Secular Confessions

[missychrissy]

Its so hard to be happy with your body post baby. You can get there, but it definately feels like it'll never happen.

Have a safe, fun trip Suja!

Katy, I'll send you a payment later this afternoon. I'm on my kindle fire now and I don't think I have the card I want to use affiliated with my paypal yet.

[Suja]

Karen, I'm going ome to visit family. Leaving tomorrow, not back for some time. Just dropped the dogs off, and kinda bummed about it.

Year before last, I attempted to kill my then brand new laptop by knocking down a vase full of water on it. It survived, with a few minor quirks. Then last year, the kid finished it off by barfing on the keyboard. It boots up fine, but does not take any keyboard input, not even from an external keyboard.

[daylilies]

I totally understand, Karen. I'm doing this WW thing but I think I blew all my points last night because I could just not. stop. eating.

[3andMe]

The bathtub was not full, but the laptop was dropped from a full height into our porcelain claw-foot bathtub when dh was startled hearing a thump from the twins' room when they were supposed to be asleep on their new bunkbed. It booted up into a blue screen of death after that, and then he shut it down and tried to do a safe boot and it wouldn't even turn on, essentially. No screen, no blue screen of death, no nothing. Luckily, he'd emailed his big presentation to a co-worker already, so he had that for the next day, but he didn't have backup for a lot of his programs (created by him) and data. The hard drive was physically damaged, but he managed to spend the next 3 days recovering most of the data, and in his spare time recovered the hard drive of his boss, which had been attacked by a virus. He had to buy recovery software, but it was billable. He was very unhappy for those three days, but gradually happier as he recovered the data and then bemoaning his lost time.

[missychrissy]

I'm glad he was able to recover his data. Once the hard drive is physically damaged, it's really touch and go whether you can get anything off it. Did he pull the drive out or work with it in the laptop?

[Bridget]

Hey all. Just checking in. We are having a hell of a weekend. Savana just fell asleep after a colossal temper explosion. I don't even know how it escalated to such a height but it is physically and emotionally draining. Dbf and I just look at each other sometimes and we are so lost as to what to do.

[missychrissy]

Oh no! ((hugs))

[demigraf]

Aw, Bridget. I think that's why they look so angelic when they sleep... to remind us of just how sweet they are when they're not dealing with all their big emotions about the world.

chrissy, I am glad to hear that you saw your doctor and he came up with a plan for you. Life's been putting such a squeeze on you lately, I'm happy to hear you're looking after yourself. Your emotions seem a perfectly expected response to all that's been going on around you.

hi, karen !

L, I'm sorry to hear about your laptop woes. On the other hand, I am hoping they are the worst of your woes.

Can you ladies remind me again how you talk to your little ones about hitting? Especially hitting their mommy? Thanks.

[daylilies]

Bridget, I saw the post about Savana going to school and I'm glad she's doing great. But I have to jump to the colored Golfishes defense; they're colored with natural dyes, not chemicals I have a giant box of them in the house as we speak!

[demigraf]

We took B to see the Muppet Movie today. He seemed very into it until he ran out of popcorn. I guess it was a little too grown-up for him still.

Before that, I decided to try to take B out for a last minute Christmas card shoot, rather than sifting thru my catalog of photos from this year. The Christmas cards are all done and ordered now. Here are some of the outtakes from this morning:



He's now in the kitchen painting his nose other colors.

[daylilies]

Really cute, Myles! Yes...I guess I should have mentioned that the plot might be over the heads of the littler kids.

[Bridget]

Bridget, I saw the post about Savana going to school and I'm glad she's doing great. But I have to jump to the colored Golfishes defense; they're colored with natural dyes, not chemicals I have a giant box of them in the house as we speak!

Ha! Really?? I had no idea!

[girlwonder]

I posted in Random but also wanted to tout it in here too: Arthur Christmas is a really fun movie!

[missychrissy]

Adorable Myles!!

[daylilies]

Ha! Really?? I had no idea!

Yup!

I posted in Random but also wanted to tout it in here too: Arthur Christmas is a really fun movie!

Oh cool! I'll probably take Josh to that one day.

[3andMe]

Can you ladies remind me again how you talk to your little ones about hitting? Especially hitting their mommy? Thanks.

Very simply, even with the older ones. "Gentle, please, gentle. We don't hit Mommy." With the little ones, we emphasize it even more by taking the hand and stroking it gently across Mommy, and saying "Gentle, gentle." It has always helped us to give an alternate activity, rather than just saying no.

[Gwenn]

Suja, I hope you have a wonderful trip.

Myles, I love the outtakes and L, another adorable siggy!

I went to a Christmas party at my co-worker's house (the one on chemo who I work most closely with). I was shocked to see my mother's cousin there at the party. Turns out he has known my co-worker for over 25 years and they are very close friends. And I never knew! Small world.

DH really liked my work friends. That makes me happy.

[missychrissy]

I'm glad your dh likes your work friends! How ironic that your co-worker is such good, longtime friends with someone in your family!! It is indeed a small world.

[3andMe]

I'm going to make a temporary exception to include real names, because this cracked me up tonight. It's already in my blog, because I didn't want to forget it. Justin has decided he's going to delight in calling DD "Pony" tomorrow.

I was reading Make Way for Ducklings tonight, and Mrs. Mallard named her 8 ducklings all rhyming names, like Jack and Quack. I asked Claire and Ronin if they wished they had been named rhyming names, or if they were happy with the names we had given them. I teased, “Would you have preferred Ronin and Clonin, or Claire and Rare?” Claire wrinkled her nose at my suggestions, and said she liked her name. Ronin thought for a minute, and said he did not like his name, because it had too many Ns in it. I asked if it would be better if we took an N out and called him Roni, and Claire protested, and said it sounded like there was a T in there. There was much discussion about what a T sounded like, and in the end Ronin thought Tony sounded nice, and Claire decided that if he was going to be named Tony then she could be quite happy with a rhyming name of Pony. So there you go. Our children, Tony and Pony.

[Gwenn]

That is too cute! When I was little I had a piano book all about Tony the Pony. I have a sudden urge to find a copy for Claire!

[missychrissy]

That's too cute L! Tony & Pony. I'd suggest we call them that here, as sort of decoy names, but others that aren't privy to it would easily become confused. And forget about all of us renaming our kids-I'd have no hope of keeping up!

I'm sure it's placebo effect, but today I feel mildly better. I can't wait for the drugs to actually start kicking in. Which reminds me, I should call and make an appointment with the head shrink.

[AbbeysMom]

I'm going to make a temporary exception to include real names, because this cracked me up tonight. It's already in my blog, because I didn't want to forget it. Justin has decided he's going to delight in calling DD "Pony" tomorrow.

I was reading Make Way for Ducklings tonight, and Mrs. Mallard named her 8 ducklings all rhyming names, like Jack and Quack. I asked Claire and Ronin if they wished they had been named rhyming names, or if they were happy with the names we had given them. I teased, “Would you have preferred Ronin and Clonin, or Claire and Rare?” Claire wrinkled her nose at my suggestions, and said she liked her name. Ronin thought for a minute, and said he did not like his name, because it had too many Ns in it. I asked if it would be better if we took an N out and called him Roni, and Claire protested, and said it sounded like there was a T in there. There was much discussion about what a T sounded like, and in the end Ronin thought Tony sounded nice, and Claire decided that if he was going to be named Tony then she could be quite happy with a rhyming name of Pony. So there you go. Our children, Tony and Pony.

And we love that book too.

We took B to see the Muppet Movie today. He seemed very into it until he ran out of popcorn. I guess it was a little too grown-up for him still.

Before that, I decided to try to take B out for a last minute Christmas card shoot, rather than sifting thru my catalog of photos from this year. The Christmas cards are all done and ordered now. Here are some of the outtakes from this morning:
He's now in the kitchen painting his nose other colors.

Myles, he's so cute! And... (sniff) grown-up looking. I can't believe we have almost-3 year olds.

Karen, I'm going ome to visit family. Leaving tomorrow, not back for some time. Just dropped the dogs off, and kinda bummed about it.

Year before last, I attempted to kill my then brand new laptop by knocking down a vase full of water on it. It survived, with a few minor quirks. Then last year, the kid finished it off by barfing on the keyboard. It boots up fine, but does not take any keyboard input, not even from an external keyboard.

Late on this, but hope you have an awesome trip! Does anyone know how long she'll be OOT?

That's too cute L! Tony & Pony. I'd suggest we call them that here, as sort of decoy names, but others that aren't privy to it would easily become confused. And forget about all of us renaming our kids-I'd have no hope of keeping up!

I'm sure it's placebo effect, but today I feel mildly better. I can't wait for the drugs to actually start kicking in. Which reminds me, I should call and make an appointment with the head shrink.

Glad your feeling a bit better... and I hope you can find a therapist that is a good fit!

[Ky'sMom]

Tony and Pony!!! That is hilarious!

My little brother wanted us to call him Sloppy Joe when he was 5. He is 23 now and I still call him that sometimes. Actually Ky and Elle are somewhat decoy names as I don't call either of my kids these names. I call them by their full names all the time, except when I use their pet names of Honey Bunny (Ky) or Ella Bella (Elle) or just Sweet Boy and Sweet Girl.

I hope you find a good therapist Chrissy. I hate finding therapists. I had to find one years ago and it took a while to find one I didn't think was an idiot, but I am like that with most health care professionals.

Erin

[demigraf]

Very simply, even with the older ones. "Gentle, please, gentle. We don't hit Mommy." With the little ones, we emphasize it even more by taking the hand and stroking it gently across Mommy, and saying "Gentle, gentle." It has always helped us to give an alternate activity, rather than just saying no.

Thanks for your response on this, L. I can totally see this working with Tony & Pony (LOVE the new nicknames, btw!)

I'm having trouble seeing this as effective with Bodhi, tbh, and I'm attributing the difference to temperament. (Of course, blaming temperament makes me feel less like it's something I've done to make him a reactionary kid, but I'm totally willing to admit it might be something I've done with him; he was just very intense, persistent, willful and explosive from the time he was an itty bitty). Typically, when he hits me, it's when I'm physically removing him from a situation. It usually starts when he's having a TON of fun. And either it's time to go and I don't have the time flexibility to give him a long transition. Or he's about to do something to hurt himself or break something or is in someone else's way and I have to correct him right away. And he's just got too much momentum from the merry making to let things grind to a halt. So I have to say "NO!" again, this time more forcefully. Sometimes it's a 1-2-3 count. Then he digs in and gets even more determined to have his way. Maybe he gets a little louder, turns his back/moves away from me. (He seems incredibly fast and strong.) Finally, he's ignored my "3" or needs to be saved from the brink of disaster, and I'm physically intervening in some way - taking something away from him, picking him up and moving him. That's when he starts to hit or punch. (Sometimes he does this thing where he thinks he's "spitting", but it's more like making a raspberry sound with his lips.)

That's usually how it goes down. At that point, it seems as though I've passed the point of "Gentle, please. Gentle." I mean, I can see how it's important for them to still hear that they need to be gentle, for sure. But I get the sense I need to do something more to manage the situation and help him calm down. I am a bit at a loss. I've wrestled him into a seated timeout, or just hugged him/restrained him really tightly, and yes, I have also spanked him in a highly tense and physical moment, but I don't feel I know what I'm doing here. Do your little ones have episodes like this and what do you in those situations?

I wonder if I have let him see me get too angry at him (yelling at top of voice, extremely angry facial expression), and he's using my anger as a model for his. Should I work to stay more calm and unreactive when he's pushing my buttons? I can manage that sometimes, but I am not perfect.

Help, please.

[missychrissy]

Oh Myles ((hugs)) I know how frustrating it is. Conner was exactly the same way and I can't tell you how we overcame it. Part of his struggle was waking after napping in the car on the ride home. He'd have a serious melt-down that lasted well over an hour, sometimes over 2 hours. Just pitching himself on the floor and all-out screaming. Any sort of intervention from us resulted is us being clocked in the face. For that particular scenario, we learned that as painful as it was to watch him be so miserable, the best bet for all involved was to just let him do his thing. It was heart wrenching. And sometimes, infuriating but I made sure we remained calm about it.

But that wasn't the only scenario when he'd hit either. He would also do it at times like you described. Again, I can't say what made it stop but eventually he did grow out of it. Although, I did learn that he bit my mom last week. I was surprised because it's been at least a year (if not longer) since he's been physically abusive to anyone.

Stay strong Mama. This is a phase and it will pass. Stay consistent too (of course). Maybe some other moms will have better advice.

[Bridget]

Oh Mylah! Don't be so hard on yourself. This is not unusual behavior at all for a child his age. And yes, both of mine went through these stages. In fact, I'm in total turmoil right now because of a major tantrum that Savana threw this weekend with such anger that I, like you, am searching for where in her life she learned a reaction like that. But that's a whole 'nother post.

I think being calm and unreactive is your best line of defense. It's SO hard in the moment but it's truly the best thing for him and for you because if you force yourself to stay calm then, well, you're calm. It's stressful to get angry. I know when I get angry with my kids I need recovery time and that's not always possible so then I have these lurking residual feelings just hanging out in my heart and my gut and I start to really dislike myself.

Savana was especially difficult about transitioning from doing something fun to something less fun. I started making habit of having something luring like a library book we hadn't read, or a yummy snack in the car, or even just making the next thing we had to do seem like fun. So it wasn't just, "We have to leave now" but "We get to go to the grocery store now! YAY! What should we get for our snack?" I also remember Lydia talking about making leaving a game by saying goodbye to everything in the park. Would that work?
And if he's still beating his little fists, just try to stay calm and firm with language like, "You are so so mad about leaving." If it's even possible to hold his hands and say, "I can't let you hurt me."

I hope that some of that is helpful. Sometimes everything seems futile and you just have to wait until they grow enough to have the tools to otherwise deal with their frustrations.

[missychrissy]

I agree with everything Bridget said, but particularly this

I think being calm and unreactive is your best line of defense.

and this

...you just have to wait until they grow enough to have the tools to otherwise deal with their frustrations.

[AbbeysMom]

Myles.

I agree with the calm/unreactive strategy, but every kiddo is different. Have you found anything that helps him calm down quickly? With Abbey it's a quick bit of empathy and an apology that works, especially if I'm making her leave when she's in the middle of something. But she's never been a big tantrum kid, so IDK if that would help.

[daylilies]

I know how hard it is Myles. I'm much less patient than most people I think and Josh is particularly persistent with disagreeing with me at pretty much every turn these days and I think my reactions absolutely have to do with his behavior. I try to have a calm demeanor but I know it's really hard.

[missychrissy]

For Conner it (apology/empathy) wouldn't work. His tantrums were so intense, I often wondered if he even heard me speaking to him. I still don't know. He was just too involved in his melt down to be aware of much outside of him I think.

I was also going to add to my previous response (but the phone rang at work), that I always talked calmly to him after the fact. After he was calmed down enough to listen. Sometimes it couldn't happen till the next day, but I'd always try to hold him on my lap and hug him and discuss what happened. Sometimes he was receptive and could communicate what got him going (and sometimes I'd be surprised at what he told me because it would be something I didn't even notice) and other times he'd not want anything to do with my lap, talking, hugs or kisses. But at least he knows he's loved (I hope!)

That's my one greatest fear really...that my kids would ever feel like I didn't love them.