Secular Confessions

[Gwenn]

Yes, that's exactly what he was doing. I'm sure he'd been drinking because he only gets like that when he's had some. It is getting worse though. I don't ever remember him trying to prevent me from doing anything before.

Mandy, I can only imagine the emotional toll this is taking on both of you. It sounds like you're both reacting in different ways and it's causing more hurt and negativity between the two of you. I wish I had some awesome advice, but I think at this stage perhaps a counselor would be really beneficial. I can't help but wonder how much of how he's reacted has to do with PTSD. You know I'm already paranoid about that on your behalf and I'm trying hard not to transfer some of my own feelings/experiences with my dad onto y'all, but it's really feeling pretty familiar. You have the right to feel what you feel. Period. That's true for anyone. That's not picking a fight! I know you know that, but it's still tremendously hard to deal with when you're right in the thick of it.

No, DH definitely doesn't have PTSD. I haven't shared in here, actually, but this summer he was diagnosed with ADHD for the first time (I've always suspected he had it but let him come to his own conclusion about it and he sought out the dx). One thing we both learned from the psych that diagnosed him is that not only do people with ADHD seek out professions and situations with high risk/high stimulation (which I did know) but also that those who have it have much lower rates of PTSD - the theory is that that desire for mental stimulation shields them from the negative effects of PTSD long term. While he definitely had an adjustment period coming back (and who wouldn't?) I don't think he has PTSD and neither does his psych. DH falls into that category of those in the military who seek out the highest level of risk so he really fits that pattern.

Not to say I'm not annoyed at him for picking fights at me last night and blaming me, though (which he is apparently moving on from and ignoring today). I'm always the one who is patient and forgiving, and right now I don't want to be either. DH isn't used to seeing me this way. I'm sure this has far more to do with me than him, but it doesn't mean he's right.

[missychrissy]

No, DH definitely doesn't have PTSD. I haven't shared in here, actually, but this summer he was diagnosed with ADHD for the first time (I've always suspected he had it but let him come to his own conclusion about it and he sought out the dx). One thing we both learned from the psych that diagnosed him is that not only do people with ADHD seek out professions and situations with high risk/high stimulation (which I did know) but also that those who have it have much lower rates of PTSD - the theory is that that desire for mental stimulation shields them from the negative effects of PTSD long term. While he definitely had an adjustment period coming back (and who wouldn't?) I don't think he has PTSD and neither does his psych.

Not to say I'm not annoyed at him for picking fights at me last night and blaming me, though (which he is apparently moving on from and ignoring today). I'm always the one who is patient and forgiving, and right now I don't want to be either. DH isn't used to seeing me this way. I'm sure this has far more to do with me than him, but it doesn't mean he's right.

That's interesting about the ADHD/PTSD correlation. I hadn't read that before. Well..good for him! Whew! ADHD probably isn't fun to deal with, but I can't help but feel PTSD would be worse. At least it's hard on the family to deal with. Maybe I'm wrong on that too though.

I don't think I'm being totally biased to say that I don't believe you should always be the one who is always patient and forgiving. It seems rather one sided and unfair. Is he seeing the psych regularly? Is this something you can bring up in a family session?

I'm still wishing Rich would do family therapy with me. Not to get back together, but to help sort things out. How do we go on from here? How can we still be united parents to our kids? I'm really annoyed that he's totally blaming me for the end of our marriage and he's not taking any responsibility whatsoever. I'm not annoyed in that it hurts my feelings or that I'm blaming myself. I don't. But it's not healthy for him nor our kids to hear it. And it's not correct. I'm hoping it's just a phase. I don't want him totally blaming himself, but he can't totally blame me either. It's all or nothing with him. I guess I may as well accept the fact that it's another symptom of his alcoholism and it's just always going to be there. In his mind, I walked away from a perfectly fine marriage for no reason than to go sleep around.

[Gwenn]

I agree, it's definitely the alcohol talking, and so long as that is in the picture there will be no ability to self-reflect. Having been down that road, I have to suggest that I don't think family counseling would even do any good until he is in a place where he is mentally able to accept responsibility for his actions, which from what you say he definitely is not.

DH sees the psych once a month or so to have his meds adjusted and figure out what he needs, but I think as that becomes clearer he'll see less of the doctor. Actually, after his last appointment, DH told me the doctor specifically wanted me to look for patterns of DH being angrier or having a quicker temper than usual - I had forgotten he said that until just now as I went to write it! Definitely the adderall may have some impact on this as well - I have noticed changes in how we interact, for example he's a lot more talkative than he ever was before he started taking it. I'm going to have to do some research on adderall, sounds like. It could definitely be affecting him right now. Neither of us are sold on the adderall - we can't tell if it's a positive change overall or not, although he is definitely getting more things done which was the goal. He's taking some classes this semester and working toward his degree, which is fantastic. But that just started, too - more change for him.

I don't know that we are in a place where we need family counseling, but honestly considering where I am right now I might seek some out for myself. I don't like the way I am right now.

[missychrissy]

Intellectually I know you're right about Rich's alcoholism standing in the way. My heart doesn't want to admit it...but I wouldn't be here if it weren't for his drinking. I know I wouldn't be.

Counseling can be a great help. I had to stop because I couldn't afford to continue any longer, but I'm glad I went when I did. It helped tremendously. If I ever get to that point again, or even close to it, I'll definitely return.

[demigraf]

Hugs to both of you ladies. We are rushing to get things done before the week starts again, so I have to keep it brief, but wanted to jump in and let you know I'm here and feeling for you.

I'll be back on later this evening, hopefully ready share some cute pics of the kids from today.

[Cosmosmom]

Chrissy, that is such a messy situation with so many people involved plus alcohol. it has to be so hard for everyone.


Mandy, have you seen this http://vitals.nbcnews.com/_news/2012...-suggests?lite

I can totally see that. I felt the IF more than anything in my life. I never thought it would be me and when it was me, it was so hard to get a handle on. I could only deal with just three rounds of clomid and I was done with treatments. I started drinking as a way to cope (not good since it's been shown that when people have gastric bypass that they have a high rate of alcoholism and it runs in my genetics anyway). It's only been this summer that I have started to knock that off and get myself back together again. Before we started on adoption, I had some awfully nasty breakdowns like nothing I have ever experienced.
And yup, we fought more often than normal. In many ways I'm the planner of the family and I'm definitely the optimist....dh calls me a cheerleader. And it was not easy when the dynamic changed during that time and I was depressed and crabby and crying since in all the years together, he hadn't seen me like that.

[Cosmosmom]

Oh and cute curtains Ashley!

[Gwenn]

Jennifer, I think you've hit the nail on the head. If either of us has PTSD, it's me and not DH. I was vaguely aware of that stat but hadn't really thought much about it.

Yeah, this latest appointment is really hitting me in a way my initial appt didn't. I left our first meeting with the idea that I was under medical care and there was nothing serious to worry about so it would soon be resolved. This was pretty much the opposite of that, emotionally ... I feel like I'm "really" infertile now, or something. I can relate to why you started drinking, Jennifer - if I weren't so averse to alcohol after my experience with DH before he stopped, I might have started myself. Instead, I'm just feeling sorry for myself and wanting DH to feel the same way. Honestly, I can't be much fun to be married to at the moment - but I still need him to hold me up. He's usually very good at that.

[Janeen]

[Bridget]

Oh, Jennifer and Gwenn, I am feeling so sad for both of you right now. Life really is **** sometimes. We all just have to hold on to that hope that both of you will become mothers one day very soon, one way or another. you both.

[missychrissy]

Oh, Jennifer and Gwenn, I am feeling so sad for both of you right now. Life really is **** sometimes. We all just have to hold on to that hope that both of you will become mothers one day very soon, one way or another. you both.

Agreed

[raspberry]

Big hugs to Mandy and Jennifer. We know that someway, somehow you both will become mothers one day.

[raspberry]

whew it's been a rough day around here. We all woke up in a funk, and the weather was rainy with that storm out in the gulf, so that didn't help matters. We took G out to the play area in the mall, which we both hate, but that is not a lot of choice around when it's rainy. If it weren't for the lightening I would have just let G play outside in the rain with his new umbrella. But off to the mall we go, G ran around, but dh was in a mood so that wasn't any fun. Then we went shopping, and G was a real pita. He was just a real stinker all day long. He went to bed early, I am hoping he wakes up happy tomorrow. Then we settled down to watch an episode of The Closer, and the ending hit too close for home for me and now I am sad and weepy. gahh. tomorrow must be better.

[raspberry]

Hi Janeen, long time no see. Wow your son is so big and he's so cute!

[Bridget]

We had a funky day too

Hi Janeen.

[Janeen]

Hi Janeen, long time no see. Wow your son is so big and he's so cute!

Thanks!

It's funny to hear people say he's so big because really, he's a little guy.

[3andMe]

Keep in mind that it's been like a year since we've seen him, Janeen. He seems way big to us! Welcome back! Give us an update!

Mandy, Jennifer, hugs to both of you. I have seen some of the PTSD articles, and I can really see why it would be relevant.

Mylah, it was great seeing you all today! Sorry I was still sick, but I tried to take some cold medicine so I could not sneeze and cough on anyone and I tried my best to pull it together. I hope you guys had fun.

[Janeen]

An update...well hmm lol

I'm trying to get out of the 9-5 rut and move into doula work. I just posted my first ad today actually! I haven't felt confident enough to take clients yet but I'm beginning to, and I think that I probably fully won't until I just do it! Jimi has gotten two promotions at his job within the last 6 months or so and he still loves his job.

I posted in the MIG school thread that we enrolled James into Montessori preschool. Well, we toured three on Thursday, one on Friday, decided we love the one that we toured on Friday and let them know...and Jimi is paying the deposit on Wednesday to secure the spot. James can't start until November when he'll be officially 2.5 though.

We've living in an actual HOUSE for the first time in the almost eight years we have been together. Oh we love it!

We did six back to back inseminations recently and then I decided I needed a break. Whew, that was turning me into a nutcase I tell ya! Then I spontaneously started a cycle last month so I got some Clomid from a friend ( ) and said what the hell and took it. We'll see how it turns out! LOL

[missychrissy]

Luck on your doula business!!! And with cycling too It sounds like it's been a great year for you!

[demigraf]

I just wanted to share a pic from one of my favorite moments today, which was riding the Jolly Trolley with B & R, and another little friend. They were really having a great time! (I have more to share, but I'll send to L first.)

[Gwenn]

Two of the cutest little guys I know, in the same picture! Thanks for sharing.

[AmeriBrit]

Well, hey there, Janeen! I've wondered what you've been up to! James looks so grown up from the last time I saw pictures of him.

Myles, that is a great picture of the boys. I bet y'all had a great day together.

Mandy, I'm sorry you and your dh have been arguing. I wish I had some sage advice for you.

This time next week I will have started my new job and Cash will have started daycare. I am so nervous! For 3 mornings this week, i'll take Cash to do his settling in sessions, but I don't know how he's going to adjust to being there. He's never stayed with anyone but me and his gran. He'll have to get the hitting and pushing out of his system that he currently has going on.

[AmeriBrit]

Well, hey there, Janeen! I've wondered what you've been up to! James looks so grown up from the last time I saw pictures of him.

Myles, that is a great picture of the boys. I bet y'all had a great day together.

Mandy, I'm sorry you and your dh have been arguing. I wish I had some sage advice for you.

This time next week I will have started my new job and Cash will have started daycare. I am so nervous! For 3 mornings this week, i'll take Cash to do his settling in sessions, but I don't know how he's going to adjust to being there. He's never stayed with anyone but me and his gran. He'll have to get the hitting and pushing out of his system that he currently has going on.

[Bridget]

Good luck with everything, Ash! I get butterflies every time I think about our whole new life schedule starting next week.

I keep waiting to get unfriended by an old "friend" from when I lived in Hawaii. He alternates his extreme religious posts with really hateful posts aimed towards democrats in general and lots of stuff about Obama. Nothing fact based, mind you and I've linked him to snopes plenty of times to show that the propaganda he is posting are lies and I be sure to note that lying is against the 10 commandments. I alternate that with posting "WWJD?" or "That's not very christ-like of you" on the hateful messages. Lol. He hasn't responded once! I don't know why I don't just unfriend him already but he's like a train wreck and I just can't look away even though I really, really want to.

[missychrissy]

I just wanted to share a pic from one of my favorite moments today, which was riding the Jolly Trolley with B & R, and another little friend. They were really having a great time! (I have more to share, but I'll send to L first.)

Too cute!

Well, hey there, Janeen! I've wondered what you've been up to! James looks so grown up from the last time I saw pictures of him.

Myles, that is a great picture of the boys. I bet y'all had a great day together.

Mandy, I'm sorry you and your dh have been arguing. I wish I had some sage advice for you.

This time next week I will have started my new job and Cash will have started daycare. I am so nervous! For 3 mornings this week, i'll take Cash to do his settling in sessions, but I don't know how he's going to adjust to being there. He's never stayed with anyone but me and his gran. He'll have to get the hitting and pushing out of his system that he currently has going on.

Awww...I'm really anxious about Conner starting school the 5th too. I'm sure he'll make friends once he's there, but it's going to be a huge change. I'm not ready!

Good luck with everything, Ash! I get butterflies every time I think about our whole new life schedule starting next week.

I keep waiting to get unfriended by an old "friend" from when I lived in Hawaii. He alternates his extreme religious posts with really hateful posts aimed towards democrats in general and lots of stuff about Obama. Nothing fact based, mind you and I've linked him to snopes plenty of times to show that the propaganda he is posting are lies and I be sure to note that lying is against the 10 commandments. I alternate that with posting "WWJD?" or "That's not very christ-like of you" on the hateful messages. Lol. He hasn't responded once! I don't know why I don't just unfriend him already but he's like a train wreck and I just can't look away even though I really, really want to.

I don't know how you stay friends with him either I had to hide some people 'cause I couldn't stand reading their garbage.

It's Monday. Ick.

[Ky'sMom]

Hi Janeen!! Long time no see!

Good luck to you all with your new routines. We have a new one too but luckily it doesn't differ much from what I was doing last year. Ky's school moved to a new building and Elle moved to the new preschool but his new school is about 3 blocks closer than the old one, which cut down our commute in the morning from 12 to 7 minutes. Elle's school is closer to my job than her daycare was so I can get there pretty quickly too, but there is a ton of traffic there since it is downtown, plus an elementary school is next door that starts at 8am and since we usually get there around 7:55 am, I get stuck in that school's traffic, plus downtown rush hour traffic, which I don't like but it is not much different.

Good luck with everything, Ash! I get butterflies every time I think about our whole new life schedule starting next week.

I keep waiting to get unfriended by an old "friend" from when I lived in Hawaii. He alternates his extreme religious posts with really hateful posts aimed towards democrats in general and lots of stuff about Obama. Nothing fact based, mind you and I've linked him to snopes plenty of times to show that the propaganda he is posting are lies and I be sure to note that lying is against the 10 commandments. I alternate that with posting "WWJD?" or "That's not very christ-like of you" on the hateful messages. Lol. He hasn't responded once! I don't know why I don't just unfriend him already but he's like a train wreck and I just can't look away even though I really, really want to.

Bridget, you are hilarious!! I have a couple friends like that. I mentioned in another thread I have a "birther" FB friend, a guy who thinks that Pres. Obama was born in Kenya (what they first thought) or that due to his father being an immigrant he is not a "natural born citizen" (what they tout now that Obama released the "long form" birth certificate). Birthers are crazy personified IMO and I love going back and forth with him and showing him what an idiot he is but I do it in a nice way. Their latest thing is that the "long form" birth certificate released was a forgery and now they are back to saying Obama was born in Kenya ever since I gave him a reference to the Wong Ark Kim case of the 19th century where it was determined by the supreme court that anyone born in this country is a "natural born" citizen. He knew of the case but was twisting it up due to believing some unreputable birther websites.

The internet has really made me see how many naive people we have living amongst us and it actually is pretty frightening for me how naive they are and quick to believe crazy things. It reminds me of Germans during the Nazi reign, how easily the vast majority of Germans fell for the "master race" crap that Hitler spewed and how they got behind him and his agenda of killing so many people and invading so many countries and how once they finally started to speak up, even those that thought Hitler was crazy from the get-go, it was too late. I am always hoping that these internet people are just faking it to be "internet popular." Comments I read on a political forum I frequent are really crazy. One of my favorites that certain posters continue to spout is that black people get "free stuff" all the time from the government LOL. I keep telling them that whatever this black free stuff is, I haven't gotten anything and honestly I would like some "free stuff" LOL.

Erin

[Suja]

I just wanted to share a pic from one of my favorite moments today, which was riding the Jolly Trolley with B & R, and another little friend. They were really having a great time! (I have more to share, but I'll send to L first.)

They're SO adorable together!

I think that because of my ethnicity and the fact that most of my FB friends are ones I acquired as a grown-up, I am generally not subject to hate speech/outright lies. Even my card carrying Republican friends are nice, sensible people, and on the whole, socially liberal, which helps a lot.

Mandy, I'm sorry you're going through a rough patch. Maybe articulating to him exactly what you've told us would help? It's been my experience that men in general aren't particularly clueful when it comes to taking hints, and you're best off telling them exactly what's going on.

Chrissy, it's a shame Rich has regressed so much. He has seemed like a decent guy and a good father, except when there is alcohol involved.

[Cosmosmom]

Jennifer, I think you've hit the nail on the head. If either of us has PTSD, it's me and not DH. I was vaguely aware of that stat but hadn't really thought much about it.

Yeah, this latest appointment is really hitting me in a way my initial appt didn't. I left our first meeting with the idea that I was under medical care and there was nothing serious to worry about so it would soon be resolved. This was pretty much the opposite of that, emotionally ... I feel like I'm "really" infertile now, or something. I can relate to why you started drinking, Jennifer - if I weren't so averse to alcohol after my experience with DH before he stopped, I might have started myself. Instead, I'm just feeling sorry for myself and wanting DH to feel the same way. Honestly, I can't be much fun to be married to at the moment - but I still need him to hold me up. He's usually very good at that.

Yeah I can totally sympathize. I know at first I thought oh I will just take some clomid and I should end up pg. It's because of clomid that my DH is here so I figured it would work for us. Nope.

I think that IF generally hits women much much harder, especially when we know it's not male factor. And than when it's unexplained, just that much worse. I mean if I knew I didn't have a uterus I wouldn't be able to have any hope. But instead it's almost like I don't want to do anything because than I get that sliver of hope going....if you don't try that much, you know that there isn't a chance and that was just easier.

The whole thing is just so hard on couples.

[Cosmosmom]

Suja that is good advice. Best thing DH did right when we were first chatting before we even met was tell me that he's horrible with hints and that he needed directness. I still hint sometimes and sometimes he gets it but I don't get mad if he doesn't get it and than I have to be pretty direct. And in general he's way more sensitive and emotional than most men.


Hi Janeen!


Thanks for all the good thoughts everyone! Most of the time now I am in a pretty good place....but writing about it last night brought back how hard it was to get here. I fully believe that I will end up with a baby...either we will get a match or eventually a safe haven baby. It was hard for me, much more than DH, to give up the biology. He just didn't have this picture in his head the way I did of a mini version of us. And I have seen adoption work with my cousins...they are now 8 and 10 yrs old and I see a lot of their moms in them....and the family loves them just as if my aunt birthed them. And yet still, hard for me to give that biology up and the idea that my plan wasn't going to work out as I pictured it. I had to come up with a new plan and reconcile that in my head.

Oh that picture of the boys together is so cute!

I am lucky in that most of my FB are more like me than not....a few religious ones but I can deal with that. Only DH's cousin has annoyed me as she's suddenly republican....but she has shut up since the recall in my state has been done. I don't care that much for this cousin and to make it even more fun is that we have the same name....and her new fiance has the same name as my DH.

[3andMe]

Mylah, that picture of the boys is adorable! It's too bad DS looks like he walked into a wood-chipper (he fell off the monkey-bars forehead-first into the wood chips at school). I will say again that's it's always wonderful seeing you, and even if it's just a few times a year I feel like it's so comfortable and easy because I feel like I know you well through here.

First day of school for the twins! It went really well. I'll have time to post more later. I have to put away laundry, start another load of laundry, put away dishes, and put away groceries in the next half hour before I go pick them up.