Secular Confessions

[demigraf]

Yay for homeschooling your kids, Bridget!

Chrissy, I read at least your top (most recent) blog post and... blech. I'm sorry. I know a certain amount of stupidity is normal and maybe even sanctioned when there's alcohol in the picture. I'm all for it at times. But people who are stupid already just shouldn't be allowed to drink. Wish you could've just been able to dance all night.

Rich is making no sense!

[daylilies]

Glad to hear it Bridget

[Gwenn]

Bridget, I know this is what has been in your heart and you will do great.

[missychrissy]

Bridget, I missed the post about the principal but YIKES! I have to say, I'm relieved you're doing this. I know it's going to work for you and your family. Was dbf totally on board with the idea? I imagine he was after the principal's stunt.

My friend finally texted me about Rich asking her out. She said it was an invitation to dinner. Maybe he's talked to her again or he was minimizing his invitation just to test my reaction, but regardless. Christen said she didn't want to do it without me knowing about it. She also said her heart is still with Steve, which doesn't surprise me. I know her and what she's going through. I told her honestly that I love her and trust her and that it's up to her. She already knows all my Rich stories. If she wants to go out with him anyway, that's her business.

It does sort of feel weird, but at the same time it's a relief. It's a sign he's trying to move on. And if Christen is the type of person he's asking out, then I don't need to worry about a future wicked stepmom.

[Suja]

Bridget, I don't think there has ever been any time where I've felt more sure that this is the best decision. That school sounded so good on paper, but is a good idea poorly executed. I feel terrible for the rest of the kids, who don't have this option.

Chrissy, glad your friend is being completely straightforward with you.

[Bridget]

You all have no idea how much your support means to me. Thank you so much.

[3andMe]

You know I saw your post about the car seats, and my first thought was TAKE THEM OUT! and of course, it didn't even occur to me that there would be any other option besides homeschooling. I'm sorry it's been so stressful.

[girlwonder]

I just think Rich is going to be difficult to deal with for a while - since he didn't choose to split, he is going to be acting irrationally for a while. I hope that it doesn't get too difficult or ugly, and I really hope he can stop drinking. I'm sorry - I've never really had to break up with someone who I then had to remain close with (kids or other shared responsibility) so I can't imagine how hard it is.

[Cosmosmom]

Bridget I'm glad that you are homeschooling too. And at least you can say that you gave it a try. Don't let the principle get to you and don't let anyone else's opinions get to you....they are your kids to raise and it's really only DBF and your opinions that count. Good idea too to review the contracts weekly.

I agree with Katy....I think that if I were to split with my DH and it wasn't my choice, I'm pretty sure that I would not take it rationally or act mature. I am sorry....it sounds like a really hard and difficult situation and it is hard for imagine just how much....I have never really been through a breakup at all other than ones where you have a few dates over a few weeks and decide it's not a match.

[missychrissy]

Bobbie is irritating me again. It's not a huge deal, but it's yet another way she's shown us she has no appreciation for her parents whatsoever. When she was still with her dad, he expressed to her that he expected $35/week for rent. He didn't ask it when she wasn't working, but he was clear about it when she was. I was there when he mentioned it more than one. I had discussions with her about it. She knew...but never paid. Not once. When she moved here, I told her I expected the same. $35/week toward room and board. Aside from taking Missy to the vet and getting her medications just that once, she's given me nothing. Not 1 dollar.

She just came home and said that her older guy friend has offered to rent his spare room to her for $200 month. And she's talking about it like she's going to do it. I couldn't help but point out that since she seems to not be able to afford $140, $200 will be pretty difficult. She wasn't 'getting' it. She didn't understand what my issue was.

She wants to help him out financially. Nice. She knows her father is really struggling bad, and I'm not having it easy. But the thought hasn't crossed her mind to help us out? We're still paying her car insurance! And cell phone! She has free computer, internet, tv. Ugh.

It's just so aggravating.

[Gwenn]

I made the mistake of buying a couple of low-cost books for my kindle app from authors I don't know. Can't say I'm going to do that again. Just had to give up on a book. The main character is a 36-year old actress and was worried that she looked too old for a role. She was told by everyone that she looks 18. A few pages later, she goes out to dinner with some guy (who is somewhere in his 30's-40's) and someone tells him his date looks too old for him. Wait - you just said she looked 18! It isn't an unreliable narrator device - it's just bad writing. Example after example of that sort of thing. Just unreadable.

[missychrissy]

What a bummer Mandy Do you use Pixel of Ink? I've gotten tons of free books from there. A couple were like that, but most are surprisingly good. A few were great, but you know, you get what you pay for & all that so my expectations haven't been magnificent. I'm in the midst of one that I'm thinking about bailing on, and even though it's free I'm feeling a lot of 'guilt' about that. I can only think of two times when I didn't finish a book...Tommeyknockers (sp?) and Ben Franklin's Autobiography.

The one I'm reading is about a 30-something group of 3 sisters that suddenly inherit millions from the dad they never knew. There are police security issues and press releases for the small community. It's all too 'make believe' for me. I remember when our guy won the 40-some million and there wasn't all that crap going on. He stayed in his 1 bedroom apt even. No need for more secure doors and new windows for him!

The story MUST be believable or else I simply cannot get into it. Hence, my abandonment of Tommyknockers. I can force myself through a book where the main character is praying about everything as long as everything that's going on in his/her life is plausible.

[Gwenn]

I think I'm going to stick to books from authors I know or who come recommended (you girls have pointed me to some great reads!), at least for a while. I agree about needing to be plausible, though. I'm fine with fantasy/sci-fi stuff, too, but even there it has to make sense internally. If there is magic great, but then don't go changing the rules on how your magic works.

[missychrissy]

It's interesting to me how varied personal tastes are. I avoid reading too much from 1 author because even if the 2 (or more) books are totally unrelated, they all start reading the same to me. I loved Judy Blame as a kid, but really if you've read one, you've read them all. I dunno...I can do it, but a year apart with other books by various authors between.

[missychrissy]

Feel free to 'yell' at me...I know better & I did it anyway. I wasn't sleeping last night so I browsed around on my phone. I opened Firefox, which I don't normally use and it was signed in to Rich's Gmail from way back when he was flirting with my cousin. I read his text exchanges with Christen. :/ I suck. I know I suck.

He did initially ask her for drinks, but a few days later invited her to dinner. At his house. With our kids. The girls know her, at least superficially...and they're older. They'd probably be ok. But Conner? It hurts to even think about. He doesn't know her. He's confused enough. Why would Rich invite a 'strange' (to Conner) woman over to have dinner with all of them as their first 'date'? Or whatever they wanna call it. I say date because it was obvious from the texts that Christen is at the very least intrigued in the possibility.

Bless her heart. She was definitely hesitant about going over there with the kids there and even said that maybe their first dinner should be alone, without the kids. I know it's not because she doesn't like them or anything like that. She's just freaking smart. Apparently smarter than Rich. She also was quick to ask, "What about Chrissy? I don't want to get her upset." Have I said I love her? She doesn't surprise me at all.

Rich, however, disappoints me. My girls knew my former boss from when I worked with him. The girls loved him. He let them come up all the time and I still wouldn't have him around them in 'that way' for a very, very long time (if things had worked out. They didn't so it's irrelevant, but still). I'm thinking the kids need at least a year of us being separated before they see us dating anyone else no matter who it is. Am I being unreasonable?

Of course, I can't really say anything because I'm ashamed I read the texts. If things don't work out with Christen (which they probably won't just 'cause it's not likely either of us will make a connection with someone else so soon), this indicates he's going to be inviting strange women right into my kid's home. With them there! Who does that? What is wrong with him? I feel sick just thinking about it. Not about Christen...just the idea that Rich would invite anyone right over like that with kids there.

[Ky'sMom]

Oh Chrissy, I don't have any advice for your situation. My biggest fear if DH and I should split is him bringing random chicks and just people in general around my kids. Especially since I was abused by my stepfather, I am just weary of step parents or the boyfriends/girlfriends of parents being around any kids unless they have been together for a long time, at least a year.

But maybe I am in a minority. This is probably the main thing I am kind of overprotective on in regards to my kids, that and letting them go over people's houses by themselves. I am just not trusting of people. My DH is and he also is a drinker but not as irresponsible with it as you describe Rich as being. I can imagine him taking the kids over random people's houses or inviting them to his place. And I would be so angry. I'd be tempted to move across the country, thinking since DH is lazy, he wouldn't make an effort to see them, but then I'd feel horrible about that.

My own DH is working my nerves recently. He is being VERY attitudnal. Like for the past week whenever he is home he is scowled up. Last Thursday was our anniversary and he went over his cross-eyed loser friend's house to watch football instead of spending it with me because "I didn't make any plans." I just wanted to hang out with him, but I changed my mind after speaking to him about it and him being in such a poor mood. I don't know what's wrong with me, but it is making me very angry. I feel I give a whole lot, I forgive him all his stupidity and crazy comments he says, dumb things he does, because I love him. I know he's probably upset at me about me telling him that he shouldn't have taken this 60 bar box of chocolate from school for Ky to sell. Ky hates selling, but he wants to make him sell things anyway. When I was a kid, I was similar to Ky, hated selling things, my mom just made a donation for whatever it was, or my grandma did when my mom didn't have the money, so that I wouldn't have to sell or have a big box of candy in the house for my brothers to eat then say they didn't know what happened to it when it was gone lol. That happened once with my older brother who brought home a huge box of candy and they tried to make my mom pay for it and it was a big ole, embarrassing argument up at my high school lol.

Anyway, Ky actually ate 14 of the candy bars, so that was 14 bars. He said he had 2 per day!!! LOL. I knew he would eat them. I mean, what kid isn't going to eat chocolate bars if they are in the fridge. I told DH he might want to hide them, but he didn't and now he is mad at Ky and at me because he says I am making excuses for him. But really, what kid won't eat some candy laying around? He did pay for 5 of them from his chore money but didn't have enough for the rest.

But all of this is just so exasperating to me. I so don't want to be in a situation though like yours where my kids may be spending time with strangers, or DH may be getting drunk and acting like a nut in front of them. Plus I do love him so I don't want to leave him as he hasn't done any of our split situations, but he is really getting on my nerves. I am a happy person and I feel his horrible moods take us all hostage. None of us will even sit in a room with him when he is like this, and I think that makes him more angry. On Saturday, I told Ky to stay at home and do his Saturday morning chores instead of going to Elle's soccer game with us, and he told me he didn't want to stay at home because "Daddy is mean to me when you're not here." He basically just barks orders at him all the time and tells him how he is not doing things right. I feel he is ruining their relationship with his moods like this. I told Ky his dad wouldn't even get up while I was gone and he was still hesitant in staying but when I got back, he did say DH didn't get up or speak to him at all. DH didn't get up until 1pm and that was only because I told him I needed him to get out of bed so I could wash our sheets.

He is making me sick of him and I am considering not even speaking to him for a good month.

Bridget, I am also glad you took your kids from that school. Sometimes new charters don't know what they are doing and they have too many lofty ideas that are not practical. Sounds like you have a good plan and I hope the mother of the kids you were transporting will understand, if not, so what, you aren't obligated to do anything for her. May be mean, but it's true. I hope your DBF will be supportive or at least keep his mouth shut and stay out of the way while you homeschool.

Erin

[missychrissy]

Oh Erin. My heart aches for you. I know exactly what you mean about being a happy person but feeling like you're all being held hostage when he's in 'a mood.' I hope you two can find a resolution to this. I'm afraid the same thing will happen to you guys that happened to me and Rich if he doesn't start making an effort to change some of his behavior.

[girlwonder]

I would have a hard time with feeling held hostage to someone's moods, and I would really be upset if my child felt that they needed me around for protection from their dad being mean. I hope he turns it around immediately.

[Bridget]

Gah, Erin. I so know that feeling. It's awful. I really hope he turns it around. I have told dbf to leave before when he acts like that. He never leaves but he shapes up.

Chrissy, I'm pretty sure I'd have read that exchange as well.

[Ky'sMom]

DH usually does leave when he is a mood. I don't mind him leaving either.

He is also "two-faced" meaning if he has someone over, not us, he will be all nice and jokey and his regular self. Yesterday one of his friends (not a loser friend this time) and the friend's girlfriend came over to watch football and he was his usual funny, witty, personable self while they were over. Then when they left he got the scowl on his face again so I left him to watch football in the evening by himself. Ky, Elle, and I like that show "Once Upon a Time" and even though it is kind of scary, I let Elle watch it because she likes hanging with me and Ky so I went into my room to watch it so I wouldn't have to interrupt DH or talk to him even though he was hogging the big screen all day and I really don't watch much TV at all, and he literally bursts into our bedroom where me and the kids are watching tv, he actually kicked the door open, and told us to "get out of his spot" because he wanted to go to bed at 8:30 and started b!tching about how it was the kids' bedtime. Elle started crying because I told her she could sit with us and watch the show, so we had to miss a few minutes of our show and go into the living room to watch the rest.

He can be such a butthead. I think he has such weak character to be two faced as well. I hate it when people act one way around others and a different way around another group of people. It is very hypocritical and ridiculous IMO.

Erin

[missychrissy]

Oh wow Erin. I'm sure me & Rich would have had a terrible row if he'd ever done something like that. It may have resulted in the cops being called...you have a higher tolerance than I do, that's for sure.

[Bridget]

OMG Erin! I say the same thing about dbf. If he even gets a phone call in the midst of his moodiness, he's all chipper and friendly. Although if he ever did that we'd be fighting for sure. What is his problem??

I am sort of surprised I haven't heard from the principal yet. I sent her 2 emails over the weekend and called this morning to tell the secretary that Savana and Kai would not be there and that the details were in an email to L. It's nearly one! Oh well.

[Ky'sMom]

I don't like to get into arguments or have any sort of verbal altercations in front of the kids. My parents did that all the time and I didn't like it and so don't usually "go there" with DH in the moment. He will get it later when they aren't around or via angry emails and he usually will apologize and not do things like that for a while. I did tell him, very calmly that I was going to ignore him until he stopped being an ass. And I always consider treating him like he treats me when he is in a mood, but I don't want to be anything like him so I will just use my great imagination and pretend like he doesn't exist for a while.

Erin

[missychrissy]

[Bridget]

That sucks. And it is really good of you to not say anything in front of the kids. I often fail there. And when I do say nothing and bring it up later, he treats me like a crazy lady and can't belive I haven't "gotten over it" yet.

That makes me sad for you though, Erin. You shouldn't have to pretend he doesn't exist.

[missychrissy]

I think that's just as bad Bridget. It's manipulative. He's making you feel bad about something he did and doesn't want to deal with. So he's pushing the guilt/blame onto you. It's really unfair.

[Bridget]

I know, but I go off on him all the time in front of the kids and that is not cool.

[Ky'sMom]

I specifically tell DH that I will talk to him either via email or at X time and to be prepared lol. He cannot say that I haven't gotten over something because I let him know that I am going to confront him and on what day and at what time. I'm very specific. Plus, once I confront him, I am literally over it. I am over what happened last night right now. He is the grudge holder in our relationship as he will hold a grudge for years. I recently had to go off on him via email about him still being mad at me about something I did over 10 years ago and he brought it up in front of the kids before we left in the morning for school, attempting to start an argument with me about it.

He knows I won't go there in front of the kids. Even when he have mini-arguments and they are around, I don't get loud or animated and remain very calm, but when I am angry, I won't argue with him. I will carefully think over what is bothering me about the situation and let him know exactly what was the problem and how he can or cannot fix it and that is that. Mostly I do think I should be more forceful, because I don't want Elle especially to think that she should let herself be runover by a man in a relationship, or that Ky should do the same things to women in his life.

In the moment, I will take a jab. Especially if DH starts up stuff on purpose in front of the kids because he knows I don't like to argue with him. I will say "see Daddy. He is trying to get me to argue with him or make me mad, but I'm not going to go there with him because it's immature. When people try to bait you into fights/arguments, be the mature person and don't go there. Unless they hit you, then all hell should break loose." Lol. I tell Ky this all the time. After that, DH sometimes goes off more and I will take them to the park or movies or out to eat, or he will leave. But that is my jab and it is VERY effective and after that I let him know what day/time we will discuss whatever issue he has.

Wanted to say a to all the lurkers. There were 33 when I logged in just now looking at us.....dooodeeedooodooooo (my twilight zone rendition lol).

Erin

[missychrissy]

I wonder where they all came from? We're not that interesting.

[KimJ]

I wonder where they all came from? We're not that interesting.

Yes you are

I love you guys!