Secular Confessions

[missychrissy]

I think another reason why he stays, is because he thinks (probably rightly so) that if he were to leave us, he'd have nowhere to go. Not only that, but his mom who has been helping financially would not continue to help him, rather she'd help me and the kids.

Maybe you could talk to his mom. It sounds like she might continue to help you and the kids. You would also be eligible for assistance too, so don't count that out. I know, no one wants it but this is the type of scenario that it was designed for.

[Inca]

We're already on assistance. Doubt we'd qualify for anything additional than we already receive.

[daylilies]

Hugs Liz I wish I could help more. Just know that you're strong enough to do whatever you want to do.

[Cosmosmom]

Thanks. And yeah, that's why I've never tried to force the issue of him getting help. He doesn't seem to want to be happy, aside from the fact he thinks that "If (he) was alone, (he'd) be happy." So I so "So be it then. Go be happy." I just know, that I am not really able to leave. His mom basically helps as much as she can (which he takes for granted) and covers whatever rent I cannot afford on my own, which generally amounts to half the rent. So in order for anything to work out right, I'd have to move from here to somewhere half the cost, but I'd still need as much space/rooms as possible due to the daycare. Then since he bought the washer and dryer, he would want those. I'd have to find a way to get my own. I have bad/no credit and I wouldn't want to put myself in debt for something like that. My car is a 20 year old car that is on it's last leg (I've been saving to find a used honda odyssey- saving my taxes plus as much extra as I can here and there), I've got 7 chinchillas that it's no issue to feed, but finding the time to interact with them, clean their cages, etc is hard. not to mention finding a landlord who will accept them. There are messy, need their own space, and I've thought of rehoming them which is hard for me to do. Like really really really hard. Anyways...

Ok so it might not be easy or possible to do things right this second. But if you think that you eventually want out, now is the time to start planning. First step would be getting a better car which you are working on. Try to get a small savings built up. Look around at places and see if there is maybe something cheaper that is decent space. It might even come with a washer/dryer.
He would be required by law to pay child support.
Unless the animals are near the end of the lifespan, I would start seriously thinking about rehoming them and I'm generally pretty against doing that for most pets. But the kids have to come first and them growing up with him, doesn't sound healthy. My MIL's biggest regret in her life is staying with her second husband as long as she did (15 years). His influence very much negatively affected my DH and I have spent 14 years working at undoing some of the emotional damage.
See who might be able to help you out...sounds like his mom might.
Start establishing your own credit and building that up. Get a credit card in your name from a bank that has a low limit or even a prepaid one....especially good from a credit union.

Maybe in six months or a year or 18 months, you will be ready. And knowing that at some point, something is going to change and you will get out might help you feel happier and hopeful in the meantime.

[Smplyme89]

Ok so it might not be easy or possible to do things right this second. But if you think that you eventually want out, now is the time to start planning. First step would be getting a better car which you are working on. Try to get a small savings built up. Look around at places and see if there is maybe something cheaper that is decent space. It might even come with a washer/dryer.
He would be required by law to pay child support.
Unless the animals are near the end of the lifespan, I would start seriously thinking about rehoming them and I'm generally pretty against doing that for most pets. But the kids have to come first and them growing up with him, doesn't sound healthy. My MIL's biggest regret in her life is staying with her second husband as long as she did (15 years). His influence very much negatively affected my DH and I have spent 14 years working at undoing some of the emotional damage.
See who might be able to help you out...sounds like his mom might.
Start establishing your own credit and building that up. Get a credit card in your name from a bank that has a low limit or even a prepaid one....especially good from a credit union.

Maybe in six months or a year or 18 months, you will be ready. And knowing that at some point, something is going to change and you will get out might help you feel happier and hopeful in the meantime.

That is some very sound advice Jennifer. Even if he does straighten up and start doing 'right' by you, maybe having a plan in action will help you to feel more at ease in the mean time. Also, I don't know if they have a program where you are... but we have HUD homes that are for low/no income families. I know a few people who have used HUD homes throughout the years and they have been a life saver for them.

[AmeriBrit]

Liz, you've gotten some great advice from the ladies here; I can't offer anymore advice. I have never been in a situation like yours but just wanted to say that I'm sending hugs your way and I know that eventually you'll work things out for yourself and you'll do what's best for you and the kids.

[missychrissy]

We're already on assistance. Doubt we'd qualify for anything additional than we already receive.

Maybe not additional, but you won't lose what you have. And perhaps his mother will continue to help you.

I know this isn't easy, and no matter what you do we support you. I only offer the kind of advice I do so that you don't feel trapped. It's not that I expect you to do what I say or anything. I hope you believe that. My heart hurts for you right now.

[Inca]

Thanks. A lot of the stuff suggested is stuff I've already been doing. I've got a bit of savings to get a new vehicle. I actually have an old POS van I'm trying to sell or scrap but I want to get rid of it in a way I will get the most money for it. I'm hoping for $500 off it. I just am not good with vehicles so Bryan was supposed to be trying to sell it but he hasn't put it on CL yet. He knows more about what's "wrong" with it than I do, which is why I personally would rather scrap it. LOL

Uhhhh. I guess I could try to get a credit card, and pay it off each month.

I was also thinking about talking to my landlady this week when she comes to set some ant bait out and see if she had any other rentals that might fit my needs. Good thing with sticking with her is that she could apply the security deposit from here to the new place. Though, only 475 of it is mine, if it was any extra then I'd have to pay the rest. (Like we did when we moved from an apartment owned by her to this house owned by her)

And no I am not normally one to rehome animals either. I try to do everything in my power to make sure they are cared for, and don't have to house-hop. Chinchillas live a LONG time like 10-15 years or more, and they are all somewhere around 7 years old. Except one that is probably closer to 9. I've had them all since they were a few months old so I'm having a hard time admitting that rehoming them is a possibility. The main issues is that they need their own space, either a basement or a spare room. Because they are messy, and I can't have the kids around that. Pine shavings and poo pellets, you know. Not to mention how furry they are, and they bathe in dust. So yeah, that is that.

I also am going to go to the library this weekend to meet up with his mom, sister and her two kids so we might be able to chat *a bit* I did just tell her when I talked to her a bit ago that I am "nearing the end of my rope with him." I know that he would be a nightmare to live with if he found out I was taking any steps to leave. He already says I'm "using" him. Right, uh huh. Makes no sense there.

[Smplyme89]

I also am going to go to the library this weekend to meet up with his mom, sister and her two kids so we might be able to chat *a bit* I did just tell her when I talked to her a bit ago that I am "nearing the end of my rope with him." I know that he would be a nightmare to live with if he found out I was taking any steps to leave. He already says I'm "using" him. Right, uh huh. Makes no sense there.

Um.... First of all Huh?!?! For his sexi body that you don't touch? Or the money that he doesn't make? Or it must be all that cleaning that he doesn't do!

Whatever you decide is a completely personal decision and we will all support it 100% and will be here anytime you need to vent/talk

[Cosmosmom]

It's never easy to break up a relationship and try to figure out all the steps needed to make sure that you come out ok (going this right now with my MIL and her third husband....only since she's 61 her concern is health insurance until she can get medicare, a house with him that is underwater, and if she can find a job once she moves or can she retire...it's really overwhelming trying to think of everything and make decisions). But sounds like you are taking the right steps. And if he should change or you decided to stay, that is ok too. Either way doing things like saving money and working to establish credit are good things.

Are any of the bills in your name? That also helps establish credit. Like I first started with a phone bill and after we got married, made sure to put bills in his name and my name. I didn't get a credit card until I was 24 or 25 and already married.

[Inca]

Um.... First of all Huh?!?! For his sexi body that you don't touch? Or the money that he doesn't make? Or it must be all that cleaning that he doesn't do!

Whatever you decide is a completely personal decision and we will all support it 100% and will be here anytime you need to vent/talk

Right. He can be pretty self centered, huh?

And I know it sounds like he's this terrible person, but in reality he is not. At least not all the time. It's just slowly gotten worse. I mean, why else would I stay? If he was completely horrible I'd be gone by now. But I still love him, and he is the daddy of my babies. Truth be told though, I have to think for the kids. You know, what is best for them and all.

[Smplyme89]

Right. He can be pretty self centered, huh?

And I know it sounds like he's this terrible person, but in reality he is not. At least not all the time. It's just slowly gotten worse. I mean, why else would I stay? If he was completely horrible I'd be gone by now. But I still love him, and he is the daddy of my babies. Truth be told though, I have to think for the kids. You know, what is best for them and all.

Oy.... Liz, I don't know how much I can say without overstepping my bounds and I really don't want to hurt your feelings. I'm not as good at putting things as eloquently as some of the other ladies. So I'll just that I you and want you to be happy!

[Inca]

Yeah I know what you mean. It's like an addict, they have to wait until they are ready though, right.

[Smplyme89]

Yeah I know what you mean. It's like an addict, they have to wait until they are ready though, right.

Right

[Bridget]

Hugs to you, Liz. Feeling trapped sucks. I have been there. I think you've gotten great advice here and I hope you can look inside yourself for the right answer.

[missychrissy]

Right. He can be pretty self centered, huh?

And I know it sounds like he's this terrible person, but in reality he is not. At least not all the time. It's just slowly gotten worse. I mean, why else would I stay? If he was completely horrible I'd be gone by now. But I still love him, and he is the daddy of my babies. Truth be told though, I have to think for the kids. You know, what is best for them and all.

that's how it goes...they're great at first, then the little things creep in and it gets progressively worse, but it's so slow and intermixed with 'good times' you barely notice. By the time you realize you're not happy and haven't been in quite some time, the bad far outweighs the good. It's absolutely normal, so don't feel like you have to justify yourself staying with him. I think we all know how it can be.

Yeah I know what you mean. It's like an addict, they have to wait until they are ready though, right.

I'm going through something different, but still at the end of a relationship and from where I'm sitting...I don't know if anyone is ever ready. :ready: If you wait till you're ready, you might not ever leave. I'm sorry. I hope that doesn't sound harsh. The tone in my head isn't harsh, please believe.

[Bridget]

You are right though, Chrissy. Doing what's right is not always easy. I don't think anyone ever feels ready to put their whole lives into an upheaval, especially when kids are involved. I think in these cases things are really tough for a spell when you leave but then a year later when one looks back, they are so glad they did it.

[demigraf]

Um.... First of all Huh?!?! For his sexi body that you don't touch? Or the money that he doesn't make? Or it must be all that cleaning that he doesn't do!

Whatever you decide is a completely personal decision and we will all support it 100% and will be here anytime you need to vent/talk

LOL! That was very funny.

Oh, Liz, I just hope that the answer for what to do becomes clear to you. I can totally relate to your desire to make it clear that he has his lovable qualities too. I don't question it. I don't doubt any single one of us would have chosen a dud; the women in this room are far too awesome and any guy who sees your awesomeness has got to be more than ok. The critical quality you want him to have, though - for lack of a better word - is a sense of self-ownership, that is the desire to self-improve and the realization that lasting change has to come from inside himself.

For your part, it sounds like he kind of needs help to get to a place where he can recognize he needs to help himself. If there were a simple formula I could give you to make that happen, I would have used it myself by now. It's never easy to be in your position.

There are some herbs that can help with stress, depression, anxiety, and I can attest to the fact that they work at least for me. I'm never one to make a prescriptive type of suggestion without telling you to talk to someone like an herbalist or naturopathic doctor, but since cost is a concern to you, I can point you to a questionnaire that can help you determine what herbs might help him. They are a fairly low-cost alternative (and arguably lower risk) to medical intervention. And if you can help him get to a calmer, happier place mentally, perhaps he can address the more trouble aspects of his situation that seem to be causing stress for your whole family. Just let me know and I'll PM you more about it.

Suja, I just had a meeting with another woman named Suja. I'd never met one before you. Rest assured, you'll always be my first Suja, though. You never forget your first.

[Inca]

I am very interested Myles.

And I forgot to answer the question above. The bills are in my name. Internet and electricity. Water is attached to the house though, and not me. Internet is often late but electricity has not been for a long while.

Anywho, thanks everyone for the advice. Like I said before I just try to take it one day at a time. And the past week has been a doozy.

[Smplyme89]

Suja, I just had a meeting with another woman named Suja. I'd never met one before you. Rest assured, you'll always be my first Suja, though. You never forget your first.

Suja was my first too

[demigraf]

btw, I've weighed the ethical pros and cons of "doping" my DH with herbs without his knowledge. (Of course, that would be very, very bad!) But it's giggle-worthy to think that's the form mischief would take in my new-agey, crunchy self.

[demigraf]

Ok, Liz. I ducked out of the office for a bit but I'll send you a link I bookmarked once I'm back at my desk.

[Smplyme89]

btw, I've weighed the ethical pros and cons of "doping" my DH with herbs without his knowledge. (Of course, that would be very, very bad!) But it's giggle-worthy to think that's the form mischief would take in my new-agey, crunchy self.

Love it!!!

I have thought about taking supplements off and on over the years, but have been too lazy to do the research. This will probably sound crazy, but as Nolan nurses less I feel myself returning to my emotional, anxiety driven old self.... Weird

[Inca]

.

[Bridget]

[daylilies]

OMG! Why did I never consider drugging DH? I make all his food. He'd never know.

[Inca]

[Cosmosmom]

that's how it goes...they're great at first, then the little things creep in and it gets progressively worse, but it's so slow and intermixed with 'good times' you barely notice. By the time you realize you're not happy and haven't been in quite some time, the bad far outweighs the good. It's absolutely normal, so don't feel like you have to justify yourself staying with him. I think we all know how it can be.
.

that is exactly how it went with my MIL and DH's stepdad. The good times when he was happy and getting his way could be great.....other times definitely abusive especially emotionally. Kills her now that she didn't leave so much sooner....she didn't realize that he would go so easily and without a fight (she really thought he would be dangerous if she tried to get him to go away). Pretty much every single negative thing about my DH is a direct result of being raised by that awful man. I did know him but he never tried anything but being charming to my face....good thing as I was not afraid of him. I knew I was way smarter and wouldn't put up with him.....and well he had seen my daddy and Dad is a bigger guy and was quite a bit younger. My dad wouldn't let someone get away with hurting one of his girls.

[Cosmosmom]

Like I said before I just try to take it one day at a time. And the past week has been a doozy.

that is all we can do and it's definitely sounding like a rough week. I remember when you were planning the vacation trip and was so excited about it. And it has just piled on after that.

[demigraf]

This will probably sound crazy, but as Nolan nurses less I feel myself returning to my emotional, anxiety driven old self.... Weird

Not at all weird. If you produce less milk, then you release less oxytocin and prolactin, which contribute to that feeling of bonding and overall well-being.

That might be why I bf'd for 2.5 yrs.