Secular Confessions

[missychrissy]

I just knew I would. I didn't know how...but the 'finding the man' part didn't bother me. Well, not beyond when I'd meet him. Even though we're separated now, I have no regrets about the 19 years I spent with Rich. I can't think of anyone else I'd rather have children with.

But speaking of the children...I'm really struggling with some things. I told y'all about Conner's temper tantrums. I do think it's a combination of him being over tired and his age and I think he'll outgrow it. But the other issue I have is Syd's reaction to him when he starts 'going there'. Sometimes he gives signs that he's starting to be in a fowl mood. With some gentle handling, I can sometimes keep him pretty happy and calm. But Syd gets short of patience and she'll say/do things that aggravate him. Tonight I had to put in some effort to appease/calm him and we were sitting on the couch all quiet and happy and she walked by and said, "You're such a spoiled brat Conner." Then he threw his dish of ice cream and started crying. I got him calmed down from that, and asked her to go to her room or outside if she couldn't tolerate him. Of course when I said 'outside' he wanted to go to and instead of suggesting something they could do out there, or going for a walk with Mom, she snapped really harsh at him, "NO! You're NOT coming outside! I'm going out there to GET AWAY FROM YOU!" So then his whole dinner went flying and he started the kicking/screaming/total melt-down that he had the other night.

I'm not saying it's always her fault. Heck, I don't think his attitude started tonight because of her at all. But she doesn't help when she gets like that and in fact it exacerbates it. I cannot get him calmed down if she's throwing out those little verbal digs at him while he's already feeling sad/tired/upset. She got really upset with me and screamed at me because I told her she needed to go home to dad. She sent me a message on Facebook telling me she hopes I'm never happy and she doesn't ever want to see me again and that I acted like a 2 year old. I'm ignoring that statement and just replied that I was only trying to calm Conner down and that her attitude wasn't helping and i was sorry if her feelings were hurt.

I'm at a loss as to what to do about this because she will not stop if I ask her to. She will continue saying stuff to get him upset if she's in that sort of mood. It's overwhelming to me.

[missychrissy]

I just got this announcement in my work email Mandy & thought of you

Calling all parents, providers, and other stakeholders!

Please join us NEXT WEDNESDAY, July 18 at 6:00pm for a FREE WORKSHOP in Ithaca on New York’s new Autism Insurance Law. This law requires most health insurance plans to cover treatment for autism spectrum disorders, including Applied Behavior Analysis, speech therapy, occupational therapy, and physical therapy. Come learn about YOUR RIGHTS under this important new law! With Judith Ursitti, Director of State Government Affairs at Autism Speaks.

This is the kind of progress that makes me happy. We're not there yet, clearly, but hopefully in my lifetime we'll see everything covered. For everyone.

[Bridget]

How old is Syd again?

I know it's totally different ages but Savana has zero patience for Sawyer most of the time and I find myself getting upset with her that she won't just chill out. I have tried giving her the control like you told Syd as in, "If he is bothering you, go in your room and shut the door" I have reprimanded her for yelling at him and tried to explain to her that he doesn't realize what he is doing. But none of that matters to her because she is caught up in her own feelings. I have to remind myself that she needs the exact same loving tenderness that I am asking her to give to Sawyer. When I change my approach and let her know that I totally understand how frustrating it is when Sawyer (pick one)
a)eats her markers
b)kicks her in the face while I'm reading her a book and he is nursing
c)throws wooden blocks at her
It changes her reaction. I lay it on thick. "I'm so sorry. I love you so much. I know this is hard for you when he does this."
It disrupts her focus on every annyoing thing he is doing and allows her to move on. Don't know if that would work in your situation but thought I'd throw it out there.

[missychrissy]

I have tried that and she just jumps on me. And continues. She's 13. When I suggested she go to her room before, she screamed at me, "WHY SHOULD I HAVE TO LEAVE? HE'S THE ONE MISBEHAVING!?" And then she accuses me of loving him more or showing him favoritism.

I did get loud with her after 1/2 an hour of it and asked her firmly to either go to her room or go outside and get away from him and now she's saying (via facebook messenger) that that's all I do is scream and b!tch all the time and she's sick of it. I'm really getting upset with her now because she's been here 2-3 days and we haven't had one single incident between me and her at all. The other night when Conner threw his fit she was in a better place to roll with it and didn't say a word, and I certainly didn't scream at him. I wasn't even screaming tonight. Just firm. And maybe a little loud.

[missychrissy]

I talked to Rich. We've decided that for the time being, Syd & Conner can switch places when Conner is with me. Syd has been staying primarily with me anyway and Conner's only been coming down every other night (since I stopped going to Rich's every night). He's only here for 3-4 hours during the week. She can visit with her dad for that time.

It's not an ideal solution, but I think everyone will be happier in the interim.

I think Syd's issue is jealousy. She's admitted she likes being down here because it's like being an only child and she loves it. She just finished her tirade at me by saying that ever since he was born she's been treated like sh!t. She had me all to herself for days without any issues whatsoever and then Conner comes down for 2 hours and she can't just either ignore him or leave? And she gets angry at me.

Ugh.

[girlwonder]

I hope that solution works for you. Wish it was easier.

Suja- I was the same way. Didn't really expect to have kids, never really thought I was ready or prepared enough.

[missychrissy]

For all that we didn't have a really good night and the other night when I totally failed to appease Conner, I still feel better, happier, more at peace. I long to have my kids around more, but I keep telling myself that there are dads all over this country that go through this same thing (being separated from their kids) and it's not about me. It's about what's best for them. I do wonder what repercussions (if any) there will be for me, their mother, moving out. But I cannot think of any other solution that wouldn't cause strife.

Even with that heartache and doubt and worry, I'm still happier on my own than I was there. A part of me says I should feel selfish and like a rotten mother, but I can't feel that way. I think the selfish thing would have been to take the kids away from their home. Or kick Rich out (if I even could have?) knowing he couldn't have affording to rent an apartment with enough space for his kids.

[Gwenn]

Chrissy, I'm so sorry about your evening. You're right, and Syd is probably jealous.

Not sure if they still do this, but my dh has talked about in England at about age 10 schools guide the child based on their interests and academia record to a chosen career. You are either college material or you are not. My dh has dyslexia, so he always felt that college wasn't in the cards for him. He actually went to agriculture college in the UK. He was growing organics back in the day before anyone else was. Then as a young 20 something he went back to college for a degree in marine science. Just because he wanted to scuba dive and move out of England. Ha!

I got side tracked but I wish more schools/counselors would help students with careers choices.

I had a co-worker a few years ago who is from England. She said back when she was a girl they had something called the eleven plus exam. Your results on that exam pretty much determined your entire academic future, whether you were prepped to attend a college prep high school, or you were stuck with fewer education opportunities. L happened to be from a poor family and came from a part of London where she spoke in a Cockney accent (she doesn't now, but can still put it on for effect). Immediately after taking this exam, she moved to a much more affluent area of London and because of her accent, everyone assumed she was stupid. Then, over the summer break, the results of the test were announced, and she had the highest score of anyone in her school. She also won some sort of science contest and all her teachers had to eat their words. She's a brilliant woman and about to complete her PhD in my field. Her PhD advisor is one of the most demanding professors I have ever known and I was actually a little scared of her, too. L said her dissertation work was even more brutal than what most students have to do.

She said they don't give the eleven plus exam anymore. I think it's sad that there were kids like her who, because of their accents, were misjudged and may not have had the chance she did to prove what they could really learn. I also think it's great we can go back to school later in life - like most of you, I didn't know what I wanted to do until later, so I'm glad I wasn't locked into anything and could make my own choices further down the line.

[Suja]

Chrissy, can you talk to Syd when you're alone together, get her input on what to do with Conner, how she can help, etc.? She is a kid herself, and at an awkward age, so maybe planning a course of action together would help mitigate some of the sourness.

[AmeriBrit]

I have so much to catch up on; you ladies have been chatty lately!

Chrissy, would a heart to heart chat with Syd be any good where you can tell her how her actions are affecting others?

I have to confess that I have no idea what a 401k is; I have a pension through work and there is a government one as well that all people get when they turn a certain age (which I guess is like how social security works?) We keep saying we'll start a college fund for both kids but have not done so yet since we use most of our money for surviving (and the occasional vacation!) I didn't really get in to much debt from going to college; I got scholarships and a small loan, which my parents then agreed to pay off for me once I graduated college. I am the first in my family to graduate high school let alone college!

I don't like the high school system here in England; kids 'leave' school at 16 and then can go on to 'college' for 2 years before they go on to 'university' at 18. While in college, they focus on 2 or 3 subjects that they specialize in before going to uni for 3 years. They've introduced other things now, though, that help kids focus on vocational skills as well and also an international bacculerate (sp?) that is supposed to be more in line with the American school system. Up until about 2 years ago, college and university was socially funded, so no one paid tuition fees. Once the Conservatives got voted in, they changed it, and now most colleges/unis charge kids the maximum fee of £9000 a year. People are still outraged by it, which to me, is weird since as an American, I've always had to pay for my education.

My kids are driving me crazy this morning. They have started full on fighting here lately. Cash attacks Travis a lot and they fight over toys ALL THE TIME. This morning, they fought over some Lego blocks and I tried to leave them to work it out themselves and it escalated to Cash picking up the small kitchen trash can and tipping all the trash out on to the floor, so I shouted at them to both get out of the kitchen while I cleaned it up. They both stood at the kitchen door shouting and crying while I cleaned up. Ugh. It's days like today that I think 'It's going to be great going back to work full-time!'

[missychrissy]

I love how England has been socially minded and I get their anger. They feel like they're going backwards and not giving their children/grandchildren the opportunities that they had. I'd be outraged too.

And believe me, Syd and I have talked and talked and talked. And we talked some more last night. I've pointed out, suggested, and ordered (in the midst of meltdowns) alternative ways of behaving/reacting to Conner. I know she's a kid. And she had 2-3 days of alone time with Mom just before this happened. He wasn't even at my house 2 hours when he started to get antsy, and she started jabbing him verbally.

I'm not blaming her or even angry. I'm just really, really at my wits end because I don't know what else to do. I'm afraid maybe I've been too lax and maybe should be more firm actually.

[MashedUp]

I always planned on going to vet school. Then it came time to apply and I realized just how much money it would cost and how little I would make in return and began to second guess it. Then, one day while I was working at the vet clinic (I had been working there all through high school and college) and cleaning my 15th set of infected dog ears that day, I just decided that I didn't want to do that for the rest of my life. I have a BA in biology and a minor in chemistry and work for a small biotechnology company doing research to develop new products. I probably make just as much now, if not more than I would have been making as a vet and I'd be 150k more in debt than I am now. Instead, my student loans are payed off already. Some day, when my kids are older, I hope to go back to school to become a certified nurse midwife, but that may just be a pipe dream.

[AbbeysMom]

I'm the odd one out, I guess. Having kids was never on my radar.

Me either... until I met my DH I couldn't imagine inflicting any guy I dated as a father-figure on a child (I seemed to have a thing for musicians and artists who were generally unstable/insecure). Wanting kids didn't happen until after I met DH, and even then, it wasn't until I was pregnant and Abbey was born that I realized how much being a mom would change my life... it was definitely a "oh, so *this* is what it's all about" kind of epiphany.

[Ky'sMom]

I always considered myself a "renaissance girl" when I was younger. Like they used to teach us that Leonardo DaVinci was a Renaissance Man because he was so good at so many things - from art to science. I was like that as well as I was good at all core subjects and I felt it (and still feel it) difficult to chose one thing I would like to do. Oddly enough I either wanted to be a physician or a professor so that I could be a Doctor lol! I have always loved science and felt being a doctor is the best way to put science to good use in working to better the health of the public. But I also loved reading and writing, writing is one of my passions and I love it because it is a way to be creative and expressive and I always felt I was good at getting a point across simply, without a bunch of big words as I never felt the need to try prove I was some sort of academic.

I am still kind of undecided about a career path. I went back to school to finish my undergrad degree just because I got laid off of my job at the bank since they moved our department to TN so they could pay people in my case $20K less per year than what I was getting paid. But I didn't like that job anyway and was burnt out so went back to school.

I still haven't decided if I want to go the academic professor route or the physcian science route. I went and spoke to some of my old professors about getting a MA or PhD and they were excited at the prospect of me coming back, but I am hesitant only because of sparse job opportunities, even though the field I would teach would primarily be composition and rhetoric since I love writing and the art of debate. This field is stable as most colleges/universities need a lot of comp teachers. But I feel it may not be challenging for me and am considering going ahead and getting a post bacc in pre-med and see where I go from there. But that would be $15K out of pocket for me with no opporutnity for outside financing - no scholarships or grants, so I would eithe have to take out another loan or pay out of pocket, which I could do but it would be a hell of a time for us financially if I did that. We have survived on less and I am a weirdo because I think of how it would lower our tax bracket since education expenses are tax deductible (I am too much of a tax nerd in these matters!).

But I am kind of sick of my job. Plus our contract with the housing authority will be up this time next year and there is no guarantee my company will be awarded a new contract. We do have other properties that we take care of for other agencies but honestly my boss gets on my freaking nerves and I think she is a flaky idiot so I don't want to stay around here much longer. Sigh....decisions decisions. I have even looked for jobs in what I do right now but new jobs right now are not prevalent in my area as our job market is still pretty bad.

__________________________________________________ ________________

Chrissy, I think you are doing the best you can with Syd and Conner's interactions. I think Syd is being a normal 13 year old girl and I agree with you she is more than likely relishing your time together and gets kind of bent out of shape when Conner is around because she has to share you with him.

I would keep talking to her though and letting her know what a difficult time you are in, try to get her to empathize with you about making sure that all of you maintain close relationships. Hopefully, eventually it will sink in for her.

I would also make it an issue with Conner to speak to him about his tantruming and try to get him to see that his sister is trying to annoy him. Show him he has some power in the way he responds to others. I would reiterate to him that he is a big boy and old enough to start controlling himself better in this regard. That it is not necessary to get upset all the time if his sister says something he doesn't like. That is is okay to get upset in and of itself, but such a large outburst is not necessary. Ky used to always have similar outburst when he was younger. They were not as prevalent at Conner's age, but still around and by the time he was 5 or 6 I would tell him that it was not acceptable behavior for him to resort to tantrums when he was angry, and give him other options for his anger, like screaming into a pillow, deep breathing, just laying down and trying to relax, playing with toys he likes, running around or jumping outside. I even bought him one of those old fashioned punching toy things with the sand at the bottom that he could punch when angry. I got him a huge ugly stuffed teddy bear to punch too. He liked punching the toy and bear the best. He still has that bear the thing doesn't have a head on it LOL! I remember noticing that for the first time and asking him about it and he said he was mad at something and ripped the head off the bear and so I started calling him The Hulk (and saying "don't make me angry, you don't want to see me when I'm angry" and screaming and acting like I was ripping something's head off. He thought that rather hilarious and to this day when I see his face change I say "don't make him angry" and he'll crack up laughing).

And by the time Ky was in kindergarten, I made him go to another room to tantrum, even if I had to drag him in there. I just told him I wouldn't deal with that sort of behavior but when he was ready he could come out and everything would be fine. He still gets mad at various things to this day, especially Elle because she loves nagging him but when he goes overboard he needs to go be by himself and cool off and I make sure to speak to Elle now about it as well, that she shouldn't be annoying to her brother. I told her what "annoying" meant and tried to use it in context in how younger babies at daycare bother her and she seemed to understand, but of course, she still will mess with him because she's 3 and thinks it is fun to get her brother agitated.

Ky is coming home today and we are really excited! Elle was doing a happy dance this morning. He should be here by 8pm tonight as my dad is driving him from Ohio. I expect lots of annoyance out of her in regards to him this weekend!

Erin

[Smplyme89]

I personally find having a skilled trade to be invaluable. I know many that make better money than I likely will after getting my BA. The only things those positions sometimes lack is stability and/or benefits, but you can find companies that have those and who pay decently.

DH is very hands on and needs a physically challenging job. I imagine he would jump off a building if he had to sit in the office all day! He wants to start his own business one day, but I am not in the least interested in doing that. He wants to get back to stucco work and he has it in his head that he could have his own business. I told him that once I get settled in a career, that we would consider it. Right now we can't afford to take any risks.

Chrissy I am so sorry about the problems with Syd/Connor I really wish that I had some encouraging works of advice, but alas all I can offer is my thoughts and

Mandy I am SO glad that you filed!! What if you had been allergic to it or something?? I am shocked at the way they handled it

Me either... until I met my DH I couldn't imagine inflicting any guy I dated as a father-figure on a child (I seemed to have a thing for musicians and artists who were generally unstable/insecure). Wanting kids didn't happen until after I met DH, and even then, it wasn't until I was pregnant and Abbey was born that I realized how much being a mom would change my life... it was definitely a "oh, so *this* is what it's all about" kind of epiphany.

Exactly! I never, ever, ever wanted children. I even told DH before we got married that I didn't want children and it wasn't likely to happen... EVER (for multiple reasons, I knew about my female issues and well.. kids are a lot of work ). Eventually I gave, obviously. He wanted to be a dad so bad. I think being a dad has always been "his" goal in life. I couldn't take that from him. As awful as it is to say, I looked at getting pregnant like "Taking one for the team". I knew I would love my children no matter what, so it wasn't that. Just that it was honestly more about DH than me. I got excited while we were trying, and than more so when we got pregnant, but after having Nolan I think I just became star-struck (baby-struck?). I love being a mom. I love everything about it. If it was realistic I could very easily spend the rest of my fertile years making babies and perfectly happy every minute of it

[Ky'sMom]

Honestly, I never thought one way or the other about kids. I figured I would have them but since I come from a big family and there are always kids around, I never though that they would change my life in anyway. On the surface they really haven't. I have always loved kids and am used to them being around and never see them as a ruin of one's life, which some people seem to think they are especially for young mothers and since I was 22 when I had Ky, which isn't young compared to some of my high school friends who had kids at 14 and 15 years old, I got a lot of comments about how horrible my life would be and how hard everything would be for me. It really hasn't been that hard. I do think ones mindset changes when they have kids. I think we have a less selfish outlook on things and I do feel that my kids broadened my view of the world, especially other kids and how they are treated because I cannot stand to hear about horrible things happening to children, or anyone really anymore and I know it has to do with being a mom.

But on a whole, I don't think they have changed me or my life, just added to it and made my life more interesting and it has been fun. Ky is only 10 and I think about how I'm going to miss him when he grows up and goes lives his life. I think about it a lot, especially since he has been gone and I get all teary eyed thinking about it.

Erin

[Suja]

Exactly! I never, ever, ever wanted children. I even told DH before we got married that I didn't want children and it wasn't likely to happen... EVER (for multiple reasons, I knew about my female issues and well.. kids are a lot of work ). Eventually I gave, obviously. He wanted to be a dad so bad. I think being a dad has always been "his" goal in life. I couldn't take that from him. As awful as it is to say, I looked at getting pregnant like "Taking one for the team". I knew I would love my children no matter what, so it wasn't that. Just that it was honestly more about DH than me.

This is me, *exactly*. I am great with kids, but have no interest in dealing with them. Never have. Still that way, actually, mine excepted. And I never understood why people wanted to have kids. I mean, we're all ordinary people. If our genes didn't get propogated, it wouldn't be any kind of a loss for the world.

I got excited while we were trying, and than more so when we got pregnant, but after having Nolan I think I just became star-struck (baby-struck?). I love being a mom. I love everything about it. If it was realistic I could very easily spend the rest of my fertile years making babies and perfectly happy every minute of it

And there, we differ. To me, parenting is non-intuitive, and a hard slog. There are definitely times when it seems worthwhile, but on the whole, it's a lot of work for not a lot of reward and a heck of a lot of worry.

[missychrissy]

Thanks Erin. I'll try to talk to Conner more ahead of time. Maybe I don't give him enough credit, but it seems like once he's in that 'mode' his listening skills go to zero. We talk ahead of time about it but he forgets. I have made him go to his room before, but when we're out and about it's not that easy. Yesterday was a little different in that it wouldn't have gotten that bad if Syd would have just let it drop & left if she needed to.

We're selling our old computers at work ($30 for desktops, $40 for laptops) and they're told that there's no computer support. We're getting people floating back in our corner wanting us to install the OS and other software for them. During my lunch, while I'm clearly chomping down pizza no less. And I'm the asshole.

[Suja]

Well, DUH! You live to serve, Chrissy. You don't need to eat, do you?

[missychrissy]

Well, DUH! You live to serve, Chrissy. You don't need to eat, do you?

I've actually been saying I'll work through lunch if they want to make me salary. But I won't do it for cheap. It would cost them.

[dana_renay]

Seriously? That's all? Not, here's a coupon for your inconvenience, or anything? I am so ticked off. So I came right home and filled out the Pharmacy Board complaint. I think I am also going to complain to CVS, but I'm not sure whether I should ask for the manager of the local store, or if I should contact their corporate headquarters. I'm just infuriated by it all.

All of the above. Complain through all the channels. It was a serious error, and complaining through all the available channels ensures that someone won't be able to sweep it under the rug so to speak.


All this woulda-coulda-shoulda college and career talk is like the story of my life. It's hard to explain how my parents simulatenously told me how smart I was and how I could do absolutely anything I wanted, while subtly discouraging every career/college major I considered. Either it didn't make enough money, was "too easy" ("a waste of your brain"), wasn't noble enough, or the education was too difficult or too expensive or would take too much time or the career would be too consuming and interfere with my ability to raise a family. So I never did decide. I went to college, accumulated a lot of hours and then just quit. Even now, as I'm seriously considering returning to school to become a midwife, I have lots of doubts about whether I will make it through the schooling, and stick with it as a career. I don't doubt my ability to do the work, but I have severe "executive function" difficulties (i.e. starting tasks and sticking with things until they're finished). I have a lot of leftover messaging from childhood and am pretty screwed up in the head when it comes to all this stuff.


I also just want to say that it is sometimes very hard being the older sibiling and being expected to take the high road and be the bigger person all the time. Not that it excuses anyone's behaviour; I just remember what it was like.

We're selling our old computers at work ($30 for desktops, $40 for laptops) and they're told that there's no computer support. We're getting people floating back in our corner wanting us to install the OS and other software for them. During my lunch, while I'm clearly chomping down pizza no less. And I'm the asshole.

"I'm sorry, the university doesn't allow the use of university resources to support home computers. I'd be happy to come by after work and take care of it for you - my freelance rate is $150 for a new computer set up..."

[Smplyme89]

"I'm sorry, the university doesn't allow the use of university resources to support home computers. I'd be happy to come by after work and take care of it for you - my freelance rate is $150 for a new computer set up..."

Ingenious

[Smplyme89]

This is me, *exactly*. I am great with kids, but have no interest in dealing with them. Never have. Still that way, actually, mine excepted. And I never understood why people wanted to have kids. I mean, we're all ordinary people. If our genes didn't get propogated, it wouldn't be any kind of a loss for the world.

And there, we differ. To me, parenting is non-intuitive, and a hard slog. There are definitely times when it seems worthwhile, but on the whole, it's a lot of work for not a lot of reward and a heck of a lot of worry.

If I had married a man who didn't desire children, I would still be continuing on the same line of thought. I always loved kids, but in short spurts. Actually I still feel that way about other peoples kids

This is going to make me sound like a coo-koo lady, but it is true none the less. Being a mom is exhausting, tormenting, stressful, and flat out crazy.... BUT it is under these conditions that I tend to thrive. I have always been one to excel under pressure and enjoy trying to out-due myself (told you ). Hence why I worked 30hrs a week, while going to high school, and also taking 2-3 college classes at the same time. I *need* that pressure, that stress, it is where I am at my best. Now I am working full time, going to school time, all while being a wife/mommy. I don't know why, but it works for me. If I don't have twenty-million things going on I get lazy/lax in what I am doing.

[missychrissy]

"I'm sorry, the university doesn't allow the use of university resources to support home computers. I'd be happy to come by after work and take care of it for you - my freelance rate is $150 for a new computer set up..."

I'd be afraid she'd take me up on it, and honestly...not even for $150. I'm fried by the time I'm done doing it all day. I want my family time. It would cost more than $150 to get me away from that. Per hour, maybe, because it can take 4+ hours to do a clean install (correctly, with all the up-to-date drivers) and run all updates. It's a longer process than one would think. And then if they want data transferred...forget it.

And I know it's not easy being the oldest. I was (am) as well. But still.

[Suja]

In light of what we've been talking about, thought y'all would like this: http://thedianerehmshow.org/shows/20...-and-should-be

[dana_renay]

Well, you can dispense with the second sentence (or name some exhorbitant price; I wasn't sure what the going rate might be). The first sentence would stand quite well on its own. Said oh-so-very-sweetly, of course!

[missychrissy]

Of course! lol. I'm still afraid someone would take me up on it. And then once you do set it up, they're your problem forever and when the computer dies a natural death, it's your fault.

No, I do not like doing this on the side. Only for very, very close family and friends.

[dana_renay]

In light of what we've been talking about, thought y'all would like this: http://thedianerehmshow.org/shows/20...-and-should-be

I listen to the Diane Rehm show from time to time, but have never seen a picture of her - that is not AT ALL what I imagined, lol!

[dana_renay]

Of course! lol. I'm still afraid someone would take me up on it. And then once you do set it up, they're your problem forever and when the computer dies a natural death, it's your fault.

No, I do not like doing this on the side. Only for very, very close family and friends.

I don't blame you. My dad and a friend are both in a similar line of work as yours, and they both say the exact same thing!

[3andMe]

I always knew I wanted kids, and I wanted to have them when I was much younger than I ended up having them. I never really pictured a husband, though. I figured that wasn't necessary. However, I am not good with kids. I have never been around them much, and although I think I'm good with my kids and I like the way I parent and I chose a husband who is a really good father and whose parenting complements mine, it is not as 100% fun and enjoyable and rewarding the way my mom made it seem. I mean, I knew it wouldn't be, and I'm not afraid of hard work and frustration, but I didn't realize the ratios would be quite as skewed as they are. My mom wasn't lying to me. She really did enjoy our (her children's) company more than anything, but she did have a balanced life with a lot of friends and social activities.

I never had a strong idea of what I wanted to be when I grew up, besides a mother. I switched majors three times in college, from Literature to Spanish to Nursing. I spent a lot of time writing and painting. I played guitar and flute. I received no guidance, not from my parents and not from counsellors. I originally had a goal of wanting to speak five languages fluently by the time I graduated from college, and applied to St. Olaf because I wanted one of the languages to be Norwegian. I ended up not even going to college the first year after high school. I moved in with my boyfriend instead. I turned down a full ride scholarship to the state university (it was automatic because I was one of the top 4 students in my class). I guess it's not too surprising that the nurse practitioner raised her eyebrows at me and said, "I just never pictured you as a nurse." I would not be able to just stand by and watch my kids turn down scholarships and waffle around like that, probably. It's pure coincidence that I ended up with a degree (that I ended up having to borrow and get grants and more piecemeal scholarships for) that ended up being a good career.

All right, back to my chores. I've been so busy lately. We have been trying to make our back yard pleasant and liveable lately. We spent all last weekend trimming and clipping and taking out trash and dh was chainsawing limbs off overgrown trees. We filled up the entire curb outside of our house with green trash. We have neglected our back yard for so long, half of our plants turned into a jungle and the other half were dead. We are slowly getting it back into shape, and wondering what we've been paying our gardener to do. Apparently he's just been doing a basic 'mow-and-blow.' I am a little angsty about this, because I hate paying other people to do work we should be able to do ourselves if it will take about the same amount of time. I ended up hiring this guy (a former neighbor who runs a landscaping and lawn care service, who said he'd give me a discount) because I could not get outside on a regular basis with 3 kids to take care of the yard and dh would not or could not do it either. At least inside the house I can take care of the housekeeping, pain in the rear as it might be, with the kids underfoot. Anyway, the back was a disaster. But we have it fully fenced and gated now, whereas before there were about four different avenues of escape for the kids. It is looking better. We put up a little swing. And we had a bbq and a meal outside on the picnic table last weekend after all of our hard work. The kids keep begging to go out and play back there. I am motivated to keep improving it. And to let the gardener go.