Secular Confessions

[dana_renay]

And I would, too, but it would be me that would have to take care of it and I don't have the energy at the minute for something like that. I'm kind of tempted to get a hamster or a mouse or something like that for him; do any of y'all have rodent pets?

I had rats. They're great pets, very personable, smart and friendly - like little dogs you keep in a cage. But they do require a decent amount of care, with frequent cage cleaning and daily socialization. They need to be kept in same-sex pairs or groups. They are also prone to health problems and have very short lifespans (1-2.5 years is about the max for a pet-store rat, maybe 3 for a rat from a good breeder). I loved having them, but I would say they are only barely less work than a dog.

You're right. And I'm glad too. I am now going to work hard on only talking to him about things we have to talk about, and if he snaps I'm just going to end the conversation. No more engaging, defending, or arguing.

This sounds like the very best possible course of action for you at this point.

I really think some people were talking smack about me at our local pool today for nursing Sawyer. But i'm not sure if I was just being paranoid, even though I never usually care or notice if anyone cares or notices. But these two couples were very loud and just those types of people who seem like they want everyone to hear their conversation because they think they are so funny and clever. You know what I mean? There with their kids but talking about getting wasted and wishing they had a cig. and all sorts of gossip. Silly stuff. Anyway, one of the dads was across the pool. It's a pretty small pool only for kids 8 and up. I started nursing Sawyer, totally and completely covered with a towel, showing less boob than I do standing in my swimming suit. Obviously i had to stay right at the edge of the pool because my other two are still swimming around in there. Anyway, I notice the dad looking over in my direction with a funny look and then he says, "Baby!" to his wife who looks and he says something in spanish that I obviously don't understand since I don't speak spanish but then her and the other couple look over at me and I hear he whisper (because they are only a few feet from me) "totally inappropriate". Then I cannot hear anything else so I chose to decide that I'm just being silly. But then a few moments later the mom makes a big production of getting her baby a bottle and saying how she hopes she doesn't get in trouble for feeding her baby since there is no food or drink allowed in the pool area. They had been scolded by the lifegaurd a few times already for not using a swim diaper and then for changing the baby diaper on the deck. So that comment was directed toward the lifegaurd but then the other mama said, "Oh, why dont' you just use your boobie since we know that's allowed."
After that comment I was like, "Hmmm, why are these people even paying attention to me?? Leave me alone!" lol. I was so shocked that the only time I have ever thought for a second that someone was giving me heck for nursing was at a children's pool amongst other parents. Crazy.

Ugh. Ignorant tiny-brained jackrabbits, the lot of them. How sad for their poor children.

[Suja]

So, a FB friend posts about how she's been receiving posts her friends have commented on, and one of her friends recently joined some sort of hippy-dippy group, so now she's getting posts from there. The group was apparently discussing whether they should take allegations of child abuse to the authorities. The plan is to take the "evidence" to the council and have the council decide whether to report. The alleged victim is 14, and I personally have concerns about these sorts of groups having looser definitions of age of consent, and called DCS for Indiana. Not a particularly inspiring conversation, since they want information about the victim, the parents, address, etc. and all I had to point to is a FB group (they deleted the original posts that specifically talked about the molestation, but in reading through the rest, one can definitely tell that there is something going on that they may be attempting to cover up). May call the Indiana field office of the FBI.

[Gwenn]

Good for you for calling, Suja. I'm sorry the call wasn't more productive.

[demigraf]

That's crazy that they went from talking about possibly reporting the allegations, to deleting traces of the conversation. That's so weird to me. So, is the possible abuse happening within the hippy dippy group? Do you know the name of the group? And is it some sort of a religious cult? That poor thing. I hope the DCS follows up on it. And yes, perhaps the FBI has some sort of taskforce that can dig deeper into the allegations. Very cool of you to take it upon yourself to speak up for the 14 yr old.

[girlwonder]

So glad you did that, Suja. I definitely think a call to the police or FBI would be warranted. Can you give them the name/info for your friend so they can get more information? Ugh - I will never understand the urge to cover up abuse.

I'm still feeling bad. Like my intestines are all sore and inflamed. Hope it gets better soon.

We are getting some rain and cooler temps this week and I couldn't be happier. I love a high of 93 in July - it feels almost chilly!

Went to the funeral of my dad's best friend on Saturday. I was really sad. The funeral was over capacity, so much so that even the overflow room was SRO! I guess if you die young enough you get the big funeral. There were three friends of his who spoke and the first and last were good, but JeezLouise the one in the middle was dreadful! He was a born-again Christian and went on and on about his own struggles with alcohol and how opening himself up to the Lord was the key, his own brush with near-death, etc. All totally fine I guess, but he was giving a eulogy not introducing himself at a flippin' AA meeing! And I get really twitchy when someone starts talking down about non-Christians. He said "When someone tells me they don't want to hear about God, that means to me that they want me to teach them about God." No, no. That is really not what I mean when I say that. I mean not only that I don't want to hear about God, but I really really really don't want to hear about it from someone like you. It is just an arrogant and rude way to treat other people who have different belief systems. But other than that it was a good funeral, if there can be such a thing. It brought back memories and I cried and cried for him and for Dad and one more connection gone.

[Gwenn]

Sorry, Katy. At least it was a mostly positive experience, if a funeral can be.

I remember my great aunt's funeral a few years ago. The preacher gave what my mother said was an old-fashioned "altar call." In other words, it was one of those hellfire and brimstone sermons and really, he didn't have much to say about my aunt or her life other than that she was dead. Apparently she was really close to this guy and gave him, in the name of his church, a lot of money for mission work. It just struck me as totally inappropriate that he didn't even talk about her at her own funeral considering he had a close relationship with her. Made me more skeptical than I generally am about preachers from small churches always asking for money from old ladies.

[demigraf]

Totally agree, Katy. I would have been twitchy, to say the least. Way to turn a beautiful memorial into something divisive. I hope the funeral was cathartic for you, and feel better soon, ok?

[dana_renay]

I'm sorry to hear about your funeral experience, Katy. Funerals seem to bring out the religiosity in folk.

Sorry, Katy. At least it was a mostly positive experience, if a funeral can be.

I remember my great aunt's funeral a few years ago. The preacher gave what my mother said was an old-fashioned "altar call." In other words, it was one of those hellfire and brimstone sermons and really, he didn't have much to say about my aunt or her life other than that she was dead. Apparently she was really close to this guy and gave him, in the name of his church, a lot of money for mission work. It just struck me as totally inappropriate that he didn't even talk about her at her own funeral considering he had a close relationship with her. Made me more skeptical than I generally am about preachers from small churches always asking for money from old ladies.

This happened at my grandmother's funeral, in the church I grew up in. Not even a very large church. My grandmother was there 2-3x a week, every week for well over 40 years. And not just a pew warmer; an active volunteer. The pastor I knew all my life barely spoke her name during her funeral, never talked about all the wonderful things she did for the church or even mentioned her faithfulness. It made me sick. If I hadn't already left christianity, that might have made me think about it.

[raspberry]

When we had my mom's memorial service the female pastor was wonderful. She did not even know us or my mom, but she sat down with us all and we told her about mom and her life story. She did a wonderful eulogy. None of us could do the eulogy, but she was a kind person who did a really nice job. Now when my fil died last fall, my bil did the eulogy, it was all about HIM and not his father. My bil has quite the inflated ego, but seriously it was not about my fil's achievements as much as it was about how my bil was coping.

Today Gilly had his 4 year appt, it went really well. It was a new pedi, and he was fine with our vax schedule. So glad to have found him. Gilly was telling him all about his activities this past week, at one point the doc said "you tell some good stories Gilly" lol it's hard to believe this is the boy with the speech delay a few years ago

Well so far the epic visit from my mil is going ehhh okay. G loves her and she is really good with him, so I let a lot slide.

Last Sunday we woke up to this horrible loud humming, rattling and banging noise. wtf? Well it was the frig dying. DH tried to fix it, but it was a no go. Why do these things always happen on Sunday? It was also G's birthday. We started looking on craigslist, and found one, but it was a long way out from us. In the boondocks, about 45 minutes from town. So anyway, on Tuesday after listening to that loud effing noise for two days, dh and I drive out to look at the frig. We left G with my mil. On a side note I spent ALL DAY MONDAY CLEANING the house from top to bottom. Getting the frig was a fiasco, dh's friend lent us his truck and open utility trailer, so we pick that up, and as we are pulling up to the guy's house to check out the frig we realize we left the cash in our car. Seriously? Now we have to drive all the way back to dh's buddy's house to get the $$. By this time it was 8pm and a dark rain cloud is forming. When we get back to frig, my dh has to try to back into this long and windy driveway, and does the owner try to help us? No he does not. Of course now it's raining and the frig owner is all pissy. I would have said forget it. But how can you live without a frig? The frig is a good deal, it's immaculate. Anyway, it takes a long time to get it loaded, get it home, transfer stuff into new frig, put gas into the buddy's truck, return the truck. When dh and I finally get home it's 11:30pm. And then I see the kitchen. It's a mess. The dishwasher is clean, needs to be unloaded. There are dishes in both sides of the sink, plus the pan that mil used to cook in is soaking, there are dishes stacked up on the counter. G's dinner plate is still sitting on the table. Who does this? Who leaves a kitchen like this? She knows I spent all day cleaning. wtf? wtf? I was so tired, then I was fuming. I look at my dh and I am seething, if we did this to her kitchen she would hit the roof. I wouldn't dream of leaving someone's kitchen in that state. But if I did, my mil would scream at the top of her lungs. My dh just shakes his head, this is so wrong. But here's the thing, IF you say something to her, she will yell and turn back into being YOUR fault. We live in the freaking jungle you cannot leave a kitchen overnight like that, you have to wipe up and clean up every night. I swear she thinks because I am a sahm, I live to clean up her kitchen messes. My dh has this tub in the sink to save the water for his plants. She will plop her plate into that water, and walk away. So I am left to deal with nasty water with left over food floating. Just typing that out made me shudder.

You know the sad thing is, my dh has said he is not even sure he loves his mother. That he wouldn't miss her if he just wrote her out of his life. As a mother that kills me. As a daughter who would give anything to have my mommy here, that kills me. When my dh and his brother were kids they called their mother "dragon" and "mein fuhrer". Nice huh?

Okay rant over. I don't want to spend time getting all worked up thinking about her.

[Bridget]

Oh.my.goodness.
I want to give you a big warm hug. I'm all worked up reading that!

[Gwenn]

That's awful. I'm so sorry.

[girlwonder]

That sounds so awful. You get an award from me for being able to keep your mouth shut that night. I hope the rest of the trip is less eventful.

Mandy - big hugs to you for being out this month. I will be keeping my fingers crossed for you.

Took the first of my second set of swim lessons today. The instructor said that she thinks I am ready to start being able to swim laps no problem! But I still want to work on stroke/form so I am not wearing myself needlessly. Still, it was nice to hear.

[demigraf]

Oh, Shelley. What a terrible Tuesday! And coming home to a filthy kitchen must have just made you want to kick something. I hope your new fridge is making you happy and you are still feeling relieved that that day's over. But your MIL sounds like a real peach. It's so sad that your DH feels that way about her. Is she at all tolerable, or can you just not stand the sight of her?

[Ky'sMom]

You MIL is a piece of work Shelley! Big hugs to you for having to deal with that. I so would have blown up about her not cleaning up after herself, that is so inconsiderate.

I am a weirdo because most funerals I go to, I enjoy in a strange sort of way (all except young people's funerals or kids, I have been to a baby's funeral before and it was quite horrible). Especially the people in my family or close family friends. Funerals are usually long and are totally about the person who passed away and the only thing I don't like about them is that the person who passed is no longer with us. My grandma's funeral was a good one. Her pastor spoke about her with such knowledge and genuine friendship and I could tell he loved her and wanted to comfort everyone about her passing even though it was pretty religious. Usually though black people's funerals aren't all fire and brim-stoney. Just a lot of gospel music and celebration of the person's life. They sang a long time at my grandma's funeral and it was highly attended (another person who was relatively young when she passed, she was 66, which for our family is young). It was like Whitney Houston's funeral and I still remember it fondly because the pastor spoke about how dependable my grandma was, how you could always count on her to do whatever she said she would do. That was so her and she was the only adult in my life that I truly did trust and depend on and I was and still am sad that she is not around.

[raspberry]

You know Myles, there are times when she is fine. But I have a bad habit of remembering all the **** she has said and done to me over the years. I do not think she knows I dislike her so much. She thinks she's a great person. And believe it or not she has a tons of friends and even has a new boyfriend. Go figure.

Tonight I had two slices of my yummy homemade ww bread, and again I have a tummy ache. I think I must fast the facts that I cannot eat wheat. I've been avoiding wheat, and now when I eat it I feel yucky. ugh.

[raspberry]

on the topic of rats, my brother had a pet rat named Mert. named for the children's book Mert the Blurt. LOL. He was a nice rat. But his tail completely creeped me out. I was okay until looked down at that rat tail. shudder.

[girlwonder]

I think that may be my problem, too. I haven't felt right since we went on vacation and I ate a little too much and not my usual stuff. Not terrible, but more bread than normal. I kind of feel like I damaged my insides somehow. I really love bread so much. I hope you feel better.

[missychrissy]

Took the first of my second set of swim lessons today. The instructor said that she thinks I am ready to start being able to swim laps no problem! But I still want to work on stroke/form so I am not wearing myself needlessly. Still, it was nice to hear.

Go you!

Erin, I've been to a baby's funeral too. The absolute worst.

I had Conner tonight for a while and while most of it went terrifically, I'm afraid I had to take him back to Rich after a 20 minute meltdown that wouldn't quit and I was near tears. I don't know what to do with him when he gets like that. He almost acts like a 2 year old in the midst of a temper tantrum. You cannot talk to him. You can't comfort him because he'll kick and hit right in the face. You can't raise your voice so he'll hear you because he'll just shriek louder. He's five and a half. When will this end? I feel like a failure of a mother.

His tantrums are getting less frequent, but it still escalates really fast on me and I feel powerless to stop it. I had a long, super duper busy day at work and I only wanted to nap. I'm sure that didn't help matters at all.

[demigraf]

Chrissy, what brought on the tantrum ? I'm sorry you felt that way as a mom tonight. I've felt I've failed Bodhi a number of times too, but I was being hard on myself. You're a loving mama!

Shelley, it scares me the way you describe your mil...like, what if people would describe me in the same way? Obnoxious people are rarely told they're obnoxious. And who's gonna tell them? So how does one know s/he's not obnoxious?

Katy, after a couple weeks of being gluten-free on that "cleanse", I had some regular soy sauce containing wheat. I felt the back of my throat become inflamed. Maybe I have a slight intolerance too. Feel better!

[demigraf]

Ok. Can someone tell me how people can drop the "h" in my first name when my name is written RIGHT THERE next to it?

[demigraf]

(I mean when they see my name written adjacent to where they're wriiting and misspell it anyway.)

I'm in a super edgy mood, btw. B's night terrors have been fierce these last 2 nights.

[AmeriBrit]

There's a certain relative off my mine (through marriage) who always spells my name 'Ashleigh' even though every year I send them a card as well from 'Ashley' and family. I think people are just oblivious sometimes. I think it's because most people over here expect 'Ashley' to be the masculine spelling.

I can remember my sister having monster tantrums when she was about 5 to 7; she could go crazy at times. She did grow out of it, so I guess it was one of those things that has to be grown out of. My life right now consists of watching Cash like a hawk so that he doesn't kick or push other kids his age. He is such a bully nowadays. He starts nursery in September when I go back to work and I worry how naughty he's going to be then with lots of other kids around.

Shelley, your MIL sounds a lot like my SIL's MIL; she drives my SIL crazy. She'll show up at the most awkward times and will go and make herself a cup of coffee, sit on the couch and try to chat to my SIL whlie SIL is chasing after the 3 kids. Then after about 15 minutes, she just gets up and goes. And on the rare occasion that she looks after the kids for SIL, she leaves there house turned upside down. My MIL is the complete opposite of that in regards to cleaning; when they watch the kids for us (usually at bed time so we can go out for a meal), we come back and she's cleaned the kitchen and done the ironing while we were out! She's one of those people that has to always be doing chores and tasks.

[Bridget]

I didn't know B had night terrors. How awful.
My mil is another one who HAS to be doing chores and tasks all the time. She can't not tidy up. It drives her mad.

Dbf's old business partner in Hawaii is royally screwing him (us) out of money and dbf is so so so angry about it. I really think it sucks bad but really there is nothing we can do about it so I wish he'd just move past it. I know that I am able to let things go pretty easily once I realize they are out of my control but dbf is not like this at all. I just hate seeing him carry around so much anger. It's not good for him.

[missychrissy]

Chrissy, what brought on the tantrum ? I'm sorry you felt that way as a mom tonight. I've felt I've failed Bodhi a number of times too, but I was being hard on myself. You're a loving mama!

I'm not sure what brings it on exactly. It often starts in the store, and that's where it was last night. He was being good and helping put things on the conveyer belt, but then he started moving things around and even tried touching another customer's grocery items. I tried talking to him about being a good helper, but it was no use. He got more agitated wanting to touch things. And I don't mean pick up a box and set it down, but put some else's cereal from behind us in with our stuff. That sort of thing. I slide the cart so he couldn't reach and then he wanted out of the basket. I was being rung out and I knew better than to let him out, because if I had he would have either ran right out the doors into the parking lot, or tried to throw all the candy onto the floor, or something equally appalling that wouldn't have allowed me to just pay for my stuff. So the real melt-down began because I wouldn't let him out of the cart. Talk about scream, kick and cry! I had just bought ice cream and we were going to go to my house for some, but I ended up taking him home to Rich instead. I had to manhandle him into his seat, getting kicked in the face. He picked up my roller skates and tried throwing them at me while I was driving. He tried kicking my side window out. It was awful. And like I said, I could not talk to him. If he heard my voice, he screamed and kicked harder.

He does this about once or twice a month to me. It's better than it was. He went through a period where he laid on the floor and shrieked for 2+ hours straight every single night. I hate it that I can't comfort him, or talk to him, or anything. I think he may be overtired when he does it, but he freaks like that when you try to get him to go to bed too and he won't stay in bed. He's never been one for a nap. Ever.

My MIL is the complete opposite of that in regards to cleaning; when they watch the kids for us (usually at bed time so we can go out for a meal), we come back and she's cleaned the kitchen and done the ironing while we were out! She's one of those people that has to always be doing chores and tasks.

All MILs should be like her!

Dbf's old business partner in Hawaii is royally screwing him (us) out of money and dbf is so so so angry about it. I really think it sucks bad but really there is nothing we can do about it so I wish he'd just move past it. I know that I am able to let things go pretty easily once I realize they are out of my control but dbf is not like this at all. I just hate seeing him carry around so much anger. It's not good for him.

Why can't dbf do anything about it?

I'm like you B, even when it comes to $ I can't let myself worry or fret about it. The times when we've felt swindled over stuff, I always say, "They must have needed the money more than we did."

[Smplyme89]

Just a quick SCUBAJA'ing (that dosn't look right, but you know what I am saying )
I've been thinking about you ladies and just wanted to pop in and tell you that I am still trying to keep caught up on reading the NET, just don't have the inclination to post much recently. You ladies are always in my thoughts

And I can't believe we are SO close to having a new Secular baby

[raspberry]

yay cannot wait to 'meet' Molly's baby boy!!

Chrissy, so sorry about Connor's tantrum. Poor little guy.

It drives me crazy when people spell my name wrong. How hard is it to remember the 2nd "e"?

Mylah, sorry about B terrors. Those have to scare you as well.

My goal today is to finally finish my resume. Can you hear the enthusiasm in my voice? Truth is, it's probably time that I work outside. It's been 5 years since I got laid off.

[Cosmosmom]

Chrissy, my bff's daughter used to have major tantrums and was still doing it at age 5. eventually she stopped doing it so much.

People mess up my name a lot too. It's Jennifer, not Jenny. I don't mind Jen. And it's DH's family who always does it because his cousin is a Jennifer but goes by Jenny (and interesting enough her new fiance has the same name as my DH). But after 14 years they still don't get that I'm a Jennifer, not a Jenny.
And my sister is a Roxanne...she will also go by Rocky. But just hates Roxy and people do that to her all the time.

Oh I'm not like you guys and neither is my DH. I cannot stand being screwed over with money. That would really get under our skin and we tend to both fight it when we think someone is wronging us moneywise. But money is a huge deal to us, you won't hear either of us saying eh it's just money. I mean we know it's not the most important thing but it's pretty dang high up on the list. I think some of that is both our families struggled at times when we were young and for especially DH's peace of mind and happiness, he needs finances a certain way. He has just never had the attitude that things will just all work out somehow.

[missychrissy]

I grew up poor and the first years of my 'adulthood' were very, very poor. I still cannot make money a priority over happiness. We all choose our battles and for me, that's one I may put effort into if/when I can, but if I can't I just let it go. It's no worth getting upset about. Not to me.

[Cosmosmom]

Probably a healthier attitude to have! I'm slightly less so than my DH, I tend to be an optimist and figure that things will somehow work out ok. My DH would give himself an ulcer over worrying about money. For him money=happiness. Not that money will make him happy alone...but without it, he's not happy. He needs a certain amount in the bank and he needs to be able to put into savings most months....or he will stress out big time and make himself sick over it. We fought a lot at first about it as I like to buy stuff....but eventually came to balance each other out. He will still tell me to stop thinking of ways to spend money and that we aren't roman emperors. LOL And well I am generally plotting out something to buy....next on the list is entertainment center and new bigger TV....and a minivan.

This is how I know that even though he's very scared to have a baby and be a dad and talks about being unsure sometimes, the fact that he's already spent over 6K on the adoption (and much more will be due once we get our baby) says everything.

I do have happiness as a priority....but think that different things make people happy. My DH, it's saving money. A new TV and the minivan would make me happy but my bff loves to travel and would take a vacation any day before a new car. I like to travel but only a big trip every couple of years....she likes to do at least 2 a year. Generally we like to spend time at home with our dogs vs the stress of travel.

[Smplyme89]

I a big pretty savings account and 401K.

I have neither, but it is always a goal of mine