I was annoyed because I was told for my evaluations that I have to participate in professional growth beyond what I do to maintain my licensure. Seriously, I am required to do PD hours to renew my license every single year - why isn't that enough? Stupid.
Me (38) DH (45) & furbabies * m/c 7/08 4/12 11/12
Sorry about all the job woes. It all sounds so frustrating!
My neighbor brought me a bag of pears from his pear tree yesterday. Oh man, these are the best pears I have ever eaten. This morning I'm making a gluten free pear bake for breakfast and I'll be nervous until we taste it that it didn't turn out. Gluten free baking is kicking my arse.
Dbf and I are not getting along well at all. Right now he's downstairs playing with the kids in a an effort to act like he's trying. Yesterday I asked him to do all kinds of things with us and he just sat on the couch in his robe with that gd ipad all morning. Even when Kai asked him to do his highlight magazine hidden picture page with him, dbf was totally pretending to do it while he was actually on the ipad. Kai said, "Dad, you're not really even doing it". I mean, really, does he think these kids are idiots or what?? Anyway, I'm just sick to death of it all. Last night when he came home from being down the road at our neighbors all day he said, "How long are you going to stay mad at me?" and i said I'm not really mad. I'm just not really liking you very much these days. Then I just went to bed. So today he'll kiss my arse all day. Yuck.
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Bridget, I'm afraid he's never going to change. I don't know how long you're going to be able to put up with this.It makes me very sad...and more than a little angry at him.
Mama to Bobbie 20 ~ Jesi 18 ~ Syd 14 ~ Conner 6
I'm gonna be a Gramama!
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Kate-my neighbor is going on the NKOTB cruise next spring.
Mama to Bobbie 20 ~ Jesi 18 ~ Syd 14 ~ Conner 6
Taking a break from the conference in my hotel room. This mornings keynote speaker was fantastic. http://epatientdave.com/about-dave/#.UHHM6ZjR55Y I thought about you a lot Bridget during it after the recent issues you have had with Kai's doctor. It was all about patients being empowered, engaged, equipped and enabled. That we need to be involved and in partnership with our doctors and our healthcare....that is how to get the best experience. I don't think it sounded like you got any of those e-words from him.....IMO, he should be fired by you. It was also about how we have to have access to our own medical records and data if we chose to.
i think that i have been to 6-7 conferences before and he was by far the best speaker I have heard. Especially since patients are my favorite group to work with and nurses are the second favorite.
Jennifer, 34, DH 36
Aw, I'm sorry your bf is being such a jerk, Bridget. I can remember being little and my parents would be angry at each other and then the next day they'd act like nothing ever happened and even at a young age that used to annoy me so much! I can remember once when I was 10 and my mom was mad at my dad, so she told us to pack some clothes and that we'd not be coming back to the house. I looked at my dad and said, "I am not going; we'll be back in a couple of hours any way." And he was like, "I know; just go with her any way, OK?"
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I can't imagine what it would be like to have 'normal' parents upset with each other. I think I was in 1st grade the first time I wished my father would leave my mother. By the time I was 13, I tearfully begged him to and he did.
Mama to Bobbie 20 ~ Jesi 18 ~ Syd 14 ~ Conner 6
Big hugsThat has got to be so incredibly difficult to grow up with that kind of turmoil. I have never really seen my parents fight....disagree some but mostly just get irritated with each other. Next month is 38 years for them. And they were only 18 and 21 when they got married. I also on the flip side haven't seen them being all super lovey dovey passionate...a bit of hand holding once in a while or a quick kiss but mostly friendship/companionship love.
I admit to feeling guilty of being mostly so lucky in life so far. Good childhood, close family, good job, good marriage, my girls.....Only struggles really are weight and not being able to have a baby.
Jennifer, 34, DH 36
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i think they're both pretty big deals and I wouldn't precipitate them with 'only'Originally Posted by Cosmosmom
Big hugs
I admit to feeling guilty of being mostly so lucky in life so far. Good childhood, close family, good job, good marriage, my girls.....Only struggles really are weight and not being able to have a baby.
Despite some extremes in my childhood and now with my bratty teen girls (ha!) I still think I'm fortunate and I like my life. If I could change certain things, I would, but taken as a whole I consider it a good one. And I'm not dead yet. I always expect the future to be better. Ever the optimist.
Mama to Bobbie 20 ~ Jesi 18 ~ Syd 14 ~ Conner 6
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oh, and my cousin told me that I looked a LOT more relaxed and less stressed than I was a few months ago. Even though the kids and a certain someone else has caused me some heartache and grief of late, and I've gotten irritated with the boss lady at work, all this is manageable for me. It's much preferable to the way things were. Apparently, it shows
Mama to Bobbie 20 ~ Jesi 18 ~ Syd 14 ~ Conner 6
I suppose it is one of those perspective things.....when it's your normal or your lived experience, it feels like an "only" or not that bad. I suppose that some would rather die than be fat.....but I don't think that it's that bad (to a point.....I'm comfortable up to a certain weight....and right now i'm about 30 over that!)....but it's probably because it's pretty much all I have known.
Blah break time is up and time to head over and socialize. After 24 hours I'm tired of making small talk.....I'm used to a lot of calm and quiet. I'm really quiet in groups where I don't know people well and having to do this gets me out of the comfort zone more than I like!
Jennifer, 34, DH 36
Kate-my neighbor is going on the NKOTB cruise next spring.
Oh, awesome! I decided not to go next year. I can't remember if I told you guys that. Tell her I hope she has a blast (and that if she has any questions I can try to help LOL)
Speaking of NKOTB I'm working on a little project and there's a chance that I might catch the interest of NKOTB themselves, so send me some good vibes okay? I have a superstition about saying too much before it happens but I'm really excited.
I often wonder how the dynamic between me and DH affects Josh. We sometimes have fights and then never really talk about it. Most of the time we don't fight in front of Josh but I know he can sense that there are a lot of disagreements between us especially about how to raise him. Lately I have really tried to realize that I can't really change him and I just try not to let his behavior bother me personally as much. It's still hard sometimes and sometimes I secretly wish I could go back, now that I have figured out what I do and don't want from a partner. When I was so young it just seemed like love was enough, you know? And sometimes it still is, but there's so much more I think we could both benefit from by being with people who are better suited to us.
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That's all anything really is. Perception.
Mama to Bobbie 20 ~ Jesi 18 ~ Syd 14 ~ Conner 6
I like my life as well. Even though I'm fatter than I'd like to be, I don't mind it that much because I can still walk, and talk and see (with corrective lenses, which I am happy are available for me) and all sorts of other things. I am not burned or in constant pain and I just think I am truly lucky body wise, which is why even when I am frustrated at working out and such and not losing weight or just struggling with it for a minute, I can take a step back and be grateful for the body I have. I think we as women too are not comfortable enough with our bodies. I remember seeing this lady on tv who got lipo because she didn't like the fat on her hips and ended up getting some horrible infection and having to have both her legs amputated and part of her intestines and ended up legless with a colostomy bag and after the fact she said she wished she only had fat legs. That stayed with me. I appreciate that my fat legs work and I can poop normally.
My parents always fought, like physically so the constant debates me and my DH involve ourselves in, I don't see as a big deal. I also was happy when my parents broke up and when they got back together when I was 23, right after Ky was born, I warned them not to get married as they don't get along. They didn't listen and their divorce was finalized last year after 8 years of drama. But I do think my DH and I argue too much. We don't get in heated arguments, just debates about everything so it has been my goal this year to stop arguing with him so much. It is very difficult though not too because he is never-ending in trying to get people to answer questions so he can continue to argue with them and try to prove that he is right. I honestly don't care if he thinks he's right, and I feel dumb when I allow myself to fall for his bait. So I am really working on that. People in our lives who know we have constant bantering have even noticed it. Even though most of the time, I will end up looking, IMO, as the dumb person in the relationship when I just don't go there with him, as he will try to insinuate I'm a liar or manipulative or some other negative characteristic and usually I will go on and on with him to show him how stupid he is thinking but I have just resigned to let him be stupid and unfortunately, I come off to others as being whatever it is he is trying to prove me to be when I don't engage him in these discussions. If I do engage him, most of the time, he will see the ill of his ways, but I just don't feel like debating so much anymore. It is tiring and childish IMO and most of the time it is the same debate over and over again. I'm a liar because of something dumb, like I said something in a certain way that wasn't the exact same way I said it last week or I was trying to get him to do something by speaking of another subject that has nothing to do with what I was talking about. So now I let it go.
We used to have debates about parenting but not anymore. He understands I want us as a united front and that it is not in the best interest of the kids for us to argue about parenting so he has stopped doing it in front of them I'd say 98% of the time.
I also don't think love is enough. I deeply love my DH but I can easily see myself saying "f" it and kicking him to the curb and being extremely happy. But I have decided that we will stay married as long as we are cordial to each other and caring of each other and are willing to listen to the others POV. We have some "split" situations, like if he gets another woman pregnant or if I get pregnant by another man, we'd break up. Or if one of us turns out to be gay lol. We have talked about this and agreed to our split scenarios and that other than that we will do whatever it takes to stay together as long as we still love each other because that is the foundation and everything else, we will build upon it and make it habitable.
Erin
I really love my life and am very happy. You wouldn't know it, the way I complain about dbf on here but I don't walk around moping about it at all. I am so incredibly grateful for all that I have. It might sound strange our even vain but I'm really most grateful for my mental state of mind. Like, I am thankful that my beliefs in the way the world works allow me to appreciate all walks of life, live without bitterness, fear, jealousy. I am so glad that to have a mellow state of mind. I really feel sorry for people who think the world owes them something, living their whole lives wanting more.
I have reported our random spammer to the mods. Unless I'm missing how DVRs and CCTV have anything to do with Secularism. ;)
Yep, I am a happy person. I take responsibility for making myself happy. I don't hold others responsible for the way I feel or for the outcome of my choices.
Erin, it's good you and DH know your deal breakers. Is infidelity not one of them? I had a long standing debate with an ex over whether it was forgivable to cheat. I do think couples can get past it and it's not an automatic deal breaker, but my heart says it would hurt so much that I'd want to end it right away.
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I get that totally. I always assume you're a happy person. It comes across that way in your posts. I think fundamentally happy people can still feel frustrated with certain aspects of their life yet remain happy.
I missed the spammer.
I don't think infidelity has to be a deal breaker. It all depends on the context. I used to say that if Rich & I had a HUGE fight and he went out and 'something' happened which he totally regretted and it was a one-time thing, I wouldn't want to know about it. I had two requests-use a condom because it wouldn't be fair for me to contract AIDS and die from such a situation, and never tell me because the hurt wouldn't be worth it. I know the guilt would have been 'punishment' enough for him to carry. However, if it were an emotional thing that occurred more than once, then the fair thing to do would be for us to break up. All these rules applied to Rich, of course, because I couldn't see myself ever behaving that way. Then I move out and oops...
Trying again isn't anywhere on my radar though. Jesi's admission that her father is drinking and passing out nearly every night kind of cemented the whole idea that I'm not ever going back. Even if he did sober up, it would likely just be a matter of time before he started again. I hate that he's relying on her so much and am encouraging her to move in with me. I expect all the girls to do chores, but not be the freaking maids/child-care provider for Conner.
Mama to Bobbie 20 ~ Jesi 18 ~ Syd 14 ~ Conner 6
I can tell you're a happy person too Bridget. You seem to not let the problems with dbf weigh you down too much. Some people let stuff drag them down and some people rise above it.
I agree with everyone else, Bridget. In fact, I've wondered just how you've managed to stay so positive with everything going on in your life.
I am moody. My mom is that way too. There are days when I just want to be left alone, and would be perfectly happy to not talk to a soul, which is of course not possible with a toddler around. I'm probably a little extra short tempered these days, because I have all these nebulous health issues hanging over my head (none particularly bad, but collectively could be a bad diagnosis), and I'd really rather just know, and get on with life.
No I don't think cheating is an automatic deal breaker. I could forgive DH for cheating as long as it was like the situation that Chrissy described or even if it is just lust related and especially if when confronted DH would be honest with me about what was going on. Lying is a big thing for me though. If I ask a direct question about a direct situation and I am lied to, I will lose some trust so if the cheating included some sort of extra sneakiness and direct lying to my face, I would probably have issues getting over that and would consider a divorce but it would have to be very deep for me. I easily forgive people and can move on based on what type of person that they are. My DH even though he is a trip, is a pretty honest person and I could not see him not making amends and sticking to them due to that. But I am not going to deal with "baby mama drama" if he goes out and knocks someone up. Even if I felt I could forgive him the act, I just know that I would not be able to let a kid visit me that came from infidelity and I wouldn't want to deal with court crap or child support things. DH and I had an in depth discussion about this before because one of his aunts, my MILs sister, had her husband cheat on her years ago and father a child and the child had to come for weekend visits and such with them and she helped raise him and my DH said I would probably do the same and was shocked when I said I would not. I would figure that a child not ours, or not brought into our marriage mutually like foster or adoptive children, would not really be a part of our family and as such our family would not be the same and so I'd rather take my kids and sue him for child support and be on my merry way. We could still be friends but I wouldn't want the obligation of taking care of a child that was not mine and having to deal with the child's mother. He said that was selfish and in that instance I would just be selfish then. It was funny because he adamantly would not put up with me getting PG by another man but would think that him knocking up someone is not as big of a deal. He has a lot of double standards lol.
Erin
I always thought cheating would be deal breaker for me. Looking back, however, I do not regret forgiving him because A) I wouldn't have my Sawyer B)Savana and Kai would have to travel to Hawaii to see him and that would never be ok with me. Never ever ever.
I honestly have lost sight of what a deal breaker would be for me because he lies a lot too and I put up with that although I call him out on it majorly. He lies about the stupidest things, btw! Last night we were having a discussion about cursive writing as Savana really wants to learn so I printed out a paper with cursive letters on it so she could see it. Dbf then says how his print writing is horrible but his cursive writing is unbelievably perfect. So I gave him a piece of paper and told him to write me a sentence in cursive and it was awful! Like a 90 year old with a shaky hand! He said "It used to be" and I said, "Yeah, just like you knew how to play the guitar until I put one in your hand. Lol. He's like that kid in school that lies because he thinks he has to so people would like him. I seriously think that.
ANYWAY. The one thing without question is physical abuse in any way shape or form. I think I can also say without question that if he ever cheated again that would be it.
I always feel like some day I will get so fed up with him that I will leave him and then I think about the scenario where it could happen. I always wonder if when it's all said and done it's going to look like I left him because he said he could play the guitar but couldn't (or that's what he will tell people) when really it will just be an instance like that where I finally snap and say enough is enough ya liar.
Last edited by Bridget; 10-08-2012 at 10:08 AM.
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Yeah, if the cheating were once forgiven and then repeated, no matter how long after the initial instance, that would most certainly be a dealbreaker.
Erin, I almost had a similar reality. Years back when Rich & I split up (Bobbie and Jesi were very little), we were supposed to be seeing each other and working on things but I found out he was dating someone else. I definitely felt cheated on even though when it was brought up recently Rich pointed out that technically we weren't living together so it wasn't cheating (whatever dude, if you're dating me and screwing someone else, that's cheating. Period). Anyway, he was with her 4-6 months and then we got back together. Looking back, I took him back way too fast because he'd been living with me again when she called. Saying she was pregnant. Of course there was the denial from Rich that it was even his, and even her cousin admitted that through the whole period she was bouncing between Rich and her first bf so her own family couldn't swear who the father was. It was devastating, but in the end irrelevant because the child was born dead.
After we resolved the whole cheating thing and I found happiness with Rich, I did feel for many years that if that child had lived and it was Rich's, I felt I could have been a good stepmom. I looked at it as a situation where I loved him intensely (and I really did, even now I feel that what we had was real) and it wasn't the child's fault. Whether I could have found that attitude and actually carried it out when I was just 20 years old is something we'll never know. The more mature me definitely thought she could do it.
Mama to Bobbie 20 ~ Jesi 18 ~ Syd 14 ~ Conner 6
That doesn't surprise me about you at all, Chrissy. I bet you would have loved that child like your own. How sad that it died
Yes that is very sad. Poor baby. And that also doesn't surprise me either about you Chrissy. But in a lot of ways I think you are much nicer than I am.
I am getting mean in my "old age." At 20 I probably could have dealt with something like that. But not now. I probably wouldn't be mad though about the baby, just I would think our family was over and wouldn't want to deal with any of the aftermath.
Erin
Every day is a gift. It's just... does it have to be a pair of socks?
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I'm not sure what a deal-breaker would be for me. I don't think love is enough either, but I think mutual respect and consideration are very important. Cheating would not be a deal-breaker for me, probably not for either one of us, although we haven't discussed it. My parents are still married (although living in different states) despite the fact that my dad has fairly openly had several long-term mistresses throughout my life. I guess I would have a hard time with abuse, either of drugs/alcohol or physical/emotional.
My MIL was walking on the beach in S. California and was talking to some random stranger about her son and daughter-in-law and mentioned I was from Wyoming. They ended up talking more and the random stranger said, "Oh, your daughter-in-law's father must be the man with two wives." Well, he doesn't have two wives, but he is married to my mom and spends a great deal of time with another woman. The twins' birthday party this summer had several ex-mistresses and one current one in attendance, including his first significant one. My mom just told me she found out the first one was just diagnosed with breast cancer, and we're both really sad and trying to find some way to get ahold of her. We've had a bunch of mixed emotions over the years over all of this, and I tried to get my parents to divorce several times (both of them refused), but the first mistress was a pretty significant part of our lives for a long time. She was my babysitter, my mom's best friend (before all of that), our housemate, our companion on road trips, and adopted our cat Yucca Fiber when we moved.
I do know that marriage can survive a lot, and it can dissolve for the most insignificant reasons sometimes if there is no dedication or there are a lot of small things or hopelessness. I think both of my parents stay married because they don't see any reason to NOT be married.
I am always impressed by the strength of you ladies.
Suja, I hope you get healthy and some good news soon.
Our baby is 3 years old already!
I haven't really given a lot of thought to what would break up our marriage. I am not even sure I would have a problem with him having a mistress or an affair, to be perfectly honest, as long as he is safe about it. My libido is so low, I'd probably be relieved he has an outlet, and less guilty. Abuse, I would not stand for, that much I know.
L, we've ruled out all the easy stuff that can be ruled out. If my symptoms continue to persist or gets worse, I'll get an MRI and see a neurologist. MS is the most likely culprit at this stage, but what's going on right now [random aches/pains, numbness/tingling in limbs that come and go, occasional dizziness, memory problems (now I'm forgetting words to nursery rhymes, it's kind of pathetic), frequent urination/urge etc.] is not so severe that we aren't doing anything but waiting, which is driving me nuts. Also, I'm claustrophobic, and will not handle an MRI well (hopefully getting an open MRI will not involve too much hoop jumping), and in that sense, I'm okay with waiting. Of course, there is an extremely good chance that the MRI won't reveal anything either, and then back to limbo we go.
Forgot to add: Mira has HFM, but so far, it seems to be a mild case. The responses of the people I've talked to have varied from 'Not a big deal' to 'Horrible, horrible, awful!', and that seems to be based on just how bad the mouth sores were. The kid is walking around making some impressive Elvis faces (her sores are mostly on the right side, no idea why - hands, feet and mouth). Mira's nanny was saying that one of the kids she has watched had it really badly, and basically cried and cried and cried for a week. Egads!
Last edited by Suja; 10-08-2012 at 12:02 PM.
I agree, physical abuse would be a dealbreaker. We've both cheated, both a long time ago and gotten through it. We've been through worse.
I hope Mira gets better soon Suja!
Suja, I hope you can find out what's causing your ailments and that Mira recovers soon. The teacher whom I work with is only a youngster but he's suffering with similar issues with you; he's recently had an MRI done. He has what he calls "pringles"-painful tingles. It certainly puts my tendonitis problems in perspective when I compare them.
Bridget, I also agree that I've never thought you've sounded miserable or anything, just really frustrated at your bf. He's lucky you are so nice to him!
I've never really thought about what would be a dealbreaker for our marriage; I suppose I'm a little naive and maybe just hopeful that we'll always be like we are now. This morning, we both woke up at 6am and he said, "time for a quicky?" And I was like, "Um, yes, please!" I don't think I could ever get past it if he cheated on me. I hold grudges for soooo long. I'd be mean to him every day.
Trust me it was hard for each of us getting over, or past, the other cheating. Our usual pattern when we have an issue is we have a big fight about it and never really reach a truce and then we kind of store it away. Sweep it under the rug, basically. I know it's a terrible unhealthy way to deal with problems and I'm totally aware that that's why we have problems with our relationship. Our communication sucks. Neither one of us are effective communicators.
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Oh, I highly doubt you're nicer than I am! lol. I think it all really depends on the situation and the person. Rich & I were both physically abusive in our early years so I can't say that would be a deal breaker. We even started up again with some shoving here and there at the end. He initiated the last one, but I did shove him into a wall the day Bobbie was attacked and I came home with her from ER and he was drunk already. It was easily the lowest point in my life though and I had no one to depend on. I do not feel any guilt over it or worry that I'll do it again. It would take something pretty significant like that to get me to shove anyone.
And Ash, I recall being pretty petty and mean to Rich for a good 2-3 years after. I even slept with his uncle just to pay him back. Ick ick ick. I hate to even think about it but all I wanted to do was hurt him as bad as he hurt me. I even knew that was why I was doing it when I did. That's why I don't know that I could have actually pulled off being a decent stepmom. After all that was resolved (and it truly was) I felt like I could have, but the truth is if the baby had lived I probably wouldn't have behaved in a way to inspire her to have any trust in me at all.
Mama to Bobbie 20 ~ Jesi 18 ~ Syd 14 ~ Conner 6
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