Secular Confessions

[missychrissy]

Would he rather you screamed at him about it? Because I think I might have...especially since this is an ongoing thing with him. If he doesn't want you to laugh at him, then he shouldn't act 'stupid' and just change his son when he stinks. See...it's simple.

[Bridget]

I know but here's the kicker. When I read those lists about "abuse" and too much critical comments and such it's like, "Does your partner tell you it's your fault that you get angry?" Like if you wouldn't ACT stupid I wouldn't TREAT you like your stupid! Lol now that sounds abusive! But ****ed if it's not truth in this case.

[missychrissy]

I get what you're saying but it's a whole different scenario. If you had that attitude with him when he was truly learning a new thing, well yeah...that would be abusive. But Sawyer isn't your first child. And it's not the first circumstance where dbf has made a comment about something that needs to be attended to that he's fully capable of attending to himself.

[3andMe]

Labelled ...the ...(can't stop laughing) ...shelves!?! Bwahahahaha!! That's almost as bad as my sister. Almost, not quite. Once we came to visit and she had the entire bathroom covered in post-it notes letting us know which towels we could use and reminding us to please turn the sink off all the way after washing our hands.

I'm not sure if you can read this as well as you need to, and I'm pretty sure it will incriminate us, but this is from a party at my aunt and uncle's house. This is my sister's arm, but it gets much worse as you will soon read.



We actually went so far as to take pictures of my naked bottom in front of (but not touching) the towels we were instructed to not use. It was just so shocking and so offensive to read that note, I wanted to rebel. I ended up starting a brief photo journal of me and my naked rear end in front of hand towels (again, not touching) at various parties in various houses over the next few months. Aren't you glad I shared the publicly appropriate photo?

[missychrissy]

You are a riot L! Too funny!

It's lost on me...why would someone have towels out if they couldn't be used?

[Gwenn]

Too funny! I love that you have a picture to show for it! And that you showed us the non NSFW pic.

In my sister's defense, she was labeling which towels we were allowed to use after showering ... But seriously, the ENTIRE bathroom was covered with post-its. Too bad it was before the days of cell phone cameras.

[Cosmosmom]

Chrissy, those towels are for decoration only. LOL Personally I really like to put out pretty towels when company comes over and do believe that they are meant to be used.
L that is too funny!

Bridget, it's hard to look at someone else without putting your own bias and experience in there.....but I kind of do think that you both are kind of critical of each other and nag on each other. It's just about different things....him it's housework, you the kids. This isn't to say that he's not an idiot about some things. It's so easy to do and not realize it. And when you do get called out for being stupid, I think most of us do get defensive. I think some of that is pretty normal in long-term relationships. At least in my experience it is. I know that DH and I both nag and pick at each other and make stupid comments. And I could totally see one of us saying, I'm sorry that you took that wrong. I can almost predict that that Dh will walk into the room if I am home and say, Little Dude's butt smells. And I know I totally say things like, the litter box smells....I think one of the dogs went in there, go check it. When I am perfectly capable of doing it and picking it up. I just don't want to and kind of said that is more so his job. We fought a lot in the beginning when we had Molly because I can be bossy by nature and critical of how he did things with her. he didn't like how I did things with her so was crabby at me over the same thing in reverse. I had to learn to be quiet because what he was doing wasn't going to kill her and she is fine.
Nobody likes being criticized or being told how and when to do things. It makes you feel stupid and that you are not good enough. that said, I predict it is going to be VERY hard for me to not be up DH's with butt a baby. I will have to just try hard to reserve it when it's a true safety issue. God that is going to be soooo hard for me because he has no baby experience and I have a decent amount. And tend to think I know a lot about certain things and tend to be bossy. Not a great combo. And I like things done MY way (I actually said something to my MIL about how she was rinsing my dishes two weeks ago....oh and there was the time too that I freaked out and said "get that f****** knife away from my pan....in my defense, she has been told and reminded that I cannot use mental in certain pans yet she was going to stab the stick of butter with it.)

I'm mad at my puppy tonight. I thought she was over this and hasn't done it in a while but I heard Cosmo go in the box and got up right away to clean it up. Caught Molly eating it. Gah so disgusting. She spent time in her kennel and ended up with a good teeth brushing. She is 14 months old and I really thought she was done with this phase. Never her own, only cosmo's. And we try to limit her access.....though she was just starting to get more freedom and I was leaving her kennel open at night.

[Gwenn]

Oh, man. Puppy's latest stage is pushing past the barrier DH set up to keep him out of the kitchen and utility room. Whatever he finds in there, he gets into. Food from the trash, clothes from my laundry basket, opening the cabinet where we keep the cat food, you name it. He goes in, I get him out, pen him, wait a bit, let him,out, rinse and repeat. We had weights in front of the gate so he couldn't move it but he learned to slide them sideways. Oh, and the other day he jumped up and opened the porch door by pushing down on the handle (lever style, not a round knob). I have NEVER had a dog who could open doors before. So now DH has tried to block off the trash can and we're letting him have access to the kitchen. We'll see how that works.

[missychrissy]

I do 'get' having towels for decoration, but I'm thinking that slapping a sticky note on them saying not to use them kinda spoils the theme. But maybe that's just me. If I were so fancy to have 'special' towels that were only meant to be looked at, I guess I'd be willing to take the risk that they'd be used rather than putting a note on them. But, I'm not fancy.

[Gwenn]

I do 'get' having towels for decoration, but I'm thinking that slapping a sticky note on them saying not to use them kinda spoils the theme. But maybe that's just me. If I were so fancy to have 'special' towels that were only meant to be looked at, I guess I'd be willing to take the risk that they'd be used rather than putting a note on them. But, I'm not fancy.

Umm, yeah.

[Bridget]

I am the type of a person who firmly believes that a towel you can't use is not a towel worth having. I feel that way about everything in my house. Not a fan of "decorative", more for "useful".

[missychrissy]

I'm with you Bridget. I've bought perty towels before, but I expected them to be used.

[Cosmosmom]

Oh yeah I use my pretty towels. But certain ones are reserved for when company is coming....but than I do expect them to be used. LOL And I do tend to have some things that need to be careful around or for decor only. But sticky notes is sooo tacky!

About an hour into the drive Molly threw up. All over her blanket, all over the grids on her kennel door, on the floor of the van in front of it. Had to stop and buy wet wipes and clean it up and bag her blanket. Than she had gas. Than we stopped about an hour from my parents and she refused to potty. 5 minutes after we get back on the freeway, I smell pee. Needless to say blanket went in the wash right away and Molly got a bath soon as she got to my parents house. The other trips down she was not the best traveler but nothing like this.

[missychrissy]

Oh no, that sucks Jennifer. I don't think there's much you can do for animals that are prone to car sickness. I know with my parrot, they suggest letting them ride high enough in the car so they can see out the window, and with Bobbie her dr suggested she look as far to the horizon as possible to avoid car sickness..so I'm thinking there might be something to that.

[demigraf]

Classic towel story!!!! Perhaps she could have had the message embroidered on the towels to make them look more classy. LOL!!!

Happy Thanksgiving, all you lovely ladies. I am THANKFUL for you. (3 glasses of wine in, but still sober enough to know I sincerely mean it.)

[demigraf]

Aw, Jennifer... poor Molly!! I hope everything cleaned up ok!

[3andMe]

My towel pics were definitely before the days of cell-phone cameras, but I tended (even in those days) to bring a real camera with me to every party.

My Thanksgiving was frantic and bloody, but at least had no loose pee and no vomit. I'm so sorry, Jennifer!

S. sat down for about 30 seconds to dinner. Then ran around, despite persuasions to stay. I grabbed my plate and ran after him, down the stairs. I ate standing up, following him around as he tried to climb up lamps, turn on and off lights, and then he pushed me as I tried to stop him from unlocking the door and going outside. He got a bloody lip from pushing me over and then falling and biting his lip, so I had to chase after him to keep him from getting blood all over my sister's carpet. DH kept telling him to do things and he'd do the opposite, so finally at one point he sighed in exasperation and said, "Okay, why don't you just do somersaults all the way down the stairs?" and S. proceeded to start trying to do exactly that, the only time he did anything he was told.

My sister was complaining that no matter what time dinner is served, we always leave before dessert on Thanksgiving, and this time, with the blood and the shrieking and the running, I wanted to leave long before that point, but they served dinner right around the time we normally start getting the kids ready for bed. So we stayed a little bit longer.

I did not get to say a full sentence to anyone. My aunt would say, "Are the twins enjoying kindergarten?" and I would say, "Yes, they..." and S. would head off toward something destructive and I would have to run off.

I keep thinking it will get easier as they get older and this year it seemed harder than ever.

The kids and I did this twisted paper project this week and I had hoped it would be a multi-day project and DD was so into it that she taped more than half the leaves on in a matter of a few hours.

[Bridget]

That's a cute project, L. Sorry your day was so hectic. I feel lucky for how low stress mine was. My dad did everything. He brought turkey, stuffing, gluten free pies. All I did was make biscuits and mashed potato. Sawyer is so much less trouble for me when other people are here. He is very social and loves having new people to talk to so when my dad and bro are here, he hardly knows I exist.

[daylilies]

That is so pretty L!

You can read all about my Thanksgiving on facebook, but I didn't include everything on there. A girl I talk to almost every day on another site is missing in action. She was very distressed the night before Thanksgiving. Someone she cared for deeply betrayed her trust. She was talking about harming herself and nobody has been able to contact her since. I'm just sick about it but only one person I know of has her phone number and he's not answering the message I sent on Thanksgiving.

[missychrissy]

Oh Kate, how awful. I hope she's found. Maybe she's in a crisis center.

[daylilies]

Maybe I'm overreacting but I keep thinking about Sherry.

[Bridget]

Oh, Kate. I really hope your friend is ok.

[missychrissy]

It would be very difficult to not worry about that Kate.

[daylilies]

I'm hoping she just shut down all her social media sites in a fit of rage and when she feels better about things she'll come back.

[missychrissy]

Let's hope so.

[Suja]

Kate, I hope your friend turns out to be okay. I'm missing a friend as well, although in her case, we're fairly sure she's fine physically.

[daylilies]

I hope she is, Suja.

[demigraf]

I hope both of your friends are ok. The holidays make people do drastic things when they're depressed, and shutting out all social media is a pretty big statement for some, especially if it's their main outlet to interact socially. Was the person who betrayed her connected via those sites? If so, then maybe she was just making her statement to just that one individual. You know, the way some people put out a cryptic Facebook status that's meant to be understood by one person and everyone else is left scratching their heads? (I've never been a fan of "vaguebooking", incidentally). Hopefully, that's all that's going on. Anyway, I hope you can get some peace of mind.

As an aside, I saw movie, The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel, during Bodhi's nap yesterday and before going to Santi's for Thanksgiving dinner. Anyone else seen it? It's a feel-good story about elderly British people trying to live out their last years in India. I really enjoyed it. The cast was really wonderful.

ETA: L, that's a really beautiful art project. I love the result. And it reminds me to ask you guys if you have advice for when Bodhi's artwork doesn't turn out the way he wants it. He gets so frustrated when it doesn't look the way he intends it. He starts scribbling/painting angry slashes over his page, sometimes tears it up, throws crayons & paintbrushes on the floor and crumples the whole thing up before just starting to sob. How would you talk to your child if s/he's at that point? It's heartbreaking to see him want something so specific when I have no idea how to help him, especially when he wants to make something look realistic. The best I can think of to do is acknowledge he's frustrated, then model a chipper attitude that he can try again. Would love some more ideas for talking points when he starts having these "art tantrums". Today he tried to hit me when I told him he had to take a break from painting after one of his fits.

[3andMe]

Mylah, it IS really frustrating to not be able to do something, anything, the way you want. My kids get that way, not just with art. The other day we were at a playground and both of them tried to play softball for the first time. DD tried to hit the ball about 8 times her first time at bat, and the only time she connected, it was a foul. They finally told her that her turn was over and she walked away and then collapsed into tears. She didn't understand why she couldn't hit the ball and run around the bases the way the other kids were.

I often remind them that getting good at anything takes a lot of practice, and that always throughout their lives they will find people that are better than they are at things (and that they will be better than other people at things). For art in particular, we have some drawing books with instructions geared toward kids that have very basic things that show how to draw things. Mine are not very great at drawing compared to others their age (I don't tell them that), but they love it, and these step-by-step instructions help them learn how to create at least understandable objects and people so that others can tell they are trying to draw a jellyfish or a building or a ballerina, and I can say, "why don't we go to the book and follow the instructions and practice some more.

Anyway, while DD was in the midst of her sadness of not being able to hit the ball like a pro, I comforted her (and nicely enough, so did some of the other players), and then I reminded her that it takes a lot of practice to be able to do something like that. I reminded her that those guys had been playing and practicing for a long time to be able to hit the ball like that, and I pointed out how a lot of them were swinging and missing quite a bit of the time anyway. I then asked if she could just pick up a book and read it the first time she saw a book. Or if she could walk when she was first born. Or if I asked her right then and there, could she flip over and walk on her hands. She tried, and could not. I made a few more silly examples. By then she wanted to get back into the game.

I spend a lot of time emphasizing hard work, practice, getting back to it and starting over, exercising brains and muscles, and how it takes a lot of time and patience and more practice practice practice to get good at anything, and I really de-emphasize natural talent. I guess I absorbed that point from Outliers: 10,000 hours of practice, or 20 hours a week for 10 years, will make an expert. Especially with DD and with people always commenting on how she's a natural athlete in her presence, or with DS and how everyone talks about how he knows so much about science, I don't want them to get pegged and just decide that's what they are and not try.

For the immediate hitting and throwing and slashing, I'm at a loss. S. still does that and I have not been able to get a handle on it.

[demigraf]

Thanks for the awesome response, L! You gave me some more pointers to touch upon. We're definitely in the same ballpark. I also emphasize that I want him to always try to improve from where he's at, and I point out the things he used to be unable to do too (pooping on the toilet is still our big success story around here.).

BTW, I'm almost done w/ Malcolm Gladwell's "Blink". It is totally fascinating (about rapid, subverbal reasoning/cognition). I realize how often I have to tap into that form of thinking - I mean, we all do, but in my particular field, and by virtue of the fact that I'm a consultant, I am always walking into situations where I am having to rapidly absorb what experts know, get a handle on their needs and make a recommendation for their next step, regardless of the fact that I have no real expertise. I can't verbalize half the reasons I know why they might all say they need the same thing, but I am able to hone in on what exactly they really need. I often see my job as a healthy dose of B.S.ing, because I have to act confident when I am always the person in the room who knows the least, but the book has helped me recognize some of the tools I use to draw conclusion from very limited information, what Gladwell refers to as "thin-slicing". So I'm not as much of a bulls#!+ artist as i thought. It's a good read if you haven't already read it.