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Thread: Secular Confessions

  1. #37261

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    Oh boy does that ever sound like something dbf would do.

  2. #37262

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    He hates wasting things. Josh doesn't usually finish what he eats so DH didn't want to waste any more than he had to. But then since he didn't want to eat the cereal without more milk, we wasted something anyway. He just didn't think it through.

    I did mention choosing your battles. I mean lately we've had enough resistance from Josh so why is he causing more? I said if he's asking for more food that is perfectly healthy for him just please give it to him.

  3. #37263
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    Oh yeah Suja, I remember your DH having issues with the bike in the driveway!

    Kate I'm thinking he probably didn't think Josh would do that. But once he started a fit, I can see not giving in too. Or if he had asked for more milk really rude and demanding, I could see it spiraling outta control.
    I could actually see my DH doing what yours did. Mine has a real stubborn streak.....

    Jennifer, 35, DH 36

  4. #37264
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    I don't 'get' why someone, just because they're the adult, gets to 'dictate' how everything is. I think respect is earned, and it's earned by being respectful. After having 4 kids and seeing just about everything, parents that do what Kate's dh did over a splash of milk simply look more childish (to me) than the child. At the end of the day, it's seriously not worth the battle. Just give him some more milk like you would for a neighbor that's over for company and move on with your day.

    Mama to Bobbie 20 ~ Jesi 18 ~ Syd 14 ~ Conner 6
    I'm gonna be a Gramama! Jesi is due 11/22/13


  5. #37265
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    Of course that comes from someone with a real sensitive spot about food issues. I don't think it's ever appropriate to 'discipline' at the breakfast/lunch/dinner table. It can develop eating disorders and I think anyone that really thinks about it would admit that the quickest way to lose your appetite is to have someone talk to you in 'that' tone or worse yet argue or ridicule you when you're eating. Manners can be (and have in my house) taught by example and gentle reminders when they're really little...but do not act like anything is a big deal ever at meal time. Like ever.

    That's a battle Rich & I had for many years and in the end, it was the straw that broke the camel's back for me. I don't think we should treat our kids any different at the table than we would a guest in our house.

    Mama to Bobbie 20 ~ Jesi 18 ~ Syd 14 ~ Conner 6
    I'm gonna be a Gramama! Jesi is due 11/22/13


  6. #37266
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    I can't remember if I posted this. DH made Mira a bubblewrap "helmet". Not because she had bumped her head on anything, but because he thought she might.



    DH also has this whole thing about wasting food. We've solved it by a) serving small portions and b) someone eating what the kid didn't (including cat/dogs). Nothing gets wasted around here, which makes DH happy, but there is no arguing over it either, which makes Mira happy. I agree with you Chrissy about table manners, and treating one's own kids with at least the same sort of courtesy one would afford a guest.

  7. #37267
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    Oh that takes the cake Suja!!! but too cute She's adorable.

    My father was a big one about finishing everything on your plate and to this day I really struggle with stopping even when I'm full. I'm fortunate that I'm not big, but I'm definitely carrying around an extra 10 lbs or so that I probably wouldn't if I could just learn to stop when I'm full and not 'clean my plate' all the time.

    Mama to Bobbie 20 ~ Jesi 18 ~ Syd 14 ~ Conner 6
    I'm gonna be a Gramama! Jesi is due 11/22/13


  8. #37268

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    Suja, she is gorgeous! That face!

    I admit I get on Josh's case about food sometimes. It drives me up the wall when Josh insists he's hungry and I make him something he specifically asks for and he eats two bites. I'm trying to teach him to pay attention to how hungry he is but I'm not sure if he's able to tell the difference between hungry for a snack and hungry for a meal. Other than that I don't get on his case about finishing his plate, but it usually does get thrown away unless DH is home to eat it because I'm trying to lose weight and we don't feed the pets people food.

    Jennifer I do see your point. I don't know what kind of attitude Josh had about it. I can see him asking nicely, DH refusing and then Josh immediately downspiraling and DH not wanting to give into the fit, in which case he should have just given it to him in the first place if he asked for it nicely. But yes if he's rude about it we usually don't give in.

    DH on the other grew up eating reheated food that he didn't finish the last time. I think that is gross tasting and unsanitary and I won't do it unless there really is a majority of the food left and it doesn't have to be reheated. One of the few bad parenting memories I have is my parents being strict about food too and I think that's a really crappy memory to have.

    DH grew up pretty poor though and I know they had to cut a lot of corners so I can see where they'd be stressed out about wasting food and I'm sure that even though we don't stress that much about it now, it's probably just one of those residual reactions DH has from growing up with it.
    Last edited by daylilies; 12-11-2012 at 12:55 PM.

  9. #37269

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    Quote Originally Posted by missychrissy View Post
    Oh wow, Erin that is huge! Do you think dbf will follow through with it, or just obsess for a period of time and then move on to something else?
    DH follows through with all of his obsessions lol. I was one, so I would know! He is very focused, it is one of the things I love best about him. He has already ordered study material and paid for the test he needs to take and has spoken with the program's administrators who are pushing him to get all the application portions done by Saturday, so he is going to get it done.

    He is focused on moving either to or closer to Chicago and I know that he will make it happen regardless of how it happens within the next 2 years. He hates it here in Atlanta and also his mom is 70 years old now and even though she is in really good shape (I want to be like her when I grow up!) he wants to be close to her just in case she needs some help.

    Erin

  10. #37270
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    Quote Originally Posted by Ky'sMom View Post
    DH follows through with all of his obsessions lol. I was one, so I would know! He is very focused, it is one of the things I love best about him. He has already ordered study material and paid for the test he needs to take and has spoken with the program's administrators who are pushing him to get all the application portions done by Saturday, so he is going to get it done.

    He is focused on moving either to or closer to Chicago and I know that he will make it happen regardless of how it happens within the next 2 years. He hates it here in Atlanta and also his mom is 70 years old now and even though she is in really good shape (I want to be like her when I grow up!) he wants to be close to her just in case she needs some help.

    Erin
    That's a worthy reason, for sure.

    Well good luck to him! I have a feeling he'd make a great teacher.

    Mama to Bobbie 20 ~ Jesi 18 ~ Syd 14 ~ Conner 6
    I'm gonna be a Gramama! Jesi is due 11/22/13


  11. #37271
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    OMG Suja that is great. And she's just beautiful (she reminds me of my bff's almost 2 yr old).

    Well I can say that I was never made to clean the plate and our meals growing up were really stress free and fun. And I was a chubby kid that grew into an obese adult. And I don't finish my plate all the time. I try to not take too much but often scrape into the trash or stick in the fridge for later.
    I don't know if DH would argue with a kid and I can't see him having a screaming match. But I can see him refusing the extra milk (if it was asked for rudely in the first place...or if a fit was started). But he is stubborn and I cannot see him giving in on principle alone. I just think that it would be more like, ok you aren't going to behave at the table....breakfast is now over.

    Will be interesting to see how it works out but I know he's not as much a softie with the girls as I am. He's not mean but is firm and the boss and they do listen to him better than me.
    Plus we both do believe that in many ways it is a dictatorship and our home isn't a democracy....kids have rights but not equal rights to adults. So it's a little different perspective. Nice thing for us is that we were raised very much the same way (at least up until he got the evil stepdad but he was already 9 by that point) and like and respect a lot of what our mom's did.

    Jennifer, 35, DH 36

  12. #37272
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    Kate, you don't like leftovers? I love leftovers but will often eat them cold or just reheat hot enough so it's safe.
    And good idea to not give the pets, especially Bo people food. Beagles are known for gaining weight too easily. Cosmo only really gets some so we can get her medicine in her and Molly gets very little. Just a taste now and than but not if she's annoying like trying to jump up, whining or putting her feet on the counter to try to smell what is up there better. She does those things and nothing for her...well other than her dog food.

    Jennifer, 35, DH 36

  13. #37273

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    Yes, dbf is big on wastefulness too. And he says no all the time just to excersize his power. I wouldn't hesitate to give my child more milk if they asked for it. It wouldn't occur to me to say no unless the circumstances were extreme, like rudeness, or purposeful wasting. My mom made me finish my plate before I left the table and I remember saying as a child that when I was a mom I would never do that. And I don't. They are people with their own thoughts and feelings and preferences. I'm not here to force them into submission. It's not always a democracy of course but I do strive to let them be them and not take issue with it unless it's hurting them or someone else.

    One thing that drives me nuts is that dbf makes a big stink (lol, pun intended) about someone forgetting to flush a turd. It's always Savana. In her defense, if it's yellow we let it mellow so she likely doesn't have that auto reflex to flush so she forgets often. Now, if I see it and she's still right there I will remind her but if she's gone off and is doing her own thing, I flush it, and then tell her later that I flushed for her and she should try to remember. Now dbf. He will call her from downstairs and call her out in front of the whole family and MAKE her come up and flush it. I look at it the same as when he scolds me for leaving my closet door open or my shoes on the floor. Just freaking join the community buddy and take care of it. Lol. That was a huge tangent but one of those choose your battles scenarios. I he clearly doesn't understand the absolute sacredness of the times where the kids are downstairs playing in harmony. I wouldn't dream of calling them up for much at all and certainly not to flush the darn toilet. I barely want to call them up for dinner and bedtime when they're happy down there. Mommy break!

  14. #37274
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    How do you not do those things to your dbf? I know he likely leaves things behind...you should start calling for him to come right now to clean them up.

    Mama to Bobbie 20 ~ Jesi 18 ~ Syd 14 ~ Conner 6
    I'm gonna be a Gramama! Jesi is due 11/22/13


  15. #37275
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    I think that has got to be so hard when your styles are so vastly different. God when we got Molly, we disagreed so much that we almost said forgot having a child and dropping out of the adoption agency. And it wasn't like what we wanted was THAT different....it was truly minor differences in style. I agree with the end result we want but it's like he's a 9 on strictness and I'm a 7. So we work and talked and talked more and talked some more to get me closer to an 8 and him down to 8.

    Jennifer, 35, DH 36

  16. #37276

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    Yup, it's hard. My biggest stress.

  17. #37277

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    I like leftovers but not from a portion that's already been eaten from, know what I mean? I'll take leftovers from a pot or casserole pan but not put an unfinished plate in the fridge and eat from it the next day!

    And I totally agree with you Bridget! Josh often doesn't flush and I just do it for him if he's busy.

  18. #37278

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    I also take issue with the fact that he doesn't bathe them, read to them, help them brush their teeth, make them food to eat, help them carry out their chores, teach them to read, wash their faces, change their diapers....but watch out if someone forgets to flush the toilet or leaves a light on and he puts his parenting pants on.

  19. #37279
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    Quote Originally Posted by Bridget View Post
    I also take issue with the fact that he doesn't bathe them, read to them, help them brush their teeth, make them food to eat, help them carry out their chores, teach them to read, wash their faces, change their diapers....but watch out if someone forgets to flush the toilet or leaves a light on and he puts his parenting pants on.
    Grrrr.....

    I can't believe I kept forgetting to say...I'm taking Jesi to another of her friend's funerals. Another suicide. Who knew this would be the new norm? This student went to the charter school in Ithaca Jesi attended for 2 years.

    Mama to Bobbie 20 ~ Jesi 18 ~ Syd 14 ~ Conner 6
    I'm gonna be a Gramama! Jesi is due 11/22/13


  20. #37280
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    Oh my goodness, Chrissy! That's just so sad; I don't know what to say. I do not want this to become the new normal. Ugh. I have to say, though, working with middle school kids, I have realized how absolutely brutal the tween and teen years are!

    Bridget, I got a pang of sadness reading about how you pretty much do everything for your kids; they must feel a bit sad about their dad not helping out. My 2 absolutely love it when DH does things with them that I'd normally do, like taking Travis to karate. DH finishes work early some times to take him and Travis will jump around all jubilantly shouting, "DADDY'S COMING TO KARATE WITH MEEEE!" and Cash can be a daddy's boy as well.

    L, I'm sorry your dad said that to you; I agree with everyone else. From what you've said about him in the past, he is very nonchalant about the whole safety issue, so his opinion on parenting wouldn't mean a whole lot to me.

    You guys, I've been invited to an interview for that teaching program I've applied to!!!! Aaaah! I'm now in freak out mode! Eeek! Excited!

  21. #37281

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    Yes, I think someday he will look back and wish he'd done things differently. But I cannot nag any longer. It is what it is.

    Yeah, Ash! I am so excited for you. When is the interview?

    Um...tmi here but Savana just hollered to me, "MOM!! I found a little package and when I opened it, it has a little bottle top inside it!"
    I came out of the kitchen to see and it was a CONDOM! Lol omg! She said she found it under the couch. I can't stop giggling every time I think about it.

  22. #37282

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    LOL at "the package" !!!!

    And Ash GOOD LUCK!!! Very excited for you and your interview and hoping for the best!!

    Erin

  23. #37283
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    7th January.....pray for me, guys......lol...

  24. #37284

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    Good luck Ash!
    Chrissy, I'm sorry, that is so sad.
    Bridget, ha ha! What did you say to her about the condom?

  25. #37285

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    I was like, "Well, we don't need bottle tops do we?", swiped them up and threw them away. She said, "Can I keep it?" and I said i didn't want Sawyer to start thinking about bottles. Lol. On the spot!

  26. #37286
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    I can see doing what your DBF did, Bridget. Especially with a child S's age. I am fairly strict in terms of having things put back in their place, taking care of one's stuff, having good care of self and environment, that sort of thing. Part of it is that what is left undone becomes my responsibility, since I do pretty much everything in the house, and I don't want to make more work for myself. Part of it is living in the same house as my brother, who had terrible hygiene, and did not take care of his stuff or the shared environment. The more we did for him, the more he expected us to do. He did not start being a halfway decent human being until he was in his thirties, and while still a pig, at least he is more aware of the work he makes for others. I know that I would NOT want to live with someone like that, and maybe I'm overly concerned with DD turning out to be an entitled little diva (the diva seems to have been there from birth).

    Ash, lots of luck to you. I know you'll do great!

  27. #37287
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    Quote Originally Posted by missychrissy View Post
    I don't 'get' why someone, just because they're the adult, gets to 'dictate' how everything is. I think respect is earned, and it's earned by being respectful. After having 4 kids and seeing just about everything, parents that do what Kate's dh did over a splash of milk simply look more childish (to me) than the child. At the end of the day, it's seriously not worth the battle. Just give him some more milk like you would for a neighbor that's over for company and move on with your day.
    Totally agree. I got an ad to attend a workshop on feeding for kids with sensory issues (speech therapists work on feeding, although I never do) and the topic was building a trust relationship between parent and child when it comes to eating. I'd love to go but it's $400. I can't help but think they way my parents were with food (eat this because I said so) is the worst thing they could have done. I refused to eat anything at all and weighed 25lbs at 5 years. If they had been more flexible and made it more fun, it would not have been such a negative in our household. As my coworker says kids can control three things: eating, talking, and pooping. There is very little else in their lives they can control. Don't fight with them about it.

    Quote Originally Posted by AmeriBrit View Post
    Oh my goodness, Chrissy! That's just so sad; I don't know what to say. I do not want this to become the new normal. Ugh. I have to say, though, working with middle school kids, I have realized how absolutely brutal the tween and teen years are!

    Bridget, I got a pang of sadness reading about how you pretty much do everything for your kids; they must feel a bit sad about their dad not helping out. My 2 absolutely love it when DH does things with them that I'd normally do, like taking Travis to karate. DH finishes work early some times to take him and Travis will jump around all jubilantly shouting, "DADDY'S COMING TO KARATE WITH MEEEE!" and Cash can be a daddy's boy as well.

    L, I'm sorry your dad said that to you; I agree with everyone else. From what you've said about him in the past, he is very nonchalant about the whole safety issue, so his opinion on parenting wouldn't mean a whole lot to me.

    You guys, I've been invited to an interview for that teaching program I've applied to!!!! Aaaah! I'm now in freak out mode! Eeek! Excited!
    So happy for you!

    Chrissy, I don't know if you remember how much I used to complain about the office staff last year. Have you noticed I don't anymore? It's called an incredibly good administrative secretary. Really, it makes an office succeed or fail and everyone's happiness is caught up in it. I our new girl.
    Me (39) DH (46) & furbabies * m/c 7/08 4/12 11/12

  28. #37288
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    Quote Originally Posted by AmeriBrit View Post
    Oh my goodness, Chrissy! That's just so sad; I don't know what to say. I do not want this to become the new normal. Ugh. I have to say, though, working with middle school kids, I have realized how absolutely brutal the tween and teen years are!

    Bridget, I got a pang of sadness reading about how you pretty much do everything for your kids; they must feel a bit sad about their dad not helping out. My 2 absolutely love it when DH does things with them that I'd normally do, like taking Travis to karate. DH finishes work early some times to take him and Travis will jump around all jubilantly shouting, "DADDY'S COMING TO KARATE WITH MEEEE!" and Cash can be a daddy's boy as well.

    L, I'm sorry your dad said that to you; I agree with everyone else. From what you've said about him in the past, he is very nonchalant about the whole safety issue, so his opinion on parenting wouldn't mean a whole lot to me.

    You guys, I've been invited to an interview for that teaching program I've applied to!!!! Aaaah! I'm now in freak out mode! Eeek! Excited!
    I think I'm as upset as Jesi is and I didn't know this child. But as a mother, and a mother of kids that have lost so many (this is 6, I think?) to suicide. I only remember losing 3 friends throughout my childhood. 2 car accidents and 1 housefire. wtf is going on?

    I'm very excited for you about your interview.

    Quote Originally Posted by Bridget View Post
    Yes, I think someday he will look back and wish he'd done things differently. But I cannot nag any longer. It is what it is.

    Yeah, Ash! I am so excited for you. When is the interview?

    Um...tmi here but Savana just hollered to me, "MOM!! I found a little package and when I opened it, it has a little bottle top inside it!"
    I came out of the kitchen to see and it was a CONDOM! Lol omg! She said she found it under the couch. I can't stop giggling every time I think about it.


    Quote Originally Posted by Bridget View Post
    I was like, "Well, we don't need bottle tops do we?", swiped them up and threw them away. She said, "Can I keep it?" and I said i didn't want Sawyer to start thinking about bottles. Lol. On the spot!
    Very quick and clever!

    Quote Originally Posted by Gwenn View Post
    Totally agree. I got an ad to attend a workshop on feeding for kids with sensory issues (speech therapists work on feeding, although I never do) and the topic was building a trust relationship between parent and child when it comes to eating. I'd love to go but it's $400. I can't help but think they way my parents were with food (eat this because I said so) is the worst thing they could have done. I refused to eat anything at all and weighed 25lbs at 5 years. If they had been more flexible and made it more fun, it would not have been such a negative in our household. As my coworker says kids can control three things: eating, talking, and pooping. There is very little else in their lives they can control. Don't fight with them about it.



    So happy for you!

    Chrissy, I don't know if you remember how much I used to complain about the office staff last year. Have you noticed I don't anymore? It's called an incredibly good administrative secretary. Really, it makes an office succeed or fail and everyone's happiness is caught up in it. I our new girl.
    I do remember your horror stories-it would make me dislike her because I know how important a job like that is and she was really making a mess of things. I'm so glad you got a better assistant! Woo hoo!!!

    Mama to Bobbie 20 ~ Jesi 18 ~ Syd 14 ~ Conner 6
    I'm gonna be a Gramama! Jesi is due 11/22/13


  29. #37289

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    I recall losing two classmates as a kid-one had some kind of terminal illness, I can't remember exactly what. The other was crossing the street and was hit by a car. I never knew anyone who killed themselves, when I was a kid.

  30. #37290

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    Sorry to bring the conversation down more, I kind of went down memory lane there. I just watched a movie today that reminds me of one of them!

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