Christina I'm sorry that you are having to deal with so much. I'm also in the camp that you absolutely should not bail him out. That is your school money and your priority has to be yourself and you son.
Christina, huge hugs. . I agree with everyone, don't bail him out. You're not being selfish, you would be helping him. People who get bailed out constantly, whether it's literal or metaphorical, just repeat their actions.
Myles, I think you showed amazing self-control in the situation with Bohdi's teacher. I just want to hug him.
In other news, I'm finally sleeping better!!! It involves a complicated bedtime ritual of epsom salt baths, herbal molasses tea, electrolytes water through the day and many other things, but it's worth it. Unfortunately, Abbey now has a cold and was up most of the night, either tossing/turning/coughing or crying because her nose was stuffy. My poor babe. I took her into our bed and moved DH to her bed because he had to wake up early. She finally fell asleep propped up with two pillows and another on her side (and eucalyptus oil rag near her head too). Between that and the 4 pillows I sleep with, our bed looked like a giant bag of marshmallows.
Erin, you are right. I really, really know that you are right. I have always felt that way in regards to bailing people out, I just really had faith that he was doing better… What can you do?? DH has been there. He thinks that this might be just what J needs to see what he needs to do to straighten up. The arresting officer knows my brother and for some unknown reason wants to help him. He put a call in this morning to the judge to try to push for a soon-ish court date and to recommend drug re-hab. He obviously needs it. At the very least I do know, without a doubt, that he hasn’t been bringing that crap home with him. He kept his word to me on that, at least.
Chrissy I do try to stay out of it, trust me. If at all possible I avoid talking about it. I don’t agree with how either of them are dealing with this situation and I am tired of talking about it. I only intervene when I feel that their toxicity will chance affecting Nolan (more specifically Nolan’s relationship with them). I want Nolan to have a relationship with his grandparents. BOTH of them. As much distaste I have for my father, it doesn’t change the fact that he is a really good Grampy. Right now my mom is being a pretty crappy mom and Grammy in general, but I’m trying to remember that she is going through something and I can only hope that it is just a phase.
Suja, I very well wish I could take you up on that offer!! All I really want to do right now is crawl into a hole. I am hoping that seeing what it is like to be stuck in a cell day after day will show him that no matter how crappy he thinks he has it, he doesn’t have it THAT bad. If that makes sense
Jennifer thank you Focusing on Nolan I think is the only thing keeping me grounded right now. Everything just hit like a ton of bricks *sigh*
Molly thanks mama I am SO happy you are sleeping!!! I personally think a giant bag of marshmallow bed sounds heavenly!! I used to sleep with my bed covered in pillows pre-DH. Now he only can handle me having 3
Thank you ladies so much for letting me just drop in like this and unload on ya’ll. I haven’t been very good about keeping up, but I’ve been having such a hard time getting out of my own head lately. I just want to crawl into myself and pretend like the outside world doesn’t exist!!
Molly!! Welcome back! I've been looking out for you. When are you due again?
Christina, definitely listen to these ladies here. I would be so angry for you if you sacrificed that much money when it means your brother won't learn his lesson. If he's resourceful, he'll find some other way to make bail anyway. If he stays in jail, though, I just hope the prison system won't corrupt him further. It's really not the best vehicle for reform in its present state. Hugs to you!
Mylah, I would be enraged as well. I'm glad you spoke up for Bodhi. Please try not to let it bother you that the other children sit there while he is overcome with enthusiasm. There is room in this world for all types of people with different learning styles. Not all children learn by sitting and waiting and listening. Very few do, in fact. I think we do our children a huge disservice by expeting them all to act like drones and do just as the others are doing. She is wrong to treat a child that way. Sure, there may be a way to get Bodhi to sit down and quietly and listen at this age but not without crushing his spirit, I gather. I say protect his spirit above all else outside of safety.
Savana always talks about this boy, C, in her kindy class and how naughty he is and how he always has to sit alone because he makes bad choices. I hate hearing her say those things and I have explained to her that some children are not meant to sit in a classroom and listen and quietly and their brains do not work that way. I tell her that I hope someday the adults in his life will find a way to help him do well in school and that he doesn't grow up thinking that he is naughty. She then told me, "Well, he used to be naughty but then he was just sleepy. He would fall asleep on the rug during group time and also fall asleep in his chair during writing workshop". That made my heart sink because I'm guessing he was medicated and that's when he became sleepy instead of naughty.
I saw some really disturbing parenting at the beach yesterday when a mother and father were trying to get their child not much older than Sawyer to go in the water. He really, really did not want to. I mean, it was super hot out but it's a spring fed lake so very cold. It would take me too long to describe everything I witnessed but the result was that this poor child sat in the sand shivering, crying and calling out for his mama for about 45 minutes while his parents totally ignored him, telling him they didn't want to be by him unless he came in the water. And every time he started to dry, the dad would come out of the water and dump a bucket of cold water over his head. I was shaking and wiping away my own tears while playing with Savana and Kai who were also mortified for the poor child. Would you guys have said something? I never know what the right thing to do is and I'm horribly timid when it comes to these things, and then it haunts me.
Last edited by Bridget; 06-18-2012 at 12:30 PM.
I haven't had much time to post lately, but bridget, your post just brought tears to my eyes. That poor baby What horrible parents. I would like to think I would have said something, but I'm not sure I would have had the balls to. What the eff were they trying to accomplish?
Christina, don't worry about keeping up with us. I know I've had stuff going on that was much too much for me and I couldn't keep up with everyone else through those periods. That's what we're here for, and that's what makes this group so great. We can all give and listen and be ok when it's not our turn to have center stage. I've never felt like anyone resented me for monopolizing the conversation and really, it's nice to be able to give back and be the listener for a change. Although, I will say it would be nice if all of us could have what we want going on with life and no worse problems than our local store being out of our favorite shampoo. Or something equally mundane.
I wish I could do more than listen.
Bridget thinking on it for a minute, I have toadmit that I have used Nolan to engage in situations like that. Nolan adores other kids and will take any opporutnity he can to play with them. I find that with most parents like that, while they are wiling to treat there child in such a manner they won't usually if there is a child (that is not theres) in the mix.
Yeah, I can see that working sometimes Christine. In this particular situation my kids wouldn't have gone near. It was all very disturbing. The mom and dad were really rough and wrestling eachother in the water, periodically involving the older child (3ish) in the play. He would be just playing around on his own when suddenly dad would pick him up and throw him, or throw a bucket of water in his face (seriously) and then the child would gasp, shake it off and go about his business. I got the feeling he had learned to cope with his parents. His mom got mad at him for something at some point and told him repeatedly to get away from her because he was a jerk and she was mad at him (the child).
It all just sucked. I kept trying to think of what I could say. Or do. The parents just seemed volatile. They said everything nicely. Like, "Come on. It's just water. Just like a big bathtub." But meanwhile the child is screaming and clinging and then you see the dad sort of grit his teeth while he plops the child in the sand and pointedly turn his back to walk away. Then he comes back, dumps the water on his head and says aloud, "See, it's just water. It won't hurt you." But then I hear the mom under her breath say as she walks past the shivering baby, "Good luck buddy. Daddy's getting mad." *shudder*
I didn't like it one bit.
I might have been passive aggressive and just brought a towel over to him and wrapped him up and then said something like, Oh, he seemed so cold and little kids can't regulate their body temperature like adults so it can be dangerous. (probably not 100% true, but whatever)
The image just makes me so angry
This makes me so thankful that I married a man that is naturally more gentle parenting geared. While he he does have some more traditional tendencies as well, for the most part he prefers to be gentler. He couldn't even tell you the difference in parenting types, it is just who he is. Actually I think for the most part he can be more patient and gentle than me! Ok. Gotta stop there, I am supposed to still be mad at him, so no making me like him right now
J had his arraignment. No ROR and no bond reduction. Mom said he looked like he had been crying, and started crying again after the judge spoke. This is seriously killing me. My heart hurts thinking about it, and I am glad (sad? mad?) that I wasn't there.
Oh don't worry, I know that it wasn't at me but in general. And totally agree that a person doesn't have to be mean or a bully about it. I wouldn't have liked that teacher either. i can say that while I wouldn't have been mean about it, I also wouldn't have taken the time the explain and say "J, l cannot have you doing x because I am concerned about your safety"...not at 3 yrs old...everytime she did something she wasn't supposed to. It was just a calm but firm, that behavior isn't allowed in the water. If you do not stop, you will have a time out on the deck. (which was only 5 minutes at that age). Earlier before we got in, I generally reviewed the rules and the consequences and that we did that because I didn't want to take anyone to the hospital.
But I also grew up with a mom and she's definitely it's my way or the highway kind of person. If we were told to stop it, we stopped it. I know a bit of spanking happened as toddlers but I don't recall it on myself. I do remember timeouts though. Or things taken away. We usually got 3 warnings except in safety issues and my mom always followed through with consequences.
I do think of my mom as bossy....but never a bully. I had some fear of her but was not afraid of her. Her rules made sense and so did her expectations.....and I always knew that I was very much wanted and loved. My mom was not my friend until I was an adult and living on my own. I hope and want to be like my mom is most ways.
Hopefully you can get B into a different class with a teacher that is nicer.
Aw, man, Bridget, that just makes me feel all sick inside for those kids. When I hear stories like this, I always tell myself that if I ever see such behaviour that I will say something but I don't know that I would in fear of being attacked or whatever. What a sad world it must be for some people. :-(
That's just it, Ash. They scared me. And then I wonder if I anger them even more, what will they do the child at home? It's not likely they will say to eachother that I was right and maybe they should be nicer to the kids. Still, doing nothing feels wrong.
Oh, Christina, I guess that's why they came up with the phrase "Tough Love". It's so, so hard to watch somebody you love learning painful lessons. (Painful lessons would be the best case scenario here. Worse case is that he would learn nothing and just harden from whatever punishment he gets.)
Bridget, what you saw on the beach was totally appalling. Hypothetically, I would be timid in your shoes just like you, plus I would be a little afraid for my own children and want to keep them far away from him. But knowing me when I see something that really bothers me, I probably would have done something obnoxious without thinking, like going over there with Bodhi to "play" with the baby, and generally just making the parents uncomfortable knowing another parent was watching. Some people will police themselves just for appearances. Still, going over there could have ended badly too, especially if the dad was one of those types who might have started rough-housing with your kids or worse yet, flipped out on you. So I think you made a wise choice to lay back. That poor baby, though! I would have felt sick to my stomach.
Last edited by demigraf; 06-18-2012 at 03:24 PM.
Those parents would have annoyed me Bridget. I would have went to console the baby while they left him there while they acted like loonies. I would have probably said something to them in a passive way, but I usually say things to people when I feel they are mistreating kids. Probably something like "you are going to make him have a fear of water if you keep doing that" or that they were only making it worse and should try to introduce the water gradually.
I felt bad for poor Elle and her screaming while we were tubing, it was also cold - the water, it is usually only 55-60 degrees even in the summer here and even though it was 90 yesterday, the water made me cold too and I felt so bad for her shivering and such from the splashing.
Molly so happy you are getting more sleep!! I bet you feel better and so exciting that you are almost full term!
Christina, so sorry you had such a horrible weekend, and I will throw my 2 cents in with the others but not as a contribution to a bail fund.
Bridget, ugh, I also have no idea what to do in those kinds of situations, and I also fear that it might be worse for the baby later if there is some interference. Also, unless there is a clear-cut situation where you can leave and safely call the police, there is a chance it might not be safe for you and your family to say something.
Mylah, good for you for standing up for Bodhi. It is so important to find the right fit, both for your child and for yourself.
I got one set of swimming lessons for the twins, and I don't know if you remember but DS almost drowned because he let go of the edge and ended up drifting away while they weren't paying attention and they dunked DD against her will. The place they went is highly recommended, and I have been watching a thread on my local multiples list just rave about this place. They call him "the swim whisperer." My kids can now barely put their faces in the water and blow bubbles. That's it. It was an 8-week session. It was awful. The first lesson they told them to get in and start showing them how they could swim to the other side, and we spoke up and said, "Hey, they are scared to get their faces in the water at this point. We thought this was the very first beginning swim lesson." They agreed that it was, but they just hadn't even bothered to see how comfortable they were in the water.
I need to get more swimming lessons for them at some point, but I am definitely going to go with another place next time.
And now for another cute story, brought to you by DD.
"I'm not going to marry you (pointing at her twin brother), because sisters aren't allowed to marry brothers. Instead, I'm going to marry him (pointing at her little brother). Besides, I think my children will like him more because he's cuter."
LOL She must see a twin as being more a brother than a younger sibling.
And what the heck is up with your swim schools in CA? Dunking a small child against her will. Ugggg. Beginners often spend weeks and weeks just working up to putting faces in the water.
All the talk of swimming and I really miss it. I don't even currently own a suit. I would love to have a pool but I'm up north and the summer here is just generally not hot enough or long enough to justify the cost (and liability...lots of little kids in the neighborhood and no fence)....especially since DH cannot really swim. If we ever won the lottery though, I would be for sure building myself an indoor pool.
I cannot swim in lakes or rivers with my skin condition. And I don't really want to pay for the Y (which isn't in a good location for me). I know that the middle school has a pool and that is probably where we would go for classes.
So last night was the second night I was woken up to very loud strong storms. I hate storms and am not one who can sleep through them. Plus I'm alone at night with the dogs. I don't know how you all do this on little sleep. I got 4 hours Sunday and about 3.5-4 last night. And I'm like a disaster this morning. Headache, crabby, made a great latte at home and spilled all 16 ounces before I could drink it. Tripped, bumped my toe and almost slipped. DH said that was enough and he drove me to work this morning (it's only like a 5 minute drive).
Suja, i think that you were totally spot on about what was in my garden. Got that all pulled and bagged (usually I toss stuff into the field behind me...well things like weeds). Got some cucumber seeds in and I think that I have just enough time to get those to mature before summer will be over.
I keep second guessing a parenting move I made yesterday. Savana asked me to sign her up for an art class so I signed her up for something called Art in the Park. It meets twice a week from 6:00-7:30. That is late for us and my kids are usually grumpy by then because we go go go all day. The first time was a mess. We came to the park early so we could all play for awhile and then when I walked her over to the shelter I had to pry her off me to go. She did fine. After I asked if she liked it and she just gave a shrug. The following class was a thursday so dbf was supposed to take her while I had dinner with dad and bro but he called me around 5 and said he just went to check on her in her bed and she's sound asleep. I don't wake my kids for much because I figure if they are sleeping, they are tired and I really try to teach them to listen to their bodies. Now yesterday was the 3rd class and every time it came up, she cried. All day she asked me how many more hours until she had to go. Told me she really, really, really did not like the class and did not want to go. I kept trying to redirect the conversation so she would not dwell. I was sitting on the deck nursing Sawyer when she came out and snuggled into me and told me she was really sorry because she knows I paid for the class but could she please change her mind. So I let her. And now I feel like crap because maybe I should have made her stick it out. I don't want her to be a quitter. But I also don't want to ignore her when she is point blank asking me to please let her decide this. I remember feeling really powerless as a child and wishing my mom would just listen to me. So I guess that makes me lean too far the other way, I don't know. I'm just not sure I made the right call here and it probably seems trivial but with Savana everything eats away at me because I really want to right by her and take away some of her anxiety.
ANd....all three of my kids are napping today. CRAZY.
L that is such a cute story!! Every time you tell one of the stories about your LOs I smile. What a blessing they are!
Bridget I wish I had some helpful insight mama and WOOHOO for all 3 kids napping!!!
J met with his PD (Public Defender) yesterday. Apparently it looks like the cops did not have probable cause/warrant/permission to enter the vehicle where they found the gun, paraphernalia, and narcotic. Either the charges will be lessened or thrown out all together. It's kind of hard to know for sure, since this is all coming second hand from J, and details are not his strong suit. I *hope* they stick him with something. Preferably not a felony, but he *needs* some sort of drug reform. That can’t happen if they throw everything out. I am afraid of what it will do to his mentality of “nothing can happen to me”. He’s always looked at life that way and this would just be the icing. Because if were being honest, he has *always* managed to get out of everything, somehow, someway. It is just insane. Lucky little sh*t. Anyway. Nothing is for sure yet and he is still sitting there. After reading your responses yesterday I feel much better about not bailing him out. Thank you ladies