I confess every time Syd gets a message on FB, I feel like I'm being stabbed in the chest. I'll get over it... eventually.
You're not awful for liking it when Rich is trying. I do enjoy that grace period right after we've had a fight where he's super nice to me and Josh but I remind myself that's not his usual self.
Josh and I had an epic fight tonight and it was the stupidest thing. It's like if I knew that half the things I bring up would be a battle I wouldn't have brought them up at all. I simply wanted him to eat dinner at 5:30 and he refused and basically threw a piece of bread into his bowl of soup, splashing it everywhere and when I sent him to his room he threw the dog gate, tore the sheets off his bed and unplugged his clock. After he came down from his room 10 minutes later he said he was hungry.
I feel guilty letting Rich hug me and even sometimes hugging him back because I feel like I'm leading him on. Really, I just don't want to fight and I know if he thinks there's no chance for us, he'll be an ass to me again. I'm being selfish and lazy about it.
Did you have to eat at 5:30 because you had something to do? I know you have different standards than I do, but I've gotten so liberal about dinner...the kids eat when they're hungry. If they don't like what I make, they're free to cook something else. I will make Conner a sandwich or bowl of cereal instead. We still somehow manage to have dinner together quite often and they did learn how to have manners. Tonight, in fact, we all sat down for dinner together to celebrate Jesi's bday.
Maybe it's because I have more of them...but I just cannot put forth the energy required to get the kids to eat when I want them to. When we were all together, dinner time was just about 6:00 every night during the week. If they weren't hungry then, they were welcome to save a plate in the fridge for later. Choose your battles & all that. We've had to eat at a certain time because we had to go somewhere, and more than once I remember the girls opting NOT to eat and then regretting it later. It was something they learned pretty fast without much more than one comment like, "Well, I had dinner ready and you didn't want to eat then. Maybe next time you'll eat dinner when you know we're going." Or something like that.
Well no, he gets home from school around 4 and has a snack because he's famished, and then he usually has a snack and watches tv at 6:30 so 5:30 just seems like a reasonable time for dinner. If he eats dinner any later then I don't like to let him have a snack too because then he'll complain of a stomachache when he goes to bed. I have it all worked out in my head but logic doesn't work on him. Neither does "learning fast". Letting him miss a meal or snack will not let him learn anything except that it's "not fair" and then he throws a tantrum and throws things around and causes distress and nobody learns anything except that next time we should let him eat whenever he wants. Except then he'll throw a fit about having a stomachache.
I did use that line on him when he came down from his room and said he was hungry. I said I had dinner ready for you 10 minutes ago and you refused it and now you're hungry? It didn't phase him one bit.
I'd love to choose my battles but it's hard when everything is a battle. It's either I look like an evil dictator or he gets his run of the house.
May sound mean, but if he has stomach issues and you think he should eat at 5:30 then I would just make that a thing - he has to eat at 5:30. He will probably throw a fit but I wouldn't let him eat past then, especially with the stomach ache issues.
I am similar to Chrissy actually with dinner, if my kids don't want to eat at dinner time, I really don't care. But Elle has an issue with peeing the bed and if she drinks anything after 6:30 pm, she will pee the bed, so I don't let her drink after 6:30 pm. She drinks a lot all day and I make sure to remind her around 6:25 to drink something. Sometimes she does, sometimes she doesn't but since she doesn't have any sort of medical problems, that is just her rule and if she threw a tantrum, then a tantrum she will throw. When I first started this, she did throw a tantrum. I explained to her the next day that she needs to drink something when I give her the "last call" for drinks lol. She doesn't have a problem with it now.
So in that situation, I would stick with the 5:30 dinner and if he doesn't want to eat, then he won't eat anything else. Unless he has some sort of medical problem, I don't see how it will hurt him. He won't starve and more than likely after a few days he'll eat when it's time to eat, hopefully with minimum fuss. I also wouldn't get upset at him for the tantrum and just let him go tear his room up. That is just what I did with Ky, I told him when he felt better he could come out. For a while, I had to take literally everything out of his room because he would tear it up so bad, but soon he wanted some toys and books and such in his room again and we worked out a deal about throwing things and he stopped throwing things. He'd still make a mess but would rarely throw things around anymore.
ETA: I actually came on here because I thought it was so sweet this evening at Ky's school - we had a PTSA social, basically a little get together for our "school family" and I was speaking to Ky's Spanish teacher and she told me that she thought Ky had a crush on a new girl in his class. He sits next to this girl and he has spoken about her and told me she isn't one of the "stupid acting girls" LOL. Today on the ride home we were speaking of his savings, he has some money he has saved from random chores and I told him he can save for something big for himself or maybe something for someone else, I was kind of hinting at me lol, but he said, "yeah, I was showing S some of my cards and she said she really liked them and wished she had some. I told her I would give her some of mine. Maybe I can buy her a little pack of cards from Toys R Us." I thought that was soooooooo sweet!!! Him thinking of buying this girl some Yu-gi-oh cards lol. It was too cute and it took a lot for me not to go "awwwwww" and ask him did he like this girl. But I didn't. I want to tell DH but I think he will embarrass him so I decided to tell you ladies. I just thought that was so sweet and exciting, my baby boy with his first crush. After thinking it was sweet I got concerned about girls breaking his heart though, the joys and worries of motherhood.
Last edited by Ky'sMom; 09-21-2012 at 10:09 PM.
I'm with Erin.
And you'd probably think I let Conner run my house. But...it works for us. My biggest issue is getting Syd to not comment back when Conner gets in a mood because it just escalates things. Sometimes Conner just wants to say 1 mean thing and maybe shove something and it's over. I let it pass 'unnoticed' because imo, it's not worth the battle. Unless he's shoving his sister. Then I'll speak up and put him in time out.
I don't know if his complaints are for real because he does like to drag out bedtime and I've taken him to the dr. before to make sure there wasn't something going on. But just to be safe I like to stop the eating well before he goes to bed.
I also cut off drinks early but that also ends in a tantrum every day even though I tell him the same thing every day.
Every kid is different and I will say Conner is more stubborn than his sisters were. I'm still hoping that means the worst will be over sooner and his teen years will be easier than his sister's teen years are proving to be.
Oh my goodness, Erin! Ky is SO sweet! I just love that story.
Chrissy, I'm sorry you've been hurt by that guy. I swear, if dbf and I are ever apart I will stay alone. It's all just too much with men sometimes isn't it?
I guess there is pretty fine line between letting the kids run the house and keeping the peace. I usually lean towards keeping the peace above all else. Dbf thinks that I let the kids "get away too much" but i'm like Erin in that if they want to tantrum I let them go on with their bad selves. Yesterday at the dr Kai was eating a banana and Sawyer wanted a bite. Kai wouldn't give him one so dbf snatched it out of his hands and broke a piece off for Sawyer. Holy. Crap. Kai flipped out. He was screaming so loud that I cringed. That is very out of character for him, btw, I think he was nervous about the dr or something. Anyway, I just picked him up and brought him outside to the sidewalk, put him down and told him to go ahead and finish and let me know when he was done so we could go back in. Dbf came out and started lecturing me about how Kai needs to be punished for his behavior. I really don't know what he expected me to do. Of course the first thing he suggested was take away his bedtime story since he saw how upset they were about that after they were fighting in the hallway the other night. To him the more upset they are over the punishment I guess the more effective it is. Anyway, my point is that I try to avoid those types of outbursts if there is any way possible. My mil also thought, when the kids were toddlers, that I set no limits for them and let them rule the household. But now she goes on and on about how well behaved they are so I guess I did something right.
I'm off to my friends party.
And yeah, my plan is to stay alone. Not only are the quirky little interpersonal things you have to work out and compromise on when you meet someone and connect with them, but then for me there's the whole trust issue thing. I opened my heart to this guy and he knew everything about me. I couldn't work with him 'cause he made me nuts, but we were friends despite that and maintained constant contact after I left. I mistakenly thought he could be someone I could lean on emotionally. Now that I've learned he's not and is instead rather self-centered, I not only feel crushed and the whole sense of loss of losing 1 of my very few friends, but I also question my ability to judge anyone. I worked with him for 4 years and couldn't see it? That must indicate there's something wrong with me and I know I'm never going to trust anyone with my heart again.
I'm sick today and I honestly don't know if it's because I caught something or if I'm dwelling on this whole thing too much. I had a nice dream about him and when I woke up, it was like the "break-up" started all over again. I couldn't stop myself from crying hard and that's when I realized I felt sick. I keep getting nauseous but I'm also heartbroken so I don't know. I wish I had work. I don't do well when I don't have something to do. I know I should just go do something, but I won't. I'm going to sit here & just be miserable.
It would be fine if he went off to tantrum in his room, mutter to himself, sulk and whatever, but I have a problem with him throwing food, throwing the dog gate, kicking the dog, kicking me. I don't think that's an acceptable way of handling anger. Then again I'm not one to talk about handling anger.
I'm sorry you're taking it so hard Chrissy. I'm sorry I made the offhand comment about it being a fling a while back. I didn't know you wanted it to be serious.
Does Josh have a place you take him to when he throws things or is violent Kate?
Ky had his room, and I took out practically everything in it until he stopped throwing things around. Also, I am not one to not spank a child and I would tell him he could go crazy in his room but if he came out and I took him back and he tried to hit me or throw something at me, I would swat his butt a few times. He didn't like it so would just go and do his thing in his room. I sometimes would pick him up and take him there. Then I'd tell him when he wad done he could come out and I'd close the door. If he came out and was still upset, I'd tell him to go back until he was completely calm. A lot of times he'd get distracted by reading or playing with toys and I'd hear him playing and call him and speak about how ways he could control himself better and how he should not throw things. I also gave him suggestions of things to do when he was angry - yelling as loud as he could in a pillow or even out loud if he needed to. Beating up his big teddy bear (that thing is destroyed now, he still likes wrestling the bear, the thing doesn't have a head lol). Punching pillows. Tensing his body up really tight. Breathing deeply and counting backwards from 100 to 1. Lots of different things.
But Like I said, I would not get really riled up in front of him when he did those things. And he is proof that with consistency it will get better because all the things you say Josh does reminds me of him and he is the sweetest, calmest child now, he does still get frustrated at when something is hard he is trying to do and he can't get it done. But he will take a deep breath and keep trying instead of going crazy like he used to.
Erin, I don't have a place to take him to when he's being violent. He has books and toys in his room and he tears the sheets off his bed. We really have no safe rooms. And I don't even know when he'll be violent. He'll sit very quietly for a minute when I tell him no to something and then sometimes he'll grab the nearest thing and throw it or knock it over. By that point if I try to remove him he will hurt me. He's only a foot or so shorter than me now and faster. I've done all those things like offering other ways to deal with his anger, and it doesn't sink in.
It's slowed down a lot but Conner used to do the exact same thing. At the house in Willseyville, I had 3-4 spots of red on the carpet from where he threw his sugar free koolaide. :/ He also broke a window with a plastic cup. The only thing we did was be consistant when he threw stuff...but I'm not sure if it slowed down because he's maturing or because of us. Since May he's gotten in a huff and thrown something 3-4 times, but it used to be numerous times a day so I consider it progress. If he's just tossing his pillows or throwing his blankets, I let him. He can't really hurt anything with those.
My friend from elementary school actually texted me last night and asked if I was busy. I invited her over and it turns out she's going through a similar thing with a breakup. She'd also been married for a very long time and said when that was over it didn't hurt. It had been over for so long she never grieved when they finally split and divorced. That's much like the end of my relationship with Rich. I still haven't felt the urge to cry even once about our marriage ending, but this whole thing with the former boss has hurt. She's been involved with someone for nearly a year and he up and decided it wasn't working for him. We spent the night commiserating and laughing at ourselves for feeling like teenagers fighting the urge to send messages every 30 seconds. Even though I hate that she's hurting, it did help a great deal. She was avoiding her family because hearing "he's not worth it" just doesn't help. Intellectually, we both know that. But it's like that quote says, "The heart has its reasons of which reason knows nothing." We both just want this period to end. I still don't think I'll ever trust anyone enough to feel love for them. It's not worth it.
I'm glad you found someone to commiserate with - I know that it must be hard to find someone who will not make you feel guilty about R and instead listen to you about what is hurting your heart right now.
Last edited by girlwonder; 09-23-2012 at 10:49 AM.
"Any idiot can face a crisis; it is this day-to-day living that wears you out." -Anton Chekhov
Chrissy, what a bummer that you're dealing with heartbreak in the middle of so many other transitions in your life. What I used to do with painful breakups was to do sort of countdown to 30 days. I'd tell myself I was going to feel better about the guy in that amount of time and with the right amount of distance.
When I was "single", I wasn't someone who spent much time completely uninvolved with some guy. There was always someone that I was dating or at least crushing hard on. So I'm not one to talk, but I do have my regrets about not focusing on myself more when I had so much freedom to focus just on myself. So for you, perhaps this time alone will be exactly what you need. Since you went through the difficulties of striking out on your own, maybe you should see what self-discoveries you can make from being completely alone for awhile.
With your former boss, I feel like I've been there. His behavior sounds so galling and a violation of your trust. My suggestion is to start trying to accept the possibility that he won't give you a satisfactory answer or apology for his actions with you. If so, it'll be frustrating, and you'll need to find another outlet. I hope you find a healthy, positive one. (Love that you've started posting your runs on FB, btw).
Erin, I love that Ky has a first crush. Let us know if he decides to give her those cards. What a sweetie.
Bridget, I can totally relate to the banana incident. DH often escalates situations with B too, when a more creative response could have diffused all the tension.
I'm not a perfect parent, but I've observed that the less of my own ego I put into parenting, the better mom I am. Sometimes DH lets it get to him on a personal level that he wasn't obeyed. He has power struggles with B, and I hear myself reminding him, "You know he's 3, right? You're having a pissing match with. a 3 year old."
B will usually remind us these days that he's "3 and 3 quarters". Tells just about everyone he meets actually.
Katy, thanks for the happy birthday.
And no worries about me dating. I've given it a lot of thought and I really have no interest. My mother, aunt, and maternal grandmother were all single at young ages and never dated or remarried again. I can see myself living like that and being perfectly happy doing so.
Been a busy few days, guys. Haven't had much of a chance to catch up. My parents are here, and dad's cooking up a storm. My brother and nephew just left yesterday, and they've taught Mira the lovely habit of singing about poop. She thinks it's hilarious, as does DH, which is NOT helping.
Off to read....
Happy birthday, Mylah! I'm sorry I am late, but if you get a chance, tell us if you did anything to celebrate.
I spent my only night away from the kids on Friday night, besides being at the hospital at my C-Section for S., which wasn't really childless. I was too hot and too busy to take advantage of it, since I was helping put on a conference, but it was nice doing this conference without DH and the kids there to stress about.
On Sunday we went hiking on Mt. Diablo, and the children kept running ahead and not listening and they were trying to climb through this crack in the rocks and I sped around to the other side because I knew there was a drop-off and it wasn't safe for S. to come through, and my first thought was, "How cute, a little snake curled up--I'll point this out to the kids." My second thought was, "OMG, that's a rattlesnake." It was right at the end of the crack where they would have jumped out. I lifted them up and out and over the snake, and lectured them very sternly about not running ahead and being better listeners when we tell them to wait for us. Thank goodness I saw it, and I'm so glad I ran fast enough around the rocks to catch them.
Ahhhh! That would terrify me. I try to keep a cool head about things in nature that scare me but a rattle snake would be over my limit.
I was chasing my kids around this weekend too at my friend's party. Her mom lives above a beautiful valley on about 50 acres of wooded land. The driveway winds down through the woods where all the other children aged 3-10ish were being allowed to roam freely without supervision. There were also 4 dogs running loose that I didn't know. Of course everyone told me they were "fine" and it was pretty constant that people were telling me to relax and sit down and have a drink and let them run, the kids always do, it's totally safe blah blah blah. I've known this family for over 15 years and while they are decent enought people, there are a handful of them questionable character and judgement when certain substances are available. I came and left early to get out before too much adult shenanigans began but even in the light of day, I wasn't letting my kids out of sight. Besides, it was a beautiful day and I did enjoy running around with them. Although would have been nice if their father had come to help me out since they don't always want to all go in the same directions. Anyway, I felt like the big time helicopter mom, as they say, even Savana wondered why she couldn't just run off with the other kids. My brother was there but he hasn't been very helpful with the kids lately like he used to be when I showed up to events without dbf. My brothers goes through some diva phases and drives me a little batty. Like this weekend he kept mentioning Sawyer's outfit like it wasn't cool enough our something. He had on a onesie with some tight fitting cotton pants and little leather runners. In my opinion the most perfect outfit for an active toddler but my brother kept telling me to untuck his shirt and why did I dress him so dorky. I was sort of wtf about that because he should know me better that I do not dress my kids to "look cool". It's not our family culture at all. We are clean and comfortable. His main friends are women and I will say that most of the women he hangs out with who are young mothers dress their children really stylish. Like, either boutique stuff or athletic gear but very matchy matchy and adult looking. But that's not how I am and he should know that about me and not try to call me out in a room full of people. I don't feel stupid or anything like that at all it's just akward, unneccesary, and he makes himself look silly imo.
Last edited by Bridget; 09-24-2012 at 08:40 AM.
Oh wow! That would've given me a heart attack for sure, Lydia. And I'll be honest, I would've gone all postal on the kids too.
Bridget, loose running dogs and kids do not make a good mix. I wouldn't even do that with my own dogs, and I am as certain as anyone can be that no one will get bitten. IMO, you are a sensible parent; too bad some people can't recognize it.
I'm back too. I had no internet for a few days as we went up north and I made DH leave the laptop at home.
Bridget, I don't know Hayward is too small town for me. I didn't want to say on FB because we were up there visiting friends....but yeah not a whole to do. The bed and breakfast was pretty nice though. And it was fun to see our friends. But really not a whole lot going on up there. And I was scared that I would see a bear. LOL I could see maybe driving up again for the day to see the lumberjack shows sometime in the summer but not sure I would want to stay overnight or anything.
And I did get up very early yesterday morning so we could get the dogs back for the morning pick up instead of evening. I missed my girls so much and I did sort of cry when I dropped them off Friday. Holy cow were they exhausted last night!
So we were up there with two other couples. One lives there and the other has a family cabin nearby. Both are in our adoption group. One already has a child and wow he is a handful. I don't know that i have ever seen a child tantrum quite like that. He's a young first grader. I will say that they did a good job trying to calm him down and providing a very united front. Something went down when he was playing wii with the guys while the ladies were upstairs chatting. He said he wished his dad would go away, told him to go back downstairs, don't talk to me, wished his dad would kill himself and when mom said that was naughty and we don't say things like that, he said well if he doesn't do it, I will do it for him.
OMG. I will say that he was tired and that didn't help and was out of control bringing up everything under the sun....and when he calmed down he was fine and talking nicely do his dad again.
L, I would have had a heart attack I think!
I actually think I might have snakes in my yard as there are some small snake sized holes in the ground....also have bigger golpher holes. But I don't think that we have rattlers up here.
Bridget, your brother should have known you better too! I fully admit that while I don't care so much about brand names.....I'm pretty certain mine will be dressed pretty matchy matchy especially when I still have total control over clothes. But even I know that isn't something you care about!
Oh Jennifer, I know what you mean about Hayward. When I was a kid we used to rent cabins with my cousins and just swim and play for weeks and it was like paradise for us. A few months before my mom died, my dad suddenly decided we needed to go back up there as a family so we did that and rented a cabin. It was bittersweet because my mom was already out of her head from the meds a little bit and in a lot pain but it was really important to my dad so we all dropped everything to go. We actually drove by the cabins we used stay in. The "resort" is closed down now but man those cabins were small and junky! I remembered them differently. Funny how when you are a kid it doesn't take much for you to think it's spectacular.
That child saying those things would worry me, actually. Does he watch a lot of tv and video games i wonder? My friend's kids play video games all the time and the way they play is always really violent and killing each other. It's very unsettling to me. Was the child adopted as a baby by this couple? Just wondering if maybe he came from a rough childhood or something. That's great they handled him well. I'd be really upset if my child ever said something like that to me.
Oh, and I can't wait to see your baby dressed to the nines, Jennifer.
LOL Yeah if I was into outdoors stuff, I could see it being a cool place. DH and I kind of stand out from the other two couples a bit. They are both from this area....we're from the city. The men like to talk to about cars, motors, hunting, fishing, finishing off their basements themselves....DH and I would hire someone to finish our basement, DH likes cars well enough but doesn't hunt or fish and agrees with me that if he saw his food living....couldn't eat it. At least DH is into Packers and Brewers.
We like things like sci-fy and reading.
And yup, it was video games that got it all started. The guys were playing them....nothing violent this time though. Wii bowling and Wii boxing (ok so violent but not really on a wii using the little Mii characters). I know he also has a DS. And one of the first things was dad said no more video games. Don't know well enough how much TV is watched. The child definitely doesn't handle frustration well at all or not getting his way. I mean I totally expected to hear something like I don't like you anymore or even I hate you. But the killing stuff was an omg moment for me. Don't know what I would have done for that one. And yup he is adopted...internationally but from a country that has pretty good care for kids in the system and they have had him since he was an infant....I want to say like 5 or 6 months old.
LOL Oh and you all will definitely see pictures. I mean if I have already put a few hundred on FB of my dogs....suspect a baby will be worse! I figure most people don't care to see that many of my dogs but they don't have to look. But my parents, my MIL and my sister all live away from me and are on FB and it's the easiest way to share.
I don't know if it will be to the nines....but probably a lot of cute outfits. Even DH walks past some clothes and is like, aww that is cute. And he is an only child so his mom's only grandchild. And will probably be the first one for my mom....my sister wants a baby too but needs to come up with the money to have one. But I don't care about certain name brands or only certain stores....I see plenty of cute outfits at shopko....I tend to shop there the most.
L, eek! "Heart attack" is also the first phrase that came to mind as soon as I read about the rattler. I'm so glad nothing bad came of the situation. Hope it wasn't too hot on Diablo yesterday.
Bridget/Jennifer, I know I must have asked you this before, but have you guys been to the Apostle Islands? I've spent little time in WI, and most of it was spent there, but they were my absolute favorite place to stay (camp) in a 6 week road trip around the US & Canada. I kind of picture Bridget's area to be somewhat similar to the scenery because of it being on the lake and all. We have a lot of nature here in CA, but we don't have the Great Lakes. Lakes Tahoe and Shasta are beautiful, but you don't get the feeling of crispness and vastness that you do with such big masses of fresh water. Best swim of my life was somewhere on the Bruce Peninsula up in Canada on Lake Huron, swimming over crystal clear white rock bottoms. Enjoy what you have up there, girls!
I have meetings for the rest of the day, but also wanted to drop in and share this link to an NPR story about a woman who lost 160 lbs. The transformation was phenomenal and inspiring.