Secular Confessions

[Bridget]

I'm ready for Draco! Lol we have nowhere to go so i'm cool with it. If I had to drive in it, I'd be feeling differently.

The money is supposed to be for them for their education, or to invest in property as mil always like to push. She pushed it with both dbf and his sister so they bought property the second they had money which was actually good advice. I don't think it has to be for college but it's just for them to use, but we call it the education account.
Why doesn't he want to ask? I don't know. I believe he's just being a jerk about the money I spend on the kids since I don't have income anymore. I believe he knows we can afford this but wants to act like we can't. He says I took it wrong and he only asks so he can "budget" it into his salary. BS. I'd like to see where in that budget he factored in beer. I just don't want to answer to him about things like this if he is not going to be reasonable and cooperative. If i could take it from their account then he couldn't be snide.

[missychrissy]

Could you guys work out a 'household' budget, or perhaps 'kids' budget and he just let you do what you want with it? Just tossing that out there...maybe you don't want to deal with any finances at all.

[girlwonder]

Ugh, Bridget. I have been having the same type of problems with my dh these past few days. I got really ticked off at him today and I know it is against the rules but I will be going to bed mad. It's just too big to hash out before bedtime and neither one of us really wants to do it. I'm feeling that he is the one making all the decisions, I have no control over anything, my opinion means nothing, I'm being judged and nit-picked to death on what I buy at the grocery store. I asked if we were going bankrupt or something and he said he was just trying to get a handle on what we spend so we don't rack up the cc again which I totally understand but I also know that I am not an extravagant spender. I usually by my own clothes with egg money and about half of J's clothes too. I rarely buy new clothes, but when I do I go to Marshalls or some other discount store. I know that there are ways to limit spending, but quizzing me on what I bought at the grocery store is not going to help. I am ashamed to admit that I don't have access to our accounts, have no idea of money in/out. I am so afraid of money that I just let it go. He said he will be giving me access and I need to pin him down on it tomorrow so I have an idea of where the money is going. We aren't rich, but we are NOT poor so I don't like feeling like I am breaking rules when I buy myself $40 of new underwear (I haven't bought new underwear in at least a year). Ugh. I want to go to bed. These past two weeks have been terrible. Sick and sad and mad and frustrated. Yuck.

[3andMe]

I ask for classes and memberships more than gifts from our relatives, Bridget. Even if there wasn't a specific fund set up, it would be worth pursuing. Even for me, I love giving and getting gifts of experiences rather than things. In any case, it would probably be worth clarifying with mil if it is for educational purposes now rather than for say college later, and to have a neutral talk with dbf about how discussing money as you're leaving for the event you spent it on is a bad time.

It's totally possible that it is an expense he keeps getting reminded of only as you go to the lessons or when the bills come and that is when he (unfortunately) thinks of asking you if it is necessary. I do that. I sometimes could stand a gentle reminder that once I agree to an expense I don't dispute it again until a quiet, neutral time when we discuss budget issues in general. And even if it is really important, and you tend to make a lot of these decisions on your own, it might be good to sit down and say why you think they're important so he feels invested in them too.

I tend to make so many unilateral financial decisions that I remind myself to involve dh in the decision-making, especially when it's about the kids. We haven't put the twins in any extra classes for almost a year now.

[Cosmosmom]

I actually get nitpicked about the grocery store as well. And a lot of other spending....even when it's usually done together when the credit card bill comes (which gets paid in full every month). And I make almost double what he does. I do not pay any of the bills and have agreed to him doing it....and really he's better at it and I do like to spend. I do insist on having joint everything though...and could know where to get into stuff if I wanted.
Not sure if that helps or not.....I'm not a SAHM and actually am the breadwinner.....yet still have this problem.

[missychrissy]

Oh Katy

I got news that my grandfather might not be doing well at all. He's in grave danger. They're pumping him full of fluid to see if they can remove a blockage, I believe in his colon but maybe his kidney? If they can, great, they will. If not, they plan on sending him home with hospice. Since it's so in the air, we're all (cousins, mom, brother, etc) planning on going to work like normal and checking in after to see how he did. We're going to assume they can remove the blockage. But if not, we'll have time to see him

On a happy note, I received your card today L. Beautiful!! It was truly a high point of my day and filled my heart with such happiness! Thank you

[Gwenn]

I will add that I am also the breadwinner with DH earning only a very part time income from his NG work. He complained to me the other night when I bought a $7 cookie recipe magazine at the grocery store. I have postponed the discussion for now - but these types of issues are having a major impact on us as a couple and we will need to have some discussions coming up.

[missychrissy]

No news on grandpa, so that's good news.

I was also the breadwinner and while Rich didn't really question what I spent $ on, he'd quickly say, "We can't afford it" to almost any request the kids would make. It was his knee-jerk reaction and it used to piss me off. He had no clue what our in/out $ was or whether we could afford something or not.

[MashedUp]

I am now the primary money earner (DH gave his notice last week to be a SAHD) and just this week we had a heated discussion about the $70 I spent on dance classes for M. She's obsessed with all things girly and is THRILLED to be taking dance classes, yet he's bit&*ing about it. I have used the beer argument against him before. He easily spends more than $70 a month on beer, so of course I'm going to spend the money on activities for our kids.

[missychrissy]

Rich did that as well, spent $ on beer. That contributed to the split for us. At one point, I was managing to get us by on $260/week for day-to-day expenses (outside of monthly bills). That included gas, groceries, household items, and daycare. For a family of 6, that was very tight. My stress level was through the roof-and this went on for a year or more. Sometimes, I didn't handle it well and would b1tch about it. Most often, I'd end up in tears. 3-4 months after that period, we started the paperwork to be approved for a mortgage and I saw his pay stubs. He could have easily given me an extra 30-40 a week. It might not sound like much, but that was the difference between being able to easily manage and budget, and me ending up in tears every Saturday and he never volunteered even $10. Because he had to buy his beer with that 30-40/week. I still resent the fact that he put me through that.

eta: I don't think he was drinking that much (but really, who knows, he could have been) but he was certainly keeping more of his paycheck to himself than he told me about. That 30-40 went for alcohol, lottery scratch off tickets, and extra lunches at work at a time when I was eating just salad every day that I prepared at home and brought in. I didn't have any extra for lunches, but he made sure he did at least once a week.

[Cosmosmom]

Chrissy that is really tight! I would have a hard time keeping to that budget! And that is with just two adults and two dogs. Some weeks sure....but others would be over if there was a car repair or a vet visit or some shopping for the house or stuff for us. Cosmo's three meds alone run like $30 a month....and that doesn't include the heartgard or frontline or vet visits (she's expensive with teeth cleaning yearly and a number of extra blood tests....and now she has fatty lipomas and I think that the one in the arm pit is bugging her and likely we will have to have that surgically removed next teeth cleaning)....not sure if we will do two dogs at once again.

Money they say is one of the biggest things that couples fight about. I hear a lot about how not sure how we can afford a child. Course I can see why he worries when child doesn't even exist (that I know of at least) and we are already at about 7K spent on him or her. I won't even let him think about pricing out formula!

[missychrissy]

Well, if there was a car repair that would have come from our monthly bills budget. The $260/week was solely our week-to-week living expenses. And I think I'm doing that now with just me and the kids only 1/2 time so I'm not sure how I pulled it off!

[Ky'sMom]

Could you guys work out a 'household' budget, or perhaps 'kids' budget and he just let you do what you want with it? Just tossing that out there...maybe you don't want to deal with any finances at all.

I was thinking along these lines Bridget.

I actually wouldn't want to use the money from MIL unless I felt that we actually couldn't afford to pay for the activities for the children. If you can afford it, then I would write out a list, or type one up and put a title of the activity, how much it costs, and post it on the fridge or something so when he asks about it you can refer him to the activities list and be through with that.

I can understand if the amounts were outrageous but really your piano lessons sound very reasonable for two children and usually martial arts lessons aren't all that much either. I would also try to anticipate on my list the costs of various trips you would like to take through out the next 2-6 months and the costs of materials. Sorry if that seems crazy, but in my line of work I am responsible for developing construction schedules and "cost estimates" so I am just used to thinking about activities and purchases now in this fashion:

1 - what do I want for this specific time period? (break down activities, materials, field trips, etc.)
2- what is the anticipated costs? (call places you want to visit, see if any discounts available, check pricing online for materials, etc)
3 - when do I want to do specific projects/activities/field trips? Then make a schedule and a tally of how much everything will cost for that specific time period.

Print it out and post it up so he will not have to ask you anything, you can refer him to the chart.

Erin

[Cosmosmom]

Ah I see. But still!!!
We charge everything we can....so that is gas, groceries, vet/dog stuff, shopping/fun stuff, car repairs. That charge I try to keep to a certain amount or less each month....but haven't been doing a good job recently!

Yesterday we had the lady come through to do the house appraisal. We are also trying to refinance. I asked DH how it went and he said she didn't say much but asked him how old the house was. He said 2010 and she said it still looked brand new. I told DH that it mattered that we cleaned well before she came (freshly vacuumed, I polished the stainless steel appliances so they looked really shiny...that sort of thing). I was glad that there was snow on the ground because my lawn looks awful! Only half established and the summer was so dry we eventually gave up watering. I'm a little nervous to get the report but think I have a pretty good idea on what she will put it after seeing few on my street sell this year. So fingers crossed!

Geez it's blowing around out there. Drive in was slow this morning but not awful until the parking lot. Boo to winter snow.
Bridget are you in the path that is supposed to get like 18 inches? We are in the 4-8 swath. I have to say that I'm totally jealous of you not having to leave the house if you don't want to!

[Cosmosmom]

Erin and Chrissy have great ideas! I like the idea of a kids budget or writing up something and than having him sign it so he can see he agreed to it.
I mean homeschooling isn't going to be free for crying out loud!

[missychrissy]

I didn't dare charge a single thing at that time. We really had zero room for error.

And yeah, homeschooling isn't going to be free. It sounds to me like you did get a great deal with the piano lessons and I've never heard of anyone regretting those. So many skills are acquired beyond just playing a piano, and once you learn that instrument, your children will really be open and able to learn any others. I think it's a wonderful gift and he should just be quiet about it.

[daylilies]

That's a good idea to ask for money to go towards classes and other education for the kids. This year especially I was struggling to give ideas to people for Josh's presents, because the only thing he's really into right now is Legos and he's getting a lot of those already from us. It would have been a good idea to ask for money for a membership to a museum, or karate lessons or something. Next time!

[Bridget]

Thanks for understanding, Ladies! I think I will take your advice and see if we can't outline a budget before I go to his mom. I think my biggest problem is that he b!tches and moans about it but when I offer solutions or even offer to quit (luckily he doesn't call me bluff) he says no.

I do believe we are in the path of this storm. We have about 6 inches now (if I had to guess, not official or anything) and it's coming down hard now. Dbf, Kai, Sawyer and I went out to clean up and build a snowman. It's pretty blustery out there. Savana, my tropical island girl, opted to stay in my bed in her underwear looking at books.

Speaking of my bed. Kai's been coming in every night and if dbf is home he sort of curls up at our feet. When dbf is gone, he takes that space but practically sleeps sideways with his feet on me. The other night, after pushing his legs off me several times during the night, I felt his feet on me in the morning and he was stirring and waking. I said, rather annoyed "Kai. Dude. When you sleep in a bed your head goes on the pillow and your feet go on the bottom. Why do you always put your feet on me??"

"Because I like to know your here when my eyes are closed."
Awwwww. I felt like kind of a jerk after he said that!

[Bridget]

So here's some creepiness I'd like to share with you today. So dbf has this friend from when he lived in Hawaii. Imo he is a total loser for several reasons but we won't get into that. He has a 17 year old daughter who I adore and spent a good amount of time with when I lived in hawaii and she was 10-12. Well she just recently had a baby (both her parents left the island so I don't know who is helping her but she tells me she's doing great.) Anway, she posted a pic of her and baby on fb and someone commented, "Beautiful just like her mama". Her dad (we'll call him L for loser) commented under that, "Great. Just what I need. Another hot *insert last name* running around." EWWW. Who calls their daughter hot? On a side note, I remember after we had Savana he would always say things to dbf like, "You're gonna need a shotgun for this one" or "She'll be grounded 'til she's 30". I always felt creeped out by that too. Like, would you please stop referring to my 2 year old as if she's a hot floozy?
Anyway, I said something to dbf about that comment he left on fb and agreed that's just icky and said that when he went to L's wedding last year that his daughter was there and he was calling her "boobs". When dbf questioned it he said he'd been calling her that since she got them.
I don't like that at all. One more reason for me to not like the guy *shudder* Seriously, I just did.

[daylilies]

Aww, they have a way of saying something sweet and making you feel bad for being annoyed! Happens to me a lot too.

I hate it when people refer to kids like that. It's gross.

[Gwenn]

OMG, Bridget, that is seriously, seriously creepy. Like alarm bells are going off like crazy. Ick, ick, ick!

[Cosmosmom]

Maybe you could ask/suggest him to touch you with his hand instead of his feet? Or at least sleep like most people with his head on the pillow and just sticking one foot out towards you?

I have been working on Molly to get up up against my butt or my less and NOT my back. I don't like any pressure or touching on my back when I am sleeping. I never wanted the dog in my bed and I now have two of them. LOL Cosmo got started with DH years ago when we first got her and Molly I felt badly for her. It's cold in the house and since she is older and doesn't need kenneling at night, I started telling her ok come up. She already was sleeping with DH during the day and likes to be really warm. I'm such a sucker for a sad doggie face.

Bridget that guy is creepy. I mean people say things, oh that one is going to be a heartbreaker or you will have to beat them off with a stick. That is common enough and just a conversational thing meant to be taken as your have a really nice looking child. But hot and boobs about your OWN child or any child.....weird. You call a child beautiful or cute or adorable....not hot.

[Gwenn]

I confess I am on APA at work. This NEVER happens. We are moving buildings and they stopped scheduling work for us. With the result that I have everything written that needs to be written and just need to sort through my desk for personal items to take home. The rest will be packed and moved by the moving company. I actually took a personal day yesterday to bake cookies with my mom just so I wouldn't be sitting around bored at work! I do have a meeting today, though, and then nothing else. I work through tomorrow afternoon. Save me!

[Cosmosmom]

Hi! I'm like that today too. My job is either feast or famine. Right now, people are already starting to take off for vacations, people aren't thinking about research right now, students have already gotten what they needed and wrote their papers.

I would rather be at home baking cookies and listening to xmas music. Oh the weather outside is frightful but the fire is so delightful.....

[Gwenn]

We had fun yesterday. My mom loves classical music so we listened to the Cambridge boys' choir sing very super traditional carols while we baked. It was enjoyable.

[Cosmosmom]

When I get like this I start plotting out stuff. But I don't need to research a new dog, I don't need to research anything to buy, cannot research our vacation as we haven't decided on how much we can afford yet. I don't have any projects or ideas on the horizon. The house is done and we don't need anything for it right now. Nothing I can do on the adoption front. I don't even need any new reading ideas as I have a backlog of stuff I'm working on.

[Cosmosmom]

was it those ones you posted on FB? Those looked yummy! I still need to make the christmas cutouts that you frost. I didn't do them last year either as we had just gotten Molly and was exhausted from her. She's not perfect now but she's pretty good and I don't have to follow her if she leaves the room. LOL I am so glad she's a year old now.

How big is your boy these days?

[Gwenn]

He's 55ish lbs these days. He's taller in the shoulder than Gwennie and his head is broader, although he doesn't weigh as much. She's a chunky girl and he's still in that lanky phase.

Yes, those are the cookies! Super yummy. I will be scanning in my recipes to share, so anyone who would like, let me know. Since I took the recipe from a book I don't know about posting publicly.

When I have unlimited time I like to think about writing or plotting stories. Get my creative juices flowing. I have really set that aside for myself in a major way while mentally dealing with this fertility stuff. Something I really regret and am trying to get back to.

[Cosmosmom]

Yes! So far chocolate chips are one cookie that I'm not good though. I do a good oatmeal raisin, a fantastic snickerdoodle, a really great peanut butter with chocolate star one, and of course the family traditional frosted sugar cutouts. Oh and I have a really great banana bread that usually gets a lot of comments except from my MIL who thought it could be moister. OMG, if it was any moister, it would have been gooey inside.

Oh yeah I don't really like writing so it wouldn't occur to me to start thinking about that in down times. LOL I love reading of course but cannot exactly open up my fiction and just start reading at work. I could be looking at some medical books but even that, I cannot think of any diseases to learn about.

Holy Cow he's huge! That is just amazing how fast they grow.
DH isn't sure but I really think Cosmo is already feeling a little lighter. We both think that she is acting peppier. I would really like to see her get to 27 lbs.....she was 33.4 lbs 6 days ago. 25 lbs would probably be pretty perfect.

How's his personality? I wasn't sure if we created Cosmo until I got Molly. Cosmo has always been very much a prissy princess dog. A lot like Lady from Lady and the Tramp. Molly is definitely not a princess. She is more a little goofball. Cosmo will (and it's not age....she has always been like this)....will lick the snow or taste it all dainty like. Molly will plow into it head first full speed and take a huge bite of it. And get her whole head full of snow.

[Gwenn]

All of my puppies have had completely different personalities. M is by far the most intelligent and the most responsive to direction of all of my babies. He is very sweet and eager to please. Led by his nose, which I am deciding after three male dogs who have been this way is a boy thing - all my boy dogs are beggars, and while my girl dogs have enjoyed treats and will ask politely, they aren't jerks about it the way boys seem to be. Very excitable and goes crazy when I come home or I first wake up, like "There's my mommy! I love her so much!" sniffing and wagging all over the place. It's really cute. Definitely not a prince, though!

We have come a L-O-N-G way with the bite inhibition. Still wants to, so he licks instead to the point where you are sick of the licking. When he gets excited the tendency to bite still comes out but he knows and all it takes is "No biting" for him to back off and he knows just what that means. He seems to be trying really, really hard not to do it, too, which I am so proud of.

So I definitely am a big believer in nature - not that nurture doesn't play a role (without nurture, M would bite like crazy and with his size he would be jumping all over the place and be a horrible dog) but that they do have a very distinct inner nature that they bring to the table for us to work with.