Yes! Yes! Yes! BABIES!!!
Are you close to your mom, Mandy, in the way that you share with her how much your struggle hurts you? I only ask because my mom would bait me that way in certain situations because I didn't always share my deep down feelings with her and she wanted to know so badly that she'd push the right buttons until I exploded and came out with it.
Mandy. I'm really, really hoping this is your time.
I think my posting paranoia is due to some gaslighting my 'friend' was doing to me for the last 1+ year. Someone mentioned it earlier and it kinda stuck with me all day.
Fingers crossed for you Mandy!! sorry about your mom making you feel that way. I can totally see why you and Jennifer wouldn't want to see/read about family members having babies. you two need your own babies in your arms!!
Chrissy, sorry about your friend and people around you not supporting you. Just know we are here for you to listen to you. What about your friend at work, Faye? Is she someone irl that you can count on?
Just sat here and sobbed while I watched Parenthood. It's been so long since I cried, I really let loose. I can barely see now. We are dog sitting and the dog was looking at me, are you okay, is it me?!!
Shelley-mom to DS, 5
And yes, Faye is a darling. But she has to deal with me all day long. I don't feel comfortable 'bugging' her after working with her all day. Not that she'd mind, but you know...I almost texted her tonight about Bobbie moving out. She's going to be horrified when I tell her about it in the morning.
I don't talk to anyone but you guys about most of my ****.
I posted a post this afternoon and APA ate it! Argh. I don't even remember what it said now...something about Erin's cute Ky stories, and something about Rich being tone deaf. Wish I knew. Oh well.
I vote for lots of cute Secular babies anytime. But those things happen when they happen.
D-Mama (37) D-Dada (43) and D-Baby (11/02/2011)
First of all, **TRIGGER WARNING** because this is really sad and deals with the death of a child
So. I have something I'm really struggling to process. I have always been the kind of person to have 1, or at the very most, 2 ultra close friends, and then a circle of casual acquaintances. And I would be BFFs with that friend for a few years, and then my life would take a turn and that friendship would just sort of...fade away. And eventually, a new one would take it's place. I have BFFs like most people date. So, my college/pre-first-marriage bff was probably the closest friendship of my life. And while we did grow apart, when my marriage ended and I moved back from Texas, she was here for me and we stayed in touch. Unfortunately, we were both hard-core religious at the time we were BFFs and when I began to lose my faith, she tried so hard to keep some relationship and I rejected her. I have always regretted this to an extent and think about her frequently.
Over the years, I have google stalked her from time to time, because I wonder how she is and what she is doing. I never got back in touch because I know, in reality, that we are two very, very different people now and have little common ground for a relationship. But through my google stalking I've watched her grow her very happy family of 4 beautiful children. She always wanted a big family, I could see that she was very happy and I was happy for her.
About two months ago, I started thinking about her incessantly. It had been maybe a year and a half since I last checked up on her. And off to google I went. And discovered her and her husband's blog. And guys, her four year old daughter has an inoperable and very aggressive malignant brain tumor. My heart is broken for her and her family. Since then, I think about her all the time. Her little girl is dying; in the last few weeks, she has gone downhill fast, and hospice is involved now. I want to reach out to her but I know I cannot or should not. No words I offer will mean anything to her...I no longer believe in prayer, which is now their only hope. So, I'm just feeling really sad for her and don't really know what to do with that sadness. :-( Thanks for listening/reading. I really needed to tell someone, because the whole thing makes me feel sad and guilty and confused and yucky.
D-Mama (37) D-Dada (43) and D-Baby (11/02/2011)
I think I would simply send a 'thinking of you' card with your contact information. Perhaps a blank note where you handwrite the 'thinking of you' part. I know when my brother was found to be at fault for his friend's death and it was plastered all over the news, he really felt a lot of resentment towards people that called during that period that hadn't had anything to do with him in years. He felt as if they were only looking for gossip. It probably wasn't true, but he wanted to deal with his grief alone and didn't want to talk to everyone about it and what happened.
However, I know many more people that really, REALLY need all the support they can get. I think if you send a card/note to her with your contact information then it leaves it up to her whether to reach out to you or not.
What a horrible, horrible thing for any parent to have to go through. I could not fathom.
Gosh, I don't know. But my gut tells me it doesn't have to be about what you believe or what she believes. Do what feels right to you but absolutely reach out to her if you feel compelled to. It doesn't have to matter if you believe in god or not. Her grief trumps that, I'd imagine, and I feel like any all support helps just the teeniest tiniest bit in these situations. How devastating.
I think that it would be lovely to send a note letting her know that you are grieving with/for her and that you are thinking of her. I appreciated those kinds of notes after my dad died. There's no harm in telling someone you care about them, even if you are no longer active friends.
I hope everyone who wants to have a baby this year does. Mandy, I'm sorry that your mom hurt your feelings.
I went to my strength and conditioning class tonight instead of watching the debate. Looks like I missed out! The class was very frustrating because I haven't had a shot since July and so the pain is worse and now the weakness in my right leg is coming back. So I would do a lunge and not be able to push back up from it in a controlled way because though my muscle is still strong, the nerve impulse telling my muscle to push me back up is weak. Argh. So frustrating. I think I need to find a physical therapist who can look at my MRI and tell me exactly what I can do to make my back stronger to support the broken part, how to stretch to relieve the pain, and what to not ever do to make it worse. Right now I sometimes feel weird about doing stuff, especially twisting core exercises, because I worry that I am making the problem worse.
Last edited by girlwonder; 10-17-2012 at 10:01 AM.
"Any idiot can face a crisis; it is this day-to-day living that wears you out." -Anton Chekhov
Dana, what a sad situation. I would try to reach out to her. Your support and caring is as much help as anything can be.
Katy, I hope you do go see a PT. As you said, you really don't want to do the wrong kind of exercise. I am so sorry for all the pain you are going through.
I came on here to say that DH and I went to the Chinese buffet tonight and my fortune said, "a faithful friend is a strong defense." I immediately thought of all of you.
I had Conner last night. I love that I can just say, "Conner?" and he sits right up. He asked what was going on, and when I told him it was time to get up and get ready for school he beamed.
Dana, I agree with everyone else that you should reach out to her.
Chrissy, I'm jealous. Josh bounces out of bed at 6 or 7 on his own accord, but when we bring up school he moans and groans and there's always a big struggle. Same with bedtime. It can't be good for the kid (not to mention me and DH) to start and end the day in a bad mood
I thought at the beginning that he liked school because he seemed to be doing well and I wasn't getting calls from the teacher (although I have gotten two calls about him falling or hitting his head!). But he really doesn't seem to like it. I don't want to pull him-I do not think I would be an effective homeschooler at all. I trust the teachers to give him a good experience, with my assistance. I think it just may be too structured for him. I do wish I could be a fly on the wall and see what he's like at school.
I'm really concerned about his mood and behavior actually. He rarely seems truly happy and he is so defiant and argumentative. You could tell the sky is blue and he'd argue it was more of a whitish grey. I also think he is prone to ADD because DH and I both seem to have a lot of symptoms and definitely had problems with it growing up, and I'm constantly redirecting and refocusing Josh. On the other hand he's very smart and creative and really puts his mind to the things he wants to do, but only on his own terms.
We were at a festival thing downtown the other day and they had chalk to write on the street. He crouched down and wrote out his entire first and last name without barely looking up.
I'm sorry I feel like I haven't been able to follow or contribute much lately. I keep just having a minute or two. I haven't even been able to follow everything as much as I'd like.
The twins seem to really like school for the most part, but they still moan a bit when they find out it's a school day. So does S. I have parent-teacher conferences coming up next week, so I'll find out more details.
Dana, I agree with the other ladies in that I would contact your old friend. I would probably even mention I came across the blog a long time ago and was happy about her big family, then saw it again recently and was heartbroken to hear of her daughter's illness. I think it would be nice to hear from someone who was a close friend and to know that they want to support you in a time of crisis like that. I know my DH's cousin, when she was going through her son's cancer, said it made her stronger to know she had so many people in their corner, even when they did not know initially what the outcome would be. Even though their's is not a positive diagnosis, I think that she would appreciate knowing that you are thinking about her and hoping for her family to have as much meaningful time together as they can at this point. That is such a tough situation though, as you never know how people will respond, but I would take a chance at reaching out.
Mandy, dont' know what is the deal with your mom and her comments. I would have gotten huffy with her about it in a respectful way. Probably even let her know that you and cousin don't have a good relationship and you don't have an interest really in her life as she is not important to you in any way. I think she should have understood your feelings in regards to your cousin's kids also, especially if she knows even a little bit about what you and your DH have gone through over the past few years, I'm sure she knows more than a little bit. Maybe she is jealous that you aren't trying to get into some grad program, or maybe that is her way of trying to encourage you to move up in your career and if that is the case, she needs to be direct and speak on that instead of asking if you read your cousin's blog and are you jealous of her. Your feelings are completely valid IMO and good luck on your IUI!!!
Katy, so sorry that you are having issues with your back. That must be so frustrating, especially the part about not knowing if certain exercises are causing further damage. My mom has a couple slipped disk in her back and osetoarthritis due to 20 years of factory and warehouse work. She did a suggested exercise once at a gym with a personal trainer and couldn't stand for a week. So be careful. I hope you can find a PT that can give you some good advice in regards to strengthening your back in a low impact way. I would probably speak to a sports physical therapist. My mom went to one after that happened at the gym and now she has a workout routine specifically for her condition and when she does it on a routine basis she feels much better. It involves certain swimming strokes and weight training as well as a special yoga class as her PT said some yoga/pilates classes would wreck havoc on her.
And Kate, maybe Josh is still adjusting to school. Especially since it just started, he may just be having issues with the flow of the school day. Usually they do have a way for you to observe out of sight in our schools, maybe in the gym or lunch room or even in the classroom by peeking through a door lol. But I have done it before when Ky was in kindergarten because I wanted to see how he behaved at school. I just let them know what I was doing before hand. Maybe he would benefit from a different sort of learning environment as well. From how you describe him he seems so bright and hardworking and he may benefit from a more play based environment, instead of a structured, sitting, sort of environment. I remember you saying he felt they didn't play enough. He may need more play. I don't know if you have other public options in your area but it wouldn't hurt to look around and if you haven't already, discuss more of your concerns regarding play based learning for Josh with his teacher. If he does have ADD, he would really benefit from not having to sit for carpet time or at a table messing with "manipulatives" and see if there are ways he can learn through legos instead of manipulatives or doing jumping jacks for counting or things like that. More activity basically. So sorry he is having a rough time. I want you to know from the way you describe him, he seems like such a great kid and I want the best for him at school, I want the best for all kids but since I feel I "know" him some and when you spoke of how he wanted to go play with some toys at school instead of do their structured activity, I felt bad for him as whatever he wanted to play with probably had all of his attention and I'm sure it angered him not being able to play and learn on his own. He would probably do well in a Montessori type of school.
Kate, it sounds like he's a bit headstrong, but that's not necessarily a bad thing. He may be a challenge for you and dh right now, but at least you know when he's an adult he won't put up with anyones sh!t.
L, I think we all realize you have a ton of stuff going on. You're forgiven! Any more news about that house? Did you get an opportunity to talk to your dad about it?
Erin, you're just so wise. I'd love nothing more than to sit and philosophize with you some time. I secretly think you got it all figured out. What would Erin do? Should be my own motto.
I think all my girls hated school in elementary school. Bobbie might have loved it if she weren't bullied in Kindergarten. She did learn to love it a lot later on. I was always most concerned about Syd because I think she's been telling me she was gonna quit as soon as she could since the 4th grade. But with Jesi actually quitting and not doing anything with her life, Syd has realized that's not what she wants at all. She even said to me that she's working on keeping her grades up this year because she doesn't want to end up like Jesi. Syd has never cared about her grades in her life. So...hello silver lining?
I still think Jesi will be ok once she decides to take action. The question is, how long will she be content with this rootless existence?
Kate, I feel a lot of empathy for Josh. Because you know what? Sometimes the sky is more of a whitish grey. And for some people, that sort of thing just sits wrong in your head, if that makes any sense. But I do have ADD, too, so...take from that what you will. I do agree with Erin that traditional schooling doesn't really seem to play to the strengths of kids like Josh (or kids like Bridget's Savanah and Kai, either, fwiw). Is a private or charter school that emphasizes more interactive learning a possibility at all?
D-Mama (37) D-Dada (43) and D-Baby (11/02/2011)
Dana, that is so sad about your friend. I would definitely reach out to her and let her know you care about her and are thinking about her. When my mom died, it was a big comfort reading all the cards and letters. I always felt, imo, that it's much worse to ignore the situation. A friend of mine more or less ignored me when my mom died, she sent an email and that was it. It hurt a lot, and I still think about it. I never did tell her how I felt either.
Love the video of baby Bodhi. It reminded me I need to take more video of G. When he was a baby and toddler I was taking more, I have kinda slipped. When I was growing up my folks had an old school video camera. This was back in the day before audio, so it's just video. And the lighting was poor, so my dad would set up a bright light, almost like a spotlight. So we have this old home movies of us squinting at the camera LOL!
So far G loves school and is happy each day, his issue is keeping his hands to himself. The teacher notes always mention "needs to learn to keep his hands to himself" sheesh. It's a fine line where you want your kid to appreciate personal boundaries but also not feel weird if he wants to hug his friend, kwim. Your post, and G's energy at school reminds me I need to re-read 'Boys Adrift' it's a really good book and talks about how boys need more outside play. I know G definitely needs it. He gets cabin fever like crazy.
What is Jesi doing these days? Did she get her GED?
Shelley-mom to DS, 5
Last night, I watched a Fox show right before the debate, then I muted the TV to put Dae to sleep. So while I was rocking and singing to her, I was looking at, but not hearing, the debate. Well, if you saw it, you know there were groups of risers, maybe 4 or 5 rows of chairs high and about the same wide. Most of the groups were fairly well mixed in gender and ethnicity (or at least skin color and appearance). Well, just behind and off to one side of Romney was one group of seats that had 100% of middle age and older, clean cut, suit-wearing white males. So almost every time Romney started talking, the camera went to him, and all I saw was his "backup choir" of a bunch of old white guys just like him. It was pretty funny. If the channel hadn't been Fox, I would have wondered if it was a conspiracy.
D-Mama (37) D-Dada (43) and D-Baby (11/02/2011)
Dana, I agree. Definitely send a note. I probably wouldn't call right now but a note couldn't hurt and might help in a tiny way.
It seems that a kid might like school well enough and yet not want to go and complain about it. I mean I'm an adult and I actually like my job quite a bit. But yet most mornings, I'm moaning and groaning at least a little! LOL Given the choice, I would rather stay at home and sleep in and chill out with DH and our girls.
My mom always told us that going to school was our job. That adults have their jobs and a kids job is to go to school and do the best they can do.
Definitely take videos! Getting a good camera is on my list of must have for the baby. I just love that my parents have my first few years on super 8 and when I was a couple years old, the everything on VCR. I really enjoy watching those now. Not just xmas and birthdays but some of it is vacations or just hanging around the house. Singing songs, playing the viola (wow do I feel for them having to listen to years of that....because it took years to get decent! LOL). Even managed to get my sister and I fighting....I was like 7-8 and she was like 2-3....it's pretty funny.
I love that DH got to know me in a way as a child.....and I'm pretty sad that we don't have any videos of him. I would have just loved to hear his child voice or see how he was when he was little.
Dana, because I do have that "not sitting right" feeling about some things (like that weird feeling when I know that the blanket is on wrong, and DH thinks I'm crazy, or maybe I am? LOL) I do understand some things. I would be more empathetic if he didn't push against every single thing. Like when he's doing something and I say "after this we need to get ready for school" and he says "okay" and then when it's time to get ready he has a tantrum. But...you just said okay...sigh. They say kids thrive on routine, but we've been doing the same bed time routine for years and every night he still goes to bed crying. I've even made sure I get all my errands done while he's gone, so when he gets home we can just stay home and he can do whatever he wants.
Too funny about the debate. I forgot to watch it but I saw people say Obama was better than he was in the last one.
Erin, you referred to manipulatives-you mean like the worksheets that say "circle the bigger ball" and things like that? They do a lot of those. But they also have art and gym and music, and tons of toys in the classroom, although I don't know how much time they spend playing with the toys, if it's just a designated "play time" or if they're using them to learn.
He's grasping it all really well, in spite of his complaints that it's not fun. I think he might be bored because it's all stuff he already knows, like what sounds letters make, and recognizing letters. Soon they're going to practice writing numbers 1-5, which I think will be more of a challenge for him.
Last edited by daylilies; 10-17-2012 at 10:32 AM. Reason: 1-5 are numbers, not letters (see why I shouldn't homeschool? ;))
D-Mama (37) D-Dada (43) and D-Baby (11/02/2011)
Dana, if I were in your shoes, I'd try really hard to decide what my conscience is telling me. For your own sake, even, you don't want to have any regrets later in life that you didn't do what your heart was telling you to do. If you choose the route of reaching out to her, I would do as the ladies suggest above and go the route of a short but sincere note letting her know you're concerned about her. That way, it gives her lots of space but lets her know you care. I can see the hesitation on your part too, especially if you feel like contact from you would dredge up a lot of negative feelings about you that she doesn't need to deal with at this time.
Kate, Josh probably is bored. I feel for him because I remember feeling exactly that way throughout my childhood. Have you ever read "Raising Your Spirited Child"? I am seeing a lot of Josh in Bodhi, and although I haven't read this book yet, I have a feeling that I might find answers here. I confess, I'm looking for the audio version of the book. Perhaps that's a sign of a little ADHD on my part too.
Katy, owie! That sounds like a frustrating night at the gym. I hope you can find a PT who can hone in on the issue and find the right exercise for it. My PT took one look at my MRI and admitted he didn't really know how to read them, so the exercises he's been giving me have been spitballs of guesses as to what might help. He seemed more fixated on correcting my posture anyway and not strengthening the area around the torn muscle. It's one of the reasons I've decided to not see him anymore, well, that and kind of the fact that he's cute and I feel like he was a little flirtatious on 2 occasions and I STRONGLY wanted to flirt back --- something that I felt was karmically wrong for my marriage, but I digress. Anyway, I hope it's not too much of a hassle for you to get a good PT.
Mandy, moms are a trip. It sounds like you guys are close, and maybe in that slightly twisted-up way that girls can get close to their moms. On the one hand I think maybe she was trying at first in her own ham-handed way to be supportive and maybe get you to open up. Yet on the other hand, I really dislike it when people try to assert that they know what motivates me and might know me better than I know myself. I would have been so annoyed if my mom casually asked me if I had petty feelings of resentment about someone else's accomplishment. I'd be like, "jeez, what do you think of me?" And then to cast the fact that you're protecting your own heart by avoiding your cousin's blog in a selfish light is hurtful too. At some point, I would probably tell my mom that I'm just plain hurt that she sees me as someone with such base motivations. We absolutely know that you're not. I want to hug you so much right now because I know you're the complete opposite of that. And maybe that's why you belong here with us.
Shelley, I don't know how I'd feel if my teacher said that Bodhi needs to keep his hands to himself if he was just being affectionate. That's such a beautiful natural part of the innocence of that age. It's not like he's trying to get to first base with his friends or anything. :/
Jen & Mandy, thank you so much for wishing me well on having a baby this year. I meant to say earlier that I'm sorry about stressing so much about timing a pregnancy for the right time. I don't want to make it seem like I'm taking it all for granted. I just have serious reservations about bringing another person into our family if it will cause so much stress that Bodhi and the new baby would be badly affected. Most of you guys didn't know me when Bodhi was first born, and it was SO hard! It drove me & DH apart. Molly could probably share some of my horror stories with you if she were here. I just don't want to go back to that place in my marriage ever again. It would devastate Bodhi. And our financial position is much more precarious now that DH no longer has his good job and I'm the primary breadwinner with job instability. I hope it doesn't sound thankless or inconsiderate of me if I decide not to go through with getting pregnant. As much as I LOVE babies, in my mind, I would much rather be a happy family of 3, than a miserable family of 4. (I know that sounds over-dramatic. ;)) Hugs to you both.