Hi guys! I've been MIA because I just can't take it. I was on fb too much anyway so maybe this will be a good way for me to stop being on the computer so much. Ash: I just got your Christmas card today - I love it! Thank you. I don't think we are going to get cards out this year, I'm so sorry. Dh is a little clench-y about money right now as our re-fi didn't work out. Our house got appraised for $45,000 less than three years ago somehow. No one is our neighborhood is selling right now so I guess there were no good comp houses. The only good thing now is that we can lower our property tax payment. So we pretty much break even. Anyway, it was a little upsetting last week. And then Friday just destroyed me. I am still crying about it. And it was a hard weekend for me because I have been a little sick for about a week and it just got worse on Saturday but I had to be up and energetic and happy for all my dh's birthday plans. It was his 40th birthday weekend so we saw Louis CK on Friday night (that was just so hard to get myself together to go see comedy on such a dark and sad day) then a party on Saturday night here at the house so I had to clean and make food for 30 when all I wanted to do was lie down and cry from being sad and sick. The party was fun and everyone had a good time (karaoke- I still don't have a voice) but I got to go to bed at about 3:30 a.m. and couldn't sleep from being overtired, a little tipsy, sore throat and headache and sad and my brain just wouldn't shut down. It was a terrible night and I finally got up at 7:00 a.m. for the day. My dh got to sleep in because it was his birthday, then we went to brunch and then he got to hang out at home and I took JoJo to a Christmas music concert. I got home at about 4:30 and said I was going to lie down for a bit and just passed out for two hours, got up and had dinner and bedtime for JoJo and then passed out again at 9:30. I'm still feeling sad and sick today and didn't realize that my dh has the next two days off work, which normally would be good but all I want to do is be alone and cry without feeling like I am ruining his birthday by being sad. We went and saw Lincoln today - it was really good, but of course the ending made me cry.
I feel the same way about this as after my dad died, or any other really sad and awful thing that has happened. That it is going to take a while for me to get used to that broken piece being gone. Like a broken tooth that you can't stop feeling for. I am really regretting bringing a child into this world where I can't protect her from evil. And just now she has started to worry about me dying and I can't really tell her what she wants to hear. She hasn't heard anything about what happened and for that I am grateful.
"Any idiot can face a crisis; it is this day-to-day living that wears you out." -Anton Chekhov