Secular Confessions

[Bridget]

Christmas makes me miss my mom too. I am just not feeling it this year. Of course I am excited to give my kids their gifts, and dbf too. I got him a home beer brewing kit which will benefit both of us since I like beer too! But I decided last night I'm not even sending out christmas cards this year. Do I suck or what? I just keep stressing about it. I still have not taken a picture. We're so broke. Once I told myself I wasn't going to do it, I felt immediately relieved. But I do feel bad.

I think I have to stop caring for the 3 homeschool boys I've had. Mom just got a new job at a gym that offers childcare for her at a monthly rate and since she has to pay the monthly rate to get them in for her evening hours, she doesn't want to also pay me the few extra dollars that the state does not cover for her. I understand that. I actually offered to do it for the state's rate just because I really, really love these boys and so do my kids. It was almost a dollar per hour less than my rate but I was willing to eat it just for the continuity or harmony down here. Except today I got a letter from the state saying they were covering even less, bringing it to almost $2 lower than my rate. I just can't do it. I'd probably end up losing money after feeding them all day. Blah. I know these things work themselves out but I was loving our little group.

[Suja]

Don't have a lot of time, so I'm going to do a post and run. Hope y'all are doing well. Everything has been going okay so far. Mira is doing MUCH better with all the strangers than I expected, even charming people (just WHO is this kid?). Everything had been fine until Sunday, when FIL became sick and had to be rushed to the hospital. He is diabetic, and his sugar levels were in the 400s - that got treated, but yesterday he started developing a distended abdomen, ascites, was checked into the hospital today, and they think it has something to do with his kidneys. Hopefully, it's from all the intervention they did on Sunday to stabilize him, and nothing more.

It's midnight here and everyone is asleep. I better turn in too, 'cause the little monster is going to wake up and start screaming for her milk any time now.

[AmeriBrit]

Shelley and Bridget, I'm so sorry y'all are missing your mommas at this time of the year. Big, big hugs to both of ya's.

Suja, I hope that your FIL is OK! I'm glad you're having a good time over there!

I'm just watching BSG; I'm on the last season about half way through. I can't believe I'm nearly to the end already! What sci-fi will I watch next?

On a totally unrelated note, one of my cousins who I rarely see just put on my wall on FB that he's thankful to have me as a cousin and ended it with 'god bless you' and that made me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. I always feel a little bit like 'out of sight, out of mind' with most of my family, so it's nice to get a little love every now and then!

[daylilies]

I hope your FIL gets better soon!

Bridget, I would not be sending out cards either but I got a few from my friends on twitter, whom I've met through the nkotb cruise, concerts and other stuff they've done and some I've never met but have been chatting with. It warmed my heart to know that a handful of people though of me even though I barely know them. So I filled out a bunch today but I cannot find the stamps! We hardly mail anything anymore. I'll have to ask DH when he gets home.

I feel bad because I've been putting them off and one of them is going to Canada, and I'm afraid it won't get there before Christmas.

I'm sorry Christmas just isn't the same anymore

[daylilies]

Ash, have you ever watched Doctor Who? It's leaving netflix streaming soon but you can still get it through netflix mail. We're watching it now and it's pretty good.

I'm glad your cousin thought of you

Bridget I also meant to say I'm sorry you're losing the homeschooled kids
How is Savana doing at school these days?

[AmeriBrit]

I love sending and getting Christmas cards. I spent quite a bit on sending them out this year, but there's something nice about getting snail mail!

[AmeriBrit]

Doctor Who has never appealed to me; there's some British things that I don't think I'll ever take to and that's on the list along with Harry Potter...lol...I like stuff like BSG and Star Trek and Star Wars...I need something like that to move on to...hmmm...

[daylilies]

What about Babylon 5? It has a lot of human interest-type episodes but also has a pretty complex plot.

[AmeriBrit]

Oh, yeah, I'll check that out, actually. Thanks for that...I'll put it on my list!

[AbbeysMom]

Shelley, I lost my mom in 2004 as well. I miss her, but have so many mixed memories of the holidays it's really hard to figure out how I feel about it all now. On one level I missed her terribly for the first few years, then as new traditions started to form (especially with Abbey) I wished so much she could be a part of everything. On an entirely different level I think of difficult childhood holidays I had and have so much more resentment now that I have a child of my own, because it's really hard for me to fathom how she could have put her own children through what she did when she was an addict.

That's my over-share for the day. Also I got a job, teaching college classes online, so I have a ton of paperwork to fill out. It's not too much money but it's asynchronous teaching (not real time), so I can technically teach at 2 am in my PJs. I hope I like it.

[daylilies]

Shelley, I lost my mom in 2004 as well. I miss her, but have so many mixed memories of the holidays it's really hard to figure out how I feel about it all now. On one level I missed her terribly for the first few years, then as new traditions started to form (especially with Abbey) I wished so much she could be a part of everything. On an entirely different level I think of difficult childhood holidays I had and have so much more resentment now that I have a child of my own, because it's really hard for me to fathom how she could have put her own children through what she did when she was an addict.

That's my over-share for the day. Also I got a job, teaching college classes online, so I have a ton of paperwork to fill out. It's not too much money but it's asynchronous teaching (not real time), so I can technically teach at 2 am in my PJs. I hope I like it.

Ooo, that sounds cool, what classes are you teaching? I hope you like it.

Oh, yeah, I'll check that out, actually. Thanks for that...I'll put it on my list!

Hope you like it!

I just dropped off an application to work for the school cafeteria...I hear it pays decent and of course because it's during the school year, the hours should work around Josh's schedule. I don't expect them to call me during this school year but it can't help to get my name in there early in case they need someone next year.

We are going to check out treadmills at the Sears discount place! They carry stuff that is usually just mildly dented or has something really minor wrong with it. It's cheap and still under warranty so we figured it would be better than getting who knows what off Craigslist. It'll save a bit of money to be able to quit the gym.

[Ky'sMom]

Congrats on your job Molly!!

And hugs to all those missing their moms. My grandma died in 2004. She also loved the holidays and always went all out. I haven't gotten a gift for Christmas since she died. I don't like telling people that since everytime I mention something I don't get anymore since she died, people send me things and I don't want people to think I'm trying to get things out of them. (I told my aunt and MIL when we were talking about my birthday that I hadn't gotten a birthday card since she died and both of them looked all sad and sent me birthday cards LOL! I told both I didn't say that because I wanted one, grandma just had a way of picking out the best cards that go to everyone). Honestly I'm not into getting gifts. I just always loved it when she gave me something because it was always something I needed. I still have the pajamas she gave me in 2003 and the coat she gave me in 2002. During that time I didn't have either of those and both are great quality and still look good. Plus I loved to hug her on Christmas and watch her get tipsy on egg nog!! She would sing and talk all kind of juicy gossip from the 60s LOL! She was great and I still miss her everyday. I don't know what I'd do if I lost my mom. I would miss her terribly. I'll be thinking of you ladies during the holidays and sending hugs.

Erin

[Cosmosmom]

We're on season 2 of Babylon 5.

Also check out Stargate SG-1, than there is Stargate Atlantis and finally Stargate Universe. My favorite is SG-1 and I think there are like 10 seasons.

[AmeriBrit]

I watched Stargate with my dad for a few seasons. I suppose I could try watching it from start to finish. I think when I used to watch it, I'd think to myself, "so, what's McGuyver going to do this week." lol

[missychrissy]

... I got a job, teaching college classes online, so I have a ton of paperwork to fill out. It's not too much money but it's asynchronous teaching (not real time), so I can technically teach at 2 am in my PJs. I hope I like it.

Congratulations! It sounds awesome!

I'm sorry I can't address all the other posts right now. I have read them and have thoughts and feelings about them all, especially those of you that are missing your parents right now. I'll get back to all that later.

I guess I'm being selfish, but I've had one of the worst afternoons so far at work. Again, it was a stupid thing and in and of itself it isn't a big deal, except that it's glaringly obvious to me that my boss's summer/early fall niceness was just a ploy to get me to stay. He's reverted back to cutting remarks cloaked in the cover of a joke and of course it's all my fault when he doesn't know when he's crossed a line.

Today I actually cried. Not because what he said was so awful, but because I'm stuck. I feel sick. I feel like a fool. I'm 30 seconds away from turning in a 2-week notice and screw it whether I have a job lined up or not. I'm sure I can find something. Anything has to be better than the perfect little hell I've found myself in.

I'm so isolated. He's really my only contact all day. Sure, people call and I work on their computers, but it's mere minutes if at all that I'm with them. I've established no friends there...no real friends that I could talk to about something like this. With the whole depression thing going on, it's almost more than I can bare. (bear? I can never remember, but you get my drift).

[Gwenn]

So this family I was supposed to see this morning (the one that the woman with the 3 day old baby was coming to observe) ... our office staff called yesterday to confirm and apparently he said he couldn't promise to come because he didn't have transportation and had to find a ride. I should mention that he made the appointment months ago, and we have a city bus system that comes close. What I didn't know last night is that he told our staff that we were racist because we don't have a separate facility near his home. We have ONE office, pretty much exactly in the center of a very large district. Which apparently makes us racist!

Of course, he didn't show up. And the woman 3 days post-childbirth did, not having been informed that he refused to come. We told her she would have been welcome to observe our earlier session and she said it would have been no problem for her to come earlier, since she was up very early with the baby. Since they didn't tell her that, and there were no other second sessions, and this was the last eval scheduled before winter break, she completely missed any opportunity to observe.

[Aelith]

Christopher Hitchens has died...

[Bridget]

Congrats on the job, Molly! Good luck, Katie. A cafeteria job would be perfect.

Chrissy, I love you and I hope today is a better day. I hate that you have all these feelings of turmoil. Big huge hugs to you.

[missychrissy]

So this family I was supposed to see this morning (the one that the woman with the 3 day old baby was coming to observe) ... our office staff called yesterday to confirm and apparently he said he couldn't promise to come because he didn't have transportation and had to find a ride. I should mention that he made the appointment months ago, and we have a city bus system that comes close. What I didn't know last night is that he told our staff that we were racist because we don't have a separate facility near his home. We have ONE office, pretty much exactly in the center of a very large district. Which apparently makes us racist!

Of course, he didn't show up. And the woman 3 days post-childbirth did, not having been informed that he refused to come. We told her she would have been welcome to observe our earlier session and she said it would have been no problem for her to come earlier, since she was up very early with the baby. Since they didn't tell her that, and there were no other second sessions, and this was the last eval scheduled before winter break, she completely missed any opportunity to observe.

Oh how aggravating!

In some ways this reminds me of when I worked in the mental health clinic. The administration would make decisions without knowing what the entire process was, or how their decision was affecting anyone else. Of course, they didn't consult any of us that would have to implement those changes...'us' meaning from clerical staff all the way to the therapists themselves. Sometimes they asked the therapists to do things that were unethical. It was crazy.

They never did-the therapists I worked with were all professionals, but there were some interesting, and at times heated, discussions going on behind the scenes.

The one that comes to my mind right now is when the mental health administrator (whom I always called Hartless) made arrangements with a hospital to have a patient brought in our office for some treatment and said our NP would do it. Whatever it was, it wasn't covered under her malpractice insurance and she refused to do it. Meanwhile, the patient is in-route via state police cruiser and we have no one in our office that can legally do whatever the heck it was Hartless said we could do. It was a mess. Hartless was good at crap like that.

[Smplyme89]

It's going to take me some time to get used to this new set up. I like it, I think. Well, it looks cool anyways

[missychrissy]

It definitely looks different. I feel out of my comfort zone a bit!

[Smplyme89]

It definitely looks different. I feel out of my comfort zone a bit!

I know, I feel like I am cheating on APA

[missychrissy]

Yesterday, after I snapped, "wtf is your problem?" at the boss because he turned a joke into an opportunity to be condescending and rude (again), we spent the rest of the afternoon in utter silence. I got the picture that he was none to happy with me because he didn't come out when I went to smoke, but immediately went out as soon as I got back. Childish much? Yes, I think we are. Not one word was uttered for nearly 4 hours.

I got home and it was clear I didn't have a good day at all. I also didn't want to talk about it and wanted to simply be left alone, but Rich was pestering me. I finally said, "I had a bad day, that's all. John's being a jerk again and I need to get out of that office." Rich took that as permission to hug me-which is something I've repeatedly asked him not to do because it's smothering me. I don't know how else to describe it. I don't want to be hugged. Period. So stop forcing it on me. I stood there and let him hug me for what felt like forever, but I did tell him I didn't want to talk about work. Later, I was fuming about the whole hugging-against-my-will thing and I said it had to stop. I told him I felt like he's expecting me to give him something I can't give (love). So then he gets all passive aggressive and is silent and stomping around the house and loading the dishwasher much louder than he needs to. He was making me pay for hurting him. Or trying to. It's just driving a bigger wedge between us.

I managed to get the silent treatment from two men in the same day. It has to be some sort of record, because I thought the silent treatment was a game women played.

[AmeriBrit]

This is weird, this new set up...I guess I'll get used to it soon...any how. Chrissy, I think men can be just as good at the silent treatment. I'm sorry work is not good right now and that Rich can't give you some space. Maybe just take it one day at a time for a little bit before making any big changs. (Hugs).

I really should log off now and go clean up around the house while Cash is napping and Travis is happily playing on his own...the in-laws are coming over to put the kids to bed while we go out with some friends tonight (so I don't want them seeing this mess!)....I'll make sure to have a G&T for all of y'all...one each, OK?

[Ky'sMom]

Okay....thought I logged onto the wrong website this morning with all these changes!

But Chrissy, so sorry you had a rough day yesterday. I know how it feels to not want to be touched and just be able to be angry without anyone trying to fix things. You seem so stressed. I am worried about you and thinking of you hoping that you will be able to come out of this difficult period. Virtual hugs sent!

I also agree that men can be much better at the silent treatment than women. I have never been a silent treatment kind of girl. I forgive too easily because I don't want to sit around stewing in anger so I just get over things within a certain time limit. Usually a couple hours, sometimes a day and I will tell the person I'm mad at (usually DH) that I am upset and not to bother me for X amount of time. Sometimes he will bother me just to get on my nerves and so I take that as an opportunity to stay in a hotel for a night or over my aunt's house. He is REALLY good at the silent treatment though. He has gone over a week without talking to me at times. It used to bother me, especially when I was PG because like I said I am very forgiving and I have forgiven him for a lot of things that most women IMO would not have forgiven him for so I think he is being childish when he does it. Currently though I don't care and will even make fun of him, which will usually bring him out of silent spell. I will ask him something and he doesn't answer so I will mention to people who are around (because DH will give me the silent treatment in front of company not knowing I guess that it makes him look childish since our guest always tell me I must be a saint to put up with him LOL) that he is punishing me by not talking to me and I forgot so can you ask him to take out the trash. I do this with the kids too and I will say "aw, poor DH is upset so is pouting." He doesn't like that and usually will stop with the silent stuff.

You old job reminds me of my aunt's situation at her job. I said in an earlier post she is not working currently. She went out on a leave due to the administrator at her job asking her to do ridiculous things in documenting patients and give medicines out. She is an RN at a sort of daycare center for teens and adults with MR/DD. She says it is the easiest job she has ever had. She used to be an ER RN and also an RN in med/surg in taking care of patients after surgery in the hospital. So she dealt with life and death situations. The administrator at her new job writes her up for not using a form he created, which is not a standard form and is not required by law. He also has written her up numerous times for not giving a certain client her meds at a specific time every day even though the meds can be given within a 2 hour window and they have never not been given outside of that window. She was getting stressed and anxious so went on an FMLA leave as she was diagnosed with depression concerning this situation. She is afraid to go back to work because they may fire her and she honestly was looking forward to working at this facility until she retired. She is in her 50s and has arthritis, which is why she had to leave the hospital setting and said this job is the easiest she has ever had and would be enjoyable if it weren't for the administrator she has to work with.

Mandy the situation with the family you were waiting on seems really strange. I just don't understand some people. I also don't like it when the word "racist" is thrown around. People use it so much now that no one seems to truly understand what true racism is anymore. Anything they think causes them some sort of inconvenience is considered "racist." I mean really, can the building move closer to them. Also I know in most areas, not sure about yours, but Medicaid will give you vouchers for a cab to a medical appointment, especially appointments for children. My dad is a cab driver now and he makes most of his money from Medicaid voucher patients taking them back and forth to the doctor and other appointments.

Erin

[Bridget]

Chrissy, I know that smothering hug feeling. Luckily it's only been in passing with dbf but I remember feeling it after all 3 of pregnancies while caring for an infant. I just didn't feel like I had anything left to give him and when he hugged me it made my skin crawl. I know it's not the same as what you are going through but just wanted to say I understand.

So...my brother is clearly mad at me. Or something. He is really short with me, doesn't answer my exceedingly witty (lol) texts, and when i asked him (via text) if something was wrong or if he was made at me for something I got a simple, "No." So shady. It's really confusing to me and worrisome. Especially after our weekend where I felt he was borderline rude to my kids. I don't know if I should keep pushing him to tell me what's up or if I should just lay off and give him some space. I will say that I find it very aggravating when people close to me don't just come out and say what's on their mind so we can get on with it.

[missychrissy]

So...my brother is clearly mad at me. Or something. He is really short with me, doesn't answer my exceedingly witty (lol) texts, and when i asked him (via text) if something was wrong or if he was made at me for something I got a simple, "No." So shady. It's really confusing to me and worrisome. Especially after our weekend where I felt he was borderline rude to my kids. I don't know if I should keep pushing him to tell me what's up or if I should just lay off and give him some space. I will say that I find it very aggravating when people close to me don't just come out and say what's on their mind so we can get on with it.

That is aggravating. I know that feeling well too. ugh-men!!

If it were me, I think I'd give it a few days and if I still felt like asking about it, I'd do it over the phone at least, if not in person. It's not the sort of thing I'd try to handle via text.

[Ky'sMom]

That is aggravating. I know that feeling well too. ugh-men!!

If it were me, I think I'd give it a few days and if I still felt like asking about it, I'd do it over the phone at least, if not in person. It's not the sort of thing I'd try to handle via text.

I agree with this Bridget. That is aggravating. I hope he is just going through something in his personal life and it is just spilling over to you and that he doesn't have any issues with his family. I would give it a minute too and ask him in person later on if everything was okay and that I was worried about him because of his behavior on your trip and your subsequent conversations.

Erin

[daylilies]

Bridget, I would give it a couple days and then maybe give him a call.

I like the new look!

Chrissy, I'm sorry about the other day with all the silent treatments. And the smothering hug.

[Bridget]

Okay, I am going to take y'all's advice and just give him some space. It's strange because we are very close and usually get along like gangbusters so when things are off it just doesn't feel right.