Secular Confessions

[Gwenn]

Ash, I agree about T. Not sure why they insist on him volunteering as the way of demonstrating what he knows, especially at his age. If the small group allows them to keep better tabs on what he is learning and not give him poor grades because he doesn't volunteer, I see that as a good thing. But you are right, he won't transfer that to a group of 35. If that's what they are trying it won't work. Still, I'd personally prefer to have him in the small group.

[missychrissy]

I nearly forgot about my book club thingy with my former coworkers (the therapists). It's at 4:00 and my first time seeing most of them since I was laid off in December 2004. I had to rush everyone out of my house. How rude.

[Cosmosmom]

How was it Chrissy?


Uggg it's still snowing. Waiting for DH to wake up and we will go out and shovel and snow blow. he's supposed to work tonight but not sure that he's going to be able to get out of our subdivision. Police are urging people not to travel and residential plowing isn't supposed to start until after midnight.

And i was working on making my xmas cards....but ran out of adhesive. I have some glue but like the adhesive so much better. Probably will be a few days until I can get to Joanns or Micheal's though.

[missychrissy]

How much are you supposed to get Jennifer? We still haven't had any snow. Well, one morning we had 1 inch but that's nothing for upstate NY. It's looking like a 2nd mild winter for us and as much as I hate winter, it does concern me. I wonder if climate change isn't happening at a faster rate than they realize. It's only a matter of time before this really bites us in the butt. It cannot be good.

The book club meeting was a lot of fun. I cannot believe it's been 8 years since I worked with them (there were 2 new members that started tonight as well that I didn't work with). Bernie and Jill were two of my all-time favorite people in my life so it's wonderful to reconnect with them. Barb had given us Spree, our last yellow cat. Judy I spent a lot of time with on 9/11 while she was trying to get in touch with her daughter or son in law because they worked in NYC-her son-in-law in the Twin Towers so she was a mess. I remember being near panic myself thinking, "You're the therapist! Calm down because I can't help you!!!" But somehow I did. Well...I was there with her through it.

I forgot how 'intellectual' they really are and I realized they're always therapists. Everything they do, even reading books, is about people and being human. Bernie talked about a book that the main question was, "Is it hard to be you?" and Barb talked about how as a therapist, if it's written in a way that psychologically doesn't seem feasible, she gives up. They also read a lot to keep up with their work. Sometimes they don't even have time to read for fun because they're studying too much on a new therapy or approach. They're very genuine and give 100% of their lives to helping others.

I'm not a fan of the other two that started tonight. It's not just because I don't have a history with them either. The first thing we did was talk about the types of books we prefer. The lady said she almost exclusively reads Christian books. She's a therapist too. Glad she's not mine And her husband didn't follow protocol at all and seemed to want to change how they do things. They've had their little book club for 10 years and I felt very honored to be invited in and wouldn't dream of changing something that's obviously worked for them. He's already questioned why they don't give the ending of the book, because a really well written book is more than just the ending (true, but how many books have significant endings?) and then he went ahead and read bits out of a book he brought with him (no one else had done that). He wanted to talk about it and it was from some Moslow "expert" that wrote on how to approach friends that were doing things you didn't approve of. I sat there looking at this guy like...wtf? Apparently a number of times he's broached the topic with friends that were making choices he didn't approve of and he couldn't figure out that although they were longterm friendships with 'roots that go deep,' just suggesting to the friend that they were doing something that displeased him ended their friendship. He didn't understand why and thought this book would help him be able to tell friends they were wrong in a way that would 1) make the friend do what he thought they should do and 2) not end the friendship.

I dunno, it didn't feel very 'book club' like on his end, but rather "let me read this and prove I'm right" He's also a therapist and his wife was nodding her head in agreement with him. Ugh. They drive me nuts already

But I'll keep going because the rest of them are awesome. Candy wasn't able to attend tonight but she's another regular that I dearly miss. She does the case management side and that's another job I actually thought would suit me very well. Maybe some day.

[Cosmosmom]

Chrissy we were supposed to get like 6 inches. Got about 15 inches. Streets are not in good shape but DH drove me into work. Had we not gotten the van, I would still be at home. My boss didn't make it in and my assistant didn't so I am all alone today.

Sounds like a good time though definitely a different kind of book club.

[Bridget]

We just got back from Madison to see the xmas tree in the capital building and there was an atheist display! It said "The reason for the season in heathen!" LOL. They had a little display showing evolution which my kids recognized from our history book and Kai yelled, pointing to the fish-like creature "It's our 1 billion times great grandfather!" Haha! He cracks me up. I was like, "See? We aren't the only ones that don't believe in God!"
And yay! I just got an email from another homeschool mom in my town that she is organizing an indoor play day and possibly a homeschool martial arts class at the studio she works at. I'm so happy about that!
I'm glad we got snow. If it's going to be cold. I want snow. Dbf is being his normal scroogy self for xmas and I couldn't get him to take a family trip to get our tree and when I tried to brag to him how I toned down my list for the kids he mumbled something about them being spoiled (which they are NOT). I took them to fleet farm last week to buy gifts for a local empty stocking club for children and they saw these dogs called "furreal pets". Heard of them? Obnoxious made in china barking and walking dogs. They fell in love. Both of them have been talking about them ever since. So I went and got them and that is not something I would normally do but in their ongoing game they play it's with every single stuffed animal they have so I know they'll use them and love them. Of course all dbf says is how he is so surprised that I would buy them since I say I won't buy toys made in China. Ok dude. Stop trying to call me out. I do have my convictions but I'm not going to be such an extremist that I can't just relax and buy my kids a silly toy once i awhile. All I thought it how happy they will be because it's so unlike anything else they have. *sigh. Whatever. We're going to get our tree this afternoon or tomorrow.

[AmeriBrit]

I've seen those Furreal things! I wanted to get Travis one but we already have gotten him loads, so I'll probably just wait and get him one for his birthday instead. And that is so cool that you saw the atheist display! It really irritates me when people say that reason for the season. I feel like saying, 'so, explain the whole tree thing to me then!'

An update on the Travis school thing: his teacher rang me today and told me that the teacher who runs his intervention group is her teaching assistant and is in her classroom most of the time, so he is making sure that Travis and a few others are up to speed on maths and that after he works with them and knows that they know certain things, he can point out in class when Travis and the others can volunteer an answer, so I was happy with that explanation!

[Suja]

Awright guys, need a little interpretation help. How would you read this?

"1 pound very thin short noodles, boiled until barely tender and thoroughly drained" I'm reading it as one pound of noodles (dry), but DH says it is one pound of noodles (cooked, which I currently have no way to measure accurately). Also, what's you idea of 'thin short noodles'? I was thinking angel hair pasta, but that's not technically "noodles", right?

[girlwonder]

one pound dry, angel hair would work. or fidelio noodles.

how's Mira?

[Suja]

She woke up yesterday, all smiles. She told me she was all better, and asked if her favorite teacher was all better too (I ended up telling her that she is not well on Friday as well, because Mira was getting hysterical about going to school). Went to school no problem today. Thank you for asking.

I need to look up fidelio noodles. And make sure that it's got no eggs.

[Cosmosmom]

One pound dry and I would probably use vermicelli.

OMG at your DBF Bridget! Seriously just because a person has convictions and beliefs doesn't mean that we stick to them 100% of the time!

[missychrissy]

Bridget-yay on the atheist setup! That's wonderful. Boo to dbf. Again He's a piece of work! lol

Ash, that makes sense about the assistant being able to help assist with Travis 'volunteering' the answer. I hope he doesn't get nervous though. As a former shy student, my heart pangs for him a bit.

I've had a crazy-busy night but in a good way. One of my therapist buddies needed some help with her computer so I stopped after work. We got to talking and catching up and the next thing I knew it was 8:30! I'm feeling like I might actually have friends. I mean, ones I can visit irl. No offense to you guys of course. And as soon as I got home, I had messages from another one of the therapists waiting for me. I really felt in my niche when I worked with them and it's just really, really nice to know the feelings were mutual and they're as excited to have me back in their life as I am to be there.

[3andMe]

I am back. Noodles would be measured dry.

Dad was here during the weekend. He missed his plane on Friday night (even though I called to remind him to be on time for it) and called me to ask him to find alternate flights. Our family get-together was on Saturday. Other than that, he kept asking me what the plan was, although when I'd asked him before his arrival if he wanted me to make plans or figure out what to do, he said we should wait until he got there. So I felt totally disorganized. A family friend tried to serve our kids ice cream for dessert even though they didn't eat any dinner. DH took it away. This friend should know better, since he has tried to offer them candy in front of us several times in the past and we have told him we don't give them sweets often (#1), and that it's not okay to ask permission in front of the kids themselves if it's something tempting that we might normally turn down (#2), because it either disappoints the kids and makes us look mean or feels like blackmail.

Dad told me that DD is developing a fear of public bathrooms and the dark and of being chased because DH and I have instilled a culture of fear in our children. That he has never seen other parents so often urge caution about so many things, or give so many warnings about all the bad things that can happen. He says he hears me all the time say things like, "Be careful, you could fall down and hurt yourself." I might point out hazards, like when DS was standing on the edge of a cliff that was eroding down into a stream that had orange caution cones all around it. I showed him how all the ground had gotten soft and was falling down into the creek below. I don't think I ever say things like "You could fall down and hurt yourself." And DS isn't scared of anything. I point out all kinds of things, just making observations about the world around us. I am not hands-off, but I think I make fairly neutral and calm observations and let them draw their own conclusions mostly; and also I don't think DD is scared of hurting herself. In general, other parents tend to think we are some of the riskier people at playgrounds. Dad did admit he might know some different kinds of parents, but it was not a good conversation. After he left, I kind of sobbed into DH's shoulder and he told me that I should just take it for the ridiculous statement that it was.

[missychrissy]

Oh L. Your dad should just let you be. You're a wonderful mother.

[daylilies]

I'm sorry he said that L. He obviously didn't know what he was talking about, but I know when parents say that kind of stuff to you even if it's untrue it's still hurtful to be judged like that.

[Gwenn]

L. We all know that is obviously not true.

[Bridget]

No way is that true and from what you have told us, he is the extreme to the other end of that spectrum so let's just assume his perspective is skewed. It brought tears to my eyes that he made you sob. Hugs to you, my friend.

[3andMe]

The kind of parents he knows are the kind of people who snowboard down Mt. Everest for the first time. Really. I know them. Or do the first whitewater raft trip down an uncharted river in Africa. There is a reason my dad has articles written about him in magazines that call him dangerous. Still, I think all of us yearn for approval from our parents in some way or another, and I don't like to be characterized as a helicopter parent.

I was telling DH tonight that I spent the first few years of our kids' life feeling perfectly justified in all of the decisions I was making for our kids' well-being, and now it's so easy to question myself. I didn't worry about whether or not I was doing the wrong thing with breastfeeding or co-sleeping. We kind of chuckled and said that now that they are having fears and behavior problems it's a lot easier to wonder whether or not we're doing the right thing. It's so nebulous, this parenting thing.

[Bridget]

Amen to that, L.
That is my self improvement focus right now, actually. To stop questioning my choices and to stop assuming that every behavior problem my kids have is because of something I did or didn't do.

[missychrissy]

The kind of parents he knows are the kind of people who snowboard down Mt. Everest for the first time. Really. I know them. Or do the first whitewater raft trip down an uncharted river in Africa. There is a reason my dad has articles written about him in magazines that call him dangerous. Still, I think all of us yearn for approval from our parents in some way or another, and I don't like to be characterized as a helicopter parent.

I was telling DH tonight that I spent the first few years of our kids' life feeling perfectly justified in all of the decisions I was making for our kids' well-being, and now it's so easy to question myself. I didn't worry about whether or not I was doing the wrong thing with breastfeeding or co-sleeping. We kind of chuckled and said that now that they are having fears and behavior problems it's a lot easier to wonder whether or not we're doing the right thing. It's so nebulous, this parenting thing.

All good parents do that to themselves. Especially moms.

...and yay for them for being so 'brave' but there is such a thing as risk taking behavior, and that in itself indicates some personality issues. I can't remember what, exactly, but I do remember it being documented in therapy charts so it can't indicate a good thing. (that's my basis for judgement on a lot of things-would this be documented in a therapist's chart? If so, it cannot be good!).

The reality is we get to raise our kids our way. You do a wonderful job. Absolutely no one gets through childhood without quirks and phases here and there. Parenting is a process...we simply help our kids from one phase to the next. There's no magic bubble or 'perfect' instructions to follow that will give our kids perfect little lives. You ARE doing an above average job L. You should know that many of us moms look to you as an example to follow. I know I wish you were around when I was raising Bobbie and Jesi.

Amen to that, L.
That is my self improvement focus right now, actually. To stop questioning my choices and to stop assuming that every behavior problem my kids have is because of something I did or didn't do.

And that's just it-our kids will go through stuff regardless of our parenting. I honestly don't think any of us are 'doing' anything to our kids (in the negative way). They're just kids and they're still learning about themselves and the world around them. We're giving them skills and tools to use in real life.

I had a very brief conversation with Bobbie last night. She always tries to message me when I'm getting ready to go to bed. The guy she's renting a room from encouraged her to look for an administrative assistant job. In his words, they're "the lowest of the low," just barely above a cashier. It was all I could do to refrain from seriously tweaking out about that. I did say that was condescending, rude, and an inaccurate assessment of administrative assistants. He's an engineer for Lockheed Martin, so I guess he thinks he's above everyone. I'd love to make him work as one for 6 months.

I made a couple disparaging remarks about that, but then encouraged her to apply for some entry level clerical work. I know she can do it, but I hate how he presented it to her What a douche.

[Ky'sMom]

L, big hugs about your dad. I agree with your DH but understand your desire to look good in the eyes of your dad. If anything, he is the one at fault for not seeing what a great mom you are. You do a lot of interesting and cool things with your kids and if I were the comparing type, I'd think you were much better than me and I am one who lets kids wander off. I actually see myself as a somewhat lazy mom because of it lol. But I'm okay with that. It took me a while to get over my aversion to crafty things and eating dinner with kids especially and I still don't like doing crafty things and I still rarely eat at the same table as my kids during dinner and people have told me (including my mom and other older relatives) that it is vital that I eat at the same table with them. I have tried it and I don't like it and it is a hassle and it makes me not enjoy their company, plus I just like eating alone so I leave them and DH to eat and I figure it won't damage them too much, me not being at the table.

And FWIW, when you described what your dad said about your DD - that she is afraid of things I was like He must be talking of some other girl with how you describe her she doesn't seem afraid of the world, none of your kids do. They seem really adventurous and spirited IMO.

Chrissy, I hope Bobbie takes your advice about the clerical job. I have also had people comment about Admin work being the "lowest of the low." I don't mind doing it though. A few of my relatives said I am too smart to do it and that I should do more, but honestly, I was fine doing it while I was. It was an easy (to me) job and I don't mind being in a supportive role. It is MUCH easier than fast food or janitorial or CNA work and you get paid more. Methinks her roommate/friend is just full of himself. I cannot believe that he never had any other job save an engineering one with Lockheed. Bobbie is only 19 and a new adult and will not get to be top executive for a while yet. And besides, if she gets in a clerical office in a business she likes, it may be a lucrative thing for her and she can make some networking connections. I started at my current job as a receptionist and have met a ton of people here, learned a lot about many facets of property management, construction project management, procurement, all sorts of things. I previously worked in medical offices, accounting offices (which led me to the banking industry career before I went back to school and had Elle) legal offices, HR (which I also do at my current job) all sorts of fields. Admin work is a good way to test the waters so to speak. I have met a lot of people. She can even look to you with your group of therapist book club. Didn't you say you worked in a clerical fashion there? It opened a door for you. Plus, like I said, it is easier than other entry level jobs and most pay more than other entry level jobs so good luck to her.

Bridget, glad you had a good time in Madison and that is great about the heathen exhibit. I hope the other homeschooling mama works out and that you two will be the start of a great homeschool network in your town.

Speaking of homeschooling, I didn't mention to you ladies, that DH, on his quest to leave Atlanta has now applied to a teacher training program in Chicago that will train him to be a teacher in underperforming, bad neighborhoods. It will also allow him to get a Master's Degree in Education at no cost. So now he has something else to obsess about as my DH likes to find things to obsess about. I think it is cute - his obsessions but they kind of get on my nerves since he usually is worried about some aspect of them and will keep asking me questions and wanting my input on whatever his obsession is. He has to take a teacher certification exam and will take it in January so wants me to "create a study plan" for him . It is so weird the things people ask me to do for them IMO. I have never had anyone create a study plan for me, I just study. I am starting to realize, via the new admin assistant we just hired at my job and some issues that are going on with my aunt here, that too many people are not proactive in their decisions and actions. It is making me once again focus on making sure my kids are "doers" and can make decisions themselves and do things themselves without my input. But anyway, DH would have to move to Chicago if he gets this position. I have told him it was a bad time to apply to this program since I am putting out so many grad school applications and if I get into ANY of the schools I applied to, except GSU (our local university) then I will be making a decision about where I'm going and we will go to whatever school has the best package. I am not confident I'll get into any of the good schools but it is just reminding me how in a way, DH is too competitive with me. I don't compare myself to him in regards to anything in everyday life, but it seems he looks at what I'm doing and tries to do something either the same or better than me so since I took a test and am applying for schools he has to take a test and apply for this program. I am hoping that is not the case, but I can't help but wonder sometimes, since it seems he is always trying to "one up" me. The requirements for this program aren't all that difficult so I am confident DH can get in if he has the confidence. He has a low level of confidence in himself and his abilities, especially academically and on standardized test, and I do feel that in a way his lack of confidence (and my new admin AND my aunt's) is the reason why he cannot see how he can create his own study plan.

But anyway, if we moved to Chicago for this program, I would have to put Ky probably in the home based Charter school in IL so he would do homeschool for a year. Something I also planned on doing if DH had been selected for the firefighter job. They have a great network of Magnet, Selective Enrollment, Classical, and Charter schools in Chicago but on the south side, where DH's mom lives, practically all the regular neighborhood schools are crap and I wouldn't put Ky in one of those schools. You have to apply for all of the above "other" types of schools in December for the next school year and so we would be applying now if we wanted him to go to one next year. Ky does not want to leave here though. He loves his school. Plus they are planning a trip to Costa Rica next year for the 6th graders and he wants to go (as do I as I would not let him go without me!).

Erin

[missychrissy]

Oh wow, Erin that is huge! Do you think dbf will follow through with it, or just obsess for a period of time and then move on to something else?

I didn't mind being an administrative assistant either. I worked hard, and found it quite fulfilling. There are varying levels of responsibility, but I'd never consider an admin assist as 'the lowest of the low' It galls me every time I think about it. The pompous ass.

I your outlook on everything Erin.

[Cosmosmom]

L you definitely not even close to a helicopter parent. You are just a reasonable responsible one. Seriously I helicopter my dogs more than you do with your kids.....I am going to have to really put in effort I think to not do it too much to the future kid because I will drive my DH batty I think. It is reasonable to warn a child about hazards. You sound like a pretty fantastic parent.
And really I tell my DH this all the time because he worries about not being a good enough parent.....but there isn't a perfect parent. My were great but not perfect. His mom was pretty good but not perfect. He turned out pretty well. I turned out pretty well. That really the best thing a person can do that will make them a pretty good parent is to love their kids and spend time with them.

I love my admin assistant. She has been with the library longer than I have and I really respect her thoughts and opinions on our space and operations.

[missychrissy]

I think you're a good balance between the extremes L. From the perspective of someone who wouldn't have limits, you might appear to be a 'helicopter' parent, but to a real helicopter parent I'm sure you'd like like a 'risk taker' with your kids. His perception is just skewed, that's all.

[daylilies]

My mom was an administrative assistant for years with Coldwell Banker after she decided being a realtor was too demanding of her time-talk about a job you take home with you! She was good at the AA position and she never complained about it being too low for her. Sadly the location she was at downsized and she got laid off a few years ago. I think it must take a lot of organization and focus to do what she did-basically doing everyone's work for them. That's what she made it sound like, anyway.

Josh is showing some glimmers of compassion in his sudden streak of stubbornness. Last night my stomach was upset and I was putting him to bed and I laid next to him and we listened to some music like we always do. We listened to a couple songs and then he said "I'm going to let you go take a shower now, because showers make you feel better and if you go early you can take a really long shower and feel even betterer." I almost cried.

[Cosmosmom]

Awww that is so sweet of Josh!

[Suja]

Just a quick note to say that half the time anyone critiques the parenting skills of any of you wonderful moms here, I feel like telling them to send the "critique-r" this way. I can pretty much show them the worse scenerios of 'all of the above'. For instance, if there were a contest for helicopter parents, DH would take it in a walk.

[missychrissy]

My mom was an administrative assistant for years with Coldwell Banker after she decided being a realtor was too demanding of her time-talk about a job you take home with you! She was good at the AA position and she never complained about it being too low for her. Sadly the location she was at downsized and she got laid off a few years ago. I think it must take a lot of organization and focus to do what she did-basically doing everyone's work for them. That's what she made it sound like, anyway.

Josh is showing some glimmers of compassion in his sudden streak of stubbornness. Last night my stomach was upset and I was putting him to bed and I laid next to him and we listened to some music like we always do. We listened to a couple songs and then he said "I'm going to let you go take a shower now, because showers make you feel better and if you go early you can take a really long shower and feel even betterer." I almost cried.

Awwww...how sweet is that?!


Administrative Assistants work hard. Every one of them. And you can't be a brainless twit to be a successful one.

[daylilies]

This morning DH picked a fight with Josh. I was upstairs still sleeping (usually we trade off who gets to sleep in since Josh is still a very early riser) and I heard Josh screaming. Later DH told me Josh had asked for more milk in his cereal and DH refused to give it to him because he didn't want to waste milk. Seriously, you'd rather upset Josh than risk wasting a splash of milk?

So instead, Josh didn't finish the cereal and we wasted that! Sigh...

[missychrissy]

Ugh, sometimes I swear men simply do not know the meaning of 'choose your battles.' If he'd just dumped a little splash in, likely Josh would have been happy and all if it would have been eaten (and drank). Did you ask your dh what the whole point of that was? Simply the 'need to be right?'