Secular Confessions

[Suja]

Suja, at the very least, he could sit on an inflatable donut for the flight. Is he sure it's hemorrhoids and not a fissure or something? I'm glad he's seeing a specialist, but if he has any kind of a treatment now he's probably going to be in pain for a little while longer and may be recommended to not sit for prolonged periods. I imagine he's already done all the OTC meds possible.

Correct on all counts. It turned out to be a fissure. I am really pissed at his primary care physician who just prescribed some hemorrhoid stuff without even looking. The specialist did say that a 24 hour plane ride is not recommended, but he's got to do what he's got to do. Any idea where to get one of those donut things? It wasn't at CVS or the compounding pharmacy (maybe I disn't look in the right place).

FIL has edema in the face now. SIL things multiple system failure. DH wanted to leave today, but it would be the kind that takes 2 or 3 stops and 35+ hours, which he cannot physically do right now. So, he's leaving tomorrow night, the 20 hour flight we normally take. I really hope he gets to see his dad, preferably on the mend.

In other news, my preggo friend let me know yesterday that her doc is planning to do a C on Friday of next week. We are watching their two dogs. Then today, she told me that her platelets are down and BP is up; not sure if this means junior might need to come out sooner. It will be interesting times, 4 dogs and one kid by myself.

[missychrissy]

I'm glad you guys rescued the birdies Bridget. What a neat adventure.

I had an awful time at Rich's tonight. I tried talking to Jesi but she wasn't hearing any of it. Apparently she held her father while he cried about me last night so of course I'm the bad guy here. She stormed out of the house and I couldn't help but snip at him about keeping the kids out of things. That started WWIII. I got on his case about drinking again. He was drinking tonight (hence his argumentative mood) and I'm sure he was last night as well (hence his crying spell). He blamed me for his drinking because I'm on the computer all the time and he was bored. Forget the fact that he was drinking years before we even had a computer or internet. And it was my fault that he was drunk when Bobbie & I returned from the hospital the day she was attacked. If I'd have told him, he wouldn't have been. it's ALL my fault. Classic alcoholic syndrome.

As I was leaving he shouted at me that he wants his computer back. I was confused for a moment, but he was talking about my Macbook Pro. The credit line is in his name, but it was purchased for me and I've been making payments on it. I'm not sure if he can do something, but he doesn't want to go there. I'm paying both his cell phone and car insurance.

I'm really thinking it's clear I'm going to have to file for custody of the kids and I don't want to do that. Syd was also on her dad's side tonight. Forcing them to live with me will make them resent me on a level that would take years to overcome. But...I have a responsibility to keep my kids safe and I don't know that I can trust Rich right now. I don't know what to do.

[Cosmosmom]

Suja try a medical supple store. A place where they sell walkers and canes and that sort of thing.

[3andMe]

Suja, there is a nitroglycerine ointment that can heal fissures and ease the pain of them immensely, although a side effect can be severe headaches. That may help if his doctor can prescribe it. People say the headaches are worth it, and they diminish over time. It's been used in Europe for a long time, although it's relatively new in the US. It may actually need to be made at a compounding pharmacy.

Back after bedtime!

[Smplyme89]

J really needs drug rehab. BAD. His supposed "quitting" that he did 6 months ago, was merely him finding a better way to hide it. He did cut back, but he didn't stop. With that type of drug you can't just cut back. It' all or nothing. It will eventually consume his life again. I do hope they charge him with something so that he can get drug rehab. Otherwise I am sure he will get out and return to his previous ways. <<--- Does that sound awful that I DO want my brother to get charged with something?!?!

Bridget that makes me laugh that he didn't want to get pecked!1 Woohoo for a front porch! That is on our "To Do List" for the house, but that thing is SO long a porch is quite a ways down!

Chrissy, that is so hard. I hate that you are going through this and I hate even more that he is turning to drinking as a way to mask his pain Many mama.

So, more of the family drama-saga. My dad text me earlier saying I needed to be careful with my mom watching Nolan because she is doing cocaine and other drugs with winner-winner chicken dinner that she is seeing I didn't even respond. I'm not interested in talking to him about anything other than his visits with Nolan and definitely not interested in talking to him about my mom. Not that she watches Nolan at all anymore anyway, so whatever.

Days like today I wish I could just tell her to move out already. I know she'll be doing it on her own shortly, so why even have the argument. She's never here anyway. She stays here maybe 2-3 nights a week. Or she does like she did today. Off work at 5:30, comes home about 7 (inbetween she was at winner-winners house), eats dinner that we cooked (by herself since we've already eaten by that time), washes some laundry and is gone by 9:30. I mean really, WTH is the point!?!? Yet she keeps saying she's not "rushing" into anything. I call bull-hockey! Oh, and he called her literally two minutes (I am not exaggerating unfortunately) after she walked in the door today and his ring tone is now some country love song.... Ugh, makes me sick. Before she left she started talking about doing something with me this weekend. I just..... don't want too. She'll want to talk about him every 5 minutes and I have to sit there and keep my mouth shut, because anything I say contrary to her she gets cranky

So........ Worse Big Sister and worse Daughter of the year award right here

[Bridget]

No way, Christine. You are being too hard on yourself. The best thing you can do is focus on your own little family and moving forward with your education and your soon to be growing family. The rest of them are grown ups and they are responsible for themselves.

I yelled at Savana and Kai tonight right before bed. Nothing makes me more upset with myself. Didn't raise my voice once the entire day and then I lose it at bedtime so it's the last thing they hear before they go to bed. Well, except I crawled into bed with each of them for a second after I finally got Sawyer to sleep and said I was very sorry. Savana said, "I know, mama. I knew you would be."

[twinmom34]

Ladies, I am sorry to butt in but....I just saw the number of views on this thread and decided you all needed to do a raffle to raise funds for XXXXXXX with a vote of when this thread will hit 1 million views! Donate $1 and you can vote! It is crazy when I see this thread on "what's new" and see the view count continually creep up!!!!! You all are some popular women

[Suja]

Ladies, I am sorry to butt in but....I just saw the number of views on this thread and decided you all needed to do a raffle to raise funds for XXXXXXX with a vote of when this thread will hit 1 million views! Donate $1 and you can vote! It is crazy when I see this thread on "what's new" and see the view count continually creep up!!!!! You all are some popular women

Maybe people are just waiting for us to slip up and post about our heathen cabal where we dance naked under the full moon or something

Actually, I didn't know that we were that popular.

[Smplyme89]

Thanks Bridget. I keep telling myself that, over and over again. I feel like everytime I open myself to anyone, family included, I get shot down. Yet, I am the one at fault because I have been deemed "cold" by most My whole life has been this way. I've never been able to depend on anyone and as I get older and gain more experience about other people and their relationships. I realize what I am missing. Sometimes I get tired of feeling so..... alone all the time.

Sorry for my pity party.

[Smplyme89]

Maybe people are just waiting for us to slip up and post about our heathen cabal where we dance naked under the full moon or something

SUJA!! I thought that was our special little secret

[missychrissy]

Aww Bridget. I'm always amazed at how insightful Savana is.

And Christina. You & me are a lot alike. It sounds like we've had very similar experiences...at least as far as always feeling like you have to be the dependable one, yet finding it hard to find someone you can in turn lean on. It is indeed a very, very lonely feeling.

[Bridget]

Chrissy, I read your post earlier and then I hit backspace too many times during my reply and lost it. But in short, I am just so sad that Rich isn't stepping up right now. The kids really need both of you to be strong during this transition in your family. I can't blame you at all for wanting to file for custody. Do you think when emotions calm down you can get the girls to understand why you'd really like them with you?

[missychrissy]

I waited a bit and sent Rich a message saying we needed to talk, but I will not talk or see him if he's been drinking at all. I suggested we meet at my place after work tomorrow. No kids. No alcohol. Maybe it's futile, but I'm going to try to reason with him while he's sober about his drinking habits. But if he fails to comply with our agreement (and I will make it seem like he has input ), then I'll file for custody. He's not getting another shot at this. It's much too serious.

I'm not going to worry about where Bobbie and Jesi live. Bobbie is 19 and Jesi will be 18 in Sept anyway. I'm just going to have to be patient with Jesi. Bobbie told me today that she doesn't really care what our issues are, they're not her business. She didn't say it in as snotty of a tone as that probably reads. More like-it's our life, she loves us both, and whatever we decide she'll be ok with.

Syd and Conner will both be VERY upset if I have to force them to move out of their dad's. I think it would take years of counseling to get us through it. Syd would be very angry and bitter for a long time over that.

By the time I sent Rich the message, of course he was contrite and apologetic. As always. *sigh* I'm hoping I can get through to him tomorrow about how serious I am about taking the kids. You'd think me actually moving out would be 1 clue that I'm not playing games.

[Smplyme89]

Thanks Chrissy for understanding. It's been especially hard on me lately for some reason. I just feel like I am at a point in my life where I really, really need some emotional support. Some encouraging words. SOMETHING. I haven't asked for much of it in the past years. I've always taken care of myself and done as much as possible for those that I love (even when they don't deserve it). DH and I have lived here for 5 years and have housed someone in his family/my family for over 4 of those years Did we get any appreciation? No. Who do I have if **** hits the fan for us? No one. I know not one single person who would/could give us a place to stay or help us onto our feet. I don't have the luxury of being able to screw up.

Anyway, I'm going to take my miserable/depressed self to bed and I hope that I feel better in the a.m. Sorry again for the pity party.

[Smplyme89]

I waited a bit and sent Rich a message saying we needed to talk, but I will not talk or see him if he's been drinking at all. I suggested we meet at my place after work tomorrow. No kids. No alcohol. Maybe it's futile, but I'm going to try to reason with him while he's sober about his drinking habits. But if he fails to comply with our agreement (and I will make it seem like he has input ), then I'll file for custody. He's not getting another shot at this. It's much too serious.

I'm not going to worry about where Bobbie and Jesi live. Bobbie is 19 and Jesi will be 18 in Sept anyway. I'm just going to have to be patient with Jesi. Bobbie told me today that she doesn't really care what our issues are, they're not her business. She didn't say it in as snotty of a tone as that probably reads. More like-it's our life, she loves us both, and whatever we decide she'll be ok with.

Syd and Conner will both be VERY upset if I have to force them to move out of their dad's. I think it would take years of counseling to get us through it. Syd would be very angry and bitter for a long time over that.

By the time I sent Rich the message, of course he was contrite and apologetic. As always. *sigh* I'm hoping I can get through to him tomorrow about how serious I am about taking the kids. You'd think me actually moving out would be 1 clue that I'm not playing games.

I hope that the talk goes well and that "sober" Rich see's what he is doing. I have this strong urge to knock him upside his head and tell him to wake the F up.

[Bridget]

I hope tomorrow is a better day for you, Christine. I don't know what you think about Buddhist teachings but something that has really helped me get past a lot of anger (mostly with dbf) is to realize that I cannot control anyone else's actions. The only thing I can control is how I react, or more precisely, how I let it affect my mood. That is the only thing I have power over and I like to excersize that power.

[missychrissy]

Christina-I have SOOOO been there, feeling like that. I hope you never have to find out what you'd do if the crap really hit the fan in that fashion, but if it did, someone somewhere would find a way to help you. I really wish I could physically hug you. My heart aches for you.

One of the little things Syd & Jesi got upset with me about is that I found some queen size sheets on freecycle. I knew I'd be taking a gamble, but I only have 1 set and I'm not fond of them. $ is very tight since i had to buy all my furnishings and I STILL haven't sold my car. Anyway, I took a risk and said I'd take these sheets and the person offering them picked me. Syd & Jesi jumped on me about how they only have 1 set each and they're old (I believe they're from Christmas, so not THAT old!). I couldn't believe they were actually angry with me for getting 2 sets of free sheets.

I'm really starting to feel like everything has always got to be about them or else they're going to be upset with me. I'm at a loss as to how this happened. I didn't raise them to be that way and they never showed signs of being so selfish. I just don't know what's going on.

[missychrissy]

I hope that the talk goes well and that "sober" Rich see's what he is doing. I have this strong urge to knock him upside his head and tell him to wake the F up.

I tried that with a coffee cup when I was about 19. It didn't do any good. lol

[missychrissy]

It's a true story. He likes to tell about the time I was violent with him. My excuse was I was a teenager AND pregnant (with Jesi) and he had just f'd someone else. I think he deserved it.

[Bridget]

He totally deserved it. He deserves it now too.

[missychrissy]

Nah, it's ok now. We both laugh about the coffee cup incident and I did get to a point where that no longer bothered me any more (the other girl). We were so young. It's amazing we lasted as long as we did, and although I might list a lot of complaints that have gone back a few years, we've had a good run. We had a good, real relationship. I think we have been a good team as far as parenting goes. I don't have any regrets.

His drinking has totally gotten in the way and I don't know that I'll ever get over that-even if he does quit for good-but he's still a good man and a good dad. He'll always be a good guy. For my kids sakes, I'm happy about that. I have a great dad & I know how important that is.

[Suja]

I have no words of wisdom for you, Chrissy and Christina. Just the hope that there is a light at the end of this tunnel.

Also, THERE IS NO CABAL.

[3andMe]

Suja, you just have to be here 13 months, 13 days, and 13 hours. Then you'll be invited to the cabal.

Oh wait, member since 2009? I'm such a slacker. D'oh!

Oh, and I forgot to mention it's a canal, not cabal. Panama Canal Cruise Meet-Up, secular group, 2013.

Have I mentioned I'm totally sleep-deprived and not making sense?

DH was just trying to talk to me about his work and was saying things about Fourier transforms and other things, and when I stopped him and asked him to explain it for a minute he said, "But wait, this is just the most basic part. This is just the background of what I was really going to explain!" I just looked it up on Wikipedia and got as far as this:

here are several common conventions for defining the Fourier transform ƒ̂ of an integrable function ƒ : R → C (Kaiser 1994, p. 29), (Rahman 2011, p. 11). This article will use the definition: , for every real number ξ. When the independent variable x represents time (with SI unit of seconds), the transform variable ξ represents frequency (in hertz). Under suitable conditions, ƒ can be reconstructed from ƒ̂ by the inverse transform:
for every real number x.

and realized there was pretty much nothing I could really do except nod and smile and appreciate his knowledge and enthusiasm. If I could not understand it when wide awake, there is no way I could understand it when I've been awake since 3:20 this morning.

[AmeriBrit]

I confess I do not know what a cabal is, so I guess that means I am not a true heathen....but I do not know what I am....Bwahahaha!

L, it sounds like your husband should be a character on The Big Bang Theory.

Suja, I'm glad your husband is going to see his dad; I hope his journey isn't too painful for him.

Chrissy, I get so frustrated when I read how Rich and the kids have treated you lately. I know you mentioned that you didn't raise them to be so selfish, but I think that's just the way most people are; they react to things thinking, 'how is this going to affect me?' The best thing to do is just keep doing what you're doing, knowing that you are on the right track.

Travis is in to that cartoon 'Phineas and Ferb' now. He is standing in front of the TV trying to sing the theme tune. It's cute. I like this cartoon; it's entertaining. We're off to meet the mummy friends after lunch today. Sometimes I feel so boring compared to them. They all seem to have something dramatic going on in their lives with affairs, illnesses and stuff and here I am just plowing along with nothing exciting going on. But, any ways, it's good to get out there and make myself socialize; otherwise, I'd just be a little hermit here at home with the kids. I'm just rambling now. I'll go and start tidying around the house while I can. It's raining here and is supposed to rain all weekend....I think we are officially not having a summer this year.

[missychrissy]

Oh, and I forgot to mention it's a canal, not cabal. Panama Canal Cruise Meet-Up, secular group, 2013.

Sounds like a plan!!

That other stuff-oiy. Kudos to your dh and anyone else who understands it. It's endearing that he's so passionate about it.

Travis is in to that cartoon 'Phineas and Ferb' now. He is standing in front of the TV trying to sing the theme tune. It's cute. I like this cartoon; it's entertaining. We're off to meet the mummy friends after lunch today. Sometimes I feel so boring compared to them. They all seem to have something dramatic going on in their lives with affairs, illnesses and stuff and here I am just plowing along with nothing exciting going on. But, any ways, it's good to get out there and make myself socialize; otherwise, I'd just be a little hermit here at home with the kids. I'm just rambling now. I'll go and start tidying around the house while I can. It's raining here and is supposed to rain all weekend....I think we are officially not having a summer this year.

Boo for no summer Ash. You're life isn't 'boring'-you live across the ocean from your family. I can't imagine that's an easy thing. But I kwym and coming from someone who's had one thing after another happen for too many months to count, my advice is to appreciate it. My guess is it won't last long.

I'm kinda looking forward to a boring phase myself. Until last night when Rich got all mean from drinking, I thought maybe this would be it. We'd have a new routine, but perhaps we'd all find more peace in our lives. Now I'm really afraid I might have to go to court for custody of the kids and really push for Rich to be mandated to seek counseling. I might suggest we do family counseling tonight to him. Maybe that would help the kids adjust and recognize that I'm a human too.

[Smplyme89]

I hope tomorrow is a better day for you, Christine. I don't know what you think about Buddhist teachings but something that has really helped me get past a lot of anger (mostly with dbf) is to realize that I cannot control anyone else's actions. The only thing I can control is how I react, or more precisely, how I let it affect my mood. That is the only thing I have power over and I like to excersize that power.

It is funny that you mention that. Buddhism has long been one of my favorite religions. There practices have always spoke to me in a sense. Thank you for reminding me of this

Christina-I have SOOOO been there, feeling like that. I hope you never have to find out what you'd do if the crap really hit the fan in that fashion, but if it did, someone somewhere would find a way to help you. I really wish I could physically hug you. My heart aches for you.

I really don't mean to sound like I am trying to seek pity. It just that sometimes my depression can take over and after my sh*tty weekend, it is really roaring it's ugly head. I am pretty happy with the person I am, most days. I wish I could be more compassionate, understanding, and less critical in general. At the same time though, those attributes have made me able to continuing being stubborn and push on, even if the odds are always against me

It's my relationships with people that suffer. My relationship with DH suffers the most. I think most of our issues stem from me being the way I am. I can be critical and even crude towards him. He is such a sensitive person and takes things I say to heart. Even if they weren't intended to hurt.

It's a true story. He likes to tell about the time I was violent with him. My excuse was I was a teenager AND pregnant (with Jesi) and he had just f'd someone else. I think he deserved it.

Uh yeah, he totally deserved it. I do hope the coffee cup was filled with hot coffee, otherwise it was not sufficient!

I'm kinda looking forward to a boring phase myself. Until last night when Rich got all mean from drinking, I thought maybe this would be it. We'd have a new routine, but perhaps we'd all find more peace in our lives. Now I'm really afraid I might have to go to court for custody of the kids and really push for Rich to be mandated to seek counseling. I might suggest we do family counseling tonight to him. Maybe that would help the kids adjust and recognize that I'm a human too.

I think family counseling would be really beneficial for the girls. On the subject of selfishness, I don't think it has any reflection upon how they were raised at all. I chalk it up to age. They are so young, the teenager years usually tend to be an "all about me" sort of stage.

L, whatever you posted gave me a headache. Wow. I tend to do alot of smiling and nodding when DH starts going on about some blue prints or anything skilled craft reated. "Yes baby, Cool baby, Really baby??"

[Smplyme89]

Travis is in to that cartoon 'Phineas and Ferb' now. He is standing in front of the TV trying to sing the theme tune. It's cute. I like this cartoon; it's entertaining. We're off to meet the mummy friends after lunch today. Sometimes I feel so boring compared to them. They all seem to have something dramatic going on in their lives with affairs, illnesses and stuff and here I am just plowing along with nothing exciting going on. But, any ways, it's good to get out there and make myself socialize; otherwise, I'd just be a little hermit here at home with the kids. I'm just rambling now. I'll go and start tidying around the house while I can. It's raining here and is supposed to rain all weekend....I think we are officially not having a summer this year.

Travis is so cute I like that cartoon, it's very inventive. If it's on we usually end up watching. Nolan isn't interested in it though

I think your life sounds heavenly

[missychrissy]

I know you don't want pity, but my heart can't help but empathize because you described what I've felt from time to time so well. It's an awful thing to feel and I think you're much too good of a person to ever have to feel like that.

The good news is that it does get better. I know it's a cliche now, but it's true. This board helps a lot. I don't like to think about where I'd be as a person if I didn't have here to run and whine to, so please don't hold back. It's good to get it out.

[Smplyme89]

I know you don't want pity, but my heart can't help but empathize because you described what I've felt from time to time so well. It's an awful thing to feel and I think you're much too good of a person to ever have to feel like that.

The good news is that it does get better. I know it's a cliche now, but it's true. This board helps a lot. I don't like to think about where I'd be as a person if I didn't have here to run and whine to, so please don't hold back. It's good to get it out.

Thank you Chrissy. It means a lot. I guess I still have the mentality of emotion = weakness. Thanks dad

[missychrissy]

Thank you Chrissy. It means a lot. I guess I still have the mentality of emotion = weakness. Thanks dad

That's old school thinking. Men. Grr!