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Thread: Secular Confessions

  1. #32701
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    Quote Originally Posted by missychrissy View Post
    That's old school thinking. Men. Grr!
    I agree. It is an area that DH and I both need to improve. We are just a big ole conglomerate mess it seems. Neither of us really had much guidance in how to be a productive adult or an attentive parent. So we are just flying blind it seems

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  2. #32702
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    Yep, that definitely sounds like me & Rich in our early years. I think we both got better.

    Mama to Bobbie 20 ~ Jesi 18 ~ Syd 14 ~ Conner 6
    I'm gonna be a Gramama! Jesi is due 11/22/13


  3. #32703

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    Bridget I LOVE your bird rescue story and too funny about DBF being scared of pecking birds lol! I bet all the kids thought it was a great experience. And woo-hooo about your porch! I am so jealous you have a guy who can build a freaking porch! My DH is okay with building things but it would probably take him 3 years to build it. It took him nearly 2 years to put up a fence around our backyard, which is less than 1/3 of an acre, I think it is like .15 of an acre actually. I call him a lolly-gagger.

    Christina I hope your life gets a bit more boring soon. I agree with Bridget in focusing on what yourself as you can only control your reactions to the people and events in your life. Hopefully even if they think you are cold or crude they will understand. I had a fling with Buddhism when I was a young 20 something year old and I learned a lot about being in the present and taking things minute by minute and not letting someone else's actions or words get to me as much. Of course, I am not like that all the time, but I am much better than I used to be and I think those tools, realizing we are only in control of ourselves, are lessons I think are universal.

    Chrissy I hope you don't have to go through a custody battle. And I really hope Rich will not fall into drunkendom. Even though I feel bad for him, because I do think that he depends on you a lot in how you describe his actions, I agree with you that he is a grown man and needs to take care of his business and himself like an adult and not cry on his kids or try to make them the new "you" so to speak, or bad mouth you in any way. I hope that he can stick with whatever agreement you two come up with and I also think family counseling would be a good idea especially for Syd and Conner.

    In regards to selfishness, I also think that is a young person's outlook on a lot of things. They are so "me-me-me." Ky is pretty selfish IMO. He has gotten better over the past year or so and I have told him when he is being selfish and remind him of all the things everyone gets and does for him that we don't have to do. He never wants to help out with things and any time I tell him it is time for chores, he starts to tear up and will even cry sometimes. If Elle gets something he will go on and on about how unfair it is that he didn't get something. It is just ridiculous to me because he gets WAY more stuff and goes WAY more places than Elle does. He is still in Ohio right now and since he has been gone he has gone to the following places:

    Baseball Camp
    Toledo Museum (is free and one of the best in the region, they have a lot of Monet's original paintings AND a mummy and a lot of free art classes and art is one of Ky's passions)
    Toledo Zoo (one of the best in the country as well)
    Detroit to visit relatives
    The beach multiple times (we rarely go to the beach here in GA and Elle has only been once)
    Chicago to visit relatives
    Six Flags Great America
    Chicago Zoo
    Chicago's Museum of Science and Industry (a GREAT interactive museum)

    He has been spending all his free time watching movies, playing outside, and creating video games with my older nephews as they are all really computer geeky (which I love) and creative.

    So he has been having a great time, yet every time I talk to him he is complaining about how he is missing "fun stuff" that Elle gets to do while he's not around. All she has done is go tubing, where she screamed a large percentage of a time and didn't enjoy. I told Ky we would probably go to Chuck E Cheese this weekend, because Elle wants to go and we haven't been in a long time and Ky got all jealous. So I again had to have the selfish/self centered conversation with him via the phone. I hope I am able to keep my calmness as he gets older with this self centered mess that he has. He is a great kid, like most kids IMO, but also most just do not seem to be able to see outside of themselves and their experiences and it is greatly frustrating to me.

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    Wow, I have to admit that *I* am feeling a bit jealous of Ky!!!

    So of course now my school is offering BA w/ a minor in Marketing online I had been interested in it before, but they didn't offer it so I just went with the Accounting minor since that's what I've been planning to do forever. I am a lot less interested in Accounting now, than I had thought I would be. My poor Advisor at the school having to deal with me and my indecisiveness

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  5. #32705

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    Quote Originally Posted by Smplyme89 View Post
    Wow, I have to admit that *I* am feeling a bit jealous of Ky!!!

    So of course now my school is offering BA w/ a minor in Marketing online I had been interested in it before, but they didn't offer it so I just went with the Accounting minor since that's what I've been planning to do forever. I am a lot less interested in Accounting now, than I had thought I would be. My poor Advisor at the school having to deal with me and my indecisiveness
    Honestly, I would stick with accounting. It is more marketable than Marketing LOL! In todays poor economy if I were younger, I'd make sure to chose a career in a high demand field.

    Erin

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    Quote Originally Posted by Ky'sMom View Post
    Honestly, I would stick with accounting. It is more marketable than Marketing LOL! In todays poor economy if I were younger, I'd make sure to chose a career in a high demand field.

    Erin
    I know. The logical side of me says the same thing, but I really have struggled in the couple of Accounting classes I have taken. It wasn't hard so much as it was just b.o.r.i.n.g!!

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  7. #32707

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    Erin, Savana I feel can appear very selfish too. She tries really hard but she gets upset if she sees Kai getting to do or have anything she can't have. When she was in school she would come home and be upset about any activity Kai and I had done going on about how it's not fair. I guess she just wanted us to sit and stare at the wall all day! At first I would try to tell her how she gets to do so many fun activities at school and how she should try to feel happy that Kai got to do something fun too. That never sunk in to her and would just cause her to argue with me about how much hated school and how Kai's stuff was "way funner" than her stuff. So instead I started saying how we really missed her while we were doing it. How we were talking about how much she'd enjoy it if she were home, and how how we miss her and talk about her all the time while she's gone. Now that got through to her. She would instantly become happy. I think it might be more about feeling sad that the people you love could possibly have fun without you around. They should be sitting around crying and missing me, dammit! lol

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    Quote Originally Posted by Bridget View Post
    I think it might be more about feeling sad that the people you love could possibly have fun without you around. They should be sitting around crying and missing me, dammit! lol
    Wait, is there something wrong with that?

    I actually remember feeling a lot like that when I was in school & my brother got to be home all day. I think it's a normal thing for kids to go through.

    Mama to Bobbie 20 ~ Jesi 18 ~ Syd 14 ~ Conner 6
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    Can I just say how proud I am of myself? LOL. I used to get so stressed when I drove somewhere that I'd never been before, but tonight after taking Travis to karate class, I got a little lost in the town center, but I navigated my way back to the route I needed to be on by staying calm and following the road signs (and thank goodness for roundabouts---I never thought I'd say that!) I'm pretty sure I got lost because I am hungry (and a little tired) and I wasn't focussing on what road I had taken. My brain really starts to shut down when I am hungry. I'm just waiting for DH to decide what he wants to eat....

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    Way to go Ash! That's something I never considered...driving around alone in a foreign country. It must have been tremendously challenging.

    Mama to Bobbie 20 ~ Jesi 18 ~ Syd 14 ~ Conner 6
    I'm gonna be a Gramama! Jesi is due 11/22/13


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    Yeah, I've done all sorts of stuff over here that I never would have done in small-town, Arkansas like riding on a metro train, the London tube, driving a stick-shift car, and sitting in a pub for a drink.

  12. #32712

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    Quote Originally Posted by missychrissy View Post
    Wait, is there something wrong with that?

    I actually remember feeling a lot like that when I was in school & my brother got to be home all day. I think it's a normal thing for kids to go through.
    I also think it is a normal thing for kids to go through. But I think (and this is not directed at any of us here) that he should start to realize that everything in the world that everyone does, even us, his family, does not revolve around him and what he wants to do or his feelings. I think a lot of young adults are also "me" focused, like people should always consider their feelings in every little activity, and most of the time, in the real world, we cannot always consider their feelings and we will not always be thinking about them. I don't want either of my kids to get out there and get hurt when they realize that everyone else, either teachers or another family member or friend or whoever, even a SO in the future and even myself, will not always be able to put them first or just won't put them first in a situation and will not think of them. I think Ky is old enough to understand this and I do my best to show him that he is a small piece of this world, without him it wouldn't be the same, but that can be said about any and everyone else on this earth. We are here together. We are no more important than another person and we should be cognizant of that fact.

    He seems to get it and we have deep dicussions about it. I think his selfish/self-centered streak is a normal thing. I just want to start combatting it more, I really started when he was halfway through last school year, and so whenever he brings up how much we are being unfair to him I ask him if he thinks we are being unfair to Elle (or me and DH in regards to chores and such). That usually changes his mind. But he is mature for his age, even though he is still pretty emotionally charged. I have hope that he won't become too much self centered in the future, but you never know. He does know that it is a trait that I see as very negative. Before he left, he was not crying about chores anymore (just looking POd that he had to do them) because we have spoken so much about having to do things we don't want to do. We don't have to have a reason or a game to get them done, they just need to get done, then we can do something we want to do. I think the chore thing is more of an issue than us doing "fun stuff." After I reminded him how much fun stuff he was doing, that immediately changed his mood, and he did apologize for not realizing that he was doing way more stuff than Elle was doing, he was getting more attention, and he was having a lot of fun, which Elle was just stuck at home. I reminded him that he shouldn't focus on what she is doing while he was away, that he should just enjoy his time away. He agreed and hopefully won't bring it up again.

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    That is great Ash! I get extremely anxious anytime i have to go somewhere new. I have absolutely NO sense of direction. I get lost the first (and sometimes the second or third ) time I go.... anywhere. It is ridiculous. I have no internal compass what-so-ever!!

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  14. #32714

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    Quote Originally Posted by Smplyme89 View Post
    That is great Ash! I get extremely anxious anytime i have to go somewhere new. I have absolutely NO sense of direction. I get lost the first (and sometimes the second or third ) time I go.... anywhere. It is ridiculous. I have no internal compass what-so-ever!!
    I do the same thing lol! Don't be embarrassed! I just tell people up front that until I go somewhere at least 3-4 times, I may get lost and don't let too much time pass between the 3rd or 4th time because I may still get lost.

    Erin

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    Quote Originally Posted by Ky'sMom View Post
    I do the same thing lol! Don't be embarrassed! I just tell people up front that until I go somewhere at least 3-4 times, I may get lost and don't let too much time pass between the 3rd or 4th time because I may still get lost.
    Erin
    YES!!!

    Thank you for making me feel like less of a freak of nature!!

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  16. #32716
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    So many people never grow out of that Me Focused phase, Erin, I think it's really great that you're making an effort to teach your children to consider what it's like to not only be thankful for what they have, but that they are not the center of everyone's universe. You are giving me some great ideas. I like to focus on the giving, the not being selfish, and the trying to imagine what it's like to be someone else, but I hadn't thought about that particular lesson.

    Actually, a lot of people never grow out of that phase.


  17. #32717

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    Ash, congrats on your newly found mad nav skills.

    L, I think it was really generous and loving of you to do a search on Fourier to learn more about what your DH was talking about at all. I can't say I would be nice enough to do that for my DH. Only last night, he was getting into some detail about microphone patterns, and I remember feeling irritated with him for getting into that stuff, when all he was really trying to tell me was that one friend got mad at another friend for selling him a $6000 vintage microphone that wasn't authentic because it had a later-model doo-hickey that controls the pattern. All he had to say was "D yelled at G for selling an expensive vintage mic that didn't have all the original parts". So, getting to the point is not his strong suit. Also, I know Einstein said, "If you can't explain it simply, you don't understand it well enough." Perhaps that's not entirely true, but I do appreciate it when the person talking to me takes the time to gauge my knowledge and tailors his speech to my level of understanding. Being able to break things down into laymen's terms is a big part of my job. To be fair, I'd be crazy impressed with anyone who could break down Fourier's Transforms into laymen's terms.

    In Malcolm Gladwell's Outliers, there's a chapter about who is responsible for the overall comprehension in a conversation and how it can differ from culture to culture. This is totally oversimplifying it, but basically, in some cultures, it's expected that the speaker speak clearly and validate that he was understood. If the listener didn't get it, it's the speaker's fault. In other cultures, the onus is on the listener to correctly interpret the speaker's words plus any subtext. If the listener didn't understand, it's his own fault. I laughed when I got to that part, because in my job, I'm expected do both; I have to speak with high precision and redundantly make sure people got what I said, and when people talk in generalities, it's up to me to tease out the specifics from them. Any miscommunication would be my fault, whether I'm the speaker or the listener. It hardly seems fair. LOL.

    As far as Fourier, I was about to say that all I know from Stieg Larrson is that the chick with the dragon tattoo got obsessed with his unsolvable theorem, but then realized that was Fermat and not Fourier. So I pretty much know nothing about the guy.

    Erin, it sounds like Ky is having an awesome time in Ohio. If you drafted a list of all the fun things Ky got to do and put it next to the list of all the things that Elle got to do, I'd love to hear how he'd argue with that.

    Christina, I'm sorry you're feeling overwhelmed, and depressed as a result of that. You really do need some time away from the mess. I was concerned last night when I read about your mom & chicken-chicken-bo-bicken, especially the part about your dad accusing her of doing cocaine. I didn't realize that your mom was self-destructive in any way (judging by your dad's report, anyway). You may reach a point where you have to put some distance between yourself and the people in your life that are making you continually unhappy. I call them toxic people. You can love them, but still set boundaries where they won't be allowed to make their problems your problems. Deciding not to bail your brother out was one example where you set some good boundaries for yourself. Maybe you will need to set more boundaries where the family is concerned. The hardest thing, I think, is to stand aside and let people you love fall down. It helps to remember that they made their own choices, especially if you tried to warn them once or twice of the consequences. When it comes to the toxic people in my life, when I've decided it's time to detach, I have a personal policy of making sure I state my position once and only once. I don't care if it gets through to them or not, as long as I said it. I just want to make sure, before I step back, that I have communicated my issues, where I think the situation has become unacceptable, and also make sure I let them know "I'll be over here" should they decide to right the situation on their own accord. That way they know you've left the door open for them, but it's up to them to follow you through it.

    I had more I wanted to write, but ran out of time. Be back soon!
    Last edited by demigraf; 06-22-2012 at 12:05 AM.

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    Add me to the list of people who have no sense of direction. I don't know what I would do without GPS. I always tell DH if he wanted to get rid of me all he'd have to do is drive 10 miles away and drop me off, I'd probably never be heard from again.

    Erin, I think it's awesome you are being proactive about curbing the self-centeredness that usually comes in adolescence. The amount of self-entitlement I ran into teaching college students was overwhelming... it's strange to think that just a few generations ago that same age group would be expected to work long hours and care for their families. I won't digress into a "kids these days" rant, but it's really shocking how much people have lost their sense of self-sacrifice and independence.

    On a different note, Abbey has pneumonia, again. Poor girl. At least we caught it early. She's now napping after her first dose of abx and I'm about to join her.
    Last edited by AbbeysMom; 06-21-2012 at 08:45 PM.



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    Oh, I have no sense of direction either, that's why I'm thankful for roundabouts and signs! And I loved your pun, Myles!

    Molly, I'm so sorry that A is poorly. (hugs)

    Dh just told me that my old line manager came up to him today (we used to work at the same place) and asked him to tell me to stop putting her name on applications as a reference because she doesn't have time to fill them out; instead she thinks I should just put the generic HR e-mail on as a reference. She's had 3 requests through recently because schools ask for references before they interview you, not afterwards. I can understand that it's a lot of requests in a short period of time, but to ask that I stop using her as a reference when these applications specifically ask for a reference from your last employer. Using a generic e-mail just seems so not right. Or am I wrong?

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    Oh, I have no sense of direction either, that's why I'm thankful for roundabouts and signs! And I loved your pun, Myles!

    Molly, I'm so sorry that A is poorly. (hugs)

    Dh just told me that my old line manager came up to him today (we used to work at the same place) and asked him to tell me to stop putting her name on applications as a reference because she doesn't have time to fill them out; instead she thinks I should just put the generic HR e-mail on as a reference. She's had 3 requests through recently because schools ask for references before they interview you, not afterwards. I can understand that it's a lot of requests in a short period of time, but to ask that I stop using her as a reference when these applications specifically ask for a reference from your last employer. Using a generic e-mail just seems so not right. Or am I wrong?

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    Quote Originally Posted by 3andMe View Post
    So many people never grow out of that Me Focused phase, Erin, I think it's really great that you're making an effort to teach your children to consider what it's like to not only be thankful for what they have, but that they are not the center of everyone's universe. You are giving me some great ideas. I like to focus on the giving, the not being selfish, and the trying to imagine what it's like to be someone else, but I hadn't thought about that particular lesson.

    Actually, a lot of people never grow out of that phase.
    I totally agree with you L. While it's a normal phase, part of our job as parents it to try to teach them to have compassion for others.

    Maybe my mistake with my kids is that I didn't really do anything for myself or take time for me until very recently. So while they do have compassion and selflessness for others, they don't for mom. Because I never thought to teach them that it was ok for mom's to have needs as an individual outside their family. :/

    Quote Originally Posted by AbbeysMom View Post
    Add me to the list of people who have no sense of direction. I don't know what I would do without GPS. I always tell DH if he wanted to get rid of me all he'd have to do is drive 10 miles away and drop me off, I'd probably never be heard from again.


    I think I navigate around by myself pretty good. I've driven all over the east coast alone without getting lost. I often get things on Freecycle in areas I'm not familiar with and besides having to turn around 'cause I spotted the house number right AT the driveway, I don't think I've gotten lost once. When I do get lost, I have a pretty good idea of which direction I need to head in to get to the road I want to be on. Usually. In Reading, PA (a real nightmare!) I had to stop for directions. Oh, and on Bordentown, NJ (just outside of Trenton. That one was scary!)

    Quote Originally Posted by AmeriBrit View Post
    Dh just told me that my old line manager came up to him today (we used to work at the same place) and asked him to tell me to stop putting her name on applications as a reference because she doesn't have time to fill them out; instead she thinks I should just put the generic HR e-mail on as a reference. She's had 3 requests through recently because schools ask for references before they interview you, not afterwards. I can understand that it's a lot of requests in a short period of time, but to ask that I stop using her as a reference when these applications specifically ask for a reference from your last employer. Using a generic e-mail just seems so not right. Or am I wrong?
    I don't think you're wrong at all. What are you going to do? I think I'd be tempted to continue using her and hope to get a job soon.

    The talk with Rich went well tonight. Because he was sober. He agreed with me about the drinking and even about crying in front of the kids. And I don't think he was doing it because it's what I want to hear. Not that he can't ever cry in front of them, but from what I gathered it was pretty intense the other night and really not appropriate for the girls to be involved in.

    If he doesn't think I'm serious, he can test me but he's gonna lose the kids. We're going to do family counseling together to help the kids adjust to our new living situation(s).

    Mama to Bobbie 20 ~ Jesi 18 ~ Syd 14 ~ Conner 6
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    Poor little Abby! Pneumonia scares me.

    DH is seriously directionally challenged. Back in the days before Mapquest and GPS, he drove to Princeton, NJ (about the size of a postage stamp) and could not find the freaking university! And no one could be worse than dad. He would take directions given to him by the person whose house he's going to, get to an intersection, look around and announce that he was going the other way, 'cause it looks right. The only time he started from NY and made it here without getting lost, I had given him precise instructions (After exit 52, stay in the second lane from the right, and exit the highway when it turns). Otherwise, he'd call me from all sorts of odd places and ask for directions, and then I have to hunt down tiny little specks on a map and hand hold him down highways and byways I'm not familiar with.

    Because of that, and being the navigator when we were house hunting (for a year), I'm good at finding my way around. I also have a tendency to never take the same route twice, and tend to know backroads and such fairly well.

    I'm glad the talk with Rich went well, Chrissy. I hope he really does sober up.

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    I hope Abby gets better fast

    I am under no delusions that Rich is going to suddenly quit drinking. I simply spelled out some ground rules that as a responsible adult he has to follow. And I hope I made it clear that if I find out he's been driving with the kids in the car while he's drunk, I'll take them. They can hate me all they want, but I will not negotiate on that at all.

    He agreed with me that it's not about us. It's about our kids first.

    Mama to Bobbie 20 ~ Jesi 18 ~ Syd 14 ~ Conner 6
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  24. #32724

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    Well, that's good that you two see eye to eye on that, Chrissy. It is a little unsettling that you have to warn him "IF I catch you driving with the kids drunk...". If he's drunk, do you think he'll remember that warning, though? I hope that at least your girls are old enough to refuse to get in the car with him if he's been drinking. I'd mostly be worried about Connor.

    Ugh. Poor Abbey. That sucks, Molly! I hope she heals up soon. Please kiss her for me.

    Quote Originally Posted by AmeriBrit View Post
    Oh, I have no sense of direction either, that's why I'm thankful for roundabouts and signs! And I loved your pun, Myles!

    Molly, I'm so sorry that A is poorly. (hugs)

    Dh just told me that my old line manager came up to him today (we used to work at the same place) and asked him to tell me to stop putting her name on applications as a reference because she doesn't have time to fill them out; instead she thinks I should just put the generic HR e-mail on as a reference. She's had 3 requests through recently because schools ask for references before they interview you, not afterwards. I can understand that it's a lot of requests in a short period of time, but to ask that I stop using her as a reference when these applications specifically ask for a reference from your last employer. Using a generic e-mail just seems so not right. Or am I wrong?
    OK. Total confession time: I didn't know there was a pun in there until you pointed it out..."newly found" - I get it! I was so completely just about to take credit for that, but my conscience got the better of me. And the bolded part, you're talking like such a Brit these days. LOL.

    I think it'd be ok to put the HR generic e-mail only if your prospective employer is asking to verify your former employment. If it's for a professional reference, then, yeah, it should go to your former manager, and those cases, I always contact the people I'm using as reference first to ask if it's ok. None of my references have been required to fill out long forms, though. :/ At worst, it's a 10 minute interview about my strengths and weaknesses, done over the phone. Maybe it's different in the UK. Good luck on your job hunt, regardless.

    -----

    I am good with navigation (except underwater dive navigation; my instructor really shouldn't have passed me when I did that part for Advanced Open Water certification. LOL). Generally, I can build a map in my head after looking at an actual map once, and envision my position/direction as a dot on that map pretty well. When we're trying to get anywhere, I have to navigate for both me & hubby because he gets turned around easily. I'm amazed he managed to walk from Georgia to Maine and only get lost once. On the other hand, It's time that I have a terrible sense of. I can't tell the difference between 5 and 30 minutes. DH constantly needs to tell me what day it is. I can't tell you if it's the 3rd or the 23rd of most months. Some people have a natural knack for that, I've noticed. My great-aunt (now with dementia), for example... anyone could tell her his/her birthday, and she could almost instantly say, "Your birthday will fall on a Tuesday this year." It was amazing.
    Last edited by demigraf; 06-22-2012 at 12:06 AM.

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    I shouldn't have been passed for underwater dive navigation, either. I'm lucky DH was my partner. However, I can drive into any large random metro area I have never been to and unerringly find my way to within a mile or two of where I need to be before I need to look at a map or an address. This was before GPS. I wonder sometimes if I will lose my sense of direction because of GPS.

    Smooth healing for Abbey. Pneumonia sucks!
    Last edited by 3andMe; 06-22-2012 at 08:15 AM.


  26. #32726

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    Quote Originally Posted by 3andMe View Post
    I shouldn't have been passed for underwater dive navigation, either.
    Did you have to swim a perfect square for your test too? I would hate to actually see the shape I drew with my swim pattern with that one (probably would look like Bodhi's attempt to draw a hexagon). I did like the nitrogen narcosis test, though, where I had to assemble a puzzle at 100 ft. I swear, I think I did better at that depth than I did later on the boat.

  27. #32727
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    Quote Originally Posted by demigraf View Post
    Well, that's good that you two see eye to eye on that, Chrissy. It is a little unsettling that you have to warn him "IF I catch you driving with the kids drunk...". If he's drunk, do you think he'll remember that warning, though? I hope that at least your girls are old enough to refuse to get in the car with him if he's been drinking. I'd mostly be worried about Connor.
    I know. And this is a huge worry for me as well. I don't know how much I can trust him. I'm battling with myself about whether I should wait and see. He was drinking/driving with Conner in the car for at least an entire summer before I found out about it. Probably longer. He'd stop with his coworker that he drove home every afternoon for 1-2, buy himself a 6 or 12 pack and open one up to keep between his legs while bringing Conner home 15 miles. He knocked that off in a hurry when I found out about it but there will be a part of me that worries if that's gonna happen again.

    It will depend a lot on Rich's attitude. I can tell when he's drinking regular. I'm so sensitive to it-and his mood changes so drastically-there's no way he can hide it from me. If it's a daily thing, I'm going to take the kids before he gets to the point where he thinks it's ok to drive with Conner in the truck. Bobbie and Jesi would refuse to ride with their dad, and they'd protect their younger siblings (Bobbie already did-that's how I found out about what was going on last summer). But of course Conner is far too little to understand what's going on and I don't think Syd would dare say anything to her dad.

    I did talk to him about that last night and said that even IF he thought he was ok to drive, he's teaching the kids that it's ok to ride with drunk drivers and to think for one minute about them getting in the car with an 18 year old drunk without years of driving experience and riding around town. Rich physically shuddered and I said, "see, so you can't be the example that that is ok."

    Mama to Bobbie 20 ~ Jesi 18 ~ Syd 14 ~ Conner 6
    I'm gonna be a Gramama! Jesi is due 11/22/13


  28. #32728

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    I hope Abbey gets better soon, poor thing. Pneumonia is horrible. I had it once when I was 12 and it is one of my worse illness memories and I hope to never get it again.

    I am also glad your conversation went well with Rich. I would think he would see you are serious and not try to test you and cause himself to be in the midst, and the kids, of a custody case.

  29. #32729
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    Quote Originally Posted by demigraf View Post
    Christina, I'm sorry you're feeling overwhelmed, and depressed as a result of that. You really do need some time away from the mess. I was concerned last night when I read about your mom & chicken-chicken-bo-bicken, especially the part about your dad accusing her of doing cocaine. I didn't realize that your mom was self-destructive in any way (judging by your dad's report, anyway). You may reach a point where you have to put some distance between yourself and the people in your life that are making you continually unhappy. I call them toxic people. You can love them, but still set boundaries where they won't be allowed to make their problems your problems. Deciding not to bail your brother out was one example where you set some good boundaries for yourself. Maybe you will need to set more boundaries where the family is concerned. The hardest thing, I think, is to stand aside and let people you love fall down. It helps to remember that they made their own choices, especially if you tried to warn them once or twice of the consequences. When it comes to the toxic people in my life, when I've decided it's time to detach, I have a personal policy of making sure I state my position once and only once. I don't care if it gets through to them or not, as long as I said it. I just want to make sure, before I step back, that I have communicated my issues, where I think the situation has become unacceptable, and also make sure I let them know "I'll be over here" should they decide to right the situation on their own accord. That way they know you've left the door open for them, but it's up to them to follow you through it.
    I agree and I have cut out most of the toxic people in my life. My brother and my mom though, it's hard. SO incredibly hard. My dad's accussations are more than like just that, accussations. He is unstable, is spending too much time alone, and making things up in his head to justify her leaving him. He has text me a couple times this week and it really needs to stop, it's irritating me. I told him the other week that I was OK with him texting/calling if he was around our house and wanted to take Nolan to the park or something. It was NOT an invitation for him to contact me at will.

    Things are a little crazy, but I'm loving every minute of it My Blog


  30. #32730
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    I really hope that Abbey feels better Poor thing

    Chrissy I am glad that your talk with Rich went well. I hope that he really heeds what you have to say and puts his kids before his own emotions.

    Things are a little crazy, but I'm loving every minute of it My Blog


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