didn't remember being picked on, so that helped me decide to just wait it out.

But anyway, I can't wait for them to fall out.

[Bridget]

Yeah, that makes sense, Chrissy. I don't think I'd do any work on baby teeth either unless it was a health issue. He's so young that I don't think kids starts making fun too much until they're older and by then he'll be all good.

Christmas is such a double edged sword for me these days. It's so much more fun when you have kids but it's so much less fun without my mom here. She LOVED holidays. Savana said tonight, "If grandma was still alive I bet her and grandpa would be sleeping over tonight." They used to do that so we could all be together xmas morning and make it easy for us to not have to travel with the kids. I couldn't help but think about her all day today. She'd never believe Savana now. Such a wise little girl. Her and I cried together for a bit tonight about how sad it is that grandma and Sawyer never got to meet.