Eh I think everyone complains about the weather. If it is raining, they want it to stop, if it hasn't rained in a while, people complain about how we need the rain. Too hot, too hold, too cloudy, it's just an easy topic of conversation.
Need some advice here. This morning, B woke me up by telling me "Santi's not my friend anymore. Milly's my friend." I asked him a few questions to figure out what happened, but he just kept on repeating what he said. I guessed that Bodhi was the one doing the rejecting and tried to remind him of all the fun they had together (playdates on weekends, trips to the zoo/beach). But i think it might be the other way around. This is after a good 6 months of them being best friends, and I've gotten pretty close to the little boy's mother. I told DH about it, and he said, "oh, yeah. He said that to me the other day too. Santi plays with Shaun now. But yesterday, when I dropped B off, he ran in and the first thing he said was "Where's Santi?"
So I don't know how to handle this, and am not even sure what's going on - the frustrating part about not getting to be with him all day. I think B is pretty upset about the matter because he wanted to talk about it to me and sounded genuinely sad. A part of me wants to broker peace and make them be adorable little buddies again. If he did something hurtful to Santi, I want him to make it right. And if Santi just moved on and lost interest, I want him to get his friend back. Another part of me thinks this is a fact of life and a lesson in finding & keeping friends. I find this situation very heartbreaking, especially for someone so young and new to talking altogether. Then again, I might be taking it harder than my kid.
I'd talk to Santi's mom, especially since you guys have become friends. And any caregivers that might be privy to the dynamics between the kids. You can't make them be best buds again, but at least if you understand what's going on, you can maybe explain it to B in terms he might understand.
His buddy's mommy wrote me this morning anyway to tell me some cookies I bought from her older boy are ready. So I replied to her and added:
Have you noticed any difference in the boys' relationship? Just this morning, Bodhi's said a few things that make me wonder if there's a little-boy rift going on between the two of them. We'll have to get the boys together some time to see for ourselves. That's the crappy thing about not getting to be there all day to observe their interactions. I just hope Bodhi is playing nicely.
She's totally cool and mellow, and we'll still probably hang out anyway if the boys aren't thick as thieves anymore, so let's just see. it was just reassuring to know that they had each other while we couldn't be with them. This is practically a page out of the book 'Buddhism for Mothers' where the author talks about projecting your own childhood suffering and insecurities onto your kid (I lost my share of friends growing up) and causing yourself unnecessary suffering. I know there's a bit of that going on in me, so am just going to try to be level-headed about it on the outside and deal privately with my own feelings. I do want to help Bodhi understand and grow from his dealings with other people. Thanks for the advice, Kate & Suja.
I'm one of those cold-all-the-time people. DH sleeps in his undies and I'm covered in fleece under the blankets. My doctor took some blood test to make sure I didn't have some circulatory stuff going on and didn't find anything. So I guess I'm just a weather wimp too. (Actually, I was born in tropical weather, so I can withstand hot and muggy way better than DH can. I just almost never get to feel that climate except maybe when I'm in Bikram yoga. DH would hate it.)
Myles, it's really tough to say if 'something' happened or if it's just a phase. I can't count how many times my girls have each had their 'bff' change. They have the same group of friends, but their #1 partner changes frequently. Sometimes every few weeks, other times after a year or two. I usually let them handle it.
But I understand B is a lot younger. I think what you wrote to the mom is appropriate and definitely keep hanging out with her. As the years go by, they'll be good friends by default of how much time they spent together. This just might be a little cool period.
I'm always cold, too. Last night I was shivering under all of the covers next to my hot microwaved rice sack, and I looked over in the middle of the night and dh was sprawled naked with no covers on at all. I keep the house between 70 and 72 degrees, but if it's cool outside I can feel the heat getting sucked out of me. I need extra layers if it's below 74 degrees.
Mylah, as far as the friendships go, I have seen DD's friendships come and go with some regularity during the year. At first I was a little distressed to see one best friend suddenly be "Oh, we don't play together anymore." I would ask what happened, and there would never be one event. DD is pretty good about articulating what is going on, but she would say that the other girl just said she didn't want to play any more, or that she didn't want to be friends, or whatever. Sometimes my DD might be the responsible party, I think. All of this seemed to be somewhat upsetting but somewhat matter-of-fact when described to me. Recently, I told her she could try to win back a friend. Maybe give her a nice drawing. Invite her to play a special game with her. Think of something she does really well and tell her that she's good at it. Ask her if she could show her how to do it. I asked her at the end of the day if she did those things, and she said yes. "So, are you friends again?" "Yes." But she didn't sound excited. She's got other friends now. I do think that this is all part of learning, and I try to only meddle as much as she wants me to meddle.
Bridget, I hope you are able to have some fun and relaxation. Well, the doing no housework sounds like some decent fun!
And on the Bohdi friend issue, I totally understand. I don't even want to think about how hard it will be to not protect my little girl in the crazy drama-filled world of little girls. I try to explain to DH how nasty and mean little girls can be, and how it's different because girls use manipulation and backstabbing in ways boys almost never do. I experienced it when I was in school and witnessed it when I taught school, it's pretty frightening how young it starts too (I would say in second grade the cliques are well established). At least take heart that Bohdi is a boy, so I'm guessing most of his friend relationships will be pretty straightforward (friends until one of them punches the other one, rather than frenemies who start rumors and steal boyfriends).
Thank you all for your support. Every bit of advice, sympathy & BTDT story helps. Have a great weekend if I don't get to chat more with you.
Oh, but L, I hope I do see you. We'll be milling around the Blockbuster parking lot with my little croc prior to the parade.
I have your # plugged into my phone, L. I think we'll be around by 10, depending on bridge traffic. Except B tried on this penguin costume I thought he was still too little for and it fit fine and he really liked it, so I don't know if I'll have a penguin or a crocodile in tow tomorrow. Too bad I don't have the time to make his costume into a jackalope type of animal tomorrow - the pengodile, or crocguin.
I hosted the babysitting coop "happy hour" for my club tonight. The little babies were so adorable. Kiddies were in costume. Bodhi shared very nicely, except when he had to poop and made off with ALL the Play-doh in a big ball and shut everyone else out of his room. He gets a little territorial around that time. Heh.
One of the dads looked exactly like that blonde James Bond actor. I really couldn't stop staring. I think he & DH made a surfing connection, and I all I wanted to do was take a picture so I could ask you girls if you thought he looked like the actor.
I'm not sure what kind of costumes we're going to have, either. We have about 20 good costumes in our dress-up clothes bin, and all of a sudden they're not happy with any of them. I brought baby S. home a giraffe costume I got from another twin mom the other day, and the twins all of a sudden want new costumes, too. DD tried to squeeze herself into the giraffe costume, and complained that it tight in the shoulder and crotch area. I told her it was because it was too small. They could be tigers or panthers or cowgirls or cowboys or doctors or firefighters or unicorns or dragons or princesses or fairies or any number or things, but NO! If it's not new to them, it's worth throwing a fit over. My mom had me go get some size 2 overalls out of storage and told my 4-year-old DS that he could wear those and be a train engineer. I'm getting all Hallannoyed and it hasn't even started yet.
I'm not too bothered with the weather or temperature. We keep the house at 70 degrees or lower throughout the year. My hands and feet are always like ice, though!
Lol, Myles, at the James Bond comment. Shame you didn't get a picture.
Bridget, that would have freaked me out a little about those people. I hope their intentions weren't as sinister as they could be.
We had a play date yesterday with 2 other half American families. Both of their boys are older than mine and one of them can be such a swine sometimes. He's an only child and just doesn't interact as well with others as everyone else does. He kept grabbing toys from Travis and taunting him with them and taking Cash's paci off him and doing the same thing. And the annoying thing about it was that his mom was too busy chatting to do anything about it. I hate disciplining other people's kids when they are right there with them. It's so awkward.
We're off to a Halloween party tomorrow and handing out candy on Monday. Travis didn't want a costume, so I just bought him an orange t-shirt with a jack-o-lantern face on it.
Ash, I hate it too but I try to make light of it when I can..."Oh sweetie, let Travis have his toy. Maybe if you ask nice he'll let you play with it" in a honey-tone. I don't like humiliating anyone's kids, but I don't let stuff like that slide either. Not even if their parents are right there. I think it's harder for only children to learn how to share nice. And some people don't seem to know how to cope with it if they only have one child. Sometimes that's all it takes is me saying something a couple times to get the mother or father to notice. But yeah, it's not fun.
Swine! Lol, Ash. I like that and will store it away for future use. I correct other children's behavior if their parents don't. For sure. Very nicely, of course.
We are home early. We ran out of money. Everything is so expensive! We really had a good time. The kids were crying when we left because they weren't ready to leave. My kids have such an incredibly hard time with transitions it's nuts! They are both happy now.
I need some advice from you ladies that probably "know" my kids better than anyone I could ask irl. Savana. She has a really, really hard time with change and is pretty controlling in most aspects of her life because she feels like she needs things just so.
She has her own, very small room, packed to the gills with her stuff. The master bedroom is huge and no one uses it right now because it is supposed to be Kai's but he sleeps with dbf and just has some of his toys in there. He doesn't play or sleep in there because dbf's massive weight machine is in there and the shadow scares him. SO. We want to move Savana's loft bed in there and put a bed we have for Kai (in storage) that was made to fit under her loft, bunk style. Get the weight machine out. Then set up the room for Savana and Kai to share. I have brought it up to Savana several times and she gets all hot and bothered and says she's not ready and she needs time to think about it. Part of her thinks it sounds cool but part of her is not ready to give up her space. I would like her tiny room for Sawyer as he has no space at all right now, barely a place to put him down for nap where he won't be disturbed.
Savana will never get to the point where she says ok lets' do it. Actually once she said that but then backtracked and said she needed more time. She struggles so much with change but usually ends up happy when it's all said and done.
So if you were me, would you just do it while they are here and try talking her through it while she most likely freaks the entire time. Or would you have me take the kids out of the house and have dbf set the room up super cool and come home SURPRISE! and hope she reacts with happiness??
Last edited by Bridget; 10-29-2011 at 10:34 AM.
I don't know if surprising her with it would be a good idea. Perhaps if you take her up to the room and have her help you plan where everything will go and make sure she knows that she can have her own area where no one else is allowed - maybe your dh can build a little private room under a loft bed or something and she can work on configuring it with him too. good luck
"Any idiot can face a crisis; it is this day-to-day living that wears you out." -Anton Chekhov
I agree with Katy - I don't think a surprise would be good.
Maybe you could try something like a social story, where you talk about what is going to happen, and explain all the positive benefits that will come from it, and go over it together every day for a certain amount of time (say, 1 week) before you move? And let her know the date it will happen in advance. That way she has a week to prepare and it is presented with all the advantages each time you discuss it. Would that work for her?
ETA: And maybe you could let her pick out something very cool for the room, like a new bedspread or a new decoration, and add that to your "story" when you discuss it each time.
Last edited by Gwenn; 10-29-2011 at 11:51 AM.
Okay, I just wrote this. I know Savana is a super smart girl and it is probably a little to simplistic for her, but feel free to adjust so it doesn't seem too condescending for her. This is the sort of thing I'd write for one of my kids at school who aren't as verbal as she is, but it's the basic idea behind it.
It's really helpful also to have her fill in that blank herself to think of how she can help. You can put some other blanks in that she can come up with ideas for, too.Space
It is important for everyone to have space they can call their own. I like to have a space I can go to when I need some time to myself.
Kai and Sawyer need space that they can go to when they need time to themselves.
On (pick day of week - Saturday?) Saturday, Kai and Sawyer and going to have a new space.
Kai and I are going to share the big room. I will have my own space up in my loft. Kai’s space will be under the loft.
The big room will have new furniture. The old furniture that was scary for Kai will be gone.
Sawyer will have his own space in the small room. When Sawyer needs time to himself, he can go there.
When I need time to myself, I have my loft.
It is important that everyone have their own space.
I can make my loft look just the way I want. It will be my special place to go.
We are going to move the furniture on Saturday. I can help by ____. Sawyer and Kai will be happy to get their new spaces. I can enjoy my new space, too.
Last edited by Gwenn; 10-29-2011 at 12:05 PM.
I agree with having Savana be as involved in the process as possible. What about having a back-up plan-maybe leave a bed in her tiny room that she can sleep in just in case the big room is too much for her the first day? also leave some of her very favorites in there...? Just a thought. She'd have 2 spaces, but it would only be for a little while. I'd say no more than 2-3 days. Then if she's still totally not happy with it, put her stuff back?
Gwenn, I love you. Perfect idea.
Chrissy, we think alike. I did tell her she could have a special place in Sawyer's room for as long as she needed. Thing is, when it's done it's done because the loft bed is big and heavy and will need to be taken apart and re-built again.
Her room is too small. She complains all the time that she needs more space. I keep telling her that the other room is huge and would be great. ~But I love my room. I want this exact same room with this exact same window and exact same everything. But bigger.
Oh my goodness, L, how cute are they!