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Thread: Secular Confessions

  1. #35971
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    Mandy, same here. DH used to ask me to write stuff for him, and I flatly refused. I did help him with proof reading and passing along comments, but he was responsible for his own work. His writing is vastly improved.

  2. #35972

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    Well, assuming he is being honest with me, It has been suggested that when he starts on salary that they will give him a budget to hire someone for paperwork, since he will be traveling so often and will not be able to finish the paperwork in a timely manner. Hopefully that person will be me so that I can make some money too. It's my understanding that his direct supervisor knows I am doing a lot of the paperwork.

    But in any case, I see your point and take no offense. I guess I feel like he took this job in large part so I could continue to stay home with Sawyer, join the kids on fieldtrips, drive them to and from school, all while not doing my daycare anymore but for the 2 kids before and after school. I was looking at this as my way of supporting him in that.

    ETA that he actually wrote the follow up emails himself. I just edited, copied and pasted to 20 different emails making each one personal off a stack of business cards that he gave me. So it's tedious but something probably a ten year old could do.
    Last edited by Bridget; 10-11-2012 at 04:49 AM.

  3. #35973

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    That is nice you are helping him out Bridget. I really hope he is being honest with you and have told his bosses about your role.

    This is all business right here since you are both in a business relationship with you helping him, but how was his communication to his boss about your email related? Was it an email? I'd want to see it if I were you since you know he tells fibs about a lot of things. I keep a lot of paper trails though when it comes to my job. Like I said earlier, they like to threaten to fire people and I like to have my backup about practically everything that I've done that was even somewhat significant, and especially if it involves doing tasks that other co-workers are usually charged with completing.


    And Chrissy, I can totally see how your ex's lack of involvement would be annoying. Even though my DH is not supportive of my goals and things I am working toward accomplishing, he always gives valuable input on the major decisions regarding our household. Even about money and he does not pay any of the bills. But I let him know everything that is going on and ask him for his opinion. He is VERY opinionated, but I do like that he is opinionated in a way I see it as a somewhat sexist "manly" characteristic lol. I just wish he weren't as overbearing as he can be but I know I can count on him to go through all the options available.

    For bankruptcy, he would have been totally against it. He works for a federal trustee and processes Chapter 13 bankruptcies so knows the process and never feels it should be an option unless there are dire circumstances. I filed a Chapter 7 in 2006 due to some old debts that they were in the process of garnishing my bank accounts for and he was thoroughly upset about it and tried to talk me out of it. I knew that the garnishment was about to occur since I worked for the bank at that time and one of my co-workers saw my name come up who worked in our department that placed "holds" on accounts, which are garnishments and they were going to place a hold on my account for $15K. I had a little bit of savings after a rough financial time but a $15K hold on my account (meaning they would have put us into a negative by $15K) would have been insurmountable for us and would have affected DH since both of our checks were deposited into that account and we didn't have time to change the direct deposit before the hold would occur, so I went and filed Chapter 7, which was the only way to stop the garnishment. In 2007 after we went through a horrible year (I got arrested and went to jail a few days, our landlord didn't pay his mortgage even though we paid rent so we were kicked out of our house we had just rented 3 months prior and ended up semi-homless - I had to send Ky off to Chicago for a few months to live with in-laws, I lost my job at the bank because they moved to TN where they could pay less wages to TN workers versus us, just a whole lot of negative stuff happened that year) we went for an apartment that was income based, which was good since I had lost my job and they denied us even though DH was the only person who would have been responsible for the lease (he has excellent credit), because of my bankruptcy and I have never heard the end of it from him either. How we could have lived in that cheap place (it was $400 a month for a 2 bedroom so really cheap and it was a really nice place right across the street from Ky's school at the time) and saved a lot more money once we recovered from that horrible year and bought our house. He still talks about that to this day lol. So he is VERY vocal about our decisions and if I do anything that contradicts what he thinks we should do, I will never hear the end of it, so there is good and bad in that aspect. Luckily we usually can come to a compromise after heated debates and all is usually well.

    Erin

  4. #35974

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    I was actually sitting next to him when he was on the phone saying that I had been very supportive and was doing all of his editing and such since he was up front with them from the beginning in telling them that would be his weakness. So I do know he's been giving me credit but I'm not sure how realistic it is that I will actually get paid for it. They are really happy with his work in the field so far. I have seen those emails of praise from corporate. He is made for a job like this and i knew he would be good at it. Basically he just a really slow typer, doesn't know simple grammar rules(although I am teaching him and he is getting better) and cannot read small print very well so has to squint and often sees the emails wromg on the business cards. What takes me 20 minutes takes him an hour or more. If someone asks me to help, and I am able to help, I can't imagine saying no. To me that is what a friend would do. That is assuming a legitimate need for help. I have no problem saying no to putting his laundry away.
    Last edited by Bridget; 10-11-2012 at 08:56 AM.

  5. #35975

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    My husband is lacking in grammar and spelling things too. He writes his own things, but has me check them over before sending them off. Not every single e mail or anything but stuff dealing with bill issues or complaints to businesses and things where he'd want to come across coherently. He too has improved a lot. He used to write "has" instead of "as" all the time-I have no idea where he got that from, but he has cut down on that a lot.

  6. #35976
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    It's the Scorpio in us Bridget. I would have helped him too and you know I'm not his fan. Did you enter his business cards into your Outlook address book? That'll save you a ton of work down the road. And you know (?) you can create a template to copy/paste names/addresses into, right? If you really wanted to get fancy, Mail Merge would do the whole thing for you in 10 seconds.

    Erin, filing chapter 7 wasn't an option for us. In NY, Medicaid can (and does) sue you to pay back for the birth of your children that are born on it. Even though Rich had BC/BS with Bobbie (80%), 10% was covered by Medicaid. They sued Rich, through the child support office, for $48,000. At the time he was working for $7.00-something an hour and I was going to school yet. I didn't even have my GED. Even though we lived together and he was supporting her, they didn't care. Initially, we couldn't file bk against it because it was through the child support office and as you know, no one can file bk against child support. Someone with more $ than us fought that though, because Medicaid is a medical expense, not actual child support, and they later enabled it so you could. We had other stuff to file against, but that was the biggest one.

    Mama to Bobbie 20 ~ Jesi 18 ~ Syd 14 ~ Conner 6
    I'm gonna be a Gramama! Jesi is due 11/22/13


  7. #35977
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    The part the wasn't necessary and ended up being a HUGE waste of $ for us was filing the bk against our house and trying to walk away from it. 3 years later we ended up going back. The rent we paid during that time would have paid off that mortgage. Ah well, live and learn I guess.

    Mama to Bobbie 20 ~ Jesi 18 ~ Syd 14 ~ Conner 6
    I'm gonna be a Gramama! Jesi is due 11/22/13


  8. #35978

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    Chrissy, having Rich date your friend would be too weird for me. I imagine he is lonely, but he needs to find his own friends.

    I help dh with letters/emails too, he has dyslexia and doesn't see the problems in his emails.

    Dana I am sorry your dh isn't supportive of your goals.

    Erin, after reading the political thread, when you become a college professor-and I know you will-I am taking a class from you!!
    Shelley-mom to DS, 5

  9. #35979
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    Quote Originally Posted by raspberry View Post
    Erin, after reading the political thread, when you become a college professor-and I know you will-I am taking a class from you!!
    omg-how awesome would that be?! Your first class will be all secular mamas!!!!

    Mama to Bobbie 20 ~ Jesi 18 ~ Syd 14 ~ Conner 6
    I'm gonna be a Gramama! Jesi is due 11/22/13


  10. #35980

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    When my Ex-H was finishing up his THEOLOGY degree at BIBLE college, I wrote several of his papers for him. It was taking up too much time that I wanted him to be spending with me, and I was afraid he was going to flunk out just short of getting his degree because of not completing the work. It's kind of sad that I got "his" first A on a college paper. I knew it was wrong, but it was expedient.

    Nowadays, I think it's not so much that I would object to the helping...my DH and I do jobs that have some similar functions, and we work for the same company. There have been times I have helped him (and he has helped me) with things like pulling data, or figuring out why a query wasn't working correctly or something. But I would be seriously concerned if I felt my DH couldn't complete all the tasks for his job without my help or that the quality of his work would be so low that he would be in danger of being fired unless I stepped in and assisted.
    D-Mama (37) D-Dada (43) and D-Baby (11/02/2011)


  11. #35981

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    Oooo! I want to take Erin's "Politics and Society" class!
    D-Mama (37) D-Dada (43) and D-Baby (11/02/2011)


  12. #35982
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    I would totally take Erin's class too! I used to be so much more an academic and into deep thinking, intellectual discussion, reading important works...I wanted to just be a student forever.
    Now I just go to work and want to come home and chill out with my dogs and DH. I still love to read but it's pretty much only fiction and popular fiction at that. Thankfully work makes me think because otherwise I have gotten fairly mentally lazy.

    Jennifer, 35, DH 36

  13. #35983
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    We do not really help with work for each other....he is in a factory and I rarely bring work home. But in college we did. I used to read his texts to him because he is such a slow reader and I could verbally do it faster. And he learned the material just fine that way (I could not. I'm a visual person and a fast reader....and when it's read to me, I lose interest quickly). And he used to heavily proof my papers for me. He just has much better writing skills....I tend to write exactly like I talk (Ok so I tried to not do this is papers for school and I don't in professional emails). Or he would say, good idea but expand here.

    Jennifer, 35, DH 36

  14. #35984

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    You all are going to make me blush....

    Really though, I have a lot of discussions with my DH about politics. People who know us IRL say we argue too much lol. We are civil though about it and just like to discuss controversial and historical things. Ky and I also have a lot of historical and scientific conversations. I am a talker. If you can't tell from my multi-paraph posts lol. I also have a lot of politically connected friends who like to talk politics with me because I am not a "my way or the highway" type of person and we can actually talk without not being friends anymore lol. I have religious discussions too but only with certain friends and not all the time with DH. He thinks I'm insulting him when I speak of the ills of religion. I was talking to my aunt today about my dislike of missionaries and how they have destroyed cultures around the world and stolen children from parents in order to "convert" tribes, which is sickening to me even though it doesn't happen all that much in todays day and age, but regardless, I have a bad view of missionaries due to their history.

    I have been lacking when it comes to studying for my GRE. Want to send a big shout out thank you to Suja who recommended the kahn academy some time ago. They are really helping me remember math lol. I am going to take the GRE at the beginning of next month and I haven't really been studying much, especially not the writing so I am going to have to make a schedule of study so I can actually go and be a professor one day.

    Erin

  15. #35985

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    Well, Erin, if you are ever in my area, I would love to argue about politics and religion with you, lol! I don't know many people that have well thought out, nuanced opinions, can express them and are willing to attempt to defend them in a logical manner and possibly reconsider them. I really enjoy that type of discussion but it is so, so rare to find someone who can have that kind of discussion amicably and have fun with it.
    D-Mama (37) D-Dada (43) and D-Baby (11/02/2011)


  16. #35986
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    Sign me up for the Erin's Political Science 101 class, too! I think politics are interesting, even British politics. Did you know that Great Britain doesn't have a written constitution like the US does? I think that's one of the things I love about the UK....that they don't let laws written hundreds of years ago rule their present days lives. I love voting and it was one of the biggest reasons that I paid the chunk of change to get my citizenship. I have one friend who has been here longer than I have but she hasn't ever bothered to get her citizenship; that would drive me crazy. I like feeling like I've been accepted here and having my citizenship kind of made me feel that way.

    I was talking to my SIL tonight. She is in the same "clique" of mums that I am at the boys' school. She was telling me about the competition that is going on right now. Apparently, everyone is upset because some of the kids are in the second reading level while others are only just now getting on the first reading level. She was talking about how she feels that her son feels jealous of the other kids because he thinks they are smarter than them. I told her that that's just life. There's always going to be people who are smarter than you in some way. There's nothing you can do to change that when it comes to natural ability. It bothers me that my SIL is so obsessed with thinking that she has to make her kids the best at everything. That's just not realistic. And I hate that people can't celebrate when a kid is doing something really well in case the other mums get upset that their kid can't do the same.

  17. #35987

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    Oh, that is awful!! And dangerous for those children. A child should be taught to work hard, not compare themselves to other children. That really makes me mad!

  18. #35988
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    Quote Originally Posted by Bridget View Post
    Oh, that is awful!! And dangerous for those children. A child should be taught to work hard, not compare themselves to other children. That really makes me mad!
    Exactly! It really annoys me as well that the same nephew has to win at everything, so when they play games with him, they let him win most of the time so that he doesn't throw a hissy fit. I usually beat him when I'm playing a playstation game with him just to make a point. LOL. I know not the most kind of me, but I hate losing as well and I will not lose to someone on purpose!

  19. #35989

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    Jeez, that poor kid. What a nasty attitude to have!

  20. #35990

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    And I think you are doing him a favor. He needs to lose sometimes!

  21. #35991

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    Maybe these reading groups at school will help him figure out that everyone has different abilities and strengths and that it's not important (and it's futile) to compare yourself to others.
    How old is he?

  22. #35992

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    Yuck. That kind of attitude leads to the thought that if you aren't first, you are somehow "less than" as a person. It's so damaging. Everybody loses sometimes - it doesn't make you a loser.
    D-Mama (37) D-Dada (43) and D-Baby (11/02/2011)


  23. #35993

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    Well I guess technically when you lose, yes, you are a loser, lol. But I mean, losing one thing doesn't make you a loser now and for always at everything. You guys get me, right?
    D-Mama (37) D-Dada (43) and D-Baby (11/02/2011)


  24. #35994
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    He's 5. I'm sure Sil over dramatises how he feels because she is a drama queen by nature, but they don't help him at all by feeding in to the idea that he has to be best at everything. I've tried to tell her to chill from a fellow parent's perspective and as a teacher but it always falls on deaf ears.

  25. #35995

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    Ash - I'm curious about modern british politics, but know NOTHING. Do you know of any good remedial resources?
    D-Mama (37) D-Dada (43) and D-Baby (11/02/2011)


  26. #35996
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    Quote Originally Posted by dana_renay View Post
    Ash - I'm curious about modern british politics, but know NOTHING. Do you know of any good remedial resources?
    Oh, now that is a question! I'll have to dig around before I can give an educated answer. If you're just wanting to know what's going on currently here then bbc.co.uk is good for that. But I'll get back to you on the historical/political bit.

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  28. #35998
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    While everyone else is planning to take Erin's political science class, I was busy figuring out how to propose marriage to her Erin, I'm sure you'll do great with the GRE. Mine was back in the pleistocene, so I'm not going to be much help, I'm afraid. If memory serves, it's almost always the time that gets you, not the questions, so lots of practice tests seem to help.

    I have to say that there are some things I really like about the British system. Like how elected officials act like two year olds, and that's part of their job description (booing, jeering, shouting, etc.). I much prefer it to the fakety fake making nice they do here.

  29. #35999
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    My ds spends a lot of time in comparisons. He tells DH he loves him more than anyone else. He says that he thinks he is the smartest kid in his class, except maybe Marco, although Ethan knows a lot about something in particular. He asks me if I think he is the smartest or the fastest or the best jumper.

    I keep telling him that I think he is wonderful and that he is good at a lot of things, but he will only make himself and others unhappy in life if he tries to compare all the time. He can learn from other people, if they can do things that he cannot, but the only person he should be comparing himself to to is the person he was and the person he can become. I tell him that no matter how great he is, he will always find someone a little better at something, and if he only focuses on the comparisons to others, he won't have a chance to try to see how he can make himself a better person every day. I told him that (shh) that's one of the secrets of happiness.

    He's actually gotten much better in the past two weeks, since I really started focusing on this particular thing--to compare himself to himself, and not to others. Ever since he could really talk well, he's been interested in doing the comparing thing, and even when I told him that it's not the kindest thing to talk up the comparisons to others' faces, he would say (to make me feel better), "I love everyone, Mommy, and I love you too, but I do love Daddy the best."


  30. #36000

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    Your DS is a doll L!! I wouldn't know whether to be saddened or laugh at his preference for dad versus mom, but I like that it seems he has thought it out a bit lol. He reminds me of my little cousin Z, he is also always comparing himself to others. He's 13 now and his mom encourages it though as she thinks it makes him more focused on doing his best.

    In comparison, Ky is not at all competitive. He is barely competitive in baseball as he is not all that into winning. But now that I think about it, he was really into winning during robotics club so I guess he is not lacking completely in comparisons, but he seems to know he is a great kid and that he is smart and he is comfortable with being who he is and doesn't want to try to be like anyone else. Even with the robotics, he was not focused on the other kids, he was just focused on getting the robot to do what he wanted it to do the first time without have to re-measure or re-calculate anything. He has admitted that he likes me more than his dad but he loves us both the same, but different. If that makes any sense. It does to me the way he says it.

    I also enjoy the passion in British politics. They are much more animated and I have enjoyed the few times I have watched the house of commons in action. I didn't know they don't have a written constitution. That is really interesting! I also have enjoyed watching the Japanese parliament at times in the past, they used to physically fight a lot lol. I remember one clip of a lady clocking another in the head and them going at it right in the middle of their chamber.

    Erin
    Last edited by Ky'sMom; 10-11-2012 at 05:04 PM. Reason: computer stuck and I had "ghost words"

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